Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[electricity crackling]
[both straining]
Who in their right mind would
throw away a genuine Spuds MacKenzie?
This thing's a collector's item!
Who was Spuds MacKenzie again?
Spuds was the ultimate party dog.
He could skateboard,
he was in a fraternity,
and he got all the babes.
Wait. Were they implying that this dog
had sex with human women?
Times were different back then, Daniel.
Now grab a hold of this rope.
One, two, three
[straining]
[both grunting]
Ugh!
Hey, hamstrings!
How about a little help here?
What can I do for you?
Just grab a hold of this rope
and anything else you'd like.
What are you? About 6'2", 211 pounds?
Yeah. That's exactly what I am.
How'd you know?
My aunt's special skill. [chuckles]
Her high school guidance counselor
always said she should go
- into carnival guessing.
- [chuckles]
[grunts]
Daniel! Run upstairs
and yank this thing inside. [chuckles]
- "Yank."
- [man grunts]
I stay here.
Fine.
I think I left some bras drying
in the oven anyway.
So, you live near here?
Or, you just walk around
offering to pull people's ropes? Heh.
That sounded very dirty
as it came into my mouth Out of.
- [man chuckles]
- Jesus!
I actually just moved
to that building on the corner.
Wow, that's really close
to where I live, which is right here.
Oh, cool. Jason.
Oh, right. I'm Danny. El. Danielle.
Is it Danielle or Daniel?
It's just Daniel.
Welcome home, Spuds.
I actually work up the street
at Kreativ Jus.
I get one free juice per quarter
and I'd love to give it to you
as a thank you. [chuckles]
And I'd like to take it from you
as a "you're welcome."
Damn it! I already have this one.
I knew it looked familiar.
Heads up!
- [loud thud]
- Shoot!
[Diane] Ah.
Now it's the city's problem.
[theme music playing]
Kurt, are you sure about this haircut?
It's real short. I can see your rage vein.
Ah, it's new regulations by my prick
of a supervisor, Director Worsley.
He's been on my ass ever since
I accidentally let one full-size bottle
of Pert Plus get through security.
And then, bam, he freaking demotes me!
Oh, no, Lost and Found?
Pfft, I wish.
Terminal Four. That's Spirit Airlines.
People go through security
with live chickens over there.
All right, Heidi's waitin' for me.
I gotta run.
Oh, you and bird lady
got any big weekend plans?
Gonna chew up some food
and spit it into her mouth?
No, I'm actually meeting her parents
this weekend.
They're cat people, though,
so things might get a little tense.
Anyway, thanks, Di. Top cut as usual.
[door chimes]
Aah.
Good for Kurt.
You need to stop cutting
your ex-husband's hair.
It's the one thing we still have.
[in thick accent] What about son?
Mikey? Oh, yeah, Mikey and the haircut.
That's all we have left.
Diane, he's clearly moved on.
You should too.
I'm fine.
I mean, I will be
once my Hitachi's back from the shop.
- Your TV?
- No, my vibrator.
- Motor burnt out.
- [chuckles]
Stewart, I am so sorry
you had to hear that.
Oh, it's fine. Diane's a riot.
By the way, your ex's girlfriend
has some big shoes to fill.
That depends on how much salt
I've had that day.
I fluctuate between a six and a ten.
[laughs]
Nice.
Diane, you've been
out of the game so long,
you couldn't even tell Stewart
was flirting with you.
He was?
People are too subtle now!
Back in the day, guys would just say,
"That's a lot of hair spray. Wanna bang?"
What's Diane struggling with now?
Moderation? Decorum?
How to properly flush a toilet?
[laughs]
We're trying to get her a man, Gideon.
I don't need a man.
I have a very fulfilling life.
Oh, really? What did you do last night?
I found a beer sign in an alley,
dragged it 14 blocks,
then fell asleep in my Lay-Z-Boy
with a family-sized mostaccioli in my lap.
Okay. Maybe I should go on a date.
[jazz music playing]
I mean, he's so good-looking
and it seemed like there was a vibe,
but I don't know if he's even gay.
If I met him,
I could tell you in a second.
I can immediately detect people's
sexual orientation and astrological sign.
[door opens]
Oh my God, that's him!
Jason! [gasps] Hi. Hello. Welcome.
