Clone High (2023) s02e03 Episode Script
Bible Humpers: A Much Needed Praycation
-(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-NARRATOR: Previously,
on a very special Clone High.
Harriet Tubman's got secrets.
She's secret friends
with Joan of Arc
who's been banished
to the Bleacher Creatures,
and she secretly hooked up
with Toussaint Louverture,
unbeknownst to Confucius.
Technically, all she did was
look at Toussaint,
but the look got pretty X-rated.
In fact it may have been
the most graphic
eye-on-eye sex scene
in the history of animated shows
about high school clones.
And you better believe
we're bragging about it.
(GENTLE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CROWD CHEERING)
(GULPS)
Er, uh, er, uh (BURPS)
Yay!
Twenty-two seconds?
That's gotta be
some kind of record.
-You think?
-No idea.
I've never been to a party
of this magnitude.
-Oh! (GIGGLES)
-Whoa!
These ladies know
what they like,
and it sure isn't me.
-(MOANS)
-Not now, girls.
Aw!
What gives,
my brother from another beaker?
Hey, you should be
partying hard,
but you're hardly partying,
and you're only partly hard.
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I'm wondering
if there's more to life
-than just partying
-Yeah!
and boning, and railing,
and nailing.
But don't forget about banging.
The banging good time
we're gonna have
at our six-month
friend anniversary next week.
Our boy-niversary.
(CHUCKLES)
Like anniversary, but for boys!
I was gonna wait until then,
but it seems like you need
this pick-me-up ASAP.
"Slut." Like, er, uh, that's me.
ABE LINCOLN:
I knew you'd get it!
-Slut? (GIGGLE)
-Still not a good time, girls.
-Aw!
-GIRL CLONE: Damn it.
And I got one encapsulating
my identity as well!
(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)
All right, I warmed up the seat.
You go ahead
and put some butts in it.
("SAID THAN DONE"
BY AMBER RYANN PLAYING) ♪
And done, done, done, done
Ready to move on ♪
Done, done, done, done ♪
I know it's easier said
Than done ♪
Whoo! Man! That party went fast!
-(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
-Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
Secret government employees ♪
Dug up famous
Guys and ladies ♪
And made
Amusing genetic copies ♪
Then the clones
As teens were frozen ♪
Thawed out
Decades later, why? ♪
Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
Giving high school
Another try ♪
It's time to watch
Clone High ♪
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
Welcome to Cloney Island,
the only historical,
clone-themed amusement park
in the whole friggin' world.
Try Edgar Allan Poe's
Scary-Go-Round.
"Oh, yeah, that's awesome!"
Or the Socra-Tea-Cups.
"Yay, we love that, too!"
Win a stuffed animal
at the Genghis Khanival.
Or scream your head off
at Mr. Toph's
Wild Ride of Genocide.
"This is so fun. I can't decide
which one do to do first!"
(YELLS) Who am I kidding?
I don't have enough money
to finally build Cloney Island!
It's all about the Benjamins
in this world,
-and I only have one!
-(HUMS)
That's because
all your extra money
-goes to Uncle Sam.
-Lightbulb!
What if I didn't pay taxes?
You would go to jail.
Wesley Snipes.
If there was only some way
to legally not pay taxes.
-(CHORAL SINGING) ♪
-Shut the hell up, Prayer Pals!
God, I hate religion
and the way it's used
to manipulate people
and avoid taxes. (GASPS)
That's it, Mr. B!
I will burn down the school!
Why don't you just make
Clone High a religious school?
Religion?
The opiate of the masses?
The flag of violence,
genocide, and colonialism
across the globe?
Hoarding the wealth
of the impoverished!
And the most heinous
crime of all,
-Christian Rock.
-(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
But religious institutions
are tax-exempt.
Then amen, baby!
Wait, you're turning Clone High
into a religious school?
(SCREAMS) Mr. B,
you've got to close this door
when we're scheming!
That's like rule number one.
Fart less.
Door stays closed more.
Listen, you two could be
a real asset here.
We need the entire student body
to join Prayer Pals,
so the religion thing
seems credible.
As the school's
most prominent power couple,
you guys can make it happen.
Organized religion
really isn't our thing.
Yeah. What's in it for us?
-What do you want?
-Hmm. What do we want, babe?
We want you to make
an extra pair of clones of us,
so we can cut class,
but still get marked present.
That's insane.
I can't just whip up
full-grown clones like that.
It's science fiction!
We know you've done it,
'cause you left the door open
while you did it.
(SCREAMS)
-Fart less.
-Oh, you don't have a nose!
Man, you feeling
as rough as I am
after that rager last night?
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Yeah, you are!
No, I just sat up thinking about
all the sex I've had.
To be a fly on the wall
of your brain, you slut!
Believe me,
when you've had as much as me,
it (SIGHS)
loses some appeal.
But you have your virginity.
I envy that.
Hey, I would happily
let you take my virginity.
Tha--
that didn't come out right.
I'm serious, Abe.
As a Kennedy,
statistically speaking,
I've hit
the mid-point of my life!
And I'm starting to feel
like I want a do-over.
ABE: You listen here!
I know exactly
what'll cheer you up.
I am planning the boy-niversary
of the century for us.
LADY GODIVA:
Do you feel empty inside?
You probably know me
as the naked lady on the horse.
Lady Godiva?
And for a long time I was.
I was hooked on public nudity.
First, it was the Super Bowl.
I ran naked in front of
over a billion people.
If there was a game happening,
I was running naked through it.
Baba Booey!
