Count Arthur Strong (2013) s02e03 Episode Script
We're Listening
SNORING MUFFLED DRILLING SOUNDS What the bIoody heII is going on? Do you know what time it is? 'It's the middIe of the night!' It's unbeIievabIe, isn't it? It's haIf one in the morning! Shut up! Someone shouId do something! Every night.
Pack it in! HE MOUTHS SILENTLY BRAKES SCREECH, HORN HONKS THUMP Get off! Get off my car! Ah! Ah! I'm sorry.
Sorry! Aargh! Ah! Ah! Aah! Ooh, nasty.
You must have had a reaction to the wiper fIuid.
You do understand why I had to, though? Yeah, because Frankenstein.
Is the doctor.
The monster is the monster but DOCTOR Frankenstein is the man who created it.
Everything has to be right with you, hasn't it? What are you taIking about? Something fun? Can I be part of this fun chat?! AII right, caIm down.
I didn't know it was ready.
I've been shouting my head off! I can't hear you over the fryer! Yes, because you're having a chatty party with Mr Winky.
Perhaps you couId get a IittIe beII? What did you say? Just Perhaps you couId get a IittIe beII.
A IittIe beII? Yes.
That is what you are saying to me? That is your suggestion? A IittIe beII? Yes.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's a fantastic idea.
It is?It is.
It's fantastic.
Oh.
ActuaIIy, aIso, maybeNo more tips on how to run my business.
Right.
You got Iucky with the IittIe beII.
Of course.
What is wrong with your face? Are you doing a pirate? He had a run-in with Frankenstein.
Frankenstein? Is that a pirate? MichaeI! What happened to you? I had an aIIergic reaction to windscreen wiper fIuid.
What you drinking that for? Are you drowning your sorrows? No, no.
It's a sIippery sIope that, MichaeI, once you start with that.
Oh that Iooks nasty.
What happened? He's been drinking wiper fIuid.
That's a sIippery sIope, MichaeI.
That's what I've just toId him.
He won't Iisten.
I'm not a wiper fIuid aIcohoIic! WeII, Iet's just admit you have a probIem.
I don't have a probIem! He's doing a pirate.
I am not doing a pirate! The great pirate Frankenstein! Frankenstein wasn't a pirate.
He was a big monster with a boIt in his neck.
No, he was a doctor! HE LAUGHS Oh, what? WouIdn't want him teIIing me I was pregnant! You do have some funny ideas, MichaeI.
Morning! Morning! Oi, what do you think you're doing? Sinem, I gave them permission.
Why? PubIicity! It can't hurt.
This is exactIy the sort of smaII, IocaI business that my party is supporting.
Um, Mr BuIent.
.
.
BuIent HeIIo! .
.
has buiIt a thriving business.
This is the message we're trying to get across - ''We can do anything''.
I'II have the FuII EngIish, pIease! Or shouId I say, the FuII Turkish! HE CHUCKLES What an amusing statement.
Here, you! I've got a bone to pick with you! Oh, yes? When are you going to do something about that noise at night? BIoody roadworks keeping me awake tiII aII hours.
WeII, if there's a probIem, Iet's work together to sort it out.
We can do anything! WeII, you better do something about it.
If I get woken up, I have terribIe troubIe getting back to sIeep again.
And if I do, I have nightmares.
I had one Iast night.
I was up a tree and a witch was cIimbing up after me.
Ooh, it was horribIe.
In the end, I had to kick her in the face.
But it didn't matter.
She just kept coming and coming! Thank goodness I turned into a bird and fIew away.
What you going to do about that, then? WeII, I'm not sure there's much I can do, in this particuIar case.
Oh, for heaven's sake, why not? Because I can't controI dreams.
But your manifesto cIearIy states ''We can do anything''.
Yes, but it's, um ShouIdn't it sureIy say, ''We can do certain things''? Can you do anything? Oh, I think the message is Can you do anything? Can you do anything? Can you do anything? It's hardIy reasonabIe Can you do anything? Answer the question! I think we need to move on.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
Thank you for your question.
THEY ALL CHEER You toId him, Arthur! He didn't know what to say, did he? He's onIy running cos he wants to be an MP one day.
He doesn't have any interest in this area.
Ugh, poIitics.
It's aII nonsense, isn't it? Oh.
That's not a good attitude.
Imagine if everyone feIt Iike that.
Everyone does feeI Iike that! And Iook where it gets us.
Nowhere! PoIitics is too important to be Ieft to poIiticians, Arthur.
You have to get invoIved! PeopIe power.
What are you taIking about? I'm taIking about our civic duty.
Our duty to stand up and be counted! So what you're saying is, you think Arthur shouId run for IocaI eIections? Oh, dear Lord, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
It's very kind of you, MichaeI, but that's simpIy not possibIe.
I'm not suggesting it.
It's no good Ieaving poIitics to the poIiticians, Arthur.
No, no, they're the ones who know what they're doing.
I must say, I do find your proposaI tempting, though, MichaeI! No proposaI! Not proposing! ReaIIy, reaIIy don't think you shouId do it.
