Citizen Khan (2012) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
Community leader.
They all know me You like my suit? Number one - Citizen Khan.
(MR KHAN SNORES LOUDLY) You're snoring! (SNORES EVEN LOUDER) (CONTINUES SNORING) (GASPS) (MRS KHAN SNORES SOFTLY) (RESUMES SNORING) You look smart, Papaji.
Doing something special? Very special.
I'm going to the mobile men's health clinic at the mosque.
What? They're doing the testing for heart disease.
It's very common with us Pakistanis.
Did you know we're in the top three groups most affected? Top three! Good, eh? Is something wrong with you? No, it's not for me.
I'm fit as a fiddler.
They're testing the young peoples, so I'm taking future son-in-law.
- Has Amjad got a heart problem? - No, unfortunately not.
This way, I get my picture in the papers.
Imagine - your father, Mr Khan, on the front page of the Sparkhill Echo.
Headline could be, "Community leader leads community.
" I don't get it.
This project is very high-profile, beti.
Lots of press coverage.
We've got famous Asian Member of Parliament coming down to support it.
Oh, which one? There's only one famous Asian MP, darling.
- Keith Vaz? - No, the other one.
You know, I'm doing this for the whole family.
Imagine what your classmates will say when you tell them.
Yeah, soon I won't just be Alia Khan, I'll be Alia Khan, daughter of a man who is a friend of an MP.
Exactly! I'm so proud of you, Papaji.
Wow.
You're like the son your mother never gave me.
Thanks.
So can I have some money? Of course! Alia, get some normal clothes on.
We're going shopping.
Great, where are we going? TJ's Baby Warehouse.
It's the biggest outlet store in the West Midlands.
What we going there for? - To buy baby clothes.
- What?! We're going to buy baby clothes.
Exciting, isn't it? Exciting?! It's a bloody miracle! Not for me, you idiot.
For Sharmine down the road - she's due next week.
And I might pick up a few things myself.
What? You're not married.
It's impossible for you to have children! For when we are married.
- We'll be having children then.
- God willing.
And God help us! I love babies.
I love them so much.
I really, really love them.
I love their tiny little hands and their tiny little feet and their chubby little cheeks! Oh! She's off again.
No-one loves babies as much as I do.
And Amjad is such a healthy young man.
He'll have no trouble producing lots of babies when the time comes, eh? I'll do my best.
Well, you can drive us.
No! I need Amjad to come with me to the mosque.
Why? Because it's good for us to spend time together.
You're always saying I don't spend enough quality time with him, and you're right.
He's going to be a part of this family, after all.
We are not losing a daughter, we're gaining a son.
And we're going to do the father-and-son bonding stuff, just me and him.
(GAGS) Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.
Thanks, Dad.
All right, don't get carried away, eh? OK, fine.
But just meet us outside the baby shop at one o'clock.
(BABYISH VOICE) And take care of our little baby machine.
Oh, God! Oh, God.
OK Coming through! Excuse me.
Thank you.
Yes, and of course I'm delighted to be showing my support for such a fantastic project.
I'm also very delighted to be supporting this project.
Even more so delighted.
Sorry, and you are? Mr Khan.
Community leader.
They all know me.
Tony Abbas, er Member of Parliament.
I know who you are.
I'm MP, too.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
Muslim Pakistani.
Right.
Well, it's, um lovely, we've had such a strong turnout.
Isn't it? You know, I'm always saying the National Health Service is one of our greatest achievements.
Did you know there are more Pakistani doctors here now than in the whole of Karachi? That's progress, eh? Really? L-I didn't know that.
Oh, yes.
Pakistani doctors do it all - neurologist, cardiologist, gynaecologist - we've got our fingers in lots of pies.
Right.
What about the photos? When are we going to do them? Oh, um, maybe later.
It's just I have a meeting in the mosque.
OK.
Well, maybe we can have a private chat, get a bit of quality time, huh? Me and you have got a lot in common.
(LAUGHS POLITELY) All right, see you later! OK, who's next, please? - Reporting for duty.
- Salaam aleikum.
Ready for testing.
We've just been speaking to the Member of Parliament.
We're going to get our photos taken for the papers later.
Great.
We just need to fill out some paperwork first.
- Of course.
- So, name.
Amjad Malik.
A-M-J - Wait.
- What is it? That's my name.
Yes, because you're the one having the tests.
Oh.
But what about you? Amjad, this isn't about me.
You're the important one.
But I don't think I need a health check, sir.
You're joining the Khan family now, son.
Very healthy men in our family.
Imran Khan, Amir Khan.
Chaka Khan.
It is a 15-year project, so you will have to agree to be tested - for all that time.
