Dilbert (1999) s02e03 Episode Script
Art
Ready? Ready.
Welcome to PAINTING WITH RUSTY SHANKS.
Last week, I taught you how to paint shrubbery using your own head as a brush.
That was a good show.
Today, we'll take a ride into the wild world of modern abstract art.
Just paint, Rusty, don't talk.
Some people think abstract art can't be taught.
I think that.
Let's say you wanted to express an emotion such as, oh, a fear of caterpillars.
What color would you choose? Orange.
Green.
Purple.
That's right.
It's our friend, taupe.
Taupe? Taupe? How do you make taupe? Rusty, you're killing me.
And what shape works best with taupe? Circle.
Triangle.
Line.
If you said octagon, you're right.
We'll represent the octagon with a dot and the color taupe will be represented by the color orange.
It's levels upon levels.
I don't get art.
Who decided a painting of a bowl of fruit is art? How long can you look at the same bowl of fruit anyway? At least with the actual fruit itself, you can rearrange the pieces once in a while.
You can eat it if you're hungry.
You can watch it rot.
But if all you have is a painting of fruit, your options are limited.
So you think the whole art scene is just one big scam to make money? I'm beginning to wonder.
I'd better look into it.
You do that and report back.
Who are you? Who let you in here? What do you think you're doing? We wish to interrupt this program in order to bring you this special bulletin.
Art teacher Rusty Shanks has disappeared.
No, I haven't! I'm right here! This, coupled with his refusal to repay certain outstanding loans has forced the cancellation of THE PAINTING WITH RUSTY SHOW.
I can get the money! No! No! We now return to PAINTING WITHOUT RUSTY SHANKS already in progress.
They say you have to suffer for your art.
I wonder if that's what they meant.
It's critical that we lead the effort to integrate our strategy process and behavior-related activities To facilitate our goal of sustained, predictable and high-margin profitability.
And we'll need to revitalize our efforts toward continuous quality improvement.
Wally, I'm trying to communicate here! Thanks for explaining that.
Is that what you call that morass of verbiage? Is that what you call it? It sounds like the rambling and babbling of a nincompoop.
A buffoon staggering down the street in a stupor! Good point, Asok.
Yes, it was communication, and unless that newspaper has an idea for increasing our profits, you'd better put it down and listen to me.
This thing is full of money-making ideas.
Here's a guy who sued a big company and made $25 million.
He sued us.
The product directions clearly stated "Do not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat at the same time.
" Here's a story about a painting that sold for $75 million, and the buyer's leaving it in the museum.
So he paid $75 million and got nothing in return.
Oh, boy, now we're on to something.
No, we're not.
Good work, Wally.
If only the others could work at my level.
We'll need some sort of competitive advantage If we're going to dominate the art industry.
We will also need art.
Dilbert would be good at creating art.
No, I wouldn't.
Too late.
The seed is planted.
It's true that Dilbert is no Wally.
Everyone's trying to worm themselves in my life.
But I don't know anything about art.
Uh-uh! Save it for your performance review.
But we're a technology company, not an art company.
Engineers don't understand art.
We know what we like! Don't we? How hard could it be? Art has rules just like anything else.
If you can teach a computer to play chess, you can teach a computer to make a painting.
Thank you for converting an impossible assignment into something that will look like a personal failing on my part.
Nicely done.
Not a day goes by when I do not learn something.
Well, I know what I like! You're right! I don't! I'd better learn something about art pretty quickly.
Why don't you come with me tonight to an art appreciation class at the museum? It is hosted by esteemed art expert Sister Wanda Beaver.
What do nuns know about art? You are laboring under a false stereotype of nuns.
For your information, they cannot fly under their own power, and the short ones are rarely mistaken for penguins.
I'll try to be more open-minded.
In this sweeping expression by Butah Norgon, the artist uses color to convey his message of being trapped in a career that was a huge mistake.
Forced to wear drab clothing, forbidden to explore his intense, smoldering urges.
In this floral treatment, we can feel the artist's desire to spring colorfully from his container, leaving behind his career that was a huge, huge mistake.
Hmm.
I'm also seeing some smoldering urges from the carnation.
You are THE QUICK LEARNER, MR.
DOGBERT.
