Doug (1991) s02e03 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL,
REMEMBER THIS DAY.
TODAY WAS THE DAY
I GOT MY FIRST KISS.
IT HAPPENED EARLIER THIS EVENING
AT THE BLUFFINGTON BEET BLOSSOM
FESTIVAL PARADE
BUT IT ACTUALLY STARTED
YESTERDAY MORNING.
HUH?
DOUG?
UH, DOUG?
ARE YOU OKAY?
SKEETER, READ THIS.
"I THINK YOU'RE CUTE,
FROM YOUR SECRET ADMIRER."
WOW! CONGRATULATIONS,
DOUG.
YOU'VE GO
A GIRLFRIEND.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
IN CLASS,
I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE
ON ANYTHING MRS. WINGO SAID.
IF PI "r" SQUARED
AND "I" COMES BEFORE
"E" EXCEPT AFTER "C"
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE
I MUST HAVE READ MY NOTE
8,000 TIMES.
SOMEONE HAD A CRUSH ON ME.
WHOEVER WROTE IT MADE SURE
TO DISGUISE THEIR HANDWRITING.
BUT WHO WAS IT?
COULD NANCY PANKLE
BE MY SECRET ADMIRER?
OR VANESSA VAN HOLTEN?
( gasping: )
THERE HE IS!
BEARING: 2-3-6.
RANGE?
FOUR MILES.
OH, WHAT A GUY!
Vanessa:
TAKE A PICTURE.
YEAH, IT'LL LAST LONGER.
WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'
ONE OF THEM AFTER ALL.
WAIT, COULD IT BE?
OF COURSE!
FINALLY, AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS
IT HAD TO BE THE GIRL
I SECRETLY ADMIRED--
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
MAYBE SHE WANTED ME TO JOIN HER
IN THE BEET BLOSSOM PARADE.
JUST THEN I HAD
A TERRIBLE THOUGHT.
WHAT IF THE PERSON
PUTTING THE NOTES IN MY LOCKER
TURNED OUT TO BE
HA HA, SUCKER!
WHO WOULD HAVE A CRUSH
ON A LOSER LIKE YOU?
BUT ROGER'S SPELLING
WAS TERRIBLE.
HE COULDN'T HAVE SPELLED
"ADMIRER" FOR HIS LIFE.
WHO WROTE THE NOTE?
OH, MAN,
ANOTHER ONE.
WHAT'S IT SAY?
"MEET ME A
THE HONKER BURGER TONIGHT.
"I'LL BE WEARING MY
BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL SWEATSHIRT.
SIGNED,
YOUR SECRET ADMIRER."
GOSH, DOUG, YOU'RE
GOING ON A BLIND DATE.
A BLIND DATE?
WITH WHO?
HELLO.
NO I HAD TO BREAK
THE ICE JUST RIGHT.
I TRIED TO THINK HOW
SECRET AGENT SMASH ADAMS
WOULD HANDLE THIS CASE.
"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, BABY?"
I NEED SOMETHING
MORE ME.
HOW ABOUT "WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?"
AND THEN YOU GIVE HER
A SMOOCH.
I DON'T KNOW.
I GOT IT.
HOW ABOUT
HOW ABOUT LETTING SOMEONE ELSE
USE THE BATHROOM, ROMEO?
ARE YOU GOING ON A DATE?
OH, OUR LITTLE
DOUGIE'S GROWING UP!
CAN IT!
TO SAY
SOMETHING NICE
TRY "YOU
LOOK NICE."
GIRLS LIKE THAT.
REALLY?
NOW, GET OU
BEFORE I KILL YOU.
WELL, PORKCHOP,
HERE GOES NOTHING.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
IT IS PATTI.
( barks )
HEY, DOUG,
HOW'S IT GOING?
HEY, PATTI,
YOU LOOK NICE.
I LOOK TERRIBLE.
I JUST CAME FROM A BALL GAME.
YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OH, YOU KNOW,
OUR LITTLE SECRET.
THEN IT HIT ME.
( gasps )
EVERYONE IS WEARING
BLUFFINGTON SWEATSHIRTS.
WE JUST CAME FROM
A BEETBALL GAME
AGAINS
THE MOODY SCHOOL.
OH, BEETBALL.
WELL, I GUESS
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
GREAT, I ALREADY MADE
AN IDIOT OF MYSELF.
I ONLY HOPED MY REAL
SECRET ADMIRER WASN'T WATCHING.
I DECIDED I'D SIT DOWN
AND WAIT FOR A FEW MINUTES.
( snoring )
( whistling )
HEY, DUDE,
WE'RE CLOSING.
COME ON, PORKCHOP,
I GUESS SHE'S
NOT COMING.
Skeeter:
CHEER UP, DOUG.
IT COULD HAVE
BEEN WORSE.
