Coupling (2000) s02e03 Episode Script

You won't admit you love me And so How am I ever To know You always tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps Susan's.
being diverted.
Please hold.
Hello? Hello, who is this? Um for God's sake, is this|some kind of pervert? It it's Steve.
Oh, Steve!|Hi.
It's Sally.
Yes.
You looking for Susan?|She's not here.
No.
My shower's broken,|she said I could use hers.
You could try|her mobile ohh! No! She bent right over,|right in front of me! You lucky bastard! Lucky?! Brilliant! That kind of thing|never happens to me.
Jeff, she's a friend! I'll never be able to|look her in the eye again.
But at least|it happened once.
You had|an opinion yet? Nope, nothing.
I keep trying|to have an opinion, But nothing happens|in my head.
My point exactly.
Men can't have opinions|about fabric.
They haven't got|the equipment.
So what happened?|What? With Sally's ass? Oh, bollocks.
What's wrong? I just cut you off.
Steve? Yes, Sally? You're standing right|behind me, aren't you? I'm more than usually|certain of that.
I'm going to|pick up this towel.
You're going to|look the other way.
Clear? Yes.
Yes, good idea.
I'm really sorry|about this, um I was just looking|for my keys, I thought I might have|left them here.
Okay.
But I couldn't find them.
So I thought|I'd phone Susan's mobile, But it diverted here.
Oh God, I'm just so sorry About this whole|nudity situation.
Did you look everywhere? Okay okay, yes, I looked.
I'm a bloke, you bent|over, I looked shoot me.
Did you look everywhere for your keys? How can I ever tell Susan? What do you mean? She's my best friend.
My best friend's boyfriend|has seen my bottom.
There must be|a rule about that.
A rule just for bottoms? You've never understood|about bottoms, Jane.
Having a bottom|is living with the enemy.
Not only do they spend|their lives slowly inflating, They flirt with men While we're looking|the other way.
I think you've got|a very troubled relationship With your bottom, Sally.
Well? I nearly had an opinion|about that one.
What was it? It's got a lot of lines.
Okay.
Uh, what do you|think about that? I don't know.
You see? It's not genetically possible For men to have|opinions about fabric.
So anyway what did, uh Susan say about|the whole Sally's ass thing? It only happened this morning.
|I haven't told her yet.
You can't tell her, Steve ever.
Why? Sally is Susan's best friend.
She's completely off-Limits.
You have seen into The very heart|of the forbidden lands.
You must never speak|of what you saw.
"The forbidden lands"? Best friends and sisters you can talk to them,|you can be friends with them, But you never|get a backstage pass.
What, you mean you're allowed|to do everything else? No, what he's saying is, Your girlfriend's|best friend and sisters Are off-Limits.
I dated twins once|for a month.
Exactly.
And what happened|when they found out? When they found out? They were working me in shifts! I was in a threesome,|I didn't even know it.
I was exhausted.
I kept wondering when|she slept, when she ate.
Why she kept|changing her name.
So how could even you|not notice you were dating Two different people? You see, identical twins|can have a weird psychic link.
Yeah, you're right.
|Identical woulda been worse.
Okay.
Okay.
Sally's bottom|what did you think? Well, it it was a bottom, It was one|I hadn't seen before.
I wasn't bored.
Did you like it? I like Susan's better.
Then why bother|with Sally's? Well, it it was fresher.
And it was|it was new bottom to me, It increased|my bottom-Seeing total.
Ah.
No.
Susan and me, We're very together now.
We're at that kind of|moving-In stage.
You know, it's all about|fabrics and curtains And and cushions Susan gave me this|a week ago! I was supposed to have|an opinion by now! How am I expected|to have an opinion in a week?! So what if you tell Susan That you've seen|Sally's bottom? I will tell her.
We're honest with each other,|we tell each other things.
Yeah? And what|if Susan asks If you liked|her best friend's bottom? What if? Don you know what|she'll really be asking? Do you know what|Captain Subtext would say? "Captain Subtext"? She'll be saying,|"do you fancy my best friend?" And who is Captain Subtext? So what will you tell her|when she asks you that? The truth.
But you do fancy her.
Everybody fancies Sally.
Okay.
I'll tell her lies.
She'll know.
Will Captain Subtext tell her? Captain Subtext|isn't a real person, Steve.
