Cooper's Bar (2022) s02e03 Episode Script
The Crew
1
- [Cooper] This Kris Latimer
is the biggest
dick in Hollywood.
He'd never come here.
- You ever met him?
- Hell, no.
Some dweeb from Seattle.
Tech guy thinks he
could run a TV network.
- Oh my God, I can't believe
that I had to step over
a recliner in the street.
I think I got an HPV.
I'm sorry, but is this
here Cooper's Bar?
- You're five lines early, Dave.
Okay, you come in after I
refill the rum and cokes.
- Is that your impression
of an Australian giraffe?
- Kris Latimer had
high bloody heels.
- Jesus Christ,
just say the lines.
- Why can't I just play David?
- Because no one can
understand your British accent.
- There's no such thing
as a British accent.
- Oh God, here we go.
- No, you have to be precise.
Like I was born in Sunlandly
where they talk like
this all the timely,
and then I moved
down to Yorkshire,
and now, I'm what is
considered Thames Estuary,
but a lot of people
think I'm a Cockney.
- No, a lot of people
think you're a [bleep].
- Children, I got a
whole team of IT geeks
trying to take my
virtual Ted Talk.
They say this could
turn into a book deal.
People care about the psychology
of power in everyday jobs.
Like the ones you
all shouldn't quit
just because you're
becoming TV stars.
- I guess she
didn't get the memo.
- We still have our real jobs,
'cause Cooper
couldn't get us hired.
- What happened to the
star brings his team, Coop.
You should just make them
hire me in the writer's room.
- Guys, it's a process.
They had to hire the
showrunner first.
Now, we get this script to sing
and you earn a spot
in her writer's room.
- Well, she won't even read it.
- I'm gonna make her read it.
When she comes
here to meet us all
and get the texture
of the real bar,
I'm gonna say, "Sorry,
Miss Hong, you get nothing
until you read Brandon
Washington's script."
- What about me directing?
What are you gonna
do about that?
- First things first, Dave.
(upbeat drum music)
- All right.
(glasses clinking)
(upbeat music)
Something in my
heart go missing ♪
I never though I
would lose myself ♪
But then there is no denying ♪
The fact I know I
wasn't ready for life ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
(engine purring)
(car alarm alerting)
(gunshot ringing)
- Cooper, it's a shame
we can't franchise
this slice of paradise
across the globe.
- When this show hits,
I'm gonna demand the
brick and mortar rights
back as part of my renewal.
(Brandon chuckling)
- Don't you just love the
smell of fresh genius?
- Oh, someone's
dressed to impress.
- And I printed up the script
so you can hand it to the
showrunner like you promised.
- Oh, the life of a
lonely scribe toiling
away in his garage
only to turn his work over
to the people who
actually make the show.
- Writers become
showrunners, David.
As in the one who runs the show.
- Hey, children.
Brandon, she won't
get past the door
until she reads your script.
(phone ringing)
- Ooh, it's Antonia video call.
- No, no, no, she
can't see us like this.
- Go on here.
- Look at you, Cooper.
- Hey.
- Cocktail's in the pool.
You better not be
getting soft on me
with your big time
Hollywood startup.
(Cooper chuckling)
- Stop, I'm, I'm
just a working actor
thankful for the opportunity.
- No, you're a star, Cooper,
and don't you forget it.
Also, like don't let
it get to your head.
Hey, Cyrus and I were thinking
director should
come from your camp.
- I was just saying
that to Dave.
- Coming over to Camp Cooper.
- So, there's only one guy
that's actually shot there
and made you feel
comfortable, right?
- There's only one
guy I can think of.
Wink, wink.
- Tell you what, Cyrus
and I will come by the bar
and we'll have ourselves
a little wink, wink
meaningful consultation
on the director front.
- Let's do it!
- Fantastic. Okay, I gotta go.
I love you, bye.
- What did I say?
Oh [bleep], it's the showrunner.
- Tucked behind in an
unassuming bungalow,
Cooper Marino has created
his own urban oasis.
(playful music)
- She's early,
here's the script.
- Miss Hong, Cooper Marino!
(water splashing)
Oh, [bleep].
I really want you to read
Brandon Washington's script.
(suspenseful music)
Let's get you a drink.
- Oh, I don't drink.
- You don't drink?
You, you know this
is a bar show?
- About people who drink.
- At a bar.
- I see the bar as this
incredible metaphor
for a crumbling America right
here in your own backyard.
