Detroiters (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

1 [LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC.]
Everybody's gonna be pumped to see the plate man.
No, they're not, baby.
Oh, here comes the plate man! Can't have a barbecue without plates! Uncle George, look at this! Paper bowls for dips, sides.
Hey, hey! Plate man! - Hi, Mom.
- Chrissy, you look - beautiful in purple.
- My baby.
And look at Tim.
Don't you look cute.
Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, he knows.
- Hi, David! George! Aww Sam's here.
Who's he with? Sam, who are you with? Who are you? Uh, I'm Shannon.
This is Shannon, Tim.
Hi, Shannon.
Who are you? [CLEARS.]
She's my girlfriend.
Girlfriend? Since when? Ah, feels like a day, it's been so much fun.
- How long? - I don't know.
It's been a blur, it's been so much fun.
- How long? - It's been a blur.
- How long? - A month! A whole friggin' month! You've had a girlfriend that you've hid from me - for a month? - I know! Well, technically, babe, it's about five weeks.
Tim, it's your own friggin' fault, okay? I you can be difficult to introduce new people to.
- Why? - Why? [LAUGHS.]
This guy says "why?" Because, Tim, you can be a little harsh.
[LAUGHS.]
Harsh? Harsh? Okay, Shannon, how are you? - Uh - You look lovely.
Is that blouse from Ann Taylor? - No.
- Well, someone should tell Ann Taylor, because they have a very similar one.
What are you even trying to go for with this? I shop for Chrissy at Ann Taylor.
I'm just saying, I think they'd be very interested in knowing that someone's selling a cheaper version.
How do you know this one's cheaper? 'Cause I shop for Chrissy at Ann Taylor, idiot! It could be nicer, dillweed.
It's not! Um, nice to meet you, Tim.
I've heard lots about you.
All good things, I'm sure.
Yeah.
- Let's go say hi to my mom.
- Okay.
- What did you bring, slop? - No.
Come on, now.
Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit city When we get back on our feet, yeah [FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC.]
Oh, my God, it's Shannon Coyne.
- That's Shannon Coyne.
- You got to be cool.
I'm being cool.
[SHUSHING.]
Wow, Shannon Coyne.
Oh, we grew up listening to your family's gospel music.
- Thank you.
- So what's it like dating a celebrity? Oh, I don't know, babe.
What's it like? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, Sam.
- She's talking about me.
- I know, I was joking.
How do you get up in front of all those people? I would be so scared.
You know, actually I have stage fright, so I get up there and I close my eyes and I Sing from my heart [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, would you like to take a selfie? You know who that is? That's Sam's girlfriend.
Hm.
I know.
He hid it from me for a month because I'm too harsh.
Well, Tim, you can be harsh.
Maybe Sam just want to build something first before you bulldozed it.
Bulldozed it? I have been nothing but lovely to all Sam's girlfriends.
I was a perfect gentleman to Dump Truck Debra.
I've been nice to all of them.
Stupid Sarah, Dumb Beth, Debbie "The Animal" Steel, the Worm.
- Tim.
- I was so nice to the Worm.
Would you listen to yourself? You're harsh as hell.
Okay, if it's because I'm too harsh, then how come he kept it a secret from the whole family.
He didn't tell your parents, Aunt Lacey, your grandma, you.
Holy shit.
You knew.
Oh, my God, you all knew.
The whole family knew, and they lied to me.
They lied to my face! - Well - You're a family of liars! Big, fake liars! Liar! - Hey, girl! - I love your hair.
Welcome, welcome, one and all to the Duvet family reunion! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
We got drinks and, of course, we've got the annual basketball game, which my team has won six years in a row.
Now listen, over 30 years ago, I took over the position as grill master from my father.
Today it gives me great honor to pass this on to my son, Samuel! Have you all met his new girlfriend? Shannon Coyne! Yes! Good looks, personality, and lineage.
Yes, I'm telling you, she is the total package.
And she's a celebrity.
Come on up here, son.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ah.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, this is an honor I've waited for my entire life.
In fact, when I was 7, I wrote a speech I bring with me every reunion.
- Should I read it? - ALL: Yes! - Should I read it? - ALL: Yes! - Should I read this here speech? - ALL: Yes! Well, if you insist.
[LAUGHS.]
