Dharma & Greg s02e03 Episode Script

Excuse me.
Baby in the movie theater.
Bad idea.
Don't worry, Greg.
Just fed him.
He' be good.
Dharma, what's the point of your foks babysitting at our place if we've got the baby? - T's a dry run.
If they do good without the baby, then next time, who knows? Or the four of us can take the baby to the movies.
If that baby cries, you owe me 8 bucks.
Don't worry.
You won't hear a peep out of him.
Not a peep.
- Dharma? - What? Honey, can you just? A little bit? - But it's so sad.
- I know.
Reay.
Mean, she doesn't know.
And the war.
And the vegetable garden that they planted together.
- Know it's very sad, but - No.
Don't get on the pane.
Jessica still loves you.
Here's 10.
Keep the change.
Hey, Abby, check it out.
'M a awyer.
Larry, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't put on Greg's cothes.
He' never find out.
Your honor, in the matter of People v.
Larry Finkelstein I object.
- Hello.
Hi.
- Is that my suit? - What suit? That suit.
Abby wanted to see how it would look on me.
Don't bame me, Larry.
' Go change.
Abby, did you find my underwear? You know what, Larry? Keep the suit.
- My gift to you.
- Really? Thanks.
Dharma, don't mean to rush you.
You want a Native American baby-naming ceremony fu moon's this weekend.
Hod on.
'm not gonna rub mysef with tree sap and howl at the moon again.
What kind of ceremony is that? Well, when Dharma gave me my Indian name.
Greg, did you not even notice that it was April 1 st? Okay.
We'd better eave.
Bye.
And listen, next time we babysit, you can leave the baby with us.
Pretty soon.
Bye, guys.
I love you.
The baby? We can't even leave our clothes with them.
'M sorry about the tree-sap thing.
I thought it would wash right off.
No, it's okay.
T gave me that itte push I needed to finally shave my arms.
Guess what, sweet feet.
You're gonna get a name soon.
I was hoping that we could have a ceremony for the baby that was a little more conventional.
- Like what? Thought we'd take him to my church and have him baptized.
- Since when do you have a church? - 'Ve aways had.
When do you go? On your way to work? I go on the big holidays.
- We, you didn't go Christmas or Easter.
- Because What? Why are you hounding me about this? F it's important to you, we' go to church tomorrow.
'D ike to earn about it.
- Thank you.
- You're wecome.
Even though don't go to church a ot, I do pray.
Well, what do you pray for? Well, if I tell you, it won't come true, right? 'M very happy your friend in Spanish class is tall.
Mrs.
Montgomery, you have a guest.
Abby, how delightfully spontaneous that you never call.
Thank you.
Listen, I was hoping that you and I could have a little talk, granny to granny.
We, then, by gum, why don't we? Good.
All right, now, you and I come from different backgrounds.
And we've had our disagreements, you know, about the kids' wedding Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, politics, lunch Yes, yes, yes.
We're night and day.
What's the point? Well, I know both our families have certain traditions when a baby is born.
And I thought maybe we could work things out beforehand so we don't have to bother the kids with our bickering.
That's very reasonabe of you, Abby.
So, what sort of traditions do you have? Well, first, we dig a mud pit in a forest clearing to symbolize the womb of Mother Earth.
And then everybody emerges from it one by one re-enacting their own birth.
What? Greg, we've been down this street twice.
There is no church here.
T's here.
- Where? - F you keep taking, we' miss it again.
- We, now we're back at the bridge.
- And we missed it again.
Oh, we, maybe it's under the bridge.
Were there a lot of trolls at your church? T's just never actuay drove there.
I was always in the back seat.
Wait a minute.
When was the last time you were at your church? - T doesn't matter.
' find it.
- Okay.
Okay.
Would it help if you sat in the back and I drove around for a while? Now we know that driving around in circles puts him to sleep.
The church must have moved.
Well, maybe you can pray we find it another time.
I swear there was a church there.
There was a basement.
We had cookies.
I got sick at a pancake breakfast.
Come here.
