Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e03 Episode Script

[pounding at the door.]
- Who is that rapping at our chamber door? - 'tis a visitor, I suppose, and nothing more.
- Well, that's--verily-- forsooth.
[both gasp.]
[baby coos.]
Oh.
- "please take care of my baby.
I can't because obamacare.
" - No, we can't take care of a baby.
- Yeah.
[baby cries.]
- Oh, who are we kidding? We can't give this baby To some stupid family that loves it.
We have to take care of it Both: Ourselves.
[upbeat pop music.]
- it's something special and it feels so right - Ooh.
when you smile that smile and you hold me tight I go - "oh, yeah" - it wasn't easy when we started out there were things that we didn't want to talk about but when we cut a deal and we worked it out we went - "oh, yeah" - and now we're so strong together we're so strong and we're gonna hold on to love and never let it go it's taken time to make it but baby, please don't break it and nothing's gonna take it out of-- [sad music and sobbing.]
- Man, it's such a bummer When parents outlive their children.
[quiet sobbing.]
[soul music.]
- [inhales.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Featuring me, reggie watts.
comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, everyone.
Welcome to the show.
We have a great one tonight.
Anna kendrick is here and superstar harrison ford.
That's gonna be good.
I'm scott aukerman, And we have a great show for you tonight.
It's really, really funny.
In fact, it's so funny, That some of you are gonna be just like [laughs.]
[whistle.]
Meanwhile, others of you will be like "ohh! What?" [laughs.]
[whistle.]
And I know one very special viewer will be all "I missed the lakers game for this?" - Is that supposed to be jack nicholson? - Oh, yeah, you got it.
[chuckles.]
Speaking of laughs, let's say hello to the man Who gives us up to three laughs per show, reggie watts.
[loud blending.]
Reggie! That's not music, that's a-- that's a blender! - No, this is a bahama mama maker.
[ice rattle, ding.]
- Could you make me a margarita? - I don't see how I possibly could.
The bahama mama maker mixes rum, ice, and fruit juices To create an island flavor you have to savor.
- Couldn't you just substitute tequila? [ominous music.]
- What would I do with the ice? - Maybe swap the fruit-- - Do you want me to make you a bahama mama or not? - Yes, please.
Thank you! All right, well, it's time for one of our favorite features On the show-- Thanks, reg.
Print journalism isn't dead, It's just in need of a brain scan.
It's time for "wacky headlines.
" - wacky headlines wacky headlines wacky headlines wacky headlines [single discordant chord.]
- All right, let's get to that first headline.
"30 die in 'flooo-d.
'" "flooo-d!" [laughs.]
What's a "flooo-d," and how do you die in one? That's what I want to know.
Ah, they print these things, I just read 'em.
Let's see here.
"pressy daint vizhi tess wound-ed solids at wal-mart.
" - Scott, you don't know how to read.
- No.
But It's high time I learned.
[uplifting music.]
All right, done.
Well, now, where were we? "30 die in flood"? Information about her can be found At wikipedia.
Org/wiki/ annaókendrick! Please welcome anna-- [blender stops.]
Anna kendrick.
[tropical music.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
Hi.
[music ends abruptly.]
- oh.
- Thank you for the music.
- That one cut off quickly.
Wow.
Give us a little more of that.
- What's that make you want to do? - Um, get drunk.
- Well, I mean, we have a bahama mama maker here.
Reggie, a mama for "ah-na"? Well, I know your name is anna, but it rhymes If I say "mama" for-- [blender blending.]
- Right.
I get it.
- "ah-na.
" Okay.
- It's understandable.
- Yeah, totally.
[blender stops.]
This is gonna be good.
- It looks really good.
- That's the sign of a good drink, is chunkiness.
- When it's chunky, yeah.
Thank you.
- It's from the islands.
- Thank you so much.
- Enjoy.
[laughs.]
[tropical music.]
[music ends abruptly.]
- Okay.
- All right.
- I'm ready.
- All right, here we go.
Anna, you're a great actress.
I've loved all of your movies.
- Thank you.
- Um, but you're also A very talented singer.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Yeah, so why don't we start the interview By doing a little vocal warm-up, all right? Let's begin.
[scaling.]
dah dah dah dah dah dah dah Now you.
- Um-- [clears throat.]
dah dah dah dah dah dah dah bah dah doo doo bap bah dee dee doo doo boppity bah dup bah bah bah dah dah bap pbbt! - Um [hesitantly.]
dah bah dah bah bah bah dah bah dah bah dah - Very good.
