Carter (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

1 (ENGINE SPUTTERING) All right, try it again.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Did you even look at the engine before you bought this thing? No, but the guy said it once belonged to Val Kilmer, so Oh, well even Val Kilmer can't drive with a busted starter engine.
Why do you hate Val Kilmer? Hard to believe they're finally replacing you on Call Carter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nobody's replacing me.
Nobody used the term "replace.
" Oh yeah? What word did they use? They can call it whatever they want.
I quit them.
Remember? I loved my time on Call Carter, but that's in the rear view, and I'm fine with that.
All right, as long as you're happy, buddy.
Of course I'm happy.
If I wasn't, I wouldn't have agreed to take this new kid on a ride along and show him how - a real detective operates.
- (HORN HONKING) Oh, here he is now.
DAVE: Hey, who is this guy, anyway? Some kid they found doing dinner theatre in Minneapolis or something.
I'm gonna give him the kind of leg up every newcomer deserves.
You have a big heart, Harley Carter.
- I've got a big everything.
- Okay.
Except for ankles.
Do not have big ankles.
You know there's no exercise that properly targets the anks? Harley! My main man! - Vijay! - What's up, squirt? Nothing much, nothing much.
Uh surprise! HARLEY: David Arquette?! Look, look, look.
They were gonna go with a no name, but at midnight last night, David Arquette said he would be willing to take the part if they backed a money truck up to his house.
My understanding is they literally - backed a truck up to his house.
- (GASPING) No, it's it's fine.
It's just not where I would have gone casting-wise, but I'll help out any way I can.
Okay, good.
You're a big man, Harley Carter.
Harley freakin' Carter! (LAUGHING) Oh! I cannot wait to pick your brain.
I'm gonna get so deep inside there, I'm gonna impregnate your soul.
(LAUGHING) All right, I'm off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going? Uh, there there is trouble on the set of Lady Cop, so I gotta go to that.
I just I'll see you in a couple of days, okay? I'm Dave.
I'm a huge fan.
You were the best part of Scream 2 hands down.
Have to say.
Thanks! I can tell you're a fan by the crazed look in your eyes.
But listen, I brush my teeth just like you do.
I just have a little guy there named Mr.
Pippers who holds my brush.
Oh! So this is where the magic happens.
CARTER: Yeah.
The beating heart of law enforcement resides behind those doors.
Small town PD.
What, do you guys have one gun and just pass it around? Hey, I can teach you what I know, but you need to check that attitude.
This is a place of work.
A temple.
Respect it, and it will respect you back.
I got it.
Respect.
Let's do this! (SHOUTING) What up, Bishop?! David Arquette in the house! Hey, it's David Arquette! Hands off! David, David! (SHOUTING, CHATTERING) Wow Is that what it was like when you came back? It was way worse, I was just never into that stuff.
Love and adulation? No, I was always about the work.
Always about the work.
PRISONER: Get your hands off me! It's David! That's the no name replacing you on your TV show? Whoa, whoa, whoa, nobody is replacing anyone and yes, it's David Arquette.
All right, guys.
Does anybody have any work to do, or You should probably get back to work.
Come on.
No, no, no I need some me time, all right, guys? I'll get to each and every one of you, I promise.
(FORCED LAUGHTER) - Who are you? - Oh, Detective Shaw.
Oh! (LAUGHING) Um, Harley never told me that you were replacing him on his TV show! What? It's David Arquette! The golden age of television meets the golden age of Arquette it's perfect.
Although we're gonna make the show a lot grittier this year.
Like, real stories from the streets, not like what they were doing before.
- Totally.
- Heh, yeah.
We were a top 30 show on WGN America every year I was there so we must be doing something right.
Yeah, but you know that old saying, uh, if everyone loves you, you must be doing something wrong? (LAUGHING) So I'm just here to ride along and learn from the pros.
Like you, for instance.
Wow, I-I thought you were here to study Harley.
Nah, I get inspiration from everywhere.
- I'm an artist, you know? - Yeah.
I can't turn it off.
God just made me too talented.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's arrogant to say - Yes.
- Watch this.
