Damned (2016) s02e03 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 3
1 - Morning! - Agh! What are you doing? Feels like you're giving me a heart attack.
Don't worry.
- Get off.
- All right, sorry.
You looked so weird, I thought I'd better try and help.
You normally only do a heart massage if the patient is unconscious.
Anyway, what you doing here at 6.
47 .
.
and 18 seconds? You promise you won't tell anyone? I can't promise that, no.
It would be entirely unprofessional.
OK, well, just not Denise then.
I stayed on late last night trying to track the files.
The missing ones that should've been digitized.
I know you all blame me.
No.
No, no, everyone, speaks very highly of you.
Well, anyway, it got really late, so I went to sleep.
- Please don't - Oh! - You OK? Feeling faint again? I'm presuming you don't carry a tooth brush, or tooth paste? I suggest you head to the chemist and get some.
Maybe pick up some deodorant while you're there.
I can't find my other shoe.
Puppy's basket? - Checked.
- Under the bed? - Checked.
- Wardrobe? - Haven't checked.
- Right, we'll look for that in a minute, OK? Have some fruit.
Mum, the dog pooed on my coat again! Wear your old coat.
That is SO last season! Oh, what a terrible choice Coat with poo looks nice, coat without poo -- ooh! -- not fashionable.
Get some fruit, all right? It's nearly time to go.
Ooh, that's my boss.
- 'Good morning.
- Morning.
So, Mrs Donnelly - Ms Donnelly.
- Sorry, Ms Donnelly.
With Brexit Morning! Morning, Al.
Fancy a coffee? How are your powers of observation, Nat? And how's the hunt for the missing files going on? They're not on top of your head, are they? Oh, I'll go and put the kettle on.
And how are you powers of observation, Al? You tell her.
I don't want to be attacked by Mimi for looking at a woman from the neck down.
Fucking hell and massive bollocks.
Has anyone seen Sunshine TV this morning? Or as I like to call it, Shitshine.
Denise was on talking about the effects of Brexit on the social care budget.
Oh, no.
That's not good for morning TV, it'll put everyone back to sleep.
No, well, they asked her about abuse at the local football club and she just froze.
Oh, well, that's not like the cold-hearted old witch.
Hey, now, come on, now.
That's not very nice.
I wouldn't say she was old.
Nat, where's your skirt? Agh! I forgot to put it on! Oh, no, everyone's seen my knick-knocks! Ohhh! Not really fair to blindside Denise like that.
First we heard about that case was when that bloke came in a few weeks ago, none of the staff that he accused are still working there, so it's a police matter.
That said, let's have a look at the Boudicca of suburbia's brain freeze before she gets here There we are.
Here we go.
Oh! 'A case has resurfaced in the last week, a historic abuse case at the local football club.
- Sorry? - Er, Elm Heath Strollers.
I understand you had a complaint about this in the '80s.
This isn't going to look suspicious at all, is it, if Denise arrives? Tell you what, Mimi, you keep a lookout, OK? If she arrives, keep her talking.
Yes, Rose, I don't think that's a very appropriate task for Oh, there she is! The alleged victim has come to us with information.
She's coming.
Go on, then, Mimi.
Go on! .
.
historic abuse would be dealt with by police and not by - Now it sounds like you're passing the buck.
- Eh Good gracious! - Ms Donnelly? - Come on, crank it up, old girl.
Oh I think that's what we call brain freeze.
Ohhhhh! Denise, we need to fight toilet tyranny.
What are you going on about? The toilets, they need to be torn down and replaced with gender-fluid, - non-binary, intersex, androgynous - I can't hear myself think! Just piss off.
- Morning Morning, Denise.
- Morning, Denise! Strategy meeting in five.
Buckling under the pressure of celebrity a little early, I think.
You all right? Yes I'm fine, I suppose, but They look like lovers.
Maybe you're reading too much chick-lit.
Chocolate? Who said chocolate? I haven't had any breakfast.
Chick-lit.
Oh, that reminds me, I've got an interview later at the university library.
So, will you cover for me, please? Thank you.
You can't work in a university library.
- Why not? - Well, cos you'll get mistaken for some creepy, mature sociology student.
You'll get chucked out for harassing the freshers.
What is chick-lit? It is modern romantic fiction, you silly arse.
Well, forgive me for not being interested in the literary fantasies of desperate, middle-aged women.
So what's on your bedside table -- a foot pump for your blow-up friend? The police stopped me, they said the baby needs to be in a car seat.
- How old is the baby? - He's six months old.
I said, "He's in a car, in a seat, "he's not rolling around in the fucking boot!" Right, Alastair, what is happening with the Haimes family? I saw on the log that you got a call earlier.
There's a huge amount of concern about the four-year-old, Carter, who's on the child protection register.
We all know the father is a violent criminal who comes and goes.