The rendering is indeed packed with erotic imagery.
What imagery? Oh, it's there.
You can't spell carnation without "carnal.
" Actually, you can't spell "carnation" with "CARNAL.
" that would be "carnaltion.
" But you can't spell it without "car," and cars have back seats, do they not? Not in the 17th century when that was painted.
Ow! I still don't know what makes one piece of art better than another.
Hmm.
Maybe you should ask people what they like and then put it all in one painting.
Would that work? I was right about the carnation.
When you're shopping for a painting for the house, what qualities are you looking for? I like looking at pictures that have shootable animals.
Deer is good.
Sometimes I'm in the mood for a duck.
Nature themes.
If the price is the same, I like bigger ones.
"Big ones.
" I like pictures of things you can eat.
You should never buy paintings on an empty stomach.
I like paintings with a lot of blue.
That's my favorite color.
Yeah, blue.
Blue is good.
Yeah, I like that.
How many of you would buy a painting of a blue duck? How big is it? It's big.
I could put a frame around that shirt and sell it in an art gallery.
No one wants a stained shirt on their wall.
They'll want it if I tell them they want it.
You can't tell people what they like.
Oh, really? Ratbert.
I'm going to hang dirty laundry on the walls.
You want some for your room? Why would I want that? See? I'm not going to use Dilbert's laundry.
I'm going to buy it in an art gallery.
It's framed, expensive dirty laundry.
Can you get me a sock for over my desk? That's not fair.
How hard is it to brainwash Ratbert? Is that an insult? No, it's a compliment.
Thank you.
My lucky shirt.
You have always been good to me.
Excuse me.
Do you own this establishment? Are you a buyer or just a looky-loo? I am a third category- "Outraged victim of your laundromat.
" Yeah, we get a lot of that.
Sounds like you need some art to lighten you up.
how about this piece? it's new.
Oh, my goodness! those are my underpanties! It's blue, it's a duck.
In theory, it's art.
Print.
Hey, what's this? Nice color.
And, if I'm not mistaken, that's a duck.
Do you like it? I'm going to hang this on my cubicle wall.
Is that a duck? That is so cute.
Where did you buy that? I didn't buy it.
I'm stealing it from Dilbert.
Dilbert made this? According to my research, it's art.
Oh, my God.
What's that feeling in my stomach? Is that a growing sense of respect for Dilbert? No, I just drank a soda too fast.
But I do like the duck.
I like how it's right in the middle.
Sometimes you see a painting of a barn and it's off in one corner.
It's magnificent! I don't know whether to eat it or shoot it.
Can you make it bigger? I can make it any size you want.
Any size? Whoa, Nellie! Looks like we just hit payduck.
Thanks to the artistic work of Dilbert in the two weeks since we introduced the blue duck artwork, we have captured I didn't know we were competing against museums.
Competition? It's more like a monopoly.
Apparently, the verdict is in.
No one wants to look at crap when they can look at the blue duck.
Our only remaining threat is from some joint in France called "the louver.
" Sometimes pronounced "lou-vrey.
" They're holding on by a thread; operating a furniture reupholstering business out of the gift shop.
I didn't mean to destroy the art world.
He didn't mean to destroy the art world.
Get him.
Well, you did.
And, I for one, salute you.
I have a bad feeling about this blue duck phenomenon.
It might be a little too successful.
Culture needs diversity.
Why don't you put on a beret and starve? Dilbert, the marketplace makes no judgment.
The consumer has spoken.
Everyone loves that duck.
But if it's everywhere, won't that rob it of its uniqueness? Do we have to shove it down the public's throat at every opportunity? I really think we're going to dilute its meaning by overexposure.
Uh-oh.
Its "meaning"? I can't believe I'm seeing you in person.
You're the most famous artist in the world.
I'm not an artist.
I'm an engineer.
Aw.
Phoo.
Okay, I am an artist.
Oh, I can't believe I'm on a date with the famous creator of le canard de bleu.
The what? The blue duck.
Oh, yes.
I hope my fame isn't the only reason you like me.
Oh, don't get me wrong, Dilbert.
I don't like you personally.
I'm just into the whole scene.
What? It's nothing personal.
How could that not be personal? You just said you don't like me.