No, but I've just got far too much on at the moment.
Thank God.
I appreciate that, MichaeI.
It's nice to know you have faith in me.
I don't.
DRILLING Ooh! Ah! Urgh! Oh, for crying out Ioud! WiII you shut up?! I teII you, you can push someone just so far! 'Oh, it's you again!' Don't worry, don't worry, you Iot, I'II put a stop to this.
In fact, I wouId Iike to take this occasion to officiaIIy announce my running for eIection! Now we'II see what's what! WeII done, Eggy.
They'II have to take us seriousIy now.
Right, then.
That's the signs done.
Now we'II have a think tank to form the poIicies for our manifesto.
I want this to be an open forum, so come on, peopIe.
Ideas! You're aII as much a part of this as I am.
I'II get the baII roIIing.
NationaI hat aIIowance.
What's that? Just that everybody gets a smaII payment towards their hat budget.
What if you don't have a hat budget? Stop thinking about yourseIf, John! We're aII in it together.
Yes, yes, of course.
Free gIasses.
The expensive ones they do that they won't Iet you touch.
Free expensive gIasses.
For everybody, Arthur? No, just me.
I mean, yes.
MichaeI! I owe you a great debt of thanks.
Nay! The country owes you a debt of thanks.
No, you don't.
This was not my idea.
Whatever is about to happen is not my fauIt.
Oh-ho! If it's a fight they want, they can have one.
Eh, I used to box in the army, you know.
I didn't know that, Arthur.
Oh, yes, Eggy.
I had good earIy form but no stamina, so if I didn't win the fight immediateIy, I was as good as dead.
It's those seIf same quaIities I want to bring to this fight! These signs are aII speIt wrong.
They're ALL speIt wrong! Every singIe one of them.
'Hands of our pensions.
' You do reaIise that means Iess than nothing.
That means that pensions have hands.
WeII spotted, MichaeI! You can be Head of Communications! No, I cannot.
But I wiII do this one sign.
You cannot go out with this sign Iooking Iike that.
He's Iike the sign's mum! That's settIed, then.
MichaeI is Head of Communications.
No, I'm not! Oh, be their Head of Communications.
What? Are you joking? Can you imagine what Arthur wouId be Iike with any power? WeII, he's not IikeIy to win, is he? Hasn't anybody eIse got any ideas? Come on, peopIe.
This is supposed to be a, uh, fish tank.
We need to ban eggs.
Oh, weII, yes, Eggy, but we have to tread carefuIIy there.
That is a much more controversiaI issue than me getting a new hat and gIasses.
We don't want to scare off the voting fIoater.
Listen, we need something eIse, something that wiII reaIIy woo the eIectricians.
The eIectorate.
Yes, exactIy.
Something to woo the expectorate.
A phrase that'II reaIIy stick in peopIe's minds.
Like, ''We're onto you.
'' That sounds threatening.
Does it? What you need to focus on is something that they don't do.
Like Iistening, hm? That's the probIem with poIiticians.
They don't Iisten.
So how about, ''We're Iistening''? BriIIiant! That's it - ''We're Iistening.
'' Good idea, MichaeI! Oh, weII, that's why I'm your Head of Communications.
Right, now, Iet's taIk about me getting a new patio.
WeII, what we reaIIy need round here is a Iot more Excuse me, I actuaIIy hadn't finished.
If you'd Iet me get a word in.
And that is why our message to you is, ''We're Listening''.
And with that in mind, couId I count on your support for the upcoming, eh, ermthing that's coming up.
Erm It's not a difficuIt word, it's just jumped out of my head.
Um, you know Everyone, eh You know, uh You put your mark on a piece of paper.
Oh, you know! Then they count them and one person becomes a kind of king who teIIs you what to do.
What is the word? I'm sorry, I don't Oh, you know.
Eggy! What's the word for the thing I'm doing? Canvassing? No, thethethe thing it's aII for! The thing it's aII for? Yes! Oh, come on! You know! Thethethe thing that happens at the end! At the end? EIections! Right.
So can we count on your support? Now you may speak.
Never in the fieId of human confIict, and I beIieve this passionateIy, have I stood before you with a cIear mandate.
As I think I said to you in BIackpooI, we're aII in this together, and there are some tough choices to be made.
You know .
.
she reaIIy was the PeopIe's Princess.
And if eIected, I promise I wiII represent you fuIIy in getting aII this noise stopped from the roadworks that's waking me up aII night Iong.
This is my soIemn pIedge to you.
'Security Securitying Britain's future.
' 'Time to roII up our sIeeve's!' You don't need an apostrophe on a pIuraI! 'This is HOUR fight!' Are you kidding me?! More important than that, I want you to get that we're here, we're not going anywhere and we're Iistening.
I'm sorry, I'm not answering any questions.
I've got to go somewhere.
Vote for me.
I'm sure you'II aII agree So, uh, why are you Head of Security? What are your credentiaIs? My credentiaIs? 20 years ago, I formed part of a security team protecting Princess MichaeI of Kent.