- Okay.
- Very good.
So anna, How long have you been singing? - When I was a kid, I did a production of annie When I was, like, six years old.
- Oh, really? What'd you play? - Tessie.
She's one of the orphans in the show.
- Tessie? I don't remember tessie.
- She's in it.
Um - Did you make tessie up by any chance? - No.
- No? - No, sh-- - you didn't just run out Onstage while there was a production of annie going on And say, "hey, I'm tessie! I'm annie's best friend! Here's a song I want to sing!" - I didn't say that.
- I'm tessie - I didn't do that.
I auditioned and everything, so - Okay.
So you were in the twilight movies.
- Yeah.
- Do you share the belief Of the chinese that if a vampire came across a sack of rice, That it would have to stop and count every single grain? - I didn't know that was a thing, actually.
- That never came up in the twilight movies? - No.
- Seems like sort of an oversight.
It seems like, you know, maybe a chinese vampire Could have entered at one point, And you know, bella could've, like, Kicked over a bag of rice And then-- - oh, like, as a defense, Or something? That's good.
- Yeah, I'm thinking of doing a reboot, And I'm sure robert pattinson Would return to the role - Mm-hmm.
- To do all five movies again.
- Oh, absolutely.
- But I would just love to see the whole second act Of the movie, so about an hour-- - Just him counting rice.
- Just him counting rice.
I think that's about how long it would take.
- He's got one of those faces.
- He does.
- I'd watch that face just count rice.
- A rice-counting face.
- Yeah.
- They've always said that about him.
- Yeah.
- So, then you were nominated For an academy award for up in the air.
Incredible.
- Yeah, it was amazing.
- Yeah.
- Equally surreal.
My, like, my loser face is really good.
- Oh, I'd love to see it.
- I've had a lot of practice.
Reggie's nominated, and you're like, "wow.
" And then they say "scott's nominated," And you're like, "yeah!" And then scott wins, and you're like, "that's great.
He's such a good guy.
He so deserves it.
" - Do you really think that would happen? - I do think that.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
Sorry, reggie.
- No, no, you're right.
- Okay.
- So have you done any traveling lately? - Yeah, I did some time traveling.
I went back to the past for a while.
- Anna! You didn't interact with anything, did you? Because any minor change Can have major effects on the future.
- No, I didn't do anything big.
I, um, I saved a ram from a hunter's trap - A ram? - [gasps.]
- And I founded an animal sanctuary.
What else? I killed a carpenter.
- You killed someone? - Are you guys seeing this? - A carpenter.
It's not a big deal.
- Jesus was a carpenter.
- Point taken.
I did some good stuff too.
I convinced reggie to join the army.
[dramatic note.]
Oh, and I must confess, I stole a couch off of the set of a tv show.
- [laughs.]
- And a chair.
- Ooh! - Uh, that's about it, though.
Oh, I heard a bang, and I interrupted it.
- You heard a bang? - Yeah.
I heard some bang, and I went over there, And I was like, "keep it down.
" - Was it a big bang? - Yeah.
- Oh, great.
It was the big bang.
Now the universe has disappeared.
Thanks a lot, anna.
- Sorry.
- Gilly.
We'll be right back with harrison ford.
[odd music.]
- Hi, friends.
Here's my reggipe For a great bahama mama you can make at home.
Here's everything you'll need: A bahama mama maker kit And that's it.
First, work in the bahama mama fruit paste.
[gloppy dripping.]
Then, add some rum.
Don't forget the ice.
It's cold Now, it's time to blend.
Just be very careful not to-- [talking obscured by blender.]
Only you can prevent forest fires.
- It's not fair for him to say that that's racist If I didn't know I was being racist.
- Yeah.
Hey, welcome back to the show.
We're here with anna kendrick And we're having a great time, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Reggie, Do you have a question for anna? - Yeah.
Do you think that next year, when things are a lot worse, That people will be a little bit more appreciative Of who they are as people, As opposed to interconnected data points? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Good question.
Thanks, reg.
- Yeah, no problem.
- All right, well, you know, anna, you're a big movie star, And actually, I don't want to brag, But reggie and I are in a movie together.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, and it's getting A lot of really good reviews, And I thought we would show the trailer, so-- - I would love that.
- Can we see that trailer? Is that okay? Uh, it's right over here.
[dramatic music.]