I don't like you the "person," but I love you the "famous artist.
" I'm beginning to finally understand art.
Our boss wants to talk to you.
Could we get two iced teas? You've been killing the art racket.
Our boss don't like that.
I'd like a lemon wedge in mine.
Excuse me, I don't believe we ordered this.
That's ours.
Oh, the new art piece I ordered for the conference room.
Somebody sign for this? I'll take it.
There you go.
That's your name? What of it? Oh, nothing, nothing.
I'll see you.
Oh, thank you.
I was having no small difficulty breathing.
Asok? Hello.
Don't talk to the art.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, our nearly total domination of all worldwide markets.
How about the Amish? Are they coming around? They put up a fight, but we wore them down.
I don't know about you, but I'm starting to worship this blue duck.
And you know what else? We need a phone.
We got him, boss.
Here's the guys who's been ruining our business.
Leave us.
Where am I? I am Leonardo Da Vinci- Head of the five families of art.
I have two problems with that answer.
One, it's not the answer to "where," and two, I'm pretty sure you died 500 years ago.
I invented the helicopter, the tank, and the parachute in the 1400s.
How hard do you think it was for me to invent the fountain of youth? I see your point.
You know, you were always a great hero of mine.
Is that so? Oh, yes.
I've tried to model my career after yours.
Engineer, inventor, artist No, no, no, those are all sidelines.
I am, at heart, a businessman.
Come here.
For hundreds of years, the five families have run the organized art rackets.
The Renaissance boys the Impressionists the Abstracts the Surrealists and the Postmodernists.
It all makes sense now.
You're the ones who decide which paintings are worth $50 million and which ones are put on decorative plates.
Until you came along with your vapid blue duck.
You put a crimp in our business.
Unfortunately, it would be imprudent for us to allow that situation to continue.
It's too late to stop it now.
The blue duck is everywhere.
There is only one thing that can kill great art- the taint of uncoolness.
Beg your pardon.
Sorry.
Oh, gangway.
Sit down! Watch out, big load.
Ow! Ow! Get off of me! That will clean right up with a little seltzer water.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
You have huge feet for a woman.
Here we go.
Whoa, we got a babe shot on camera two.
Okay, go to camera two.
Did you see that? Whoo! Blue ducks rule! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Hot stuff.
I still want a phone.
We don't know why, but sales of the blue duck product line have taken a plunge.
Art can be so unpredictable.
For some reason, the blue duck is no longer "cool.
" Traditional paintings are selling for millions of dollars again.
It's a crime.
It's as if the art world were organized.
So, Dilbert, what do you have for us next? Next? I hadn't really given it much thought.
That's what I thought.
Pay up.
So, anyway, the marketing department has come up with a spin-off of the blue duck concept that they call the light blue duck.
But we already know the public doesn't want that.
You're confusing the light blue duck with the regular blue duck.
Not to worry, it's a common mistake.
But don't you see, that's the point.
They're the same thing.
Dilbert, the key to marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't work.
That way, no one tries to second-guess you.
But is that the key to art? Is it just a popularity contest, or is it the transmission of one soul's innermost essence to another? Art is meant to be an unconstrained expression of the inexpressible.
It's our way of telling each other things we feel but are unable to put into words.
It is ultimately the only real way of sharing who we really are with the rest of the world.
Sorry, I lost you after "but.
" You've got some nerve talking to us that way.
Is that Dilbert speaking or his "muse"? What's the difference? If it's you, I can belittle and ridicule you.
If it's your muse I'll have to look it up and see what it actually means.
It's my muse.
Damn.
I guess I just don't get it.
It's all about branding.
Do people really know good from bad? Of course not, but they know Picasso's signature.
If he was around today, he'd be making underwear too.
But is that art? Isn't art supposed to be something that satisfies some yearning for truth and beauty? Not anymore.
Once a soup can became art, all the rules went out the window.
It's not the art, it's the logo.
Like these socks.
Well, I guess somehow that's a disappointment to me.
I'd hoped the mystery of art would reveal itself.
Perhaps it will.
Those t-shirts reveal the mystery of truth and beauty themselves.
As undergarments for our soul, they express our deep longing for tactile stimulation hidden beneath our starched collars and coarse fabrics.
Welcome to PAINTING WITH RUSTY SHANKS.
Last week, I taught you how to paint shrubbery using your own head as a brush.
That was a good show.
Today, we'll take a ride into the wild world of modern abstract art.
Just paint, Rusty, don't talk.
Some people think abstract art can't be taught.
I think that.
Let's say you wanted to express an emotion such as, oh, a fear of caterpillars.
What color would you choose? Orange.
Green.
Purple.
That's right.
It's our friend, taupe.
Taupe? Taupe? How do you make taupe? Rusty, you're killing me.
And what shape works best with taupe? Circle.
Triangle.
Line.
If you said octagon, you're right.
We'll represent the octagon with a dot and the color taupe will be represented by the color orange.
It's levels upon levels.
I don't get art.
Who decided a painting of a bowl of fruit is art? How long can you look at the same bowl of fruit anyway? At least with the actual fruit itself, you can rearrange the pieces once in a while.
You can eat it if you're hungry.
You can watch it rot.
But if all you have is a painting of fruit, your options are limited.
So you think the whole art scene is just one big scam to make money? I'm beginning to wonder.
I'd better look into it.
You do that and report back.
Who are you? Who let you in here? What do you think you're doing? We wish to interrupt this program in order to bring you this special bulletin.
Art teacher Rusty Shanks has disappeared.
No, I haven't! I'm right here! This, coupled with his refusal to repay certain outstanding loans has forced the cancellation of THE PAINTING WITH RUSTY SHOW.
I can get the money! No! No! We now return to PAINTING WITHOUT RUSTY SHANKS already in progress.
They say you have to suffer for your art.
I wonder if that's what they meant.
It's critical that we lead the effort to integrate our strategy process and behavior-related activities To facilitate our goal of sustained, predictable and high-margin profitability.
And we'll need to revitalize our efforts toward continuous quality improvement.
Wally, I'm trying to communicate here! Thanks for explaining that.
Is that what you call that morass of verbiage? Is that what you call it? It sounds like the rambling and babbling of a nincompoop.
A buffoon staggering down the street in a stupor! Good point, Asok.
Yes, it was communication, and unless that newspaper has an idea for increasing our profits, you'd better put it down and listen to me.
This thing is full of money-making ideas.
Here's a guy who sued a big company and made $25 million.
He sued us.
The product directions clearly stated "Do not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat at the same time.
" Here's a story about a painting that sold for $75 million, and the buyer's leaving it in the museum.
So he paid $75 million and got nothing in return.
Oh, boy, now we're on to something.
No, we're not.
Good work, Wally.
If only the others could work at my level.
We'll need some sort of competitive advantage If we're going to dominate the art industry.
We will also need art.
Dilbert would be good at creating art.
No, I wouldn't.
Too late.
The seed is planted.
It's true that Dilbert is no Wally.
Everyone's trying to worm themselves in my life.
But I don't know anything about art.
Uh-uh! Save it for your performance review.
But we're a technology company, not an art company.
Engineers don't understand art.
We know what we like! Don't we? How hard could it be? Art has rules just like anything else.
If you can teach a computer to play chess, you can teach a computer to make a painting.
Thank you for converting an impossible assignment into something that will look like a personal failing on my part.
Nicely done.
Not a day goes by when I do not learn something.
Well, I know what I like! You're right! I don't! I'd better learn something about art pretty quickly.
Why don't you come with me tonight to an art appreciation class at the museum? It is hosted by esteemed art expert Sister Wanda Beaver.
What do nuns know about art? You are laboring under a false stereotype of nuns.
For your information, they cannot fly under their own power, and the short ones are rarely mistaken for penguins.
I'll try to be more open-minded.
In this sweeping expression by Butah Norgon, the artist uses color to convey his message of being trapped in a career that was a huge mistake.
Forced to wear drab clothing, forbidden to explore his intense, smoldering urges.
In this floral treatment, we can feel the artist's desire to spring colorfully from his container, leaving behind his career that was a huge, huge mistake.
Hmm.
I'm also seeing some smoldering urges from the carnation.
You are THE QUICK LEARNER, MR.
DOGBERT.
The rendering is indeed packed with erotic imagery.
