Brickleberry s02e03 Episode Script

- I, Henrietta Varnadoe Hereby bequeath all of my wealthy and worldly possessions to Denzel Jackson.
Jackpot! Don't worry.
I promise not to spend your dead mama's fortune on anything frivolous.
Woo! Jet pack, mother[Bleep.]
! Brickleberry! Brickleberry! Woo! _.
I love you, Woody.
Love you too, Malloy.
I'll bet you'll be sweet forever.
Ai! Ah! Ah! Ah! Will you stop shooting at me? Oh, you are so old and cranky.
Rangers, time for morning inspection What the hell happened here? I organized your desk for you.
What? Where's my expense reports and the envelope full of petty cash? It's in the paper shredder.
You have to let go of the clutter.
Oh, God damn it, Ethel.
You shredded a picture of my dead Mother? - Clutter.
- I was supposed to shred that.
It's called "closure"! Sorry sorry I'm late, Woody.
Jesus, Williams, you are a slob! You look like a turd in a tie.
And what is that stain on your goddamn uniform? It's, uh it's lasagna.
Wait.
No, bird shit.
Woody, I had a little accident.
Cunaman, you wrecked your patrol car again? What is this, the fourth time this month? It's not my fault.
You know I have that blind spot.
That's your neck.
Woody, all this screaming and yelling is not good for morale.
Ooh, Little Miss O.
C.
D.
thinks she can do my job! I could definitely do it.
Yeah, well, this job's not as easy as you are, Princess.
Jeez, you're being a real dick today.
You wanna see a real dick? Will you stop blowing that [Bleep.]
rape whistle? You know what I mean! You Rangers are a disgrace to those National Park service-issued uniforms! Woody, you're stressed.
I mean, isn't Malloy supposed to be your therapy pet? Why don't you go snuggle with him or something? He only gets that on his birthday, and I don't know or give a shit when his birthday is.
You people are all driving me nuts! I don't know which one of you is worse! - Well, I'm better than Connie.
- No, you're not.
- Steve, you're way worse than me.
- Well, I'm better than all of you.
- Really? Oh, really? - Steve, you are an idiot.
Shut up, shut up.
Shut up! Enough! You're all no-good, worthless, shit-for-brains, lazy Hey, speaking of lazy, where the hell is Denzel? What is that goddamn thing? What? I can't hear you over this bad ass jet pack.
Get it outta here! Oh, okay.
Ow! My roof! My goddamn roof! Who's gonna pay for all this shit? I swear to God, you guys'll be the death And Woody had a stroke.
- Uh, what happened? - Woody, you had a mini-stroke.
A mini-stroke is like a regular stroke, but fun-sized.
- Fun-sized? - Whoa, let's not make light here, Woody.
This is serious.
Your blood pressure is the highest I've ever seen.
Let me just draw some blood.
Mm.
Oh, dear.
You know this brings back memories of that Bukkake film I did to pay for medical school.
Woody, you must cut out every bit of stress in your life or you're going to die, probably today.
Die? What can I do, Doc? Well, do you own a therapy pet? Yeah, but he won't let me pet him.
Well, then, Woody, I'm afraid your only option is suicide.
- Suicide? - No.
"Soothe-inside".
It's a meditation class they offer at the clinic.
Do you think I'm some kind of new age fairy that's gonna sit around in Indian garb and chant, "om, om"? I would rather Oh, darn, another mini-stroke.
Woody, I'm sure you won't mind if I get a few up-skirt shots for my private collection.
Say, "cheese".
- Om.
- My God, this is gay.
Hello, travelers.
I'm Astral, your new instructor.
Hey, buddy, I'd like to position myself in her lotus, you know what I mean? Okay, everyone, close your eyes, inhale a long, deep breath, and imagine a calm, serene scene.
- Oh! - Up yours, cracker! No! Woody, calm down.
Here, pet me.
I'm kidding.
Attack! I am gonna choke the life outta all of you's! Can't bitch if you can't breathe! Oopsie.
Woody, I have never seen such a display of raw passion.
I suggest a private session.
I can help you channel that rage and find inner peace.
Okay, if it'll help me relax.
Oh, my God! What happened here? It was a black guy.
I think he had a jet pack.
Woody, I was driving and eating lasagna, and Connie crashed into me and made me spill it all over myself.
But Steve rammed me.
A man rammed Connie? What is this, bullshit day? - I didn't ram her! - Yes, you did, you liar.
Enough! Break it up, you two.
It is a beautiful morning, isn't it, Rangers? You're not gonna yell at us? No, my child.
My anger has flown.
It's true, I've been trying to piss him off all morning.
Cut it out, Denzel.
That thing's dangerous.
Nah, getting between you and a bag of cheetos is dangerous.
This is fun.
Attention, my friends.
I'd like everyone to meet the woman who saved my life, my harbinger of love, peace, and inner healing.
Say hello to the new love of my life.
New love of your life? Hope you let that rubber fist down easy.
Hello, sweet spirits.
My name is Astral.
- Of course it is.
