Clarkson's Farm (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

[theme music playing]
["Shake That Thing"
by Winfield Parker playing]
[Jeremy] I was now eager for Alan
the builder to start turning
the lambing barn into a restaurant.
But before he could start work,
I had to get approval
from the local authority.
[Jeremy] I'm here now to meet
with the woman who runs
the planning department
at West Oxfordshire council.
So I'm going to
She doesn't wanna be filmed.
They're gonna park cameras
and sound recorders and everything
and go in there, 'cause this
this really matters,
this meeting.
If I get this wrong, she says no,
effectively,
my plan for the year is in tatters.
Yeah, here she is.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for coming out.
[Jeremy] The meeting,
which also included grown-ups
from other departments,
lasted for more than an hour.
And when it was over,
Charlie and I had to work out
where we now stood.
[Jeremy] So the man
from the business side,
the economic development
at the council who we just met,
he's very much in favour of it,
bringing loads of people to the area.
-But Joan, planning Joan
-Yeah.
She was very clear:
recognise the sensitivity of the site.
[Jeremy] She's worried about the fact
this is an area
of outstanding natural beauty,
doesn't like the car park,
doesn't like the mess out there.
I don't blame her, it's awful.
And doesn't like the lavatories.
-I get all that.
-[Charlie] Yeah.
As I understood it,
her chief concern was:
the locals.
The locals,
we've gotta do some engagement.
You have to engage in a positive manner
with them, Jeremy, definitely.
[chuckles]
["The Village Green Preservation
Society" by The Kinks playing]
[Jeremy] This is the village,
a mile or so from the lambing barn,
where my battle would be fought:
Chadlington.
[music continues]
It was the people living here who,
after the first season aired,
had been most annoyed
by the shop's popularity.
[indistinct chatter]
To try and cheer them up,
I decided to launch
Operation Hearts and Minds,
which would begin here,
in my wildflower meadows.
[Jeremy] Morning.
So, what have we got here?
[Jeremy] For the last two years
I've been donating
half my wildflower seeds
to a horticultural association.
Now, though, I was going to hold
some back to give to the village.
This is my favourite bit of the farm,
the grassland down here.
And also, how much is that seed
if you were to sell it?
[man] Ninety, a hundred pounds a kilo.
A hundred pounds a kilo? So, it's by far
the most valuable crop on the farm.
Probably!
[Jeremy] Can we put this down
in Chadlington?
[man] It'd be a good spot for it.
-[plane]
-Sorry, there's
The aeroplanes.
This is where my surface-to-air
missile battery's going.
[man] I've rarely seen aeroplanes
up here,
but they obviously know
you're filming today.
They're here all the time.
I think if I shoot one, it won't stop
them, they'll think it was an accident.
But if I do two or three, word will get
out among the flying community
and they'll have to spend time
with their wives.
[upbeat music]
Wave at the neighbours.
Operation Hearts and Minds and all that.
There we are.
There it is. This is my seed.
250 pounds worth of seed there.
[sighs]
Hello?
Is Sue around?
-[woman] Which Sue?
-Kott.
No, she's not here.
I've come to give her my seed.
[woman 2] She's not in.
Okay.
Right.
[Jeremy] Eventually, I did find
someone who would take my seeds.
Hi.
Are you the gardener here?
Well, no. I'm the chairman
of the trustees to the hall.
Ah.
[Jeremy] Right, there you go.
Green-winged orchids.
Lovely.
-Black orchids.
-Wow!
Thank you very much, Jeremy.
[Jeremy] All right. Thank you. Thanks.
[Jeremy] In truth, though,
the wildflower seeds
were just a warm-up act.
If I was going to win over the village,
I'd need a much grander gesture.
So I thought of one.
[man] One, two, three.
Perfect.
[laughter and applause]
"Diddly Squat sponsors
Chadlington Football Club."
[epic music]
-[Jeremy] It's a good strip.
-A really good strip.
[Jeremy] The kick-off whistle blew.
[whistle]
And my inaugural match
as a club sponsor was underway.
Chadlington FC
vs Chadlington Reserves.
-Go on, Chadlington.
-Come on, Chad.