Nat You put "a well-known VIOLET criminal", Nat.
There's a fear that Carter has been left alone since yesterday.
Or if Animal, the dad, is there at the moment Not like Amimal from the Muppets? Not It's not like the Muppets, no.
It's a totally different Animal.
Don't put Muppets in the minutes, Nat.
I'm going over there and I .
.
I have coordinated the visit and done all the safety and achievability stuff with the plod, so So professional, right up to the last word.
- Would you like me to go, Al? - Go where? - Could think of a few places.
- With you, to the assignment.
Because I've got a meeting with Zach nearby, and I thought with my police experience Thanks, but I've got a little more experience than you.
I can probably manage.
You stick with Zach, you can cope with that, can't you? - Lunch? - How about a candlelit dinner for two somewhere? Tete-a-tete, then back to Al's place for a jigsaw.
Cos we're in the same area, so .
.
we could just grab a coffee, or Dignity, Nitin.
Face it, he's just not that into you.
Children, please! Rose, we'd all very much like to hear about how you are getting on.
Are you going to court later today? - No, why? - Your clothes haven't got any food on them.
It's a rare sight.
Now, how are the Wilton clan progressing since we found out a little bit more - about Jen Wilton and her new boyfriend that she met online? - I'm sorry, I didn't Oh, Rose, please do not tell me that you're not up to date with your own cases.
Give her a break, we all have brain freeze from time to time.
I beg your pardon, Alastair? I'm just saying, that Green Party leader, Natalie Bennett, she had it on the radio when she Yeah.
That was funny, wasn't it, cos she goes on about global warming and yet her brain froze.
Are you talking about me on Sunshine this morning? Sunshine? What's Sunshine? I don't know what you're talking about, I listen to Radio 4.
Anyone? Dunno.
Yeah, actually, Rose came in and told everyone about it.
Hang on a minute! - Well, you did, so - Can I speak to you outside, please, Rose? - Martin, take over.
- Thanks.
Um, OK.
Er, right.
Oh, I forgot, Ingrid's calling in on Skype.
Ah, yes, yes.
Hello, hello, Ingrid.
I just wanted to apologise for not getting into work this morning.
Limahl's been school-refusing.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yes, sorry, yes.
The Cafferty child turned up drunk at school again today.
Erm, they had a call, er, and also, they found a bottle of vodka .
.
in his bag.
And he threw up on the, on-on-on the PE teacher.
Guys Guys, can we, can we focus? - Fuck! This table's gone to fucking - Limahl! Right, OK Ingrid, can you just send it in an e-mail? Send it in Send it in an e-mail.
Just Guys, we You behave like a child.
You couldn't wait to come in here and take the piss out of me before I've even had a chance to explain what was going on.
Look, I'm sorry, but it looked like you just couldn't explain what was going on.
We've all head those head-melting moments.
Oh, so you're subscribing to the brain-freeze theory, are you? - Ish.
- Well, thank you very much for your support.
All right Children's Services.
Hello? My partner and I would like to adopt a baby Yeah, but not an ugly one.
Hello! Carter? You in there? Carter, can you open the door? Oh, God.
Carter, that's dangerous! Carter, you need to put that down.
You'll cut yourself.
Shit.
Oh, Jesus, where's Plod? Have you spoken to your wife? Er, yeah.
Er, we're talking and no longer texting in caps.
And she's seeing the GP for that thing she's got, you know? Postnatal depression.
Mm-hm, yeah, that thing.
Um, she's been told to rest a bit and do a course of CDT.
Craft design technology? No, not that.
That's something they used to give the thick kids to do at school.
- And you're drinking? - I've cut right down.
I don't start till he's asleep and I don't have more than a bottle a night.
That's, you know, I'm pretty rigid on that.
One bottle, beer.
Wine.
- One bottle of wine is a lot.
- Bollocks.
I can have two before it affects me.
Look, you can't be drinking that much alcohol around the baby.
He's asleep.
If he wakes at night, I will have had a few, but it's fine.
I don't sleep through his crying or anything.
Well, I might do.
I wouldn't know.
I don't think I do.
No, cos I wake up.
It's fine.
It's fine.
On top of all this, you seem quite depressed.
Er, do you think that's got anything to do with the fact you're in my house? Being happy is, like, it's not the natural state anyway, is it? - And people who are happy all the time are just fucking irritating, ain't they? - Yeah.
They're the mad ones.
You know, you have good days and bad years.
Ugh Your head stinks of Monster Munch.
Fucking pickled onion or something! Ugh! Carter? Carter, put the knife down.
I think a nanny would help if it would give Sophie a break.
Yeah, but she feels guilty about a nanny.
Feels like it's giving up, and I have problems with nannies because mine used to hit me with a carpet beater.