I was turning up nude
at dog tracks,
-military funerals
-(EAGLE SCREECHES)
LADY GODIVA: smoking lounges,
-truck stops.
-(HORN HONKS)
LADY GODIVA: And one day,
I ran my naked butt
right into a jail cell.
And that's where I found God.
(CHORAL SINGING) ♪
Now, I get attention
by showing people the light,
instead of my butt cheeks.
If you think something's missing
in your life,
come join us for Prayer Pals,
Clone High's
most religious club!
Abe, maybe they can fill
my empty hole!
(CHUCKLES) Nice one!
Oh, uh, that's, er, uh,
not a sex joke.
Well, where the slut goes,
the wing slut follows.
Let's get your balls deep
in some youth group.
(ELECTRIC GUITAR TUNE
PLAYING) ♪
The religious inspector
is coming tomorrow!
We've only got one day
to transform the school
into a house of worship.
We don't have a prayer!
No, we've got
a whole Christian Rock band.
-Hit it, Dads!
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
It's a Christian rock song ♪
That you listen to
While you get your prayer on ♪
A crown of thorns
Some rosaries ♪
Loaves and fish
Down on my knees ♪
On every wall
A holy crucifix ♪
Jesus had abs, a pack of six ♪
Oh, oh, oh
Don't forget, he carries you ♪
One set of footprints
In the sand ♪
Flood an ark
In the palm of your hand ♪
Say, Cain
You reach this for me ♪
Dear God I'm certainly Abel ♪
A Blu-Ray of the movie, Doubt
To the heavens we do shout ♪
Moses led the Jews right out ♪
-Scudworth!
-(SCREAMS)
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-What are you doing here?
I'm turning Clone High
into a religious school,
so we can avoid paying taxes.
That is, by far,
the most brilliantly bad
to the bone headed
in the right direction
for rejection
of rejection
idea you've ever had!
-So you like it?
-Of course! I hate taxes.
Why do you think I shop here?
No sales tax!
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
And we do it
And we do it ♪
Forget about our redemption ♪
We're getting that sweet
Sweet tax exemption ♪
(ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
And my parents bought the whole
airbrush T-shirt chain
to make up for missing
my last three birthdays.
I made this trucker cap
last night.
HARRIET TUBMAN:
Aw, prayer hands!
It's Pikachu, but it's cool.
I'm learning.
GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER:
Confucius, you're up!
Oh! Gotta volley that ball.
But first, gotta serve you
with a kiss!
(SMOOCHES)
(GROANS)
JOAN OF ARC: I'm so excited,
we can be secret friends now,
even though
I'm a Bleacher Creature, and--
Joan, I don't need a recap.
I need advice.
And I have been feeling
so bad since I
(SHARPLY INHALES)
I eye-cheated.
(JOAN GASPS) You had sex
with someone else?
No, no! I-- I-- I-- I--
I cheated with my eyes
on Confucius with Toussaint.
JOAN: Eyes?
That doesn't sound so bad.
The eyes are the windows
to the soul,
and we penetrated
each other's windows!
JOAN: Wow! Okay.
Uh. Let's see.
-Joan?
-(SCREAMS)
Are you talking to people?
Bleacher Creatures only talk
to Bleacher Creatures.
Unless it's online.
And we troll anyone
who feels good about themselves.
Nope! Just telling some
authority figures to suck it!
That's right.
Yeah, eat a bag of butts,
people in power!
I'm picturing powerful people
eating butts right now,
and I'm loving it. Nice work.
JOAN: Sorry about that.
So, do you want my advice?
It better not be
to tell Confucius,
because that's the last thing
I want to do.
Our relationship
is built on trust,
and honesty. That's why
I have to deceive him!
JOAN: Which is why my advice is,
don't tell Confucius?
But I hate feeling guilty!
There's no reason to feel guilty
when you have Prayer Pals!
Frida? You're into Prayer Pals?
(SCOFFS) Of course I am!
I love it!
And I'm not getting my own clone
of myself as payment,
if that's your concern.
I love it too!
I also don't get a clone
as payment.
The Prayer Pals
do lots of good deeds.
Everyone knows
when you do a good deed,
it erases a bad one. Like this.
(GROANS)
-Nice hair!
-Oh, thank you.
JOAN: Psst! Couldn't hurt
to do some good deeds.
That was my inner monologue.
Um, that's what it says,
and it agrees with you.
And so do I,
because we're one
and the same, obviously.
Okay, bye!
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Welcome to Prayer Pals!
It feels good to know
that the word is spreading.
First, I'd love to hear
from some of our new folks.
(GROANS)
Hey, I'm Abe.
I came here for my best friend,
the man, the legend,
my boy, JFK!
Now, I want everyone
to go easy on him,
because he's not your typical
youth-group kid.
This guy's a proper cocksman.
Abe!
JFK, do people act like
your whole personality is sex?
They do. And they're not wrong.
Tell 'em how many people
you've had sex with.
-No!
-Not in a braggy way!
Just for a little context!
If you ask me,
no amount of sex is as cool
as this sweet purity ring.
And anything you did
before accepting the ring
just doesn't matter anymore.
(ALL CHEER)
What, like a do-over?
I can get my virginity back?
Exactly.
Could I get
my eye-virginity back?
-What?
-(HUSHED CHATTER)
Nothing. That was a joke,
'cause my eyes are virgins.
Should we just get to the part
where we do good deeds?