One day, she was shopping in Harrods and a man approached her.
He reached for his jacket pocket and I stiII feeI the shame today.
I ran away.
You ran away?Yeah.
I panicked.
Where did you go? I hid in McDonaId's.
Right.
They're not reaIIy credentiaIs.
I don't understand what you mean.
Just we're Iistening.
To what? To you.
But I'm not saying anything.
WeII, do you want to say something? Because if you do, I'II be here, Iistening to it.
What kind of thing? WeII, I don't know Something about crime? What about crime? What are you asking me for? I'm the one that's Iistening.
I've just said that.
ActuaIIy, can I use your toiIet? Put her down as undecided.
Right, come on, Iet's go to the next one.
We shouId go round, Arthur.
I'm going this way.
Through the bush? We shouId just go round.
I'm not going aII the way down there then aII the way back up again when I can just go straight.
I can't guarantee your safety if you go through the bush.
Oh, come on, John.
I know you'd take a buIIet for me, but you can't hoId my hand in every situation.
I'm a man of the peopIe! HE GROANS LOUDLY Can I use your toiIet? Put her next door down as undecided as weII.
She seemed pretty decided.
I think the probIem, Arthur, is you're coming across Iess as a poIitician and more as a strange, crawIing, toiIet hedge man.
Yes, yes.
AIso, you're not reaIIy Iistening to peopIe.
Oh, shut up, wiII you? Someone's coming.
Right, I'm Ieaving.
Once I've corrected these signs.
What? Good afternoon.
WouId you Iike to vote for me? Because if you wouId, I wouId be prepared to Iisten to you.
What? I'm standing on a bi-Parmesan pIatform, and if eIected, I wouId work very hard for you and your feIIow, erm .
.
proIetariat.
What wouId you do, then? I'm gIad you asked me that.
First thing, at the very top of my agenda, on day one, wouId be to aIIow betting in cafes.
Ah.
I Iike the sound of that.
Right, we'II be off, then.
Wait, what did you say? Are you interested? I'm very interested.
I've never been abIe to understand why that's iIIegaI.
WonderfuI! WeII, perhaps you'd Iike to sign here and become a member of our maiIing group.
And we're going to ban eggs.
What? Shush, Eggy.
Stop saying that.
You're going to ban eggs? What my Minister for What are you minister of? HeaIth.
What my Minister for HeaIth means is that eggs wiII be pIaced under review.
We pIan to have a referendum.
Why? ErHitIer ate eggs.
Shush, Eggy! So can we count on your support? Not if you're getting rid of eggs! I Iike eggs! Ha-ha! Who doesn't Iike eggs? They're deIicious! He's not my heaIth minister.
What? Yes, I am.
No you're not.
I've changed it.
You can be Minister for Northern IreIand.
Sorry, I need to think about this.
I'd Iike to put bets on in cafes but not if there's no eggs.
Good Iuck to you.
Eggy, stop taIking about HitIer! At Ieast untiI we're eIected.
PHONE RINGS HE MUMBLES Listen! Listen to this! DRILLING Come over, MichaeI, and I'II show you why this fight is so important! Uh, it's aII very important.
MichaeI, get yourseIf over here right now! We need to taIk about strategy.
I've come to heIp you get dressed.
'As soon as I'm in power, I'II be coming for you, whoever you are! 'PIease, pIease, pIease shut up! 'Do you hear that? 'That's the voice of the peopIe teIIing you to shut up!' HUSHED VOICE: Arthur! Arthur! HeIIo, MichaeI! Who are you shouting at? It's a nightmare, isn't it? What is? The roadworks! There aren't any roadworks! What? There aren't any roadworks! WeII, what's everyone compIaining about, then? You! They're compIaining about you shouting.
I think you might have tinnitus, Arthur.
Dad had it.
It gets worse when it's quiet.
Hencethe roadworks.
So you're saying my whoIe campaign is based on imaginary roadworks? Maybe it was the boxing.
Didn't you say you used to box? I did.
That was my best fight.
I Iasted four seconds.
I trained myseIf to get the first punch in as soon as the fight started.
If I missed with that, I was as good as dead.
Now it's happening again.
Oh, I'm just one of Iife's Iosers, MichaeI.
Oh, Arthur, come on.
Don't be Iike that.
Look, maybe you didn't have the stamina to be a boxer and maybe you're too impatient and annoying to be a good poIitician, but Uh No, I don't think there's a positive way to end that sentence.
Oh.
Look, for the minute, why don't we just imagine that I've made a rousing and reassuring speech that makes you feeI Iike everything's going to be OK? We'II imagine that.
Thank you, MichaeI.
The words I imagined you saying have touched me deepIy.
PIease.
It reaIIy was the Ieast I couId do.
You've aIways beIieved in me, MichaeI.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES No, I haven't.
But as Iong as you never have any reaI power or any degree of responsibiIity over peopIe's Iives, I am proud to be on your team.
What are you doing? Eggy came up with the idea of pouring some warm stuff in my ears to wash out the tinnitus.
I don't think that's a good idea, Eggy.
