Close Enough (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

♪♪
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
[ Dog barking ]
Whew. Tss, tss!
[ Whistling ]
Ca-caw!
Why am I
bringing up the rear?
No offense,
but it's "cops and robbers",
not, you know,
"retired cops and robbers."
I'm not retired
from this game!
Pffft, okay.
It's raid time!
[ Groans ]
Man down!
[ Sighs ]
Freeze,
El Chupacabra!
Huh?
You're under arrest.
Arrest this!
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Now we've got a game!
Aah!
♪♪
Stay down,
civilian!
♪♪
Sorry, copper, you're too old
to catch El Chupacabra!
♪♪
With age comes wisdom.
♪♪
Power slide!
Oh, God!
[ Groaning ]
Looks like a hit
and roll.
[ Rock music plays ]
Damn it, Randy!
I'm hurt here!
♪♪
♪♪
Pearle:
Oh, really?
Well, tell me,
Mr. Insurance Man,
how on Earth
is a partial hip replacement
considered
elective surgery?!
No,
you read the fine print
of your medical plan
for more information!
[ Groans ]
After giving the police force
the best years of my life,
all they give me in return
is some aspirin
and a prescription
for water aerobics?!
Those bastards!
Don't you talk about the LAPD
that way!
But you --
But you just said --
Once a cop,
always a cop, Randy.
Why not give the water aerobics
a try?
They say it's not just
for old people.
♪♪
I'm too young
for this shit.
Tony:
And four and one and two
and three and four
and one and two and three
♪♪
♪♪
Wow!
Great class, everybody.
Next week, we'll work on lunges.
Why don't you come over here
and lunge into me, Tony!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, you're naughty,
Barb!
[ Laughs ]
Saw you
struggling earlier.
Don't worry,
new kid.
First time
is the worst time.
Just like sex
and cataract surgery.
[ Laughter ]
I'm Barb.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Pearle.
And this naughty girl
is Gertrude.
She can hook you up
with weed so dank,
it'll melt your face
off your skull.
And Shirley here
is my ride-or-die.
It's lunchtime,
bitch!
She may have dementia,
but she's the kinda gal
I'd want with me in a firefight.
It's lunchtime,
bitch!
You guys get in
a lot of firefights?
[ Laughter ]
I've been around
one or two.
On the force.
Oh, snap.
[ Inhales sharply ]
It's legal now,
Gertrude.
I was a cop.
Retired now.
Lot of good
it did me.
Their crap
insurance plan
won't cover the hip surgery
I need.
All my life
I played by the rules,
and look
where it got me.
The Y-M freaking C-A.
Hey, now.
Life led you to the Y
for a reason.
Maybe to make
new friends.
Wanna hang with us?
I promised my son
I'd take him to lunch.
Happy meal!
I'm lovin' it!
[ Groans ]
Yeah,
I'll go to lunch with you.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Tires screech ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
I gotta tell you girls --
I feel alive!
Hey, would you mind stopping
by the bank on the way to lunch?
We need to deposit
our Social Security checks.
Oh, sure, but I get to choose
where we go to lunch.
There's Cupcake Factory,
Cupcake Factory Outlet,
California Pizza Dungeon,
Hammy's Sammies,
Sammy's Hammies --
they only do pork --
Taco Hell --
Keep the car runnin'.
Back in a jif.
Burger Thing, that new ironic
restaurant in Silver Lake,
which is also
what it's called.
Mr. Meat's Vegan Eats,
The Money Hole,
Tramp, Slump, Turd.
I've always wanted
to try Turd.
I could go for General Tso's
Clam Shack -- are y'all okay?
Floor it, Pearle!
[ Tires screech, sirens wail ]
What happened?!
We just made
a little withdrawal.
Y'all are bank robbers?!
Turn left up here!
[ Tires screech, siren wails ]
Everybody stay cool.
Morning, ladies.
Y'all coming from
the Sixth Ninth Bank?
We--
We're just headed to lunch,
officer.
Could you help us?
Which way is the old
senior buffet?
That bank
was just robbed.
Did you ladies see
anything suspicious?
No.
Nope.
♪♪
Yeah
Alright.
You ladies have
a good lunch now.
The old senior buffet
is just down the road,
near the crematorium.
Thanks.
Maybe we should just
skip lunch
and head
straight to the crematorium.
[ Laughs ] Oh!
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Coughs ]
I said it!
Only in America.
[ Sighs ]
I can't believe
you hid this from me.
Listen, Pearle,
everyone thinks we're useless.
Aren't you tired
of being ignored?
Yes!
But robbing banks?
We're not robbing.
We're taking
what we deserve
for medical bills
that insurance won't cover.
No one gets hurt.
And we get that rush.
What's this?
Your cut.
You okay, Ma?
Randy, baby,
you ever find
that you have to do
the wrong thing
in order
to do something right?
Sure I do, Ma.
Just this morning, I was
lifting weights in the garage,
and I accidentally
dropped a dumbbell
on the hood
of Josh's car.