("UPSIDE DOWN WORLD"
BY EXTREME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la ♪
(LAUGHS, GASPS)
Yeah, yeah ♪
La, la, la, la ♪
(LAUGHS) Ah!
La, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la ♪
-Yeah, yeah ♪
-(SCREAMS)
(CHILDREN LAUGH)
I've got dreams
Inside my head ♪
(SINGING)
The sun'll come out-- ♪
Shut it, orphan!
I'm helping you.
I've got dreams
Inside my brain ♪
Make me feel insane
But I'm not gonna lie ♪
(SCREAMS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(TRUCK HORN HONKS)
(LAUGHS)
-Hello, there sunlight ♪
-Hey, hey ♪
-I'll be there soon ♪
-Hey, hey ♪
(SCREAMS, GROANS)
-(BIRD TWEETS)
-(GROANS)
-(EXCITED CHATTER)
-Oh, that was awesome.
Did you see Betsy Ross
on the trampoline?
I think she wants to run
her flag up your flag pole.
Not gonna happen, Abe!
From this day forward,
I only wanna use my pee-pee
for pee-pee!
God knows
you want a fresh start, JFK.
All you have to do
is accept this purity ring
and put your relationship
with Him first.
And you can do that
at our upcoming
celibacy ceremony.
Something we like to call
a "celi-mony."
ALL: Amen!
JFK, being celibate
will change who you are!
No, it'll make me
who I've always been.
I forgot that Kennedys
aren't just horny sex machines.
We're also
super devout Catholics.
You're really gonna choose
religion over us?
Of course not!
Nothing could possibly come
between us boys.
-So help me, God.
-(CROWD CHEERING)
ALL: God! God! God!
So many things are literally
coming between--
ALL: God! God!
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Why the long face, Lincoln?
-It's genetic, I guess.
You should see
my long butt crack.
Nah, I mean
you don't look jazzed
to get your brush on!
What's going on?
Have you noticed the Prayer Pals
have basically
taken over the school?
I'd say they're a presence.
Well, it feels like JFK
is getting swept up in it,
and I'm worried about him.
He's changing like
this shirt is changing,
right before my very eyes!
Listen, every relationship
has its ups and downs.
Also its side-to-sides.
Except for me and Harriet.
Our love is timeless,
just like airbrushing.
But you and JFK
have something really special.
You're boys.
And that bond's as strong
as a leather bracelet.
You're right!
I just have to remind him
of our bond.
Good thing he already knows
our boy-niversary tonight
is the biggest day of the year.
I can't wait to get in the cake
I made to surprise him.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, poors!
Come get your free soup!
Huh! I wonder
why Abe didn't come
to Prayer Pals today.
Any second.
Why aren't these good deeds
getting rid
of my bad deed, Joan?
I still feel like
these drums of discount chowder,
borderline rotten.
(GROANS) Maybe you should just
tell Confucius what happened.
Confess to Confucius?
That's crazy!
Oh, whatever your sin is,
the only person
you confess to is God!
I don't have to confess
to the person
I've sinned against?
No! Religion allows us to talk
to an invisible man
instead of friends
and loved ones or soup.
Tell God? Yeah, wow, okay!
That's-- that's way better
than telling Confucius.
Glad I could help.
Now, who's ready
for some scalding hot chowder?
'Cause I'm servin' it up
all night long, yeah!
You get chowder.
You get chowder,
you get chowder.
You get chowder.
You get chowder.
I get chowder.
(GASPS, PANTS)
That's it!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ALL SOB)
(ALL CRY)
JFK, with this purity ring,
do you vow to commit yourself
wholly to God
by keeping your junk
in your pants
until you marry a woman
you can put said junk in?
-I--
-ABE: I object!
(CROWD GASPS)
-(GASPS)
-ALL: Yay!
What are you doing?
You're blowing this for me!
No one's blowing anything!
And that's the problem!
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Last night was our six-month
boy-niversary, remember?
I know you've been down,
so I planned to have everything
to cheer you up!
But I got tired of waiting
inside of the cake for hours!
I even had Van Gogh come
to paint our JFKAbe portrait.
But you weren't here!
I'm sorry, Abe.
I was, uh,
helping The Prayer Pals.
You know you're my boy.
Am I?
-(PORTRAIT THUDDING)
-Then why did I find this
in your nightstand?
-(BOTH GASP)
-(GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER
RETCHES)
ABE: It's never supposed
to come off!
-It's a leather cuff!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
It's just-- I wanna see if maybe
I'm more than just a sex slut,
-you know?
-ABE: Fine!
Then I guess this is garbage!
(GROANS)
Such (GRUNTS)
quality leather!
(GROANS) Too strong!
I've already lost
my best friend, Gandhi,
who disappeared without a trace
just like that TV show.
Yeah, do-- What's the name?
Anyway, and I also lost
my best friend, Joan,
when she tried to wipe
all our memories.
And now, I'm losing you!
You aren't the boy
I fell in friendship with!
These people wanna change you,
but I accept you
just the way you are.
So I'm not giving up
without a fight,
because that's what boys do.
-They fight for each other!
-(SOMBER MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JFK, look around you.
Everyone else at school
has realized
Prayer Pals is the answer.
Shoutout to Frida and Cleo
for some incredible recruiting.
Abe represents the old you,
so choose purity.
Because I'm afraid
you can't choose both.
I, er, uh, er, uh
I, uh, er, uh, choose--
ABE: I can't let them do this!
-I'm saving us!
-Stop, Abe!
(LAUGHS) Problem solved.
Now, we can get back to being
best friends-- (GAGS)
Stupid gag reflex!