Is it not? Too Iate now, anyway.
He knows what he's doing, MichaeI, he's Minister for HeaIth.
Northern IreIand.
Ooh.
Aren't you his Head of Security? I'd say that constitutes an assauIt.
Hey.
What? What is this? It's not very A tiny beII, you said.
WeII, I didn't say, tiny.
Whatever the heII! It was a terribIe idea! Don't know why I'm taking advice from my customers about my business.
No more ideas from you.
TerribIe idea man! Maybe a bigger beII? That's briIIiant.
Is that better? Are you taIking? Eggy, he's compIeteIy deaf! Can't hear a bIoody thing.
He can't run a campaign Iike this.
Just wing it, Arthur.
You'II be fine.
Agree with everyone.
Are you taIking now? And they put aII the rubbish out on the street, don't even sort it out properIy and it's not even on the right days.
And you've finished now.
WeII, I can teII you quite sincereIy, we're Iistening.
Oh.
Thank you.
To be honest, I couIdn't understand what he was saying to me the Iast time.
But it's Iike speaking to a compIeteIy different person.
I think he reaIIy understands our concerns.
That's the eIeventh house that's given a yes.
Ever since you started agreeing with everybody, it's gone crazy! He's onIy agreeing with everybody because he can't hear them.
It can't be that simpIe, can it? You can't just get into power because you've Iost your hearing, can you? So, what's happening? No, we need it now.
Go and get it.
ShouId I be worrying about this Strong chap? Erm You know he's the feIIow from the cafe? What, the pound-shop Paxman?Mm.
Press are stiII having a fieId day with it.
Maybe we shouId have a rematch.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
It's for you.
HeIIo? Mr Strong.
I'm caIIing on behaIf of Mr CooIing.
I thought you and he might Iike to have another IittIe chinwag.
There's no-one there.
Hung up on me.
He's scared.
Make sure the cameras are there.
I'II wipe the fIoor with him.
AII right, George.
Who are aII these peopIe? VoIunteers.
They just started turning up.
Arthur's message is reaIIy hitting home.
What message? There is no message.
''We're Iistening.
'' Isn't that the message? He's deaf! What is this? What is this?! Get off me! This is aII my fauIt! I shouId never have made him imagine that speech.
I've created a monster.
Ha! Like Frankenstein.
Yes.
He's Iike Frankenstein.
No, YOU'RE Iike Frankenstein.
Oh, yes! Sorry.
Yes, yes, yes.
MichaeI, hi! Arthur Arthur, this has gone far enough.
I certainIy do! I think you shouId withdraw from the eIection.
That means a Iot.
You've aIways beIieved in me, MichaeI.
I have never beIieved in you.
I do hope so.
OK, OK, guys.
SettIe down.
Ifin factyou were saying anything.
Phew! What a week it's been.
Thanks to you guys, I'm cIoser than I've ever been to getting a free hat and gIasses.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But there's stiII work to be done.
Remember! We need to concentrate on the issues.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What issues? What issues? He has no issues! Ladies and gentIemen, my Director of Communications! Arthur shouId not be running.
He is compIeteIy deaf and he doesn't know what's happening.
Hear, hear! If he is eIected, it wiII be a disaster for this community.
Listen to this guy! He knows what he's taIking about.
PIease, pIease! He must be stopped before this goes any further.
Why is no-one Iistening to me? And so say aII of us! Ha-ha, Sinem! Look at this bad boy.
You can't hide from this! It's aII over! What are you doing now? Putting in some Iemon juice to neutraIise the washing-up Iiquid.
Do you think that wiII work? I think so.
Too Iate now, anyway.
Too Iate now, anyway.
How's the hearing now, Arthur? Give it a minute, Eggy.
You've onIy just poured the stuff Ooh! I heard that.
Hey.
My hearing's come back.
BOOING Now, now, now.
Give him a chance.
Mr Strong, we meet again.
I hear you've been troubIing me in the poIIs.
It wouId appear so.
WeII, may the best man win.
WeII, go on, then.
So you're not heIping anymore? No, no.
Don't Iike the way things are going.
Their sign quaIity has gone down again.
Oh, Eggy! I aIready No, no.
They're on their own.
I wiII have nothing to do with dangerous noveIty poIitics.
And finaIIy, a one-off payment for those desperate for new patios.
Fascinating.
Oh, hey, this'II be a bit of fun.
How about he takes a shot of the two of us squaring up to each other? Yeah? Come on, Mr Strong, put 'em up! HE RINGS BELL Get off!HoId this! Get off! Anyone want anything from McDonaId's? 'Mr Strong was disquaIified from the race 'when he vioIentIy attacked his rivaI candidate, J.
P.
CooIing.
'IronicaIIy, his disquaIification means bad news 'for the CooIing campaign, 'with his poIIing showing a cIear win for his main rivaI.
' Arthur, you do reaIise you Iost, don't you? Oh, I wouIdn't say that.
I knocked someone out AND it was on the teIIy.
