Dead Like Me s02e03 Episode Script

Once upon a time, there was a traveler on horseback who finds himself facing a swamp.
And he doesn't know whether to go around or try to wade through.
The traveler asks a local boy: "Tell me, local boy.
Does the swamp have a hard bottom ?" And the boy tells him that it does.
So the traveler guides his horse into the swamp and they begin to sink deeper and deeper into the muck.
He shouts to the boy: "I thought you said it has a hard bottom !" And the boy says: "It does, Mr.
Traveler.
You're just not there yet.
" - Today ? - Today ! That's why I promoted you.
And the sinking begins.
I noticed that you haven't signed up for the annual Happy Time retreat.
Right.
The sign-up sheet is firmly taped to the microwave, Millie.
Have you not seen it ? No, I saw the sheet, it's just that A night in the woods with these freaks scares me more than being dead.
We only retreat once a year.
That's what makes it annual.
Why retreat at all ? Who's attacking us ? Always the cute joke.
that's your defense mechanism.
- What ? - Sarcasm.
That's how you keep people at a safe distance.
No, I don't.
You do.
You use humor.
For others, it's aggressive body piercings and facial tattoos.
Thanks, Skitter.
I'm not trying to distance anybody.
I mean look at your cubicle.
It's as bare as a pop star’s midriff.
I enjoy a clutter-free workspace.
Not a single photo of a friend or family Make me sad.
Hey guys ! Juice barn run.
Oh Todd ! Count me in.
I can't risk another low-blood sugar episode today.
Are you in, Millie ? Millie, Millie Would it kill you to be part of the team ? It's just I've got so much work to do, Dolores.
And it's half-day for me so Well half-days are one thing but half-ass commitment to your coworkers is quite another.
Now, if I don't go get that Raspberry Razzmatazz, I can't be held responsible for my actions.
Really.
Legally ! How could I tell Dolores that it was hard to play for her team when I had already been drafted by the other side ? And with the new membership, we offer 2 personal training sets.
Can we take them with this one ? Diego ? Of course.
I wander if he makes house calls.
Use your español.
Ladies, I'm Brazilian.
I speak Portuguese.
That doesn't make any sense.
Pardon me ! Excuse me ! Say something in Portuguese for me.
Did you go to the gym when you were alive ? I died in 1938.
For exercise, we drank Slow Gins and smoked Lucky Strikes.
Hi ! Would you like to try a Rev'N UP bar ? It's free, 15 grams of proteins, loads of fiber.
No, thanks.
What do you think of these guys ? - For what ? - Millie's family ! Well, they're very attractive and they look republican.
You think ? Yeah, isn't that what you are ? No ! I never voted but I'm not that ! - What were you ? - I was an actress.
Well, I like the way they look.
Confident.
Like winners.
What kind of rackets are they holding ? Squash.
What just happened ? He dropped the barbell.
Nice going, Zoé ! You just had to add an extra pin to your map, didn't you ? Just had to have one more country.
Oh really ? And that's not why you nailed that Mohammed guy last week ? Can we change ? It's something tailored ? I'm afraid it's casual death day.
Tell me when I do that, use humor to distance myself.
You're doing it so say something nice.
I'm sorry that you died.
At least, you have each other.
At least, you're together.
No, I don't get it.
Millie's parents.
Those people are supposed to be related to you ? Round robin tennis bullshit.
They're related to Millie.
Happy Time Millie.
They look like drinkers.
They look like Catholics.
They look like they wouldn't like me.
What are you trying to say about my family ? They know what I'm trying to say.
I don't think I care for the implication.
I just don't understand why you want that frosty tennis bitch to be your mom.
This is not her family.
Why are we talking about them as if they are ? It's not just about tennis.
That's all I'm saying.
Well, they don't exist.
And that's a squash racket.
- Do you play squash ? - No.
I think I'd be good at it.
- Really ? - No.
Would you like to enlighten me as to the point of the picture ? Everybody else has pictures on their desks.
At Happy Time.
I don't.
I just want Dolores off my case.
She says I don't fit in.
Dolores is right.
It's a little late in the game to start.
I don't wanna fit in.
I just don't wanna stand out.
