Childrens Hospital (2010) s02e03 Episode Script
I Am Not Afraid of Any Ghost
Narrator: Previously on "Childrens Hospital" Glenn: Two things number one, I get hard when a woman cries.
Number two, your daughter will never walk again.
Oh, my God.
Cat: Lola's dead.
Chief: I hear her ghost still haunts the old haunted locker room.
Owen: Aaaaaah! Lola: Is it really so crazy that I faked my own death because I had too many e-mails? - We lost her.
- Owen: Listen, don't you blame yourself.
- Blake: Well, I don't blame myself.
- Owen: Don't.
Blake: I don't.
I'm serious.
Owen: Don't you do that.
Blake: Hey, does it look like I was blaming myself, because I didn't want I shouldn't have given that impression.
Owen: This is not on you.
Blake: I'm not blaming myself! Relax! It wasn't my fault at all.
If anything, it was Beth's fault.
Sitting there the whole time, like, "Uh! I'm not a doctor! What do I do?" Sal: Attention, staff I was working in the lab late one Owen: Hey! Come on! My monster, from his slab, began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise, he did the mash.
He did the monster mash.
- The monster mash.
- Aaah! - Aaaah.
It was a graveyard smash.
That is all.
Valerie: Happy Halloween.
But then again, what's so happy about it? For some, it's all about dead people.
Lola: Owen.
Owen: Aaaaah! Go away, ghost Lola, before I call Bill Murray to bust you or the black guy whose name I can't remember.
Gaaah! Lola: I'm not dead.
- No one believes me.
And it's Ernie Hudson.
- Owen: They don't call you "Lola" in heaven? Lola: No, the black guy from "Ghostbusters" his name is Ernie Hudson.
Owen: If you're not dead, then prove it.
Lola: No, I am not peeing on you again.
Owen: Either way, I'm gonna find a way to bone you.
Lola: You want to bone me even though I'm not alive? Owen: You are a ghost! I knew it! Gaaaah! Hey, Dr.
Maestro.
Owen: Lola's a ghost! Look, I know it's a children's hospital, but it's Halloween, and the real hospital is packed.
Okay, what do you got? Okay, a sorority party bus flipped over, so I got a sexy French maid, sexy schoolgirl, sexy cop, sexy Alice in wonderland, sexy nurse, sexy stripper, Chewbacca, sexy hot dog, sexy homeless person, and a sexy section of drywall.
Okay, "drywall.
" Got it.
Sexy handicapped doctor.
I'd like to show her my sexy costume.
- Ew.
- Wh Oh.
No, I just really want to show her my sexy costume.
Not kill her.
[ Laughs .]
Whatever.
Owen: I really want to have sex with Lola, but she's a ghost, so the only way for me to do that is to cross over to the spirit realm and find her.
You got to flatline me.
Valerie: Owen, this isn't gonna work.
It's not the movies.
Owen: Hurry up and kill me, flame, before I change my mind.
Valerie: How do I know when to shock you back to life? Owen: You got a cellphone? Let's set an alarm.
Valerie: All right.
Owen: 10 minutes.
That'll give me more than enough time to find her and make love to her several times.
I'm fast.
But I reset quickly it's one of my things.
Valerie: Great.
Owen: One more thing.
When I'm under, no peeking at my wiener, okay? [ Defibrillator charges up .]
If you do peek, I'll tell you, it's intense, so don't look directly into its ey Aaah! [ Flatline .]
Am I dead? Did I flatline? Sal: Attention, staff At 4:00 P.
M.
, we will all gather *** to listen to President Roosevelt's update on the war.
Everyone is welcome, except Japs.
Owen: Roosevelt? Japs? I didn't die.
I time-traveled to 1987.
Lola hasn't even been born yet.
I can show these people modern medicine and get totally laid.
Excuse me, black-and-white lady shh! It's mulatto, and no one's supposed to know that.
If they find out I have a white mother, they'll kick me out of nursing school.
Owen: Excuse mei' doctor.
Owen: Okay.
We need to get on the Internet.