- Yes, he does, don't you? Put yes.
- Hold on.
- Date of birth? 8.
12.
89.
And sex? I suppose.
Eventually.
(GAGS) Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
Hello, Dave.
What the hell are you doing here? I thought I'd come along and help out.
Well, keep your hands off the MP, I've already bagsied him.
Actually, Mr Khan, heart disease is a real issue in the Asian community.
We need to do everything we can to fight it.
Yes.
I don't know whether you've noticed, Dave, but you're not part of the Asian community.
Look at me.
Face brown, hair black.
That's an Asian.
Look at you.
Face white, hair ginger.
That's a ginger.
I see only human beings, Mr Khan, I'm completely colour-blind.
Well, you'd have to be to put up with that hair.
Well done, Amjad.
You're doing a good thing here.
You know, heart disease is the number one cause of death amongst middle-aged Pakistani men.
- Is it? - Oh, yes.
It's your genes, apparently.
What about you lot, do you get it? It's not as bad for us.
Well, I suppose there has to be some advantages, eh? How can they tell if I've got heart disease? They give you a cholesterol test, that's one of the markers.
But they'll also tell you the heart attack symptoms to look out for - shortness of breath, dizziness, sharp pain down the left side.
All right, keep it light.
We don't want to frighten him, do we? Two of my cousins had it.
They found out because they had the high cholesterol.
- See? - What happened to them? They all died.
- What? - Yep.
Just like that.
One minute, walking around eating salad.
Next minute, gone.
What about you, have you got it? No.
I keep in good shape.
OK, Mr Malik.
Amjad? Amjad! Amjad! Amjad! Are you in here? I know you're in here.
Come on, out.
It won't take long.
It'll be over in a jiffy.
Are you afraid? Is that it? Don't be afraid.
It'll be all right.
I'll be with you the whole time.
Open the bloody door! I want to get my picture in the paper.
Oh, God (SPLASHING) Ohhh! Now look what you've made me do! It won't hurt.
I can hold your hand if you like.
Oh, hello.
Fancy meeting you here.
Go away! I can't.
I'm stuck.
Hello, sir.
Amjad, don't just stand there.
Help me.
The lock's jammed.
Well, climb over, you idiot! That's dangerous! Amjad! I dragged myself 10,000 miles to this country.
And you can't even climb over a toilet cubicle?! (HE STRAINS) Oh, no! - What is it? - Shazia! Oooh! (HE INHALES SHARPLY) Ay-ee! Ooh! I think I think I heard something go pop.
Well, just try to hold onto it all until we see the doctor.
What if I can't have children? What am I going to tell Shazia? Nothing.
There's no problem, it's all fine.
I've already been worried about it, to be honest.
My cousin's been trying for ages to have children.
I think infertility might run in the family.
And I've had the mumps.
You know what that means.
No.
Well, you get really hot, and then they start to swell up.
- What? - You know! Mine were the size of pomegranates.
They're better now.
Pomegranates are great.
The rind stops you getting the runs.
That's true, but I find the seeds always get stuck in your teeth.
Right, I'll just explain what happened and see if I can get us an appointment.
Hang on, Dave, I'll deal with this.
We don't want the world and his auntie knowing our private business.
Next, please.
Hello, yes, we are next.
- Name? - Mr Khan.
K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.
You don't have an appointment today.
No.
But we need to see the doctor urgently on a bit of a (WHISPERS) delicate matter.
- What's it regarding? - I just told you, a delicate matter.
Can you be more specific? No.
They do need to have some idea, Mr Khan.
Dave, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this.
But I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
They all know me.
If this gets out, and Mrs Khan hears about it, I'll need mine sewing back on, never mind Amjad's! Honestly, Mr Khan, it's fine.
This is a doctor's surgery, they have very strict privacy rules.
Anything you say in here will be treated with the utmost confidence.
Brilliant! Right OK, it's a bit of an urgent matter concerning the general region of the dingly-danglies.
I see.
And is the appointment for yourself? (HIGH-PITCHED) Of course not! Do I look like I've got a problem with my dingly-danglies?! No! I'm as fit as a halal butcher's dog, don't worry about me.
It's for him.
(MEEKLY) Salaam aleikum.
Right.
Well, the first available appointment is next Monday at 10.
Well, that's no good.
We need to see someone now.
I'm sorry, we're fully booked.
But it's an emergency.
Look at him, he's beside himself.
If he doesn't see a doctor today, anything could happen.
I might do something stupid.
If you could let us see a doctor, we would be very grateful.
OK, fine, I'll see what I can do.
There you are, very good.
And make sure it's with a Pakistani doctor, eh? We don't want one of those dodgy foreign ones, you know.
