Corner Gas (2004) s02e03 Episode Script

Hey, Wes.
Did ya fall out of the denim tree? Yeah, scorch! What's a denim tree? Oh, it's just, you're wearin' the jean jacket, jean shirt and jeans.
It looks like you fell out of the denim tree.
Hah, ha.
Pow! Oh, denim tree.
Like there's a tree that grows denim, and I climbed up it, and exchanged the clothes I was wearing for denim clothes, and then I fell out of it.
In essence, yeah.
Hah, ha.
Again I say "Pow!" Denim tree.
Well.
Denim tree doesn't seem that funny to me.
I feel my role is to support him.
* You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on ** You shoulda seen.
I just roasted Wes Humboldt.
Oh, yeah? And did Wanda say, "Pow!" afterwards? Oh, yeah.
Oh, she must have sincerely enjoyed your joke.
I've earned myself a snack.
Davis, you gonna join me? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not feelin' too well.
I ate some leftovers last night and they must have been off.
You ate food that was off? Did ya get in the head and lose your sense of smell or something? Yeah, when I was nine.
Oh.
Pow! I can't believe you made fun of Davis like that.
I wasn't making fun.
I didn't know Davis couldn't smell.
Everyone knows that.
You're not a real keen observer of the human condition.
What? I'm keen, I observe.
If I hadn't gotten into the gas racket, I could have been a private investigator or some kind of a scout.
Land ho! I'm keenly observing you have a game of Scrabble.
Yeah.
This is my old one.
My mom sent it to me.
Don't moms usually send cookies? This box would hold a lot of cookies.
I love Scrabble.
I won a trophy playing Scrabble.
They have Scrabble trophies? It was a ribbon.
It was a trophy in that it signified I won.
Want to play? No.
How often do you get to play a real Scrabble champ? Well, if you put it that way.
No That dumb cat is stuck up our tree again.
Somethin' musta scared it.
Maybe you shooting at it.
Dumb animal, drivin' me crazy.
So? I don't shoot you.
He shouldn't have been in the yard.
She.
You women always stick together.
I'm callin' the cops.
You're supposed to call the Fire Department.
I'm not talkin' to them.
Buncha do-gooders telling me what I can and can't set on fire.
Hey, I'm sorry about that crack I made at The Ruby, which although it was funny, may have seemed insensitive, although it was funny.
It's okay.
Why didn't you tell me you couldn't smell? I did.
Can you smell propane? No.
I can't smell anything.
Anyone coulda missed that.
You obviously don't remember the rest of the conversation.
It's not that I can't smell propane, It's that I can't smell propane, skunk, leftovers.
I have no sense of smell.
Ah, you talk in riddles.
Face it, Brent.
You don't observe people very closely.
I do.
I - I observe them, keenly.
It's just, you know, you don't seem like a non-smeller to me.
Oh? And, uh, what does a non-smeller seem like? We smell-less have to live with a lot of stereotypes.
Really? Look, this isn't gonna affect our relationship, is it? Sometimes when people find out, they get kinda awkward.
Oh.
No, it's, uh I mean I-I'm gonna I'm-it's, uh I'm fine.
See? Wanda! Play me at Scrabble? Aren't you some kinda Scrabble champ? Yeah.
But Sorry.
No offence, Lacey, but you're kind of a poor winner.
No, I'm not.
Two words, thumb wrestling.
One, two, three! Yes! Oh, yes! In your face! Did you see that? Whoo-hoo! Number One! Trash talk is part of thumb wrestling.
I beat you 20 times in a row.
Then you beat me once.
Yeah?! In your face.
Oscar's got a cat up his tree.
Oh.
I see what you're saying.
No.
He's actually got a cat up his tree.
What did you think she was saying? I thought it was a euphemism for something.
For what? I don't know.
It just sounded like a euphemism.
I didn't want to be left out.
See? I knew it would be awkward once you found out I couldn't smell.
Oh, geez, uh, you know what? I left my wallet at home.
I'd go get it, but by the time I get there and come back, it's Where do you live, Tibet? Give her a buck, ya knob.
I'll tell you what, Hank.
Free coffee if you'll play me at Scrabble.
Well, I'm off to get my wallet.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Yeah, I don't know, Lacey.
I've never played this Scrabble before.
Is it like Kerplunk? I like Kerplunk.
Well, you know, it's-it's, uh, not dissimilar to Kerplunk.
Dissimilar.
Is that even a word? Oh, you're gonna love Scrabble.
All right.
Anyway, Oscar wants one of us to get the cat out of the tree.
Okay.
Rock, Paper, Scissors? Hah! I win! Paper covers rock.
Rock flattens paper.