Okay, I'll buy that.
Here you go.
I can't believe you guys fell for this Waffle Haus club crap.
Six more punches and I get a free waffle.
- I only got eight more to go.
- Seven ! And I hate waffles.
Your next waffle is free.
I've been ravenous lately.
It's the whole undead metabolism thing.
I don't know.
Are you sure you don't want a card ? Thank you, Kiffany but it's really not my thing.
Whatever everyone else was doing, I always went the other way.
I wasn't a joiner.
Maybe that's just the way I was brought up.
Georgia.
Georgia ! Shhh ! They'll hear you ! Sweaty Why do we pretend not to be here ? Because we don't want them coming back and singing every night.
They'll want us top join them.
Okay.
Georgia, what are you doing ? Where are you going ? Georgia, get back here ! - Clancy ! - Georgia, get back here or Or there'll be no Santa Claus for you.
You don't scare me.
Shut up ! We want a silent night.
No ! Stop it ! And never come back ! Coast is clear.
Good job, sweaty.
Thanks.
And it wasn't just caroling.
Faced with any kind of activity, my parents went the other way.
Ran the other way.
We were a group of loners.
If they were options, chances are we'd opt out.
But being undead and unmotivated at the workplace, I had a lot of time on my hands to think about the "what if" of life.
Like what if I hadn't dropped out of college ? Would I still have died ? What if I had had a different family ? A family that didn't always opt out.
And God blesseth everyone ! Think fast ! I'm sorry about that.
I caught you off-guard.
I'm Greg, the retreat facilitator.
I'm Millie, just Millie.
I'm afraid, she's not with us.
I don't really play games.
I'm not really gamy.
You know, everyone has something to contribute to the team.
Don't you wanna be alone with nature and your fellow workers ? Nop, can't.
Bed-wetter.
Oh It's too bad.
I'm kidding.
But I'm really not going.
Really.
You know, I'm sure that this one will fit.
I'm sure it's your size.
Just Not really a group hat person either.
Well, you're not a lot of things, are you ? I'm not even alive so let's lose the attitude.
Alright well, you know, you have fun holding down the fort.
But I didn't wanna hold down the fort.
The fort is for losers.
The fort's a pain in the ass.
Reggie ! Dinner ! I'm coming ! - Did you straighten you room ? - Yes ! - Did you put everything away ? - Yes ! - Is it spotless ? - Spotless ! Reggie ! Why are you unfolding that napkin ? Because I'm eating dinner ? This isn't for us.
This is for the realtor and a couple she's bringing by tomorrow.
You're making them dinner ? I'm making it look like a dinner party.
Buyers wanna see a place where they might entertain.
We never entertain.
It's just for show.
It's like a It's like a serving suggestion.
Where's our dinner ? I got us Burger Round-Up ! You and I get to do a picnic ! This is bullshit ! Putting food on the floor doesn't make it a picnic.
Please don't swear ! This is how homeless people eat ! Well, I'm gonna enjoy my Round-Up with cheese whether you join me or not.
Not.
I'm going in my room.
You're sleeping with me tonight.
I already made your bed and I want it to stay that way.
It's my room ! You snore ! I mean it, Reggie ! You'd better not be messing up that bed.
I mean it ! Working double today ? That's rough.
I don't mind, keeps me out of trouble.
- You want a piece of cherry pie, sweaty ? - Sure.
Well, you ever wait tables ? That's harder than digging a ditch, you should try.
You'd see what a real job is.
It is a noble vocation.
My dogs are barking.
I have a real job.
I have two real jobs.
So I think I'm gonna go on the Happy Time retreat tomorrow.
Pie is nice.
Did you hear me ? When I was you age, I used to treat the crust like it was just here to hold the good stuff in.
I used to leave the whole back end of it on a plate.
Because I got older, I learnt to appreciate the crust.
To stand on the outside looking in, it's not really the best way to lay low.
The more I stay out of the group, the more they notice me That's bad.
You'll learn that the crust and pie have too different recipes.
Ultimately they commingle but they are very separate entities.
I'm saying I'm gonna go.
It's the right thing to do, okay ? Okay, you've decided.
What do you need me for ? I need the day off tomorrow.
