Code Monkeys (2007) s02e03 Episode Script
My Pal Jodie
1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Mary: I can't believe
Mr. Larrity's gonna be on TV
with the president.
Clarence: This is so exciting!
How do I look? ♪
- You look gay.
- Thank you ♪
Clarence: Then my protein
diet shake is working ♪
Jerry: Dude, how did we win
the presidential medal
for children's entertainment?
Dave: By creating a little game
called Downed Power Line.
Ride the Whip.
Very educational.
Clare: Turn that off.
Mr. Larrity's gonna be on.
Reporter: The president is now
walking from the hotel
to his car. He's on his way
to the Educational Entertainment
ceremony to present the award
for achievement
in educational media.
Ronald Reagan: Thank you,
and good to see you.
Man: Hey, Reagan, this is
for my pal Jodie.
[Gunshots]
[Screaming]
Man: The president's been shot!
Reagan: Quit it.
Dean: Holy crap! Why is my dad
in a video game?
Get out of there, bro!
[Gunshots continue]
Larrity: No! Sorry, kid.
Freedom ain't free.
John Hinckley:
See that, Jodie Foster?
Are you impressed?
I love you, Jodie!
Dave: I'm a little impressed.
Reporter: Ladies and gentlemen,
the president has been shot.
I repeat,
the president has been shot.
Larrity: Hey, did you see
me out there?
I tried to draw fire
with the child
to save the president.
I'm an American hero1
Reporter: But what about
the child's welfare?
Larrity: Typical liberal media
advocating the rights
of children!
Take this, Pinko!
Police found the Wham! single
"Careless Whisper" on Hinckley
as well as a video game
called My Pal Jodie,
a game in which a player kills
a world leader
to impress actress
Jodie Foster.
Jerry: Oh, my gosh, Dave!
That's your game!
Dave: There's no such thing
as bad press, dude.
Just ask Charles Manson.
- Yah!
Dean: I like that one part
of the movie
where Reagan was all like
"Quit shooting me, bro! Oww!"
That was funny.
Larrity: Hey, everybody.
You see me on TV?
I am a goldarn hero.
I think you might be
confused
about what the definition
of a hero is.
- Who's the new fella?
- That's Mary, dude.
Oh, yeah. Blech!
Oh, well!
Ain't nothin' gonna bring
me down from this high.
Mr. Larrity, the
Service Secrets are here,
and they want to
talk to you or something.
Larrity: They must be here
to give me my medal for bravery.
Yee-ha!
Man: Who in here
is responsible
for the video game
My Pal Jodie?
Dave: Me, dude.
If you want me to sign a copy,
it'll be $50 signing fee
payable now, cash.
Unless you've got dope,
in which case, let's burn.
Man: What the hell caused you
to create the game?
Dave: Ah, yes,
I remember that pitch.
I remember it well.
As I recall,
I was incredibly stoned
when I developed
You see, my game is about
impressing
Jodie Foster!
If you do enough backflips,
you impress Jodie Foster.
Isn't that genius?
But Jodie won't be
impressed for long.
So I thought, "How do you really
impress Jodie Foster?"
I got it. Shoot a [bleep]
world leader.
It's so [bleep] simple.
It was starin' me right there
in the face.
So then I put it
on the screen,
and that is how you win.
You're welcome.
Todd: I must admit, I tried
to impress Jodie Foster often.
I gave her flowers,
I bought her chocolates,
created the pet food
scare of '82.
I just thought if her
cat got sick
and I had
the only antidote,
it's only natural
that I'd be her hero.
Mary: Todd, 300 cats died.
Todd: Oh, Mary, you slut.
That is a small price to pay
for love.
Larrity: I love the game, Davey!
Here's your Christmas bonus.
Yee-ha!
Dave: Yeah, you like that
gold bars, don't you?
Take it, take it, take it.
Yeah, take it all,
you golden pile of
South African butt sluts!
Jerry: Dave, cut it out.
Man: At the time of the attack,
John Hinckley was carrying
a copy of your game.
You might as well have shot
the president yourself, son.
Dave: Wait a minute, dude.
My game is about a world leader
named Ray-gun--
gun, g-u-n.
That is totally different
from President Reagan.
Man: We need you to come with us
and answer some questions, sir.
Clare: Wait. Are you
taking him to jail?
I like bad boys.
Hi, Dave.
Dave: If you all
have any questions,
please address them
to Wrath of Bong.
Only he knows
why I do things.
Isn't that right,
Wrath of Bong?
Wrath of Bong!
Wrath of Bong!
I bought this bong
at a cantina on
Todd: Aah! Dave,
once again mixing mythologies.
[Zap]
Man: I said come with us.
Dave: Aah! Ohh!
Great. Now I'm not
drunk anymore.
[Zap]
Yes, that is better!
That is what
I'm talkin' about!
I'm live at the Rapeville
Penitentiary,
where John Hinckley and Dave
are awaiting trial
for the attempted assassination
of President Reagan.
I have just been given
the exclusive
that a third man is wanted
in the case--
George Michael of Wham!
His single "Careless Whisper"
was found on Hinckley,
leading some to refer
to the defendants
as the Sunnyvale Three.
Warden: [Indistinct]
the Sunnyvale Three.
Also coined the phrase
"punk'in a biaatch,"
which I have registered
with the Library of Congress.