Cooper, Dave, Brandon, these
desperate diluted dreamers
drink to tolerate the
agony of contemporary life.
- It's a little dark.
- And accurate.
- You know, this
is a comedy, right?
- Sure, the mirth born out of
desperation, a Mike Lee film.
- Oh, I love Chinese cinema.
- You've read, "Pinch
It Off", right?
- "Pinch It Off"?
- My Obie Award-winning play.
Those were real people
who I got to know.
- Authentic, I like that.
- Right, so I could mine their
human frailty for laughs.
It's why I wanna get to know
you guys and this place.
- Well, one way to get a
great sense of this place
is to read the pilot script
penned by our very
own much-in-demand
Brandon Washington
who would be a great addition
to your writer's room.
(suspenseful music)
- You wrote this?
- Yes, ma'am.
It's all there.
The burping, the
slapping, the smoking weed
and the laughing about titties.
And a meditation on
the stark inequality
of wealth and gender
in modern America.
- Well, it's truly
remarkable, Brandon, really,
however, we're gonna go
in a different direction.
- Well, you couldn't
have read it.
- You have a typo on page 12.
(suspenseful music)
- [bleep]!
- You know, it's not
to say we wouldn't hire
a totally, inexperienced writer,
what with your Cheugy dialogue
and somewhat racist portrayal
of the British character,
but I'm more interested
in using your brain
to understand what
makes these guys human.
Billy Cyrus, Kris Latimer.
- I'm pretty sure
the devil's spawn
isn't technically human.
- Exactly, why would a
nearly superhuman exec
like Kris Latimer set so much
as a Louboutin in this place?
You know, for a decade she
was the ultimate taste maker.
She pointed her finger at
you and you were a golden god
and everyone in town wanted you.
What made her fall prey to
a cabal of losers like you?
(mobile vibrating)
- Ha! I told you these
things really listen to you.
It's Kris Latimer, here.
- That's not how
smartphones work.
You can't just mention someone's
name and they call you.
She's not Beetlejuice, here.
- [bleep] that,
don't give it to me.
Last time I saw her, she ripped
me a new [bleep], literally.
Hot sauce is finding new
ways to come outta my body.
- Is this really Kris Latimer?
- Tell her I'm not here.
- [Kris] I know where you are.
- I'm telling you
she sees everything.
- Because I am here too.
When I call, you
answer, or I show up.
- Oh my God, I have called
you like nine times.
I was really hoping
to interview you.
My name is
- Shut it, I know who you are.
I didn't return calls to
newly minted showrunners
when I was head of the studio
and I'm certainly
not doing it now.
- Hey Kris, did you leave
something here like your career?
You know, things could
have ended differently,
if you're just able to spot
true talent when you saw it.
- I'm sorry, are you
actually bragging
about face humping hot chicken?
I hope that serves you well
when you're finally back
in front of the camera
trying to prove the rigor mortis
of the last 15 years
of unemployment
has nothing to do with
the lack of your talent.
- Oh my God, ouch.
- Yeah, you're sick, Kris.
And you know what?
The studio fired you and
I 86ed you from the bar.
So, as we politely
say in Buffalo
Get the [bleep] outta here.
- I am not here to see
Buffalo's Patrick Duffy.
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's this washed up
has-been a bit like Cooper.
He did one big series.
Hasn't really
worked in 15 years.
- Au contraire, that legend
starred in "Step By Step"
and "Bold and the beautiful".
He ain't never stopped.
- His character came
back from the dead.
A bit like Cooper's career.
(David chuckling)
But otherwise he's got
nothing in common with Cooper.
Hi, Kris.
- David, [bleep] off.
- [David] Absolutely.
- Anyway, I am here
to talk to Brandon.
(suspenseful music)
- You don't have to do
anything with her, Brandon.
- She's like a black hole
pulling him into her orbit.
- She can't hurt us now.
Her power has vanished.
- Wrong again, Godfather
of Godawful Acting.
Brandon, have you ever
heard of Ascension?
(illuminating music)
- Hell, yes.
That's the Christian network
- Where I am now top messiah.
- Jesus.
- Christ.
- Do they know you're Satan?
- Jesus is a realist.
- I sent my script to Ascension,
"The Army of the Unwanted".
- Yes, you did.
And today, fate shines
its fickle face on you.
- Moi?
- Oui, cheri.
I have here a check
and a contract.
"Army of the Unwanted"
your poem to aborted babies
is being purchased by Ascension.
(illuminating music)
- Don't sign.
- Don't sign.
- Today, is the first day
of the rest of your life.
- You really like it?
- We're gonna change the title,
and the third act stinks.
The first and second
are very questionable,
but that concept is appetizing.
- Whoa, slow down.
I have to process this.
You are betting on him?
- Can you stay out
of this, Junior?
I have taken [bleep]
with more heat than you.
- But have you even
read his writing?
- You're from the
theater, aren't you?
Listen, writing is
never about writing.
I am buying a script he wrote
and I'm employing him to
rewrite it, exclusively.
- Exclusively?
- Don't listen to
this noise, Brandon.
You take this money
and you go live
your twisted dream.
- He can't work exclusively.
Brandon is a key part of
the "Cooper's Bar" team.
- I am?
- I thought you just said
his writing was chewy.
- Cheugy, outdated, uncool.
- It's perfect,
it's Cooper to a T.
- Brandon, this is your chance
to leave this battalion
of buffoons behind
and go on your own mission,
in the movie business.
- Oh please, no one gives
a dry turd about movies.
You need to see
"Cooper's" through.
- What are you offering my
friend, Brandon Washington?
- I want him in the
writer's room, period.
- I've been rewriting "Army"
for 11 and a half years.
This could finally happen.
- This is a chance of a lifetime
and you'll be getting
into business with Christ.
(suspenseful music)
- They say you go fastest alone,
but further together.
(pen clicking)
(suspenseful music)
(people chuckling)
- You guys are so stupid,
it's almost unfathomable.
But you know what?
I'm gonna make you regret this.
Oh, and then after that,
you're gonna burn in hell.
- Oh my God, that was amazing.
This isn't some parlor drama.
It's a gangster film.
[bleep] Mike Lee,
this is Tarantino.
I need you to report
to the writer's room
10:00 am sharp tomorrow.
Kris Latimer's a goddess.
I have to rewrite everything.
- Your days as a security
guard are nearing their end.
- Oh [bleep], I'm late for work.
I gotta quit my job.
(relaxing tropic music)
- Look who bought
gold bar sushi.
- Wow, gold bar.
What's the occasion?
- It's Brandon's
first day at work?
- Yeah, but I mean gold bar.
It's not like it's
his bar mitzvah.
Postmates, "Thank you for
your order, Anthony Devolder."
- Oh, Mr. Devolder is kindly
donating his sushi to us.
Guess who else quit his job.
- You quit?
Is it possible to
quit Postmates?
(phone ringing)
(indistinct talking)
- That's right, Philip,
I'm keeping Anthony
Devolder's sushi.
Oh, you can deduct it
from my non-existent tips,
because I'm done, I quit.
I got a new job.
I'm directing the pilot
episode of "Cooper's Bar".
- Okay, aren't you supposed
to get the jab first
before you quit?
- Oh, come on.
Cyrus and Antonia coming
around tonight to rubber stand.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- There he is, the
hardest working man
in show business,
ladies and gentlemen.
- We bought you sushi.
- Bought.
- I've been breaking stories,
working on art,
shaping characters.
I am the writing,
ya, ya, machine.
- Shaping characters,
I'd like a six pack
and a full head of hair.
- They gave me my own office.
- Wow, a view of
the water tower?
- Well, no windows per se,
but they got me scribbling
these short scenes
at the start of an episode
to tell a funny joke
or tee up the action.
- The cold open?
- No, this is hot.
- He thinks he's
Aaron Bloody Sorkin.
- They said my last draft was
a psychedelic fever dream.
- Oh, that's good, I think.
- Good enough, they're
showing a new director.
- Oh, wait, wait,
wait, new director?
Dave's directing the pilot.
- Oh bullocks, I've
deleted the app.
- No, this is bull[bleep].
I get meaningful consultation
and when they get here,
we'll show 'em what that is.
You told me David was
gonna be the director.
- I said someone from your camp.
- I take it you're
a Bills fan, Cooper.
- Yes.
- So, the Buffalo Bills
choose their coach
and the fans read about
it in the newspaper.
That's meaningful consultation.
- Well, the fans
are gonna revolt.
David, show 'em what you got.
- Three geniuses, Chaplin,
Keaton, Harold Lloyd.
Now, we've got a fourth genius.
It is Cooper Bloody Marino!
Cooper is a man with a heart
and a liver and kidneys
and he's got all
his vital organs.
He does for comedy
what the Titanic did
for, for ship building.
Okay, that's, that's
not a very good example.
- Our director who broke the
internet with his bar act's
gonna be here like
any second now.
