Crossing Swords (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1
‐ Need water
‐ Oh
You think they can spare some?
Oh, stop it!
Ah! You're getting me wet and drenched!
‐ Oh! Your Majesties, I think we're here.
‐ Tulip, brace yourself.
We're about to embark on
a harrowing adventure.
A tacky destination wedding.
Remember, we need to impress
King Rami with our newfound wealth.
I made a mess of things
after that, uh, golf weekend,
and we need him back
as our kingdom's ally.
‐ Hear that, Blossom?
Everyone must be on their best behavior.
‐ Hear that, Human Shield?
Don't be fucking disgusting.
I can't believe Holden's
gonna marry a prince. Should we say hi?
‐ We're supposed to be working.
‐ Yeah, you're right.
We'll just say hi from here.
Holden! Holden! Congrats, buddy!
Squires for life! I hope you
wreck that dude tonight!
Or that he wrecks you! I'm unclear on
your relationship's sexual dynamics!
Maybe go for the flippy flop!
See what feels right!
Okay? Mazel!
Well, it looks like
they have a fun chemistry.
‐ Merriman! Glad you could make it!
‐ Now, hold on, Rami.
Before you bring up Chill Society
Wait, y‐you said
you're glad I could make it?
‐ Of course!
Sorry you just got your
invitation this week.
The guest list was quite full,
until we heard about
your kingdom's reversal of fortune.
Rich now, I hear?
‐ Oh, I don't know.
Am I?
‐ I like you with money.
Kill all those waiters.
Anyway, I'll see you at
the rehearsal dinner,
which reminds me.
As a visiting head of state,
I'd be honored if you gave a speech.
‐ How much time do I get?
30 minutes? 10 minutes? Tight five?
What's the topic?
‐ Uh, the marriage between my son
and your squire Holden.
Oh! You're a real gas!
See you at the party,
Moneybags.
‐ Rami just gave me a nickname!
We're becoming BFFs already!
‐ That's great, Sire.
‐ Oh, and now I have to give
a speech at the dinner.
Grab some cue cards
and bring me my dream journal.
‐ Yes, sir.
‐ This is great!
And once Rami sees
the wedding gift we brought,
it could seal the alliance
between our two empires.
With his blood lust and our money,
we could own the world!
‐ Well, that's terrifying.
‐ I need you to be my
right‐hand man this weekend.
Your only job is to make sure
this wedding goes off without a hitch.
And if you fail,
I'm demoting you to squire.
‐ Your Majesty, I am a squire.
‐ Patrick, don't joke about that.
Someone might think you're a squire!
Oh! Also, who the fuck is Holden?
‐ See you, Mom.
I'm gonna go bet on some strippers.
‐ You can't leave. You must stay
and represent our kingdom with class.
‐ Like you're doing, Wine‐Lips?
‐ Getting open‐bar hammered
is expected of a queen.
This is my cross to bear!
Besides, don't you want to meet the prince
that your father and I
arranged for you to marry?
‐ What?! But I'm dating Keefer!
‐ Oh, yes.
Your imaginary
ghost‐slash‐musician boyfriend.
So much potential there.
‐ You should be
happy I'm dating him!
We're practicing abstinence!
We don't want to,
but he's a bodiless poltergeist.
‐ Sorry, darling.
It's already been arranged.
‐ Hence the name.
‐ Ugh!
Move it, you fucking tourist!
‐ Whoa!
‐ Ah, my yearly poker shakedown.
"Wanted for card counting, eye stabbing,
and general female trickery!"
Eh. When they're right, they're right.
Lucky for me, I always carry a disguise.
Ha, ha!
Hey, that's the Pirate Queen!
What the fuck's wrong with her eye?
- Disgusting!
- Get her outta here!
‐ Don't show your face here again.
And fix that eye, for Christ's sake.
‐ We shall now begin the toast
for the wedding between my wonderful son,
Prince Rami V,
and his betrothed, Squire Holden
some‐common‐last‐name‐
I‐can't‐fucking‐remember.
‐ Ha! I'm actually the son of a duke.
‐ Perfect! That takes the sting
out of having your son
marry a gay squire.
First up, King Merriman!
‐ I'm so nervous.
I haven't done this in a while.
Is the word "taint" still funny?
‐ What?
‐ Of course it is.
Thank you, Rami.
When I found out we were
coming to your sandbox,
I was worried about taint‐chafing.
But so far, so taint.
‐ Achoo!
Thank you!
Now, on to the happy couple.
Webster's Dictionary defines sodomy
‐ Oh! Jesus.
This speech is a trash fire.
I gotta do something.
‐ Oops. Cue cards are down.
No problem.
I'll improvise with some crowd work.