Reporter: I see. Warden, if the
Sunnyvale 3 are convicted,
Gameavision head Big T Larrity
stands to lose everything
in the inevitable civil suits
brought by Jodie Foster
and President Reagan.
Though your thoughts have no
bearing on the facts,
I wonder if you'd like to make
an uninformed comment.
Warden:
I also invented murder.
Reporter: Wonderful.
Back to you, Dawn.
Officer: Are you sure
this is the place?
This is what is listed
as his residence
I the United States.
George Michael,
we have you surrounded!
Please come out,
or we will shoot you repeatedly.
George Michael! Come out
and keep your hands
where we can see 'em!
Hardballs, eh?
We're goin' in.
Go! Go! Go!
[Crash]
Officer: George Michael,
you are hereby formally accused
of writing and performing
the song which abetted
the attempted assassination
of President Reagan.
George: What's this all about?
Officer: It's about a very,
very careless whisper.
And you're gonna go away
for a long time.
George: Can you just
give me a second?
Randy, can you get
down here, please?
All right, then.
What can I do for you?
Larrity: All right, people.
We gots to cover our tracks.
If anybody asks
where Dave is,
you just say, "Who? I don't know
what you're talkin' about."
Moving on,
Dave never existed.
But if he did, he created
that game on his own
and snuck it into production.
Mary: But if Dave gets busted,
won't it look bad for
Gameavision?
Larrity: I appreciate
your concern, fella.
Mary: Hello! Breasts!
Larrity: Lay off the
cream pies, chunky.
Mary: Mother
Jerry: Dave's been my partner
for years.
We can't just sell him down the
river when times get tough.
Larrity: Dang it, Jerry!
This don't concern you!
Besides, I got no connection
to this game.
Dean: But, bro, what about
this commercial that we made?
Larrity: Howdy, kids!
How would you like to date
a sexy, available Hollywood
actress like Jodie Foster?
You think she's gonna
date somebody
who ain't killed
a world leader?
No sirree Bob.
Well, you gots to impress her
by playing My Pal Jodie,
a new game
from Gameavision.
Now Miss Foster
will be impressed
by you doing such things
as back flips,
setting wildfires--
she loves it!--
and by killing the evil
world leader Ray-gun.
Ow! That's gotta hurt.
Buy it today.
My name's Big T Larrity,
and it's world leader
killing time.
Woman: Players confused by
the seeming lack of patriotism
and/or humanity involved in
marketing a game
about killing a world leader
should understand
that this game is actually
an endorsement
of the U.S. economic policy
and that it values profit motive
above human life and dignity.
Thank you and enjoy.
Larrity: My Pal Jodie
from Gameavision.
Yee-ha!
Goldurn it! This game's gonna
drain my meatballs
like a Swedish
fashion student.
Dean: Dad, talk to me, bro.
We're screwed!
When Dave loses this case, the
company's gonna be held liable
and I'm gonna lose
all my sweet, sweet money!
I'd rather be dead and rich
than poor and alive.
Hold up, Big T, wait!
I'm too handsome for
a face shot.
Come to think of it,
only ugly people commit suicide.
Whew! You dodged a bullet
there, Dean-o.
You won't have to be scarred
by seeing your old man
take his own life.
Scarred like I was when
grandpappy hung himself
at my preschool
Christmas pageant.
- That's cool.
- No. There's a better way.
Hey, ugly. Get my
legal team on the phone.
- Lookin' good, Davey!
- Thanks, dude.
You know, this jail thing's
kind of like summer camp
except with lots of rape
and a lot less sun.
Jerry: Damn it, Dave. You have
to take this seriously.
This trial could
ruin your life!
- What trial?
- Dave!
Larrity: Calm down, Jerry.
If these lawyer boys
know what's good for 'em,
they gonna help us out.
Ain't that right, Cochran?
Johnnie: I'm not very happy
with this arrangement.
Larrity: I had no choice.
Your fee structure is
ri-goshdarn-diculous!
Johnnie: Fine, but I want my
grandma returned safe.
Larrity: All in good time.
Alan Dershowitz?
- Yes?
Alan, now you confuse me.
I want to love you
'cause you defended pornography
but I also want to kill you
'cause you love animals.
Alan: I am a complicated man.
Larrity: As long as we're clear
on the deal.
You win this case for free,
or I'm gonna let
the whole wide world see them
naked pictures of your doll.
Alan: I said it's a deal!
Larrity: And this cowpoke is
my favorite heartless bastard.
Melvin Belli!
Melvin: I am Gorgon.
Who has summoned me here?
Larrity: Me--Big T.
I summoned you.
Melvin: Call me Gorgon.
Larrity: Only if you win.
Dave, I pulled a couple strings
to make sure you were tried
in the best court
in the land.
Man: I'm Doug Llewelyn, and
this is "The People's Court."
These are the defendants:
John Hinckley,
Wham!'s George Michael,
and Dave, a video game
programmer from Gameavision.
They're all on trial for the
attempted assassination
of President Ronald Reagan.
And for the plaintiff, we have
lawyer Ben Matlock
Mr. Matlock is suing
on behalf of the president
for attempted assassination.
He seeks $975.10 for the loss
of a day's wages
and the bullet damage
to the president's suit.
Will the shooter
shoot straight,
or will the plaintiff Mayberry
the defense?
Find out in the case of the
Prezy Dos and the Prezy Don'ts.
Man: Doug Llewelyn
is so doable ♪
Black Steve: Who the [bleep] is
Doug Llewelyn?