- What? - I know, it was horrific, I don't want to No, what's a carpet beater? Oh, it's like a big woven thing.
Like a big fly swatter that you beat carpets with.
Wow.
OK, is she still alive? Because you could bring a case against her for cruelty.
Yeah, but it's complicated.
She's married to my dad now.
OK.
Can I use your loo before I go? Yeah, if you have to.
Sure.
Top of the stairs.
Flush twice, though.
Shit.
Hello.
Hello.
- And you need to start paying for it.
- OK.
Yeah.
You've got a job now and I'm sick of your excuses.
- I'm sorry, Mum.
- Pay the rent, so you need to get it to me.
Yes, I realise.
I owe you rent.
You'll have it, I promise.
Typical.
Where's the fucking social worker? Late as usual.
Do we know if there's anyone else in there apart from the - ankle-biter? - Don't know.
But I checked the address, and Animal Haimes lives here.
Shit! Be careful, then.
Can't see a bloody thing.
Police! Get away from me! Don't run away.
No, come back - Stop there! - No - Taser, Taser, Taser! - You're being Tasered! - Ohhhh! - Ohhhh! - Hey, hey! - What is going on, guys? - Ohhhh! - That groaning body on the floor is a social worker.
- Ohhhh! - Well, I didn't know.
- Take your finger off the trigger.
- Stop electrocuting him! - Ohhhh! Ah! Hi.
I work here.
Can I help you? Got an informal interview with Claudia, uh - .
.
a stupid name.
- Funnel? - Yeah, that's it! Hi, I'm Claudia Funnel.
- Bad start.
- I think you already started badly.
Let me help you out.
I can see you're upset about this.
Honestly, I couldn't, really.
In a weird way, it's patronising, even though it would be right, I think, because as a white male you are the ultimate oppressor.
It feels unprofessional, - despite me not having an actual job here.
- Mimi .
.
my kids aren't around at the moment, and I miss helping them out.
So, please, let me do this for you just the once.
Well, OK, thanks so much, Martin.
- How much? - £350 a month.
Crikey.
I'm out of touch.
OK, well, uh, there's there's £100.
I'll I'll give you the rest first thing tomorrow morning.
- All right, Nat? - For you.
- What do you mean? Well, you seemed to be crying a lot and now you're not.
I was crying because of the continuing ascendancy of the patriarchy being an anathema to my life.
Yeah, that really pisses me off too.
Well, I'm glad the interview was shit, because - I don't want you to leave! - Oh, I'm just sick of all the grimness.
I mean, look at today! I do my job.
All the thanks I get is to be electrocuted and now Animal Hames is going to be after me for taking his kid into care.
Why do you look like such a twat today, anyway? - Define "twat".
- Sort of drag-queen dinner-lady look.
Yeah, huh! '70s footballer! Oh, my God.
You've got a date! - Who is it? Poor bastard! - Well Denise Denise? What's going on? - No, Denise has got a brother, and it's him.
- Oh.
Oh, that's weird.
What's he like, then? Denise in slacks? Sort of paramilitary wing of the Citizens Advice Bureau? Hang on a minute.
- Hello, Daga.
- Your mum just - She did what? Oh, God All right, I'll be there as soon I can.
OK, bye.
Thank you.
Bye.
My mum's hit the occupational therapist with a painting.
Oh, dear.
I hope they're not going to chuck her out.
Well, that's what I'm worried about.
I mean, I can't have her back.
You, uh, you going out tonight? I doubt it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck! Oh! Sorry, Al.
Are you all right? All right, OK.
So how's things? Fine all the days people don't tell me to go back to Poland or Estonia - or Russia.
Or Esperanto the other day.
- Sorry to hear that.
I wish the Brexiteers would exit to the four corners.
So how's my mum been, apart from the incident? Well, she's been quite destructive and angry.
That's why she's having her meals in her room at the moment.
She starts a lot of arguments otherwise.
What?! Oh, what do you want now? Oh Hello, Mum.
How are you? - Nice dinner? - Why don't you try some? - What did you do that for? - Felt like it.
- Shit, I'm supposed to be going out later.
- Fuck off, then! Why don't you fuck off yourself?! - Don't! - Oh, I'm sorry.
I really shouldn't talk to my mum like that.
Well, we all want to.
School policy says no smacking, so I gave Oliver a Chinese burn! - Is that all right? - Well, I would have some concerns about that, - actually, yes, sir.
- Oh, what, because I said Chinese? - Look, Mason, there's something I need to say to you.
Prepare for bollocking, prepare for bollocking.
- Thanks.
- Pardon? - Thanks.
- Yes, uh, well - Yeah, so fancy you pitching up in the nick of time.
- Mmm.
Like Batman.
Anyway, I owe you one.
Well, actually, Al Are you busy tonight? - Oh, that was quick.
You're asking me out? - Yeah, very funny.