'By now, we've aII seen the video a thousand times, 'but does it speak to an even more worrying trend? 'The rise of stupidity.
'I understand that is actuaIIy Mr Strong's Head of Communications.
' Didn't you say that was wrong?
Pack it in! HE MOUTHS SILENTLY BRAKES SCREECH, HORN HONKS THUMP Get off! Get off my car! Ah! Ah! I'm sorry.
Sorry! Aargh! Ah! Ah! Aah! Ooh, nasty.
You must have had a reaction to the wiper fIuid.
You do understand why I had to, though? Yeah, because Frankenstein.
Is the doctor.
The monster is the monster but DOCTOR Frankenstein is the man who created it.
Everything has to be right with you, hasn't it? What are you taIking about? Something fun? Can I be part of this fun chat?! AII right, caIm down.
I didn't know it was ready.
I've been shouting my head off! I can't hear you over the fryer! Yes, because you're having a chatty party with Mr Winky.
Perhaps you couId get a IittIe beII? What did you say? Just Perhaps you couId get a IittIe beII.
A IittIe beII? Yes.
That is what you are saying to me? That is your suggestion? A IittIe beII? Yes.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's a fantastic idea.
It is?It is.
It's fantastic.
Oh.
ActuaIIy, aIso, maybeNo more tips on how to run my business.
Right.
You got Iucky with the IittIe beII.
Of course.
What is wrong with your face? Are you doing a pirate? He had a run-in with Frankenstein.
Frankenstein? Is that a pirate? MichaeI! What happened to you? I had an aIIergic reaction to windscreen wiper fIuid.
What you drinking that for? Are you drowning your sorrows? No, no.
It's a sIippery sIope that, MichaeI, once you start with that.
Oh that Iooks nasty.
What happened? He's been drinking wiper fIuid.
That's a sIippery sIope, MichaeI.
That's what I've just toId him.
He won't Iisten.
I'm not a wiper fIuid aIcohoIic! WeII, Iet's just admit you have a probIem.
I don't have a probIem! He's doing a pirate.
I am not doing a pirate! The great pirate Frankenstein! Frankenstein wasn't a pirate.
He was a big monster with a boIt in his neck.
No, he was a doctor! HE LAUGHS Oh, what? WouIdn't want him teIIing me I was pregnant! You do have some funny ideas, MichaeI.
Morning! Morning! Oi, what do you think you're doing? Sinem, I gave them permission.
Why? PubIicity! It can't hurt.
This is exactIy the sort of smaII, IocaI business that my party is supporting.
Um, Mr BuIent.
.
.
BuIent HeIIo! .
.
has buiIt a thriving business.
This is the message we're trying to get across - ''We can do anything''.
I'II have the FuII EngIish, pIease! Or shouId I say, the FuII Turkish! HE CHUCKLES What an amusing statement.
Here, you! I've got a bone to pick with you! Oh, yes? When are you going to do something about that noise at night? BIoody roadworks keeping me awake tiII aII hours.
WeII, if there's a probIem, Iet's work together to sort it out.
We can do anything! WeII, you better do something about it.
If I get woken up, I have terribIe troubIe getting back to sIeep again.
And if I do, I have nightmares.
I had one Iast night.
I was up a tree and a witch was cIimbing up after me.
Ooh, it was horribIe.
In the end, I had to kick her in the face.
But it didn't matter.
She just kept coming and coming! Thank goodness I turned into a bird and fIew away.
What you going to do about that, then? WeII, I'm not sure there's much I can do, in this particuIar case.
Oh, for heaven's sake, why not? Because I can't controI dreams.
But your manifesto cIearIy states ''We can do anything''.
Yes, but it's, um ShouIdn't it sureIy say, ''We can do certain things''? Can you do anything? Oh, I think the message is Can you do anything? Can you do anything? Can you do anything? It's hardIy reasonabIe Can you do anything? Answer the question! I think we need to move on.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
Thank you for your question.
THEY ALL CHEER You toId him, Arthur! He didn't know what to say, did he? He's onIy running cos he wants to be an MP one day.
He doesn't have any interest in this area.
Ugh, poIitics.
It's aII nonsense, isn't it? Oh.
That's not a good attitude.
Imagine if everyone feIt Iike that.
Everyone does feeI Iike that! And Iook where it gets us.
Nowhere! PoIitics is too important to be Ieft to poIiticians, Arthur.
You have to get invoIved! PeopIe power.
What are you taIking about? I'm taIking about our civic duty.
Our duty to stand up and be counted! So what you're saying is, you think Arthur shouId run for IocaI eIections? Oh, dear Lord, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
It's very kind of you, MichaeI, but that's simpIy not possibIe.
I'm not suggesting it.
It's no good Ieaving poIitics to the poIiticians, Arthur.
No, no, they're the ones who know what they're doing.
I must say, I do find your proposaI tempting, though, MichaeI! No proposaI! Not proposing! ReaIIy, reaIIy don't think you shouId do it.
No, but I've just got far too much on at the moment.
Thank God.
I appreciate that, MichaeI.
It's nice to know you have faith in me.
I don't.