Rusty: Please rise.
The honorable Joseph A. Wapner
now presiding.
Melvin: Your Honor, I am Gorgon.
This expert witness will show
that video games and violence
have no connection.
Please state your name.
Man: My name is Howell Ivy.
I designed the Death Race game.
Melvin: Gorgon asks. The
original name of your game
was Pedestrian,
was it not?
Howell: Yes. My game is about
running people over.
Many people have
played my game
and never ran anyone over.
I personally have
run people over,
but that's just what I do.
Matlock: I object!
the witness is
a pea-brained simpleton
with no more sense than a
possum pie in a raccoon den.
Judge: Sustained
and charmed.
Melvin: Gorgon is impressed
as well.
No further questions,
Your Honor.
Dave: Yeah, go outside
and start up the car, buddy.
I'm almost out of here.
Melvin: Gorgon calls
Wrath of Bong to the stand.
Wrath of Bong,
is it not true
that you directly
ordered my client
to make the game
My Pal Jodie?
Gorgon states that
this witness is not cooperating.
Judge: I find the Wrath of Bong
to be in contempt of court.
Bailiff, load the witness
and bring him to my chambers.
Dave: Wrath of Bong! Noooo!
Mary: This is better than sex.
Black Steve: Then you been
doing it wrong.
Matlock: Your Honor,
my next witness will establish
that Mr. Hinckley was at
the scene of the crime,
but more importantly
that the game created by Dave
was responsible for
his actions.
Rusty: The state calls
Travis Bickle to the stand.
Matlock: Please state your
relationship to the defendant
John Hinckley.
Travis: He got in my cab.
You know, I'm a taxi driver.
So I go all over--
Sunnyvale, San Jose,
Cupertino--
don't matter to me.
All the freaks
come out at night--
pushers, pimps,
tech guys, programmers.
Someday, a great
cleansing smog's gonna roll in
you know, and, um
once, I saw a picture
of a commune.
You know, it didn't
look too clean,
so I decided not to go.
Matlock: Dang it, boy!
Stop that!
Now, did John Hinckley say
where he was going
when you picked him up?
Travis: He said he was gonna
go kill the president,
but you know, I don't listen
to people in my cab.
I don't really know nothin',
so I dropped him off
at the Hilton.
Matlock: No further questions,
Your Honor.
Travis: I got a permit
for some of those!
Judge: Settle down.
10 minute recess.
Jerry: I don't know, Dave.
Gorgon and Dershowitz
are doing nothing to help you.
- Wait, who?
- Um, your lawyers, Dave?
Dave: Oh, yeah,
those guys.
Jerry: At this point,
your only hope
is to plead insanity.
Dave: Dude, I'm the only person
in this whole place
who isn't insane.
Jerry: No, Dave, it just means
that you weren't capable
of knowing right from wrong
at the time you made the game.
Dave: No, Jerry.
I know right from wrong.
Occasionally, I choose--
well, I mean a lot--
I choose to ignore
that knowledge,
like when I gave Todd
a roofie
and left him
at the Purple Helmet
or when I called Clare and
pretended to be her dead father.
Those things
were definitely wrong,
but they were wrong
by choice, dude.
This time, I didn't do
anything wrong
except use drugs
to do my job
and make an extremely violent
video game.
And that's not a crime, dude.
That's America.
Jerry: Actually, doing drugs
is a crime, Dave.
Dave: It is?
When did that happen?
Hmm. That's weird.
- Just tell them you're crazy.
[Todd vomiting]
Dave: No, because you know
what's crazy? That dude.
John: Can I play
with you guys?
I want to pretend I'm on a boat
made out of Jodie Foster.
Dave: Hey, Todd, Hinckley wants
to play with you.
Todd: What is it?
John: I'm pretending
I'm on a boat
made out of Jodie Foster.
Todd: Ah, role play! Yes!
It's been said more than once
that I'm somewhat of a master.
Let's roll the die.
And away we go.
Into what wonderful land
is this adventure taking us?
John: I'm pretending I'm on a
boat made out of Jodie Foster.
Todd: Yes, you said that.
It's not a complex campaign,
but then again, you're the
closest friend I've ever had,
so row and stroke.
John: Boat Jodie wants you
out of her.
Todd: Very well.
I knew it couldn't last.
Ah, cruel fate.
You've tipped your hat again.
Welcome home, Jodie.
Thanks, Jodie.
Jodie, did you
pee in the sink?
Johnnie: Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
the accused are all white.
Jodie Foster is white.
And the president, Ronald
Reagan, is also white.
No jury in his right mind
can be oblivious
to the deleterious effect
that a lifetime of whiteness
has had on all involved.
Matlock: Objection, dang it!
Mr. Cochran is obviously
playing the race card--uhh! Aah!
Opie: I think Pa's having
a stroke. Call an ambulance.
Judge: Motion denied.
I want to see where
he's going with this.
Todd: Psst! Hey! Psst!
- What?
- You're doing great!
John: That guy's really weird.
Doug: I'm standing here
with Andrew Ridgeley of Wham!
He wants to remind everyone that
George Michael
is only one half
of the super group Wham!
Andrew: George Michael is
a manky, grotty wanker.
First of all, he's stealin'
all me press!
Second of all, I'm the one
who thought of the title
"Careless Whisper."
He wanted to call it
"Imprudent Murmur."
Ha! That's not sexy, baby.