Can you cover for me ? You know, George, reaping is not like some waitresses trading their shifts.
The noble vocation.
I don't need your smart mouth.
- It's serious business.
- Serious business.
I need to know where you are.
You are like an E.
R.
doc.
Do you understand that ? You're on call.
You're on call 24/7.
- 365 ! - I don't need you smart mouth ! Sorry.
- I changed my mind.
- I think that's wise.
Not about the retreat.
About the pie.
So I'll see you when I get back.
- You want it ? - Yeah, please.
- More coffee ? - Please.
What are you doing ? It's for the aroma.
Honey, this couple is ready to pay more than we'd even ask.
So, let's put on a show here.
What kind of show ? A good one.
So let's smile and be friendly, make them feel welcome.
Why don't you just make the cookies ? Reggie, get the door ! Hey ! Let me ask you something, Millie.
Would you screw a Mustang Grill to 57 Chevy ? - Me ? No.
- Exactly ! You don't mess with the classics.
So when I say "get the fixings for Smores" you don't show up with Annie Hall chocolate bar.
Smore is like a delicate eco-system.
Graham cracker, marshmallow and the great American Hershey bar.
I'm sorry, I'm not a camper.
Hey ! I'm really happy you decided to join us, Millie.
You just need to get your head in the game, huh ? Come on.
Hey ! Back in the truck ! Go on ! Fucking mutt ! Oh the great outdoors ! Brisk ! Feel that ? That's the I.
Q.
falling ? Goddamn dog ! It'll just soon fuck a duck that hunt one ! I meant to say "go team" ! Hershey bars or bust ! Although I don't care for the cruelty to animals.
They're hunters.
Hershey bars ? Nice 12 gage ! Daddy had one of those.
Excuse me ! Full choke.
- Is it duck hunting season already ? - Yeah, whatever.
Weight loss drinks.
Most hunters are morning people.
They have Hershey bars.
That's what I like to hear, Millie.
Let's load 'em up ! Hi Linda ! - Oh great boots ! - Thank you.
Joy, these are the Cawps, Andy and Stephanie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
This is Reggie.
Hello.
Great place.
- Are you baking ? - I am.
The Cawps are very interested in this property.
As you can see, they're in need of a little more space.
Ever since she got I mean since we got you know I never know exactly how to say it.
Say "since I impregnated her".
Take full responsibility.
Unless of course it's not yours.
Just look at the period treasures that they have preserved.
All of the crown moldings, the original hardware.
Nice.
Modern amenities as well.
These are all dual pane windows.
I insisted on those for safety.
I was pregnant with my daughter when we bought the house.
And I'm guessing that's you ? Guess again.
That was her sister.
- George.
- George ? Georgia.
Pretty name.
This really is the perfect home for a growing family.
Reggie, why don't you show the Cawps your room ? - Do I get a commission ? - Reggie ! I'd love it if you'd take us to see your room, Reggie.
Okay.
Very interested.
You.
You.
Route 9 and Gentilly Boulevard.
Slippery pits.
Biker hot spot.
If you need an escort, let me know.
You're very sweat but I can handle myself.
Well, they're bikers not vampires, Daisy.
Don't let the blond looks deceive you, I'm a very powerful woman.
Good for you.
I'm gonna have to take a little time off today.
And by little, I mean I will be back tomorrow and I trust you'll be fine without me.
And by that, I mean try not to fuck up.
By fuck up, of course, I mean Mason.
Your servant ! Well I have order to restore.
Your servant ! First time cute, second time you have to buy me some beer.
Rube, why do you assume I'm gonna fuck up ? 'Cause you're a fuck up ! This, of course, is the perfect children's room.
Plenty of space for more beds if more kids are in God's plan.
I don't see how God's involved.
I'll be right back.
Yes ? The only mold in that house is between her ears.
Grimm's anthology.
I used to be a teacher, you know.
I was supposed to put that away.
That's okay.
Such a lightful room.
Where's your sister's bedroom ? My mom turned it into an exercise room.
Oh Where's your sister living now ? I don't know exactly.
Is she in college ? She's dead.
Oh I'm so sorry.
It's okay, she's not like completely gone.