- Thank, Christ
This luddite would shoot the
thing in black and white.
- Cheaper still.
- You'd shoot it on film?
- Film is chemical,
as are human beings.
People are not made of pixels.
- Hey, Prince Phillip,
speak for yourself.
Film's a dead medium.
- Billy!
- Billy Canasta?
- Billy Canasta?
- I know, Billy just won
the Francois Truffaut Award
in the TikTok
competition at Slamdance.
Yeah, you know he's
part of the Cooperverse
and he wants to
direct "Cooper's Bar".
- Hey, buddy.
Looks like we're getting
the band back together.
- Over my dead body.
- Shouldn't be
too long from now.
- Really, Antonia?
What happened to "Cooper's
Bar" Buffalo style?
What happened to authenticity?
- Nothing's more
authentic than youth.
- Mr. Canasta creates over 500
minutes of content per day.
We're bringing Cooper
to the 23rd century.
Come here, lemme show
you what I can do.
- Go.
- All right, come on.
(upbeat music)
Here we go.
- Oh, oh, wow.
That was, that was great.
I'm a pretty
little rockstar. ♪
(upbeat music)
Really?
Really? That's great?
That that's, that's brilliant?
(Billy laughing)
- Genius, I mean, you've,
you've totally reinvented
"Cooper's Bar".
- Reinvented "Cooper's Bar"?
Creating characters takes time.
It's not about this
guy taking photos,
putting stickers
over people's heads.
- Or is it?
(camera shuttering)
(messages alerting)
- Hilarious.
- I'm the star of the show
and I need to have
chemistry with my director.
I gotta work with
someone that I can trust.
This Keebler elf,
he drives me nuts.
He drives me bat [Bleep].
- Cooper we consulted
with you on this.
And to be frank,
David, he's just
- What? Say it.
- I'll say it,
because she can't.
David is a limey and he
ain't cool right now,
because of all of
that colonizing they
did back in the day.
- I was gonna say,
he's inexperienced.
- I directed my first video
for the police 25 years ago.
- With Sting?
We had dinner at the Connaught.
- Wait, who's Sting?
- Who's Sting.
- Okay, whatever,
I'll google her later.
Okay, let me show you
why the Billy Hive has
way more engagement
than any other content
creator in this town.
Come on, let's go!
Whoop, whoop!
- Let's go come on.
Let's go see the
[bleep] Billy Hive.
(upbeat music)
- It's the cough syrup
chicken challenge!
Whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop!
- What the [bleep] is this?
- Whoop, whoop, whoop.
- Cooper, [bleep] dammit.
I am trying to do
my TikTok right now.
I have 2 million people
trying to hear my lecture.
What the?
- Excuse me, ma'am,
we're shooting a TikTok.
- Why are you back?
- I'm back shooting the pilot
episode of "Cooper's Bar".
(ominous music)
- Are you now?
And here I thought we'd never
see the likes of you again,
but there you are.
Blowing up all over the place.
And I'm thinking Billy Canasta's
sure gonna prove
Cooper Marino wrong.
Cooper Marino is going to regret
throwing Billy Canasta
out on his ass.
- That's Mrs. Cooper?
- I guess I was
wrong about that.
- What's she talking about?
- Nothing, nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing, nothing.
It's just that you are out there
doing these short
form art pieces
that are aesthetic as [bleep].
- You like my [bleep]?
- And I am thinking
Billy Canasta
is coming back to Cooper's
Bar to do a "Cocoon" remake
about a bunch of losers
who think they're cool.
That's not how I saw Billy
Canasta's career going down.
That's for damn sure.
(ominous music)
- Nice to see you back
beneath the twinkly lights.
- Oh my God, what?
What I, I gotta get
the [bleep] outta here
before you old vampires
feast on my flesh.
(gentle upbeat music)
- Wait, what?
Where's he going?
- I think he just quit.
- Dammit, can't you
ever get me anybody
who just does what they're told.
So sick of these cocky zero
attention span Zoomers.
You know, I'd rather
have an idiot.
Some total patsy without an
original idea in his head.
Somebody who will just holler
action, cut and go home.
[bleep] it.
Good enough for Sting,
good enough for me.
You're hired.
(upbeat music)
- Nice.
- I, I didn't know you directed
a video for the Police.
- Yeah, it was a training
film for Scotland Yard.
- We [bleep] did it.
We're making a TV show.