Who wants a lap dance from David Arquette? (WOMEN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY) So this is where the party's at? - Simone! - Hey! How are you? What's up? I want some of this! Oh my! The shirt! Look at that print! Oh my goodness.
DAVE: What are you doing here? Did I just hear somebody yell "It's David Arquette?" Oh, yeah, it is David Arquette.
So lame, right? Uh, have you seen that boy wrestle in his teeny-weeny man panties? Lame is not the word I'd use.
Wrestling is fake.
Oh I'm guess I'm leaving now.
Give us a minute.
Simone's back! I haven't heard from you in months! You don't return my texts? I have to rely on social media to know if you're alive! See? Now that's a greeting.
So what happened to what Where was it? Miami? Miami? Girl, it has been a long time since we've talked.
Buy me lunch and I'll give you the whole story? No, I can't, I'm at work.
Same old Sam.
What time do you get off? - When work is done? - Okay.
- (SIGHING) Let's meet later.
- No, I'm not staying at your place.
- Of course you are.
- Absolutely not.
- Of course you are! - No! I'm not staying at your house, Sam - Are you kidding me? - remember last time? - I was trying to redecorate - You're staying at my place.
and you freaked out and cried.
You're staying at my place! I am not debating this.
All right, get some rest.
And I will see you tonight.
Just 'til I figure out where I'm going to stay.
Welcome home.
What's the Wi-Fi situation? We were having such a nice moment.
Well, it was so slow last time.
- Why do you do that every time? - I've gotta download my shows.
"To Mrs.
Rafalski, stay sexy! Deputy Dewey.
" Scream is my wife's favourite movie, she's gonna flip! Well, that's the right reaction.
(ALL LAUGHING) - Hope you get some! - (ALL LAUGHING) All right, everybody.
Mr.
Arquette is our guest, and I know it will be an inconvenience, and annoying at times, but let's give him whatever he needs and show him what great hosts we are.
Well, I'm just here to see how real cops get 'er done! - (ALL LAUGHING) - That's not funny.
You know, in Hollywood, we get a lot of awards, but I want you to know what you're the real heroes, give yourself a hand! (APPLAUDING, CHEERING) Now let's go save a cat from a tree or give a lawnmower a ticket, whatever backwoods nonsense - you do around here! - (ALL LAUGHING) Listen up! Got a report of a body washed up on Collins Sound.
Oh drowned and found.
Drowned and found.
(ALL LAUGHING) Nice one, David Arquette! Keep 'em coming.
Is it okay if I hate him just a little bit? He may be a pampered Hollywood star, but over the next two days, I'm gonna turn David Arquette into a true detective, even if it kills him.
Don't you mean "even if it kills you?" I know what I meant! (DYNAMIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) Unbelievable.
Come on Yeah, let's do this! Dude, where have you been? I've been here fifteen minutes.
- I had to change.
- You had to change for this? Yeah, it's my crime scene look.
Unbelievable.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Careful.
Easy there, okay? This is very important, crossing the tape.
You mess this up, it ruins the whole scene.
- Okay.
- My technique I like to use hand, neck, body follows.
Okay? Hand, neck, body follows, step.
Try it.
BOTH: Hand, neck, body follows.
- Step, that's it.
- That's it? Okay.
Very important.
Rafalski! What is this? That's crime scene tape.
To secure the perimeter of the crime scene.
How many times have I told you, this is way too tight! No one else complained.
He's here! Hah-hah! Hey, everyone, can you just stop what you're doing just for a sec? It's an old Hollywood tradition that the lead gets the crew something extravagant on the first day.
Just to establish loyalty and dominance, so I got you a coffee truck! (OFFICERS CHEERING) Yeah, guys! So help yourselves, and remember! Don't spill anything on your costumes, these wardrobe girls will kill ya.
Did you cater a crime scene? - Yeah, you don't? - No! This is not a set! These are not actors, they're people.
Tell me about it! We should cast some real hot cops for some motivation.
Okay, listen up.
Welcome to "Dead Men Tell Some Tales" theatre.
So, storm surge brought the body up on the beach, but we do not believe that the deceased drowned.
If he had, he would have been bloated once he resurfaced.
This man was dead before he entered the water.
Okay? Yeah oh yeah.
Uh-huh.
Okay All right, yeah.
(EXHALING DEEPLY) We're circling.
We're scrutinizing.
We're letting the body tell us a story.
Talk to me, baby.
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Everybody's staring at us.
It's okay.
Ah! We got some ligature marks around the ankles.
That means that this man was deceased before he hit the water or they would have to weigh him down.
Nice anks, too.
You know, there's no exercise that properly targets the anks.
Oh, we got a broken leg, which means that this man was not tossed from a boat.
Everyone knows that if you hit the water from a high altitude, it's it's like hitting concrete.
Isn't this the part where you're supposed to come up with a big line that launches the investigation - in the right direction? - No, David.
No, no, no.
Never force it.
Only if it comes organically.
Therefore I conclude that this man fell from the sky! I don't think that's gonna make the cut.
- He fell from the sky.
- (GASPING) Harley's theory was right on the money.
You know, I was gonna say he fell from the sky too.
He has an incision at the back of his hairline likely made from a thin-bladed knife.
Brain was dead before he hit the water.
Crushed vertebrae, shattered pelvis, totally consistent with an injury from a great big fall.
Good hair, detective.
Work! (LAUGHING) I said "hair.
" I meant to say "work," but I was thinking hair.
Oh, and I found this in his suit jacket.
He has nothing else on him.
I think it's a bird.
It's a Thunderbird.
Anishinaabe design, specifically Ojibwa.
How did something like this end up in pin stripe's pocket? Well, I think I know where we can go to get an answer to that question.
(WHISPERING) Oh, she's good.
What else has she been in? SAM: Okay, I have to go talk to someone now, so you say nothing, you touch nothing, you do nothing.
You are untrained and ill-equipped, - so you stay in the car.
- (SIGHING) Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you going? Sam said stay in the car, man! I can't learn anything in the car! I need my boots on the ground.
I need to feel things, and touch things, and taste things, smell things.
You wouldn't understand.
But (INHALING DEEPLY) He just put that in his mouth.
Was I ever like that? Well, you still do an uncomfortable amount of tasting, let's just say that.
Do we go get him? No.
I need a minute without that guy.
And that is how it's done.
- Acting! - Hey! Augh! Hi.
Sorry, I I'm just supposed to be waiting in the car.
I probably should do that.
Open the door! - Open the door! - Can I help you? Can you please just open the door? I thought you had to touch, taste, and smell stuff.
I did.
I did, thank you.
And now there's a very large man coming.
I got this.
- What up, Waab?! - The big man! (LAUGHING) Bakwa! Sam! Wow! Hey, how you doing? Good, how are you? Hollywood! Hey! Oh, and this is, uh - David Arquette.
Of course.
- Hey.
Everyone knows who David Arquette is.
Muppets From Space.
- I was also in A Very Muppet Christmas.
- Oh, yeah.
I also presented Kermit with his star on Hollywood Boulevard.
We're really tight.
I'm not bragging.
I went to the Victoria's Secret Christmas show.
It was good.
So I was hoping you could help me with something.
Look at this.
What do you make of that? It was handmade, by somebody who knew what they were doing.
Didn't get this in a gift shop.
I thought of you because you gave me one of these once.
Said it was one of a kind, like me.
Will you ask around? Would that make me part of your Scooby gang? We are hiring if this whole seaplane business crashes and burns.
Sorry, that didn't sound so dark when I said it in my head.
So the thing is, we found it on a dead guy.
CARTER: Now that was dark.
I'll keep my ear out, help in any way I can.
Okay.
Thank you.
We know you're busy.
Not for you, Sam.
But yes, things are going well.
Getting better every day, a lot on the horizon.
If things keep going this way, we should go on an old school road trip.
May have a line on some Lions tickets.
Okay! - Hope to see you soon, sunshine.
- Yeah.
Hollywood, a moment.
He meant me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm from Hollywood, too.
So, you and Sam.
Uh, me and Sam what? That's what I thought.
You know she's amazing, right? Uh, I may have clocked that.
You two seem to have some chemistry going there.
Yeah, Sam and I have, like, grade five chemistry.
- But you two? - We're friends.
You know my uncle has a saying.
Listen or your tongue will make you deaf.