I used to play
with all these kids when I was in school.
They used to be the team above us.
-[Jeremy] Have you got a picture?
-[Kaleb] I do.
I had long hair then.
-[Jeremy] Another hairstyle?
-Yeah.
[Jeremy] You are quite pudgy.
-What do you mean, pudgy?
-Porky.
[Kaleb] Oh !
Come on, Chadlington.
[Jeremy] Happily, there was a decent
turnout to see the new strip.
[Kaleb] Come on, Chad.
[Jeremy] Including Gerald
and his brother.
I mean, the nice thing about these,
this lot, they get this many up here
on a bloody Saturday.
-Of course.
-No, of course they don't.
One man and his dog.
-[whistle]
-That's our ball!
Do you know the way you know
all the names
of the Chelsea football players?
-Yeah?
[Lisa] Do you know all the names
of this team that you sponsor?
-Chadlington? Of course I do.
-No, you don't.
I do. It's easy here, right?
Supporters, right?
Cooper, Cooper and Cooper.
[laughter]
[Lisa] Name me one.
Cooper, Cooper,
Cooper, Cooper, Cooper,
and there's Cooper.
It just makes life so much
simpler in the village.
Coopers take over.
[crowd cheering]
Oh! Great save.
[Jeremy] Kaleb, however,
was very harsh with his commentary.
[Kaleb sighs]
That's bullshit.
[whistle]
[Kaleb] You are fucking joking me!
Get up.
Josh! Get up, Josh!
If you ran Emirates,
is it like this, do you think,
when you go to watch Arsenal?
'Cause I'm the sponsor of this team,
and I know how he feels.
-I think it's a little bit different!
-No, it's exactly the same.
[Kaleb] No, just a little bit.
[Jeremy] At half-time, the players
cracked into the energy drinks.
And Gerald took us on a tour
of the clubhouse
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
went off the road on the way home.
[Jeremy] where we discovered
he was a bit of a local legend.
[Jeremy] It's not you
'cause it's in colour.
[laughs]
Hey, look! There's a K. Cooper in here.
[Jeremy] Of course there is.
[Jeremy] Wait a minute.
I'm in the 80s here.
Gerald Cooper.
-[Jeremy] Where are you?
-[Gerald] Here.
[Jeremy] Is that you?
Still with the same moustache?
[Gerald] Yeah.
I'll tell you what, up there
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
They were all 22 in there,
you know what I mean?
-[Jeremy] God, that's you!
-[Gerald] Yeah.
You look like, "I just did "Tiger Feet"
on Top of the Pops
and then I played football."
[laughs]
See about Dennis,
round the corner.
Look, yeah, that's you.
Looking like someone out of Slade there.
[Gerald laughs]
[whistle]
[Jeremy] In the second half,
the action came thick and fast.
[whistle]
[whistle]
Oh.
-[whistle]
-[Jeremy] Jesus.
[Kaleb] Yeah!
[Kaleb] Aw, wonderful.
[Jeremy] And soon I began to realise
that my next purchase as a team sponsor
needed to be a scoreboard.
-So, you think it's what?
-[man] Three-one.
Three-one.
And you think it's four-one?
-I think it's three-nil.
-[woman] It's two-all.
-[Jeremy] Two-all?
-No.
It's five-one.
[whistle]
[Jeremy] The final whistle blew
on what had been a good game
for Chadlington FC.
Six Six-one.
But then Chadlington
was playing with itself.
[Jeremy] And I just hoped
my investment would now bring a return.
Do you think this will win
hearts and minds in the village?
[Kaleb] I do.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Whilst I was buttering up
the locals,
Charlie was in his office,
with its walls dripping in fine art,
working hard on the restaurant
planning application.
Jeremy must essentially win over
the parish council
because they will have quite
a lot of sway,
in sort of supporting the application.
But it's actually
West Oxfordshire District Council
that will decide whether
the restaurant will go ahead or not.
And the planning process,
we have to please a lot of people.
So we've got the police.
We've got the highways.
You know, and highways
are really on the farm shop.
The police stop every other day
to monitor traffic.
So we've gotta get the access
in and out just right.