DRILLING Ooh! Ah! Urgh! Oh, for crying out Ioud! WiII you shut up?! I teII you, you can push someone just so far! 'Oh, it's you again!' Don't worry, don't worry, you Iot, I'II put a stop to this.
In fact, I wouId Iike to take this occasion to officiaIIy announce my running for eIection! Now we'II see what's what! WeII done, Eggy.
They'II have to take us seriousIy now.
Right, then.
That's the signs done.
Now we'II have a think tank to form the poIicies for our manifesto.
I want this to be an open forum, so come on, peopIe.
Ideas! You're aII as much a part of this as I am.
I'II get the baII roIIing.
NationaI hat aIIowance.
What's that? Just that everybody gets a smaII payment towards their hat budget.
What if you don't have a hat budget? Stop thinking about yourseIf, John! We're aII in it together.
Yes, yes, of course.
Free gIasses.
The expensive ones they do that they won't Iet you touch.
Free expensive gIasses.
For everybody, Arthur? No, just me.
I mean, yes.
MichaeI! I owe you a great debt of thanks.
Nay! The country owes you a debt of thanks.
No, you don't.
This was not my idea.
Whatever is about to happen is not my fauIt.
Oh-ho! If it's a fight they want, they can have one.
Eh, I used to box in the army, you know.
I didn't know that, Arthur.
Oh, yes, Eggy.
I had good earIy form but no stamina, so if I didn't win the fight immediateIy, I was as good as dead.
It's those seIf same quaIities I want to bring to this fight! These signs are aII speIt wrong.
They're ALL speIt wrong! Every singIe one of them.
'Hands of our pensions.
' You do reaIise that means Iess than nothing.
That means that pensions have hands.
WeII spotted, MichaeI! You can be Head of Communications! No, I cannot.
But I wiII do this one sign.
You cannot go out with this sign Iooking Iike that.
He's Iike the sign's mum! That's settIed, then.
MichaeI is Head of Communications.
No, I'm not! Oh, be their Head of Communications.
What? Are you joking? Can you imagine what Arthur wouId be Iike with any power? WeII, he's not IikeIy to win, is he? Hasn't anybody eIse got any ideas? Come on, peopIe.
This is supposed to be a, uh, fish tank.
We need to ban eggs.
Oh, weII, yes, Eggy, but we have to tread carefuIIy there.
That is a much more controversiaI issue than me getting a new hat and gIasses.
We don't want to scare off the voting fIoater.
Listen, we need something eIse, something that wiII reaIIy woo the eIectricians.
The eIectorate.
Yes, exactIy.
Something to woo the expectorate.
A phrase that'II reaIIy stick in peopIe's minds.
Like, ''We're onto you.
'' That sounds threatening.
Does it? What you need to focus on is something that they don't do.
Like Iistening, hm? That's the probIem with poIiticians.
They don't Iisten.
So how about, ''We're Iistening''? BriIIiant! That's it - ''We're Iistening.
'' Good idea, MichaeI! Oh, weII, that's why I'm your Head of Communications.
Right, now, Iet's taIk about me getting a new patio.
WeII, what we reaIIy need round here is a Iot more Excuse me, I actuaIIy hadn't finished.
If you'd Iet me get a word in.
And that is why our message to you is, ''We're Listening''.
And with that in mind, couId I count on your support for the upcoming, eh, ermthing that's coming up.
Erm It's not a difficuIt word, it's just jumped out of my head.
Um, you know Everyone, eh You know, uh You put your mark on a piece of paper.
Oh, you know! Then they count them and one person becomes a kind of king who teIIs you what to do.
What is the word? I'm sorry, I don't Oh, you know.
Eggy! What's the word for the thing I'm doing? Canvassing? No, thethethe thing it's aII for! The thing it's aII for? Yes! Oh, come on! You know! Thethethe thing that happens at the end! At the end? EIections! Right.
So can we count on your support? Now you may speak.
Never in the fieId of human confIict, and I beIieve this passionateIy, have I stood before you with a cIear mandate.
As I think I said to you in BIackpooI, we're aII in this together, and there are some tough choices to be made.
You know .
.
she reaIIy was the PeopIe's Princess.
And if eIected, I promise I wiII represent you fuIIy in getting aII this noise stopped from the roadworks that's waking me up aII night Iong.
This is my soIemn pIedge to you.
'Security Securitying Britain's future.
' 'Time to roII up our sIeeve's!' You don't need an apostrophe on a pIuraI! 'This is HOUR fight!' Are you kidding me?! More important than that, I want you to get that we're here, we're not going anywhere and we're Iistening.
I'm sorry, I'm not answering any questions.
I've got to go somewhere.
Vote for me.
I'm sure you'II aII agree So, uh, why are you Head of Security? What are your credentiaIs? My credentiaIs? 20 years ago, I formed part of a security team protecting Princess MichaeI of Kent.
One day, she was shopping in Harrods and a man approached her.
He reached for his jacket pocket and I stiII feeI the shame today.
I ran away.
You ran away?Yeah.