What imagery? Oh, it's there.
You can't spell carnation without "carnal.
" Actually, you can't spell "carnation" with "CARNAL.
" that would be "carnaltion.
" But you can't spell it without "car," and cars have back seats, do they not? Not in the 17th century when that was painted.
Ow! I still don't know what makes one piece of art better than another.
Hmm.
Maybe you should ask people what they like and then put it all in one painting.
Would that work? I was right about the carnation.
When you're shopping for a painting for the house, what qualities are you looking for? I like looking at pictures that have shootable animals.
Deer is good.
Sometimes I'm in the mood for a duck.
Nature themes.
If the price is the same, I like bigger ones.
"Big ones.
" I like pictures of things you can eat.
You should never buy paintings on an empty stomach.
I like paintings with a lot of blue.
That's my favorite color.
Yeah, blue.
Blue is good.
Yeah, I like that.
How many of you would buy a painting of a blue duck? How big is it? It's big.
I could put a frame around that shirt and sell it in an art gallery.
No one wants a stained shirt on their wall.
They'll want it if I tell them they want it.
You can't tell people what they like.
Oh, really? Ratbert.
I'm going to hang dirty laundry on the walls.
You want some for your room? Why would I want that? See? I'm not going to use Dilbert's laundry.
I'm going to buy it in an art gallery.
It's framed, expensive dirty laundry.
Can you get me a sock for over my desk? That's not fair.
How hard is it to brainwash Ratbert? Is that an insult? No, it's a compliment.
Thank you.
My lucky shirt.
You have always been good to me.
Excuse me.
Do you own this establishment? Are you a buyer or just a looky-loo? I am a third category- "Outraged victim of your laundromat.
" Yeah, we get a lot of that.
Sounds like you need some art to lighten you up.
how about this piece? it's new.
Oh, my goodness! those are my underpanties! It's blue, it's a duck.
In theory, it's art.
Print.
Hey, what's this? Nice color.
And, if I'm not mistaken, that's a duck.
Do you like it? I'm going to hang this on my cubicle wall.
Is that a duck? That is so cute.
Where did you buy that? I didn't buy it.
I'm stealing it from Dilbert.
Dilbert made this? According to my research, it's art.
Oh, my God.
What's that feeling in my stomach? Is that a growing sense of respect for Dilbert? No, I just drank a soda too fast.
But I do like the duck.
I like how it's right in the middle.
Sometimes you see a painting of a barn and it's off in one corner.
It's magnificent! I don't know whether to eat it or shoot it.
Can you make it bigger? I can make it any size you want.
Any size? Whoa, Nellie! Looks like we just hit payduck.
Thanks to the artistic work of Dilbert in the two weeks since we introduced the blue duck artwork, we have captured I didn't know we were competing against museums.
Competition? It's more like a monopoly.
Apparently, the verdict is in.
No one wants to look at crap when they can look at the blue duck.
Our only remaining threat is from some joint in France called "the louver.
" Sometimes pronounced "lou-vrey.
" They're holding on by a thread; operating a furniture reupholstering business out of the gift shop.
I didn't mean to destroy the art world.
He didn't mean to destroy the art world.
Get him.
Well, you did.
And, I for one, salute you.
I have a bad feeling about this blue duck phenomenon.
It might be a little too successful.
Culture needs diversity.
Why don't you put on a beret and starve? Dilbert, the marketplace makes no judgment.
The consumer has spoken.
Everyone loves that duck.
But if it's everywhere, won't that rob it of its uniqueness? Do we have to shove it down the public's throat at every opportunity? I really think we're going to dilute its meaning by overexposure.
Uh-oh.
Its "meaning"? I can't believe I'm seeing you in person.
You're the most famous artist in the world.
I'm not an artist.
I'm an engineer.
Aw.
Phoo.
Okay, I am an artist.
Oh, I can't believe I'm on a date with the famous creator of le canard de bleu.
The what? The blue duck.
Oh, yes.
I hope my fame isn't the only reason you like me.
Oh, don't get me wrong, Dilbert.
I don't like you personally.
I'm just into the whole scene.
What? It's nothing personal.
How could that not be personal? You just said you don't like me.