Does anyone have
a glass of water?
(GROANS, SIGHS)
-(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-JFK,
it's either celibacy or Abe.
Hint, one of those choices
leads to Hell.
Uh, I, er, uh-- I, uh--
I need to pray on this!
-(PENSIVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(CROWD GASPS)
(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
As you can see, we're an
extremely religious institution.
So religious that we shouldn't
pay a dime to the government.
I'll be the judge of that!
Communion wafer
and cheese charcuterie board?
Hmm! Don't mind if I do!
Christ on a cracker,
it's delicious!
(BOTH SIGH)
FRIDA KAHLO:
Hey, friend in Christ.
You look comfortable
and appropriate
in your modest attire.
Thank you! As do you.
We look the same
and think the same,
-because individuality is gross.
-Hmm!
Consider yourself approved
for tax exemption.
-Huzzah!
-Halle-freakin'-lujah!
Please, God, answer me.
Who should I choose,
Abe or celibacy?
Send me a sign!
Or you can use words!
-(DOORS OPENING)
-(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-ABE: Ow! (WHIMPERS)
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(ABE SCREAMS)
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-(ABE SIGHS)
-(ANIMALS SCREECHING, GROWLING)
-(ABE SCREAMS)
-(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-ABE: (IN DEEP VOICE) JFK!
-Huh?
This is God!
Oh, my God! I mean, Oh, my You!
Oh, my Me, indeed. (CHUCKLES)
Anyway, JFK,
I've been listening to you,
and it seems like Abe
is your really good friend.
He's probs a solid choice.
But he swallowed
my celibacy ring.
And I'm pretty sure he's the one
who keyed my car.
It's making me feel like
I should choose you.
I may be God,
but I'm not that great either.
(CHUCKLES) I've made mistakes.
You know, I created disease
and wars and--
and the phrase,
"Let's circle back."
Right, well,
I hate making Abe unhappy.
Hey, you could never make
Abe unhappy.
Abe's your boy.
He's just trying
to make you happy.
So you think
I should turn my back on you,
so Abe and I can stay best buds?
Just suck it up, and keep doing
the empty, meaningless sex?
Well, I mean,
when you put it that way
Just say the word, God,
and I'll do it.
Just, please, don't let Abe see
how unfulfilling it is for me.
JFK, I think (SOBS)
you should choose celibacy
if it makes you happy.
And knowing Abe,
he will appreciate you
for whoever you choose to be.
-Why are you crying?
-I just stubbed my God toe.
Don't worry about Abe.
I'll text him.
Beep-boop! He texted back.
He says he'll always be ya boy.
And he said
it was the Brontë sisters
-who keyed your car.
-(SOLEMN MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(HUMS)
-JFK, what happened?
-God's in the gymnasium,
and he's saying
some pretty great stuff!
-(EXCLAIMS)
-God is here at Clone High?
JOAN: Ow!
Harriet! I have something
for you. Wait up!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-Oh, God, hello!
I have a confession. (EXHALES)
I eye-cheated on Confucius
with Toussaint.
(INHALES DEEPLY) I'm talking
complete corneal penetration.
Like, we (GRUNTS)
We full-on rodded
each other's cones, man!
-(GROANS)
-(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
So, God, I need you
to take this whole thing away,
so I never,
ever have to tell Confucius.
Uh. I think you just did.
Confucius!
I was here to just give you
these airbrushed couples' shirts
that say,
"I've Only Got Eyes For You!"
(SOLEMN MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Why did it get so specific?
Awkward!
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-LADY GODIVA:
My fellow Prayer Pals,
I've just gotten word
that Clone High
is now officially
a religious institution.
(CROWD CHEERING)
LADY GODIVA: Right?
Feels good, doesn't it?
(CROWD CHEERING)
I never thought I'd see
such an enormous crowd
of friendly Prayer Pal faces.
All just looking at me.
It stirs up something,
deep inside.
(CROWD CHEER)
You want a show, don't ya?
Well, guess what?
Godiva's gonna give it to ya!
I'm free!
(LAUGHS) Yahoo!
I'm free!
(LAUGHS)
-(GASPS)
-LADY GODIVA: Baba Booey!
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
Well, Mr. B, we're in the money.
My dream
of creating Cloney Island
-is now within reach.
-(DOOR OPENING)
Scudworth! I just witnessed
a student running naked
across the quad!
I'm sorry, but that is not
religious institution behavior!
Uh, what? Oh, no, I'm sure
it's some sort of mistake!
Hey, nice doing business
with you, Scuddy Buddy!
Thanks for the clones.
You two have English now.
We're gonna go get some sushi.
-(SIGHS)
-(SIGHS)
Clones? Excuse me,
you're cloning people here?
You're at Clone High.
What the frig did you expect?
No tax exemption for you!
Only eternal damnation!
Well, Mr. B, should we try again
as a Hebrew school?
Way ahead of you.
Just call me "Mazel Bot." Oy!
-(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(GENTLE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-It's a Christian rock song ♪
That you listen to
While you get your prayer on ♪
A crown of thorns
Some rosaries ♪
Loaves and fish
Down on my knees ♪
On every wall
A holy crucifix ♪
Jesus had abs, a pack of six ♪
Oh, oh, oh
Don't forget, he carries you ♪
One set of footprints
In the sand ♪
Flood an ark
In the palm of your hand ♪
Say, Cain
You reach this for me ♪
Dear God I'm certainly Abel ♪
A Blu-ray of the movie, Doubt
To the heavens we do shout ♪
Moses led the Jews right out ♪
-NARRATOR: Previously,
on a very special Clone High.