Yes, I got that.
So who will tell her? The prickles, the blurts,|and the head laugh.
And are they real, or do|they work with the captain? Oh, Steve|they're real.
Hi.
Hi, sorry I'm running late.
No problem.
Can't stay long.
|Late night shopping with Steve.
We're at the furniture stage.
Good luck.
Oh, no, he's taken|a real interest.
He's had a pattern book|for a week.
I may need both your opinions|on a sofa, by the way.
Ooh, I love giving opinions,|I've got hundreds.
Did you use my shower okay? Sure, thanks.
Steve turned up, by the way|he lost his keys.
Oh, right.
Hope he didn't catch you|with your kit off.
Stage one|the prickles.
You can feel the prickles|starting all over your face.
If you just think|the word "blush," Your head will inflate|to three times its normal size.
And then you realize|you're not saying anything.
Your stuck on "pause," And you've forgotten|how to work your face, And the pause is just|getting longer and longer, And you've got to|get back in control! Mistake two the blurts.
No.
No, of course he didn't.
No.
No way.
As if.
|No, of course not.
Why would you think that?|I mean, come on, Susan.
Then you realize|you were speaking too fast, And you've got to compensate,|make it seem all right.
That's when you make|the biggest mistake of all.
You do the head laugh.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, what's wrong? Was he the one|with the magic ring? I'm sorry? Captain Subtext,|did he have this ring That would shoot out this ray And it would become|like a giant fist Or an axe|or something? No, that was Green Lantern.
Was he the one|with the giant cave, then? Patrick! There isn't a Captain Subtext! It's just an expression for when you say one thing|and mean another.
Exactly.
|He didn't have a cave.
He lived in our attic and had secret meetings|with my mother.
Right.
He had a special helmet|of truth detection.
If I ever told any lies, he's sneak into my room|when I was asleep and perform surgical|operations on me.
You can stop any time you like, Jeff.
Every morning I'd check, and my penis would be|a tiny bit smaller.
Every time I told a lie, he's sneak in|and remove another segment.
Segment? That's how my mother|would know if I'd been fibbing.
"Keep up with|all your lying, Jeffrey, I've always|wanted a daughter.
" Ah, mothers, eh? I'm sorry, but that's|completely mad.
It's a little special,|isn't it? People don't say one thing|and mean another, It just doesn't happen.
People make subconscious|slips.
We all do it.
Thank you, Steve,|but I think you'll find Not everybody|has a subconscious.
Very probably true.
Anyone want|another drink? Great, yeah.
Better not.
|Came in my penis.
I'm taking it to the garage.
Been having trouble lately,|it just won't start.
Your car? I said "penis" there,|didn't I? So having a bit of car trouble, are we? Anything you wanna|share with us? Any of your|motoring difficulties? Look, you two|may have subconsciouses, But there's nothing|going on in my head! All right, only joking.
Just kidding.
Anyway, it was your fault, You started talking about|traitors in the first place.
Penises! Not traitors.
Penises.
Whoo hoo! Anyway,|look at the time, It's well past time|I was getting off.
'Bye, guys.
'Bye.
See ya.
Okay, so Steve saw your bottom.
So what? So my relationship|with your boyfriend Has been thrown|completely off balance By the weight of my bottom! Can I please|rephrase that? Well, look, I'm not exactly|feeling threatened here.
Steve's terrified of you,|and you think he's useless.
You like men|who can do things.
Don't we all? No, I mean practical things.
She likes plumbers,|carpenters.
She cruises the yellow pages.
I do not.
She's been known|to put on her best frock And sabotage the dish washer.
What would be the point? I hate having sex at home.
I've got a listening|flat mate.
Oh, no!|I hate those.
Do you have to be|really quiet for her? No, I have to be really loud.
|We're very competitive.
You know, I'd never|have pegged you As liking|the practical type.
Oh, I like a man|you can kick out of bed And he'll do things|'round the house.
That means|there's a point to well, the rest of him.
I like a man|in a tool belt.
It's all just there,|in a row.
Sex and mending things.
It says, "I can fix|your cistern, And I can|fix your cistern.
" I've always thought plumbers|must be the best at sex.
I mean, there must be|a lot of useful crossovers.
Well, then, I just need a good reason|to call out a plumber.