Doug: I, for one,
cannot understand this man,
but his charm
transcends language.
Let's get back to the action.
Johnnie: I'd like to call
a character witness.
The defense calls Todd
to the stand.
Jerry: Oh, no.
Johnnie: What can you tell us
about your good pal Dave?
Todd: Well, I will say this
about Dave.
He is a bully.
He is a bore.
He is a subpar
programmer,
not to mention slow-witted.
And I would not be surprised
if he was behind
the entire assassination plot
from the start!
Johnnie: Permission to treat
this witness as hostile,
Your Honor.
Todd: And as for
George Michael,
when I whisper, sir,
I am very careful,
and I suggest you do the same.
John Hinckley, however,
is a fine and decent man,
guilty only of having
chiseled features.
Johnnie: Isn't it true
that like Dave,
Hinckley, and Judge Wapner,
you too are white?
Todd: Ha! That
is where you are wrong, sir.
I am 1/8 Hobbit.
[Courtroom gasps]
Johnnie: No further questions.
Todd: Hinckley, you and I
should seriously hang out.
- You're awesome.
- Yeah, I'm pretty busy.
Dave: Now, for some reason,
and I'll never know what it is,
my lawyers have allowed me to
make my own closing arguments.
Do you mind if I make
myself more comfortable?
- I'll allow it.
- Thank you.
Look, people, everyone knows
that chicks like Jodie Foster
love flips.
They also like wildfires
and assassinations.
I'm kidding!
More than kidding, really.
I'm making a critical statement
about violence in entertainment.
Larrity: That' boy's a genius.
Dave: Just because some moron
reenacts my game,
that doesn't make it
my fault.
Games don't cause violence.
Crazy, selfish people
with no conscience
or understanding of reality
cause violence--
people like John Hinckley
and Ronald Reagan.
Travis: Makes a lot of sense.
Dave: Let me make this even more
clear with some concrete
examples.
Let's say I'm a volunteer
at a suicide hotline.
Some loser calls up and he says
he wants to kill himself.
I say, "Go ahead,"
and he does it.
Should I still be paid?
I think so.
But wait. OK, here.
Let's say I get wasted and drive
my car into my own living room.
What kind of insurance
claim do I file?
None, because insurance
is for pussies.
No, wait. That's bad, too.
Give me a second.
I'll get this one.
[Judge banging gavel]
Order in the court!
I have reached a decision.
And if you haven't noticed,
the jury is just for show.
Cardboard cutouts.
My decision is this--
Clearly, Hinckley is not
guilty
[Courtroom gasps]
by reason of being a moron.
Todd: Ah! We'll be celebrating
at the medieval buffet
in a matter of hours,
my friend.
Judge: Mr. Hinckley shall be
placed in a psychiatric hospital
until he gets limited
home visits in 1999,
one year before
the end of time.
John: Thank you, God.
Todd: I will wait for you!
Judge: Now for
George Michael
George: I just gotta have faith.
I've gotta have faith.
Judge: Mr. Michael, you are
guilty of "Careless Whisperer"
being a horrible song.
I impose the maximum sentence--
death.
[Courtroom gasps]
Rusty.
[Gunshot]
As for Dave
It's obvious that this game
caused the assassination
attempt.
Jerry: No!
Judge: Order in the court!
My decision will rest
on one item--
whether Hinckley can
present a receipt
for the purchase
of My Pal Jodie.
Matlock: Object! The game was
clearly on Hinckley's person.
He said it inspired him.
It's irrelevant
how he got it.
Judge: Have you never seen
"The People's Court," sir?
It always hinges on whether or
not you have the receipt.
And in this case,
there is no proof
that Hinckley
bought the game.
My judgment is
for the defense.
Dave, you are free to go.
Dave: Yes! Sweet justice
at last.
Doug: Mr. Matlock,
in your opinion,
was justice served?
Matlock: The only thing that was
served in this case
was more bullcrap than a cow
made of turds
that sleeps in crap
and eats [bleep]!
Doug: So what's the next
step for you?
Matlock: Mmm, gonna spend a lot
of time with my family.
Gonna spend a lot of time
having strokes.
Doug: Indeed. And, Dave, how do
you feel about the verdict?
What do you think about the
president and the prosecution?
Dave: Those guys are gay.
Whoa, Doug!
Where'd you get that jacket?
- Oh, the show gave it to me.
What about upcoming
game designs?
Any lessons learned?
Dave: I have some hot ideas,
Doug. Not gonna lie to you.
First is an educational game
called Drink the Kool-Aid.
And second is one I've been
working on for a while.
I like to call it
Male Bomber.
Todd: You need a ride to
the psychiatric hospital?
'Cause my mom's
got the car running.
She's right outside.
John; No, thanks, man.
Todd: Well, hey, we could
always be pen pals, right?
John: Let's play it by ear.
Todd: Wait! I don't have
your phone number!
Todd: Thanks for letting me come
to visit you again.
John: You really
freaked me out,
so promise this is
the last time.
Todd: Of course. I just thought
you wanted to know
that I have expanded the game
play elements significantly.
You can be either Jodie
or you can be Jodie's sandwich.
But I much prefer
the sandwich role
because then you may enter
her alimentary canal,
which allows for
separate adventures
in both the mouth, esophagus,
stomach, and duodenum.
John: Please let me down.
No. No, I will not.
Now, as the sandwich, you have
several choices of condiments.