We've got archaeological surveys.
We've got ecological surveys
we've gotta get right.
Oxfordshire county council will,
you know,
want to know that it has
an economic benefit.
We have to convince the Area
of Outstanding Natural Beauty
that it won't be a blot
on the landscape.
So we've gotta let them know
where we're planting
each hedge and each bush
so there's not light
pollution coming across the valley.
It's a huge amount of work and red tape
and we've gotta get it absolutely right.
It's not just something that's plonked,
you know, in the middle
of the countryside.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, back on the farm,
Dilwyn the vet paid a visit.
Though, for once,
not because he had to put his arm up
an animal's bottom.
No fighting. Come on.
Good dog.
Good dog.
[Dilwyn] Look at that!
You can't have a farm
and not have dogs.
[Dilwyn] Oh, look at them.
Aren't they gorgeous!
[Jeremy] Aren't they? They're sisters.
[Dilwyn] All right.
[Jeremy] And they're fox-coloured
Labradors.
-Not many around.
-No.
[Dilwyn] No.
Hey then, pups.
-But they're gonna need worming.
-Yeah.
-Microchipping.
-Yes.
-[Jeremy] And
-Vaccinating.
-[Jeremy] Vaccinating.
-Yeah.
[Jeremy] They are simply
the most adorable things.
[Dilwyn] Come here!
[Jeremy] I'm gonna roll you over
and I'll tickle your tummy. There.
I mean, this is it now,
as far as I'm concerned.
Farming's sort of over.
Oh. Good dog. Good dog.
[Jeremy] But, much as I wanted
to spend all day throwing balls
for these two,
there was obviously a farm to run.
And, with autumn upon us,
that meant getting next year's crops
into the ground.
[soft music]
After the first series
of Clarkson's Farm was aired,
I was mocked cruelly
by many farmers,
who said that my three-metre cultivator
was too small
for my tractor.
Well, they won't be mocking
this time around,
because I've got a new one.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] This is it.
A huge and complex
six-metre-wide slab
of science
and heavy engineering.
Good job I have such a big tractor.
Right.
Job one: lifting.
Up we go.
[engine revving]
Oh! Shit, shit, shit!
Whoa!
Down.
What if I don't lift it up so much?
That's the answer, isn't it? Yeah.
All right, let's just try again. Up.
Oh!
Jesus Christ!
What the
No, this is not good. What the hell?
Christ.
[Jeremy] Predictably, the rural Yoda
chose that moment to turn up.
It won't move!
'Cause you've got 4 tons
of machine on the back!
Well, it's
[stuttering]
How does anybody else manage?
You need a front weight, you muppet!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Once Kaleb
had attached the weight
Right, is that gonna stop the problem?
Should be fine.
[upbeat music continues]
[Jeremy] I set off to the field.
I've got one and a half tons
on the front,
four tons on the back
and nine tons in the middle.
This is a heavy rig this morning.
Here we are, at the field.
So what this machine does,
it's not a cultivator
like we used to use.
It's certainly not a plough,
which is really bad for the environment.
As it
As it goes along,
it encourages all the stuff
like this that wasn't properly
harvested last year,
to mix with the soil
and start growing again.
Then when it starts to grow,
we come along, kill everything,
and then we have a blank canvas
on which to grow next year's crop.
I don't understand it either.
But anyway, I know how to do it.
[engine revving]
Lowering.
Here we go.
[upbeat music]
I'm farming!
I just realised, I actually began
my farming career in this very field.
And now it's the first field
I'm cultivating for 2022.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] And it was all going well.
Until, several runs later,
the tractor started misbehaving again.
[metallic thud]
[engine revving]
Oh!
I can't make it
How do you make it turn when
the wheels aren't on the ground?
What the hell?
[Jeremy] The problem was that
as my Lambo gulped through fuel,
the fuel tank was getting lighter.
Which meant that once again
there wasn't enough weight up front
to keep the wheels down.
It's just hopeless.
[Jeremy] I decided therefore
to get back to the yard
and refuel before things
got any worse.
Oh, come on.
[engine revving]
I've got too many revs.
Let's try four-wheel-drive.