I mean, I am actually meeting someone, but, I mean, I've met her a couple of times, but her sister is in town, staying with her, - so I thought, maybe - That I'd like to go on a blind date? Well, you know.
- Actually, why not? I could do with a drink.
- Yeah? Great.
Animal Hames is on the warpath, so I don't want to go - on my own, anyway.
- Oh, of course you don't.
- Where are you going? - Oh, just the usual spot.
Let's go to Scenarios.
- Scenarios, the worst place on earth.
- Scenarios is great! It's the worst-case scenario, is what that place is.
Oh, come on, you had such a good time there last time.
Yes, I got beaten up.
Oh, there she is.
I didn't see you come in.
Head for the toilet, eh? - Do you live in there? - I've been in there awhile.
- I, um, I had a slight issue.
- Oh, dicky tummy? - Oh, little bit of up-squirt.
- Oh, I'm not that clever.
No, the truth is that I went to visit my mum, and she chucked - her dinner at me.
- Ah, well, good shot.
- Well, easy target.
I mean, it was disgusting.
It looked like gristly stew thing, not even nice enough to lick off, so, anyway, horrible.
What can I get you to drink? Um, vodka and lime, please.
Can you make it a large one? - OK.
A large vodka and lime, please.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, shit, fuck! - Hiya.
- Hi, are you OK? - Yeah, I'm good, thank you.
- Oh, this is my sister, Lauren.
- This is Al, a colleague from work.
- So, this is a social worker uniform, is it? - Well, it's slightly dictated by our economic bracket.
- By what? - How much money we get paid.
- Oh, right.
Is it not a lot? - Also it's practicality.
Yeah.
Do you not, like, need to be, like, out saving kids or something? - We've done that today, haven't we? - We have.
OK, that's enough kids saved, is it? I don't know what constitutes enough.
- I've saved one today.
- That's really cool, that's really great! - Yeah.
You know that everyone thinks social workers are useless.
Just ignore her.
She thinks that Joseph Stalin is a good man.
- He did some good things for the trains.
- I really disagree.
He was good.
OK, I think I've things to do.
- Shame.
- This is all I need after a shit day.
- I don't know.
She's gorgeous, though.
- Is that your only criteria? No, they have to be clean as well.
- You expecting an earthquake? - I'm just trying to hide from - two of my colleagues.
They'll take the piss.
- Why, cos you're on a date - with such a minger? - I believe that word passed out of common parlance probably around about the 18th century.
It's a pity.
I've only just got my head round it.
- So, you've been married before, you minger? - Well, I'm a very recently divorced gentleman with an invisible "slap me down" tattoo - written across my forehead.
- You're just what I'm looking for.
Cheers.
- Have I passed the test? - You have.
There's a chubby woman on the floor over there.
I don't know if she's pissed or not.
She's just on the floor.
I mean, oh I hate fat people! Waddling into A&E, being like, "Oh, my joints hurt!" And they've eaten like twice their body weight in, like, Haribo for breakfast.
I don't even think the NHS should treat them.
You know, I think - they brought it on themselves.
- They're disgusting? - Thank you.
- Right.
Can we go? I just can't face them tonight.
They're such massive piss-takers! I just don't want to spend the night parrying the blows from my work colleagues! - You need to stop talking about fat people all the time.
- Why? You all right, Nitin? You seem to have metamorphosed into Katie Hopkins.
Uh, don't ever tell Rose I said something like that.
- She'll kill me.
- I'll kill you for bringing me on a date with a UKIP pin-up.
I'm going out for a fag.
I mean, Al's the worst.
He's going to take the piss out of me for ever over this.
- Hey, Rose.
- Bugger.
- Dennis, I presume? Nice to meet you.
Oh, shit.
Animal Hames has just spotted you.
Run, run, run! Very funny.
Rose is pretending there's a gangster behind me because she's determined not to let me meet you properly.
- Oh! - You fucking piece of shit! I'll kill you! Where's Carter?! Thanks, buddy! You just knocked out Animal Hames.
I should introduce you to my ex-husband.
We should probably go before he comes round.
- If he does, I'll just hit him again.
- You know, I didn't even hit him and I'm thinking about living under an assumed name.
I've got to go.
There's a family crisis.
- Denise? - Yeah, she's having trouble with a very persistent stalker.
Oh, so you're going to go and help sort him out? - Yeah.
Her.
Got to rush.
See ya! - What was that? - Did he just say "her"? - I heard "her".
Should we go and get a vodka and lime at another establishment, chubby? - Beg your pardon? - I'll tell you about it on the way.
- What about your date? - I'll pass.
She's marginally to the right - of the Hitler Youth.
- Mm.
How can you hate social workers? He looks really nice! No, look at him! Look, he's wearing anorak! People, they ain't no good I think that's well understood You can see it everywhere you look People just ain't no good at all.