Harriet Tubman's got secrets.
She's secret friends
with Joan of Arc
who's been banished
to the Bleacher Creatures,
and she secretly hooked up
with Toussaint Louverture,
unbeknownst to Confucius.
Technically, all she did was
look at Toussaint,
but the look got pretty X-rated.
In fact it may have been
the most graphic
eye-on-eye sex scene
in the history of animated shows
about high school clones.
And you better believe
we're bragging about it.
(GENTLE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CROWD CHEERING)
(GULPS)
Er, uh, er, uh (BURPS)
Yay!
Twenty-two seconds?
That's gotta be
some kind of record.
-You think?
-No idea.
I've never been to a party
of this magnitude.
-Oh! (GIGGLES)
-Whoa!
These ladies know
what they like,
and it sure isn't me.
-(MOANS)
-Not now, girls.
Aw!
What gives,
my brother from another beaker?
Hey, you should be
partying hard,
but you're hardly partying,
and you're only partly hard.
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I'm wondering
if there's more to life
-than just partying
-Yeah!
and boning, and railing,
and nailing.
But don't forget about banging.
The banging good time
we're gonna have
at our six-month
friend anniversary next week.
Our boy-niversary.
(CHUCKLES)
Like anniversary, but for boys!
I was gonna wait until then,
but it seems like you need
this pick-me-up ASAP.
"Slut." Like, er, uh, that's me.
ABE LINCOLN:
I knew you'd get it!
-Slut? (GIGGLE)
-Still not a good time, girls.
-Aw!
-GIRL CLONE: Damn it.
And I got one encapsulating
my identity as well!
(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)
All right, I warmed up the seat.
You go ahead
and put some butts in it.
("SAID THAN DONE"
BY AMBER RYANN PLAYING) ♪
And done, done, done, done
Ready to move on ♪
Done, done, done, done ♪
I know it's easier said
Than done ♪
Whoo! Man! That party went fast!
-(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
-Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
Secret government employees ♪
Dug up famous
Guys and ladies ♪
And made
Amusing genetic copies ♪
Then the clones
As teens were frozen ♪
Thawed out
Decades later, why? ♪
Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
Giving high school
Another try ♪
It's time to watch
Clone High ♪
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
Welcome to Cloney Island,
the only historical,
clone-themed amusement park
in the whole friggin' world.
Try Edgar Allan Poe's
Scary-Go-Round.
"Oh, yeah, that's awesome!"
Or the Socra-Tea-Cups.
"Yay, we love that, too!"
Win a stuffed animal
at the Genghis Khanival.
Or scream your head off
at Mr. Toph's
Wild Ride of Genocide.
"This is so fun. I can't decide
which one do to do first!"
(YELLS) Who am I kidding?
I don't have enough money
to finally build Cloney Island!
It's all about the Benjamins
in this world,
-and I only have one!
-(HUMS)
That's because
all your extra money
-goes to Uncle Sam.
-Lightbulb!
What if I didn't pay taxes?
You would go to jail.
Wesley Snipes.
If there was only some way
to legally not pay taxes.
-(CHORAL SINGING) ♪
-Shut the hell up, Prayer Pals!
God, I hate religion
and the way it's used
to manipulate people
and avoid taxes. (GASPS)
That's it, Mr. B!
I will burn down the school!
Why don't you just make
Clone High a religious school?
Religion?
The opiate of the masses?
The flag of violence,
genocide, and colonialism
across the globe?
Hoarding the wealth
of the impoverished!
And the most heinous
crime of all,
-Christian Rock.
-(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
But religious institutions
are tax-exempt.
Then amen, baby!
Wait, you're turning Clone High
into a religious school?
(SCREAMS) Mr. B,
you've got to close this door
when we're scheming!
That's like rule number one.
Fart less.
Door stays closed more.
Listen, you two could be
a real asset here.
We need the entire student body
to join Prayer Pals,
so the religion thing
seems credible.
As the school's
most prominent power couple,
you guys can make it happen.
Organized religion
really isn't our thing.
Yeah. What's in it for us?
-What do you want?
-Hmm. What do we want, babe?
We want you to make
an extra pair of clones of us,
so we can cut class,
but still get marked present.
That's insane.
I can't just whip up
full-grown clones like that.
It's science fiction!
We know you've done it,
'cause you left the door open
while you did it.
(SCREAMS)
-Fart less.
-Oh, you don't have a nose!
Man, you feeling
as rough as I am
after that rager last night?
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Yeah, you are!
No, I just sat up thinking about
all the sex I've had.
To be a fly on the wall
of your brain, you slut!
Believe me,
when you've had as much as me,
it (SIGHS)
loses some appeal.
But you have your virginity.
I envy that.
Hey, I would happily
let you take my virginity.
Tha--
that didn't come out right.
I'm serious, Abe.
As a Kennedy,
statistically speaking,
I've hit
the mid-point of my life!
And I'm starting to feel
like I want a do-over.
ABE: You listen here!
I know exactly
what'll cheer you up.
I am planning the boy-niversary
of the century for us.
LADY GODIVA:
Do you feel empty inside?
You probably know me
as the naked lady on the horse.
Lady Godiva?
And for a long time I was.
I was hooked on public nudity.
First, it was the Super Bowl.
I ran naked in front of
over a billion people.
If there was a game happening,
I was running naked through it.
Baba Booey!