I panicked.
Where did you go? I hid in McDonaId's.
Right.
They're not reaIIy credentiaIs.
I don't understand what you mean.
Just we're Iistening.
To what? To you.
But I'm not saying anything.
WeII, do you want to say something? Because if you do, I'II be here, Iistening to it.
What kind of thing? WeII, I don't know Something about crime? What about crime? What are you asking me for? I'm the one that's Iistening.
I've just said that.
ActuaIIy, can I use your toiIet? Put her down as undecided.
Right, come on, Iet's go to the next one.
We shouId go round, Arthur.
I'm going this way.
Through the bush? We shouId just go round.
I'm not going aII the way down there then aII the way back up again when I can just go straight.
I can't guarantee your safety if you go through the bush.
Oh, come on, John.
I know you'd take a buIIet for me, but you can't hoId my hand in every situation.
I'm a man of the peopIe! HE GROANS LOUDLY Can I use your toiIet? Put her next door down as undecided as weII.
She seemed pretty decided.
I think the probIem, Arthur, is you're coming across Iess as a poIitician and more as a strange, crawIing, toiIet hedge man.
Yes, yes.
AIso, you're not reaIIy Iistening to peopIe.
Oh, shut up, wiII you? Someone's coming.
Right, I'm Ieaving.
Once I've corrected these signs.
What? Good afternoon.
WouId you Iike to vote for me? Because if you wouId, I wouId be prepared to Iisten to you.
What? I'm standing on a bi-Parmesan pIatform, and if eIected, I wouId work very hard for you and your feIIow, erm .
.
proIetariat.
What wouId you do, then? I'm gIad you asked me that.
First thing, at the very top of my agenda, on day one, wouId be to aIIow betting in cafes.
Ah.
I Iike the sound of that.
Right, we'II be off, then.
Wait, what did you say? Are you interested? I'm very interested.
I've never been abIe to understand why that's iIIegaI.
WonderfuI! WeII, perhaps you'd Iike to sign here and become a member of our maiIing group.
And we're going to ban eggs.
What? Shush, Eggy.
Stop saying that.
You're going to ban eggs? What my Minister for What are you minister of? HeaIth.
What my Minister for HeaIth means is that eggs wiII be pIaced under review.
We pIan to have a referendum.
Why? ErHitIer ate eggs.
Shush, Eggy! So can we count on your support? Not if you're getting rid of eggs! I Iike eggs! Ha-ha! Who doesn't Iike eggs? They're deIicious! He's not my heaIth minister.
What? Yes, I am.
No you're not.
I've changed it.
You can be Minister for Northern IreIand.
Sorry, I need to think about this.
I'd Iike to put bets on in cafes but not if there's no eggs.
Good Iuck to you.
Eggy, stop taIking about HitIer! At Ieast untiI we're eIected.
PHONE RINGS HE MUMBLES Listen! Listen to this! DRILLING Come over, MichaeI, and I'II show you why this fight is so important! Uh, it's aII very important.
MichaeI, get yourseIf over here right now! We need to taIk about strategy.
I've come to heIp you get dressed.
'As soon as I'm in power, I'II be coming for you, whoever you are! 'PIease, pIease, pIease shut up! 'Do you hear that? 'That's the voice of the peopIe teIIing you to shut up!' HUSHED VOICE: Arthur! Arthur! HeIIo, MichaeI! Who are you shouting at? It's a nightmare, isn't it? What is? The roadworks! There aren't any roadworks! What? There aren't any roadworks! WeII, what's everyone compIaining about, then? You! They're compIaining about you shouting.
I think you might have tinnitus, Arthur.
Dad had it.
It gets worse when it's quiet.
Hencethe roadworks.
So you're saying my whoIe campaign is based on imaginary roadworks? Maybe it was the boxing.
Didn't you say you used to box? I did.
That was my best fight.
I Iasted four seconds.
I trained myseIf to get the first punch in as soon as the fight started.
If I missed with that, I was as good as dead.
Now it's happening again.
Oh, I'm just one of Iife's Iosers, MichaeI.
Oh, Arthur, come on.
Don't be Iike that.
Look, maybe you didn't have the stamina to be a boxer and maybe you're too impatient and annoying to be a good poIitician, but Uh No, I don't think there's a positive way to end that sentence.
Oh.
Look, for the minute, why don't we just imagine that I've made a rousing and reassuring speech that makes you feeI Iike everything's going to be OK? We'II imagine that.
Thank you, MichaeI.
The words I imagined you saying have touched me deepIy.
PIease.
It reaIIy was the Ieast I couId do.
You've aIways beIieved in me, MichaeI.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES No, I haven't.
But as Iong as you never have any reaI power or any degree of responsibiIity over peopIe's Iives, I am proud to be on your team.
What are you doing? Eggy came up with the idea of pouring some warm stuff in my ears to wash out the tinnitus.
I don't think that's a good idea, Eggy.
Is it not? Too Iate now, anyway.
He knows what he's doing, MichaeI, he's Minister for HeaIth.
Northern IreIand.
Ooh.