Paper'sI've made that already flat.
observation.
If you cover a rock with paper, it's still a rock.
You could smash a window with it.
So, it's more like a rock than paper.
Too bad the game's not called Rock, Paper, Window.
There you go, turning on me again.
Smellaphobe.
I'm not a smellaphobe! It's easy for you to say.
You don't have to work with one.
Okay, Hank.
So you've got "hat" on a double word score.
Yeah.
You know, it's even better if you can put down longer words.
You mean like "sat"? That's the same length.
It's longer when you say it.
Hat, sssat.
Yeah.
Okay, you're outta tiles, which means the game's over.
You get all the points for the letters that I have left.
And I subtract that number from my score.
So how much you beat me by? Actually, you won, by five points.
Really? Cool! I like this even better than Kerplunk.
How could you not know Davis can't smell? You know he's a cop, right?Pow! Hey, don't turn the pow against me.
Anybody could have made the same mistake.
Anybody who lives in a dream world.
He didn't know Lacey was a Scrabble champ.
I knew that.
I knew that, this morning.
That's like saying you didn't know I was double jointed.
Sure.
Yeah, I knew the joint thing.
You do know that I spent two years in the British Secret Service? All right, you're makin' that one up.
Okay, Oscar, hold the ladder.
Mr.
Big Strong Cop is afraid of fallin' off a ladder.
Maybe you'd like me to hold your hand.
It's just kinda wobbly, that's all.
Ha! I shoulda called the Fire Department.
You don't see them holdin' each other's ladders.
You cops are too soft, sittin' around with your hats and your guns.
Over in England, cops just got sticks.
Uaaagh! Careful.
Oh, my God! Davis! The cat is getting away! Gimme your gun.
Ooaah, I feel strange.
I smell burning toast.
Oh, now the tough guy's gonna have a seizure.
Wait.
I smell it too.
Damn thing! You know what this means? I caught your epilepsy? I can smell again! Oooh.
Aaah, asphalt.
It brings back memories, I tell ya.
Can you stop smelling everything? It's embarrassing.
Aaah.
Smell the hood.
It's amazing.
It's a hood.
But I couldn't smell it before.
This is a new world for me.
They didn't have hoods when you were a kid? Yes, but I didn't smell them.
Squandered youth.
What? Oh, nothin'.
I'm good.
Okay, smart guy.
I think she means you.
I demand a rematch.
Oh, it's okay.
I'll pay for my coffee.
Last time I helped you.
Lets try a game where you play on your own.
Scrabble, with this genius? Like challenging a fish to a footrace.
He doesn't stand a chance.
Why are you insulting me? I'm on your side here.
All right.
Ojime.
It's a carved bead used as a clasp.
Well, uh, I guess I'll just put this "s" down at the end of it, for a point.
Or is that three points because of the triple word score? No, uh, mm, that's actually 45 points.
Hah! I knew Hank would win.
I love this crazy game! This sweater won't stay closed.
It needs some kind of ojime.
Hey, what's this? It's a Neil Diamond record.
It's for your father.
Why would Dad want a Neil Diamond record? He loves Neil Diamond.
He's a, what ya call it, a Trekkie.
No, Maw, that's somethin' else.
He loves Neil Diamond.
Dad loves Neil Diamond? Well, why wouldn't I know that? Don't be hard on yourself.
You've always been wrapped up in your own world.
You know who I like? I like that Neil Diamond.
Man, that Neil Diamond's a good singer.
Do we have any fudge at home? Man, I have gotta start paying more attention to the people around me.
Well, it won't be easy.
Like I say, you've always had your head up in the clouds, or up somewhere.
I can't believe it.
You win again.
You've got a real talent for Scrabble, Hank.
Yeah.
You've got a beautiful mind.
Like in that movie? Weird Science.
Exactly.
But what you need is a mentor, a coach.
Like in No, not that guy.
He died.
What was that other show with the coach.
Oh yeah, Sure, like I could be Coach, and you could be whoever else was in I don't know if I could handle the pressure.
Oh, sure you can.
I think you've got real talent, Hank.
That's nice of you to say.
Luther!Lacey.
No, in Okay? Will you do my Scrabble thing? Fine.
But this time I want free pie.
You know, Davis, since you got your smell back, you've been acting sorta different.
I think I know what's goin' on, here.
Oh, okay.
Maybe your perfume is a little overwhelming.
It's no problem.
It's just kind of a sickly sweet cloak of bad odour.
Actually, I thought you wanted to smell the air because you just got your sense of smell back.
Oh.
Yeah.
Smell that air.
Well, don't let me ruin it with my bad odour cloak! Do you mind rollin' up your window? Oscar! You don't have to ring the bell.