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel I
can never do wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there's
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel
like I don't have a ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel I
can never do wrong ♪
Sometimes I think there's
something more than I want ♪
- [Cooper] This Kris Latimer
is the biggest
dick in Hollywood.
He'd never come here.
- You ever met him?
- Hell, no.
Some dweeb from Seattle.
Tech guy thinks he
could run a TV network.
- Oh my God, I can't believe
that I had to step over
a recliner in the street.
I think I got an HPV.
I'm sorry, but is this
here Cooper's Bar?
- You're five lines early, Dave.
Okay, you come in after I
refill the rum and cokes.
- Is that your impression
of an Australian giraffe?
- Kris Latimer had
high bloody heels.
- Jesus Christ,
just say the lines.
- Why can't I just play David?
- Because no one can
understand your British accent.
- There's no such thing
as a British accent.
- Oh God, here we go.
- No, you have to be precise.
Like I was born in Sunlandly
where they talk like
this all the timely,
and then I moved
down to Yorkshire,
and now, I'm what is
considered Thames Estuary,
but a lot of people
think I'm a Cockney.
- No, a lot of people
think you're a [bleep].
- Children, I got a
whole team of IT geeks
trying to take my
virtual Ted Talk.
They say this could
turn into a book deal.
People care about the psychology
of power in everyday jobs.
Like the ones you
all shouldn't quit
just because you're
becoming TV stars.
- I guess she
didn't get the memo.
- We still have our real jobs,
'cause Cooper
couldn't get us hired.
- What happened to the
star brings his team, Coop.
You should just make them
hire me in the writer's room.
- Guys, it's a process.
They had to hire the
showrunner first.
Now, we get this script to sing
and you earn a spot
in her writer's room.
- Well, she won't even read it.
- I'm gonna make her read it.
When she comes
here to meet us all
and get the texture
of the real bar,
I'm gonna say, "Sorry,
Miss Hong, you get nothing
until you read Brandon
Washington's script."
- What about me directing?
What are you gonna
do about that?
- First things first, Dave.
(upbeat drum music)
- All right.
(glasses clinking)
(upbeat music)
Something in my
heart go missing ♪
I never though I
would lose myself ♪
But then there is no denying ♪
The fact I know I
wasn't ready for life ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
(engine purring)
(car alarm alerting)
(gunshot ringing)
- Cooper, it's a shame
we can't franchise
this slice of paradise
across the globe.
- When this show hits,
I'm gonna demand the
brick and mortar rights
back as part of my renewal.
(Brandon chuckling)
- Don't you just love the
smell of fresh genius?
- Oh, someone's
dressed to impress.
- And I printed up the script
so you can hand it to the
showrunner like you promised.
- Oh, the life of a
lonely scribe toiling
away in his garage
only to turn his work over
to the people who
actually make the show.
- Writers become
showrunners, David.
As in the one who runs the show.
- Hey, children.
Brandon, she won't
get past the door
until she reads your script.
(phone ringing)
- Ooh, it's Antonia video call.
- No, no, no, she
can't see us like this.
- Go on here.
- Look at you, Cooper.
- Hey.
- Cocktail's in the pool.
You better not be
getting soft on me
with your big time
Hollywood startup.
(Cooper chuckling)
- Stop, I'm, I'm
just a working actor
thankful for the opportunity.
- No, you're a star, Cooper,
and don't you forget it.
Also, like don't let
it get to your head.
Hey, Cyrus and I were thinking
director should
come from your camp.
- I was just saying
that to Dave.
- Coming over to Camp Cooper.
- So, there's only one guy
that's actually shot there
and made you feel
comfortable, right?
- There's only one
guy I can think of.
Wink, wink.
- Tell you what, Cyrus
and I will come by the bar
and we'll have ourselves
a little wink, wink
meaningful consultation
on the director front.
- Let's do it!
- Fantastic. Okay, I gotta go.
I love you, bye.
- What did I say?
Oh [bleep], it's the showrunner.
- Tucked behind in an
unassuming bungalow,
Cooper Marino has created
his own urban oasis.
(playful music)
- She's early,
here's the script.
- Miss Hong, Cooper Marino!
(water splashing)
Oh, [bleep].
I really want you to read
Brandon Washington's script.
(suspenseful music)
Let's get you a drink.
- Oh, I don't drink.
- You don't drink?
You, you know this
is a bar show?
- About people who drink.
- At a bar.
- I see the bar as this
incredible metaphor
for a crumbling America right
here in your own backyard.
Cooper, Dave, Brandon, these
desperate diluted dreamers
drink to tolerate the
agony of contemporary life.