Dave: None, because insurance
is for pussies.
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Mary: I can't believe
Mr. Larrity's gonna be on TV
with the president.
Clarence: This is so exciting!
How do I look? ♪
- You look gay.
- Thank you ♪
Clarence: Then my protein
diet shake is working ♪
Jerry: Dude, how did we win
the presidential medal
for children's entertainment?
Dave: By creating a little game
called Downed Power Line.
Ride the Whip.
Very educational.
Clare: Turn that off.
Mr. Larrity's gonna be on.
Reporter: The president is now
walking from the hotel
to his car. He's on his way
to the Educational Entertainment
ceremony to present the award
for achievement
in educational media.
Ronald Reagan: Thank you,
and good to see you.
Man: Hey, Reagan, this is
for my pal Jodie.
[Gunshots]
[Screaming]
Man: The president's been shot!
Reagan: Quit it.
Dean: Holy crap! Why is my dad
in a video game?
Get out of there, bro!
[Gunshots continue]
Larrity: No! Sorry, kid.
Freedom ain't free.
John Hinckley:
See that, Jodie Foster?
Are you impressed?
I love you, Jodie!
Dave: I'm a little impressed.
Reporter: Ladies and gentlemen,
the president has been shot.
I repeat,
the president has been shot.
Larrity: Hey, did you see
me out there?
I tried to draw fire
with the child
to save the president.
I'm an American hero1
Reporter: But what about
the child's welfare?
Larrity: Typical liberal media
advocating the rights
of children!
Take this, Pinko!
Police found the Wham! single
"Careless Whisper" on Hinckley
as well as a video game
called My Pal Jodie,
a game in which a player kills
a world leader
to impress actress
Jodie Foster.
Jerry: Oh, my gosh, Dave!
That's your game!
Dave: There's no such thing
as bad press, dude.
Just ask Charles Manson.
- Yah!
Dean: I like that one part
of the movie
where Reagan was all like
"Quit shooting me, bro! Oww!"
That was funny.
Larrity: Hey, everybody.
You see me on TV?
I am a goldarn hero.
I think you might be
confused
about what the definition
of a hero is.
- Who's the new fella?
- That's Mary, dude.
Oh, yeah. Blech!
Oh, well!
Ain't nothin' gonna bring
me down from this high.
Mr. Larrity, the
Service Secrets are here,
and they want to
talk to you or something.
Larrity: They must be here
to give me my medal for bravery.
Yee-ha!
Man: Who in here
is responsible
for the video game
My Pal Jodie?
Dave: Me, dude.
If you want me to sign a copy,
it'll be $50 signing fee
payable now, cash.
Unless you've got dope,
in which case, let's burn.
Man: What the hell caused you
to create the game?
Dave: Ah, yes,
I remember that pitch.
I remember it well.
As I recall,
I was incredibly stoned
when I developed
You see, my game is about
impressing
Jodie Foster!
If you do enough backflips,
you impress Jodie Foster.
Isn't that genius?
But Jodie won't be
impressed for long.
So I thought, "How do you really
impress Jodie Foster?"
I got it. Shoot a [bleep]
world leader.
It's so [bleep] simple.
It was starin' me right there
in the face.
So then I put it
on the screen,
and that is how you win.
You're welcome.
Todd: I must admit, I tried
to impress Jodie Foster often.
I gave her flowers,
I bought her chocolates,
created the pet food
scare of '82.
I just thought if her
cat got sick
and I had
the only antidote,
it's only natural
that I'd be her hero.
Mary: Todd, 300 cats died.
Todd: Oh, Mary, you slut.
That is a small price to pay
for love.
Larrity: I love the game, Davey!
Here's your Christmas bonus.
Yee-ha!
Dave: Yeah, you like that
gold bars, don't you?
Take it, take it, take it.
Yeah, take it all,
you golden pile of
South African butt sluts!
Jerry: Dave, cut it out.
Man: At the time of the attack,
John Hinckley was carrying
a copy of your game.
You might as well have shot
the president yourself, son.
Dave: Wait a minute, dude.
My game is about a world leader
named Ray-gun--
gun, g-u-n.
That is totally different
from President Reagan.
Man: We need you to come with us
and answer some questions, sir.
Clare: Wait. Are you
taking him to jail?
I like bad boys.
Hi, Dave.
Dave: If you all
have any questions,
please address them
to Wrath of Bong.
Only he knows
why I do things.
Isn't that right,
Wrath of Bong?
Wrath of Bong!
Wrath of Bong!
I bought this bong
at a cantina on
Todd: Aah! Dave,
once again mixing mythologies.
[Zap]
Man: I said come with us.
Dave: Aah! Ohh!
Great. Now I'm not
drunk anymore.
[Zap]
Yes, that is better!
That is what
I'm talkin' about!
I'm live at the Rapeville
Penitentiary,
where John Hinckley and Dave
are awaiting trial
for the attempted assassination
of President Reagan.
I have just been given
the exclusive
that a third man is wanted
in the case--
George Michael of Wham!
His single "Careless Whisper"
was found on Hinckley,
leading some to refer
to the defendants
as the Sunnyvale Three.
Warden: [Indistinct]
the Sunnyvale Three.
Also coined the phrase
"punk'in a biaatch,"
which I have registered
with the Library of Congress.
Reporter: I see. Warden, if the
Sunnyvale 3 are convicted,
Gameavision head Big T Larrity
stands to lose everything
in the inevitable civil suits
brought by Jodie Foster
and President Reagan.
