Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e03 Episode Script
Awkward Speedoo
Whoa, candy coated peanuts, eh? When I worked here, we just had the plain kind.
When you worked here, they recycled the beer.
You knew about that? Oh, gross.
I was joking.
I know.
Gotcha.
So, peanuts.
Well, in my few months in the bar biz, I've learned people will eat just about anything you leave out for them.
I figured peanuts were cheaper than a lawsuit.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, turn it up.
It's police chief.
For those who don't know me, I am Police Chief Paddy O'Malley.
That guy's name is Paddy O'Malley? I know.
Paddy, that's a girl's name.
This is one of two personal motorized vehicles we've purchased for the Wessex police force.
Each of these speedoos, as they're called, has a high level of functionality.
I like to call it-- Oh, please don't say "Fun-tionality.
" Fun-tionality.
We'll be purchasing 50 speedoos by the end of the month.
It's a small price to pay for your safety.
What a waste of money.
Who's the brains behind that? And here's the mayor's chief of staff, Alan Duffy.
The mayor is 100% behind this initiative.
I guess I'm the brains behind that.
Those are toothpicks.
I know.
Whee! Any luck? The problem's bigger than I thought.
Good thing you brought in the pro.
Is it that bad? Yeah, it's really bad.
What's the problem? Spinny circle thing.
That's not good, is it? The worst.
We call it the beach ball of death.
Yeah, I'm going to have to shut your computer down, do a reboot.
You wanted to see me? Yeah, I already did, on TV, riding a speedoo.
Now I want to know why I saw you on TV riding a speedoo.
Explain yourself.
Well, if I'd had more time to practice-- The stage was really small so there wasn't a lot of room.
Why are we wasting money on this? The police wanted them.
It's no bigs.
"No bigs"? It's a huge-s.
Look, I need to be kept in the loop with this kind of thing.
I sent an email.
Well, I didn't get it, did I? The I.
T.
in this building sucks.
Yeah, I'm right here.
Look, the speedoo thing's not a big deal.
We got rid of the mounted police unit to help pay for it.
That horse is sure drinking a lot.
Yeah, he hasn't been the same since he lost his badge.
There's no way I'm footing the bill for something called a speedoo.
Call a meeting with the chief.
You're going to say no to the chief? Good luck, kid.
He's a hard-ass.
Bald man's right.
Paddy's tough.
The guys at the force love him like a father, a big, loveable, abusive father.
How do you know so much about the cops? Since I got the I.
T.
contract down at the station.
We're buddies now.
See? Oh.
Yeah, I got to call those guys again.
For some reason, they just treat me like one of their own.
Yeah, can't imagine why.
It's his moustache.
It's so nice to take our daughter out to lunch.
Yeah, and hear about her latest disaster.
Don't be so negative, Ed.
I'm sure she's doing great.
I got to say life is feeling pretty good these days.
It just feels nice to finally be happy.
Oh, come on.
You're laying it on a little thick.
You're happy? Did you break up with Dan? No! Damn.
Things are great with us.
How are you doing for money? I couldn't help but notice you ordered the least expensive items on the menu.
I like beans and gravy.
Uh-huh.
Look, work is fantastic.
It couldn't be better.
What are you working on? What aren't I working on? So, you're not working? I'm working a ton.
Just relax, okay? Danny boy, great to finally meet you mana-a-mano.
Good to meet you too, Chief.
So, what can I do for you? Get you out of a DUI? Got an ex-lover you need me to run a file on? Someone you need disappeared? No.
I wanted to talk to you about the speedoos.
See, we don't have the money in the budget for speedoos.
No money for speedoos? Nope.
I see.
Yeah.
I mean, there's just too many other departments that need the cash.
Wessex library needs more money? Shh.
It's a secret? No.
It's a library.
Shh.
(Neighing) He used to be a cop.
So, no speedoos.
I mean, you can keep the other two you already got.
But we're not ordering any more.
Whatever you say, Danny boy.
You're the boss.
You don't want speedoos, we don't get speedoos, simple as that.
Simple as that? Simple as that.
Limp, clammy handshake, I like that.
Thanks.
See those guys over there? They're cops, boys in blue.
Oh.
Cool.
Yeah, I'm just hanging with the cops.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking about asking them to do a ride along but I didn't want to ask right away, you know? So, I thought I'd build up to it.
Mm.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
Gotcha.
But do me a favour.
Have some champagne ready just in case they say yes, okay? Not to belabour the point, sweetheart.
But you will.
Since we all know you need money to make money, your father and I would like to offer you a little something from our personal bank account.
Only two points over prime.
Ed! Five points over prime.
I'm not taking money from you.
Think of it as us investing in your firm.
Because let's face it, sweetheart, no one else is lining up to.
We want to help you.
We're family.
Besides, people are talking.
Did you hear? Claire's been having money problems.
(Neighing) I appreciate your generosity but it's just not going to happen.
Why not? Because I just landed a big P.
R.
gig doing promotions for Fern's.
Isn't that right, Jeff? Uhh, sure.
Really? Yes, really.
Yeah, yeah, we just hired Claire.
You know, because it's important that a bar has a good public relations person doing, uhh, promotion-ing.
Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself.
I wish you had.
Well, I hope it works out for you, Jeff.
God knows she never finishes anything.
That's not true.
Y'all done with that? Yeah, I can't finish it.
Guys, guys, they said yes.
They said yes! I got to admit, I'm really proud about the way I handled the chief.
Yeah.
And you didn't think I had it in me.
God no.
No one did.
You showed him though.
"For you, Mr.
Mayor.
" Wow, that's creepy.
That doesn't make any sense.
This is my spot.
Did that cop just wink at me? I think it's called "Stink eye.
" Hey, easy on the fancy peanuts.
They're for our paying customers.
I ordered a soda water.
An hour ago.
Something for you? No, I've got an afternoon-er.
An afternoon-er? You know, now that I'm part of the police ride along program.
They gave you a badge, eh? Yeah, I had a pretty big jaywalking bust yesterday.
What part of "Crossing at the lights" don't you understand? Wow, sounds intense.
Don't even go there.
Listen, thanks again for covering with my parents.
No problem.
And don't worry, this whole fake P.
R.
gig won't affect you in any way.
Okay.
Like, in no way.
Sounds good.
Nada.
Got it.
Zippo.
Okay, it's starting to affect me.
Sorry.
I'll shut up.
(Phone ringing) Fern's.
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
Yeah.
One sec.
Remember that thing that wasn't going to affect me in any way? Yeah? It's your dad.
He wants to know what kind of P.
R.
you're doing for the bar? They're always checking up on me, like I'm lying to them.
You are lying to them.
Yeah, one second, Mr.
Kendall.
What do you want me to say? Tell him I'm doing a Twitter campaign for you.
But you're not.
I am.
I'll do it.
It'll be great.
Think of it as a freebie.
Yeah, Claire's doing a freebie Twitter campaign for us.
Don't tell them it's a freebie.
Okay, bye.
Your dad says you'll never make any money doing freebies.
That your car outside? Yeah.
This is for you.
What? What did I-- Ask the mayor.
This your bowl of peanuts? Yes.
Then this is for you.
"Candied nuts under possible allergy violation.
" What part of "Allergy violation" don't you understand? What? No.
Dan, I just got-- Sorry, just a sec.
That's crazy.
I'll call you right back.
My grandfather just got a ticket for loitering outside his old age home.
Yeah, well, I just got a ticket for parking too close to the curb, which I'm not even sure is a crime.
Join the club.
These all came in today.
Our entire staff got ticketed.
Some of these people don't have cars.
What's going on, Dan? I don't know.
Hey, Claire.
Come here.
Check this out.
It's not a freebie.
WOMAN: Sir, the mayor's here to see you.
Thanks, Push.
Send him in.
Danny boy.
Scotch? Candied peanut? No, thanks.
Listen, I'm not usually a get-right-to-the-point kind of guy.
Why start now? Because it's important.
Important? Sounds important.
Have a seat.
Listen, I'm going to get right to it.
What's with the intimidation tactics? I thought we were cool.
I don't know what you're talking about, Danny.
You're giving all my friends parking tickets.
And you got a cop outside my house.
I would never send a speedoo to your house in the middle of the night, Dan.
That's just creepy.
How'd you know he was on a speedoo? I never mentioned speedoo.
Ha! You just did.
Yeah, exactly.
I just did.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Dan.
Excuse me? Hey, look! Over there! You like how I made my chair spin, baby? Wow, what's going on? It's packed in here.
Oh yeah, Claire's Twitter campaign got all the college kids out.
Impressive.
And it was a freebie.
A freebie? Oh.
Only fools do freebies.
Well, I got to go help out the police.
For free? No, volunteer.
You think you can get Claire to do another freebie? I don't know.
Should I? So, Claire, your parents called again.
What? Yeah, right while I was busy at the bar doing important bar things.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, they called at the worst possible time.
You know how you said it wasn't going to affect me? Well, it really affected me.
Jeff, I'm so sorry.
This is crazy.
They can't keep checking up on me like this.
Like I said, Claire, it's really affecting me.
I'll get them to stop calling.
In the meantime, let me do another free campaign.
Only if it's not too much trouble.
How about a pool tournament? It'll get the people into the bar for the night and they'll spend their money drinking.
Thanks, Claire.
You're the best.
So, what exactly did my parents say? My secretary will show you out.
Hey, Danny boy.
Hey, Mike.
What's with the track suit? I've been training with the force.
Wow.
You've been spending a lot of time with the cops.
Yeah, they're like my adopted family now.
Well, there's definitely a family resemblance.
Yeah, we're all pretty buff.
Well, your buddy the police chief's been giving me a hard time.
Paddy? No, he wouldn't do that.
No, ever since I said no to the speedoos, he's been giving everybody tickets, trying to put the screws to me.
You're paranoid.
That's classic narcissistic behaviour, thinking that everyone-- What the frig? Frig? What is this? Oh, sorry, man.
Looks like he got you too.
That's what the frig.
Paddy's going down.
I thought you loved the guy? Oh, I'll cross the thin blue line.
No one messes with Ride Along Mike.
Why do we need the van? Because no one ever suspects an unmarked van.
Where'd you get all this stuff? Check, check, can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you.
Put on the headphones.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can still hear you.
All right, here's the plan: I go into Fern's, play some pool with the other off-duty officers, then casually get them to admit to using intimidation tactics against you and your friends.
The more you explain your plan, the less confident I am.
I've been waiting to do this my whole life.
Hey, Mike.
Wazzap? Alright, you got me.
I'm wearing a wire.
So, gentlemen, illegally recording officers, huh? Actually, we didn't get much recorded.
Just a "What's up?" Still a crime.
You ain't got nothing on me but I got plenty on you.
Don't take it out on Mike.
It was all my idea.
Sorry, Mike.
I need you to turn in your badge.
But-- There is no room in this department for dirty ride along guys.
You will never be one of us.
Now scram.
It's not you I want.
It's him.
Make like a garden and grow out of here.
I don't know how to do that.
I said grow out of here.
Oh, actually, before you go, could you take a look at my computer? It's got that spinning strange beach ball thing.
Look, you guys, there's something we have to discuss.
You know we never talk about family when we play croquet.
You can join us if you like.
No.
We've got to talk.
You've got to stop treating me like a child.
You can be blue.
Thanks, Daddy.
Listen, I'm upset that you're constantly monitoring me.
Monitor you? When was the last time we even thought about you? Really, Ed, when was that? Back when she drank the gravy.
I know what you've been doing.
Jeff told me.
You keep calling the bar and checking up on me.
We only called the once.
You mean you haven't been calling Fern's and checking up on me? Our lives don't revolve around you, sweetheart.
Never did.
Thanks for the game.
I've got to be somewhere.
Sure you do.
It's true, never finishes anything.
You messed with the wrong guy.
Nobody messes with Paddy McFlynn O'Sullivan O'Malley.
Really? That's your name? Yeah, why? Just two middle names seems strange.
Well, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling What you're saying is? What I'm saying is we're about to buy 48 new speedoos.
That's what I'm saying is.
I love those things.
Wouldn't want the good people of Wessex knowing there's a rat on the city payroll.
You mean you? I'm going to ignore that comment until I have an appropriate comeback.
Nice one.
I'll make the speedoo announcement.
Since you care so much, why don't you come along, Danny boy? Maybe say a few words? After all, you'll be signing the big cheque I'll be cashing.
You don't actually usually sign the cheque till the order comes in.
Shut it, ride along.
So? How'd the pool tournament go? Pretty good.
Yeah, almost made up for all these phone calls we've been getting.
Really? My folks are still calling here? Yeah, they just called.
Oh, really? Just now? They want to know what your next P.
R.
stunt's going to be.
Interrupted an important meeting we were having about the Beer.
Beer.
Oh.
I am so sorry times a million, guys.
I promise to make it up to you.
You can have my best idea yet.
It's got to be for free though, Claire.
We can't afford to keep losing money on these nights.
Nice.
Okay, here's my idea.
Are you ready for it? Poncho night.
Poncho night? Poncho night? Totally.
It's super popular in New York.
New York, eh? Look, you will have to spend a couple grand on ponchos, but you will make back three times what you put in.
On poncho night? What can I tell you? People like to drink in ponchos.
That's true.
I spend all of 1976 drunk in a poncho.
I miss being 12.
Trust me on this one, guys.
I haven't failed you yet.
Not yet.
After a brief trial period, it looks like our two sample speedoos were a huge success.
I told you.
It's useless going up against this guy.
He always wins.
And now our fine mayor, Mr.
Dan Phillips, has an announcement to make.
Danny? (Clapping) Thank you.
As Mayor, I am committed to giving the police the tools necessary to fight crime.
And now, also these speedoos.
These speedoos will help keep the streets of Wessex safe from low speed crime.
I'm sure they will be as useful as they are necessary.
So, I am proud to make this a priority of my administration.
(Crashing) Oh my God.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! WOMAN ON TV: Citing safety concerns in the wake of last week's horrific speedoo accident, the police have cancelled their order of the motorized devices.
I was never keen on them.
This was more the mayor's initiative.
That was a brave thing you did.
What was? Falling down on purpose, taking one for the team.
Oh, yeah.
I deliberately broke my leg, in three places.
Doctor says I'll never be able to-- But the real question is, what are we going to do with the two speedoos we already got? (Crashing) Ow! We should have known.
The one time we take an interest.
Poncho night was Claire's idea, yeah? Yeah, she said it was her best yet.
Well, she really is a dud.
Yeah, but these nuts, these candied nuts are good.
Were these Claire's idea? Nope.
Didn't think so.
Two customers? The night's gone better than I thought.
Yeah, looks like you got us.
Who the hell's going to come to poncho night? Poncho night! Woo! (Cheering)
When you worked here, they recycled the beer.
You knew about that? Oh, gross.
I was joking.
I know.
Gotcha.
So, peanuts.
Well, in my few months in the bar biz, I've learned people will eat just about anything you leave out for them.
I figured peanuts were cheaper than a lawsuit.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, turn it up.
It's police chief.
For those who don't know me, I am Police Chief Paddy O'Malley.
That guy's name is Paddy O'Malley? I know.
Paddy, that's a girl's name.
This is one of two personal motorized vehicles we've purchased for the Wessex police force.
Each of these speedoos, as they're called, has a high level of functionality.
I like to call it-- Oh, please don't say "Fun-tionality.
" Fun-tionality.
We'll be purchasing 50 speedoos by the end of the month.
It's a small price to pay for your safety.
What a waste of money.
Who's the brains behind that? And here's the mayor's chief of staff, Alan Duffy.
The mayor is 100% behind this initiative.
I guess I'm the brains behind that.
Those are toothpicks.
I know.
Whee! Any luck? The problem's bigger than I thought.
Good thing you brought in the pro.
Is it that bad? Yeah, it's really bad.
What's the problem? Spinny circle thing.
That's not good, is it? The worst.
We call it the beach ball of death.
Yeah, I'm going to have to shut your computer down, do a reboot.
You wanted to see me? Yeah, I already did, on TV, riding a speedoo.
Now I want to know why I saw you on TV riding a speedoo.
Explain yourself.
Well, if I'd had more time to practice-- The stage was really small so there wasn't a lot of room.
Why are we wasting money on this? The police wanted them.
It's no bigs.
"No bigs"? It's a huge-s.
Look, I need to be kept in the loop with this kind of thing.
I sent an email.
Well, I didn't get it, did I? The I.
T.
in this building sucks.
Yeah, I'm right here.
Look, the speedoo thing's not a big deal.
We got rid of the mounted police unit to help pay for it.
That horse is sure drinking a lot.
Yeah, he hasn't been the same since he lost his badge.
There's no way I'm footing the bill for something called a speedoo.
Call a meeting with the chief.
You're going to say no to the chief? Good luck, kid.
He's a hard-ass.
Bald man's right.
Paddy's tough.
The guys at the force love him like a father, a big, loveable, abusive father.
How do you know so much about the cops? Since I got the I.
T.
contract down at the station.
We're buddies now.
See? Oh.
Yeah, I got to call those guys again.
For some reason, they just treat me like one of their own.
Yeah, can't imagine why.
It's his moustache.
It's so nice to take our daughter out to lunch.
Yeah, and hear about her latest disaster.
Don't be so negative, Ed.
I'm sure she's doing great.
I got to say life is feeling pretty good these days.
It just feels nice to finally be happy.
Oh, come on.
You're laying it on a little thick.
You're happy? Did you break up with Dan? No! Damn.
Things are great with us.
How are you doing for money? I couldn't help but notice you ordered the least expensive items on the menu.
I like beans and gravy.
Uh-huh.
Look, work is fantastic.
It couldn't be better.
What are you working on? What aren't I working on? So, you're not working? I'm working a ton.
Just relax, okay? Danny boy, great to finally meet you mana-a-mano.
Good to meet you too, Chief.
So, what can I do for you? Get you out of a DUI? Got an ex-lover you need me to run a file on? Someone you need disappeared? No.
I wanted to talk to you about the speedoos.
See, we don't have the money in the budget for speedoos.
No money for speedoos? Nope.
I see.
Yeah.
I mean, there's just too many other departments that need the cash.
Wessex library needs more money? Shh.
It's a secret? No.
It's a library.
Shh.
(Neighing) He used to be a cop.
So, no speedoos.
I mean, you can keep the other two you already got.
But we're not ordering any more.
Whatever you say, Danny boy.
You're the boss.
You don't want speedoos, we don't get speedoos, simple as that.
Simple as that? Simple as that.
Limp, clammy handshake, I like that.
Thanks.
See those guys over there? They're cops, boys in blue.
Oh.
Cool.
Yeah, I'm just hanging with the cops.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking about asking them to do a ride along but I didn't want to ask right away, you know? So, I thought I'd build up to it.
Mm.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
Gotcha.
But do me a favour.
Have some champagne ready just in case they say yes, okay? Not to belabour the point, sweetheart.
But you will.
Since we all know you need money to make money, your father and I would like to offer you a little something from our personal bank account.
Only two points over prime.
Ed! Five points over prime.
I'm not taking money from you.
Think of it as us investing in your firm.
Because let's face it, sweetheart, no one else is lining up to.
We want to help you.
We're family.
Besides, people are talking.
Did you hear? Claire's been having money problems.
(Neighing) I appreciate your generosity but it's just not going to happen.
Why not? Because I just landed a big P.
R.
gig doing promotions for Fern's.
Isn't that right, Jeff? Uhh, sure.
Really? Yes, really.
Yeah, yeah, we just hired Claire.
You know, because it's important that a bar has a good public relations person doing, uhh, promotion-ing.
Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself.
I wish you had.
Well, I hope it works out for you, Jeff.
God knows she never finishes anything.
That's not true.
Y'all done with that? Yeah, I can't finish it.
Guys, guys, they said yes.
They said yes! I got to admit, I'm really proud about the way I handled the chief.
Yeah.
And you didn't think I had it in me.
God no.
No one did.
You showed him though.
"For you, Mr.
Mayor.
" Wow, that's creepy.
That doesn't make any sense.
This is my spot.
Did that cop just wink at me? I think it's called "Stink eye.
" Hey, easy on the fancy peanuts.
They're for our paying customers.
I ordered a soda water.
An hour ago.
Something for you? No, I've got an afternoon-er.
An afternoon-er? You know, now that I'm part of the police ride along program.
They gave you a badge, eh? Yeah, I had a pretty big jaywalking bust yesterday.
What part of "Crossing at the lights" don't you understand? Wow, sounds intense.
Don't even go there.
Listen, thanks again for covering with my parents.
No problem.
And don't worry, this whole fake P.
R.
gig won't affect you in any way.
Okay.
Like, in no way.
Sounds good.
Nada.
Got it.
Zippo.
Okay, it's starting to affect me.
Sorry.
I'll shut up.
(Phone ringing) Fern's.
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
Yeah.
One sec.
Remember that thing that wasn't going to affect me in any way? Yeah? It's your dad.
He wants to know what kind of P.
R.
you're doing for the bar? They're always checking up on me, like I'm lying to them.
You are lying to them.
Yeah, one second, Mr.
Kendall.
What do you want me to say? Tell him I'm doing a Twitter campaign for you.
But you're not.
I am.
I'll do it.
It'll be great.
Think of it as a freebie.
Yeah, Claire's doing a freebie Twitter campaign for us.
Don't tell them it's a freebie.
Okay, bye.
Your dad says you'll never make any money doing freebies.
That your car outside? Yeah.
This is for you.
What? What did I-- Ask the mayor.
This your bowl of peanuts? Yes.
Then this is for you.
"Candied nuts under possible allergy violation.
" What part of "Allergy violation" don't you understand? What? No.
Dan, I just got-- Sorry, just a sec.
That's crazy.
I'll call you right back.
My grandfather just got a ticket for loitering outside his old age home.
Yeah, well, I just got a ticket for parking too close to the curb, which I'm not even sure is a crime.
Join the club.
These all came in today.
Our entire staff got ticketed.
Some of these people don't have cars.
What's going on, Dan? I don't know.
Hey, Claire.
Come here.
Check this out.
It's not a freebie.
WOMAN: Sir, the mayor's here to see you.
Thanks, Push.
Send him in.
Danny boy.
Scotch? Candied peanut? No, thanks.
Listen, I'm not usually a get-right-to-the-point kind of guy.
Why start now? Because it's important.
Important? Sounds important.
Have a seat.
Listen, I'm going to get right to it.
What's with the intimidation tactics? I thought we were cool.
I don't know what you're talking about, Danny.
You're giving all my friends parking tickets.
And you got a cop outside my house.
I would never send a speedoo to your house in the middle of the night, Dan.
That's just creepy.
How'd you know he was on a speedoo? I never mentioned speedoo.
Ha! You just did.
Yeah, exactly.
I just did.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Dan.
Excuse me? Hey, look! Over there! You like how I made my chair spin, baby? Wow, what's going on? It's packed in here.
Oh yeah, Claire's Twitter campaign got all the college kids out.
Impressive.
And it was a freebie.
A freebie? Oh.
Only fools do freebies.
Well, I got to go help out the police.
For free? No, volunteer.
You think you can get Claire to do another freebie? I don't know.
Should I? So, Claire, your parents called again.
What? Yeah, right while I was busy at the bar doing important bar things.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, they called at the worst possible time.
You know how you said it wasn't going to affect me? Well, it really affected me.
Jeff, I'm so sorry.
This is crazy.
They can't keep checking up on me like this.
Like I said, Claire, it's really affecting me.
I'll get them to stop calling.
In the meantime, let me do another free campaign.
Only if it's not too much trouble.
How about a pool tournament? It'll get the people into the bar for the night and they'll spend their money drinking.
Thanks, Claire.
You're the best.
So, what exactly did my parents say? My secretary will show you out.
Hey, Danny boy.
Hey, Mike.
What's with the track suit? I've been training with the force.
Wow.
You've been spending a lot of time with the cops.
Yeah, they're like my adopted family now.
Well, there's definitely a family resemblance.
Yeah, we're all pretty buff.
Well, your buddy the police chief's been giving me a hard time.
Paddy? No, he wouldn't do that.
No, ever since I said no to the speedoos, he's been giving everybody tickets, trying to put the screws to me.
You're paranoid.
That's classic narcissistic behaviour, thinking that everyone-- What the frig? Frig? What is this? Oh, sorry, man.
Looks like he got you too.
That's what the frig.
Paddy's going down.
I thought you loved the guy? Oh, I'll cross the thin blue line.
No one messes with Ride Along Mike.
Why do we need the van? Because no one ever suspects an unmarked van.
Where'd you get all this stuff? Check, check, can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you.
Put on the headphones.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can still hear you.
All right, here's the plan: I go into Fern's, play some pool with the other off-duty officers, then casually get them to admit to using intimidation tactics against you and your friends.
The more you explain your plan, the less confident I am.
I've been waiting to do this my whole life.
Hey, Mike.
Wazzap? Alright, you got me.
I'm wearing a wire.
So, gentlemen, illegally recording officers, huh? Actually, we didn't get much recorded.
Just a "What's up?" Still a crime.
You ain't got nothing on me but I got plenty on you.
Don't take it out on Mike.
It was all my idea.
Sorry, Mike.
I need you to turn in your badge.
But-- There is no room in this department for dirty ride along guys.
You will never be one of us.
Now scram.
It's not you I want.
It's him.
Make like a garden and grow out of here.
I don't know how to do that.
I said grow out of here.
Oh, actually, before you go, could you take a look at my computer? It's got that spinning strange beach ball thing.
Look, you guys, there's something we have to discuss.
You know we never talk about family when we play croquet.
You can join us if you like.
No.
We've got to talk.
You've got to stop treating me like a child.
You can be blue.
Thanks, Daddy.
Listen, I'm upset that you're constantly monitoring me.
Monitor you? When was the last time we even thought about you? Really, Ed, when was that? Back when she drank the gravy.
I know what you've been doing.
Jeff told me.
You keep calling the bar and checking up on me.
We only called the once.
You mean you haven't been calling Fern's and checking up on me? Our lives don't revolve around you, sweetheart.
Never did.
Thanks for the game.
I've got to be somewhere.
Sure you do.
It's true, never finishes anything.
You messed with the wrong guy.
Nobody messes with Paddy McFlynn O'Sullivan O'Malley.
Really? That's your name? Yeah, why? Just two middle names seems strange.
Well, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling What you're saying is? What I'm saying is we're about to buy 48 new speedoos.
That's what I'm saying is.
I love those things.
Wouldn't want the good people of Wessex knowing there's a rat on the city payroll.
You mean you? I'm going to ignore that comment until I have an appropriate comeback.
Nice one.
I'll make the speedoo announcement.
Since you care so much, why don't you come along, Danny boy? Maybe say a few words? After all, you'll be signing the big cheque I'll be cashing.
You don't actually usually sign the cheque till the order comes in.
Shut it, ride along.
So? How'd the pool tournament go? Pretty good.
Yeah, almost made up for all these phone calls we've been getting.
Really? My folks are still calling here? Yeah, they just called.
Oh, really? Just now? They want to know what your next P.
R.
stunt's going to be.
Interrupted an important meeting we were having about the Beer.
Beer.
Oh.
I am so sorry times a million, guys.
I promise to make it up to you.
You can have my best idea yet.
It's got to be for free though, Claire.
We can't afford to keep losing money on these nights.
Nice.
Okay, here's my idea.
Are you ready for it? Poncho night.
Poncho night? Poncho night? Totally.
It's super popular in New York.
New York, eh? Look, you will have to spend a couple grand on ponchos, but you will make back three times what you put in.
On poncho night? What can I tell you? People like to drink in ponchos.
That's true.
I spend all of 1976 drunk in a poncho.
I miss being 12.
Trust me on this one, guys.
I haven't failed you yet.
Not yet.
After a brief trial period, it looks like our two sample speedoos were a huge success.
I told you.
It's useless going up against this guy.
He always wins.
And now our fine mayor, Mr.
Dan Phillips, has an announcement to make.
Danny? (Clapping) Thank you.
As Mayor, I am committed to giving the police the tools necessary to fight crime.
And now, also these speedoos.
These speedoos will help keep the streets of Wessex safe from low speed crime.
I'm sure they will be as useful as they are necessary.
So, I am proud to make this a priority of my administration.
(Crashing) Oh my God.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! WOMAN ON TV: Citing safety concerns in the wake of last week's horrific speedoo accident, the police have cancelled their order of the motorized devices.
I was never keen on them.
This was more the mayor's initiative.
That was a brave thing you did.
What was? Falling down on purpose, taking one for the team.
Oh, yeah.
I deliberately broke my leg, in three places.
Doctor says I'll never be able to-- But the real question is, what are we going to do with the two speedoos we already got? (Crashing) Ow! We should have known.
The one time we take an interest.
Poncho night was Claire's idea, yeah? Yeah, she said it was her best yet.
Well, she really is a dud.
Yeah, but these nuts, these candied nuts are good.
Were these Claire's idea? Nope.
Didn't think so.
Two customers? The night's gone better than I thought.
Yeah, looks like you got us.
Who the hell's going to come to poncho night? Poncho night! Woo! (Cheering)