- It's a little dark.
- And accurate.
- You know, this
is a comedy, right?
- Sure, the mirth born out of
desperation, a Mike Lee film.
- Oh, I love Chinese cinema.
- You've read, "Pinch
It Off", right?
- "Pinch It Off"?
- My Obie Award-winning play.
Those were real people
who I got to know.
- Authentic, I like that.
- Right, so I could mine their
human frailty for laughs.
It's why I wanna get to know
you guys and this place.
- Well, one way to get a
great sense of this place
is to read the pilot script
penned by our very
own much-in-demand
Brandon Washington
who would be a great addition
to your writer's room.
(suspenseful music)
- You wrote this?
- Yes, ma'am.
It's all there.
The burping, the
slapping, the smoking weed
and the laughing about titties.
And a meditation on
the stark inequality
of wealth and gender
in modern America.
- Well, it's truly
remarkable, Brandon, really,
however, we're gonna go
in a different direction.
- Well, you couldn't
have read it.
- You have a typo on page 12.
(suspenseful music)
- [bleep]!
- You know, it's not
to say we wouldn't hire
a totally, inexperienced writer,
what with your Cheugy dialogue
and somewhat racist portrayal
of the British character,
but I'm more interested
in using your brain
to understand what
makes these guys human.
Billy Cyrus, Kris Latimer.
- I'm pretty sure
the devil's spawn
isn't technically human.
- Exactly, why would a
nearly superhuman exec
like Kris Latimer set so much
as a Louboutin in this place?
You know, for a decade she
was the ultimate taste maker.
She pointed her finger at
you and you were a golden god
and everyone in town wanted you.
What made her fall prey to
a cabal of losers like you?
(mobile vibrating)
- Ha! I told you these
things really listen to you.
It's Kris Latimer, here.
- That's not how
smartphones work.
You can't just mention someone's
name and they call you.
She's not Beetlejuice, here.
- [bleep] that,
don't give it to me.
Last time I saw her, she ripped
me a new [bleep], literally.
Hot sauce is finding new
ways to come outta my body.
- Is this really Kris Latimer?
- Tell her I'm not here.
- [Kris] I know where you are.
- I'm telling you
she sees everything.
- Because I am here too.
When I call, you
answer, or I show up.
- Oh my God, I have called
you like nine times.
I was really hoping
to interview you.
My name is
- Shut it, I know who you are.
I didn't return calls to
newly minted showrunners
when I was head of the studio
and I'm certainly
not doing it now.
- Hey Kris, did you leave
something here like your career?
You know, things could
have ended differently,
if you're just able to spot
true talent when you saw it.
- I'm sorry, are you
actually bragging
about face humping hot chicken?
I hope that serves you well
when you're finally back
in front of the camera
trying to prove the rigor mortis
of the last 15 years
of unemployment
has nothing to do with
the lack of your talent.
- Oh my God, ouch.
- Yeah, you're sick, Kris.
And you know what?
The studio fired you and
I 86ed you from the bar.
So, as we politely
say in Buffalo
Get the [bleep] outta here.
- I am not here to see
Buffalo's Patrick Duffy.
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's this washed up
has-been a bit like Cooper.
He did one big series.
Hasn't really
worked in 15 years.
- Au contraire, that legend
starred in "Step By Step"
and "Bold and the beautiful".
He ain't never stopped.
- His character came
back from the dead.
A bit like Cooper's career.
(David chuckling)
But otherwise he's got
nothing in common with Cooper.
Hi, Kris.
- David, [bleep] off.
- [David] Absolutely.
- Anyway, I am here
to talk to Brandon.
(suspenseful music)
- You don't have to do
anything with her, Brandon.
- She's like a black hole
pulling him into her orbit.
- She can't hurt us now.
Her power has vanished.
- Wrong again, Godfather
of Godawful Acting.
Brandon, have you ever
heard of Ascension?
(illuminating music)
- Hell, yes.
That's the Christian network
- Where I am now top messiah.
- Jesus.
- Christ.
- Do they know you're Satan?
- Jesus is a realist.
- I sent my script to Ascension,
"The Army of the Unwanted".
- Yes, you did.
And today, fate shines
its fickle face on you.
- Moi?
- Oui, cheri.
I have here a check
and a contract.
"Army of the Unwanted"
your poem to aborted babies
is being purchased by Ascension.
(illuminating music)
- Don't sign.
- Don't sign.
- Today, is the first day
of the rest of your life.
- You really like it?