Though your thoughts have no
bearing on the facts,
I wonder if you'd like to make
an uninformed comment.
Warden:
I also invented murder.
Reporter: Wonderful.
Back to you, Dawn.
Officer: Are you sure
this is the place?
This is what is listed
as his residence
I the United States.
George Michael,
we have you surrounded!
Please come out,
or we will shoot you repeatedly.
George Michael! Come out
and keep your hands
where we can see 'em!
Hardballs, eh?
We're goin' in.
Go! Go! Go!
[Crash]
Officer: George Michael,
you are hereby formally accused
of writing and performing
the song which abetted
the attempted assassination
of President Reagan.
George: What's this all about?
Officer: It's about a very,
very careless whisper.
And you're gonna go away
for a long time.
George: Can you just
give me a second?
Randy, can you get
down here, please?
All right, then.
What can I do for you?
Larrity: All right, people.
We gots to cover our tracks.
If anybody asks
where Dave is,
you just say, "Who? I don't know
what you're talkin' about."
Moving on,
Dave never existed.
But if he did, he created
that game on his own
and snuck it into production.
Mary: But if Dave gets busted,
won't it look bad for
Gameavision?
Larrity: I appreciate
your concern, fella.
Mary: Hello! Breasts!
Larrity: Lay off the
cream pies, chunky.
Mary: Mother
Jerry: Dave's been my partner
for years.
We can't just sell him down the
river when times get tough.
Larrity: Dang it, Jerry!
This don't concern you!
Besides, I got no connection
to this game.
Dean: But, bro, what about
this commercial that we made?
Larrity: Howdy, kids!
How would you like to date
a sexy, available Hollywood
actress like Jodie Foster?
You think she's gonna
date somebody
who ain't killed
a world leader?
No sirree Bob.
Well, you gots to impress her
by playing My Pal Jodie,
a new game
from Gameavision.
Now Miss Foster
will be impressed
by you doing such things
as back flips,
setting wildfires--
she loves it!--
and by killing the evil
world leader Ray-gun.
Ow! That's gotta hurt.
Buy it today.
My name's Big T Larrity,
and it's world leader
killing time.
Woman: Players confused by
the seeming lack of patriotism
and/or humanity involved in
marketing a game
about killing a world leader
should understand
that this game is actually
an endorsement
of the U.S. economic policy
and that it values profit motive
above human life and dignity.
Thank you and enjoy.
Larrity: My Pal Jodie
from Gameavision.
Yee-ha!
Goldurn it! This game's gonna
drain my meatballs
like a Swedish
fashion student.
Dean: Dad, talk to me, bro.
We're screwed!
When Dave loses this case, the
company's gonna be held liable
and I'm gonna lose
all my sweet, sweet money!
I'd rather be dead and rich
than poor and alive.
Hold up, Big T, wait!
I'm too handsome for
a face shot.
Come to think of it,
only ugly people commit suicide.
Whew! You dodged a bullet
there, Dean-o.
You won't have to be scarred
by seeing your old man
take his own life.
Scarred like I was when
grandpappy hung himself
at my preschool
Christmas pageant.
- That's cool.
- No. There's a better way.
Hey, ugly. Get my
legal team on the phone.
- Lookin' good, Davey!
- Thanks, dude.
You know, this jail thing's
kind of like summer camp
except with lots of rape
and a lot less sun.
Jerry: Damn it, Dave. You have
to take this seriously.
This trial could
ruin your life!
- What trial?
- Dave!
Larrity: Calm down, Jerry.
If these lawyer boys
know what's good for 'em,
they gonna help us out.
Ain't that right, Cochran?
Johnnie: I'm not very happy
with this arrangement.
Larrity: I had no choice.
Your fee structure is
ri-goshdarn-diculous!
Johnnie: Fine, but I want my
grandma returned safe.
Larrity: All in good time.
Alan Dershowitz?
- Yes?
Alan, now you confuse me.
I want to love you
'cause you defended pornography
but I also want to kill you
'cause you love animals.
Alan: I am a complicated man.
Larrity: As long as we're clear
on the deal.
You win this case for free,
or I'm gonna let
the whole wide world see them
naked pictures of your doll.
Alan: I said it's a deal!
Larrity: And this cowpoke is
my favorite heartless bastard.
Melvin Belli!
Melvin: I am Gorgon.
Who has summoned me here?
Larrity: Me--Big T.
I summoned you.
Melvin: Call me Gorgon.
Larrity: Only if you win.
Dave, I pulled a couple strings
to make sure you were tried
in the best court
in the land.
Man: I'm Doug Llewelyn, and
this is "The People's Court."
These are the defendants:
John Hinckley,
Wham!'s George Michael,
and Dave, a video game
programmer from Gameavision.
They're all on trial for the
attempted assassination
of President Ronald Reagan.
And for the plaintiff, we have
lawyer Ben Matlock
Mr. Matlock is suing
on behalf of the president
for attempted assassination.
He seeks $975.10 for the loss
of a day's wages
and the bullet damage
to the president's suit.
Will the shooter
shoot straight,
or will the plaintiff Mayberry
the defense?
Find out in the case of the
Prezy Dos and the Prezy Don'ts.
Man: Doug Llewelyn
is so doable ♪
Black Steve: Who the [bleep] is
Doug Llewelyn?