Don't worry.
- Get off.
- All right, sorry.
You looked so weird, I thought I'd better try and help.
You normally only do a heart massage if the patient is unconscious.
Anyway, what you doing here at 6.
47 .
.
and 18 seconds? You promise you won't tell anyone? I can't promise that, no.
It would be entirely unprofessional.
OK, well, just not Denise then.
I stayed on late last night trying to track the files.
The missing ones that should've been digitized.
I know you all blame me.
No.
No, no, everyone, speaks very highly of you.
Well, anyway, it got really late, so I went to sleep.
- Please don't - Oh! - You OK? Feeling faint again? I'm presuming you don't carry a tooth brush, or tooth paste? I suggest you head to the chemist and get some.
Maybe pick up some deodorant while you're there.
I can't find my other shoe.
Puppy's basket? - Checked.
- Under the bed? - Checked.
- Wardrobe? - Haven't checked.
- Right, we'll look for that in a minute, OK? Have some fruit.
Mum, the dog pooed on my coat again! Wear your old coat.
That is SO last season! Oh, what a terrible choice Coat with poo looks nice, coat without poo -- ooh! -- not fashionable.
Get some fruit, all right? It's nearly time to go.
Ooh, that's my boss.
- 'Good morning.
- Morning.
So, Mrs Donnelly - Ms Donnelly.
- Sorry, Ms Donnelly.
With Brexit Morning! Morning, Al.
Fancy a coffee? How are your powers of observation, Nat? And how's the hunt for the missing files going on? They're not on top of your head, are they? Oh, I'll go and put the kettle on.
And how are you powers of observation, Al? You tell her.
I don't want to be attacked by Mimi for looking at a woman from the neck down.
Fucking hell and massive bollocks.
Has anyone seen Sunshine TV this morning? Or as I like to call it, Shitshine.
Denise was on talking about the effects of Brexit on the social care budget.
Oh, no.
That's not good for morning TV, it'll put everyone back to sleep.
No, well, they asked her about abuse at the local football club and she just froze.
Oh, well, that's not like the cold-hearted old witch.
Hey, now, come on, now.
That's not very nice.
I wouldn't say she was old.
Nat, where's your skirt? Agh! I forgot to put it on! Oh, no, everyone's seen my knick-knocks! Ohhh! Not really fair to blindside Denise like that.
First we heard about that case was when that bloke came in a few weeks ago, none of the staff that he accused are still working there, so it's a police matter.
That said, let's have a look at the Boudicca of suburbia's brain freeze before she gets here There we are.
Here we go.
Oh! 'A case has resurfaced in the last week, a historic abuse case at the local football club.
- Sorry? - Er, Elm Heath Strollers.
I understand you had a complaint about this in the '80s.
This isn't going to look suspicious at all, is it, if Denise arrives? Tell you what, Mimi, you keep a lookout, OK? If she arrives, keep her talking.
Yes, Rose, I don't think that's a very appropriate task for Oh, there she is! The alleged victim has come to us with information.
She's coming.
Go on, then, Mimi.
Go on! .
.
historic abuse would be dealt with by police and not by - Now it sounds like you're passing the buck.
- Eh Good gracious! - Ms Donnelly? - Come on, crank it up, old girl.
Oh I think that's what we call brain freeze.
Ohhhhh! Denise, we need to fight toilet tyranny.
What are you going on about? The toilets, they need to be torn down and replaced with gender-fluid, - non-binary, intersex, androgynous - I can't hear myself think! Just piss off.
- Morning Morning, Denise.
- Morning, Denise! Strategy meeting in five.
Buckling under the pressure of celebrity a little early, I think.
You all right? Yes I'm fine, I suppose, but They look like lovers.
Maybe you're reading too much chick-lit.
Chocolate? Who said chocolate? I haven't had any breakfast.
Chick-lit.
Oh, that reminds me, I've got an interview later at the university library.
So, will you cover for me, please? Thank you.
You can't work in a university library.
- Why not? - Well, cos you'll get mistaken for some creepy, mature sociology student.
You'll get chucked out for harassing the freshers.
What is chick-lit? It is modern romantic fiction, you silly arse.
Well, forgive me for not being interested in the literary fantasies of desperate, middle-aged women.
So what's on your bedside table -- a foot pump for your blow-up friend? The police stopped me, they said the baby needs to be in a car seat.
- How old is the baby? - He's six months old.
I said, "He's in a car, in a seat, "he's not rolling around in the fucking boot!" Right, Alastair, what is happening with the Haimes family? I saw on the log that you got a call earlier.
There's a huge amount of concern about the four-year-old, Carter, who's on the child protection register.
We all know the father is a violent criminal who comes and goes.
Nat You put "a well-known VIOLET criminal", Nat.