Aaaah, your shower.
Good idea.
|I'll break my shower.
No, your shower is broken.
I'm sorry? You had to use mine|this morning, remember? Of course.
Exactly.
My shower's broken.
|I had to use yours.
Silly of me,|forgetting like that.
Ha ha ha ha ha! You could fake an opinion.
Yeah, you could|have an opinion About patterns|with lots of spots.
Like what? Well, you could|say that, um you're undecided|about spots.
That's not an opinion, That's not having|an opinion.
I can't go in with that.
Why? Are you feeling guilty? Yeah, a bit.
About the ass-Seeing? Yes, about|the ass-Seeing.
But that's all you did,|isn't it? You just ass-Saw.
Of course it is, nothing more.
|What makes you think that? Nothing.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I think perhaps|you should go.
Right.
Steve.
|Yes? Could you stop thinking|about my bottom, please? I'm not.
|You're picturing it.
I am not.
|I've moved on.
It's still in there.
Well, it's in there now you've reminded me.
Well, get rid of it.
|You keep bringing it up! I can't get it|out of my head It's expanding.
Expanding?! Like space jelly! What's space jelly?! I don't know! My bottom is not|expanding space jelly! I'm just big-Boned! Oh, thanks!|Now I've got breasts! For God's sake! Are they gone yet? Yes, they're gone.
Thank you.
Steve, I am your girlfriend's|best friend.
I know.
As for as you are concerned,|I stop from the neck down.
As far as I'm concerned,|you're not even plumbed.
Plumbed? Sorry! Sorry! Let's try putting this|delicately, shall we? Yes.
Delicately|would be good.
As Susan's best friend, I am, to you,|a bit like Australia.
Australia? Very distant,|largely uninhabitable, And with areas|of great danger.
Oh, right! I see.
|Good.
I thought it was about|having a lot of convicts.
I was trying to say, Steve, That there are|very few areas of me Where you can go in safety.
Right, good.
Very delicate|way of putting it.
Thank you.
You mean I can visit|your Sydney or your Melbourne Exactly.
But I'm not welcome|in your bush.
I think I'll|probably just go.
I think you probably will.
Oh, by the way.
|What? You're not in|the least bit big-Boned.
You're fine.
You look great, really.
Thank you.
Steve|hmm? Do you mean that?|I'm sorry? I'm asking do you mean that? Do you really|find me attractive? Sally? Sorry about this.
My boyfriend's|really let me down.
Don't worry,|we're open till ten.
Pity.
Pity? Why do girls like you|always have a boyfriend? Because I have acute|nymphomania and my own brewery.
Ha ha ha ha! I like women|with a sense of humor.
You'll attract them.
Okay.
Is this the one? I think so.
Sally's there.
Yeah, I know.
With her ass.
It'd be quite scary|if she'd left it at home.
You don't understand.
I can't look at her|without imagining her ass now! It's like it's transmitting I'll look at her face,|and I'll get ass! It was me that saw it!|Me, not you! I know, but it's out there now.
You released it, Steve.
Sally's ass|has tasted freedom, And it's never going back.
Steve, hi.
Hi.
I thought|you weren't coming.
What do you|think of this? What is it? It's a suede cushion.
Well, I'll need|a little more time.
Okay.
Did you bring|the pattern book? Yeah, absolutely.
|Here it is.
Any opinions? Um uh we have other fabrics.
|Would you like to see them? Oh! Do you have anything|with spots? No.
Because actually, I'm, uh, undecided|when it comes to spots.
Well, I'm sorry we're going to|have to miss out on that.
Why are you|staring at my face? I'm not, I'm not.
|I'm staring at your face.
What?! Okay, so after a whole week|you haven't actually managed To have a single opinion,|have you? Um about that number, yes.
Okay.
Fine.
|No problem.
Um, can everyone just come And have a look|at this sofa, please? This is the sofa|we're thinking of buying, And what we've gotta do|is choose a covering.
I'm gonna show you|my favorites.
Anyone scared so far? I'm scared.
You're always scared,|Jeff, you don't count.
Right.
I want to know|what you really think.
You've seen my best friend naked.
Nnnn I've I've seen|your best friend naked.
Oh.
Your boyfriend's|seen me naked.
Cleft.
Let's all|talk about me! I wonder how my bottom|actually looked.