- We're gonna change the title,
and the third act stinks.
The first and second
are very questionable,
but that concept is appetizing.
- Whoa, slow down.
I have to process this.
You are betting on him?
- Can you stay out
of this, Junior?
I have taken [bleep]
with more heat than you.
- But have you even
read his writing?
- You're from the
theater, aren't you?
Listen, writing is
never about writing.
I am buying a script he wrote
and I'm employing him to
rewrite it, exclusively.
- Exclusively?
- Don't listen to
this noise, Brandon.
You take this money
and you go live
your twisted dream.
- He can't work exclusively.
Brandon is a key part of
the "Cooper's Bar" team.
- I am?
- I thought you just said
his writing was chewy.
- Cheugy, outdated, uncool.
- It's perfect,
it's Cooper to a T.
- Brandon, this is your chance
to leave this battalion
of buffoons behind
and go on your own mission,
in the movie business.
- Oh please, no one gives
a dry turd about movies.
You need to see
"Cooper's" through.
- What are you offering my
friend, Brandon Washington?
- I want him in the
writer's room, period.
- I've been rewriting "Army"
for 11 and a half years.
This could finally happen.
- This is a chance of a lifetime
and you'll be getting
into business with Christ.
(suspenseful music)
- They say you go fastest alone,
but further together.
(pen clicking)
(suspenseful music)
(people chuckling)
- You guys are so stupid,
it's almost unfathomable.
But you know what?
I'm gonna make you regret this.
Oh, and then after that,
you're gonna burn in hell.
- Oh my God, that was amazing.
This isn't some parlor drama.
It's a gangster film.
[bleep] Mike Lee,
this is Tarantino.
I need you to report
to the writer's room
10:00 am sharp tomorrow.
Kris Latimer's a goddess.
I have to rewrite everything.
- Your days as a security
guard are nearing their end.
- Oh [bleep], I'm late for work.
I gotta quit my job.
(relaxing tropic music)
- Look who bought
gold bar sushi.
- Wow, gold bar.
What's the occasion?
- It's Brandon's
first day at work?
- Yeah, but I mean gold bar.
It's not like it's
his bar mitzvah.
Postmates, "Thank you for
your order, Anthony Devolder."
- Oh, Mr. Devolder is kindly
donating his sushi to us.
Guess who else quit his job.
- You quit?
Is it possible to
quit Postmates?
(phone ringing)
(indistinct talking)
- That's right, Philip,
I'm keeping Anthony
Devolder's sushi.
Oh, you can deduct it
from my non-existent tips,
because I'm done, I quit.
I got a new job.
I'm directing the pilot
episode of "Cooper's Bar".
- Okay, aren't you supposed
to get the jab first
before you quit?
- Oh, come on.
Cyrus and Antonia coming
around tonight to rubber stand.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- There he is, the
hardest working man
in show business,
ladies and gentlemen.
- We bought you sushi.
- Bought.
- I've been breaking stories,
working on art,
shaping characters.
I am the writing,
ya, ya, machine.
- Shaping characters,
I'd like a six pack
and a full head of hair.
- They gave me my own office.
- Wow, a view of
the water tower?
- Well, no windows per se,
but they got me scribbling
these short scenes
at the start of an episode
to tell a funny joke
or tee up the action.
- The cold open?
- No, this is hot.
- He thinks he's
Aaron Bloody Sorkin.
- They said my last draft was
a psychedelic fever dream.
- Oh, that's good, I think.
- Good enough, they're
showing a new director.
- Oh, wait, wait,
wait, new director?
Dave's directing the pilot.
- Oh bullocks, I've
deleted the app.
- No, this is bull[bleep].
I get meaningful consultation
and when they get here,
we'll show 'em what that is.
You told me David was
gonna be the director.
- I said someone from your camp.
- I take it you're
a Bills fan, Cooper.
- Yes.
- So, the Buffalo Bills
choose their coach
and the fans read about
it in the newspaper.
That's meaningful consultation.
- Well, the fans
are gonna revolt.
David, show 'em what you got.
- Three geniuses, Chaplin,
Keaton, Harold Lloyd.
Now, we've got a fourth genius.
It is Cooper Bloody Marino!
Cooper is a man with a heart
and a liver and kidneys
and he's got all
his vital organs.
He does for comedy
what the Titanic did
for, for ship building.
Okay, that's, that's
not a very good example.
- Our director who broke the
internet with his bar act's
gonna be here like
any second now.