There's a fear that Carter has been left alone since yesterday.
Or if Animal, the dad, is there at the moment Not like Amimal from the Muppets? Not It's not like the Muppets, no.
It's a totally different Animal.
Don't put Muppets in the minutes, Nat.
I'm going over there and I .
.
I have coordinated the visit and done all the safety and achievability stuff with the plod, so So professional, right up to the last word.
- Would you like me to go, Al? - Go where? - Could think of a few places.
- With you, to the assignment.
Because I've got a meeting with Zach nearby, and I thought with my police experience Thanks, but I've got a little more experience than you.
I can probably manage.
You stick with Zach, you can cope with that, can't you? - Lunch? - How about a candlelit dinner for two somewhere? Tete-a-tete, then back to Al's place for a jigsaw.
Cos we're in the same area, so .
.
we could just grab a coffee, or Dignity, Nitin.
Face it, he's just not that into you.
Children, please! Rose, we'd all very much like to hear about how you are getting on.
Are you going to court later today? - No, why? - Your clothes haven't got any food on them.
It's a rare sight.
Now, how are the Wilton clan progressing since we found out a little bit more - about Jen Wilton and her new boyfriend that she met online? - I'm sorry, I didn't Oh, Rose, please do not tell me that you're not up to date with your own cases.
Give her a break, we all have brain freeze from time to time.
I beg your pardon, Alastair? I'm just saying, that Green Party leader, Natalie Bennett, she had it on the radio when she Yeah.
That was funny, wasn't it, cos she goes on about global warming and yet her brain froze.
Are you talking about me on Sunshine this morning? Sunshine? What's Sunshine? I don't know what you're talking about, I listen to Radio 4.
Anyone? Dunno.
Yeah, actually, Rose came in and told everyone about it.
Hang on a minute! - Well, you did, so - Can I speak to you outside, please, Rose? - Martin, take over.
- Thanks.
Um, OK.
Er, right.
Oh, I forgot, Ingrid's calling in on Skype.
Ah, yes, yes.
Hello, hello, Ingrid.
I just wanted to apologise for not getting into work this morning.
Limahl's been school-refusing.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yes, sorry, yes.
The Cafferty child turned up drunk at school again today.
Erm, they had a call, er, and also, they found a bottle of vodka .
.
in his bag.
And he threw up on the, on-on-on the PE teacher.
Guys Guys, can we, can we focus? - Fuck! This table's gone to fucking - Limahl! Right, OK Ingrid, can you just send it in an e-mail? Send it in Send it in an e-mail.
Just Guys, we You behave like a child.
You couldn't wait to come in here and take the piss out of me before I've even had a chance to explain what was going on.
Look, I'm sorry, but it looked like you just couldn't explain what was going on.
We've all head those head-melting moments.
Oh, so you're subscribing to the brain-freeze theory, are you? - Ish.
- Well, thank you very much for your support.
All right Children's Services.
Hello? My partner and I would like to adopt a baby Yeah, but not an ugly one.
Hello! Carter? You in there? Carter, can you open the door? Oh, God.
Carter, that's dangerous! Carter, you need to put that down.
You'll cut yourself.
Shit.
Oh, Jesus, where's Plod? Have you spoken to your wife? Er, yeah.
Er, we're talking and no longer texting in caps.
And she's seeing the GP for that thing she's got, you know? Postnatal depression.
Mm-hm, yeah, that thing.
Um, she's been told to rest a bit and do a course of CDT.
Craft design technology? No, not that.
That's something they used to give the thick kids to do at school.
- And you're drinking? - I've cut right down.
I don't start till he's asleep and I don't have more than a bottle a night.
That's, you know, I'm pretty rigid on that.
One bottle, beer.
Wine.
- One bottle of wine is a lot.
- Bollocks.
I can have two before it affects me.
Look, you can't be drinking that much alcohol around the baby.
He's asleep.
If he wakes at night, I will have had a few, but it's fine.
I don't sleep through his crying or anything.
Well, I might do.
I wouldn't know.
I don't think I do.
No, cos I wake up.
It's fine.
It's fine.
On top of all this, you seem quite depressed.
Er, do you think that's got anything to do with the fact you're in my house? Being happy is, like, it's not the natural state anyway, is it? - And people who are happy all the time are just fucking irritating, ain't they? - Yeah.
They're the mad ones.
You know, you have good days and bad years.
Ugh Your head stinks of Monster Munch.
Fucking pickled onion or something! Ugh! Carter? Carter, put the knife down.
I think a nanny would help if it would give Sophie a break.
Yeah, but she feels guilty about a nanny.
Feels like it's giving up, and I have problems with nannies because mine used to hit me with a carpet beater.
- What? - I know, it was horrific, I don't want to No, what's a carpet beater? Oh, it's like a big woven thing.