"Friends, Duvets, and guests, "I am honored to be your grill master.
"It's an achievement I rank up there with my black belt in tae kwon do" Oop, never did that.
Let's see.
Oop.
Never did that.
"Quick thank you to Grandpa Charles.
" He's dead.
Sad.
Uh, didn't do that.
"Marry Mom"? - [LAUGHS.]
- I was 7, again, when I wrote this, so Still seems kind of old to want to do that.
Really should have looked over this at some point since then.
Oh, "And never getting in a car" with a stranger" 'cause stranger danger.
" Hmm? Never did that.
So and you shouldn't, so that's a good thing.
Kids, learn from it.
Ah, thank you! Uh, yep.
Thank you very much, son.
[GROANS.]
All right.
I hope your bellies are empty and you're ready for fun, because the Duvet family reunion has officially begun! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC.]
Medium rare for the gentleman.
And for the lady - Ooh! - Well done.
- All right, man.
- Ange, you want a hot dog? - [CLATTERING.]
- [WHOOSH.]
Whoo! Now that's a hot dog.
Am I right? Am I right? Here you go.
You know your dad was supposed to be pass long grill master to me.
But, see, I just quit drinking, and so I got the shakes, but I'm happier, healthier.
Oh! What you got there, man? That smell like Crown Royal.
Ladies, may I? Of course, sweetie.
Come on.
No paper bowls, huh? Just cream corn touching everything? Oh, we were just talking about how nice it is that Sam could meet himself a gospel singer.
I heard the whole family sing at Chene Park.
- Beautiful.
- So talented.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah, but there's really no way to tell.
I mean, it's not like you can boo a gospel singer.
No, she's she is so nice.
She's lovely, lovely.
But did anybody taste the potato salad she brought? I mean, I don't want to say it's bland, but I saw a fly land on it, fly away, come back with some salt.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Tim! You're bad.
Potato salad? More like "poor" -tato salad.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah.
Look, look, look on the bright side.
At least we know Sam's gonna lose some weight.
Oh! [LAUGHTER.]
Too much she can't lose any weight in that big ol' head of hers.
- Whoo! - [LAUGHTER.]
She walk by and I thought it was an eclipse! [LAUGHTER.]
Aunt Lacey! Aunt Lacey's joining! Let's just hope Sam likes doing neck rubs, 'cause that neck of hers is doing some work.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Looking like a lollipop in knockoff Ann Taylor.
Yes! Yes, it is! - It's knockoff! - I know.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Hey.
- Hi, Shannon.
Hope you're having fun.
[SOFT LAUGHTER.]
So, really, I'm happy for Sam.
She truly is a sweet girl.
Yeah, no, she's so sweet.
She's made of sugar.
Hope it doesn't rain; she turns into a [BLEEP.]
puddle! Timothy.
- That mouth.
- Mm-mm-mm.
We were having fun, but that's carrying it a little too far.
I wasn't having fun.
Enjoy your meals all mushed together.
Sam.
Congratulations on becoming grill master.
Go ahead with your insult, Chrissy.
- I don't have an insult.
- Why? Too dumb? - I'm just surprised.
- Damn it.
You're brave enough to take on this responsibility after you quit Dad's restaurant.
I was 15.
Nobody even cares about that anymore.
Daddy cares.
You quit the waffle station right in the middle of Mothers' Day brunch.
People just pouring syrup on waffle batter.
- So sad.
- Dog food over there, Chrissy.
Why don't you go eat up? Hey! Hurry it up up there! Whoo, you call this well-done? I took a bite out of it; it said, "Ouch, you hurting me!" [LAUGHING.]
She said it talked! [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Hey, you kids! Don't go wandering off in them woods.
Might mess around and get snatched up by the Fork Bandit! Y'all don't know who the Fork Bandit is? They don't know who the Fork Bandit is.
He was a kid, just like you.
He wandered off from a barbecue, couldn't find his family, and now he's a dusty crackhead with nothing but a fork! Anytime today, Sam.
It's gonna be just a slight delay.
Sam gotta speed up.
This long line's driving me to drink.
Driving me to drink.
Hey, come on, now.
Look here.
This is a brand-new grill master.
We gotta give him a chance to find his way.
Flip six, son.
- Uh, yeah.
