Die Hart (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

If I had what now?
Just an unexpected accident
with a very small,
flying, fast,
like projectile object through
- his shoulder.
- Right.
And I just think some painkillers
- would really help him.
- Mm-hmm.
I know I don't have
a prescription, but
I can assure you this is an emergency.
I see.
You wanna score some good drugs?
Some Xany, some Max,
chuckleheads, wet
Garys, shrieking Jimmys,
moon pies, butter pies?
Look, I'm not a drug
addict. I'm an actor.
Don't you recognize me?
Um
Okay. It doesn't matter, all right?
My idiot friend got
shot with a real bullet.
An actual fucking bullet,
from an actual fucking gun.
And now he's bleeding
out in your alleyway.
And if you don't help me help him,
you're gonna have a body on your hands.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Would I know him from anywhere?
[SIGHS]
[JORDAN] You're lucky
it just grazed you.
Here. It's the best I could do.
What the hell is this?
It's for the pain.
The pharmacist was a real piece of work.
Well, you're a piece of work
for bringing this out here to me.
I can't drink this.
This is my competitor.
You gotta go back in there
and ask for Gran Coramino.
- Are you being serious right now?
- Yes.
Kevin, you've been
shot. I was kidnapped.
- Grown woman-napped.
- You need to fix this.
- Okay.
- You need to fix this now.
I told you I can't.
Okay? Even if I
wanted to, I can't do it.
And, by the way, it's all by design.
I gave all the rights
over to Karl Stromberg,
who is a great precious metals magnate.
You do hear how that sounds, right?
You, you hear the words?
You know, Andre was right.
Andre, your assistant?
Yes. My assistant No.
My former assistant.
He was right though.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna pay Karl Stromberg a visit.
Yeah, that's exactly
what we're gonna do.
We're gonna tell him he
needs to get back on book,
'cause right now, he's not
following my guidelines at all.
It went all over the place.
In order for this movie
to be the best thing
that we know that it can be,
we gotta get back on pace, okay?
We're paying him a visit.
Well, at least, my car is still here.
Yeah, but it's the only one.
This place is dead.
Yeah, it's because it's
the weekend, that's why.
Kevin, it's Tuesday.
Huh.
Hey, what the fuck?
Kevin, it doesn't look like
anyone's been here for weeks.
No. That's not true.
I was just here.
I was just here.
Stromberg was right there, okay?
That was the last week or it may
It may have been a week before.
I don't know what week it was
'cause I got knocked the
fuck out, but I was here.
He was sitting at a desk right here.
This is where he was. He was
Hmm.
You will shit your pants.
I'm not crazy.
I knew he was here.
Will I have this if he wasn't here?
It's a butt to his cigar.
And you know what he was doing?
He was doing real
weird stuff with the cigar.
Licking it, putting it in his
nose, slobbering all on it.
I was watching him
while he was doing it.
Closing his eyes [SNIFFS]
All this, lick
Why did you have to drag me
into your stupid fantasy
death wish movie?
What are you talking about?
All I said was think of
somebody like Jordan King.
Keyword, think. It was a suggestion.
Oh, great. Thanks for the suggestion.
All right. He probably wanted you
because you're one of
the biggest stars in Sweden.
- What if that's the case?
- I'm pretty sure Greta Thunberg
is the biggest star in Sweden.
The environmental activist?
Yeah. They have
their priorities straight.
Hey. Whoa.
Wait a minute. Come here. What's this?
Look. Look.
[WHISPERS] Will you just look?
What the hell is this stuff?
Whoa.
-
- It's a VHS.
I haven't seen one of these in years.
Hey. It's Ronald Van & Associates
reading for, um Sorry.
[MAN] Is it, uh, Stromberg or Stromberg?
That's Karl Stromberg.
- [MAN ON TAPE] It's Stromberg.
- It's him. I mean, he
[MAN ON TAPE] Stromberg.
It's a different hair, but it's him.
[MAN ON TAPE] Bring me this man, this
Kevin Hart.