Yeah, that might help. Let's try this.
[engine revving]
No, no, no! Shit!
It's not better.
How the fuck
am I going to get out of here?
Whoopsie-daisy!
Come on, come on, come on
-[car horn]
-[Jeremy] Jesus Christ!
[Jeremy] Clearly, I needed to find
a bit of extra weight.
And luckily, some turned up.
No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ah!
[Jeremy] Right, are you ready?
Handbrake! Turn the handbrake!
[Jeremy] It's working.
[Kaleb] Oh fuck.
[Jeremy] The next day I should have
been doing some more soil titivation,
but there was now a more pressing issue.
Despite my attempts
to win over the locals,
I was still receiving
a steady stream of complaints.
[Jeremy sighs]
You look stressed.
"With an official snap check estimating
over 400 visitors
and known three-hour queues
to the Diddly Squat Farm Shop,
the originally small-scale setup has
turned into a hand-to-mouth operation
struggling to cope.
This is creating untold social traffic
and environmental problems
affecting the local quality"
That would have took me all day
to write that.
[Jeremy] And then they've sent
a photograph of that bus.
And they've objected to the bus.
They're objecting
there's too many cars.
A load of people come on a bus
to the farm shop
-And they moan about that as well.
-They moan about the bus.
I would love to meet these people
who have literally got nothing else
to do apart from writing them letters.
I'm that busy, you're that busy.
I haven't got two minutes
to sit down at a computer
and write a letter to you.
[Jeremy] Look.
"I'm fed up of everything
Jeremy Clarkson."
Honestly, you just go through this
One man in the village
has started a "Stop Diddly Squat"
crowdfunding thing.
I mean, they just
[Jeremy sighs]
[Jeremy] Since word had now got out
that I was going to apply
for permission to open a restaurant,
I decided to get on the front foot
and call a village meeting.
There we go.
What I've written here
is a little sign that says:
"As there seems to be some debate
about what's going on at Diddly Squat,
Jeremy Clarkson
will be at the Memorial Hall
to explain his plans
and to take any questions you may have.
Everybody from the area
is welcome to attend.
Cheese and wine will be provided."
There was a good complaint
on the official council website
the other day saying,
"That so-called farmer
at Diddly Squat"
Fair enough.
"doesn't actually
produce anything on his farm."
Well, I do.
And then someone said,
"That lambing barn
has never been used for lambing."
But there's literally documentary
evidence that says it has.
You know, this is the level
of complaint that just
That's why I thought I'd do a Q&A,
so people could say
"What are you doing?
What are your plans?"
[man] Have you got any anxiety about it?
Well, yeah, I have. 'Cause the lady
from the parish council says
that those that are angry
are really angry.
I mean, like really angry.
But yeah, it is nerve-wracking.
'Cause I've seen Straw Dogs.
I've seen Local Hero.
You know what a village can get like
when it all whips itself up.
Come up the drive with pitchforks.
But I'm trying to
I'll hopefully calm it down.
[birds chirping]
[cockerel crowing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next day,
word of the meeting had spread.
And not in a good way.
Um, right, so anyway, the village
The Chadlington community
notice board just in essence
says that I'm the devil,
that the farming show
is just the devil's work,
the farm is the devil's house.
So let's see if I can
go down there and, um
[groaning]
Ooh
[soft music]
I've gone for the 70s wedding look,
which I happen to like.
[sighs]
[Jeremy] As the villagers
started to arrive,
the cameras had to leave the hall,
because the locals had insisted
on no filming inside.
Then, with Charlie and Kaleb's ears
pressed firmly against the window
and my personal microphone
still switched on,
I waited for everyone to take
their seats
and got down to business.
[Jeremy] We were overwhelmed
by what happened
when the show first aired,
traffic and mud
and chaos and speeding.
Absolute nightmare. I agree.
So how can we make this look great,
bring people to the area
so they can spend
but not spoil
anybody's life in the village?
[Jeremy] I was hoping my opening
words would soothe the waters.
And they didn't.
[man] You have shown
no sympathy or empathy
with the people
who live in the village.
You described us as morons.
You said, "Every village has one moron,
I have six."