Whatever.
How is it going?
Hey, Daniel.
- [whistling]
- Thought I'd claim my free juice.
Well, I've got some juice for you.
Libra and I'm not sure.
Okay. I'll have a large Mean Green?
Is that good?
Honestly, they're all horrible.
- [laughs]
- Thanks again for your help the other day.
You must work out. Like, a lot.
[chuckles] I'm actually
headed to my gym now.
Chicago Power Clean. You know it?
Do I know it?
Um, it's only my favorite gymnasium. Gym.
Here you go.
Thanks. Uh, maybe
I'll see you there sometime.
Totally.
Totally.
Oh my God! This is the loser patrol.
Look at this dork.
[in mocking voice] "I love to travel,
eat healthy and exercise."
No, thanks, narc.
You can't keep calling every guy
without a tattoo a narc.
Here. Kent.
He's an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
More like jeer, blows, and goat doctor.
Goat doctor? You should be so lucky.
All these men are dweebs.
I like a guy who gets most of his clothes
from car shows.
A man who's not afraid
to order his steak raw!
Or his chicken.
Look, because I want to wrap this up,
I think I may just have a solution.
I downloaded this app for myself
and was very disappointed,
so I'm guessing you're gonna love it.
"Mustaches Only dot com"?
Holy shit, these guys are all tens!
They all look exactly same.
Yeah, not good.
[Diane] Here.
Oh, this guy's a total gusher.
Make it happen, Gideon.
Only if you agree to do one thing.
Anything.
Your goddamn job!
Oh!
[techno music playing in the background]
[grunts]
[grunts]
- [whimpering]
- [crash]
- Daniel?
- Oh, hey, Jason.
I thought that was you.
So, what's up?
Oh, you know,
just throwing some weight around.
Dude, I was just giving you a tour
and you disappeared.
Also, did you just throw a kettlebell?
What? No.
[whispering] I'll pay for it.
Just give me a second, please.
[chuckles] What a weirdo.
Anyway, so what are you up to?
Uh, well, it's leg day. You want in?
You know what they say about leg day.
Of course, it goes without saying.
[grunting]
Fist pump!
Just one?
Yeah, don't want to get too bulky, so
You do have a nice lean frame.
Really? You think?
Hey, man, it's time for you to go.
Okay, Devlin. I'll see you soon.
I hope so.
Another loaded baked potato?
No, I know when I've been stood up.
Where do you think you're going,
hot stuff?
You must be Burch. You're late.
Listen, gorgeous,
I'm gonna make you a promise right now.
That will probably never happen again.
You're a goddamn smokeshow,
and I'd like to do nothing more
than to sit here and watch you
eat a bone-in rib eye
while, if you permit me,
I run my hand up your leg.
You're lucky I've only been
eating side dishes.
[hard rock music playing]
Hmm.
Damn it.
[doorbell rings]
[doorbell rings]
If you're from the liquor store,
just leave my aunt's Goldschläger
at the door!
- [doorbell rings continuously]
- Come on!
Oh my God, Jason.
What are you doing here?
Could I come in for a second?
Yeah, for sure.
Can I get you something to drink?
We have, um half a Clamato?
I'm good. [chuckles]
Daniel, is there any way that maybe
you came to the gym just to
I don't know, flirt with me?
What? No. [chuckles nervously]
Yeah, right.
You're not even gay, right?
You're not gay. Are you gay?
[chuckles]
Uh, all my ex-boyfriends seem to think so.
And I had a girlfriend in junior high
who was very suspicious.
Oh, so you are gay.
Yes, and I'd like to cook you dinner
at my place on Friday night.
That sounds really nice.
Awesome.
Uh, I'm done with work at 5:00
and I work right there, so
Oh, you work at Wrigley?
Like in marketing or concessions?
I'm the new shortstop.
Wow, a shortstop is a player?
Mm. Mm.
Aah!
You should charge people to watch you eat.
Another slice?
No, three's my limit.
What do you say we get out of here?
You ever watch the fireworks at Navy Pier?
Um, only 500 times.
Not from my penthouse apartment,
you haven't.
[fork clatters]
- [Diane] Yes! [moans]
- [Burch moans loudly]
- Yep!
- That was one for the books.