- I have an announcement.
I am taking a voluntary leave of absence, and I am passing on my executive duties to Ethel.
Ethel? Woody, I am more than capable of Great choice, Woody.
The Park will be so much more efficient, and I won't mini-stroke out because I can actually deal with the pressures of the job.
What? I can deal with it! I can deal with anything, you Mind your Chakras, Woody.
Don't stray from your cosmic pathway.
Ah, this is the most relaxing poop I have ever taken.
Any chance you could do that somewhere else? Astral says this spot has the best energy.
Malloy, I'm hoping that we can be friends.
[Bleep.]
Off, weirdo.
- Malloy! - Sorry.
Please [Bleep.]
off, weirdo.
I really like you, Malloy, and as a gesture of our new friendship, I painted this for you.
That looks like someone took a shit on a canvas.
Bingo, Malloy.
You got a good eye.
But this scat art isn't the only new addition to our home.
- Astral's moving in with us.
- What? Don't worry, you won't even notice she's here.
Ah, ah! Oh, boy! Woo! Isn't she great? Guess what.
She's a squirter.
It's like going down on a fire hydrant in Harlem.
She could break up a riot with that thing.
See you later, squirt.
What are you doing here? Is the chubby chase over? Woody is asleep.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm part of his life now.
We are soul mates and you should accept that.
Oh, you think you're his first girlfriend.
That's cute.
See, he's had many, but it always ends the same way.
Malloy, isn't this a nice meal that Jolene made? Mwah.
See you later, honey.
Where did she touch you? Point it out on the doll! Right there.
A lot.
And you'll be history soon too, asshole.
That is how you pronounce your name right? "Asshole".
Well, I'm not like the others.
You won't get rid of me so easily.
And why is that? Destiny brought Woody and I together! Nobody's gonna get in the way of our love, and if you try, I will [Bleep.]
kill you! Ah! Well, I'm glad we had this talk.
I'll show that psycho bitch.
What did you say? I said I love you, Mom.
Ooh, beautiful, stress-free day.
I'm starving.
Must have been from burning all those calories last night.
Oh, good morning, Malloy.
- Hey, what happened to your eye? - Your girlfriend hit The nail on the head when she told me I shouldn't punch myself in the eye.
Well, my little honey pot gives good advice.
Oh, eggs are done.
- Woody, your girlfriend's a - Squirter? Don't I know it.
It's like licking Moby Dick's blowhole.
Yes, you're girlfriend's a squirter.
That's what I was trying to say.
No, she's insane.
She threatened to kill me.
- Insane? - Shut up.
Oh, I know what you're doing.
- You want your Daddy all to yourself.
- That's not what I'm doing.
She told me she's gonna come into my room in the middle of the night And tuck me in, like a real Mom.
Wow, Mister.
That is so cool! Oh, you think that's cool? Check this out.
Whoa ho whoa ah! Oh! Whoa ah! Ah! Woo! I told you it was cool.
Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing.
Just doing my job.
Head Ranger Ethel, over and out.
Ah, good job, Ethel.
Oh, thank you, Ethel.
Connie, I need your help.
Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.
She seemed nice to me.
Maybe you're just jealous.
Yeah, and maybe you're just Ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you.
- Just step on a scale.
- Hey! Where's all the danish? It's bear claw Wednesday! Now it's fresh fruit Wednesday.
Ugh! This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! Hey, I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay.
My motto is "efficiency through positivity".
By working together, we can achieve greatness.
Sorry, probably really important.
Brickleberry National Park.
Head Ranger Ethel speaking.
The Park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that.
[Beep.]
Sorry, can you hold? Hello, head Ranger Eth What do you mean the lake's on fire? Oh, my God, hold on.
Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.
Denzel, I need you here.
Hey, are you on your jet pack? No.
Hey, look, it's a flying black guy! Maybe.
Calm down.
A badger ate your baby's face? Hold on.
My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel! What's your emergency? Ethel, it's Steve.
Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish? What? I don't want to say, "I told you so".
Great, then don't say it, because this jet pack is still awesome.
Oh, shit! Still awesome.
Denzel! What the hell did you do? Damn, Ethel.
What happened to being positive? I'm positive you're a yeah, right, right, positivity.
Maybe you can't handle this, Ethel.
Maybe I can't handle this? Running this Park is a piece of cake! Oh, no! I brought up cake in front of the baby elephant! Run! Wait, Connie, I didn't mean it.
Oh, God.
Not Steve.
Oh! Oh, God, you had me worried.
I thought you were gonna do something stupid.
Sorry to disappoint you, "boss".
I don't think a stupid person saves tourists or rescues rabid wolves.
The wolves! Ah! Oh, my God! Malloy, why are you following me around? Because I don't want to be alone with your insane girlfriend.
You have got to stop acting weird, Malloy.
We're having a dinner party.
This is the first time Daddy's gonna meet all of Mommy's friends.
O qua tangin wa.
O qua tangin wa.
And she's in a cult.
Oh, come on, Malloy, it's not a cult.