We've gotten used to you.
Is this how you run things? A customer waitin' and you're reading a book? You're right.
The customer comes first.
Can I help you, Wes? Hey, I was here before him.
Age before more age.
Oh, sure.
Big spender.
Go ahead.
But just remember, money talks, but it don't sing and dance, and it don't walk.
What you readin'? Oh, it's a book.
It's the history of Dog River.
This is Brent's way of learning more about the people around him.
It was either this or start paying attention to people.
Hey, Wanda, when did you get here? You're not gonna learn nothin' in a book.
Wise words, Dad.
But I disagree.
For example, did you know that Wes, here's, father died in Korea saving his entire platoon? Daddy's dead? We told him he joined the circus, ya jackass.
I think you're ready to play someone else.
It won't be as challenging as playing me, but it'll still be good practice.
Okay, Emma, why don't we start things off with "abang.
" Hooo-oo-oo.
"A bang" is two words.
Fine.
Have it your way.
Wow.
One point.
Emma, Emma, Emma.
I guess you didn't realize that the first word played counts for double word score.
Lacey, put me down for two points.
Is it too late to put money on this? Karen.
Karen, pick up.
You're being immature.
Maybe you should talk to someone less stinky.
Not stinky, cloaked in a stench.
A good stench.
Why don't you come on out so we can talk about this? No.
I know you're going through a transition, but Ow! Karen! Ow! 12-11, officer down! Seriously, sorry about the smell thing.
You shouldn't joke about a 12-11.
It wasn't a joke.
It was a trick.
If it's that big a deal to you, I won't wear the perfume anymore.
I appreciate that.
Can you also do something about your hair? It smells too much like hair.
Since I used all seven of my letter tiles on this turn, I believe I get an extra 50 bonus points.
That's not how you spell "Ah.
" I got a Superman comic that begs to differ.
So, Mrs.
Tucker, just the gas today? Bob good? Don't be a stranger.
Hey, Fitzy, how ya doin'? Is that new wheels you're drivin'? You just won't let up, will you? Looking for any angle you can work.
Well, I'm not playing your game, Brent.
I have a game? He made fun of Wes for falling out of a tree.
No, that was Davis.
Davis fell out of a tree.
Either way, Brent's a monster.
I'm a monster, a monster with a game? People are afraid you'll use their quirks against them, like you did with poor Wes, because you're a monster.
Man, this keen observation thing is tricky.
And the final score is Emma, 437.
Hm.
Hank Oh.
And the higher score wins, right? Okay, we're gonna regroup.
When do I get my free pie? Geez, I love the smell of a bar.
Somehow it always seems to remind me of booze and cigarettes.
I used to envy the smelling.
But now I'm startin' to realize it's a curse.
Oh, my! I almost wish I could go back to my smell-less world.
That's what you get for ignoring ladder safety.
How'd you lose your smell? I got hit in the face by a ball.
You need to get hit in the face by a ball again.
That won't work.
Why not? Because this isn't Gilligan's Island.
I know.
Your defeat seems like a huge disaster.
But the important thing is to not worry about how it's embarrassing to me.
Hey, what's up? I'm just trying to recover from my huge disastrous Scrabble defeat.
Which was embarrassing to me.
You play Scrabble? Oh, yeah.
You're back to not noticing what goes on around you? Yeah, born again ignoramus.
It's just way easier.
I was too cocky.
Yeah.
Hey, that would be a good Scrabble word, "kokky," huh, with all those K's? Yeah, gotta be seven or eight of them in there.
Actually, Hank is really good.
He just caved under the pressure.
Ah, pressure caving.
Or maybe there wasn't enough pressure.
Ah, pressure lacking.
What do you mean? That's it, Hank.
You just need the right motivation.
Free lunch tomorrow for whoever can beat Hank at Scrabble! Yeah, I beat Hank.
There you go.
Next? Yeah, I beat Hank.
Just take the sandwich.
I can't understand.
Hank always beats me.
It was the pressure.
Yeah? Or Lacey sucks.
Yeah, the pressure.
You know, Hank, I've been thinking.
People don't really change.
You know, you tried to learn Scrabble, but didn't.
I tried to learn about people, but Sorry.
I thought you were Davis.
Aaaah! Hey, how would you spell that? Two H's? Hey, I'm glad to see you guys patched things up.
How'd you do it? He started wearing cologne.
The smell is not so bad when it comes from you.
Hah, hah! Three in row! In your face! Damn! I'm usually good at this! Kerplunk is a fickle mistress.
Hey, Brent.
I said, "Hey, Brent!" What's the matter? Get hit in the head and bust an eardrum? Oh.
Pow! Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *