Call Me Kat (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1 ("PUSH IT" BY SALT-N-PEPA PLAYING) Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby pop Yeah, you, come and give me a kiss Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed Can't you hear the music's pumpin' hard Like I wish you would? Now push it Push it good P-Push it real good! Push it good Wait.
P-Push it real good! (MUSIC STOPS) Let's do this again and video it for TikTok! Or maybe we don't and this is something that we just do at home and never tell anyone about.
Fine.
But our roommate TikTok account is never gonna go viral unless we post something on it.
Do you want popcorn with the movie? - Wait, what movie? - Oh.
Love Actually is on in five minutes.
I put it on the roommate calendar.
(SCOFFS) I'm really tired.
Can we just stream it another night? It is so much better to watch it in real time.
Like, with commercials? Exactly.
That's when we talk about the flaws.
Like the Hugh Grant story.
I mean, the prime minister falling for his junior staffer? That's totally sexual harassment, given the power imbalance.
Ooh, or what about that guy who creeps on his best friend's wife with those stupid signs? You know, for a semi-stalker, he has very delicate handwriting.
Right.
So we unpack all that and then we get back to watching the romantic movie that we love, actually.
Okay, fine.
Let the mixed feelings begin.
Yay! It's so much better to discuss it with a roommate.
Why? 'Cause normally you discuss it with yourself? No, that would be weird.
I absolutely do that.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me.
One vanilla latte.
And a slice of my banana bread to help you on your long, sweaty ride.
Thanks, Phil.
You're the best.
(CHUCKLING) That man is finer than a frog hair split four ways.
I am too tired to have an opinion about some old guy's frog hair.
Sorry.
I'm in a mood.
Kat had me up all night.
Oh, that must be fun two girls living together, painting each other's toenails and having pillow fights.
Is that what you think two adult women do at night? Well, actually, there was a pillow fight, which I kind of liked because I destroyed her.
(CHUCKLES) Look, I'm not saying that it's not fun sometimes.
But Kat wants to have fun every night.
Well, honey, you need to talk to her.
No.
I mean, she's saving my ass by letting me stay with her.
I just can't wait till I get enough money to get my own place.
I'm sure it'll be nice to have a bed again.
Oh, it will.
My back is killing me.
The only people who should be sleeping on couches are drunk frat boys and sisters who broke up with their boyfriend you said was a loser from the beginning.
Good morning to you Good morning to you You're ready to mix Because you've been fixed.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, you have to admit, her "good morning" songs are pretty cute.
Sure.
But did you know she has a song for everything? (MUFFLED): Brushing my teeth Brushing my teeth Gonna get in the back In case there is plaque.
D-D-Decaf Decaf, it gets a bad rap Life's already caffeinated That's just my opinion-ated Break it down, break it down.
(BEATBOXING) Okay, I see how that might be a challenge.
Especially the liberties she's taking with her rhymes.
Good mornin', Phil! - Mornin', roomie.
- We did that upstairs already.
- Is she okay? - Her back is a little sore from sleeping on your couch.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
I feel terrible.
Old couch, hard and lumpy Making my friend Randi grumpy.
Yeah.
Might want to keep that little gem to yourself.
Damn, this is messed up.
Climate change? The increasing wage gap? The uphill battle for social justice and equality? Uh, no.
But now what I'm about to say is gonna sound really petty.
I'm talking about this month's Bourbon Crawl.
The list came out and we're not on it.
How is it possible the Middle C didn't make the list but Pete's Watering Hole did? Probably because Pete keeps adding new bourbons.
They have this 20-year-old reserve that is so smooth, it's like a lover whispering in your ear.
Are you cheating on the Middle C? Well, maybe if you spiced things up on the bourbon shelf, I wouldn't have to look elsewhere to have my needs met.
Okay, we are in a weird area, but I get your point.
We got to up our bourbon game.
(SINGSONGY): Hey.
- (SINGSONGY): Hey.
- MAX: Aw.
Look at you two, with your hey-heys and your smiles.
So cute.
Ew.
See? That's why I didn't want to tell anyone about us.
In his defense, we are pretty damn cute.
Okay, so I know my rule is to never stay over more than two nights a week, but I have to get some sleep.
So can I s Stay over tonight? Hell yeah! I'll make you dinner.
Do you like coq au vin? I don't know how to make it.
I'm not even sure what it is.
- But, for you, I'll figure it out.
- You know what? - (CHUCKLES) Forget it.
- Oh.
I now remember why there was a rule in place.
You are way too into this.
(CHUCKLES) Unlike Pete's 20-year-old reserve, that was not smooth.
I know.
My brain was like, "Play it cool.
" But my mouth was like (HIGH-PITCHED): "It's happening!" - You ready for your surprise? - (CHUCKLES) On the count of three, we both take off our blindfolds.