[laughter]
I don't want to be called a moron.
I don't think you should do that,
I think you should apologise for that.
[Jeremy] I apologise to you immediately.
You don't sound moronic at all.
And your points are valid.
Some of the points raised
on the West Oxfordshire
district council website,
however, were moronic.
"That lambing barn has never been
used for lambing."
"Nothing is produced on that farm."
These things are silly things to say,
'cause we do produce things on the farm.
That's fair enough, innit?
[man 2] But the fact is,
ultimately you're not a farmer.
You're a media personality.
But we're not Love Island.
What?
[Jeremy] You're right. I host
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
And I do The Grand Tour.
But the farm is my passion.
[man 2] You don't need an income
from the shop.
[Jeremy] No, the farm needs an income.
[man 2] You personally
do not need an income.
His pants are definitely down tonight.
[Jeremy] We're not gonna close the shop.
We have to have
an income stream for the farm.
-Jeremy's answering 'em, though.
-Yeah, he is.
[Jeremy] After the angry locals
had vented,
there then came the important question.
[woman] So, you're planning
on turning the lambing shed
into a cafe/restaurant/whatever.
[Jeremy] Yes. We now have the cows.
Some calves are ready, some heifers.
They'll produce the beef.
We have our eggs, our chickens.
So, we're starting to get
all the things we need
to be able to have this restaurant.
[man 3] I think what we would like to
hear now is your very immediate plans
for tidying up, traffic control
and everything.
[Jeremy] We need to talk to highways
about getting rid of the cones.
This will be first thing in the morning.
It's a hideous eye-sore at the moment.
We've got to put a little car-wash thing
so people have their wheels washed
before going back on the roads
so we don't have that mud.
Neat wooden signs saying
"Please do not park on the verges."
There are a number of things we could do
which would make it
a useful and pleasant amenity
that you drive by and go,
"That looks pretty."
And I want to get it
so it's a great little farm shop
with a great little cafe restaurant.
[man 4] Can we have a V.I.P. pass then?
[Jeremy] Yes. We'll do a V.I.P. pass
with a discount.
How's that sound?
[woman] Great!
[applause]
[Jeremy] And on that cheery note,
I bid you goodbye.
Right, I'm off. Take care.
Wow!
That was much, much, much better
than I thought it was going to be.
He got a little bit of a roasting
at the beginning.
There were certain people
that obviously went in with an agenda.
Um, but that always happens, doesn't it?
What can I say?
But everyone's entitled
to their own opinion, you know.
You have to listen to people,
you have to be genuine,
you have to show that you care.
And I think he does.
It was a good start.
We enjoyed the opportunity
of talking to him.
And that's the most important thing.
To engage rather than confront.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next morning,
as I'd promised,
I set about getting the area
around the farm shop tidied up.
Which meant a meeting with Lisa.
We've got to start now.
Get these cones up and gone.
Get that wire netting gone.
All that plastic over there
and those crates.
Get those bins hidden.
The litter, which I can see
all over everywhere.
It's all got to go.
Look at that manky hay bale.
That's just awful.
[Lisa] You say how much hay costs
and you want to buy another one!
Look at these cones.
"Come to a nice farm--"
They are from the police!
They put them out there.
We've nicked them and brought them
in here. Well, I haven't.
Somebody's brought them in here,
and is using them,
'cause they're convenient.
We can't have convenient.
It's got
Whose idea are those blue signs?
They were just temporary
for a day or two.
[Jeremy] But they've been there
for three months.
We've got the new signs now
to go on the grass verge.
I know. I know, I know.
I know. Do you know what?
I can do this and then we'll have
no stock in the shop.
[Jeremy] Listen, it's all very well
designing pretty little labels
for things in the shop,
but when you arrive at the shop
and it looks like this, it's just awful.
-[Lisa] What are you gonna do about it?
-I haven't got time.
You have no idea how much is
I've gotta go
Today I've gotta go
and find out if one of the
I don't even know what it's called,
bullocks or steers,
has got an accidental testicle.
I've got Charlie coming to talk about
the new government regulations on
I'm just swamped.
[Lisa] I can spend my day doing this,
but then we will have nothing to sell.
