Brooklyn Nine-Nine s02e03 Episode Script

Ugh, motorcade duty.
So boring.
I honestly would rather sit around and listen to you talk about the right way to make paella.
There's more than one right way to make paella, Jake.
There are ten right ways.
You got classic Valencian, modern No, wait, stop.
I changed my mind.
I've made a horrible mistake.
Hey, Rosa, just who I was looking for.
Quick question, can I have your friend Katie's phone number? I want to ask her out.
No, I don't mix personal and professional.
You're never getting her number.
Never like, "we're never gonna have a black President" never? 'Cause that happened.
A real never.
Like if you ever ask me about this again, you're never gonna be able to eat without a straw.
Yeah, okay, well you are on the wrong side of history, my friend.
Katie, huh? Wow, I can't believe you're not still pining for Amy.
I mean, I pine for years.
I still think about Mia, the nurse that helped my nana pass.
Yes, I know.
You've told me, like, a hundred times about the time your nana collapsed and accidentally pulled Mia's pants down.
Best day of my life.
I don't have feelings for Amy anymore.
So time for me to get out there and spread my w Legs.
Get out there and spread my legs? Well, e-either way.
No, not either way.
Only wings.
Listen up.
There's been an issue with the motorcade.
The serbian President is delayed in Washington, and we can't start locking down intersections until he takes off.
Apparently he's on an important call with the Albanian President.
Is that bujar nishani or is it still bamir topi? Oh, ames, let me check.
Hmm, it just says no one likes you.
There's a three-hour delay, minimum.
Captain Holt and I will have to leave for a meeting at one police plaza.
You should all stay prepped and ready.
Dismissed.
Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.
Three-hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means? Makeovers.
No, Charles.
The Jimmy jab games! Yeah! The first Jimmy jabs were held in 2008, when the King of Iraq President, Iran.
Armen Jimmy jab.
Ahmadinejad.
Came to New York, and were on call for nine glorious hours in case there were protests.
On that day, a young genius named Jake Peralta used the last piece of his bagel to create the first Jimmy jab event.
The monster mouth bagel toss.
Oh.
And the rest was history.
As soon as Holt and Terry leave, we will commence with Jimmy jab seven, circus of fools.
Jimmy jabs Jimmy jabs.
Jimmy jabs.
Jimmy jabs.
Jimmy jabs! Jimmy jabs! Jimmy jabs! Seems like we're ready for our meeting with deputy chief Wuntch.
Is that how you plan on sitting? Leaning back like a matinee-goer? Madeline will eat you alive.
That's no better.
Hands folded on your lap like a pervert.
Sir, what are you so nervous about? There's a new drug in the precinct, and we need updated narcotics field kits.
All we're asking for is $1,200.
How could she say no to that? Sergeant, as long as I'm asking for it, Madeline Wuntch can say no to anything.
Ugh, may I? Those are my tissues, Raymond.
If you were planning on sneezing, you should have brought your own.
Sir, she's a deputy chief.
I'm sure she wants what's best for the community.
She doesn't care about the community.
She only cares about defeating me.
This is war, sergeant.
The war on Wuntch.
Oh, good.
You've named it.
So Jimmy jabs, huh? What do you say we make it interesting this year? Aha! We could play for Katie's number.
No.
Is this why you wanted to do Jimmy jabs? No.
Yes.
Why? What gave it away? You said, "aha" and snapped your fingers.
Ah.
Oh, you wanna go out with Rosa's friend Katie? That's great.
She's cool.
I know, but Rosa has this dumb rule about not mixing work with personal stuff.
That's actually not a bad policy.
I once gave my aunt a jaywalking ticket, and things really deteriorated between us.
Hmm.
But Jake and Katie would be awesome together.
I know, right? She's single.
I'm single.
She's pretty.
I'm pretty.
So it's settled.
If I win the Jimmy jabs, you give me her number.
And if I lose, you don't have to give it to me.
I already don't have to give it to you.
All right, I'll give you $200, and I'll never ask you for another phone number again.
Done.
Hello, Gina.
It's daylight, Boyle.
Why are we talking? This is an emergency.
I've been filming my fitness routine with the precinct camera to help improve my form.
That's where I got these tree trunks.