I'm sorry, I have no idea what that means.
It means stop flapping up these, start listening to this.
It's already a done deal, brother.
Hey, you guys ever weigh down a body? Yeah, me neither.
I'm sure it's not as easy as it looks.
We're not talking Waab, are we? No, but maybe somebody who works for him? I think it's time we paid a little visit to the AHM.
(WHISTLING) - Hi.
- Hi.
I'm on the clock right now.
That's the only reason you're still standing.
Want us to hold your jacket while you kick their butts? Nah, those guys are just proof that the lowest common denominator just found the basement.
How do you know he wasn't whistling at me? Excuse me.
Can we ask you a question? I got him! SAM: What the Not if I get there first! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! (PANTING) I'd say freeze, but you beat me to it.
Yeah! Whoo! (PANTING) I already told you, I don't know nothing about no dead man on no beach! And even if I did, I'm not talking.
You can go ahead and arrest me or whatever, but I'm a lot more afraid of him than I am of you any day.
- Him? - Who is him? Listen, I don't know if this is the right time, but I'd really like to treat you all to dinner after wrap.
Sorry, again, that I can't hang, but this dinner was kind of last minute.
We'll have time.
Oh that's what you're wearing? What? this is this is my "going out" outfit! Okay, you took me in.
Let me at least be your glam fairy.
So how long do you think you're gonna be staying here? - What's your game plan for - Unbelievable.
Couldn't even wait one day before you start picking apart my life.
- What are you talking about? - "What's your game plan?" Oh, yeah, I'm the worst, sorry I forced you to stay with me, too.
What a bitch.
No, no.
One needs a plan in life, and since I do not currently have one, I'll be looking to acquire one.
Are you kidding me? This looks like if our set designer transformed our police station for a very special episode of Call Carter, "Carter Gets a Colonoscopy.
" Hey, if you guys wouldn't mind moving just a tad to your right, I'm trying to keep Mr.
Arquette's eye line clear.
CARTER: Who's the new cop? A little saucy.
Apparently he's an assistant director.
Arquette had him flown up from Montreal to work the dinner.
- Oh-ho! - Oh, you gotta admit, though.
That chocolate fountain is on point.
No, it's obscene! It's all obscene.
I wish Boyle was here to see what happened to his precinct.
Do you? Really? I guess you're right, I don't.
Wow! SAM: Well, thanks.
I was going for "wow.
" So the mechanic still won't talk, and I tried to reach Wabakwa, but he's gone.
Nobody knows where he is.
You don't think Waab's involved in this? I don't buy it.
No, me neither.
Wabakwa is many things, but a bad guy is not one of them.
Speaking of bad guys David Arquette.
Buying everyone's affection.
Can I admit something to you guys? - Sure.
- Yeah, lay it on us.
I'm having a real hard time with this whole re-cast thing.
I mean, I knew one day they would move on.
I just never thought they would move on.
I'm feeling replaced.
Are people just gonna forget about me? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, look, look, look.
David Arquette is rich, super famous, and everybody loves him.
- I mean - Loves him.
Eight Legged Freaks is a seriously underrated film.
Great pep talk, Dave.
No, not finished.
Because you know what he'll never be? He'll never be Harley Carter.
Because Harley flippin' Carter is irreplaceable and unforgettable.
Oh, you guys are the best.
And so am I.
Whoo! These Okies know how to party.
Jokes on him because I just ordered a hundred chocolate soufflés from Schimm's Bakery.
Cost me a fortune, but he's not the only one who can throw around cash.
Those chocolate goodies are about upstage him! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, what's up? Okay, we'll be right down.
Guys! That was Delilah.
They ID'd the body from the beach.
Let's go.
Sam! Sam! Sam! I ordered those chocolate soufflés, and I prepaid.
They cost me a fortune! SAM: We have identified this man as Pete Zahradnik, a drug capo out of Duluth, Minnesota.
Meth, dope, heroin.
Question, how does a goon from Duluth end up dead in Bishop? Answer! Does anyone have an answer? DELILAH: Well, I may have an answer.
Sorry to ruin your little evening.
Though it would have been nice for an invitation.
Would have worn a great dress.