You there, the hot little piece
of ass in the second row,
what's your name, sweetheart?
Princess Blossom.
‐ Oh. Uh, the cue cards are back.
Finding that person to spend
the rest of your life with
is always worth celebrating.
I wish that your union
brings you the same happiness
I have found in mine.
Wow. I really slayed up there.
Even though you cut my titty joke.
You know how hard it is to work
a titty joke into a gay wedding?
‐ Merriman, thank you for that
heartfelt speech.
Let's talk about the alliance
between our kingdoms
after the wedding tomorrow.
‐ We have to keep impressing Rami!
Go to the hotel
and make sure our wedding
gift is ready for tomorrow!
Dad, come on. I don't want to marry
some swampland duke's kid.
‐ Stop complaining!
You just need to play the part
until tomorrow.
‐ Looking for something?
‐ Patrick, stop pestering my in‐laws.
‐ Prince Rami sounded upset.
Is everything okay between you two?
‐ Of course. We're great. Perfect.
‐ Well, King Rami said something about
"playing the part until tomorrow."
It sounded serious.
‐ You're just jealous
I'm marrying a prince,
and you're still a squire.
Excuse me, I need to go yell at a caterer.
He didn't do anything wrong.
It's preventative.
Jonathan! You call that foie gras?!
‐ Good god, Tulip. You're smashed.
‐ I am? Hooray!
Garçon! This queen requires
more mac and cheese balls, please.
‐ Your eighth cheese ball, m'lady.
‐ And I'll eat eight more
‐ King Kevin? Is that you?
How the hell did you go
from king to cater waiter?
‐ Oh, it's just plain old Kevin now.
Rami conquered my kingdom.
It was this or the guillotine.
But, you know, it's not so bad.
Unless you're, you know,
serving belligerent royals.
‐ Tulip,
if we hadn't struck it rich,
that could've been us.
‐ How embarrassing for King Kevin.
Oh!
"Wanted.
Kill at your earliest convenience"?
Wow. I'm impressed, Ruben.
They hate you in more
places than I thought.
Ah!
‐ Oh! Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?
‐ Why are you in the king's hotel room?
And what the hell is that?
‐ This is the king's wedding gift.
The ancient sarcophagus
Merriman's grandfather
stole from this kingdom
during the Great War.
Merriman is returning it
and wanted me to glam it up.
Ooh Ah
‐ Oh my god
‐ Right? I'll come back later
to pour on just a few more
dozen rhinestones.
‐ They may have vandalized you,
but I'll look after you
and make sure that this
wedding goes smoothly.
Somebody order
a Ruben sandwich?
Hello, Patrick! Fun joke with
the Ruben sandwich, right?
Did you get it?
Anyway, I'm here to ruin the wedding.
‐ You can't be here. They're handing out
wanted posters with your face on them.
‐ Ugh! I know, and I'm sorry
you had to look at that bullshit.
They do no justice to my cheekbones.
Higher! Sharper!
‐ What did you do?
‐ Well, let's just say I may have sent
sexually explicit letters
to the prince's fiancé.
Which is what I definitely did.
‐ To Holden? Why?
‐ It all started last year.
We met in the minotaur's labyrinth,
and shared a beautiful romantic moment.
Ah! Fuck! Ah!
‐ Use the peach! Use it. Use the peach.
Oh fuck! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh, fuck, that feels good!
‐ Goddamn, what a painful,
beautiful memory.
‐ That was too much information.
‐ I haven't been able to get
Holden out of my head ever since.
So, I'm here to stop the wedding.
‐ What, just because of some casual sex?
Wait. Do you love him?
‐ What? Who? That asshole?
Ew, gross. No! Fuck him!
You know what? Don't fuck him.
Nobody should fuck him
'cause I fuckin' hate him!
Fine. I love him. Oh, boy!
What is wrong with me?
‐ There is nothing wrong with you.
I know how you feel.
Sometimes, I still think
about Danielle and wonder
is she out there, thinking about me?
‐ Oh, Patrick
I am going to kill you.
‐ I love you, too, Danielle.
Why is this door locked?!
‐ Blossom?! Uh, be right there!
‐ Patrick! Did you know my parents
already arranged my marriage
to some butt‐pimple prince?
I mean, like, what about Keefer?
‐ Oh, Blossom,
every teenage girl has her ghost phase.
‐ He's the love of my life!
God!
‐ I know
being separated from
your loved one is hard.
I myself look out at the moon‐‐
‐ Yeah, moon‐shmoon, rainbows and sharts.
I just came in to grab some
bills to hit up the strip club.
Thanks for nothing, Patrick.
‐ I couldn't breathe in there!
And the mummy has a death boner!
‐ Where'd you get that scarab necklace?