Like a big fly swatter that you beat carpets with.
Wow.
OK, is she still alive? Because you could bring a case against her for cruelty.
Yeah, but it's complicated.
She's married to my dad now.
OK.
Can I use your loo before I go? Yeah, if you have to.
Sure.
Top of the stairs.
Flush twice, though.
Shit.
Hello.
Hello.
- And you need to start paying for it.
- OK.
Yeah.
You've got a job now and I'm sick of your excuses.
- I'm sorry, Mum.
- Pay the rent, so you need to get it to me.
Yes, I realise.
I owe you rent.
You'll have it, I promise.
Typical.
Where's the fucking social worker? Late as usual.
Do we know if there's anyone else in there apart from the - ankle-biter? - Don't know.
But I checked the address, and Animal Haimes lives here.
Shit! Be careful, then.
Can't see a bloody thing.
Police! Get away from me! Don't run away.
No, come back - Stop there! - No - Taser, Taser, Taser! - You're being Tasered! - Ohhhh! - Ohhhh! - Hey, hey! - What is going on, guys? - Ohhhh! - That groaning body on the floor is a social worker.
- Ohhhh! - Well, I didn't know.
- Take your finger off the trigger.
- Stop electrocuting him! - Ohhhh! Ah! Hi.
I work here.
Can I help you? Got an informal interview with Claudia, uh - .
.
a stupid name.
- Funnel? - Yeah, that's it! Hi, I'm Claudia Funnel.
- Bad start.
- I think you already started badly.
Let me help you out.
I can see you're upset about this.
Honestly, I couldn't, really.
In a weird way, it's patronising, even though it would be right, I think, because as a white male you are the ultimate oppressor.
It feels unprofessional, - despite me not having an actual job here.
- Mimi .
.
my kids aren't around at the moment, and I miss helping them out.
So, please, let me do this for you just the once.
Well, OK, thanks so much, Martin.
- How much? - £350 a month.
Crikey.
I'm out of touch.
OK, well, uh, there's there's £100.
I'll I'll give you the rest first thing tomorrow morning.
- All right, Nat? - For you.
- What do you mean? Well, you seemed to be crying a lot and now you're not.
I was crying because of the continuing ascendancy of the patriarchy being an anathema to my life.
Yeah, that really pisses me off too.
Well, I'm glad the interview was shit, because - I don't want you to leave! - Oh, I'm just sick of all the grimness.
I mean, look at today! I do my job.
All the thanks I get is to be electrocuted and now Animal Hames is going to be after me for taking his kid into care.
Why do you look like such a twat today, anyway? - Define "twat".
- Sort of drag-queen dinner-lady look.
Yeah, huh! '70s footballer! Oh, my God.
You've got a date! - Who is it? Poor bastard! - Well Denise Denise? What's going on? - No, Denise has got a brother, and it's him.
- Oh.
Oh, that's weird.
What's he like, then? Denise in slacks? Sort of paramilitary wing of the Citizens Advice Bureau? Hang on a minute.
- Hello, Daga.
- Your mum just - She did what? Oh, God All right, I'll be there as soon I can.
OK, bye.
Thank you.
Bye.
My mum's hit the occupational therapist with a painting.
Oh, dear.
I hope they're not going to chuck her out.
Well, that's what I'm worried about.
I mean, I can't have her back.
You, uh, you going out tonight? I doubt it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck! Oh! Sorry, Al.
Are you all right? All right, OK.
So how's things? Fine all the days people don't tell me to go back to Poland or Estonia - or Russia.
Or Esperanto the other day.
- Sorry to hear that.
I wish the Brexiteers would exit to the four corners.
So how's my mum been, apart from the incident? Well, she's been quite destructive and angry.
That's why she's having her meals in her room at the moment.
She starts a lot of arguments otherwise.
What?! Oh, what do you want now? Oh Hello, Mum.
How are you? - Nice dinner? - Why don't you try some? - What did you do that for? - Felt like it.
- Shit, I'm supposed to be going out later.
- Fuck off, then! Why don't you fuck off yourself?! - Don't! - Oh, I'm sorry.
I really shouldn't talk to my mum like that.
Well, we all want to.
School policy says no smacking, so I gave Oliver a Chinese burn! - Is that all right? - Well, I would have some concerns about that, - actually, yes, sir.
- Oh, what, because I said Chinese? - Look, Mason, there's something I need to say to you.
Prepare for bollocking, prepare for bollocking.
- Thanks.
- Pardon? - Thanks.
- Yes, uh, well - Yeah, so fancy you pitching up in the nick of time.
- Mmm.
Like Batman.
Anyway, I owe you one.
Well, actually, Al Are you busy tonight? - Oh, that was quick.
You're asking me out? - Yeah, very funny.
I mean, I am actually meeting someone, but, I mean, I've met her a couple of times, but her sister is in town, staying with her, - so I thought, maybe - That I'd like to go on a blind date? Well, you know.
- Actually, why not? I could do with a drink.
- Yeah? Great.
Animal Hames is on the warpath, so I don't want to go - on my own, anyway.
- Oh, of course you don't.
- Where are you going? - Oh, just the usual spot.
Let's go to Scenarios.
- Scenarios, the worst place on earth.
- Scenarios is great! It's the worst-case scenario, is what that place is.
Oh, come on, you had such a good time there last time.
Yes, I got beaten up.
Oh, there she is.
I didn't see you come in.
Head for the toilet, eh? - Do you live in there? - I've been in there awhile.
- I, um, I had a slight issue.
- Oh, dicky tummy? - Oh, little bit of up-squirt.
- Oh, I'm not that clever.
No, the truth is that I went to visit my mum, and she chucked - her dinner at me.
- Ah, well, good shot.
- Well, easy target.
I mean, it was disgusting.
It looked like gristly stew thing, not even nice enough to lick off, so, anyway, horrible.
What can I get you to drink? Um, vodka and lime, please.
Can you make it a large one? - OK.
A large vodka and lime, please.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, shit, fuck! - Hiya.
- Hi, are you OK? - Yeah, I'm good, thank you.
- Oh, this is my sister, Lauren.
- This is Al, a colleague from work.
- So, this is a social worker uniform, is it? - Well, it's slightly dictated by our economic bracket.
- By what? - How much money we get paid.
- Oh, right.
Is it not a lot? - Also it's practicality.
Yeah.
Do you not, like, need to be, like, out saving kids or something? - We've done that today, haven't we? - We have.
OK, that's enough kids saved, is it? I don't know what constitutes enough.
- I've saved one today.
- That's really cool, that's really great! - Yeah.
You know that everyone thinks social workers are useless.
Just ignore her.
She thinks that Joseph Stalin is a good man.
- He did some good things for the trains.
- I really disagree.
He was good.
OK, I think I've things to do.
- Shame.
- This is all I need after a shit day.
- I don't know.
She's gorgeous, though.
- Is that your only criteria? No, they have to be clean as well.
- You expecting an earthquake? - I'm just trying to hide from - two of my colleagues.
They'll take the piss.
- Why, cos you're on a date - with such a minger? - I believe that word passed out of common parlance probably around about the 18th century.
It's a pity.
I've only just got my head round it.
- So, you've been married before, you minger? - Well, I'm a very recently divorced gentleman with an invisible "slap me down" tattoo - written across my forehead.
- You're just what I'm looking for.
Cheers.
- Have I passed the test? - You have.
There's a chubby woman on the floor over there.
I don't know if she's pissed or not.
She's just on the floor.
I mean, oh I hate fat people! Waddling into A&E, being like, "Oh, my joints hurt!" And they've eaten like twice their body weight in, like, Haribo for breakfast.
I don't even think the NHS should treat them.
You know, I think - they brought it on themselves.
- They're disgusting? - Thank you.
- Right.
Can we go? I just can't face them tonight.
They're such massive piss-takers! I just don't want to spend the night parrying the blows from my work colleagues! - You need to stop talking about fat people all the time.
- Why? You all right, Nitin? You seem to have metamorphosed into Katie Hopkins.
Uh, don't ever tell Rose I said something like that.
- She'll kill me.
- I'll kill you for bringing me on a date with a UKIP pin-up.
I'm going out for a fag.
I mean, Al's the worst.
He's going to take the piss out of me for ever over this.
- Hey, Rose.
- Bugger.
- Dennis, I presume? Nice to meet you.
Oh, shit.
Animal Hames has just spotted you.
Run, run, run! Very funny.
Rose is pretending there's a gangster behind me because she's determined not to let me meet you properly.
- Oh! - You fucking piece of shit! I'll kill you! Where's Carter?! Thanks, buddy! You just knocked out Animal Hames.
I should introduce you to my ex-husband.
We should probably go before he comes round.
- If he does, I'll just hit him again.
- You know, I didn't even hit him and I'm thinking about living under an assumed name.
I've got to go.
There's a family crisis.
- Denise? - Yeah, she's having trouble with a very persistent stalker.
Oh, so you're going to go and help sort him out? - Yeah.
Her.
Got to rush.
See ya! - What was that? - Did he just say "her"? - I heard "her".
Should we go and get a vodka and lime at another establishment, chubby? - Beg your pardon? - I'll tell you about it on the way.
- What about your date? - I'll pass.
She's marginally to the right - of the Hitler Youth.
- Mm.
How can you hate social workers? He looks really nice! No, look at him! Look, he's wearing anorak! People, they ain't no good I think that's well understood You can see it everywhere you look People just ain't no good at all.