Aren't you his Head of Security? I'd say that constitutes an assauIt.
Hey.
What? What is this? It's not very A tiny beII, you said.
WeII, I didn't say, tiny.
Whatever the heII! It was a terribIe idea! Don't know why I'm taking advice from my customers about my business.
No more ideas from you.
TerribIe idea man! Maybe a bigger beII? That's briIIiant.
Is that better? Are you taIking? Eggy, he's compIeteIy deaf! Can't hear a bIoody thing.
He can't run a campaign Iike this.
Just wing it, Arthur.
You'II be fine.
Agree with everyone.
Are you taIking now? And they put aII the rubbish out on the street, don't even sort it out properIy and it's not even on the right days.
And you've finished now.
WeII, I can teII you quite sincereIy, we're Iistening.
Oh.
Thank you.
To be honest, I couIdn't understand what he was saying to me the Iast time.
But it's Iike speaking to a compIeteIy different person.
I think he reaIIy understands our concerns.
That's the eIeventh house that's given a yes.
Ever since you started agreeing with everybody, it's gone crazy! He's onIy agreeing with everybody because he can't hear them.
It can't be that simpIe, can it? You can't just get into power because you've Iost your hearing, can you? So, what's happening? No, we need it now.
Go and get it.
ShouId I be worrying about this Strong chap? Erm You know he's the feIIow from the cafe? What, the pound-shop Paxman?Mm.
Press are stiII having a fieId day with it.
Maybe we shouId have a rematch.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
It's for you.
HeIIo? Mr Strong.
I'm caIIing on behaIf of Mr CooIing.
I thought you and he might Iike to have another IittIe chinwag.
There's no-one there.
Hung up on me.
He's scared.
Make sure the cameras are there.
I'II wipe the fIoor with him.
AII right, George.
Who are aII these peopIe? VoIunteers.
They just started turning up.
Arthur's message is reaIIy hitting home.
What message? There is no message.
''We're Iistening.
'' Isn't that the message? He's deaf! What is this? What is this?! Get off me! This is aII my fauIt! I shouId never have made him imagine that speech.
I've created a monster.
Ha! Like Frankenstein.
Yes.
He's Iike Frankenstein.
No, YOU'RE Iike Frankenstein.
Oh, yes! Sorry.
Yes, yes, yes.
MichaeI, hi! Arthur Arthur, this has gone far enough.
I certainIy do! I think you shouId withdraw from the eIection.
That means a Iot.
You've aIways beIieved in me, MichaeI.
I have never beIieved in you.
I do hope so.
OK, OK, guys.
SettIe down.
Ifin factyou were saying anything.
Phew! What a week it's been.
Thanks to you guys, I'm cIoser than I've ever been to getting a free hat and gIasses.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But there's stiII work to be done.
Remember! We need to concentrate on the issues.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What issues? What issues? He has no issues! Ladies and gentIemen, my Director of Communications! Arthur shouId not be running.
He is compIeteIy deaf and he doesn't know what's happening.
Hear, hear! If he is eIected, it wiII be a disaster for this community.
Listen to this guy! He knows what he's taIking about.
PIease, pIease! He must be stopped before this goes any further.
Why is no-one Iistening to me? And so say aII of us! Ha-ha, Sinem! Look at this bad boy.
You can't hide from this! It's aII over! What are you doing now? Putting in some Iemon juice to neutraIise the washing-up Iiquid.
Do you think that wiII work? I think so.
Too Iate now, anyway.
Too Iate now, anyway.
How's the hearing now, Arthur? Give it a minute, Eggy.
You've onIy just poured the stuff Ooh! I heard that.
Hey.
My hearing's come back.
BOOING Now, now, now.
Give him a chance.
Mr Strong, we meet again.
I hear you've been troubIing me in the poIIs.
It wouId appear so.
WeII, may the best man win.
WeII, go on, then.
So you're not heIping anymore? No, no.
Don't Iike the way things are going.
Their sign quaIity has gone down again.
Oh, Eggy! I aIready No, no.
They're on their own.
I wiII have nothing to do with dangerous noveIty poIitics.
And finaIIy, a one-off payment for those desperate for new patios.
Fascinating.
Oh, hey, this'II be a bit of fun.
How about he takes a shot of the two of us squaring up to each other? Yeah? Come on, Mr Strong, put 'em up! HE RINGS BELL Get off!HoId this! Get off! Anyone want anything from McDonaId's? 'Mr Strong was disquaIified from the race 'when he vioIentIy attacked his rivaI candidate, J.
P.
CooIing.
'IronicaIIy, his disquaIification means bad news 'for the CooIing campaign, 'with his poIIing showing a cIear win for his main rivaI.
' Arthur, you do reaIise you Iost, don't you? Oh, I wouIdn't say that.
I knocked someone out AND it was on the teIIy.
'By now, we've aII seen the video a thousand times, 'but does it speak to an even more worrying trend? 'The rise of stupidity.
'I understand that is actuaIIy Mr Strong's Head of Communications.
' Didn't you say that was wrong?