‐ What's a scarab?
‐ It's like a beetle.
‐ Then just say beetle. Pretentious.
This? I've always had this.
It's my signature scarab necklace!
But we're focusing on the wrong thing.
How do we stop this wedding?!
‐ Look, I was ordered to make
sure the wedding goes smoothly,
and I cannot fail.
Promise me you'll stay out of sight.
‐ Baby, I'm always out of sight.
Ruben away!
‐ Bravo! Bravo!
‐ Eat my fart! Ah!
‐ Ah!
‐ Ha, ha, ha!
- Ah!
- Ah!
Ha, ha! Fuck!
Woo‐hoo!
PATRICK Ruben!
‐ Hey! Come on!
Ah, fuck
‐ Patrick,
you're not supposed to touch them.
‐ Who was that?
‐ Ah, just some desperate loser
trying to pass as a stripper.
‐ Oh. Well, he looked like,
um, someone I knew.
Oh well. Back to my fiancé.
Or maybe, I'll just go back to bed.
Okay, Blarney,
I taught you everything
I know about cheating.
Now, just go in there
and win us that jackpot.
It's foolproof.
‐ Oh, I love when something is described
as foolproof, and then it's handed to me.
‐ For the entrance fee. Now, go.
Coral! Oh, you're still here!
Oh wow. I th‐‐ I think I
I think I lost.
Oh, my dogs! My dogs!
‐ Back to the drawing board.
‐ Patrick, in the spirit
of this gay wedding
you look a hot mess, girl.
‐ I didn't get any sleep last night.
My brother is trying to ruin the wedding.
We have to keep a lookout.
‐ Say no more. I'll keep watch outside,
and we'll make sure
he doesn't get into this pyramid.
Hey! Sup, Ruben?
‐ Well, Liam, after this wedding,
you'll retire with
a perfect 30‐year record.
And then, you'll drink
this bottle of port that you were gifted
when you officiated
your very first wedding!
And now, to warm up the old vocal cords.
A big black bug bit a big black‐‐
Oh!
‐ You again?
Stay out of my way, you human bumper car!
God!
‐ Blossom,
this is Prince Anthony Junior,
your future husband.
‐ You're the butt‐pimple prince?
‐ I'm AJ, the Mattress King's son.
I'm mostly in sofa beds.
You can call me the Pull‐Out Prince.
‐ Okay.
Well, you're funny. I'll give you that.
‐ King Rami insists that your family
sit up front during the ceremony.
‐ Rami, this is the richest relationship
I've ever been in.
No, no. Um
You make me feel secure
financially. Terrible!
I wish you wouldn't have
sex with other dudes,
but I do like it when you buy me
pretty gifts to make up for it.
Oh, I'm a whore.
‐ Holden, time's running out
on the rest of your life.
‐ Ah! Are you here to kill me?
‐ Damn it. That was
supposed to be romantic.
‐ Ruben? What are you doing here?
‐ We belong together.
When I'm fucking you,
it's like I'm fucking myself.
It's literally all I've ever wanted.
‐ Don't you think I know that?
We're the same!
That's why you should
understand I'm marrying Rami!
I'll be a rich prince,
and I know deep down
you'd do the same! I'm sorry!
We'll always have that time
we boned each other's brains out.
‐ No What
Oh god!
Why?!
‐ Who needs special wine when you've got
a perfect record on
the line, right?
Please take your seats,
and we'll get started.
Care for a program?
‐ What is that guy wearing?
What the
‐ Care for a program?
‐ Aren't you King Kevin?
‐ Shh! It's just plain old Kevin now.
I was king.
Now, I experience the living hell
known as the service industry.
‐ How did this happen?
‐ Rami invited me to his grandson's bris.
Next thing I know, I'm locked up
and my kingdom's invaded.
Didn't you read the fine print
on your save the date?
‐ "Invitation to come."
‐ Look closer.
‐ "Invasion to come"?
It's a coup!
Oh, right.
‐ Patrick, sit down.
You will not upstage me.
‐ I have to save the Royal Family.
‐ Gentlemen, I'm afraid you'll find
that there's no room at the inn
because this house
is full!
‐ Sir, that is only four cards.
‐ Oh shit. Where'd I put that other card?
Achoo!
Oops, sorry! I've had a cold lately.
Achoo!
I'd like to call a do‐over.
Damn it, Blarney!
‐ Security! Arrest this clown
‐ First touch I've had all year!
‐ and that slot machine.
‐ Too late, boys.
See you all in hell!
Ah! Oh
‐ Oh, what do I do?
What do I do? What do I do?
Stop the wedding!
‐ I have
so many feelings!
Yet I do not
know what to do!
Interesting.
It seems we have captured the man
who's been sending you
pornographic love letters.