Dr Patel could squeeze you in.
Patel? He's a bloody Indian! Dr Patel is an excellent doctor.
No bloody way! Who else have you got? Dr Gupta? Indian.
- Dr Prakash.
- Indian! - Dr Man? - Oh, he sounds OK, what's he like? That's him over there.
No, thank you! - Well, that just leaves Dr Lowry.
- And is Dr Lowry Dr Lowry is white.
Right, that'll do.
Right, well, take a seat and wait to be called.
Thank you.
Salaam aleikum.
(COUGHING) Oh, cor blimey.
- (VIOLENT COUGHING) - What? Oi! All right? What are you in for? Picking up free paracetamols? NHS is great, eh? Oh, free transport as well! I don't think they've got a cure for gingeritis, mate.
Hey! Do you know Dave? Cheer up.
It's not that bad.
Yes.
I suppose there's lots of couples who don't have children, and they're happy, aren't they? Most of them.
(SIGHS) Look, Amjad.
Who knows what the future holds? We're all in God's hands, and the important thing is that you and Shazia love each other.
And together, you can get through anything.
And anyway, you've got another one.
(BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE) Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
Oh, hello, sweetie, darling.
Are you having a nice time? Haan, we're ready.
Come and get us.
Tell him to hurry up.
I can't wait to show these to Amjad.
Sweetie, maybe don't buy any baby clothes just yet, eh? Too late.
OK, just hold on to the receipts, huh? You never know, they may decide not to have children for some reason.
What are you talking about? Where are you? The doctor's.
The doctor's?! - Has something happened to Amjad? - It's fine.
It's nothing to worry about.
It's all right, Mrs Khan, I've got another one.
Shut up! Mr Khan, the doctor's ready for you.
Yes, I know, sweetie.
But (GARGLES) I'm losing you.
I've got no signal.
I can't hear you.
(IMITATES INTERFERENCE) OK, bye! I'm really worried, sir.
Amjad, it will be fine.
You'll see the doctor, he'll be very understanding, he'll check you out and he'll tell you everything's tickety boo.
Right.
What can I do for you? I'm sorry, my dear, we're here to see Dr Lowry.
I'm Dr Lowry.
Crikey.
She's a woman.
I can see that.
- Would you prefer to see a male doctor? - Yes.
- No! - But, sir Chillax, Amjad.
We need to get this sorted.
So she's a woman, so what? Womens are perfectly able at being almost as good doctors as mens.
There's no reason to be embarrassed.
So, what seems to be the problem? Amjad? I The (AMJAD CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) He's getting married, you see.
And he wants to have lots of children.
And at first, well, he had the mumps.
And then his, er swelled right up.
They were the size of pomegranates.
They're better now.
And then he sat on one of them.
It was an accident.
I see.
So, what do you think? Well, I think we should have a little look.
Why don't you go behind the screen and pop your trousers off? - What? - Hang on a minute! Is that strictly necessary? Well, I will need to examine him.
Well, can't you tell from there? Not really.
Don't worry, I have examined lots of men before.
I'm sure you have.
But we are Pakistani.
We are different.
I don't think you are.
This is cultural, you see.
As a Pakistani Muslim man, I cannot be seen naked by any woman.
Oh, really? What about your wife? I'm working on that one.
Well, in that case, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to book an appointment to see one of my male colleagues.
- OK.
- No! We need to know now.
Well, in that case, I will have to examine his testicles.
Mrs Dr Lowry! He's not even married yet.
I don't know what to suggest.
Right.
I'll do it.
- What? - What?! Yes.
It's fine, just get behind the screen and I'll check for you.
I'm not really comfortable, sir.
Just think of something else.
- Like what? - I don't know, anything.
- Shazia! - Absolutely not! Right, come on.
Undo your - OK.
- Oh, God.
Right.
Here goes.
Is there any sign of contusion or bleeding? - No.
- Any swelling or any other abnormalities? No.
Are you sure? - No.
- Why not? I've got my eyes shut! Just lightly palpate each one.
What?! Just gently feel them to see if they're tender.
You're joking? No, it's important.
Right.
OK.
Oh, my God! It's terrible! They're completely flattened! That's my wallet.
Oh, yes.
Please be careful, sir.
Shut up, Amjad! Swing low Sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello, Amjad's phone? Oh, hello, Mrs Malik.
It's your mother.
Yes, we are in the doctor's.
No, I've got my hands full at the moment.
Look, this really isn't working, I do need to see this for myself.
Right, I'm going to go, Mrs Malik.
- Goodbye.
- Why don't I just - come back there and have a look? - No! Hang on.
I've got an idea.
Right.
Hold still.
(CAMERAPHONE SHUTTER CLICKS) There you go.