So I usually do a CT scan of the whole body to see the areas that I haven't dissected, and this time I found an anomaly.
Didn't notice before because of all the trauma.
Follow me.
Well this is how this works.
It's not It's not difficult.
But it is not easy.
Stay with me.
Here we go.
Ah! Ta-da! Oh! Check it.
CARTER: Looks like a wilting flower.
Looks like a dog licking a star.
Or another Anishinaabe symbol.
The question isn't what are we looking at.
The question is why was this thing down a dead man's throat? Why? Hey.
You okay? (SIGHING) Simone? She's just so messy! What like, clothes everywhere, messy? Oh, her clothes are everywhere.
But no, just she-she is the real mess.
She ditched me, Dave.
I put my life on hold to take care of our mother so she could go do whatever.
And now, that things don't work out, I'm supposed to just clean up her mess? Like always? Yeah.
She needs you, Sam.
Responsibility isn't exactly her strong suit.
Well, what if I'm tired of being the responsible one? I'm tired of worrying about everybody all the time.
My sister, my job, my friends, you, Harley.
How is Harley? Yeah, everyone fawning over Arquette makes him feel a little less special.
Yeah, not a match made in heaven.
No.
Oh, great, there you are.
Come see what we've been working on.
Prepare to be impressed.
Okay.
What if the drawing that we pulled from Zahradnik's throat wasn't a drawing at all? But it was a clue? Okay, he knew he was gonna get got, and he wanted to leave something for us to find, and we have just been looking at it sideways.
David, marker.
Thank you.
Okay.
David, go get it.
Here we go.
It is actually a criminal map to the stars, Great Lakes edition! Okay, here we go.
We got star number 1 over here.
That is Zahradnik, that's our low-level Mafioso.
We know that he pushes and moves drugs.
If this is a mob movie, he's the patsy.
He's the guy that the mob boss kills just to show that he's in charge.
Probably played by David Arquette.
Oh, thanks! I never get cast in those roles.
Then, we got star number 2, that is our guy Waabakwa.
He's got a new seaplane business, he's trying to get new clients.
He finally gets a new one, he doesn't ask too many questions.
In our mob movie, he's the innocent guy who just gets in over his head.
That's also played by me 'cause those are the kind of roles I usually get.
Finally, the star of our movie star number 3.
Spaghetti and meatballs.
Are you trying to tell us you're hungry? Or insane, because message received.
Guys, high-school road trip.
Ciccoritti's Restaurante, the best pasta puttanesca we've ever had! BOTH: Detroit.
Yes! Lions! Waabakwa said he had a line on some Lions tickets.
That's the football team in Detroit.
That's what he was referring to! Harley, you did it! Wha-wha-wha, we did it.
We did it 'cause I got the marker and some gum from Rafalski's desk.
But what does it mean? Well, maybe Waab and Zahradnik were in business with someone from Detroit? It's some sort of Great Lakes drug-smuggling triangle? Okay, here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to scour all of the law enforcement databases in Detroit for anything on Zahradnik.
- What am I gonna do? - Replace Rafalski's gum.
Guys! All right, I have narrowed it down to three likely suspects.
That one! He was one of the guys that whistled at Sam.
He was at the marina.
SAM: I was hoping it wasn't him.
That is Mick "The Blade" Keywell, out of Detroit.
Total psychopath, and I mean that clinically.
He was diagnosed by a doctor who he later killed, with a blade.
Still, "Blade"? Pretty cool nickname.
The guy at the Narcotics task force said Keywell was moving product by seaplane along the lakes and looking to expand.
Guess who was standing in his way? Might it be Zahradnik, from Duluth? BOTH: Boop! Keywell knew Zahradnik was trying to expand into Canada, he floated a bogus partnership, Zahradnik bit.
Keywell's real plan was to lure Zahradnik off of his home turf so he could take him out.
That must be why Zahradnik swallowed the map.
He knew he was going to die, so he left us a clue.
Do you think Keywell's still in town? The question is where, and for how long? No, the question is where is Waabakwa? Because we sent him to ask questions to a guy who is a psychopath.
ARQUETTE: Hey, I remember that guy! He was at the marina.
He said he loved me in Never Been Kissed.