Do you have a laptop? Yes.
When I sit down.
[ Thunder crashes .]
[ Monitor beeping .]
Valerie: Nothing! Aaah! Please don't hurt me! Wait, what are you doing here? Owen's looking for you in the spirit world.
Lola: I'm not a ghost! Valerie: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
Lola: How? Valerie: Drink this water, and we'll see if it goes right through you.
Lola: Done.
Valerie: Ha! See? I told you! You're a ghost! Lola: No, I'm not a ghost.
I just have a really tiny bladder.
Valerie: All right.
Well, totally unrelated to the ghost thing, drink the rest while your dummy sings "Camptown races.
" Lola: All right.
[ Gurgling melodically .]
Look at me, chief.
You'll see me in my sexy costume.
Yes, you will.
[ Telephone rings .]
Blake: Childrens.
Have you checked the children? Blake: It's him again! Chief: Aah! Blake: Trace the call! Come on! Well, that's gonna take about 30 to 45 seconds to figure out if we've checked those children.
Chief: Got it! It's coming from inside the hospital the maternity ward! Blake: [ gasps .]
Wait, is this Max? Yeah, man.
Have you checked the children 'cause I've been up here for an hour, and nobody's been by to check them.
Blake: Yeah, I'll send the chief up.
All right.
Your cold sounds terrible, by the way.
Chief: I'm coming, children! What the? This isn't the maternity ward.
Max! Hello?! Anyone here?! It's me chief! Aaah! Aaah! Aaaaaaah! [ Screaming .]
Murderer! [ Grunts .]
Oh! My balls! [ Grunting .]
Aah! Bedpans! [ Panting .]
Waaah! Aah! Ugh! Ugh! [ Snapping .]
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hundreds of mousetraps! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ooh! [ Monitor beeping .]
I just gave you a shot of this new drug penicillin.
It should calm you down.
Or not.
W-we don't know.
It might grow hair.
Owen: Listen to me I'm not crazy.
I'm from the future, and we don't have much time.
Together, we can save millions of lives.
Look, this proves it a cellphone from the future! Oh, it just vibrated! Owen: Oh, no.
That means I'm out of time.
I have an appointment.
With the future.
Well, I am off to buy a hot dog in the late edition for a nickel.
Take me now! I want to know how they make whoopee in the future, spaceman! Spaceman? Ok, but hold on just a second.
I'm gonna write myself some stock tips so I can get rich in the future.
Microsoft, Cisco, e-trade.
Sal: Attention, hospital staff the food in the cafeteria is made of people.
It's made of people.
That is all.
Chief: [ laughs .]
Okay.
Here we go.
[ Panting .]
Aaaah! Aaah! What? Out of my way, drywall! Aah! Oh, God.
[ Grunts .]
[ Panting .]
Oh, geez Louise.
Aah! Oh! Whoo! Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Glenn: Okay, all right, everybody, we've come to a decision on the costume contest.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Blake: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
And the winner is a three-way tie between the sexy French maid, sexy schoolgirl, and little Ernie Hudson.
Chief: Got to get away from him! And, of course, the only fair way to settle this the stripper pole! Glenn: Yeah, you wait! Chief: Got to get away! Oh, God! Got to get away from him! [ Panting .]
I know! I'll shimmy up that pole! Glenn: No! No, wait! Chief! The pole isn't secure! [ All groan .]
[ Gasps .]
Chief: No! Aaaah! I'm sorry I tormented you as a teen! Oh, no! No! Chief, it's me, Chet.
Yeah, I wanted to show you my sexy costume.
Chief: Oh, my gosh.
Thank God! Wait a minute, Chet.
This is your costume? I don't think it's very sexy.
No, no.
This is my scary costume.
Chief: Oh.
This Is my sexy costume.
Blake: Oh, that's nice.
Glenn: Oh! Folks, we have a winner.
Sexy snake charmer! [ Cheers and applause .]
Chief: Boo! Come over here! Owen: Apple, Google, Amazon, eBay.
Okay.
Let's do this.
[ Both smooching .]
[ Defibrillator charges up .]