Next Sunday, we' get a phone book and a map and we' try again, okay? And there was a carnival once.
But somebody got hurt.
And we never had it again.
Dharma, we have a problem.
And I want you to know that 'm trying to be a soution.
Please.
What kind of a solution involves my husband and me crawling out of a mudhole? You were a C-section, weren't you? Okay, then you don't have to do the mudhoe.
We' just put a tent over you, and we' cut a hole in the top and yank you out.
- You will do nothing of the sort.
- Can somebody start from the beginning? - Edward, tell him.
- What happened to "shut up and drive"? Your mother-in-law is being completely unreasonable.
Well, I said that we could have the ceremony behind your church.
We are not going to dig a mud pit behind the oldest Presbyterian church in San Francisco.
T's Episcopa, dear.
Hey, Dad, where exactly is our church? Why can't we do separate ceremonies in separate places on separate days? Fine.
As long as my baptism is first.
'M sorry.
Can't move the fu moon.
And we're aready ate on the bris.
- Bris? What's a bris? - We, it's ike a christening.
Only a rabbi performs a ritual circumcision.
- Where? - Where do you think? They' probaby do it right here.
They give the baby a little red wine on a handkerchief Oh, pease.
You mean you're gonna get my grandson drunk and perform surgery on him in the living room? You know, look, frankly, Kitty, don't beieve in circumcision either.
But when it comes to penises, Larry is very Jewish.
- I have nothing against circumcision - Well, you should.
T's very much a woman's issue.
Believe me, it's very much a man's issue.
F there's gonna be one, it shoud be the father's decision.
T's his penis.
Why don't we just wait unti he's 18 and it's a grown in and see if he likes the look of the rascal? A grown boy's not gonna want anything snipped down there.
"Down there"? T's a penis.
Just say "penis.
" We, 'm not going to stand here whie you peope keep saying "penis.
" You just said it.
- She' say it, but she won't - Edward.
Kitty, I came to you in a spirit of compromise.
You came to me in a spirit of lunacy.
All right.
All right.
Hold it.
Now Mama is gonna talk.
I want my son to share in his father's heritage and mine.
And yours.
And some of Larry's.
But I also wanna expose him to Buddhism and Catholicism and Quakerism and Hinduism and piano lessons, Cub Scouts.
- Larry's gonna have a probem with - We, Larry's not the mama, now, is he? Okay, et's focus on the matter at hand.
The naming ceremony.
We have one ceremony and everyone brings the clergyman of their choice.
- Clergyperson.
- Clergyperson.
- Or spirit - Abby.
- Greg, what do you think? - Sounds good to me.
Mother? Fine.
As long as nobody gets their way, 'm happy.
- Good.
Edward? - What? Then it's setted.
Now, who would like a nice cup of Mellow Moment tea? I would love one, Dharma.
Thank you.
- Kitty? - That would be lovely.
Thank you.
I have had it with you two gravy-sucking fat cats pushing us around.
Larry, we're done arguing.
Nice shoes, Ed.
Thank you.
They're casua, but I can wear them with trousers.
' Get the tea.
What'd miss? Well, there was a tasteful druid ritual.
When Mother Nature here takes a cigarette break we' be down to a minister, a rabbi and an Indian shaman.
A minister, a rabbi and a shaman? If I could get them to walk into a bar, 'd die a happy man.
I bless this child in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Wasn't done.
Who knew? - Now 'm done.
- Amen.
We welcome this soul to the world.
And declare that for this lifetime he shall be known as Daniel Fergus - Sting Thundercloud - Monterrey Manray Finkelstein-Montgomery.
Oy, is this kid gonna be screwed up.
Want another cookie? Well, thank you very much, Larry.
You know, Kitten? - 'M gad you're Danie's grandmother.
- We, that's very sweet of you.
Because you smell like France.
Do, don't? Larry, may I have another one of your cookies? You've got one right there.
So I do.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Yes.
Grandpa Eddie Bear loves you.
Edward, I never imagined you could be so open.
Oh, you've got to say these things now when they're young.