Good guy.
He needs to tell us where Keywell is before he leaves town and it's too late.
I'm going to go see if there's any word from Waabakwa before I go in there.
Perfect timing.
I am gonna go in there and get that guy to talk.
Wait.
You can't go in there as a consultant.
I can do whatever gets results.
Plus, we are on a ticking clock.
Hey, hey, hey! Let me go in.
I can play Bad Cop.
What makes you think you can be the Bad Cop? You think you can be a better Bad Cop than me, or something? It's not a competition.
But yeah.
Well, that's not what the producers of Call Carter would say.
What did you say? They always said your performance was kinda soft.
I hear you have a heart condition.
- What? - No, man.
Yeah, can't do the nitrates.
All that bacon makes you keep your mouth shut.
Uh, I don't follow.
Well, follow this! Either you talk, or I crack you like an egg and fry you on the floor of a hot yoga studio in the middle of July! Yeah, well, I'm gonna scramble up that egg, I'm gonna put some ketchup on it and I'm gonna eat it.
Mmm! Oh, really? Yeah, love eggs.
Tell me something.
How big are your nipples? My, my nipples? Excuse you, man? Pepperoni size or salami? 'Cause I'm gonna put clamps on them and I'm gonna connect 'em to a car battery, and I'm gonna light you up! Okay, okay, David, stop, stop, stop.
You're just taking it too far, man.
It works for Jack Bauer in every episode.
Yeah, but that's 24, we're more of a Castle vibe here.
Okay, less Bauer hard, more Fillion hard.
What does Fillion hard look like? (MUSIC PLAYING, SHOUTING) What the hell is going on in there? Oh, oh, don't worry.
We got the address right here! (LAUGHING) SAM: So, the mechanic confirmed that Keywell killed Zahradnik before he dropped him in the lake.
I hope this address he gave us turns out to be something.
Where are you, Waabakwa? Stop touching me! Easy, I have to be able to see, okay? Will you tell him to stay on his side? He's not sharing, Sam.
He's not sharing his One more word out of either of you and I'm turning this car around! - Quit it! - Ow, oh, he hurt me! That was my funny bone.
- Argh! - Hey, hey! SAM: Are you kidding me? He's going to blow our cover! (BLOWING RASPBERRY) CARTER: I hope he does.
That way, I can call the studio and tell them what a mistake they made I know that you're going through a difficult time right now, but I need you two to be on the same page before you get us killed.
Go apologize and make him believe it.
Just get it done.
You're an actor, right? Go act.
But he'll know I'm faking.
Listen, I'm only telling you this because I know that you can make him believe you.
You're an actor, right? You're a better actor than that guy.
All right, so go act.
- You first, go.
- No, please No, come on, go, please.
Okay, okay.
All right, let me go.
Okay.
I'll go, I'll go.
Okay, just do it.
You know once I played the complicated, misunderstood Phoebe stalker on Friends? Oh, yeah.
My career just went into the stratosphere.
And then, I just needed the best, the priciest denim, the silkiest sheets.
I filled my pool with the wettest water.
- Wettest water? - Oh, success, man.
She changed me.
And then, the comparisons started.
He's a young Steve Martin.
Or Martin Short.
They started grouping me together - with the likes of Peter Sellers.
- Eh.
And then, it was Buster Keaton - and Charlie Chaplin.
- I get it.
- The new Jerry Lewis.
- I get it.
You know what happened? I got mad, man.
I mean, I'm not a facsimile! I'm David Arquette.
Do you think they go up to, uh, Bill Murray and say, "You're an old David Arquette.
" They should.
No, man.
I'm me.
I'm unique.
I'm a comedic actor, and a certified Bob Ross instructor.
- Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
- Huh.
Point is, I just, I don't want to be so needy, but I am.
You're not going to believe this, but when I was a kid, I was, uh, - I was a little bit overweight.
- No, I believe it.
- I was bullied a lot, too.
- I can see that.
I remember one day, the bullies, they-they surrounded me and they were really taunting me.
They were, they were yelling, "Harley the Heifer! Harley the Heifer! Harley the Heifer!" It is a good burn.
- Can I finish? - Sorry.