[ Grunts .]
That was quick.
Valerie: Come back! Come on! I'll get naked! Owen: Aaaaah! Stop zapping me! Aah! Oh, that hurts! Oh! Valerie: Did you find Lola on the other side? Owen: I didn't go to the other side.
I went back in time.
[ Gasps .]
The stock tips! Microsoft, Cisco, eBay.
Oh, wait.
Lola: Owen.
Owen: Aah! Ghost Lola! Lola: I am not a ghost, okay?! I didn't die! Owen: But that day, the surgery I saw you! [ Flatline .]
Lola: [ imitating flatline .]
[ Inhales .]
[ Continues flatline .]
I'm just a gifted ventriloquist.
Owen: Wait, my phone.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I left my phone in the 1980s.
Do you know at this means? Can it beYou? I waitedSo long! Owen: It hasn't been very long for me.
It's been like a minute oh! [ Muffled .]
Okay.
Whoa.
But Mmm! You taste like vitamins.
Lola: That's actually kind of hot.
Valerie: Wait till she sees his wiener.
⪠It's now the mash ⪠⪠it's now the monster mash ⪠⪠the monster mash ⪠⪠and it's a graveyard smash ⪠⪠it's now the mash ⪠⪠it's caught on in a flash ⪠⪠it's now the mash ⪠⪠it's now the monster mash ⪠Chief, I have so many things I want to show you.
Chief: Like what? Just, like, all this stuff.
Chief: Oh.
Wow.
Yeah.
'Cause I-I decorated it myself, and I'm pretty proud of it.
Chief: You have flair, mister.
I-I guess so.
Chief: Yeah.
Is that you? That is as a baby.
Chief: Cute, little baby boy in his bath.
That's probably like 1 year old, maybe a little older.
Chief: Yeah.
It's nice.
Great.
Well, thanks for showing me your basement.
Thanks for coming by.
Chief: I'm coming over here if there's a tornado, okay? Definitely.
We can hang out.
Chief: All righty.
Let's get back in the hospital.
Good to see you.
Chief: See you, Chet! All right.
Enjoy your weekend.
Number two, your daughter will never walk again.
Oh, my God.
Cat: Lola's dead.
Chief: I hear her ghost still haunts the old haunted locker room.
Owen: Aaaaaah! Lola: Is it really so crazy that I faked my own death because I had too many e-mails? - We lost her.
- Owen: Listen, don't you blame yourself.
- Blake: Well, I don't blame myself.
- Owen: Don't.
Blake: I don't.
I'm serious.
Owen: Don't you do that.
Blake: Hey, does it look like I was blaming myself, because I didn't want I shouldn't have given that impression.
Owen: This is not on you.
Blake: I'm not blaming myself! Relax! It wasn't my fault at all.
If anything, it was Beth's fault.
Sitting there the whole time, like, "Uh! I'm not a doctor! What do I do?" Sal: Attention, staff I was working in the lab late one Owen: Hey! Come on! My monster, from his slab, began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise, he did the mash.
He did the monster mash.
- The monster mash.
- Aaah! - Aaaah.
It was a graveyard smash.
That is all.
Valerie: Happy Halloween.
But then again, what's so happy about it? For some, it's all about dead people.
Lola: Owen.
Owen: Aaaaah! Go away, ghost Lola, before I call Bill Murray to bust you or the black guy whose name I can't remember.
Gaaah! Lola: I'm not dead.
- No one believes me.
And it's Ernie Hudson.
- Owen: They don't call you "Lola" in heaven? Lola: No, the black guy from "Ghostbusters" his name is Ernie Hudson.
Owen: If you're not dead, then prove it.
Lola: No, I am not peeing on you again.
Owen: Either way, I'm gonna find a way to bone you.
Lola: You want to bone me even though I'm not alive? Owen: You are a ghost! I knew it! Gaaaah! Hey, Dr.
Maestro.
Owen: Lola's a ghost! Look, I know it's a children's hospital, but it's Halloween, and the real hospital is packed.