Sorry. You said you'll look after
the farm shop, I'll do the farm.
So the farm shop is--
I do breakfast, lunch and dinner as well.
When? What breakfast?
What lunch? What dinner?
I cooked my dinner last night.
I made sausages and mashed potatoes.
-You did not!
-Well, I so did.
I burnt them
'cause the dog shat on the carpet
and I had to clear up the dog shit
while cooking.
Your dogs, your shit.
My dogs?
If you wanted dogs,
I said "You clean up the shit."
-I did, while I was cooking my supper
-"I'm allergic to dog shit!"
Guess what? So am I.
Honestly.
[sighs]
What a twat.
I mean, it is disgusting.
It was fine during the summer,
wasn't it?
And then the rain came.
And when it rained, it's fucked.
[upbeat music]
[she groans]
Yeah!
[Jeremy] While Lisa was busy
with Operation Tidy-Up
I ploughed through
the endless list of jobs
that farming throws at you.
No, no, wait, wait,
'cause if you're in there
I'll just climb out. I got stuck
in one of these once with a bull.
Why don't you just pull it out?
-It's easier to do this.
-It wasn't a very big bull.
[upbeat music continues]
Now, what we've got here
is a scrotum and nothing else.
Uh-oh! Shit!
[Jeremy] Oh, it's free.
Thank God for that.
[upbeat music]
[he groans]
[Kaleb] Do you want me to do it?
No.
Watch this now.
[Kaleb] Fuck's sake.
[Jeremy] When I did get
a spare moment
This is a period of high volatility
Charlie always made sure
he was there to fill it.
[Charlie] There's some key figures
in there, specifics.
That's all down to yield.
So that's the net margin,
the whole farm.
What do you mean, "margin"?
Your return is point seven-five
of a percent.
Because your costs have
changed very little. So why
Basically, the dark blue line is 2021.
So this shows
Yes.
So this is this harvest,
the dark line.
The mainstay of the rotation
obviously is we've got
wheat and oilseed rape
The costs are about the same,
but that extra production has gone
straight to the bottom line.
We need to look at the detail.
Sorry. Oh, God. Fuck it.
I have that effect on all my clients.
No, you don't. I'm just knackered.
Farming is wearing me out.
[sighs]
[Jeremy] On top of the work pressure,
our little Diddly Squat world was now
under the glare of public scrutiny,
with my activities the subject
of national debate.
[radio host] Karla in the North Cotswolds
isn't far away.
And she says:
"This is not the first time
Clarkson has had to placate the locals,
especially when he blew up his house.
People are blocking
what was once a quiet village
that is not designed for so much traffic.
People wait for hours to get in.
They do not respect the area."
-That is the case against.
- [Jeremy] Jesus!
Let's hear from Julie,
who's in Scarborough.
[Julie] Good afternoon, Jeremy.
We've been on holiday
this week in the Cotswolds.
We drove past and saw all the cars
[soft music]
[Jeremy] With all this going on,
all I wanted to do was hide myself away
in the fields.
So I did.
[Jeremy] I love this part of the day.
Heading out in the tractor.
It's just so peaceful.
You know at the end of Forrest Gump,
when Forrest is on his little ride-on
mower doing the village green
[with a Southern American accent]
in Greenbow, Alabama?
That's how I feel here.
All those adventures I've had in my life,
and yet
I've ended up doing this!
And I love it. I just love it!
Kaleb needs to give this
a damned good soaking
with the weed killer,
he really does.
'Cause I think spring barley's
going in this field this year,
which is important,
because that's gonna be used
to make our
-[crash]
-Fucking hell.
I hit the telegraph pole.
Shit, shit, shit.
Okay.
Shit.
[sighs]
I've broken it.
That whole
that's all been bent back.
You can see those are now pointing
They should be
And I've broken that one.
Shit.
I mean, why have they put
a telegraph pole there?
[Jeremy] There was only one way
this situation could get any worse.
[Kaleb] Fuck!
-Were you on your phone?
-No.
You fucked up big time now.
-Fucking hell!
-I did that one as well.
You're such a muppet!
Every time!
I know, I know, I know.