- Thank, Christ
This luddite would shoot the
thing in black and white.
- Cheaper still.
- You'd shoot it on film?
- Film is chemical,
as are human beings.
People are not made of pixels.
- Hey, Prince Phillip,
speak for yourself.
Film's a dead medium.
- Billy!
- Billy Canasta?
- Billy Canasta?
- I know, Billy just won
the Francois Truffaut Award
in the TikTok
competition at Slamdance.
Yeah, you know he's
part of the Cooperverse
and he wants to
direct "Cooper's Bar".
- Hey, buddy.
Looks like we're getting
the band back together.
- Over my dead body.
- Shouldn't be
too long from now.
- Really, Antonia?
What happened to "Cooper's
Bar" Buffalo style?
What happened to authenticity?
- Nothing's more
authentic than youth.
- Mr. Canasta creates over 500
minutes of content per day.
We're bringing Cooper
to the 23rd century.
Come here, lemme show
you what I can do.
- Go.
- All right, come on.
(upbeat music)
Here we go.
- Oh, oh, wow.
That was, that was great.
I'm a pretty
little rockstar. ♪
(upbeat music)
Really?
Really? That's great?
That that's, that's brilliant?
(Billy laughing)
- Genius, I mean, you've,
you've totally reinvented
"Cooper's Bar".
- Reinvented "Cooper's Bar"?
Creating characters takes time.
It's not about this
guy taking photos,
putting stickers
over people's heads.
- Or is it?
(camera shuttering)
(messages alerting)
- Hilarious.
- I'm the star of the show
and I need to have
chemistry with my director.
I gotta work with
someone that I can trust.
This Keebler elf,
he drives me nuts.
He drives me bat [Bleep].
- Cooper we consulted
with you on this.
And to be frank,
David, he's just
- What? Say it.
- I'll say it,
because she can't.
David is a limey and he
ain't cool right now,
because of all of
that colonizing they
did back in the day.
- I was gonna say,
he's inexperienced.
- I directed my first video
for the police 25 years ago.
- With Sting?
We had dinner at the Connaught.
- Wait, who's Sting?
- Who's Sting.
- Okay, whatever,
I'll google her later.
Okay, let me show you
why the Billy Hive has
way more engagement
than any other content
creator in this town.
Come on, let's go!
Whoop, whoop!
- Let's go come on.
Let's go see the
[bleep] Billy Hive.
(upbeat music)
- It's the cough syrup
chicken challenge!
Whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop!
- What the [bleep] is this?
- Whoop, whoop, whoop.
- Cooper, [bleep] dammit.
I am trying to do
my TikTok right now.
I have 2 million people
trying to hear my lecture.
What the?
- Excuse me, ma'am,
we're shooting a TikTok.
- Why are you back?
- I'm back shooting the pilot
episode of "Cooper's Bar".
(ominous music)
- Are you now?
And here I thought we'd never
see the likes of you again,
but there you are.
Blowing up all over the place.
And I'm thinking Billy Canasta's
sure gonna prove
Cooper Marino wrong.
Cooper Marino is going to regret
throwing Billy Canasta
out on his ass.
- That's Mrs. Cooper?
- I guess I was
wrong about that.
- What's she talking about?
- Nothing, nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing, nothing.
It's just that you are out there
doing these short
form art pieces
that are aesthetic as [bleep].
- You like my [bleep]?
- And I am thinking
Billy Canasta
is coming back to Cooper's
Bar to do a "Cocoon" remake
about a bunch of losers
who think they're cool.
That's not how I saw Billy
Canasta's career going down.
That's for damn sure.
(ominous music)
- Nice to see you back
beneath the twinkly lights.
- Oh my God, what?
What I, I gotta get
the [bleep] outta here
before you old vampires
feast on my flesh.
(gentle upbeat music)
- Wait, what?
Where's he going?
- I think he just quit.
- Dammit, can't you
ever get me anybody
who just does what they're told.
So sick of these cocky zero
attention span Zoomers.
You know, I'd rather
have an idiot.
Some total patsy without an
original idea in his head.
Somebody who will just holler
action, cut and go home.
[bleep] it.
Good enough for Sting,
good enough for me.
You're hired.
(upbeat music)
- Nice.
- I, I didn't know you directed
a video for the Police.
- Yeah, it was a training
film for Scotland Yard.
- We [bleep] did it.
We're making a TV show.
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel I
can never do wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there's
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel
like I don't have a ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel I
can never do wrong ♪
Sometimes I think there's
something more than I want ♪