Everything all right? - It all looks normal.
- See? I told you.
Are you sure? Can I still have children? Well, you will need a proper medical exam.
Of course, the only way to be really sure is for us to get a sample and then test the output.
Right, now you've gone too far! I think we can leave Amjad to do that on his own.
Thank God.
There you go.
And don't worry, you don't have to fill it.
(CHUCKLES) Fill it! (LAUGHS) Fill it! I get it.
- Oh, God.
- What's going on? Hello, darling.
- What's happened to Amjad? - Nothing.
So what's he doing here then? Something came up when we were doing the bonding.
What is it? Is it serious? They just need to investigate.
- Investigate what? - Well, you know, this and that.
This will be absolutely fine but thatmight need a bit of attention.
What are you talking about? Right.
OK.
You know in the cricket, and you have balls, and sometimes you have fast balls, slow balls, white balls.
Red balls.
And even wide balls.
Well, sometimes you can end up with no ball.
And if it's a no ball, it's no good because it won't count.
Do you see? So, his testicle has been repaired? Oh, my God! - Amjad! - No! - Get out of the way.
- No, you can't go in there.
Why not? He needs my help.
I don't think so.
(AMJAD MOANS) Oh, my God.
He's in pain! I can't get the lid off.
What happened to you? Mr Khan took me to the mobile clinic to get a health survey.
- You see? - And then he was trying to crawl under the toilet cubicle with a Member of Parliament.
Eh?! And then I hurt my down-belows trying to get him out.
Hai, hai! And now I have to give a sample to see if I can still have children.
- Hai, hai, hai! - Hai, hai, hai! Oh, my God, Amjad! What have you done to my baby? - What have you done to him? - Ow, stop it! I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Can we go home, please? OK, but I need to fill my pot first.
Amjad! Dad! How could you let this happen? The shame of it, how could you do this to us? If you've damaged him, I'll never forgive you.
- Ow, my arm! - Don't try and change the subject! - This is all your fault! - It is not my fault! Hang on, I think there's something really wrong.
Shortness of breath? Rushing sound in the ears? Stabbing pains down your left side? Oh, my goodness! - What is it? - Heart attack! We did it in biology and that.
What?! Oh, my God, somebody do something! What about Amjad? Forget about Amjad.
Call an ambulance! My husband is having a heart attack.
Are you there, my darling? Oh, I'm here.
I'm sorry about Amjad's testicles.
Don't speak now, save your strength.
The ambulance will be here very soon, just try and rest, OK? My family is here.
That's all I need.
My beautiful wife, my wonderful daughter Alia and Shazia, you're here too.
Alia, reach into my pocket.
You'll find a piece of paper there.
I always carry it with me just in case.
It has some things written down on there.
- No! - Dad, stop it.
It's a list of the best pound shops in Birmingham.
Alia, take it, with my blessing.
I see a dark tunnel! I can see a light at the end of it! Go towards the light! No, no! Don't go towards the light.
Oh, yes, don't go towards the light.
Quickly, everybody get out of the way.
He's having a heart attack, please help him.
Mind his legs, pick up his legs! Do it properly! There we go.
Point me towards Mecca! Mind my hat! I can't meet God without my hat.
You see, my darling, the best health service in the world.
Only in Britain can you get this.
I'm proud to be dying on NHS premises.
- I don't think he has had a heart attack.
- ALL: What?! Well, his pulse is very strong and his breathing is normal.
What are you talking about? I'm in agony! Come on, give me the paddles! There's really no need.
What about the shortness of breath, the rushing sound in his ear? It's probably just a panic attack.
But the stabbing pain in his left side, that's a heart attack.
He does seem to have some bruising along the left side of his chest.
How could that have happened? Well, I don't know, do I? What?! I mean, how should I know? - It's got nothing to do with me.
- OK.
Has he had a fall or a collision of some kind, have you been aware of anything like that? I've been poking you in the ribs with a cricket bat every night.
What?! Why? To stop you snoring! Rubbish.
I don't snore.
You keep the whole house awake! It's like lying next to a freight train.
So, you're saying Your husband is absolutely fine.
What the hell is wrong with you? (THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER) (HE GASPS) Aaaaaargh! I'm glad Amjad's OK.
Oh, me too.
They'll make good parents, I think.
Don't you? Haan.
And we'll make good grandparents.
Won't it be wonderful? You and me, sitting on our patio, with little Shazias and Amjads playing around our feet.
Yes.
Wonderful.
Lucky for them you're still in the land of the living.
And lucky for me too.
Hmm? Good night.
Good night, sweetie.
(HE SNORES) (HE SNORTS AND SNORES LOUDLY)