If we straighten that out
it's just gonna come off, isn't it?
It will just snap off. You need
to straighten the whole thing out.
It'll probably be better to cut it off
and re-weld it back on.
-[Jeremy] How good are you at welding?
-[Kaleb] You're sorting it out.
-What?
-You're sorting that out.
I can't weld!
But you're sorting that out.
Jesus! Look how well
I've done all this this morning.
I've already done half the field!
-You haven't!
-I have!
You have not done this field.
I have! I've done half the field.
Why didn't you tell me you had?
It's obvious. You come out here
and look: half the field's done!
- You can see
- I couldn't see that.
-You couldn't see the difference?
-No.
[Jeremy] We then discussed
the electricity board's damaged pole.
You betta ring 'em up and tell 'em.
-They just renewed all these.
-I know they have.
Why don't we just ignore it?
It's only superficial.
It's done more damage
I might ring them up and tell them
they owe me for a new disc.
"You put a telegraph pole
in the middle of my field
and I'm that stupid, I can't go round it,
so therefore now you owe--"
It was really foggy.
I couldn't see it.
[Jeremy] Shit.
[Jeremy] I thought at this point
my humiliation was complete.
But apparently not.
Hi.
-[Charlie] What's the problem?
-[Kaleb] Tell him the problem, Jeremy.
[sighs] I've had an accident.
[Charlie] Bloody hell.
-I mean, you've ripped it off!
-[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] You wrote the machine off!
[Charlie] The problem is,
this isn't ours.
It's only on
This is a demonstrator.
So
OK.
How much is this thing?
-[Charlie] Twenty thousand quid.
-[Jeremy] Oh for fuck's sake.
[cockerel crowing]
["Can't You See" by
The Marshall Tucker Band playing]
[Jeremy] With the old cultivator
brought out of retirement,
we eventually got the job done.
[music continues]
Then we fired up the drill
Right, here we go.
[Jeremy] And set about getting
the seeds in the ground.
[music continues]
Accompanied, as ever,
by the traditional radio exchanges.
[Jeremy] Now it's changed.
The tractor
zero-kilometre-an-hour thing
is flashing at me.
You've knocked your fan out, haven't you?
How the fuck can I have done that?
I haven't touched any buttons.
-Where's the fan button?
-[Kaleb grunts]
[music continues]
[Jeremy] The weather held,
and a few busy days later
all the crops were in the ground.
Well done.
Only one telegraph pole
mildly damaged and
-Yeah, that wasn't me.
-I know. That was me.
[Jeremy] Then it was time
for a Sunday lunch meeting with Charlie,
who had finally finished
the restaurant application.
Think about this.
Everything on that plate
was grown at Diddly Squat.
The lamb, the carrots, the potatoes,
the beetroot, the flour for the gravy.
That's spring water.
So that's what the restaurant
is all about.
And that's what makes it so exciting.
Because, genuinely, it can be done.
-Is this the business plan?
-This is the business plan.
And you've done it on two sides
of the paper, which is eco-friendly.
-And it's recycled paper.
-Of course it is.
[Jeremy] They must be getting loads of
these from farmers saying
"We've got to do some changes."
There's a lot of requirement
for diversification going in.
But that's the need.
You are going to lose
£82,000 worth of subsidy.
We've gotta try and fill the gap.
This is why we're doing it.
-And that's going today?
-Today.
I mean, if we don't
If we don't get planning permission,
I'm left up a gum tree,
-a proper sticky gum tree.
-I know.
'Cause I'm left with a load of stuff
and nowhere that I can sell it
at anything approximating to a profit.
-Correct.
-Everything's ready to go,
I just need West Oxfordshire District
Council to say
"Good idea."
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] While the fate of the farm
was being discussed here,
in the local red-tape factory
Come on.
[Jeremy] I had to turn my attention
back to the cows,
which every night
were facing a deadly threat.
[intriguing music]
[ominous music]
-[engine revving]
-Fucking hell!
-You can't shoot them.
-No.
-Or gas them.
-No.
-Or fill in their holes.
-No.
[woman] If you get TB
your farm
is virtually shut down.
Shit.
[theme music playing]