Rusty: Please rise.
The honorable Joseph A. Wapner
now presiding.
Melvin: Your Honor, I am Gorgon.
This expert witness will show
that video games and violence
have no connection.
Please state your name.
Man: My name is Howell Ivy.
I designed the Death Race game.
Melvin: Gorgon asks. The
original name of your game
was Pedestrian,
was it not?
Howell: Yes. My game is about
running people over.
Many people have
played my game
and never ran anyone over.
I personally have
run people over,
but that's just what I do.
Matlock: I object!
the witness is
a pea-brained simpleton
with no more sense than a
possum pie in a raccoon den.
Judge: Sustained
and charmed.
Melvin: Gorgon is impressed
as well.
No further questions,
Your Honor.
Dave: Yeah, go outside
and start up the car, buddy.
I'm almost out of here.
Melvin: Gorgon calls
Wrath of Bong to the stand.
Wrath of Bong,
is it not true
that you directly
ordered my client
to make the game
My Pal Jodie?
Gorgon states that
this witness is not cooperating.
Judge: I find the Wrath of Bong
to be in contempt of court.
Bailiff, load the witness
and bring him to my chambers.
Dave: Wrath of Bong! Noooo!
Mary: This is better than sex.
Black Steve: Then you been
doing it wrong.
Matlock: Your Honor,
my next witness will establish
that Mr. Hinckley was at
the scene of the crime,
but more importantly
that the game created by Dave
was responsible for
his actions.
Rusty: The state calls
Travis Bickle to the stand.
Matlock: Please state your
relationship to the defendant
John Hinckley.
Travis: He got in my cab.
You know, I'm a taxi driver.
So I go all over--
Sunnyvale, San Jose,
Cupertino--
don't matter to me.
All the freaks
come out at night--
pushers, pimps,
tech guys, programmers.
Someday, a great
cleansing smog's gonna roll in
you know, and, um
once, I saw a picture
of a commune.
You know, it didn't
look too clean,
so I decided not to go.
Matlock: Dang it, boy!
Stop that!
Now, did John Hinckley say
where he was going
when you picked him up?
Travis: He said he was gonna
go kill the president,
but you know, I don't listen
to people in my cab.
I don't really know nothin',
so I dropped him off
at the Hilton.
Matlock: No further questions,
Your Honor.
Travis: I got a permit
for some of those!
Judge: Settle down.
10 minute recess.
Jerry: I don't know, Dave.
Gorgon and Dershowitz
are doing nothing to help you.
- Wait, who?
- Um, your lawyers, Dave?
Dave: Oh, yeah,
those guys.
Jerry: At this point,
your only hope
is to plead insanity.
Dave: Dude, I'm the only person
in this whole place
who isn't insane.
Jerry: No, Dave, it just means
that you weren't capable
of knowing right from wrong
at the time you made the game.
Dave: No, Jerry.
I know right from wrong.
Occasionally, I choose--
well, I mean a lot--
I choose to ignore
that knowledge,
like when I gave Todd
a roofie
and left him
at the Purple Helmet
or when I called Clare and
pretended to be her dead father.
Those things
were definitely wrong,
but they were wrong
by choice, dude.
This time, I didn't do
anything wrong
except use drugs
to do my job
and make an extremely violent
video game.
And that's not a crime, dude.
That's America.
Jerry: Actually, doing drugs
is a crime, Dave.
Dave: It is?
When did that happen?
Hmm. That's weird.
- Just tell them you're crazy.
[Todd vomiting]
Dave: No, because you know
what's crazy? That dude.
John: Can I play
with you guys?
I want to pretend I'm on a boat
made out of Jodie Foster.
Dave: Hey, Todd, Hinckley wants
to play with you.
Todd: What is it?
John: I'm pretending
I'm on a boat
made out of Jodie Foster.
Todd: Ah, role play! Yes!
It's been said more than once
that I'm somewhat of a master.
Let's roll the die.
And away we go.
Into what wonderful land
is this adventure taking us?
John: I'm pretending I'm on a
boat made out of Jodie Foster.
Todd: Yes, you said that.
It's not a complex campaign,
but then again, you're the
closest friend I've ever had,
so row and stroke.
John: Boat Jodie wants you
out of her.
Todd: Very well.
I knew it couldn't last.
Ah, cruel fate.
You've tipped your hat again.
Welcome home, Jodie.
Thanks, Jodie.
Jodie, did you
pee in the sink?
Johnnie: Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
the accused are all white.
Jodie Foster is white.
And the president, Ronald
Reagan, is also white.
No jury in his right mind
can be oblivious
to the deleterious effect
that a lifetime of whiteness
has had on all involved.
Matlock: Objection, dang it!
Mr. Cochran is obviously
playing the race card--uhh! Aah!
Opie: I think Pa's having
a stroke. Call an ambulance.
Judge: Motion denied.
I want to see where
he's going with this.
Todd: Psst! Hey! Psst!
- What?
- You're doing great!
John: That guy's really weird.
Doug: I'm standing here
with Andrew Ridgeley of Wham!
He wants to remind everyone that
George Michael
is only one half
of the super group Wham!
Andrew: George Michael is
a manky, grotty wanker.
First of all, he's stealin'
all me press!
Second of all, I'm the one
who thought of the title
"Careless Whisper."
He wanted to call it
"Imprudent Murmur."
Ha! That's not sexy, baby.
Doug: I, for one,
cannot understand this man,
but his charm
transcends language.