Why do you have a blindfold on? Because I want to experience it right alongside you.
Is that why it took so long to get up the stairs? Well, I now see the flaw in my plan.
Okay.
Three steps down.
You are gonna love me when you see this.
Now, don't feel like you have to say that you love me.
But if you want to say that you love me, go ahead.
Or don't.
Again, up to you.
Ta-da! Where's the couch? At the thrift store! It was hurting your back, so I got you a new one! And this one folds out into a bed! How much do you love me? I had $2,000 hidden in that couch! What?! You can tell me you love me later.
Why would you hide all that money in the couch? What about a bank? I like to keep my money close, okay? I need to see it first thing in the morning and say good night to it before I go to bed.
And now it's out there, alone and in the cold.
Well, i-if it helps, the weather's supposed to stay warm through the end of the w Okay, that's not helping.
I have been saving for months.
That money was for me to get my own place.
You gave away my escape fund! Your "escape fund"? I didn't mean that.
Well, what did you mean? I just meant that I can't live here forever, Kat.
Eventually, I have to get my own place.
And I want that for you.
I can't wait to come over with salt and bread.
It's a Jewish thing.
You should never go hungry, may your life be full of flavor Let's talk about this later.
I had no idea you've been so unhappy.
I'm not unhappy.
It's just that you always want to have fun! Like, all the time! You're very perky! Wow.
So you need to "escape" my "perky"? No! I need to find my money! Okay, okay.
Oscar and I just dropped off the couch a few hours ago.
Well, can we go get it, please? We're gonna go get it! We're gonna get your money! Oh, keys, keys, where are my keys? Keys, keys, show yourself, please Keys, keys, where you at? - Keys, keys, come to Kat.
- Not the time for a song! Oh, quick, put on your blindfold.
- Why? - I don't know! I say stupid things when I panic! All right, gentlemen, remember, we got to pace ourselves.
We've got eight bourbons to taste tonight.
Are you gonna serve it with a sweet potato dipped in maple syrup like they do at Pete's Watering Hole? That is tasty.
Cheaters.
You're all a bunch of cheaters.
Well, give us a reason not to.
Let's get to tastin'.
Ouch.
That's what you get for being grabby.
They don't slap you at Pete's.
As you can see, I've covered the labels to eliminate any bias.
We'll sip each one, sit with it for at least five seconds and then we'll give it a rating from one to ten.
Wait, is one the best or ten? When is one ever better than ten? One stab wound is better than ten.
How 'bout STDs, snakes, clowns Oh, yeah, you never want to be in a room with ten clowns.
I'm currently in a room with two.
Now, this is important, so we need to really, really stay focused.
- (LAUGHING) - I was going old-school on the dance floor.
- I was doing the Dougie.
- Oh! Doing the Running Man.
(CHUCKLES) I was acting like a fool for her! You got to do what you got to do! - (CHUCKLES) - And then what happened? Well, I tried to seal the deal by krumping.
I turned around, she was walking away.
Well, you don't krump at a lady.
- You don't krump at all! - (CHUCKLING) I know.
I know.
And she was so cool.
I tried calling after her, but I couldn't remember her name.
Oh, man, that is the worst.
- Mm-hmm.
- I always use a mnemonic.
When I met Carter, I said, "Carter, Farter.
" (LAUGHING) When I met Max, I said, "He's hot.
I won't forget him.
" (LAUGHS) You know, it's fun to be out there again, but I wouldn't mind being in a relationship like you.
Randi won't let us use the R-word.
She calls it a "situationship.
" PHIL: Is she crazy? You're a catch.
You've got everything a woman could want, and your hair is a gravitational wonder! (MAX CHUCKLES) - To Carter's hair! - (CHUCKLING) What about you, Phil? Anyone out there tickling your fancy? Well, there is this one gentleman who shows up every morning in his little bike outfit.
He's got a fancy I wouldn't mind ticklin'.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, go for it! - (CARTER CHUCKLES) - You got to hit that! - Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
That man would not be interested in me.
Max, we have to make this happen.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna invite him to go ride bikes on that trail by the lake.
Oh, strong start.
I'm liking this.
Then, just as the water comes into view, you get a cramp in your leg.
But how convenient under that beautiful willow tree, someone has left a bottle of wine and two glasses.
Who? Who did that? - We did, you idiot! - I'm the idiot? You think two grown men are gonna drink an open bottle of wine that they find on the side of the road? Phil would be in on it! Well, you should've made that clear! Oh, boys, boys, boys, this is all very sweet, but it's not gonna work.
- I don't know how to ride a bike.
- What? How is that possible? No one taught you? Well, my dad gave me my brother's old bike, but I wanted my sister's.
It was pink.
It had sparkly streamers and a big basket filled with plastic flowers.
I loved it.
But when my father saw me sitting on it, he just shook his head and walked in the house.
Sorry, Phil.