But I realized that I left the tape in the camera, and now it's gone.
Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? You probably will.
Oh, Boyle, I love that you're trying to step up your sex game.
But strength is not your issue.
Stop humming.
And it does not turn me on when you bend over and back up into me.
Did someone check out the camera this morning? Yes, Hitchcock.
And if he sees it, he will tell everyone.
You need to get that damn tape.
Okay.
We're off.
You'll get word when the serbian President is wheels-up.
You got it, sarge.
We'll just be here till you get back.
Calmly and respectfully prepping.
All right, they're gone! Ceremonial bagel.
Flask.
Flame.
Jimmy jaaaaaabs Jimmy jaaaah-aaaah Aaaaah-aaaaah-aaaaah Ooooh Let the games begin.
Welcome to the Jimmy jabs.
We play for pride.
We play for the phone numbers of Rosa's friends.
But most importantly, we play to watch Amy lose.
Nope.
This is my year.
It's my year too.
Please don't align yourself with me.
Why not? Neither of you have ever come close to winning.
You're exactly the same, just a couple of santiagos.
But the real prize is the Winchester 3000, the only chair in the precinct with minimal staining, good lumbar support, and no broken rolly-wheels.
Over to you, Gina.
Thank you, Jake.
Okay, guys, as usual, the loser of each event is eliminated from the games.
The winner gets a bonus in the final round.
Our first event is "The mouthathon.
" In front of you is month-old Chinese food from the fridge.
Go ahead and eat as much as you can stomach.
On your mark, get set, wahlberg! Ugh! I can't do this to my mouth.
She's the love of my life.
Charles is eliminated.
Ugh, I think this ball of soup is off.
I'm out! I can do this.
I wanna win so bad.
Oh, great.
Here, quick.
Let me take a picture.
Oh, that's so cute.
You've got a little bit of mold on the tip of your nose.
I tried.
I tried, but he's unbeatable.
You guys know this is free, right? Hello, deputy chief Wuntch.
You've aged.
Stay seated.
We can do this out here, since you've already made yourselves comfortable.
Sergeant Jeffords, why don't you just lie down? I can't sit any straighter than this.
We're here about a new and very potent form of ecstasy, which has surfaced in our precinct.
Street name, giggle pig.
Hmm, an embarrassing blight growing right under your nose.
Not unlike that moustache you had when we first met.
That moustache was era-appropriate.
The precinct just needs updated field kits to help us combat the problem.
This paperwork is a mess.
A semicolon that should clearly be a full colon? Was this prepared by a recent immigrant? It's just one typo.
It's gibberish.
Request denied.
Wow.
You were right.
All it took was one mistake.
You think that semicolon was a mistake? No, it was a juicy piece of bait, and she unhinged her jaw and swallowed it whole.
So you wanted her to say no to us? Rejecting a valid request for such a petty reason, that's all the ammunition I need to go over her head.
I secretly scheduled us a one-on-one with Madeline's boss, chief fisker.
You wanna hear the funniest thing ever? I also split and infinitive, and she didn't notice.
Hey, buddy.
Did you check out the department video camera by any chance? Yeah, I was gonna take it home and videotape the top of my head.
I think I might be thinning up there.
Cool, cool.
So I accidentally left a tape in there, and I want it back.
Why? What's on it? Nothing.
I just really need it for no reason.
Well, if you want that tape back, I gotta get something in return.
Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock.
I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills.
I rear-ended the hearse.
It was a mess.
There's one thing I want, and it's not that big.
I just want you to make me cool in everyone's eyes.
Not that big? The Jimmy jabs has claimed its first victims.
Boyle, you made no impact.
Also, Detective Scully has withdrawn due to food poisoning, which I think we all saw coming.
All right, the second event is "bulky bulky run run," the bomb suit foot race.
Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during the face, 'cause I'm gonna be opening up a lot of doors for Katie on our date.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman.
What are you doing, Jake? Trash talking you, while simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend.
It's a tough line to walk.
Gotta loosen up my flower-buying fingers.
I'm gonna go nuts on the daisies.
On your mark Get set Ruffalo! Go! I'm doing it, Charles! I look cool! Whaaow! The next event will be "keep your cover.