So true.
It gets damned awkward when they learn to speak.
So the bartender says, "was taking to the duck.
" "To the duck.
" Everybody okay? Can I get you guys anything? - Oh, no - No, no.
We're great.
Okay, here's another one.
A rabbi, a minister and a shaman are playing golf at Pebble Beach Which hole? - Which hole? - Yes.
Have you ever told a joke? - Have you ever heard a joke? - Why, yes, I have.
These are not questions.
Hello, Godmother.
Hello, Godfather.
'M very honored that you've asked me to be the godfather of your child.
Sometime I may ask you for a favor.
T' probaby be for beer money or maybe a ride somewhere.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, honey.
How's it going? Your mother was telling me how important it is to teach boys about a woman's cyce.
So now 'm here.
- You are gonna teach him about sex? - Yeah.
When the time is right ' eave a book on his dresser.
- No.
Not that "sot A, tab B" stuff.
'M taking about the whole sexual experience.
About how to please your partner.
Like you can teach him that whistle thing you do.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now, when do you do that? T's not when, you moron, it's where.
- How does she know? - I was bragging.
'M not gonna teach him any of that stuff.
- Fine.
' teach him.
- No, no, no.
What? Picture how incredible it would have been in high school if your mother had sat you down and taught you how to please a woman.
Thanks for that picture, honey.
I may never have sex again.
Dharma.
- Celia, who is that? - Don't know.
He said he had a message for Mrs.
Dharma.
Honey, what's wrong? T's from a awyer.
Danie's mother wants him back.
Don't be absurd, Larry.
They're not gonna take the baby to Mexico and hide out in a cave.
Fine.
Where do you think they should hide out in a cave? I just talked to a friend of mine who does family law.
And he said the birth mother has a right to change her mind.
- The courts generally take her side.
- Then we' throw our awyers at her.
Exacty.
We' tie her up in court.
When she gets Daniel back, he' be graduating from Stanford.
- Notre Dame.
- Berkeley.
Oberlin.
Don't think it's in any of our karmic interest to destroy the biological mother.
Oh, grow up, Abby.
Karma is not going to help us here.
We, yours certainy isn't.
- Girls.
Girls.
- Hey, hey, don't ca my od ady a gir.
- Thought you'd protect your daughter.
- I am.
Then why don't you act ike it? - Don't tak to her ike that.
- I will talk to her Will you shut up.
Just shut up.
You're upsetting the baby.
Who could that possibly be? I ordered pizza.
See, and this is the naming ceremony that we had for him.
That's Pete.
And you remember Jane.
They're his godparents.
What's she throwing at him? That's just the stuff he was spitting at her.
But mean, you know, "godparents," that's kind of an honorary tite.
So they won't be around Danie much.
- Daniel? - F you don't ike it, we can change it.
I mean, he's got a ton of midde names.
We want you to know that we're open to your being involved in raising him.
Absolutely.
This is the Jewish part of the ceremony where we had him circumcised.
- Who's the woman fainting? - That's my mother.
She's usuay very strong.
But you can see here she's got a vunerabe side, too.
You can also see up her dress.
We moved into a new place.
T's a ot bigger.
And Daniel, or whatever we call him, he has his own room.
We put cowboys and Indians on the wall.
They're not fighting, they're getting along.
Some are shaking hands, dancing.
- It sounds nice.
- It is.
And Donna, you really should consider what my family can do for him.
We're taking the best schoos, the best medical care.
And I hate to say this, but when Greg's parents croak: Baby will hit the jackpot.
T's true.
Donna.
The most important thing is that we love him.
I mean, we love him more than anything in the entire world.
So we're hoping that you' think about it a little more.
I have thought about it.
T's a do.
Think about him every second of the day.
And I want him back.
'M sorry.
'm s Reay, reay sorry.
- 'M sorry.
- Yeah.
Me too.
- What are you doing? - Oh, all the gifts we got.
I just thought we'd send them to Donna.
We were gonna surprise you with it.
T's gonna be okay, you know? I know.