Let's get back to the action.
Johnnie: I'd like to call
a character witness.
The defense calls Todd
to the stand.
Jerry: Oh, no.
Johnnie: What can you tell us
about your good pal Dave?
Todd: Well, I will say this
about Dave.
He is a bully.
He is a bore.
He is a subpar
programmer,
not to mention slow-witted.
And I would not be surprised
if he was behind
the entire assassination plot
from the start!
Johnnie: Permission to treat
this witness as hostile,
Your Honor.
Todd: And as for
George Michael,
when I whisper, sir,
I am very careful,
and I suggest you do the same.
John Hinckley, however,
is a fine and decent man,
guilty only of having
chiseled features.
Johnnie: Isn't it true
that like Dave,
Hinckley, and Judge Wapner,
you too are white?
Todd: Ha! That
is where you are wrong, sir.
I am 1/8 Hobbit.
[Courtroom gasps]
Johnnie: No further questions.
Todd: Hinckley, you and I
should seriously hang out.
- You're awesome.
- Yeah, I'm pretty busy.
Dave: Now, for some reason,
and I'll never know what it is,
my lawyers have allowed me to
make my own closing arguments.
Do you mind if I make
myself more comfortable?
- I'll allow it.
- Thank you.
Look, people, everyone knows
that chicks like Jodie Foster
love flips.
They also like wildfires
and assassinations.
I'm kidding!
More than kidding, really.
I'm making a critical statement
about violence in entertainment.
Larrity: That' boy's a genius.
Dave: Just because some moron
reenacts my game,
that doesn't make it
my fault.
Games don't cause violence.
Crazy, selfish people
with no conscience
or understanding of reality
cause violence--
people like John Hinckley
and Ronald Reagan.
Travis: Makes a lot of sense.
Dave: Let me make this even more
clear with some concrete
examples.
Let's say I'm a volunteer
at a suicide hotline.
Some loser calls up and he says
he wants to kill himself.
I say, "Go ahead,"
and he does it.
Should I still be paid?
I think so.
But wait. OK, here.
Let's say I get wasted and drive
my car into my own living room.
What kind of insurance
claim do I file?
None, because insurance
is for pussies.
No, wait. That's bad, too.
Give me a second.
I'll get this one.
[Judge banging gavel]
Order in the court!
I have reached a decision.
And if you haven't noticed,
the jury is just for show.
Cardboard cutouts.
My decision is this--
Clearly, Hinckley is not
guilty
[Courtroom gasps]
by reason of being a moron.
Todd: Ah! We'll be celebrating
at the medieval buffet
in a matter of hours,
my friend.
Judge: Mr. Hinckley shall be
placed in a psychiatric hospital
until he gets limited
home visits in 1999,
one year before
the end of time.
John: Thank you, God.
Todd: I will wait for you!
Judge: Now for
George Michael
George: I just gotta have faith.
I've gotta have faith.
Judge: Mr. Michael, you are
guilty of "Careless Whisperer"
being a horrible song.
I impose the maximum sentence--
death.
[Courtroom gasps]
Rusty.
[Gunshot]
As for Dave
It's obvious that this game
caused the assassination
attempt.
Jerry: No!
Judge: Order in the court!
My decision will rest
on one item--
whether Hinckley can
present a receipt
for the purchase
of My Pal Jodie.
Matlock: Object! The game was
clearly on Hinckley's person.
He said it inspired him.
It's irrelevant
how he got it.
Judge: Have you never seen
"The People's Court," sir?
It always hinges on whether or
not you have the receipt.
And in this case,
there is no proof
that Hinckley
bought the game.
My judgment is
for the defense.
Dave, you are free to go.
Dave: Yes! Sweet justice
at last.
Doug: Mr. Matlock,
in your opinion,
was justice served?
Matlock: The only thing that was
served in this case
was more bullcrap than a cow
made of turds
that sleeps in crap
and eats [bleep]!
Doug: So what's the next
step for you?
Matlock: Mmm, gonna spend a lot
of time with my family.
Gonna spend a lot of time
having strokes.
Doug: Indeed. And, Dave, how do
you feel about the verdict?
What do you think about the
president and the prosecution?
Dave: Those guys are gay.
Whoa, Doug!
Where'd you get that jacket?
- Oh, the show gave it to me.
What about upcoming
game designs?
Any lessons learned?
Dave: I have some hot ideas,
Doug. Not gonna lie to you.
First is an educational game
called Drink the Kool-Aid.
And second is one I've been
working on for a while.
I like to call it
Male Bomber.
Todd: You need a ride to
the psychiatric hospital?
'Cause my mom's
got the car running.
She's right outside.
John; No, thanks, man.
Todd: Well, hey, we could
always be pen pals, right?
John: Let's play it by ear.
Todd: Wait! I don't have
your phone number!
Todd: Thanks for letting me come
to visit you again.
John: You really
freaked me out,
so promise this is
the last time.
Todd: Of course. I just thought
you wanted to know
that I have expanded the game
play elements significantly.
You can be either Jodie
or you can be Jodie's sandwich.
But I much prefer
the sandwich role
because then you may enter
her alimentary canal,
which allows for
separate adventures
in both the mouth, esophagus,
stomach, and duodenum.
John: Please let me down.
No. No, I will not.
Now, as the sandwich, you have
several choices of condiments.
Dave: None, because insurance
is for pussies.