I was turning up nude
at dog tracks,
-military funerals
-(EAGLE SCREECHES)
LADY GODIVA: smoking lounges,
-truck stops.
-(HORN HONKS)
LADY GODIVA: And one day,
I ran my naked butt
right into a jail cell.
And that's where I found God.
(CHORAL SINGING) ♪
Now, I get attention
by showing people the light,
instead of my butt cheeks.
If you think something's missing
in your life,
come join us for Prayer Pals,
Clone High's
most religious club!
Abe, maybe they can fill
my empty hole!
(CHUCKLES) Nice one!
Oh, uh, that's, er, uh,
not a sex joke.
Well, where the slut goes,
the wing slut follows.
Let's get your balls deep
in some youth group.
(ELECTRIC GUITAR TUNE
PLAYING) ♪
The religious inspector
is coming tomorrow!
We've only got one day
to transform the school
into a house of worship.
We don't have a prayer!
No, we've got
a whole Christian Rock band.
-Hit it, Dads!
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
It's a Christian rock song ♪
That you listen to
While you get your prayer on ♪
A crown of thorns
Some rosaries ♪
Loaves and fish
Down on my knees ♪
On every wall
A holy crucifix ♪
Jesus had abs, a pack of six ♪
Oh, oh, oh
Don't forget, he carries you ♪
One set of footprints
In the sand ♪
Flood an ark
In the palm of your hand ♪
Say, Cain
You reach this for me ♪
Dear God I'm certainly Abel ♪
A Blu-Ray of the movie, Doubt
To the heavens we do shout ♪
Moses led the Jews right out ♪
-Scudworth!
-(SCREAMS)
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-What are you doing here?
I'm turning Clone High
into a religious school,
so we can avoid paying taxes.
That is, by far,
the most brilliantly bad
to the bone headed
in the right direction
for rejection
of rejection
idea you've ever had!
-So you like it?
-Of course! I hate taxes.
Why do you think I shop here?
No sales tax!
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
And we do it
And we do it ♪
Forget about our redemption ♪
We're getting that sweet
Sweet tax exemption ♪
(ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
And my parents bought the whole
airbrush T-shirt chain
to make up for missing
my last three birthdays.
I made this trucker cap
last night.
HARRIET TUBMAN:
Aw, prayer hands!
It's Pikachu, but it's cool.
I'm learning.
GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER:
Confucius, you're up!
Oh! Gotta volley that ball.
But first, gotta serve you
with a kiss!
(SMOOCHES)
(GROANS)
JOAN OF ARC: I'm so excited,
we can be secret friends now,
even though
I'm a Bleacher Creature, and--
Joan, I don't need a recap.
I need advice.
And I have been feeling
so bad since I
(SHARPLY INHALES)
I eye-cheated.
(JOAN GASPS) You had sex
with someone else?
No, no! I-- I-- I-- I--
I cheated with my eyes
on Confucius with Toussaint.
JOAN: Eyes?
That doesn't sound so bad.
The eyes are the windows
to the soul,
and we penetrated
each other's windows!
JOAN: Wow! Okay.
Uh. Let's see.
-Joan?
-(SCREAMS)
Are you talking to people?
Bleacher Creatures only talk
to Bleacher Creatures.
Unless it's online.
And we troll anyone
who feels good about themselves.
Nope! Just telling some
authority figures to suck it!
That's right.
Yeah, eat a bag of butts,
people in power!
I'm picturing powerful people
eating butts right now,
and I'm loving it. Nice work.
JOAN: Sorry about that.
So, do you want my advice?
It better not be
to tell Confucius,
because that's the last thing
I want to do.
Our relationship
is built on trust,
and honesty. That's why
I have to deceive him!
JOAN: Which is why my advice is,
don't tell Confucius?
But I hate feeling guilty!
There's no reason to feel guilty
when you have Prayer Pals!
Frida? You're into Prayer Pals?
(SCOFFS) Of course I am!
I love it!
And I'm not getting my own clone
of myself as payment,
if that's your concern.
I love it too!
I also don't get a clone
as payment.
The Prayer Pals
do lots of good deeds.
Everyone knows
when you do a good deed,
it erases a bad one. Like this.
(GROANS)
-Nice hair!
-Oh, thank you.
JOAN: Psst! Couldn't hurt
to do some good deeds.
That was my inner monologue.
Um, that's what it says,
and it agrees with you.
And so do I,
because we're one
and the same, obviously.
Okay, bye!
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Welcome to Prayer Pals!
It feels good to know
that the word is spreading.
First, I'd love to hear
from some of our new folks.
(GROANS)
Hey, I'm Abe.
I came here for my best friend,
the man, the legend,
my boy, JFK!
Now, I want everyone
to go easy on him,
because he's not your typical
youth-group kid.
This guy's a proper cocksman.
Abe!
JFK, do people act like
your whole personality is sex?
They do. And they're not wrong.
Tell 'em how many people
you've had sex with.
-No!
-Not in a braggy way!
Just for a little context!
If you ask me,
no amount of sex is as cool
as this sweet purity ring.
And anything you did
before accepting the ring
just doesn't matter anymore.
(ALL CHEER)
What, like a do-over?
I can get my virginity back?
Exactly.
Could I get
my eye-virginity back?
-What?
-(HUSHED CHATTER)
Nothing. That was a joke,
'cause my eyes are virgins.
Should we just get to the part
where we do good deeds?
("UPSIDE DOWN WORLD"
BY EXTREME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la ♪
(LAUGHS, GASPS)
Yeah, yeah ♪
La, la, la, la ♪
(LAUGHS) Ah!
La, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la ♪
-Yeah, yeah ♪
-(SCREAMS)
(CHILDREN LAUGH)
I've got dreams
Inside my head ♪
(SINGING)
The sun'll come out-- ♪
Shut it, orphan!
I'm helping you.
I've got dreams
Inside my brain ♪
Make me feel insane
But I'm not gonna lie ♪
(SCREAMS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(TRUCK HORN HONKS)
(LAUGHS)
-Hello, there sunlight ♪
-Hey, hey ♪
-I'll be there soon ♪
-Hey, hey ♪
(SCREAMS, GROANS)
-(BIRD TWEETS)
-(GROANS)
-(EXCITED CHATTER)
-Oh, that was awesome.
Did you see Betsy Ross
on the trampoline?
I think she wants to run
her flag up your flag pole.
Not gonna happen, Abe!
From this day forward,
I only wanna use my pee-pee
for pee-pee!
God knows
you want a fresh start, JFK.
All you have to do
is accept this purity ring
and put your relationship
with Him first.
And you can do that
at our upcoming
celibacy ceremony.
Something we like to call
a "celi-mony."
ALL: Amen!
JFK, being celibate
will change who you are!
No, it'll make me
who I've always been.
I forgot that Kennedys
aren't just horny sex machines.
We're also
super devout Catholics.
You're really gonna choose
religion over us?
Of course not!
Nothing could possibly come
between us boys.
-So help me, God.
-(CROWD CHEERING)
ALL: God! God! God!
So many things are literally
coming between--
ALL: God! God!
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Why the long face, Lincoln?
-It's genetic, I guess.
You should see
my long butt crack.
Nah, I mean
you don't look jazzed
to get your brush on!
What's going on?
Have you noticed the Prayer Pals
have basically
taken over the school?
I'd say they're a presence.
Well, it feels like JFK
is getting swept up in it,
and I'm worried about him.
He's changing like
this shirt is changing,
right before my very eyes!
Listen, every relationship
has its ups and downs.
Also its side-to-sides.
Except for me and Harriet.
Our love is timeless,
just like airbrushing.
But you and JFK
have something really special.
You're boys.
And that bond's as strong
as a leather bracelet.
You're right!
I just have to remind him
of our bond.
Good thing he already knows
our boy-niversary tonight
is the biggest day of the year.
I can't wait to get in the cake
I made to surprise him.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, poors!
Come get your free soup!
Huh! I wonder
why Abe didn't come
to Prayer Pals today.
Any second.
Why aren't these good deeds
getting rid
of my bad deed, Joan?
I still feel like
these drums of discount chowder,
borderline rotten.
(GROANS) Maybe you should just
tell Confucius what happened.
Confess to Confucius?
That's crazy!
Oh, whatever your sin is,
the only person
you confess to is God!
I don't have to confess
to the person
I've sinned against?
No! Religion allows us to talk
to an invisible man
instead of friends
and loved ones or soup.
Tell God? Yeah, wow, okay!
That's-- that's way better
than telling Confucius.
Glad I could help.
Now, who's ready
for some scalding hot chowder?
'Cause I'm servin' it up
all night long, yeah!
You get chowder.
You get chowder,
you get chowder.
You get chowder.
You get chowder.
I get chowder.
(GASPS, PANTS)
That's it!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ALL SOB)
(ALL CRY)
JFK, with this purity ring,
do you vow to commit yourself
wholly to God
by keeping your junk
in your pants
until you marry a woman
you can put said junk in?
-I--
-ABE: I object!
(CROWD GASPS)
-(GASPS)
-ALL: Yay!
What are you doing?
You're blowing this for me!
No one's blowing anything!
And that's the problem!
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Last night was our six-month
boy-niversary, remember?
I know you've been down,
so I planned to have everything
to cheer you up!
But I got tired of waiting
inside of the cake for hours!
I even had Van Gogh come
to paint our JFKAbe portrait.
But you weren't here!
I'm sorry, Abe.
I was, uh,
helping The Prayer Pals.
You know you're my boy.
Am I?
-(PORTRAIT THUDDING)
-Then why did I find this
in your nightstand?
-(BOTH GASP)
-(GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER
RETCHES)
ABE: It's never supposed
to come off!
-It's a leather cuff!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
It's just-- I wanna see if maybe
I'm more than just a sex slut,
-you know?
-ABE: Fine!
Then I guess this is garbage!
(GROANS)
Such (GRUNTS)
quality leather!
(GROANS) Too strong!
I've already lost
my best friend, Gandhi,
who disappeared without a trace
just like that TV show.
Yeah, do-- What's the name?
Anyway, and I also lost
my best friend, Joan,
when she tried to wipe
all our memories.
And now, I'm losing you!
You aren't the boy
I fell in friendship with!
These people wanna change you,
but I accept you
just the way you are.
So I'm not giving up
without a fight,
because that's what boys do.
-They fight for each other!
-(SOMBER MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JFK, look around you.
Everyone else at school
has realized
Prayer Pals is the answer.
Shoutout to Frida and Cleo
for some incredible recruiting.
Abe represents the old you,
so choose purity.
Because I'm afraid
you can't choose both.
I, er, uh, er, uh
I, uh, er, uh, choose--
ABE: I can't let them do this!
-I'm saving us!
-Stop, Abe!
(LAUGHS) Problem solved.
Now, we can get back to being
best friends-- (GAGS)
Stupid gag reflex!
Does anyone have
a glass of water?
(GROANS, SIGHS)
-(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-JFK,
it's either celibacy or Abe.
Hint, one of those choices
leads to Hell.
Uh, I, er, uh-- I, uh--
I need to pray on this!
-(PENSIVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(CROWD GASPS)
(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
As you can see, we're an
extremely religious institution.
So religious that we shouldn't
pay a dime to the government.
I'll be the judge of that!
Communion wafer
and cheese charcuterie board?
Hmm! Don't mind if I do!
Christ on a cracker,
it's delicious!
(BOTH SIGH)
FRIDA KAHLO:
Hey, friend in Christ.
You look comfortable
and appropriate
in your modest attire.
Thank you! As do you.
We look the same
and think the same,
-because individuality is gross.
-Hmm!
Consider yourself approved
for tax exemption.
-Huzzah!
-Halle-freakin'-lujah!
Please, God, answer me.
Who should I choose,
Abe or celibacy?
Send me a sign!
Or you can use words!
-(DOORS OPENING)
-(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-ABE: Ow! (WHIMPERS)
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(ABE SCREAMS)
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-(ABE SIGHS)
-(ANIMALS SCREECHING, GROWLING)
-(ABE SCREAMS)
-(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-ABE: (IN DEEP VOICE) JFK!
-Huh?
This is God!
Oh, my God! I mean, Oh, my You!
Oh, my Me, indeed. (CHUCKLES)
Anyway, JFK,
I've been listening to you,
and it seems like Abe
is your really good friend.
He's probs a solid choice.
But he swallowed
my celibacy ring.
And I'm pretty sure he's the one
who keyed my car.
It's making me feel like
I should choose you.
I may be God,
but I'm not that great either.
(CHUCKLES) I've made mistakes.
You know, I created disease
and wars and--
and the phrase,
"Let's circle back."
Right, well,
I hate making Abe unhappy.
Hey, you could never make
Abe unhappy.
Abe's your boy.
He's just trying
to make you happy.
So you think
I should turn my back on you,
so Abe and I can stay best buds?
Just suck it up, and keep doing
the empty, meaningless sex?
Well, I mean,
when you put it that way
Just say the word, God,
and I'll do it.
Just, please, don't let Abe see
how unfulfilling it is for me.
JFK, I think (SOBS)
you should choose celibacy
if it makes you happy.
And knowing Abe,
he will appreciate you
for whoever you choose to be.
-Why are you crying?
-I just stubbed my God toe.
Don't worry about Abe.
I'll text him.
Beep-boop! He texted back.
He says he'll always be ya boy.
And he said
it was the Brontë sisters
-who keyed your car.
-(SOLEMN MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(HUMS)
-JFK, what happened?
-God's in the gymnasium,
and he's saying
some pretty great stuff!
-(EXCLAIMS)
-God is here at Clone High?
JOAN: Ow!
Harriet! I have something
for you. Wait up!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-Oh, God, hello!
I have a confession. (EXHALES)
I eye-cheated on Confucius
with Toussaint.
(INHALES DEEPLY) I'm talking
complete corneal penetration.
Like, we (GRUNTS)
We full-on rodded
each other's cones, man!
-(GROANS)
-(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
So, God, I need you
to take this whole thing away,
so I never,
ever have to tell Confucius.
Uh. I think you just did.
Confucius!
I was here to just give you
these airbrushed couples' shirts
that say,
"I've Only Got Eyes For You!"
(SOLEMN MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Why did it get so specific?
Awkward!
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-LADY GODIVA:
My fellow Prayer Pals,
I've just gotten word
that Clone High
is now officially
a religious institution.
(CROWD CHEERING)
LADY GODIVA: Right?
Feels good, doesn't it?
(CROWD CHEERING)
I never thought I'd see
such an enormous crowd
of friendly Prayer Pal faces.
All just looking at me.
It stirs up something,
deep inside.
(CROWD CHEER)
You want a show, don't ya?
Well, guess what?
Godiva's gonna give it to ya!
I'm free!
(LAUGHS) Yahoo!
I'm free!
(LAUGHS)
-(GASPS)
-LADY GODIVA: Baba Booey!
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
Well, Mr. B, we're in the money.
My dream
of creating Cloney Island
-is now within reach.
-(DOOR OPENING)
Scudworth! I just witnessed
a student running naked
across the quad!
I'm sorry, but that is not
religious institution behavior!
Uh, what? Oh, no, I'm sure
it's some sort of mistake!
Hey, nice doing business
with you, Scuddy Buddy!
Thanks for the clones.
You two have English now.
We're gonna go get some sushi.
-(SIGHS)
-(SIGHS)
Clones? Excuse me,
you're cloning people here?
You're at Clone High.
What the frig did you expect?
No tax exemption for you!
Only eternal damnation!
Well, Mr. B, should we try again
as a Hebrew school?
Way ahead of you.
Just call me "Mazel Bot." Oy!
-(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(GENTLE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-It's a Christian rock song ♪
That you listen to
While you get your prayer on ♪
A crown of thorns
Some rosaries ♪
Loaves and fish
Down on my knees ♪
On every wall
A holy crucifix ♪
Jesus had abs, a pack of six ♪
Oh, oh, oh
Don't forget, he carries you ♪
One set of footprints
In the sand ♪
Flood an ark
In the palm of your hand ♪
Say, Cain
You reach this for me ♪
Dear God I'm certainly Abel ♪
A Blu-ray of the movie, Doubt
To the heavens we do shout ♪
Moses led the Jews right out ♪