Okay, what do you got? Okay, a sorority party bus flipped over, so I got a sexy French maid, sexy schoolgirl, sexy cop, sexy Alice in wonderland, sexy nurse, sexy stripper, Chewbacca, sexy hot dog, sexy homeless person, and a sexy section of drywall.
Okay, "drywall.
" Got it.
Sexy handicapped doctor.
I'd like to show her my sexy costume.
- Ew.
- Wh Oh.
No, I just really want to show her my sexy costume.
Not kill her.
[ Laughs .]
Whatever.
Owen: I really want to have sex with Lola, but she's a ghost, so the only way for me to do that is to cross over to the spirit realm and find her.
You got to flatline me.
Valerie: Owen, this isn't gonna work.
It's not the movies.
Owen: Hurry up and kill me, flame, before I change my mind.
Valerie: How do I know when to shock you back to life? Owen: You got a cellphone? Let's set an alarm.
Valerie: All right.
Owen: 10 minutes.
That'll give me more than enough time to find her and make love to her several times.
I'm fast.
But I reset quickly it's one of my things.
Valerie: Great.
Owen: One more thing.
When I'm under, no peeking at my wiener, okay? [ Defibrillator charges up .]
If you do peek, I'll tell you, it's intense, so don't look directly into its ey Aaah! [ Flatline .]
Am I dead? Did I flatline? Sal: Attention, staff At 4:00 P.
M.
, we will all gather *** to listen to President Roosevelt's update on the war.
Everyone is welcome, except Japs.
Owen: Roosevelt? Japs? I didn't die.
I time-traveled to 1987.
Lola hasn't even been born yet.
I can show these people modern medicine and get totally laid.
Excuse me, black-and-white lady shh! It's mulatto, and no one's supposed to know that.
If they find out I have a white mother, they'll kick me out of nursing school.
Owen: Excuse mei' doctor.
Owen: Okay.
We need to get on the Internet.
Do you have a laptop? Yes.
When I sit down.
[ Thunder crashes .]
[ Monitor beeping .]
Valerie: Nothing! Aaah! Please don't hurt me! Wait, what are you doing here? Owen's looking for you in the spirit world.
Lola: I'm not a ghost! Valerie: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
Lola: How? Valerie: Drink this water, and we'll see if it goes right through you.
Lola: Done.
Valerie: Ha! See? I told you! You're a ghost! Lola: No, I'm not a ghost.
I just have a really tiny bladder.
Valerie: All right.
Well, totally unrelated to the ghost thing, drink the rest while your dummy sings "Camptown races.
" Lola: All right.
[ Gurgling melodically .]
Look at me, chief.
You'll see me in my sexy costume.
Yes, you will.
[ Telephone rings .]
Blake: Childrens.
Have you checked the children? Blake: It's him again! Chief: Aah! Blake: Trace the call! Come on! Well, that's gonna take about 30 to 45 seconds to figure out if we've checked those children.
Chief: Got it! It's coming from inside the hospital the maternity ward! Blake: [ gasps .]
Wait, is this Max? Yeah, man.
Have you checked the children 'cause I've been up here for an hour, and nobody's been by to check them.
Blake: Yeah, I'll send the chief up.
All right.
Your cold sounds terrible, by the way.
Chief: I'm coming, children! What the? This isn't the maternity ward.
Max! Hello?! Anyone here?! It's me chief! Aaah! Aaah! Aaaaaaah! [ Screaming .]
Murderer! [ Grunts .]
Oh! My balls! [ Grunting .]
Aah! Bedpans! [ Panting .]
Waaah! Aah! Ugh! Ugh! [ Snapping .]
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hundreds of mousetraps! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ooh! [ Monitor beeping .]
I just gave you a shot of this new drug penicillin.
It should calm you down.
Or not.
W-we don't know.
It might grow hair.
Owen: Listen to me I'm not crazy.
I'm from the future, and we don't have much time.
Together, we can save millions of lives.
Look, this proves it a cellphone from the future! Oh, it just vibrated! Owen: Oh, no.
That means I'm out of time.