" Contestants must craft an undercover persona and talk to as many police officers as you can before being recognized.
Pregnant.
Nice.
Means ya had sex.
Damn right, I did.
And I forgot my birth control.
Yeah! Yah! I think the belly will draw attention away from my face.
Smart.
Like one big boob.
Mm-hmm.
Jake will go first, then Amy, then Rosa.
On your mark, get set, Paul gosselaar! Please let me have the tape.
No dice.
I don't know how to make you cool.
I'm not even that cool myself.
I mean, sure, I have a pizza stone.
You have cool friends.
Like Jake.
I just wanna be part of a conversation where Jake uses my name and nobody insults me.
Damn it! You ask too much.
Ahh.
I blew it.
I only got through two people.
He's kicking so much.
You wanna feel? No! That's a bad idea! Oh, my baby! It's on the side! Oof.
I got to six.
Dumb baby! People are right They ruin everything! Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa! I wanna try.
Let me be pregnant.
Whoop! Adorable.
Right? I can't believe I lost again! I was so psyched up for this.
What happened? Well maybe being so psyched up is what happened.
Like every time we're doing police work, you're always super-smart and you stay calm and take your time, but every time we do dumb games like this, you get all frantic and act like a crazy idiot.
My advice next time don't act like a crazy idiot.
Thanks.
That's surprisingly insightful.
Yeah, well, motherhood Really opens a man's eyes.
I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself.
All right.
Too much? Yeah.
Peralta.
What the hell? Where were you? I got eliminated.
'Scuse me, officer.
Yes, sweetheart.
Sweetheart? Seriously, Hank? Is that how you talk to women who come in here? Jimmy jabs.
I didn't even make it past one person.
You're out? I'm in the finals? And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? Oh, that's nothing.
Hey! Don't you dare touch Amy Junior.
That's right.
It's your baby! Are you sayin' I knocked you up? You sure did! Jake.
Hmm? Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure thing.
Hold that.
- Sure.
- All right, Jake You wanna call off the bet? Seriously? You're gonna back out now just 'cause you're losing? What is this, a riverboat casino on the river of no rules? No.
I'm giving you a chance to call off the bet because it's clear you don't actually want Katie's number because you're still into Amy.
What? That's crazy.
I just spent the whole day fighting for another girl's number.
Tsk.
You spent the whole day flirting with Amy.
Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.
Then prove it.
Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.
Fine.
Easy.
But you better tell Katie to clear her schedule out thursday for a date, 'cause I am working nights until then, and the following weekend, I am out of town.
Let's do this! Hey, Jake.
Question for ya.
When I beat you, which victory dance should I do? This one? Or this one? Oh, wow, okay.
Both are examples of victory dances.
No comeback? After I burned you with those moves? You must be pretty nervous.
Yep.
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Charles.
Who's this with me? Hitchcock? Well, we should go now.
Wow! What a high! Do you guys feel this way all the time? I did what you wanted.
Give me the tape.
Oh, no, we're not done yet.
Next, I want you to tell everyone you think I'm handsome.
Make it seem natural.
You are a monster! So they're calling the drug "giggle pig"? Chief fisker.
Sergeant Jeffords.
Raymond.
Deputy chief Wuntch.
I didn't realize you'd be attending.
I can tell.
You have more of a fly-catching gape than usual.
I've examined his proposal.
There's no proof that giggle pig is a serious problem.
So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the league of nations in '36 Just hoping the abyssinian crisis resolves itself.
That's the lesson you draw from the fall of addis ababa? Raymond, you sound so naive.
And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.
I have no idea who's winning.
I am.
Captain Holt, how serious a threat do you really think giggle pig poses? Very serious.
Or it could be nothing.
Or it could be the new crack.
The new crack? And you only need $1,200 to fight it? Well, in an ideal situation, we would attack the problem with a lot more fire power, perhaps even a task force.
That makes sense.
Let's make it happen.
That was amazing! We got a task force! More importantly, Wuntch got served.
Oh, my God.
Wuntch sounds like lunch.
Now, this opens up so many new avenues You got your task force.
I'm surprised.
That's funny, after 20 years, I'd think you'd be used to me slam-dunking in your face.
I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there.
I got you riled up, you oversold giggle pig, and now you're running an expensive task force in a time of budget cuts.