- Because ? - She comes back.
- She comes back ? - A lot.
That wasn't her.
Okay, everybody If you could be an animal, any animal, what animal would you choose to be ? Dolores ! Would you like to go first ? I'd like to go last if you wouldn't mind.
Okay, I think that'd be appropriate.
Thanks, Greg.
Millie, how about you ? I think I'll go right before Dolores.
Do you think that's appropriate ? Who gives a shit ? I really do, Greg.
Can I start ? Sure, Todd.
Yeah, that'd be great.
If I were an animal, I think I would be a crab.
- Not an animal ! - Millie ! It's not, it's a crustacean.
What ? At least, I'm listening.
I'm sorry.
A crab is an animal.
It's a big furry warm-blooded beast that sleeps in cocktail sauce.
Look, Millie.
This is an exercise about revealing yourself to your coworkers.
And we all find things to hide behind at the office.
Our cubicles, our telephones, our deadlines, Our sarcasm.
You know, we all find ways not to get to know the people that we rely on the most.
Okay ? And out here in the wild, there's no place to hide.
Okay ? So I think that we should all try to get to know Todd the crab.
I bet Todd has crabs.
Todd, please.
I always feel as if I'm moving sideways.
Motherfucking real fucked ! Viciously fucked ! Bullocking bastard hell ! I'm officiously fucked.
Why not you, darling ? Unless, of course, you're interested in which case you could No ? Well, piss off ! Fuck off! Oh Jesus Christ ! Oh bullocks ! Kiffany ! Kiffany ! Kiffany ! Kiffany ! Listen.
Have you found a little post-it ? You know, yellow, the writing on.
Like the kind you people always play with ? - Yes, exactly ! - No.
Is this one particularly important ? Bullock ! You don't know.
Jesus Christ ! I'm fucked ! Move ! Shit ! Bullocks ! Fucking bullocks ! Okay, that's it.
I'm fucking fucked.
I'm bullockly viciously fucked.
Royally fucked I am.
Wow ! That is so interesting.
I just assumed all those stories about degrading initiation rituals were true.
No one has to kill anyone to get in the Bold Eagles.
We figured the right members come up at the right time.
Trish became one after someone had read a poem he wrote in the biker mag.
Open verse for the open road.
I do love a real man of letters.
So why are you guys called the Bold Eagles ? We don't wear helmets.
Fucks with our hair.
I just think a man should choose how close to death he wants to live.
Closer than you think, Tidy.
Daisy ! Daisy ! I need your help now ! You want to You want to take your hands off the lady ? I'm in trouble ! This is Mason.
He's okay but he's just not very well brought up is all.
No, I'm not.
The only thing we hate more than bad manners is a goddamned fascist helmet law.
Bare heads 'till we're dead ! 'Till we're dead ! Better dead than not ! I lost my post-it.
Have a nice ride, fellows.
Gotta go ! - Some loyal group of people.
- So dangerous.
Tidy ! Motorcycles, they're dangerous.
Well, a helmet wouldn't have helped.
Tidy made a big mess.
And I moved here from Albany when she broke off the engagement.
No.
We were never engaged ! Frank We were totally engaged.
- I gave you my mother's ring ! - So ? Okay, huh Frank ! Frank ! Frank ! Frank ! Sally Please ! Right, right.
Anyways, that's why I feel like a leopard.
Because you're stalking her ? Because I can't change my spots ! Okay, Millie.
I think it's your turn.
I No.
I'm I just I I don't really I'm not an animal.
This was starting to feel familiar.
Staying on the side lines, criticizing, clinging to the fringes instead of jumping into the fray.
It was like watching the escalator run.
When would I step on ? Okay, Dolores, well, I guess that just leaves you ! Bring us home ! - Well I always thought - I'm a cat.
I mean not like a house cat, not like Marie, Dolores.
I'm a stray.
Wanders the streets alone.
Kinda distant and mean.
Not a cat you'd wanna pet or bring home to your kids.
You just don't know where those claws are, you know.
And I'm a black cat.
And I have many, many lives.
And now you know who I am.
You think Rube would have a better lock.
Wow ! Color me impressed ! He writes the information on our post-its.