I have an appointment.
With the future.
Well, I am off to buy a hot dog in the late edition for a nickel.
Take me now! I want to know how they make whoopee in the future, spaceman! Spaceman? Ok, but hold on just a second.
I'm gonna write myself some stock tips so I can get rich in the future.
Microsoft, Cisco, e-trade.
Sal: Attention, hospital staff the food in the cafeteria is made of people.
It's made of people.
That is all.
Chief: [ laughs .]
Okay.
Here we go.
[ Panting .]
Aaaah! Aaah! What? Out of my way, drywall! Aah! Oh, God.
[ Grunts .]
[ Panting .]
Oh, geez Louise.
Aah! Oh! Whoo! Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Glenn: Okay, all right, everybody, we've come to a decision on the costume contest.
[ Cheers and applause .]
Blake: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
And the winner is a three-way tie between the sexy French maid, sexy schoolgirl, and little Ernie Hudson.
Chief: Got to get away from him! And, of course, the only fair way to settle this the stripper pole! Glenn: Yeah, you wait! Chief: Got to get away! Oh, God! Got to get away from him! [ Panting .]
I know! I'll shimmy up that pole! Glenn: No! No, wait! Chief! The pole isn't secure! [ All groan .]
[ Gasps .]
Chief: No! Aaaah! I'm sorry I tormented you as a teen! Oh, no! No! Chief, it's me, Chet.
Yeah, I wanted to show you my sexy costume.
Chief: Oh, my gosh.
Thank God! Wait a minute, Chet.
This is your costume? I don't think it's very sexy.
No, no.
This is my scary costume.
Chief: Oh.
This Is my sexy costume.
Blake: Oh, that's nice.
Glenn: Oh! Folks, we have a winner.
Sexy snake charmer! [ Cheers and applause .]
Chief: Boo! Come over here! Owen: Apple, Google, Amazon, eBay.
Okay.
Let's do this.
[ Both smooching .]
[ Defibrillator charges up .]
[ Grunts .]
That was quick.
Valerie: Come back! Come on! I'll get naked! Owen: Aaaaah! Stop zapping me! Aah! Oh, that hurts! Oh! Valerie: Did you find Lola on the other side? Owen: I didn't go to the other side.
I went back in time.
[ Gasps .]
The stock tips! Microsoft, Cisco, eBay.
Oh, wait.
Lola: Owen.
Owen: Aah! Ghost Lola! Lola: I am not a ghost, okay?! I didn't die! Owen: But that day, the surgery I saw you! [ Flatline .]
Lola: [ imitating flatline .]
[ Inhales .]
[ Continues flatline .]
I'm just a gifted ventriloquist.
Owen: Wait, my phone.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I left my phone in the 1980s.
Do you know at this means? Can it beYou? I waitedSo long! Owen: It hasn't been very long for me.
It's been like a minute oh! [ Muffled .]
Okay.
Whoa.
But Mmm! You taste like vitamins.
Lola: That's actually kind of hot.
Valerie: Wait till she sees his wiener.
⪠It's now the mash ⪠⪠it's now the monster mash ⪠⪠the monster mash ⪠⪠and it's a graveyard smash ⪠⪠it's now the mash ⪠⪠it's caught on in a flash ⪠⪠it's now the mash ⪠⪠it's now the monster mash ⪠Chief, I have so many things I want to show you.
Chief: Like what? Just, like, all this stuff.
Chief: Oh.
Wow.
Yeah.
'Cause I-I decorated it myself, and I'm pretty proud of it.
Chief: You have flair, mister.
I-I guess so.
Chief: Yeah.
Is that you? That is as a baby.
Chief: Cute, little baby boy in his bath.
That's probably like 1 year old, maybe a little older.
Chief: Yeah.
It's nice.
Great.
Well, thanks for showing me your basement.
Thanks for coming by.
Chief: I'm coming over here if there's a tornado, okay? Definitely.
We can hang out.
Chief: All righty.
Let's get back in the hospital.
Good to see you.
Chief: See you, Chet! All right.
Enjoy your weekend.