It's just Astral's church friends.
They're just a little quirky.
Praise Lord Targissian, God of the Universe.
May he fill our vessels with his alien seed.
Hey, it makes more sense than Catholicism.
Tourism numbers, Park budget, safety inspection Jet pack, Connie's neck, Steve's fat face.
Steve, Steve Steve, you stupid son of a bitch! Do you swear loyalty to Lord Targissian? Hey, better him than Obama.
What the hell is going on? Oh, Malloy, good.
You got the e-vite.
Guess what? They're making me a full member of the church.
Now, Woody, there's one last step.
Your sacrificial offering.
Hey, Malloy, could you grab my checkbook? Now you're giving them money? Oh, don't act like all churches don't have a one time membership fee of your entire life savings.
Hey, what the hell are you doing? Stealing me some jet fuel.
They don't sell this shit at the Exxon station.
- You're under arrest.
- Uh, okay.
I'll come with you quietly.
- Psych! - Hey! We got a fuel thief! Go, go, go! Move, move, move, move! Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Whew, I lost 'em.
Good thing I Listen to me.
I'm not afraid of you anymore.
I'm a bear.
God damn it! Ow who does that? Why don't you get out of my house? - Okay.
- Huh.
- That was easy.
Wait, what's the catch? - No catch.
Tonight, Woody and I are jumping off Brickleberry Cliff.
And traveling to a new world.
Could you hold on one second, you crazy bitch? It turns out your little fun club's a suicide cult.
Do you know that you're gonna jump off a cliff tonight? Nonsense, tonight is just the secret church field trip.
Do not go anywhere with that maniac.
She has you brainwashed.
Oh, no, not this time, Malloy.
You have run off every girlfriend I've ever had.
Why can't you let me be happy? Is this about the petting? Fine, you can pet me.
But you have to break up with her.
I don't want your pity pet! Look, Woody, you have gotta believe me.
You're a liar! Astral's right.
You don't give a shit about me! You know what, Woody? I'm done with you! It's over! I hope you do kill yourself, you ignorant, gullible ass Aw, that's the cutest stroke I've ever seen.
Woody Ethel, you don't look so good.
I been stress eating.
And look who's talking.
You look like a bucket of hog shit! Sorry.
You haven't called the maintenance guy to repair the washing machines.
I'll get to it.
Connie, tuck in that camel toe before a plane tries to land on it.
Sorry.
Ugh! Denzel, what the hell is the matter with you? Are you drunk again? You drinkin' the 40s and stealin' our white women? Kiss my ass, Ethel.
I'm getting my Earth legs back.
Where's your jet pack? I sold that shit on eBay, I tried to tell you it was nothing but trouble.
No, I tried to tell you and you didn't listen Shut up! Shut up! God damn it! Oh my God! Woody was right, I can't do this job.
I had no idea how much he had to deal with.
We gotta get him back.
- Malloy.
- Yes, Connie? Where the hell is Woody? We need him to take his job back.
He's gonna jump to his death off Brickleberry Cliff with his psycho squirter girlfriend.
Tried to tell ya.
- We gotta get over there fast! - Okay, I'll drive.
No! So Malloy was right? We're killing ourselves? I'm not sure about this.
Nonsense.
It is merely a leap of faith.
A Biiavian Mother Ship will arrive and take us to our cosmic paradise.
We will be together forever, living in bliss with anything you could ever desire.
- Jumbo shrimp? - All you can eat.
[Bleep.]
It, let's jump.
Oh, man, it's almost time.
We're running late.
We can't let anything stop us.
Right after I get me some driving lasagna.
O qua tangin wa.
It is almost time, my soul mate.
- Mmhmm, what'd I tell you? - Mmm, mmm.
Mmm, you're right, Steve.
"Driving lasagna" does taste better.
Okay.
- We've still got time if we hurry.
- Wait, is that a hitchhiker? Well, that was the last of the disciples.
- I guess we're next? - Yes.
Eyes on the prize, Woody.
Jumbo shrimp, jumbo shrimp, jumbo shrimp.
Left here.
No no, that's right.
You're turning right! My left or your left? Man, we gotta hurry up and save Woody.
Oh, snap! Is that a two-for-one putt-putt? Yes! Wait! We came as quick as we could.
Don't do it, Woody! The Park needs you.
Wait, where's Malloy? He, uh he didn't come.
Wow.
I guess he really doesn't care about me.
But I do.
I've loved you since the first moment I saw you.
- No! - Woody! - No! - Woody! Oh, so he's "Malloy, the talking bear 12" on eBay.
Well, you saved me.
You saved my life, Malloy.
I knew you cared about me! Shut up before I drop you.
What was I thinking? I don't know how to thank you, little buddy.
And all you Rangers, thank you for always being there for me.
I The ship! It's real! I could've been on that ship! They're partying on there! Wait, is that Astral? Is is she blowing that guy? And he's eating jumbo shrimp? Jumbo shrimp! They got jumbo shrimp! Damn it! Wait! Come back! I will never forgive you, Malloy! As long as I