That's tough.
I was so ashamed.
I never got on that bike again.
Or any other bike.
I know exactly what we have to do.
Desecrate his father's grave.
No.
Teach him how to ride a bike.
Why do we always have to do what you want? If there's time, we can do both! Oh! You guys are the best! (CHUCKLING) Okay, you're not my couch.
You're not my couch.
I don't know any of you.
Where is the couch? Welcome to Joe's Used But Useful.
We're here for your penny-pinching pleasure.
Hi, I was here this morning.
I dropped off a couch.
Oh, right.
You kept saying someone was going to love you.
Yeah, that didn't pan out.
Um, I need to get it back.
- It's been sold.
- To who? Oh, I'm sorry, there are confidentiality issues.
Why? You're not a doctor.
You sell crap with weird stains on it.
Sorry, it's really important that my friend find that couch.
Don't worry, we'll get it back, and then you can escape from me.
Can we just forget I said that? Totally forgotten.
And I won't even bring up the "perky" thing.
But, you know, to be honest, you're not the easiest person to live with, either.
I'm sure I'm not.
You're moody in the morning, you leave dishes in the sink, you borrow my clothes without asking.
I have never borrowed your clothes! I know! You hate my clothes, and that's no fun for me! Well, then, you'll be happy when I'm gone.
Excuse me, you're making the customers anxious.
You're making me anxious.
Well, then, just tell us where the ever-loving couch is.
Fine.
But no one can know where you got the intel.
We promise this will never get traced back to you.
And if it does, we'll just tell them that we beat it out of you.
It'll be easy to believe because it was this close to happening.
I'm not sure about this.
- But what's important is we are.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think you're ready to go.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but my feet aren't even touching the pedals.
This bike was built for a sporty giant.
Oh.
Sorry.
(YELLS) Ooh! My boys! - Ooh, I felt that.
- (HIGH-PITCHED): Me, too.
- (GROANS) - All right, here's what we're gonna do.
- All right? We're gonna give you a push.
- (GRUNTS) - Uh, uh - Yeah.
That's it.
Then you're on your own.
- Wh what? - That's not how we're gonna do this.
Why not? That's how my dad taught me and how I taught my son.
You just give 'em a push, let 'em sink or swim.
Well, I didn't have a dad, so I can't tap into all that toxic masculinity.
It's not toxic masculinity! It's the recipe for a champion! We're gonna teach Phil the way that my mom taught me.
She held on and ran behind me the whole time.
(LAUGHS) That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
It was gentle and nurturing.
When did you actually learn to ride by yourself? Well, that's not important, Farter.
Answer the question, son! Sixth grade, okay? But it kept my mom in great shape! - That's why we're doing it my way, pretty boy! - (YELLS) Oh! My foot! - Shake it off, sport.
- Oh, my sweet angel.
We had such different childhoods.
Max was gonna ride me to urgent care on the back of his bike, but your big old chariot is much nicer.
Happy to help.
You saved me from my cleaning lady's housewarming.
Somehow, she manages to reach the dust on her ceiling fan.
How you feeling, Phil? I feel like a damn fool.
I'm too old to learn to ride a bike and too old to find love.
Good Lord, you want some cheese with that whine? Hoo-hoo! Sick burn from Sheila.
You know who has a great cheese and wine pairing? Pete's.
You shut your mouth.
Quiet, you two.
You know, Phil, when my husband died, I could've become a sad old widow, but I didn't.
I went right next door and found love again.
I know.
My mama says there's a lid for every pot.
But it's different for gay men.
At some point, the gay lids want younger, cuter pots to cover.
And us old pots only get drug out when the roof leaks.
Oh, please, I'm a woman over 60.
I'm invisible.
When I walk into a room, all people see is a great pair of shoes and a Chanel bag floating in the air.
I always notice your hair.
Me, too.
It's like a penny.
But hair.
Thanks, boys.
Fredrick got me in last minute before he went into hospice.
You know, Phil, as I always say, thank you, next.
(CHUCKLES) That's Ariana Grande.
That's her song.
Well, I said it first.
Put yourself out there.
And if you get a no, it's thank you, next.
You want to go out? No? Thank you, next! That's some straight up wisdom right there.
MAX: Hey, I know we're on the way to the hospital, but we just passed a taco place with no line in the drive-through.
What is wrong with you? - I'm hungry.
- You're always hungry.
Stop shaming me! So help me, I will pull this car over.
Can you pull it over into the parking lot of that frozen yogurt place? Ooh, frozen yogurt! Oh, now you're on board? I guess, in a way, my mom dying brought me and my sister closer together.
There it is.
Okay, here's what we'll do.
I'll pull the fire alarm, and then we'll rush in.
We'll say we're with the fire department.
No, that sounds ridiculous.
Let's just wait until the meeting's over.
W That's in an hour and a half.