I don't like you the "person," but I love you the "famous artist.
" I'm beginning to finally understand art.
Our boss wants to talk to you.
Could we get two iced teas? You've been killing the art racket.
Our boss don't like that.
I'd like a lemon wedge in mine.
Excuse me, I don't believe we ordered this.
That's ours.
Oh, the new art piece I ordered for the conference room.
Somebody sign for this? I'll take it.
There you go.
That's your name? What of it? Oh, nothing, nothing.
I'll see you.
Oh, thank you.
I was having no small difficulty breathing.
Asok? Hello.
Don't talk to the art.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, our nearly total domination of all worldwide markets.
How about the Amish? Are they coming around? They put up a fight, but we wore them down.
I don't know about you, but I'm starting to worship this blue duck.
And you know what else? We need a phone.
We got him, boss.
Here's the guys who's been ruining our business.
Leave us.
Where am I? I am Leonardo Da Vinci- Head of the five families of art.
I have two problems with that answer.
One, it's not the answer to "where," and two, I'm pretty sure you died 500 years ago.
I invented the helicopter, the tank, and the parachute in the 1400s.
How hard do you think it was for me to invent the fountain of youth? I see your point.
You know, you were always a great hero of mine.
Is that so? Oh, yes.
I've tried to model my career after yours.
Engineer, inventor, artist No, no, no, those are all sidelines.
I am, at heart, a businessman.
Come here.
For hundreds of years, the five families have run the organized art rackets.
The Renaissance boys the Impressionists the Abstracts the Surrealists and the Postmodernists.
It all makes sense now.
You're the ones who decide which paintings are worth $50 million and which ones are put on decorative plates.
Until you came along with your vapid blue duck.
You put a crimp in our business.
Unfortunately, it would be imprudent for us to allow that situation to continue.
It's too late to stop it now.
The blue duck is everywhere.
There is only one thing that can kill great art- the taint of uncoolness.
Beg your pardon.
Sorry.
Oh, gangway.
Sit down! Watch out, big load.
Ow! Ow! Get off of me! That will clean right up with a little seltzer water.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
You have huge feet for a woman.
Here we go.
Whoa, we got a babe shot on camera two.
Okay, go to camera two.
Did you see that? Whoo! Blue ducks rule! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Hot stuff.
I still want a phone.
We don't know why, but sales of the blue duck product line have taken a plunge.
Art can be so unpredictable.
For some reason, the blue duck is no longer "cool.
" Traditional paintings are selling for millions of dollars again.
It's a crime.
It's as if the art world were organized.
So, Dilbert, what do you have for us next? Next? I hadn't really given it much thought.
That's what I thought.
Pay up.
So, anyway, the marketing department has come up with a spin-off of the blue duck concept that they call the light blue duck.
But we already know the public doesn't want that.
You're confusing the light blue duck with the regular blue duck.
Not to worry, it's a common mistake.
But don't you see, that's the point.
They're the same thing.
Dilbert, the key to marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't work.
That way, no one tries to second-guess you.
But is that the key to art? Is it just a popularity contest, or is it the transmission of one soul's innermost essence to another? Art is meant to be an unconstrained expression of the inexpressible.
It's our way of telling each other things we feel but are unable to put into words.
It is ultimately the only real way of sharing who we really are with the rest of the world.
Sorry, I lost you after "but.
" You've got some nerve talking to us that way.
Is that Dilbert speaking or his "muse"? What's the difference? If it's you, I can belittle and ridicule you.
If it's your muse I'll have to look it up and see what it actually means.
It's my muse.
Damn.
I guess I just don't get it.
It's all about branding.
Do people really know good from bad? Of course not, but they know Picasso's signature.
If he was around today, he'd be making underwear too.
But is that art? Isn't art supposed to be something that satisfies some yearning for truth and beauty? Not anymore.
Once a soup can became art, all the rules went out the window.
It's not the art, it's the logo.
Like these socks.
Well, I guess somehow that's a disappointment to me.
I'd hoped the mystery of art would reveal itself.
Perhaps it will.
Those t-shirts reveal the mystery of truth and beauty themselves.
As undergarments for our soul, they express our deep longing for tactile stimulation hidden beneath our starched collars and coarse fabrics.