As an early wedding present to the grooms,
I sentence this man
to immediate execution!
‐ What?!
Holden! Remember the peaches!
:
Peaches peaches peaches
‐ Rami, I do care for you
r money. But,
I'm in love with someone else.
‐ Alright! Everyone calm down!
I was going to wait until
the end of the ceremony,
but since the groom
is getting cold feet
Guards! Capture our new servants!
‐ Ooh! New servants. Thank god.
King Kevin is terrible.
‐ He put a pineapple in my martini.
‐ The new servants are us, you idiots!
‐ You were a fool to come here, Merriman.
My kingdom would never
join forces with yours!
And I would never
be friends with you.
‐ But you gave me a nickname!
You said you loved my speech!
‐ All lies. Your speech was terrible.
You hit on your own daughter!
‐ Patrick wrote most of it!
I wanted to do a titty joke!
Here, I'll just tell you it now.
A woman walks onto a tomato farm
and falls tits‐first into some red paint‐‐
‐ So, this whole wedding was a sham?
‐ You really thought
a prince with this ass
would marry a squire with your ass?
You were nothing but a pawn!
A pawn with an ass so flat,
I called you Stupid‐Flat‐Pancake‐Ass‐Pawn
in all of our secret overthrow meetings.
‐ Jesus, so much ass‐based criticism!
‐ Take the Royal Family to be fitted
with their new servant shackles!
‐ Wait! Before we do anything rash,
let's not forget about uh
Merriman's wedding gift!
It was supposed to reunite our kingdoms.
‐ Your kingdom steals
my great grandfather's remains,
defaces his coffin,
and then tries to give it back to us
as a gift?!
‐ Okay, culturally sensitive it is not,
but I bet the inside's better!
Nope. Much worse.
‐ You have committed the ultimate insult!
You shall be executed!
‐ Uh W‐wait!
These beautiful symbols
haven't been spray‐painted over.
Let us never forget
the famous words Uh
"Eyeballs winking, dog on a hamburger bun,
eyeballs winking, sideways vagina‐‐"
‐ No! Stop it!
‐ I know my accent is terrible.
"Hockey stick, butter knives,
frog with a broom
sassy turtle, and guy
doing the Running Man."
‐ Merriman! Your idiot squire
read the Sacred Text of the Undead!
‐ Ah! Ah!
‐ Why must I be so irresistible?!
‐ This wedding is a shit show.
At least it's only one mummy.
‐ Well, we should probably
get the fuck outta here.
‐ Hey! Put me down,
you necrophiliac's wet dream!
‐ Hey, son of a bitch!
‐ Come on!
‐ Wait! I always pull out!
‐ You are a lot of fun.
‐ Ha, ha!
‐ Rami, why did you do all this?
‐ To get your kingdom's money!
You don't deserve it.
You ruined Chill Society,
and you're a terrible king!
Pretending to be your friend
was the most disgusting
thing I've ever had to do!
‐ You want my money, Rami?
Well, here it is!
‐ Ah!
Ah! Trapped by the help!
‐ Ruben! It wants the scarab!
‐ What's a scarab?
‐ We are not doing this again!
Throw me the necklace!
‐ Now, go! Save your love.
‐ I'm sorry, Holden.
You're just not my type.
I like twunks. It's a cross
between a twink and a hunk.
They're young and fit!
‐ I am young and fit!
‐ Ah Gah! Ha, ha!
Ruben away!
‐ Ah!
‐ You're not getting
out of here alive, boy.
‐ Uh, um Hyah!
At least somebody's getting
head at this wedding!
Oh god, I am completely numb to violence.
‐ No sign of Ruben yet, Patrick.
‐ Get the camels ready!
Never mind! Just fucking run!
‐ Well, we finally caught Coral,
the cheating Pirate Queen.
‐ I am really gonna enjoy
carving your other eye out.
‐ Hey, Coral, what do you
think is the most unlikely way
we could get out of this predicament?
Huh. I would've guessed aliens.
‐ Come on, Blarney, let's go!
‐ Merriman! You'll pay for this!
When you least expect it,
I will destroy you!
And your kingdom will be mine!
‐ Well, that was about
as much of a clusterfuck
as most destination
weddings turn out to be.
‐ Did you see those centerpieces?
Oh! Talk about tacky.
‐ I think we're gonna be invaded soon.
‐ Goodbye, Blossom. I look
forward to getting to know you better.
Mwah!
‐ Oh
‐ You must be excited
to get back to Keefer.
Blossom?
‐ Back to who now?
‐ Ah, come on, guys!
We have 18 hours ahead
of us on this camel!
Let's all try to be cool?
‐ Let him watch.
‐ Ah
That was amazing.