- Pall Mall?
- Virginia Slim 100 Menthol Light?
[both laughing]
That's funny. That's funny.
I gotta say, it's been years
since I slept with a guy
whose last name I didn't even know.
It was KC from the Sunshine Band, FYI.
Well, mine's Worsley.
Worsley. That sounds so familiar.
Where do you work?
I'm the head of TSA at Midway.
I'm basically the frickin' mayor
over there.
- [ominous music plays]
- Oh, shit.
This guy's such a catch.
But if I tell Kurt I'm dating his boss,
he will certainly
have his sixth heart attack.
Six? What is wrong with you people?
Give up pork!
Come on, guys. I'm really tormented here.
What do I do?
Listen, Diane.
Kurt sat here and told you how serious
he's getting with his girlfriend.
If you like this guy,
you should explore that.
Huh. That makes sense.
[in thick accent]
When first husband die of turkey plague,
I marry his boss at turkey farm.
Good point, Zuzs.
I'm just gonna be honest with Kurt.
He's a grown adult. He'll be fine.
How could you do this to me?!
Kurt, relax,
it's not the end of the world.
No, it's worse!
Ah, this is the ultimate betrayal!
I forbid you to date him!
You can't forbid me to do shit!
I'm a grown-ass woman
with the body of a 19-year-old.
I can do whatever I want
and I'm going to
date the fuck out of this guy!
Hi, sweetie. [kisses]
["Then He Kissed Me"
by The Crystals playing]
Well, he walked up to me
And he asked me if I wanted to dance ♪
He looked kinda nice
And so I said I might take a chance ♪
When he danced he held me tight ♪
And when he walked me home that night ♪
All the stars were shining bright
And then he kissed me ♪
Aah! [chuckles]
And then he kissed me ♪
And then he kissed me ♪
Mm! Yummers, this is good.
[chuckles] So is your acting.
Don't beat yourself up.
Sometimes my aunt
cooks meals on the radiator.
[Jason laughs]
Should we go out to grab a bite?
Or we could just order a pizza
and hook up while we wait.
[gentle music playing]
[buzzing]
Ow!
Not so close there, big red.
- Go ahead and trim that ear fuzz too.
- Mm.
You heard the man, Zuzs.
My Burchie likes his ears
like a baby's ass.
And here's your tip.
What is this?
It's a scratcher.
You could win up to 500 bucks.
It's better than cash.
So, give me a smile, huh?
Oh, these are the best!
All you gotta do
is get four stacks of cash in a row,
which you didn't get.
Ow. Better luck next time, honey.
And I'll see you tonight, toots.
[doorbell chimes]
- [door closes]
- [sighs] Isn't he a hunk?
He is hunk of something.
Hey! Lose the 'tude, Zuzs!
[hard rock music plays]
Ah, I feel like our bodies
are fully imprinted on this couch.
Maybe we should
go for a walk or something.
But if we're walking,
I can't be the big spoon.
Holy shit!
There's a Robyn concert
at Wrigley next week.
We gotta go!
Yeah I don't know.
Uh, we had, like, a two-hour
Robyn dance party in here the other night.
I don't really like big stadiums.
You're a baseball player!
Yeah, it's different. Okay?
So, come on.
Let's just watch some Netflix.
There's a new show Love is Quiet,
where people go on dates,
but they aren't allowed to speak.
[Tudum plays]
[narrator, whispering]
Welcome to Love is Quiet.
Today, lovebirds Alex and Brittany
are at the Riverside Community Library.
Shh!
Friday night, they're unveiling
a new art project in Terminal 2.
A bunch of kids
painting their own hands or something.
They asked me to give a little speech
and I'd love for you to be there with me.
I wouldn't miss it for all the iced teas
in Long Island.
Diane, do me a favor.
Go pick out a Beanie Boo or something.
Oh, I wonder if they still have
the Mayor Daley one.
Why do I have to keep coming in here, huh?
Get it right.
Mr. Worsley, I
- This is your last warning.
- I'm trying my best.
[grunts] Hey, remember what I said.
All right, all right, all right.
Let's go.
Everything okay over there?
Yeah, that guy's a troublemaker.
Here. These are for you.
[Diane] I know some women who,
if their boyfriend gave them
a bag of peanut M&Ms
he just bopped someone on the head with,
would freak out.
But I gotta be honest. It turned me on.
And I was hungry.
So, Jason, Cubs fans
are thrilled to have you in Chicago.
First question. Thin crust or deep dish?
[chuckles] Oh, I gotta go thin crust.
Cut! Ugh!
You gotta say "deep dish," man.
Hey, I want to meet the new rookie.
Oh, hey, buddy. How's it going?
I'm good buddy.
How are you?
I'll catch up with you later. Okay?
Um, yeah, okay.
Cool.
Okay. Let's go again.
Remember, "deep dish."
Sure, right.
[reporter] And can we fly in
some powder? He's shiny.
They say to take a dump right after sex,
so you don't get a UTI.
Don't you mean pee?
I do both just to be safe.
- [clack]
- Ow!
Holy shit!
[ominous music playing]
Looks like you got a little lost.
Burch! What are these scratchers?
It's a little side project.
I get the overseas shipments
and then I sell them to stores
at a discount.
Well, don't just stand there,
grab me a nickel!
Let's get scratchin'!
No, Diane. None of these are winners.
That's the whole thing.
Really? Oh.
I I don't know, Burch.
I'm trying not to get
involved with any more scams
ever since those Amway psychos
blew up my car.
Relax, it's a victimless crime.
Burch. This feels kind of shady.
I was saving this for later,
but, uh what the hell.
[gasps]
Diane, I want you to be my lady 24/7.
Move in with me.
The Forever Bears
Diamond Infinity pendant.
You went to Jared.
I did.
Jared Bagowski.
The unofficial jeweler
of the Chicago Bears.
So, what do you say, Diane?
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
Bet you didn't know you could
sub your eggs for another ham steak.
So, when do you think
you're gonna be moving in?
Well, here's the thing, Burch.
I'm a little worried
about my nephew Daniel.
I don't know if I can just leave him.
Pfft. Screw him.
Excuse me?
I-I didn't mean it like that.
I'm just saying, you'll be happier in life
when you stop worrying about other people.
And he's like a kid, he'll be fine.
You gotta look out for number one.
You deserve it.
Okay, anything else?
No, thanks, toots.
This is for you.
Oh, wow. A scratcher ticket?
Maybe I can pay my rent this month.
Anyhoo, I know you got work.
I'm gonna go say hi to Mikey.
Who the fuck's Mikey?!
Relax! He's my son, remember?
Oh, right. Okay.
I'll see you at the art thing tonight.
And look hot.
There's my boy.
Ma!
Hey, Mikey! How's your dad doing?
Ah, not good.
He scream-cried himself
to sleep last night.
Well, that might be
because I've been seeing his boss.
Yeah, that's specifically
what he was screaming about.
And how do you feel about that?
Well, you know, I love you
and I just want you to be with a good guy.
[Burch] Hey, numb nuts.
This is Director Worsley.
Hey, speak of the devil.
- [beep]
- Yes, sir.
[Burch] Listen, you dope.
Were you handling a shipment
from Chechnya?
Yes, sir, uh, about 20 minutes ago.
I put it in Hangar 6.
[Burch] They were supposed
to go directly to my office!
Wake up, dumbass!
Uh, sorry about that, sir.
Hey, do you want to say hi?
I'll talk to him later. Love you.
[Burch] Well, fix it, you shit-for-brains!
I need to talk to you.
What the hell was that yesterday?
You totally blew me off.
I'm sorry, but I-I was busy
and that reporter was really grilling me.
Jason, are you in the closet?
What? No. I've been out for years.
I just don't want the stress
of a public relationship.
I want my baseball
to be the thing people talk about,
not who I'm dating.
Well, I want someone
who I can hold hands with,
not just inside his apartment
while watching Bridgerton,
but outside at, like, a Bridgerton
viewing party or something.
[sighs] Daniel
This is what ended my last relationship.
All the attention.
And that was in the minor leagues.
I'm a Chicago Cub now.
I'm sorry, I just
I want to keep things the way they are.
Well I don't want to be
somebody's dirty little secret!
Okay, fine!
I'm sorry you can't handle this.
I can handle it fine.
You're the one with the problem!
Goodbye.
We're going in the same direction,
aren't we?
Can I go first? I'm late for practice.
Fine!
- [high-pitched beeping]
- I told you I have two fake knees.
Ma'am, that may be true, but I still
gotta wand you for weapons.
- Ah! Fucking chickens!
- Kurt.
Oh. What are you doing here?
- [beeping]
- You gonna tell me you're getting hitched?
No, but Burch did ask me to move in.
Oh, God. No!
Ah, I'm gonna toss my cookies!
[Kurt vomiting]
You weren't lying. Those are all cookies.
You did this to me, Diane!
- Kurt, listen!
- [Kurt retches]
I need your help.
[big band music playing]
Even though she looks like a zebra,
trust me, this one's all cougar.
[all laughing]
He said in the car he liked it.
Hey, sweetie.
Be a doll and go grab me
another Jack and Coke.
- Easy on the Coke.
- [Diane chuckles nervously]
[Stewart] Diane!
Stewart! What are you doing here?
I do a lot of work with Hands Make Plans.
They're a great organization.
Those are on me.
Thanks for these.
My pleasure.
Your dress is really pretty, by the way.
["Dancing On My Own" by Robyn playing]
- [Daniel sobbing]
- I'm giving it my all ♪
But I'm not the girl
You're taking home ♪
- Ooh ♪
- [sobbing]
I keep dancing on my own ♪
Daniel! Daniel!
[tapping on window]
- [glass shatters]
- [screams]
Sorry, I didn't mean to break it!
What the hell are you doing?
I thought you were afraid of heights.
I'm terrified!
Here, I brought you something.
Robyn at Wrigley Field.
Daniel, I don't want to throw away
what we have because of my baggage.
I like you and I don't care who knows.
Hey, everybody! Up here!
I am into this guy, and I fucked up
and I'm really hoping
he'll give me another chance.
Give him another chance!
Where's the Taco Bell?
They tore it down.
So, what do you say, Daniel?
Well, I don't know.
Please answer so I can get down.
Yes. Yes, yes!
- Yes!
- Whoa!
[both screaming]
[loud thud]
[groans]
Spuds broke my fall.
Thank you Spuds.
So, every time one of these brave children
paints their own hand,
they get one step closer to
their plans.
I guess.
Anyway, here to welcome us to Terminal 2,
the Mayor of Midway, Burch Worsley.
[applause]
Hey, what are you doing?
I'll just be a sec, sweetie.
Sorry, Mr. Lieutenant Governor,
but I'd like to say a few words
real quick about Burch Worsley.
[applause]
We've only been datin' for a few weeks,
but he has swept me off my feet.
Don't even get me started
about how he is in the sack.
Beast!
- [audience gasp]
- Uh!
And he is so generous.
He always tips everyone
with these lotto scratchers.
I love watching him make people's day
by giving them a chance
to be a big winner.
But then I realized something.
Burch Worsley
is just like these scratchers.
A total fraud.
- [audience muttering]
- Okay, toots. That's enough.
I said, "A total fraud!"
Jesus Christ, Kurt, that's your cue!
[man] Oh!
- Ugh, goddammit!
- [clamoring]
Go ahead and scratch them.
Not a winner in the house!
Burch Worsley, you are under arrest
for the forging of state lotto tickets.
You're not allowed to say that.
Burch Worsley, you're under arrest
for the forging of state lotto tickets.
Where the hell'd you get those?
- Hangar 5.
- Hangar 6.
Hangar 6.
Asshole.
You did me dirty, Diane.
We did each other dirty, Burch.
Thanks for the help, Di.
A bust this big will for sure
get me off chicken duty.
All I heard was "bust this big"
and "get me off."
[laughing]
Not so fast, bow tie. Keep it pouring.
Sorry things didn't work out
between you and Burch.
Ah, it's okay.
There's plenty of other steers
on the prairie.
Well, if you want to give
a nice guy a shot,
you know where to find me.
Huh.
["Then He Kissed Me"
by The Crystals playing]
Well, he walked up to me
And he asked me if I wanted to dance ♪
He looked kinda nice
And so I said I might take a chance ♪
Then he asked me to be his bride ♪
And always be right by his side ♪
I felt so happy I almost cried
And then he kissed me ♪
And then he kissed me ♪
And then he kissed me ♪