Buttocks.
Gusset.
|Bicycle saddle.
Me, me, me, Me me! I have an enormous penis.
Actually,|I've got a bigger penis.
By far.
Sorry, but my penis|is staggeringly vast.
Look, I'm I'm massively well-Endowed.
I'm the manager here, So my penis is like|an enormous train.
With gigantic oh, for God's sake! Can you please|just be honest with me? About what?|Anything! The fabric thing? Anything at all.
Just give me some evidence|of sentient activity, Instead of just|standing there Waiting for something else|to be indecisive about.
Are you|all right? What's wrong,|Susan? Cleft? I mean sorry.
What do you expect? You bring me|to a place like this I can't have opinions|in a place like this! I just have to fake opinions|to stop you getting cross.
Don't be ridiculous.
Okay, okay I'll show you.
What is this?|It's a cushion.
Right.
Yes.
|It's a cushion.
Thank you for that|very informative.
Have you got any of these? No.
Of course you haven't.
You are you married?|Living with anyone? No.
Got any of these?|No.
Of course not! You bring these things|into our homes they sit on our chairs.
They watch our televisions.
Now, I just need to know on behalf of all men|everywhere, I just need to ask, please what are they for?! I mean, look at them look at the chubby|little bastards Just sitting around|everywhere what are they|pets for chairs? Come on you sell them,|what are they for? Well you sit on them.
Ah! Ha ha ha!|That's where you're wrong.
Nobody sits on them.
Watch this.
Here's the cushion,|I'm putting it on the sofa.
Now watch me - I'm sitting down, And what do I do|on my final approach? I oh! move the cushion.
D'ya see?|It's not involved! It's not part of the|whole sitting process, It just lies there|it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite! It's, you know padding.
Oh, padding.
Now, that's interesting.
See, I like padding.
If I was, say,|an American football player, All those big bastards|running at me, I would say, "Give me some of that padding,|and be quick about it.
" If my job involved|bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "in view of|those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding,|thank you very much.
" But Susan, Sally, Jane this is a sofa.
It is designed by|clever scientists In such a way so as to shield|the unprotected user From the risk of skin abrasions,|serious head trauma, And, of course daleks.
Trust me girls,|trust me on this one you do not need padding|to tackle upholstery.
So please|once and for all, Tell me why on earth You would want me to sit|on one of these! Because if you pressed it|firmly against your bottom, It might stop you talking! I saw Sally naked.
I know.
It was an accident|so what? Oh, right!|Of course.
And that's all there is to it, right? It's just a stupid mistake.
Absolutely.
|'Course it is.
Nothing more to it.
|Why would there be? Ha ha ha!|Ha ha ha! The prickles, the blurts,|and the head laugh.
Jeff works in my office,|remember? Oh, right.
Um Susan, there's just A little bit more.
Sally? This is probably|a bad idea.
What is? Well what do you think? We're not in Sydney anymore.
Come on|am I attractive? Well yes.
Am I having an effect on you? Yes.
Absolutely.
|How much of an effect? For God's sake,|what do you want me to do measure it? There's nothing here|that a man would find repulsive? Of course not! Then why are you|looking so frightened? Because you're Sally! Because the next time I see you|I'll be thinking of you naked! It'll be like meeting|Jenny Agutter.
Jenny Agutter? Imagine meeting Jenny Agutter it'd be just,|"seen that," "Seen that.
" Jenny Agutter will do just fine! Thank you.
'Bye now.
|What? Would you mind?|I've got no clothes on.
Oh, right.
Yes.
Why? Why did you do that? Actually, yes why? I was feeling|a bit insecure, Needed a bit of a boost.
Sally you flashed my boyfriend! The truth.
Now.
Well, pretty sure|I'm still attractive, So I don't think it's my fault.
I've never had|a failure before.
Well, neither have I.
Never, ever.
Maybe we shouldn't have|been here for the first time.
You're not gonna|tell anyone about this, are you? Oh, Patrick,|of course not.
You and Patrick!? When did Patrick had a failure! It's like discovering|there isn't a Father Christmas! Patrick? I thought you|were going home.
I can't.
It's my car|my big end's gone.
make your mind up We'll never get started And I don't wanna wind up broken-Hearted So if you really love me and please don't tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps