DAVE (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Too thick. It can't be too thick.
Can't be too thin.
It's got to be that sweet spot.
[SOFT PERCUSSION PLAYS]
We can use this as a placeholder.
Let's talk about the kick drums
'cause they're feeling
a little bit, like,
not distinguished.
Nope. Sorry. It's break time.
Just drop it right on the burner.
- On the burner?
- Yeah, right on the burner.
Oh, it's incredible. The char.
You're gonna love it.
- Wow.
- Yeah. It's pretty nice, huh?
I bet you don't have sleepovers
with adult men very often, do you?
Uh, you know, I live with a man,
a grown man,
- so I kind of have them
- Oh, yeah,
I forgot you
live with your quack manager.
- He's a sweet man.
- Yeah. No, no, he's a sweet guy.
Why don't you ever bring him around?
I don't know. It's just,
I feel like it's hard to be friends
with your manager sometimes.
You're an all-work, no-play type of guy.
Hey, what kind of meat is that?
Is that ground chuck?
Mm, I don't know, Chuck.
There's a guy who brings it
to me from Japan.
Did you just call me Chuck?
Yeah, maybe I did, Chuck.
Oh. Chuck.
- [PLAYING UPBEAT SONG]
- Yeah, but go lower with it.
Yes. Yeah.
I can catch, like, moments,
but, like, I just can't maintain.
BENNY: Okay,
have you ever heard of a PRL?
- DAVE: No.
- So, there's
like a writer's share
and a publisher's share.
- Do you even know what that is?
- No.
Chuck, where did you learn how
to do all that?
I was in breakdancing class when
I was in, like, seventh grade.
And when I used to fly, I used
to have to have a whole ritual.
Like, Baruch atah Adonai,
Eloheinu melech
And at the end, I had to go
Amen out loud, and then go
- [SMOOCHES]
- [DAVE LAUGHS]
Mmm. Chuck.
Yup, and there was onions in that.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm. You like onions.
I like onions?
Every time I had to, like,
say goodbye to my parents,
I had to kiss them right
in the middle of their cheek.
"I love you, Mom.
Drive safe. See you soon."
And then I had to envision
their face within a heart.
Chuck what's Congress?
- Ah!
- Ah!
DAVE: I don't know.
What about the Senate?
- Is that part of Congress?
- The Senate is part No.
- Ah!
- Oh.
I won. [GIGGLES]
There's literally gonna be,
like, a hundred sounds in it.
I don't know what you're
I know, but if it's too
abrasive, it's not gonna
Do you think Drake and Future do this?
- [BOTH GRUNTING]
- DAVE: All right, Chuck.
I'll show you my dick.
[BENNY LAUGHS]
[DAVE GIGGLES]
BENNY: Chuck,
where's the hole where you pee out of?
- It's, like, green.
- [LAUGHS]
Chuck, this thing needs to be
at every U.N. conference.
This is incredible.
This is nothing to be ashamed of.
Hitler had the same dick disorder.
It actually drove him to the Holocaust.
Chuck, this thing drove you to comedy.
- [DAVE GIGGLES]
- [SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Nope, don't want to do it.
Not attracted.
Nope. Disgusted. You're disgusting.
DAVE: Doesn't feel, like, sexual.
It just feels good.
BENNY: And you got to look
hot while you're doing it, too.
- How do girls have sex like this?
- I don't know.
♪
- Chuck, maybe I can
- [BOTH SPITTING]
DAVE: Chuck, you think
we're gonna talk about nothing
- for 16 more hours?
- Yeah!
BENNY: He would always
say, "Leave room for Jesus."
[LAUGHS]
Looks like two Christmas hams.
[LAUGHTER]
Chuck. All right, Chuck. I'm doing it.
Put 'em on my head.
Oh. [SPITS]
- [LAUGHS]
- Chuck, that's disgusting.
[BIRDS SINGING]
[SIGHS]
Hey, David?
Dave?
Dave?
[PHONE CAMERA CLICKS]
[PHONE CAMERA CLICKS]
- [DAVE LAUGHS]
- Chuck, come on. The gas is coming.
Yeah, I'm getting the gum right, Chuck.
Chuck, is this really gonna
blow a bubble?
Yeah. I've been reading
about it on YouTube.
All right, hold on, Chuck.
I'm putting it in, Chuck.
I'm not looking at this.
I can't even look
- down the barrel of this thing.
- Chuck, just do it.
[GRUNTS AIRILY] Chuck.
- Oh, Chuck.
- Oh, Chuck. Chuck, I can taste it.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- So it's on you to fart.
Okay, I'm gonna do it right now.
Oh, Chuck, Gata's calling me.
- Hey, hold on. Gata's
- Chuck, Chuck, I'm trying
- to make the bubble.
- I know. Gata's been calling me
all day. One sec. One sec. Yo.
- What's up, Daddy?
- GATA: What's up, fool?
Look, I'm about to get the LD
blasted on my face, nigga.
Whoa!
Gata, what the fuck are you?
Do not do that.
Bruh, what you talking about?
I told you I was gonna do it.
Yeah, I thought you were kidding.
Like, who would ever do that
in real life?
Gata, if I didn't pick up
the phone right now,
would you have just gotten
that tattoo on your face?
I'm not even married to that logo.
Bro, you my nigga. When people see me,
they got to see you, too, fool.
- It ain't no big deal.
- I appreciate that, Gata,
but, like, this is, like,
the rest of your life
we're talking about. It's permanent.
You can't have a fucking thing
on your face forever.
[SCOFFS] Man, bro.
All right, man. You're right, bro.
I'm-I'm-a slow down, man.
But I'm-a still get something else,
like Master Splinter or something,
'cause you know
I love the Ninja Turtles.
- They're my niggas, bro.
- Do that.
That's I support that.
Hey, what y'all on today, though?
Uh I'm hanging out with Benny.
Yo, man. What's up?
Man, that shit look lavish over there.
I'm with that nigga Tone.
Hey, yo. What up? What up? What up?
- What up?
- GATA: Man, LD,
when you gonna invite us
over there to hang out, man?
I'm trying to be around
that Benny Blanco money, man.
- Well, you know
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Whenever you want, man.
- Uh
- Door's always open. Come on.
- All right.
That's what's up. For sure,
we gonna slide over there, man.
DAVE: Uh, all right, we got to go.
We're working on music. I love you.
Gata, please
think things through. Be smart.
All right, my bro. I'm-a holla at you.
Okay. I love you. Bye.
Damn. You let him get at you like that.
You was about to tattoo
his name on your face
- like you his property.
- Got at me like what, Tone?
That nigga about to put me on, dawg.
I ain't about to be sitting on my ass
for the rest of my life, bro.
You don't even understand, man.
We got a different type
of relationship, bro. He always
look out for a nigga every day.
You've known him for,
like, what, a year?
You ain't got to lie to me
about riding his dick.
I know a meal ticket when I see one.
You just got to meet him, bro.
You don't even understand.
I'm about to text him.
- We going over there.
- That wasn't a real invitation.
Bro, I make music with him
and Benny all the time.
Like, we do major shit, bro.
We about to go over there, man.
Okay. I'd love to meet him.
[scoffs]
[phone chimes]
"Pulling up in 20"?
That wasn't even a real invite.
Chuck, it's fine. Who cares?
I care. We were hanging out.
Chuck, who? Chuck, the gum!
Oh, Chuck, it's still in your butt?
Chuck, it's in my "ain-oos."
Chuck, why didn't you take it out?
Chuck, what the fuck
have you been doing?
- Chuck, what do you mean?
- Chuck, it's incredibly tangled.
- Are you aware?
- Chuck, it's not that bad.
Chuck, it's insane.
It's so caught in the
Chuck, stop. Chuck. Chuck. Ow!
Yeah, Chuck, Chuck, I think you
should go over there, Chuck.
- Chuck.
- I need to This is
- Chuck, get it out.
- Chuck, I'm gonna try to get it out,
but I don't fully understand
what's going on.
- Chuck, shut up. Just get it out.
- All right, Chuck.
- Ow!
- Yeah, Chuck. I
Chuck, this isn't a fucking joke.
Okay, I agree. It's very tangled.
- What do we?
- I'm gonna try to rip it out right now.
- Here we go. [ripping]
- Ow!
- Stop, stop, stop!
- Uh, just let me do it.
- Oh, my God.
- Chuck, ow!
Yeah.
What?
Dad is gonna move in with you?
Are you nuts?
Oh, yeah. No, you would say that.
You would say that, yeah,
because you didn't have
to take care of him.
I had to be a big brother to you
and a dad to him.
Roommates are kicking him out?
No one's dad should ever have roommates.
[stammers] I don't have to do
what? Make great points?
Yeah, I do.
You don't know how annoying Dad can be.
It's a bad idea.
No, it is.
From someone who knows.
What? What the fuck?
It says, "Dear neighbor.
"I noticed packing peanuts
blowing out of your trash.
If you choose to trash them,
at least close the lid."
What? No. Yeah, I'm reading a note
from a neighbor about the
"Bad for the environment."
"Act responsibly." [mutters]
"Packing peanuts should be recycled."
Signed "The Observer." What the
I got to go.
Uh, yeah, thank you for calling,
and I'll talk to you later.
The Observer. What the fuck is?
Fuck!
[quietly] Fuck.
Fuck me.
Oh.
[Benny laughs]
Chuck, it tickles.
All right, just relax.
- [laughs]
- All right.
I mean, this looks exactly
how it did before.
- It's just now there's peanut butter.
- Yeah.
Okay, that's why I told you
to put olive oil first.
I didn't want to get
the grease on my skin.
Grease on your skin? I got gum
- and peanut butter shoved up my ass.
- "Parking now"?
All right, can we get do this faster?
Can I, like, just cut out
the fucking hair with, like?
Chuck, you're not cutting
my ass hair out.
- Why? What do you need it for?
- I Chuck, I don't know.
No one needs asshole hair.
That's why women
go to their, uh
- Where do you keep the scissors?
- Chuck, it's in the top drawer.
Over there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Chuck.
Chuck. Yeah, give me a
Okay. All right.
How's this for an angle?
- Chuck, this is so avant-garde.
- One. Two.
- [groans]
- Oh.
- Chuck.
- Chuck.
Hey, Chuck,
what do you think about this?
This is the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen in my life.
Chuck, what are you talking
about? That's incredible.
- [knocking] - Chuck.
- All right.
That's more beautiful than your cock.
Chuck, what are you doing?
Don't throw that away.
What are you talking about,
Chuck? Clean yourself up.
- Coming!
- Big deal, Chuck.
Yo!
House so big it took three days
to answer the door, huh?
- What up, what up?
- Hey, them overalls crazy.
- Yeah, they're Benny's. I slept
- Hey, this my nigga Tone.
- What's up, Tone?
- What's up, man? Heard a lot about you.
Yeah, okay. Good to meet you, too. Wow.
GATA: Man, look at the décor.
This spot is sick.
Yo! What up, guys? Oh, baby.
Come over here. Both you guys,
come give me a hug.
You crazy, fool.
What's good, though, bro?
- Bro. Oh, okay.
- Y'all been eating peanut butter?
BENNY: No, but if you're hungry,
we can order something.
Let's get it.
[groans]
There it is.
♪
[mutters]: Dick.
DAVE: Okay. Buffalo wings
and a grilled chicken sandwich.
- Got it.
- [sighs] That's crazy.
Benny really doing his thing
out here, man.
But let me get the sauce from the wings
on the actual sandwich.
On the Okay.
You know, I'm not seeing
a way I can do that
- in the Postmates interface.
- GATA: Damn.
This shit crazy, bro.
Look at all this soda, bro.
It's like diabetes central right here.
Oh, Gata, don't post any of that.
He can't be seen with all that plastic.
He's on, like,
an environmental charity board.
What you mean?
It's more plastic to recycle, bro.
- Come on, man.
- Yeah, it's fine, Chuck.
- More plastic
- GATA: Who the fuck is Chuck?
What do you mean? That's Chuck.
Hey, Chuck. How you doing?
GATA: Y'all got secret nicknames?
What the fuck?
What y'all fools been doing today,
though?
Oh, you know, Chuck wanted to
wake up early and go swimming,
so we went outside.
And we got this new little game we play.
It's called shape-shifting,
and it's like,
kind of like he sits naked
and he, like, goes like this.
And then I get to, like,
ripple the waves underwater
and it flows against your penis
and makes you hard.
It's amazing.
That's not, uh
Gata, what do you want to eat?
Uh, let me get a burger. No tomatoes.
Hey, you know, this fool Benny
got all, like,
the Top 40 smashes, nigga.
Yeah, I can see that shit.
Heard y'all and Gata
been making them hits.
I can't wait to hear them joints.
Hey, bro, relax, man. I'm trying to
You know, we smoking right now.
- What are you Stop.
- Come on, man.
You just running up on this
nigga's nice-ass table, bro?
What you wanted me to do?
D-Do you guys want to
smoke the weed outside?
There's a pool. It's pretty nice.
Oh, yeah, I'm trying to see
the rest of the crib, bro.
Let's do it. Ah.
Chuck, what the hell's wrong with you?
- Why are you acting so weird?
- I'm not acting weird.
You got to understand, the way
that we act is very weird,
and they're not used to it, so, like
Why can't you just act like yourself?
I am. I'm just saying, like,
Gata's old-school.
Old-school? What are you talking about?
Like, he's not gonna get it.
Like, I don't want to make him
feel uncomfortable.
Man, what I need to go to the
high school reunion for, bro?
I see them online every day on IG
not doing shit, bro.
They don't even probably be
taking care of their kids, bro.
[chuckles] Wait till you got kids.
Trust me. Like, you got
to know your audience.
Like, you need to cool it
on the Chuck and the
- all the okay?
- All right, fine, fine.
Okay. How's your butt?
It doesn't feel good.
TONE: When's the last
time you went fishing?
GATA: Shit,
I think it was with your ass.
Hey, guys, you know
right before you got here,
me and Dave were hanging out,
and he took a wad of gum
and shoved it up my asshole,
and I tried to blow bubbles out
with a fart.
Relax, man. I ain't trying
to hear that shit.
Uh, you guys think Giannis
is staying in Milwaukee
for his whole career?
- Oh, he
- Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You actually care
that we talk like this?
I told you, Gata does not like
the gay stuff,
so just fucking stop.
Y'all are gay?
- N-No, no.
- No.
Y'all could be homosexual
all y'all want,
but I ain't trying to hear about
no gum in the ass. Real shit.
You guys have never seen
each other's assholes before?
- Oh, no, man. Come on.
- No. What the fuck?
Gata, you've never just,
like, imagined, like,
what Tone's cock could look like?
Y'all are crazy.
Just so you guys are aware,
he's not meaning
sexually in any way.
He means, like, in terms
of it being, like, fun.
- Yeah, yeah, it's
- It's, like, funny.
No, no, it's like just it's funny.
It's like, it's not even
Like, we're not gay, we're just, like
Rich, white, and ain't got
shit else to do.
- Rich? White?
- I'm not even that rich.
Okay, cut the shit, Gata, right now.
In your house, you walk in.
You're whole family's tied up.
They got your mom going, "Ooh! Ooh!"
And they say they're gonna
spray 'em all down
unless you suck his dick.
The guy with the gun. You doing it?
- Hell no.
- Everybody going to heaven, bro.
Stop trying to be a tough guy.
Okay, Gata, do you love Tone?
- Of course. That's my nigga.
- You don't show your friends love?
I show Dave love.
I give him a nice little
Not right now. Stop.
Get off. Stop. Get off.
Bro, I do show my friends love.
I just gave this nigga Tone
a skateboard to give to his son
to go back to school with.
A bunch of free clothes and shit.
But all this fugazi shit, man,
I ain't trying to see this shit, bro.
- You see what they be on?
- Looks like I'm the winner.
- [Dave laughs]
- You like the masculinity?
I'm fucking you now.
- Oh, shit.
- [Dave grunts]
- Chuck, that was so homoerotic.
- I hated it.
You know why y'all like playing
this little
gay chicken game, right?
Chicken?
'Cause y'all ain't never had
to deal with the consequences
of the way y'all are.
So y'all just run around
this big-ass house
looking for ways to
flirt with some shit.
No, no, no. We're just
It's like It's like bromance.
- Like a bromance movie.
- DAVE: Yes.
You ever seen a Black bromance movie?
BENNY: Uh
[quietly]: Black bromance
- Black bromance
- Exactly.
- Rush Hour?
- Yeah, Rush hour?
- He was Asian.
- That's a Black dude
and an Asian guy, bro.
- Yeah, but Chris Tucker.
- Asian and a Black guy.
Yeah, but the movie was
more Black-themed, I think,
even though it was set in Asia?
Moonlight? What about Moonlight?
Best Picture-winning Moonlight.
That wasn't a bromance movie.
That was just a romance.
- Yeah.
- That's true.
Why aren't there any
Black bromance movies?
I'm not about to unpack 400
years of Mandingoshit for y'all, too.
400 years? Mandingo?
That guy, the porn star, is, like, 40.
Bro, regardless, Black people,
we gonna get judged, bro,
if we're not winning championships
or rapping about being the shit, period.
That's just how it is.
- That white privilege kicking in, huh?
- Well
Or maybe you guys are a little
scared of something like this.
And the only way to prove it
is if you look
- at my asshole right now.
- Your asshole?!
- Yep, my asshole.
- Oh, hell
I'm an EMT, so if seeing a butthole
is the worst part of my day,
it's a good day.
Y'all got to start setting
more boundaries
- Oh, you're an EMT.
- I'm sorry, dude, I, I'm sorry.
You're a tough guy, huh?
- Gata, I'm sorry.
- BENNY: A real tough guy.
You want me to give you
the whole shebang right now?
- I don't give a fuck.
- Oh, you don't give a fuck?
I don't give two shits.
All right, Chuck, he says he
doesn't give a fuck.
- Should I just shimmy on down
- Stop.
And bring him to the candy shop,
but give him a little
Hershey squirt, too?
- Wait, wait. That's strange.
- DAVE: What?
- What do you mean?
- Yeah.
No, the-there, come, look.
Yeah, it's a little strange, huh?
There's gum and peanut butter
in there from earlier.
I knew I smelled peanut butter
earlier, but check it out.
- See, there's something
- Oh, my God, what is that?
It's like a It's like a-a mass.
Chuck, what is it?
There's, like, a lump of flesh.
TONE: And you know that
this skin can be cancer-prone.
- What is that?
- How would I know that? I had no idea.
My boy know his shit over there.
- What do you mean, Chuck?
- DAVE: I don't know what that is.
There's something that
I didn't notice before.
GATA: We got an emergency call.
My boy, he on his job, look.
Could it be, like, genital
herpes, 'cause
- It could. It-it could spread.
- Is the anus a genital?
- It's his asshole.
- I know. But is it?
- [panting]
- Like, one in five people have
This is good weed. Chuck, are you okay?
[breathlessly]: Chuck
- Chuck, what's going on?
- Chuck, Chuck, I don't feel good.
What do you mean?
Chuck, Chuck, I think I'm having
a panic attack or something.
Okay. Uh, just breathe.
Do your little Baruch atah Adonai
Chuck, it's not like that.
I feel like I'm gonna fucking die.
DAVE: Okay. Total anxiety.
Chuck, none of this is real.
You're just
Tone, if he's having
a panic attack, what do we do?
Man, he should probably start
by stop smoking this gas.
- [laughter]
- Shut the fuck up!
Hey, no, I'm serious, man.
My fucking uncle died
of fucking colon cancer.
Chuck, I have the best dermatologist
in the entire city, Dr. Belbin.
I'm gonna get us in.
He's the derm of the stars.
I'm gonna get us in today.
I'm about to take a flick
right now for the Gram.
Gata, what are you doing?
- Benny's asshole is bleeding!
- Stop.
- I feel like I'm gonna die.
- You're not dying, Chuck.
- You gonna be good, bro.
- You get it?
[computer chiming]
What the fuck?
Hey!
[mutters]
Hey!
Fuck him.
I just put the cans out.
Feel free to toss that in there.
No, I would never put shit
in another man's trash.
Some asshole just did that to me.
That's why I'm out here
looking for him right now
to tell him he's an asshole.
Oh, uh, wow. Okay.
Well, you know, he probably just
didn't want to walk around
with a bag of dog shit
in his hand, right?
I think everyone should
take care of their own shit.
It's not too much to ask.
I-I'm with you, brother, you know.
But like they say,
you can either be right
or you can be happy.
I've never heard that, ever.
If it gets under your skin,
you can just write a note.
Write a note?
Yeah. You know, if it's an issue.
Are
Are you The Observer?
No.
No? Because wouldn't a normal person
just say, "What's The Observer?
I don't know what that is,
I've never heard of it"?
You just said no.
- I mean, I-I
- You what?
You what? You are. You are! [laughs]
This is good. Ladies and gentlemen,
take a look at this
piece of shit, Internet.
This man lives in my neighborhood
and has been harassing me
by leaving notes on my residence
about packing peanuts being
in the wrong fucking bin.
Like anybody cares at all. [laughs]
I manage an artist, by the way.
A very famous, very
soon-to-be very famous artist.
Hundreds of thousands
of followers already on the Internet.
They're all gonna see this on his page.
They're gonna know where you live,
they'll know the neighborhood,
and you're probably gonna
get fired from your job, dork.
- Why are you filming me?
- Why am I filming?
Why would you put notes
on someone's trash?
Who the fuck does that, dude?
I don't know what you're talking about,
but maybe they just wanted
to let you know
in a in a friendly way
how to properly dispose
of popcorn peanuts.
Ah. [laughs]
I mean, do you care
about the environment?
Yes. Yes, I do.
So, there you go.
I don't understand
why you're filming me.
And you know what? No one cares.
Nobody cares what you think.
That's the point. That's why
I'm filming you right now.
Because no one fucking cares.
You're filming me because no one cares?
[phone beeps]
[laughs airily]
You've been observed, motherfucker.
[scoffs]
Fucking
[phone rings]
SUSAN: How's your back?
Oh, my God, it's like,
I thought the doxycycline
would do more than the Accutane,
but, like, it's just making me
nauseous half the time.
Well, don't forget to take it with food.
I know. I keep forgetting
I have to eat with it.
Um, so much to fill out.
Chuck, what kind
of health insurance do you have?
I don't I don't have any.
I brought I brought this.
Uh, we can figure it out after.
Is it is it enough?
I don't think that's how
the medical system works.
Chuck, what world do you live in, Chuck?
SUSAN: He can actually go back now.
Okay, Chuck, they're ready
to take you. Good luck, Chuck.
- I'm so scared.
- Don't be scared.
You're gonna be fine. You got it.
They're gonna
Dr. Belbin's gonna do it.
Go to her. Okay.
I'll fill out all your stuff, Chuck.
GATA: Man, I'll bet you this is
where George Clooney
got his titties done,
come out looking like Batman.
TONE: You think they got a payment plan?
Ally Wernick was here?
I can't say.
Yeah, that's how she writes her name.
- That's
- GATA: Man, this hundred kind of faded.
You think I could change this
hundred to, like, a private jet
- or something?
- I don't think they do edits over here.
It's my skin, bro, it's a dermatologist.
But it's a different type
They don't take the skin
You know, Ally would always say
dermatology wasn't even real.
And she's using my name
to get into my fucking derm?
- Huh?
- You know what?
I'm giving this girl
a phone call right now.
Enough is enough you can't
go the rest of your life
without talking to me. It's ridiculous.
That motherfucker's cold.
You know they gonna run you,
though, if you got
And voice mail.
All right, fine, you're getting a text.
GATA: She didn't answer?
DAVE: Green?
What does this mean when
it was always blue in the past?
Aw, hell no she blocked you.
- That's scandalous, dawg.
- She blocked me?!
You really dealing
with that right now, bro?
Why would she?
What the fuck happened?
It's all good, LD.
You ain't got to worry
about it, though, bro,
'cause at the end of the day,
I love you, bro.
I got you, LD.
- I know we at a dermatologist.
- I love you yeah.
But don't let it get
under your skin, bro.
Thank you. I love you, too, Gata.
For real, man. Thanks, man.
Wow.
[crickets trilling]
[Dave grunts]
Have you been on Instagram today?
Oh, fuck.
[phone buzzing]
- Hello?
- DAVE: Hey, big cat.
How's it going over there?
It's pretty good, you know? It's going.
I was just calling to
wish you a happy birthday.
I know it's late, I just, you know,
I like avoiding the morning
rush, and I know midday
is when all the other guys
come along, and I want to be
the guy that really caps it all off
- for you, so
- Yeah, man.
I appreciate it,
I appreciate it, big dog.
Did you do anything fun today?
I'm sorry that I haven't even been home.
I, uh, I was with Benny, I slept there.
We've just been working
so much on music.
We're really chipping away.
Yeah, no, no, it was good
It was a great day, man.
I went running, took a long, nice run.
Uh, I talked to my brother, that was
that was nice, man. He's such an idiot.
- [phone chimes]
- I got a bunch of work done, actually,
which, uh, you know
Should probably take a day off, but,
I mean, you know how it goes, man.
Hello?
Well, I'm happy you had a great day.
And I look forward to coming
back home and hugging you.
Thank you, man, thank you, I'm, uh
Long day, long birthday day,
so I'm, I think I'm gonna
hit the hay, man, I'm tired.
Okay, I love you, man.
[clucks tongue] Thanks, man.
[line beeping]
[phone chimes]
[knocking]
[chuckles]
[laughing]: Hi.
Did you block me?
No.
My phone has been off the whole day.
Just off.
- Oh.
- [sputters]
Is everything all right?
Yes.
And I did think about blocking you.
[singsongy]: But I didn't.
[giggling]
- Are-are you okay?
- I'm great.
I'm look.
[pills rattling]
I'm on painkillers.
DAVE: Oxycodone?
Oh, man, this is, like, really ravaging
lower middle-class America right now.
- Like, I would not
- I'm not abusing pills, Dave.
Certainly not over you.
I had a surgery.
Like an adult.
What-what did you have surgery on?
I had my mole removed on my back.
The General?!
[laughs] The General, yeah.
- He's gone?
- Yeah.
What about the Lieutenants?
The Lieutenants were unharmed.
He Dr. Belbin said
that they weren't irregular,
but then the General
got dishonorably discharged.
That's a twist-off.
I also don't think we
need to be drinking, right?
You're on oxys
and I'm on doxycycline for
If I drank, my appendix would explode.
I did I, like,
walked in there to get
To be polite, so it's yeah.
This feels
We'll just leave that there.
Uh
Uh Dr. Belbin.
- You my doctor.
- [laughing]
You, uh, used my name to get in?
Yes.
Just 'cause I know he's, like,
a dermatologist of the
stars.
[laughing]: This is so funny.
What an insane thing to say!
I know.
I only bring it up, 'cause, um,
obviously we haven't, like,
been in each other's lives at all.
And when I saw that you
went there, it kind of, like,
made me feel used.
Is-is going to your doctor a
mean thing to do?
It's not.
- I think I'm reaching.
- [groans]
As you are right now what are
you trying to achieve right now?
I have to change
my bandage on my back, and it's
hard to reach.
Do you need a hand?
Could you?
That's a yes?
Oh, okay.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
Wash your hands so that it doesn't get
sour cream and onion-y.
I'll go here, then you go on this part.
- Okay.
- [Ally laughing]
[winces]
- Okay.
- Oh.
Why, why are you being weird?
Just your breasts are exposed.
Oh [sputters] Are you serious?!
You've seen these a million times!
I know, I just don't know if I should
Just don't look at them.
- I won't look at them.
- Don't look at them.
- I'm a pro.
- You got
Here I come. What breasts?
- [laughs]
- No problem.
Okay, now you dress the wound.
Put this wound in a tux.
[Ally laughs]
Okay.
Uh, can I just pull your hair back?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Go for it.
It's blonde.
Mm-hmm.
That's cool.
I miss the General.
Does this, does this hurt?
No, nothing hurts anymore.
Hmm.
Now you dab it with
the cotton ball, make it nice.
- This okay?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm still sad at you,
you know?
I know.
I
[gulps]
[Dave groans]
[gurgling]
- [retches]
- [Ally gasps]
Oh, fuck. [grunts]
What was that?
Vomit.
It's vomit?
Just a little bit
'cause I'm on doxycycline
now for my skin.
If you don't take food
Is it in my wound, Dave?
In it?
Uh yeah.
- Hi, I'm Dave, hi, I'm Dave ♪
- I'm Lil Dicky ♪
- Who's Dave? ♪
- Hi, I'm Dave ♪
Hi, hello, I'm Dave ♪
You might know me as Lil Dicky ♪
But there's a lot more to me ♪
- Don't you wanna know who I am? ♪
- Not really ♪
Do you wanna meet
the guy behind the guy? ♪
Do you wanna know what
the industry's like? ♪
What a strange life I have ♪
Got me trippin'
like whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
- Dave, you're a rapper? ♪
- Oh, no ♪
Bowel movements
lookin' like Dippin' Dots ♪
Probably 'cause I don't eat
fruits and vegetables ♪
Approached by aggressive
white men on the regular ♪
I gotta record
with a neck pillow on my neck ♪
'Cause the ergonomics
of my desk ain't right ♪
My nose gets stuffed every night ♪
I'm fidgety ♪
I'm fidgety, I twitch ♪
I'm fidgety ♪
- I'm v neurotic ♪
- Whoa, whoa ♪
Yes, I know that I'm a rapper
at the end of the day ♪
But I think it's time you knew me ♪
By my government name, hi, I'm Dave ♪
- I'm Lil Dicky ♪
- Hi, I'm Dave ♪
- Who's Dave? ♪
- Hi, I'm Dave. ♪