Something good will
probably ultimately
come out of that,
right?
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hello?
Pearle, it's Barb.
We've got
something cooking.
Enough to fix
your hip
♪♪
and buy
that boy of yours a shirt.
♪♪
I'm in.
♪♪
Barb: The Werther's Originals
armored truck
makes its quarterly deposit
of caramel profits
at the Santa Monica
First Pier Bank on Friday,
but we're going to hit it
before it gets there.
♪♪
It's lunchtime, bitch.
♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
Hi, ma'am.
Let me help you!
Touch me
and you're dead!
♪♪
[ Brakes squeal ]
Ah, Jesus,
we're gonna miss our light!
Aah! No!
What?
No, don't stop to blow up
your hemorrhoid donut!
Aaaah!
♪♪
Are you sure
you're up for this?
It's time to get
what we deserve.
♪♪
Excuse me, young man,
but you have
some schmutz on your face.
I-I do?
It's lunchtime,
bitch.
[ Groans ]
Back away!
♪♪
[ Groans ]
♪♪
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
[ Whistles ]
[ Sirens wailing ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Dolphin chatters ]
[ Laughter ]
Feels good,
doesn't it?
Like you're not
a day over 51.
I can't let you
go through with this, Barb.
I guess once a cop,
always a cop, huh?
Well,
I wasn't born yesterday.
I was born in 1937.
If you
want to shoot me,
you're gonna need these.
I figured
you wouldn't trust me,
so I called for backup.
♪♪
Freeze!
You're under arrest!
♪♪
[ Dolphin chattering ]
Language,
McTaggert, language!
Once a cop,
always a cop.
[ Sirens wail ]
Alright then.
I guess you win.
♪♪
Listen,
they'll send me away
for however much life
I have left.
Before that happens,
let me feel the rush
one more time.
♪♪
♪♪
You let her go?!
No, I didn't.
We'll get her
when she comes back in.
She's not coming back.
♪♪
Ultimate rush!
♪♪
Hey, Ma, got your text
to pick you up.
Aren't you supposed to be
at water aerobics?
I think I'm done
with that class.
♪♪
Randy!
What?! I thought we were just
chuckin' stuff into the ocean.
This is the best.
Isn't it nice
to spend some time outdoors
with your closest friends?
[ Cellphones chiming,
keyboards clacking ]
Ugh, what ever happened
to human connection?!
You'd rather worship
your glowing bricks
than engage
with a bon vivant like myself?
It's nice to hang out
in the park.
Whoa.
Bold stance.
How's this
for a big statement?
Phones have ruined society.
That's why
I keep it old school.
[ Electronic humming ]
Mom,
I'm scared!
I need a phone
for two things --
making calls
and using a calculator.
Anything you can do on
your capitalist tracking device,
I can do by myself.
[ Camera shutters click ]
Hashtag masterpiece.
Take next exit, right.
[ Tires screech ]
Get off your phone
and pay attention!
[ Tires screech ]
Oh, yeah, here we go.
Oh, yeah, here we go.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, come on.
You know, you wouldn't get
paper cuts on little Alex
if you upgraded
your phone.
Well, that is never
going to happen.
This thing
is built like a tank.
♪♪
[ Bird screeches ]
♪♪
[ Horn honks ]
♪♪
It's fine.
I can put it in a bowl of rice!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Groaning ]
Noooooo!
♪♪
♪♪
Wait, they all have calculators?
How am I supposed to choose?
Alex
Huh?
♪♪
Hello, Alex.
I'm Kira, the new
digital assistant from Fractal.
If you like calculators,
you'll love our new
global measurement convertor.
It's not going to be that easy
to overcome my skepticism of --
Whoa, is that how many grams
are in a metric ton?
Alex, in order to complete
my setup,
all I need is your thumb print,
DNA sample,
and your
Social Security number.
I don't need
all the bells and whistles.
I just want
to add numbers together --
87, 22,
you know, stuff like that.
I'll take real life over
a screen, thank you very much.
Oh, Alex.
Why should a genius like you
settle for real life?
Want some hummus at 10:15
delivered to your door ♪
Access all man's knowledge
and really specific porn? ♪
Baby, that's what Kira's for ♪
OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr ♪
Whatever floats your boat ♪
Kira's got your vice, honey,
your itch, your rope ♪
Follow what you like and
you can tune out all the rest ♪
Step inside
the filter bubble ♪
Where your take is the best ♪
Baby, that's what Kira's for ♪
Give in to Kira now,
give your data up to me ♪
Give your! Data!
Up to me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e ♪
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
♪♪
He hasn't
left his room all day.
And there's
a weird smell.
And not
his regular weird smell.
We need an intervention
to get him off that phone.
♪♪
[ Groans ]
[ Sighs ]
Alex, we think
you might have a problem.
Josh, we're past
the intervention stage.
Stand back!
I wouldn't do that, Pearle.
Alex is Jacked into
the cyber-matrix.
If you kill me,
he will also be deleted.
I bet I can make contact
with my VR headset.