- Critics everywhere are raving.
Movie magazine says - My dad, the godfather, died and left me his mafia, But the last words he said to me were "rosebud," Just like in citizen kane! It's tough running a newspaper and a crime family.
- Dorothy langer of the chicago daily says - Remember lawrence olivier when he was young? - Here's that album you ordered, natalie cole live! - Ah, I love her performance of unforgettable.
Thanks for the delivery.
- Evelyn crawford of the entertainment post says - Look at this unique charm! I own this! - And bill pennington of the seattle gazette says - This is where my deer and antelope play.
- Joel carlson of the wall street gazette raves [phone ringing.]
And "a star is born.
" - Come on, you can do this, reggie.
- I knew I shouldn't have had sex with the sun! [groans and yells.]
- Sullivan's pictures is proud to present - It's good, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, We'll be right back with harrison ford.
[quirky music.]
- Hey [indistinct conversation.]
- woo, yeah - Welcome back to the show.
And anna, I wanted to tell you a really funny story.
- [laughs.]
- so I wake up this morning - Yeah? - And I have a hankering For a smoothie.
- [laughs.]
- Yeah, I know.
So I fire up the old blender, and all I hear is just-- [loud blender whirring.]
Reggie, I'm trying to describe a very specific sound! [tropical music.]
- yeah, well, I'm just making A mama for our friend jerry over here.
- Oh.
Hey, jer.
Didn't see you there.
- Mahalo, scotty.
- How's the wife? - She's wider than she is tall, but I love her, brother.
- [laughing.]
wonderful.
All right.
[music ends.]
Well, let's get to our next guest.
It's the moment we've all been waiting for.
He's a huge star.
He's been waiting backstage.
Please welcome harrison ford.
[quirky music.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- [laughs.]
- I'm sorry, who are you? - I am rodney waber from waber media, Publicist for harrison ford.
I do publicity for harrison ford.
This is great.
Thank you so much for having me on.
Nice to meet you.
Mahalo.
- Yeah, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why are you here? Where's harrison? I mean, could he not come? Is he sick? - No, he's good.
He's probably surfing on something.
I don't know.
- He's not coming? - No, if you wanted harrison, why'd you call me, huh? Why'd you call me? - Please, don't do that.
Why did I call you? I called you Because you're harrison's publicity person, And you were supposed to call harrison And get him to come to the show.
- That was not clear.
That was not made clear.
- You think I was calling you for you to be on the show? - I thought--I did my hair.
I got a haircut.
I had a-- - um, okay, well, I wouldn't want a haircut to go to waste.
- [laughs.]
- Wasn't that funny.
- [laughs, sniffs.]
- Please, it wasn't that funny either.
- I had gotten a haircut, and then he said, "we don't want a hair-- we don't want a haircut-- [mumbles.]
we don't want a haircut to go to waste.
" 'cause I had just gotten one, and it would have been a waste! He's a very funny man, very funny man.
- I appreciate that.
- You should do a pod-- It's very funny.
- I apprec-- I should do a podcast? - Hit it, rockapella! Hit me with some questions.
Pretend that I'm harrison ford And just hit me with the questions, 'cause I know everything about him.
- Um, what's harrison's next project? - Oh, you want to know the juice goose.
- The what? - The juicy gossip.
You want to know the juice goose? - Juice goo--juicy gossip? Yeah.
- Juicy goose? You want to know the juicy goose? - I don't think that's a term, but go ahead.
- Name any part of harrison's life.
Any--I will tell you anything About any part of harrison's life, And you want to know the juice goose? I'll lay it down real thick, Put some feathers on it, and pluck it up your bums.
Here we go.
Hit me with the juice goose.
What do you want to know? - All right, uh How does harrison juggle work and family? - I don't know.
Mm-mm.
I don't know.
- You know everything about him? - I don't know.
- What's your name again? - Rodney waber.
- Of waber.
- [stammering.]
waber publicity.
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
I'm a pub-lic-ist.
- Wait, you can't even say the word "publicity"? - I sure can.
Publici-- publi--pubis.
- You're mumbling and you're not even saying it.
- I got it.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
I took a class for this.
Pobits--pobits all days.
Pobits all days.
[both laugh.]
- I'm kidding.
Publi-shut.
He's got some hot new "proj"s coming up.
Hot new proj.
We actually-- - "prots?" - what I'm trying to push-- "proj"s.