You better make some big arrests and quick, or you'll be the poster boy for departmental waste.
Slam dunk returned.
Not if we make those arrests.
You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.
Join hands, one and all, for we have reached the final event of the Jimmy jabs the obstacle course.
Good luck.
You're gonna need it.
Yes.
We all need luck.
Thank you for offering me some.
On your mark, get Seth - Rogen! - Go, Amy! Contestants must make it past the barricade hurdles then use a bean bag gun to get a snack.
Ah! You will eat the snack in its entirety.
Ah! Mmm! Come on Close, close, close, close! Ah! Ugh! Next, head down to the first floor where you will locate a pamphlet about bullying.
Then print out a picture of me using a laptop from 1982 whoever grabs their printout first is the winner! Aah! Surprise twist! Aah! What are you doing, Santiago? Go! Aah! You're burning my skin! No broken rolly wheels! I did it! I took my time, I wasn't a crazy idiot, and I won! I finally wo-on Oh, yeah Yes! Ye What's going on here? Someone answer him now! Santiago! Peralta! Boyle? Hitchcock is very handsome.
Why, thank you, Boyle.
No one has anything to say? Captain, what you just saw was the Jimmy jab games.
It's a bunch of dumb contests we play to kill the time.
Nobody even cares who wins.
I won! It's stupid, but we like it.
Clean this up.
Now.
Boyle, I'm ready to take this to the next stage.
You're gonna pierce my ear wait.
What are you doing in my locker? I can't do this.
I can't make you look cool.
Because you're afraid that Jake and I are gonna cut you out.
Well, you're not wrong.
I'm gonna find that tape.
You think I'd just leave something that valuable lying around? I got it on me.
Oh! Gimme that tape! Ah! Gimme that tape! Jake! Help me! Ugh! Ah! Uhh! Ugh! The serbian President's plane is wheels up.
Report to your motorcade positions immediately.
Let's go! Hey, you gave it a good try.
Sorry you lost.
No.
It's for the best.
I let Amy win.
Close, close, close, close! Ah! Oh! You're right.
I'm not over her.
Boyle, get out.
I need to talk to Jake.
Okay.
Bye! I warmed up the seat.
Ugh, he did warm up the seat.
It's like a fire pit.
Look, if you're here for your $200, can I interest you in a check that will definitely bounce? No.
You will pay me in cash.
Ok.
Look, I thought I was over Amy, but clearly I'm not, you know? I'm as frustrated as you are.
I'm not frustrated.
But I am not enjoying this.
It is not like you to get hung up on a girl.
I don't know what to do.
You call Katie.
That's what you do.
Only way to move on is to move on whether you think you're ready to or not.
Gotta get out there, man.
All right.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Are you okay, sir? I don't want to sound dramatic, but today has been sub-optimal.
That doesn't leave this office.
Muntch beat me.
The squad was a disaster.
And in the end, you know who I'm angriest with? Yourself? No.
Muntch.
I need this task force to succeed, and there's not a Detective here who's adult enough to lead it.
Peralta and Santiago were cowards, Diaz was disrespectful, and I just saw Hitchcock and Boyle fighting like children.
Get off Get off me! Hitchcock Gimme that tape! You're squeezing my boobs! Sir, I know you think Rosa disrespected you, but I found her inspiring.
She did what I should have done Stand up and tell you the truth.
And what truth is that? First, everyone else made this Wuntch-lunch connection instantly.
Second, Wuntch didn't beat you.
She saddled me with this task force.
You think she's consumed with pettiness? You're no better.
Yes, the task force is risky, but it gives us a chance to do a lot of good in the community.
Sir, if you ask me, you're acting like a real Victor Emmanuel III.
You used that insult completely incorrectly.
But I suppose I have let Madeline distract me from our purpose.
Which is why I think Rosa should lead the task force.
There's no B.
S.
with her.
Agreed.
Thank you, sergeant.
And I know you were lying about that Wuntch-lunch thing.
That was mine.
How was the motorcade? Any assassinations? No.
It was boring.
Mmm.
Well, thanks for getting the tape back.
Oh! Oh, guys! Oh! I'll see you tonight at my place? God, I hate you.
Don't be late.