I'm actually gonna go thicker.
Kevin, it's an audition tape.
Yeah. Well, obviously.
I can see that. I see that
it's an audition tape.
The question is why.
Why is he in an audition tape?
Oh, my God. Wait a minute.
Is Karl Stromberg even real?
Wait. You didn't Google
him before the meeting?
He's from Sweden.
You want me to go all the way
to Sweden and Google?
That's ridiculous. Stop.
Are you on drugs?
[PHONE RINGING]
Quick. Answer it.
[PHONE STOPS RINGING]
Hello?
[MAN ON PHONE] Hello, Mr. Action Star.
Congratulations. You escaped.
Uh, do you know you
shot me with a real bullet?
[MAN ON PHONE] Of course, I know.
That bullet was meant to kill you.
Oh, that's stupid. You kill me,
and then you don't have a movie.
[MAN ON PHONE] You moron.
There was no movie.
There never was.
What do you mean there's no movie?
You better stop talking like that.
That's blasphemy and you know it.
There is a movie.
Okay. Who, who is
Are you the producer?
[ON PHONE] You have
forgotten who you are,
where you came from.
I don't Ain't nobody
forget where they came from.
[MAN ON PHONE] Then what was the name
of your first and only
grade school teacher?
Mrs. Faulkson
No, Ms. Clarkson.
Clark Clarkson. Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.
[MAN ON PHONE] And the
hospital where you were born?
What does that have to do with anything?
[MAN ON PHONE] The name.
[WHISPERS] Go on.
Uh, Saint Falkenstein.
[WHISPERS] That sounds rude.
Saint Falkenstein Hospital.
What Hey, enough of this shit.
Cut the shit. Who are you?
Who the fuck are you?
[MAN ON PHONE] I'm the person
who's brought into your life.
- You are no longer Kevin Hart.
- [KEVIN WHISPERING] What is happening?
- What the fuck is going on?
- [MAN ON PHONE] You are nothing.
Uh, excuse me. Can I ask
why I've been dragged into this?
Great, Kevin. You took all
the phone time with him.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse the fuck out of me
for trying to figure out
what's going on with my life,
trying to hear a
serial killer voice out.
- I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you.
- [SHUSHES]
God damn it, Jordan.
[SHUSHES] Do you hear that?
It's the VCR.
What the fuck?
[GASPS] Oh, fuck. It's a bomb.
- What?
- It's a fucking bomb!
Well, disarm it.
You fucking disarm it.
Oh, yeah, 'cause I know
how to disarm a bomb.
Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black.
That's what you think?
Every Black man know
how to disarm a bomb?
That is not a thing, Kevin.
Oh, I bet it's not a thing.
Get your racist ass back.
Move! Move!
Quick, quick, quick. Come on.
[KEVIN] Oh, my God. Open it. Open it.
[KEVIN GRUNTS] Pull. Pull.
[JORDAN BREATHING HEAVILY]
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
Get back! Get back! Get back! Get back!
[KEVIN] Shit, shit.
Okay.
Well, I guess it is just a movie.
Yeah.
And that was a fake bomb
- [EXPLOSION]
- [KEVIN] Whoa!
[BOTH COUGHING]
- [ANDRE] Everybody
- Oh, my God!
Oh, bro. Hey, you're okay?
What was that sound?
Andre? What the hell are you doing here?
- Come on. Go.
- What are you talking about?
- [KEVIN] We gotta go.
- I'll get the door for you.
- [KEVIN] No! No! Drive!
- Okay. We'll go.
Kevin, that was a real fucking bomb.
- Okay.
- A real fucking bomb!
Okay. Jordan, well, can you
put yourself in my shoes?
I will not. No. No.
I do not have to do that.
You know what? Just shut up.
Shut the fuck up. [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre.
I don't know if you remember me.
Hey, man, put your hand on the wheel.
[ANDRE] You got it. [CHUCKLES]
I'm actually
I'm Kevin's protege. Sorry.