So, they picked me up and they threw me in this trash can.
And when I was in the darkness of this can, that's when it hit me.
So, I crawled out of it.
It took me a while because 'cause I was fat.
And when I finally got out, I looked them all in the eye and I thanked them.
I was acting.
But when I went home and I sat on my bed I cried.
Because they were right.
I belonged in that can.
I was just a piece of trash.
(BOTH CRYING) Wait, you're acting! No, no, it's so real! It's so real.
I can see it.
No, no, no, I can tell you're faking.
(LAUGHING) I got you! I totally am.
No, but it was riveting! Real tears.
You have to tell me your technique? Uh, well, usually I just think of the People's Choice Awards when I lost out Best Breakout Male - to Rajesh from Big Bang.
- Pfft, Rajesh.
That, or sometimes I just pull a nose hair, that usually does the trick.
Oh, yeah, right there.
Have you ever tried to sit on your 'nads? I heard that worked once for Tim Roth.
Regardless, you are a wonderful actor.
I am just learning so much from you.
- Thank you.
- As an actor, and also as-as a police actor.
- Thank you.
- (BANGING ON CAR) It's just him.
He's alone.
Says he's a driver.
That's the guy who hired me, Keywell.
He's not a stable person.
How about this guy? He was there, too.
He didn't look too happy.
Where are they now? They took a seaplane to a meeting up north, I think.
Well, if they took a seaplane, then where is Waabakwa's car? Keywell asked me to get rid of it.
Why'd he do that? Because the local guy isn't going to be needing it anymore.
It's not a meeting.
It's a hit.
Okay, here is what we know.
The mechanic said that Waabakwa was approached by both Zahradnik and Keywell.
They said they were looking for a local to provide air transport, maybe hook them up with some warehouse space.
Waab thought he was getting in on the ground floor of something legit.
But he's not stupid.
So, by now, he's wondering where Zahradnik is.
And recognized Keywell's cologne as "eau de raving psychopath".
None of this tells us where he took him, or if he's even still alive.
SAM: I've left him like eight messages.
Guys, this is on us.
(PHONE BUZZING) Oh that's weird.
It's from an unknown number.
It just says "Ghost", and then a bunch of random letters, like fingers slipping on a keyboard.
Well, you think it's Waab? The driver said they were heading north, right? - Yeah.
- I think I know where.
Each time it comes around, I don't get to get to say something.
HARLEY: Here we go, Redstone Harbour.
It's a ghost town except for one structure, an old fishing cabin.
Koji took me there when I was a kid.
There was graffiti.
First Nations.
SAM: Anishinaabe.
DAVE: Waab might have suggested it for Keywell's import business.
SAM: Remember, they don't call Keywell "The Blade" for nothing.
And we can't assume he doesn't have back-up.
Okay, you two follow me.
Arquette, you stay in the car.
Come on! Put this on.
Put this on.
This is so exciting.
I told you to stay in the car.
You need me in there.
I've been in tons of fights.
On film or in real life? - Film, mostly.
- Yeah.
But every stunt coordinator I've ever worked with said my form is flawless.
You know, I once had this fight scene with Jon Cryer.
He punched me right in the nose, knocked me out! He wasn't even supposed to hit me.
We were playing dentists.
Jon Cryer who was Duckie in Pretty in Pink? Yeah, yeah, I think he was just mad at me 'cause I was friends with Charlie during the whole "tiger blood" thing.
He never even apologized.
Okay, put this on.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
Come with me.
Come on.
I'm so excited.
(WHISPERING) Stay low, stay low.
I know, so exciting, right? Yeah.
Okay, what's my move? Okay, you ready for your move? Your move is to get in this car and stay there or I will shoot you myself.
(BOTH STAMMERING) Get in the car! (WHISTLING) (CLEARING THROAT) I understand you had a visit from Johnny Law the other day? Very bad.
Is that who you were trying to text on your little phoney-phone phone? Hmm? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Shh, don't move.
Okay! All right! - Ah! - How many goons? Two.
Hey, I didn't know.
I know.
We know.
We got your back.
(TWIG SNAPPING) (UNZIPPING PANTS) Where are you? I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna cook you like a moose! Ugh! Oh, God, I'm so, so sorry.