- In a little while, he's gonna be out-grilling us all, providing he don't quit.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm not going to quit, Dad.
You're not again, because now you are a grown man, and this is a responsibility.
[CHUCKLES.]
Son, get rid of eight and nine.
They done.
- Hey, grill master.
- Hey, baby.
Mwah.
Babe, look at us.
I mean, me impressing your family, you're grill master.
We're the hits of this party, babe.
Yep, everybody loves us and is happy with our performance.
That they are, and that they do.
- Give it to me.
- BOTH: Mwah.
Hey, Shannon.
Can I get a picture? I have something better for you.
Leave a message God is good Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
For when they call.
Hey, guys! There's paper bowls here.
New this year.
Good for dip, sides, whatever.
Look kind of fun.
Try 'em out.
No bowl, sweetie? No bowls.
- Who's this? - My friend from school, Evan.
- How you doing, Evan? - Tim Cramblin.
Cramblin Advertising.
- You want to hear a joke? - No, I don't.
I just don't think a little kid's joke is ever going to make me, an adult man, laugh.
Thanks, though.
Just don't have the life experience.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Uncle Tim? Yes, sweetie? Sometimes I think things but I don't say them out loud, 'cause then people hear them and they might hurt their feelings.
Oh, my God.
I am harsh.
I'm harsh! Thank you.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
It's okay, son.
I got this.
Don't worry about a thing.
Ah, Sam.
You got divorced.
You're not in the family anymore.
You got to give up that shirt.
Chrissy.
I am so sorry I called your family pig-faced liars.
Mm, thank you, baby.
And I'm sorry I said [BLEEP.]
in front of your mom.
- You did? - Yeah.
And Aunt Lacey and Old Shirley.
But I'm not that person anymore.
I am harsh.
I realize that now.
It took a weird little kid with a shitty joke I never heard, but I'm gonna be a better man.
I love you so much.
- Mm.
- I love you too, baby.
Hey, girl! I like that hat.
Have fun, everybody.
Oh, and Sam? Take it easy on your daddy.
I need him in tip-top shape today.
Oh! Gross! Mom! Hey, be happy for me.
I'm gonna let you take it out first.
'Cause you're gonna need all the help you can get.
Let's ball.
What you got, Sam? What you got, bro? What you got? What you got? What you got? Money! - David! - [LAUGHTER.]
Look here, Sam.
Now, look.
When you're guarding somebody, you got to bend your knees and put your hands in the air.
I know how to play defense, Dad.
Really? Then how come you let me bust this in your face? - Whoo! - Yes! - Sam, bounce pass.
- Coming your way, baby.
You don't call the kind of pass you're gonna do before you do it.
I'm just having fun playing with you, buddy.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ball game! David! Kick it! Kick it! Kick it! Wait a minute.
Reset, reset, reset! I wasn't ready.
Come on.
Kick it! Kick it! Kick it! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Pass it, Sam.
It's out or your range.
No, it's not.
Here comes fade away.
Short.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Why don't you quit while you're behind? I know you know a little thing about quitting.
I gave this boy a job, and then you know what he did, George? Don't tell me he quit.
On Mothers' Day brunch! That was 15 years ago.
Oh, look ya.
You're hot and bothered.
- Just talking trash, baby.
- Don't listen to him, Sam.
- Dunk on him! - I can't dunk.
Can't grill neither.
Why don't have another handle of whiskey, you drunk old bitch? Whoa.
Hey, Samuel.
An insult is just "Is just a.
" You know what? I don't care.
I friggin' quit.
- Oh, damn.
- Damn.
Whoa.
What the That was a little harsh.
And I know, because I used to be harsh myself.
But I'm not anymore.
I'll go talk to him, gang.
Good game, everybody.
That's fun.
Hey, buddy.
I wanna let you know we're forfeiting the game.
We lost 'cause you kicked the ball.
Yeah.
Your dad was being an asshole.
I know, like, he can't just ever let anything just be.
He never just, like, let me do my thing.
Like, uh I mean, I own my own frickin' company.
No, we both own it.
Yeah, Tim, I mean, but for my point, can you just - Yeah, no, just both own it.
- Yeah, we both own it.
- I know.
- Thank you.