I have travel Scrabble in the car.
Would you two like to join us? - Oh.
Uh, no, no, no.
No, we're we're good.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) We'll just, uh we'll wait out here and watch.
But not in a weird, like, voyeuristic You know, we're firefighters.
You know what? I'll come in.
I've got $2,000 worth of grief.
Good news.
Phil's foot is just a mild sprain.
Oh, that's a relief.
Now, let's talk about you boys.
What were you thinking?! Drinking like that and then putting poor Phil on a bicycle.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
You know something? I just realized, I've never had to do this before.
The only dangerous thing Kat ever did was eat too many breath strips and her tongue went numb.
We were picking new bourbons for Carter's bar, and it got away from us.
Maybe if we would've stuck to my system - Oh, here we go again.
- Let me help.
I'm a bit of an expert.
My mother put bourbon on my gums when I was teething.
By the time I was two, I'd developed quite a distinct palate.
PHIL: Hey, everybody! - (CHUCKLES) - Oh! How are you? There he is! (CHUCKLES) This is Nurse Nelson, who took very good care of me, and we're going out on Saturday.
Keep that foot elevated for a couple days.
- I'll call and check in.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(CHUCKLING) Good for you, Phil.
You put yourself out there.
Well, I got a no from the doctor.
I got a no from the radiologist.
But I kept thank you, next'ing and thank you, next'ing until Nelson said he loves Ariana Grande.
Why is that woman getting credit for something I came up with? Like, the other day, I saw a beautiful butterfly in my yard and I thought, "That's Mom, checking in on me.
" She always did have an opinion about my roses.
It's nice to feel like she's still with me somehow.
- I know we always - Would you mind switching seats? You get here early, you get the couch.
Okay.
It's just that my back hurts when I sit in these kind of chairs, so You get here early, you get the couch.
Can we just pull the fire alarm now? Shh! Would you like to share? - Me? - Yeah.
Oh.
No, no, no.
I'm, uh I'm I'm not sad.
(CHUCKLES) Today was hard, but In general, I'm a very optimistic person.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, of course, there's some sadness.
My my dad died.
It was over a year ago, but still, it's kind of hard to wrap my head around it.
(EXHALES) You know? Like, one day, he was here, and then, the next day, he was just gone.
(CHUCKLES) What are you feeling now? Uh, I don't know.
I guess there's always, uh, some stuff that you wish you did or got to share.
Mm.
Like what? Well, like, the weekend before he died, uh, he cleaned out the the closet in the den, and he found this board game we used to play, Hungry Hungry Hippos.
And he asked if I wanted to come over and play.
You know, he thought it would be fun if we ordered pizza and we all played Hungry Hungry Hippos.
And I said, "I can't play Hungry Hungry Hippos with you.
"I'm too busy.
Also, I'm almost 40.
" (CHUCKLES) If I had known that he'd be gone two days later, I mean, I I would've played it 100 times.
You know? I would've grabbed all the fun that I could've had with him out of every moment that was left.
And maybe that's why I hold on to people that I love a little too tightly.
You know, I just want to make sure that I, like make the most of every moment.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
You know how grateful I am for you letting me stay.
I do.
And I'll try to be less perky.
No, no.
Your perkiness balances out my anti-perkiness.
Together, we're just the right amount of perk.
Okay, but I promise no more pillow fights.
No, I loved the pillow fight, because I won.
(CHUCKLES): Oh.
I let you win.
Bitch, you did not let me win.
Bitch, I did let You know, I cannot pull that off.
Respect for trying though.
I do not like women using the B-word on each other, but that was lovely.
(CHUCKLING SOFTLY) (QUIETLY): Can we pull the fire alarm now? I've got a better idea.
Um, I don't want to take up too much time, but would it be possible to get a group hug? Of course! Everyone, let's support our new friend.
Make your move, bitch! Don't hold this against me! I might actually come back! Sorry! Wrong cushion! Oh, you boys are so sweet for buying me this.
I'm as happy as a mosquito at a pool party.
- (CHUCKLING) - You ready? - (EXHALES) I think I am.
- All right, - remember, buddy, just keep your eyes straight ahead.
- Okay.
- You can do this, Phil.
- Yeah.
(MUTTERING) One, two.
Ready? Go! - Ooh! - (CHUCKLES): Oh! Oh! I'm riding a bike.
I'm riding a bike.
Yep, I'm doing it.
I'm riding a bike.
- (BELL TINKLES) - (CHUCKLES) Aw, the training wheels were a nice touch.
Did anyone teach him how to stop? - (PHIL YELLS) - (CRASH) (GASPING) I'll pull my car around.
Now is the time, sugar Go ahead, keep clapping on Oh We're getting higher, that's what we are - (BELL TINKLES) - Oh I just want to move Get into the, get into the groove There ain't nothing else I came here to do I just want to move