What I'm trying to push him for-- And I hope to goodness he takes it-- Is I want him to be involved with a new pixar movie.
You guys see those pixar movies? - Oh, yeah, that would be great.
- Yeah.
- Those are huge movies.
- It would be unbelievable.
They're huge.
I want him to animate the next one.
I'm ve--I'm pushing for him.
I'm pushing for him.
- Animate it? - Yeah, the dude is good with his hands.
- Like, actually draw it? - Yes! Goodness! You should be a pub--icist, 'cause I'm-- that's what I'm trying to say.
That's what I'm trying to push.
I'd love for him to do stuff like that.
- Why--why would he draw it? That-- - Because he's great with his hands.
He used to be a carpenter.
- Jesus was a carpenter.
- Sure was.
- I told you that.
- You want to know some juicy goosey for real? You want to know some juicy gossy? - I don't know, but yes.
- Do you want to hear Some jossy gossies for real? Do you want to hear some straight-up jgs? - Just tell us anything.
- I saw him the other day, And I said, "what's up, man?" mm, mm, mm.
- I cannot believe that harrison ford, The guy who was in star wars, has such a terrible-- - No way! N-- Harrison ford was in star wars? - You don't know harrison ford is in star wars? - What did he play, the ma-- the bubba mask guy? - Who's the guy in the bubba mask? - Bubba mask, he flies around, and he talks like-- [deep.]
he talks like this.
Bubba mask.
- Boba fett? - Bubba fett is his name.
That's my fault.
- Boba fett.
- Boba fett never talks like that.
- Yeah, he does.
He says-- he goes, "where's the wars?" [deep voice.]
"in the stars, y'all.
" - Look, mr.
Faber, you're a terrible publicist.
We have to go to commercial, but-- [quirky music.]
We'll be right back.
- yeah, yeah - Publicist.
- Thank you so much.
- No problem.
Hey-- - that's unbelievable! - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with anna kendrick And also rodney faber, who-- - yeah.
- During the break, we taught him how to say "publicist.
" - [laughs.]
- so-- - Is there a camera I can look into? 'cause this is huge for me.
- Yup, that one, that one, That one, or that one.
- Is it fine, sir, If I look in right here? - Okay, here we go.
- Anna, ask me what I am.
- What are you? - Oh, I don't know, maybe a pu--cist-cist.
Fu--mm! Mm.
Mm.
- Well, sometimes, a sensitive topic Can cause controversy or debate, And in that case, I do not want to be involved, Because I'm just not that type of a comic, Because a tricky topic like that, well, That's a spicy meatball.
- that's a spicy meatball! [italian music.]
- Buongiorno.
Let's get things started.
Our first topic: The death penalty.
Some people think the death penalty is immoral, While others say it's the only fitting punishment For murder.
Well, me? I'll stay out of it, Because that topic is a spicy meatball.
Our next topic comes to us from Italy, europe.
Bestiality.
Well, this one is obviously a softball.
Everyone hates bestiality.
What's that? There are some people in favor of bestiality? The people who commit bestiality, of course.
Well, it sounds to me like this softball Just turned into a meatball, and too spicy of one.
Sorry, bestiality, you are an "a-spicy meatball-a.
" Next topic: Meatballs.
You know, I've been hearing a lot of talk About the meatballs over at mamma tagliacci's ristorante.
Some say the crushed red pepper that mama uses Makes them spicy, While others say that, despite the pepper, Her meatballs are simply not spicy at all.
Well, me? I'd rather not weigh in, Because I think that that is clearly a spicy meatball.
Oh! Wait! No, I meant that-- Ugh! Sorry, folks.
That was an accident.
I wasn't supposed to comment on that very delicate issue.
I guess it's true what they say about opinions after all: Unlike buttholes, I have one.
- that's a spicy meatball! Well, that's been our show.
I want to thank our guests, anna kendrick and rodney waber.
Let's take it home, reggie.
[mellow tropical music.]
- I lost my musician to his tiki addiction look at my arm and this stick-on tattoo - I lost both my flip-flops now I'm wearing these high-tops I miss my old job, oh, what can I do? - Ha ha! - lasting today, my friend, in bahama mama zone looking for my lost comedy show - [laughs.]
- some people claim that jerry is lame but we know he's got a wonderful wife - And I missed a lakers game for this? - I got a wonderful wi-I-I-fe! You're as big as you are beautiful, baby! [applause.]
[splash.]
[tropical music.]
- The wolf dead.