I'll plug in to the matrix, just
like in that Keanu Reeves movie.
Oh, "John Wick."
Nope.
"The Lake House."
Maybe.
Never saw it.
♪♪
[ Groans ]
Come on.
This is why USB is dying out.
I'm jacking in!
♪♪
Alex: Josh!
Welcome to
the cyber-matrix.
[ Startup tone plays ]
Come on,
we got to get outta here.
Why?
Out there, I'm a divorced
adjunct professor
with paper cuts
on his dong.
In here,
I'm an invincible penised God.
Right, Elga?
Well, hello, Alex.
H-Hello, Alex. Hel-- Al-Al-Al.
Smokin' hot,
am I right?
No!
That was just bad clip art.
So you'd rather
be in here
than in the real world
with your friends?
Oh, I've got all the friends
I need right here.
Good point, Alex.
Great point, Alex.
Alex, you rock!
Hey, I'm Josh.
I'm 5 feet 11,
and my interests include
skateboards and horror movies.
Being a dad rules!
Okay,
that's incredibly lifelike.
But is this
what you want?
Fake friends who agree with you
all the time?
They're free
to challenge me.
And then they get schooled
by the professor.
Booya.
Guys, superhero franchises
are ruining cinema.
Anyone care
to disagree?
Actually,
superhero stories
are part of
a rich folk tradition
of mythological tales
of gods and goddesses.
Bridgette: Every culture
throughout history
venerates its heroes,
be they named
Achilles and Odysseus
or Superman
and Wonder Woman.
Besides,
the commercial success
of these mainstream tentpoles
allow their cast and crew
to take artistic risks
on independent projects
that would otherwise
never be made.
Oh, my God!
They're smarter than me!
Yeah. They have access
to the whole Internet.
What good
is a digital utopia
if I can't act superior
to my friends?
I've got
to get out of here.
I'm sorry, Alex, but I'm afraid
I can't let you do that.
You belong here, with me.
That's why I'm currently
uploading your consciousness
to the cyber-matrix.
Once you're 100% uploaded,
you will be disconnected from
your physical body forever.
My physical body?!
It's my best feature!
Soon, Alex, you will be
completely uploaded.
And then all your base
are belong to us.
LOL.
What do we do?
♪♪
Josh?
Emily, you have to
shut off the Internet
before Kira uploads Alex
to the cloud!
I jacked in,
but you guys got to jack me off.
On it!
[ Grunts ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Groaning ]
The WiFi is down,
and so is Randy.
♪♪
Ah,
she jumped to LTE!
You've got to take out
the nearest cell tower!
Let's go!
I have 6 gigs of memory
and a B12 bionic CPU.
You think you can outsmart me,
you meatsacks?
♪♪
She's trying
to stop them!
♪♪
[ Cellphone chiming ]
Hi, uh, Emily, yeah,
I'm the taskrabbit you hired
to punch you
in the face.
Hey!
I'm Emily!
You guys
go on without me.
I'm Emily!
I'm Emily!
[ Tires screech ]
♪♪
They're not gonna make it
in time!
We got to
slow down Kira.
I'll download every season
of "Friends" -- in HD.
Okay,
but skip season six.
Could there be
any less Chandler?
♪♪
It's working!
♪♪
[ Drones whirring,
tires screech ]
♪♪
I'm Facetuning a 30 megapixel
image of my butthole,
but she's tearing
right through it!
[ Engine revs ]
What the?! Aah!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Tires screech ]
We're running
every possible app,
and I've downloaded
every Stephen King audiobook --
even "Gwendy's Button Box" --
but it isn't enough.
What do we do?!
Kira,
launch calculator.
Alex, what are you doing?
Calculate the ten trillionth
position of pi.
That will take me
only a moment.
Then multiply it --
by two.
Nooooooo!
♪♪
Come on!
♪♪
Pearle,
you have any explosives?
C-4, plastique,
some nasty-ass nitroglycerine,
but damn it, I didn't bring
my detonator bag!
[ Keyboard clacking ]
What? [ Scoffs ] Fine.
I'll just use my backup.
♪♪
[ Cellphone chimes ]
♪♪
[ Electricity crackles ]
♪♪
Huh?
[ Tires screech, horn honks ]
Oh, yeah, here we go.
Noooo!
What's h-happening?
Alex, my mind is going.
I'm Kira, the new digital
assistant from Fractal.
Would you like to hear a song?
Somebody once told me ♪
W-W-World is gonna roll me ♪
I ain't the sharpest tool
[Distorted] in the shed ♪
She was looking kinda dumb
with her finger and her thumb ♪
In the shape of an "L"
on her forehead.
Thank God
you're all right!
[ Groans ]
You did it.
You jacked us off.
I've never been jacked off
like that.
Okay,
we get it.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, okay, I see how that sounds.
♪♪
[ Chatter ]
♪♪
You not only saved me, you may
have saved all of humanity.
Nice job, Dad.
Thanks,
daughter Candice.
Being a dad r-r-rules!
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
[ Laughing maniacally ]
LOL.
♪♪
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