He has to copy it down from somewhere, right ? Yeah, but where ? I check the liquor cabinet, you check everywhere else.
Mason, no, this is a covert operation.
We need to thread gently and cover our tracks.
Old fossil head Rube ! Always have the best booze.
They've been drinking long enough not to mess around with the cheap shit.
How is that helping ? Takes off the edge.
I'm on edges right now, alright ? Mason, if he finds out, we've been rummaging around in here Put that down ! Put it down ! Put that down ! - Okay.
- This was your idea, Daisy.
I once had to hide for hours in one half this size from a shrew of Mrs.
Tyron Powers who was supposed to be in Palm Springs.
I was forced to urinate in a eyeball glass.
What is it with you and them married ones ? Forbidden food.
That was then.
And I don't know why you're treating this like happy hour.
Holy shit ! So So many of them ! So much more of them ! Poor me a drink, will you ? Just one and only to warm me up.
Yeah, we'll loophole.
Synapses up a bit.
Make our minds a little more nimble.
We'll keep looking for your post-it.
We'll keep looking ! Yeah ! - Why are you spying on me ? - I'm not.
- I wasn't saying anything.
- I didn't say that you were.
Why are you here then ? Why just show up all of a sudden ? Well What has been your experience as to why I show up all of a sudden ? Oh no ! You know, you do have actual responsibilities in this world.
I know you ! You're Millie's sponsor ! So devoted ! - It's Dolores, right ? - Right ! - And you're, Rube ? - I am.
Is that a first name or a last name ? Just Rube.
Like Cher.
Like Houdini.
Love Houdini ! Wouldn't it have been fun to have seen him ? Seen him ? Rube probably reaped him.
What brings you out here, Rube ? Well, Dolores, as much as I'd like to get into that with you, one of the "A" of A.
A.
stands for You don't wanna drink, do you Millie ? Actually, I was referring to the other "A".
Oh Of course ! Dolores, I think I need to go for a walk and get some fresh air.
You're on the woods, you're surrounded by fresh air.
I just wanna go for a walk.
I need to commune with the spirits of the North West.
You really are a cat, aren't you ? Alone and mysterious.
Make sure you make it back for ghost stories and Smores.
I'll try.
You don't happen to know any ghost stories, do you ? I heard a couple in my days.
And just as I was comfortable in the circle, death held me away.
You put you left arm in, you put you left arm out, you put you left arm in and you shake it all about ! You do the hockey dockey and you turn all around.
That's what it's all about ! I look like a flaffer.
You should have seen me do the Charleston.
You are lovely ! Opera, opera, jazz Boring, boring, snory ! I am drunk.
I hate being drunk ! Funny I don't mind it.
Ever.
My goodness ! You think you know a man Barry Manilow ! Play me something swinging.
I wanna dance and forget all this this stuff.
Oh yeah because you know what ? Somebody is gonna die alone today, aren't they ? What was on your post-it, Mason ? Now, can I show you the outside storage ? I'd love to see that.
Honey ? In a second.
I just wanna get a feel for the house one more time.
So, Reggie.
What were you watching ? Nothing.
What did you mean when you said your sister comes back ? She visits us.
And you talk to her ? Not like face to face.
So she checks up on you, sees if you're okay I guess.
Are you ? I don't think you should move here.
Where was her favorite spot in the house ? Her room, I think.
She didn't really tell me things.
I think we should go back to the Waffle Haus.
If you miss a reap, a wrath will be visited upon you as such will have you writhing in testicles shriveling horror.
That was Rube.
- Why do you drink so much ? - You are so lovely.
I love you.
You're so perfect and your skin is so beautiful.
True but not what I asked.
It's all the the people's imperfections that make them so beautiful.
Like the black velvet that shows off a little diamond.
Those three freckles that show off you alabaster skin.
Cut the bullshit, Mason.
What, Daisy ? Really.
What in the whole goddamned scheme of things is one more unhappy soul ? I just cannot get it any more.
I cannot get it any more.
You saw the post-it before you lost it.
No.
Yes, you did.
You always look at it when you get it.
Even for just a second.
No, I don't.
Do I ? I watch you.
You never just put it in you pocket.