Oh, I'm Kevin's assistant
Uh, former assistant. Fuck me.
Of course, I remember you, Andre.
So what? Kevin kicked you out
in the middle of the street, did he?
No. Pish posh no. Of course not.
Technically, it was the sidewalk.
And I love Skid Row.
Everybody's got a story to tell.
So many teachable moments.
Wait. You, you didn't go home?
You just waited here this whole time?
Well, yeah. I mean, I always
carry a spare key, right?
That's what I do.
And I don't mind waiting.
It was a quick 25, 30 hours.
Thirty hours?
I would wait a lifetime to
make sure Kevin is okay.
Okay. Stop it.
Stop it. I didn't ask you to do that.
Don't act like I did.
I know. I know. And I,
I know you fired me.
Oh, right. You fired him
because he tried to warn you
about the Swedish mobster
that was actually a shitty actor
who was working for
someone trying to murder us.
Okay. I don't understand
what's happening.
I really don't.
And, Jordan, I'm just gonna
throw this out there right now.
I feel like you're still mad at me.
I will never not be mad at you
for the rest of my life.
I am so sorry to interrupt,
but where am I going?
- Because I've just been driving.
- Hey. Hey.
- Yeah?
- We'll go to my house.
- You got it.
- Okay? Go to my house.
- You got it.
- No. I'm not going
to your house. I'm going to my house.
- No. No.
- Your house it is.
You're not going to your house
'cause I need to know that you're safe.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Just like Andre wanted to
make sure you were safe.
[SCOFFS] You know what?
I know what you're doing.
I know exactly what you're doing.
You're trying to do one of those things
where you make me evaluate
who I am as a person, right?
That's what you're trying to do.
But guess what, I'm not gonna do that
because who I am as a person
is who I'm okay with,
and I'm settled in.
[BUTTONS CLICKING]
[BEEP]
[ANDRE] It's not working.
I'm gonna try one more time.
Are you sure you're
punching in the right code?
Of course, man. It's your birthday.
Like I don't forget that.
It's tattooed on my inner thigh.
I rub it every morning.
See what I'm dealing with?
- Okay.
- All the time.
You see what I'm dealing with?
- It's not working.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe the person
who's behind all of this
changed the gate code.
Wait. And they think I'm dead.
So maybe this is to
our advantage, right?
- [ANDRE] Hmm.
- [JORDAN] Maybe.
Yeah, no, this Oh, shit.
The security. The security, Jordan.
Get in the back and hide. Hide, hide.
Maybe we just exit now. Should I go now?
- No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
- I should jus I'm gonna leave.
- I'm gonna leave, Kevin, okay?
- Hey, shut up.
You don't have to leave.
Stop, stop, stop.
- Are you sure?
- No.
- [SECURITY] Sir.
- Stay here. Stay here.
- He doesn't like me.
- [SECURITY] Sir.
Hey, what's going on? How are
you, my man? Nice to meet you.
Are you aware you're
trespassing on private property?
I did not. I did I was not aware, no.
Please reverse out and have a nice day.
You got it, my man.
[WHISPERS] No. Do not reverse.
You can't reverse.
You know what? I'm not
I can't That
My boss actually lives inside there.
- [WHISPERS] Yeah.
- So if I can just jump in there
real quick, that'd be great.
Reverse out now and no one
has to get pumped full of electricity.
Of course. I'm positive
nobody needs that.
[WHISPERS] No. Do not reverse.
Do not reverse. Do not reverse.
I'm not gonna reverse.
Do not fuck with me.
- [WHISPERS] He's bluffing.
- You're bluffing.
I assure you, I'm not bluffing.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERS] He's fucking bluffing.
[KEVIN] Fuck with him.
- He's fucking It's bullshit.
- Fuck you. You're full of
[SEIZING NOISES]
Compliments of Mr. H.
Well, I didn't tell him to do that.
- [JORDAN] Andre.
- [KEVIN] Is he okay?
[JORDAN] Andre? Andre!