I mean, like, 15 years ago, you know, I'm behind the waffle iron, and, like, he's just, like, right behind me, like, "Waffle's overcooked, Sam.
" Waffle's overcooked, Sam.
" I mean, I just can't focus.
So I finally am just like, you know, I walked out of there.
I just, like, left, and then, like, before I left, like, I turned my back and, like, I looked back, I was like, "Happy Mothers' Day, you mothers.
" Did you really say that? I wish I did so much.
I think your dad's just hard on you, because he knows you can do anything.
Anything.
I can't dunk, Tim.
I think you can, Sam.
If you're going to love me - Dad.
- Samuel.
Sorry I kicked the basketball.
Ah, it's okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's just that Duvet family passion.
Makes for us to be great lovers.
I know.
You know, son, when I give you advice Or anybody for that matter It's just because I know how to do things, the best.
Yeah, Dad, just everything doesn't have to be a teachable moment.
You know, you really shouldn't have called your uncle George an old drunk bitch.
No, I know that.
You know, I know a lot of things.
In fact, some things you didn't teach me, believe it or not.
Yeah, well, whether I taught you or not, I know 'em.
That's not the point.
Test me, if you don't believe me.
- I bet I know it.
- Dad.
- Go ahead, test me.
- I bet you I know it.
- Dad.
- [LAUGHS.]
You know, son, you're gonna be a great grill master.
- I know I am.
- Just not this year.
Yeah, I know, that's fair.
[MEAT SIZZLING.]
Tim.
Hey, so I know we didn't get a lot of time to talk earlier, and I hate how we got off on the wrong foot, but are you talking shit behind my back? No.
Why, who said that? Was it Aunt Lacey? I may have said that a fly landed on your potato salad and the fly complained it was bland.
Then he flew away, got some salt, used the salt on the potato salad, so it tasted good to him.
But I now realize that although the joke was very clever, it was also harsh.
Yeah.
And I want to start fresh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Sam didn't introduce me to you sooner.
I guess he knew how intimidated I would be to meet you because you're so important to him, so it's cool.
Sweet of you to say, but I'm pretty sure it's 'cause he knew I was gonna be a big, giant asshole.
[LAUGHS.]
You're probably right.
Yes, I am right.
- Friends? - Yeah.
- All right.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Whoo! I'm doing work out there.
Hey! Now, that's a Duvet filet right there.
It's all yours, Dad.
[EAGLE SCREECHING.]
[DRAMATIC PERCUSSION.]
[IN SLOW-MOTION.]
Fork Bandit! Cock-a-doodle-doo! - Hey! - That crackhead stole my filet! I'll be god-damned.
I thought I made that shit up.
Whoopsie-daisy.
That ain't apple juice; that's Hennessy right there.
Taste pretty good though.
- You see that? - You see his abs? Yeah, I mean, you only get abs like that if you do crack.
Yeah, 'cause you're always running, trying to get the crack.
Yep, running, jumping, swimming, climbing.
I mean, it's all cardio.
- Yeah, 'cause you gotta get the crack.
- It's the whole goal.
- It's their brass ring, baby.
- It's the main thing.
- It's crack.
- BOTH: It's crack.
We're all thinking the same thing.
In a way it's admirable, you know what I mean? - Sure.
- It's like dedication - to one thing.
- Sure, man.
You look good too.
You look good.
Name me one fat crackhead.
- Lou Dobbs.
- Yeah, that's one.
- Lou Dobbs is a fat crackhead.
- That's the one.
I want to thank y'all for coming to another good Duvet family reunion! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
And I want to take this time to acknowledge my son, Samuel, in his inaugural shift as the new Duvet grill master! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
It is a job that I am confident that he will grow into.
And, son, I just want you to know I'm proud of you.
And the man you've become.
I am too.
Proud of you.
And the man you've become.
Same as your dad.
- Yeah.
- For He's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
The best.
More than you It is More than me Whoa.
We are family, like a giant tree I'm not harsh anymore, but getting up there and signing, that's a nuts move.
We are family We are so much more Than just you and I ALL: We are a family Like a giant tree Growing stronger, growing wiser ALL: We are a family [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! There's only one thing left to say: Let's hustle! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Money! Ah! Cash! Marked price! Cash! Money! Microwave! Cash! Three! Money! David! Ball game!