Oh, I hope that's not permanent.
(GRUNTING) That's what you get for whistling at a woman.
Still the best defender in the province, Sunshine.
Tie up that goon.
Oh, Harley! I was looking for Keywell.
- Me too.
- (SCREAMING) What was that? Was that an animal? No, that's the cry of an Arquette.
Come on, move! Get up! Get on the plane.
Hey, you stay back! Stay where you are.
Drop the knife! Haha, no! He'll never kill Courteney Cox's ex-husband.
I'm gonna kill Courteney Cox's ex! Huh.
I was really off on that one.
How would you like it if I brought up your ex-wife in the conversation? I don't know.
I've never been married.
Oh, big surprise.
- Hey, zip it! - Not the face.
(PHONE RINGING) Just keep moving, come on! What is it, Vijay? Kind of in the middle of something here.
VIJAY: Hey, Harley.
How do you think this ends, Keywell? I don't know.
I'm just living in the moment.
I'm back in Bishop tomorrow to pick up Arquette.
And listen, I feel bad.
I should have warned you.
He's a bit goofy.
Keep moving! He's not goofy, he's just misunderstood.
He's an actor.
You gotta shoot him, Sam.
I don't have a clear shot.
Keep going.
Come on.
Come on, get in.
Go! Come on, move over! Jon Cryer Jon Cryer! Jon Cryer! Duckie? Arrrgh! Ow! (MOANING) Ahh! Carter, I pulled something.
Old wrestling injury.
Hey, tell me, all that wrestling's fake, isn't it? Do you want me to show you how fake it is? No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Is that fake? Is that fake? No, no, no, no.
Oh, God! This is so embarrassing.
I can't even get up.
Where's your double when you need one? Hey, you had your hero moment, and now it's my turn.
Oh, um Some things never change.
I got the power Here comes your knight in shining armour.
(CHUCKLING) Wait, what? Wait, my knight? What, you think this manly display of manliness is for me? I got the power Hey, look who's still alive.
(GROANING) Little help! Ah, okay, we got this, yeah.
- What are you doing? - Leaving, before you ask.
I want you to miss me, Sam.
I don't want you to be glad I'm gone.
So, I'm just here for a visit but I'm gonna get a motel.
I wasn't going to ask you to leave.
Yeah, that's the problem.
You never ask, but I can always tell.
Okay, look, Simone, if you want to go, I'm not gonna stop you.
But, I think you should stay.
But not really, though, right? I want you to stay.
Please.
Thank you, Sam.
It's okay.
No.
All the good in my life is cause of you.
Have I ever said that before? No.
It's about damn time, though.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Now, can I give you some advice? Oh, yes.
It's time to start putting yourself first.
I see big things for you, Sam.
Bigger than Bishop.
So, now I should leave Bishop? What's keeping you here? I could have died out there, Harley.
And in a way, the old David Arquette did.
You changed my life.
It's what I do.
Besides, if you were dead, I wouldn't be able to catch you every Wednesday night, on Call Carter.
Yeah, about that.
I'm not gonna do the show.
What? Why? Uh, you know, I was really just doing it for the money.
And I'm already obscenely wealthy, in case you didn't know.
I've done not one, but two Muppet movies.
That's, uh, two more than Justin Long.
Besides, what I really want to do is direct Porn.
Classy porn.
Hey! My two superstars! We gotta go! But Harley, I owe you big time! Just don't tell Vijay until you get back to L.
A.
Don't ever tell me what to do! I'm kidding, I'm kidding! (LAUGHING) - That scared me.
- Gotcha! (LAUGHING) Whoa! See you, David Arquette.
- You ready to roll? - Always.
(GROANING) - Come on.
- All right.
- Oh, yeah.
- Here we go.
Oh, yeah! Okay, not bad.
Getting good at this.
Hey, wait a minute.
Damn you, Val Kilmer.
Shouldn't one of us be behind the wheel? Yeah, let's get up there right now.
Whoa, okay, let's go! Na, na na na, na na (MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY) Na, na na na, na na Na, na na na, na na Na, na na na, na na DENTIST: Open wide, say "ahh".
PATIENT: Ahh!