You watch me ? You always look at it because you're curious.
You wanna know.
What do I wanna know ? Their name.
Where they're gonna die.
You're curious.
- You always look at it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Sometimes I do look at it.
And you looked at this one too.
And this person won't die alone.
This is a ghost story and it's a love story.
It's about a man who loved a woman.
A man who thought the flame of their love could never diminish.
But it did.
What had once been a dance had become a battle.
They fought, fought.
In the dead of the night, after angry words were spoken, he left their bed and saddled his horse.
She said to him: "If you don't come back in 3 days, then you can never come back.
Mark my words.
I'll be gone.
" Where would she go ? To live with an old boyfriend from high school ! I think you two are a little ahead of the story.
Am I gonna be interrupted again ? Any other questions, thoughts ? Then I will continue.
Still angry.
Still angry, the man rode away.
And he enjoyed the solitude.
The noise of their argument was replaced by the soothing sound of the forest.
But after just 2 days in the forest, he was filled with regret.
He wanted to return to the woman he loved.
And he wanted to return to he life he missed.
So he found a shortcut through the woods and he took it.
He was desperate, desperate to get back to the woman he loves before it was too late.
Her threat surrounding his head Would she wait for him or would she be true to her words ? Would she be gone ? He could feel his horse losing speed as if it wouldn't make it through the night.
What was that ? Double barrel, twelve gage, full choke.
Do we need to go help somebody ? That was sweet, Frank.
I'm just the storyteller.
Greg here is in charge.
Greg ? Oh oh ! No.
No I I don't think so.
I'm a little afraid of the trees at night.
We could either stop now or go on with the story, it's up to you, guys.
No more interruptions.
Okay.
How you doing, Crystal ? You're about to lose your marshmallow.
The man came to the edge of a dark and unknown swamp.
He had to make a decision.
Should he go into the swamp or go around ? Does he go through the swamp or does he go around ? We all ask ourselves that question, don't we ? It's a very scary question to answer all alone.
Excuse me, you You got something I need.
I'm sorry ? The post-it.
It's mine.
Then maybe you can tell me why it has my name on it ? I can't do that, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Next to the swamp was a boy.
My name isn't You ! oh God ! The man asks the boy: "Tell me does the swamp have an hard bottom ?" And the boy tells the man: "It does".
So the man guides his horse into the swamp.
And as he begins to sink, deeper and deeper into the swamp, he says to the boy: "I thought you said it had a hard bottom !" And the boy says: "It does You're just not there yet.
" So the man doesn't get back to his wife in time.
He might ! He might get out and reach her ! Right ? That's the end of the story, folks.
I mean he might get back to her.
Guys ! - Hey ! What did I miss ? - A wonderful story.
Millie, I've been worried about you.
- We heard a gunshot.
- Oh I'm fine.
Okay, just don't go off alone like that again.
Rube ! Thank you.
Thank you.
So was the story you told scary ? Oh I don't know.
I didn't hear it, I just told it.
Smart mouth ! It was a little scary.
You know why people like to get together to hear these kind of stories in the woods ? Why don't you tell me ? They like to face their fears together.
Somehow easier than facing them alone.
You'd like some ? Of what ? It's what I've christened the combination of Graham cracker and chocolate lightly toasted over an open flame.
We're out of marshmallows.
Some ? That's better than nothing.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You're not staying ? I got an early breakfast meeting.
You enjoy the rest of the retreat.
Maybe it was just the warmth of the fire, but for once I was happy to have a spot in the circle.
Dolores and I drove back together and she told me that she too was a cat, that she was born in the year of the cat, that she had all the qualities of a cat.
I swear to God if she told me she went in a litter box, I was living her by the side of the road.
Looks good.
More buyers coming ? No, this is for us.
I thought we deserved a little sit-down breakfast.
Sorry, I gotta go.
Wait ! Here take bacon ! Reggie You know, if you ever wanna talk to me about anything, you know, I mean anything at all, about George.
God ! Hello ? Hello ? Come on ! If anyone is there, would you just say something ? You know if that keeps happening, I'm gonna change our number.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I gotta go.
Once upon a time, there was a girl named George who couldn't quite forget there was once upon a time.