YEAH, HOW?
SHE MIGHT HAVE
TURNED OUT TO BE AWFUL
SOMEBODY LIKE
UH-OH!
Both:
BEEBE!
BEEBE BLUFF LIKES ME?
I THOUGHT SHE HATED ME.
WOW
BEEBE BLUFF LIKES ME.
SNAP OUT OF IT.
THINK ABOUT IT:
BEEBE BLUFF--
THE BIGGEST SNOB
IN SCHOOL.
WELL, DARLING,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?
DON'T YOU
JUST ADORE IT?
WELL, I SAVED
THE BEST FOR LAST.
COME ON, PRECIOUS.
SURPRISE!
NOW HE LOOKS
LIKE A REAL DOG.
WOOF, WOOF, YES.
( growling )
SKEETER, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
WHAT DOES THE NOTE SAY?
"MEET ME AT THE BALL GAME.
SORRY I MISSED YOU,
YOUR SECRET ADMIRER."
OH, MAN, WHY IS IT BEEBE?
YOU GOT TO GET I
THROUGH HER HEAD:
YOU TWO DON'T MAKE A PAIR.
YOU COULD SLAP HER.
FORGET IT--
PLAN "B":
WHO IS IT BEEBE
CAN'T STAND?
I THOUGHT IT WAS ME.
NO, SHE
CAN'T STAND ROGER.
SHE THINKS HE'S INCREDIBLY
RUDE AND OBNOXIOUS.
SO?
Boy:
LET'S GO!
SKEETER, THIS
IS COMPLETELY STUPID.
THIS IS
THE ONLY WAY OU
WITHOUT HURTING
BEEBE'S FEELINGS.
NOW, JUST REMEMBER:
THINK "ROGER."
OKAY, HERE GOES NOTHING.
HEY, GET A LOAD
OF FUNNIE.
( laughing )
FUNNIE, YOU LOOK
LIKE A DUFUS.
WHAT A LOSER.
( in Roger's voice: )
HEY, VALENTINE,
THAT'S MY SEAT!
HEY, DOUG, YOU BIG
BULLY, STOP PUSHING.
PICK ON SOMEONE
YOUR OWN SIZE, MAN.
DON'T MAKE ME
LOSE MY TEMPER,
VALENTINE.
I MIGHT HAVE
TO CREAM YOU.
WHOA!
( splat )
I THINK THA
MIGHT HAVE DONE
THE TRICK, DOUG.
DON'T WORRY-- I
GOT ANOTHER IDEA
THAT NEVER FAILS.
"MEET ME AT THE BEE
BLOSSOM PARADE TONIGHT.
"I'LL BE DRESSED LIKE
A PICKLED BEET PIE.
THIS TIME COME ALONE."
WE'LL DRESS YOU UP
LIKE A BIG RACCOON
NO, IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS.
I'LL HAVE TO UNLEASH PLAN "C"
ON BEEBE.
PLAN "C"!
NOT PLAN "C," DOUG!
WHAT IS PLAN "C,"
ANYWAY?
PLAN "C" IS: WHEN I SEE BEEBE
COMING, I RUN AWAY AND HIDE.
GENIUS, DOUG!
( cheering, clapping )
THAT NIGHT, SKEETER AND I
MARCHED IN THE PARADE.
I WAS PICKLED BEETS
AND HE WAS A GLASS OF BEETNOG.
Skeeter:
HOW'S PLAN "C"
GOING?
SO FAR, SO GOOD.
I SHOULD BE OKAY IF I CAN
AVOID BEEBE UNTIL COLLEGE.
COME ON, THE PARADE'S
STARTING.
THAT'S WHEN I SAW HER.
THERE WAS BEEBE, WAITING FOR ME
TO COME UP TO HER.
AND THERE I WAS,
HIDING FROM HER.
I REMEMBERED THE NIGHT BEFORE
AND HOW HARD IT WAS
TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LIKE THEM
AND HOW AWFUL IT FEL
IF THEY IGNORED YOU.
COULD I LEAVE BEEBE
WAITING LIKE THAT?
DOUG, THERE'S BEEBE,
PLAN "C."
PLAN "C," RUN AWAY!
CAN YOU EXCUSE ME
FOR A MINUTE?
HEY, BEEBE.
HEY, DOUG.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
WELL, BEEBE
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
I DON'T THINK
I'M RIGHT FOR YOU.
YOU'RE RIGHT, DOUG,
I AGREE.
YOU DO?
THAT WAS EASIER
THAN I THOUGHT.
I BETTER GIVE YOU
THESE.
WHERE DID YOU GET MY?
OH, NO!
OH, NOW, BEEBE,
DON'T WORRY.
WE CAN STILL BE
FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW, LOVE IS SOR
OF FUNNY LIKE THAT
THAT WAS YOUR LOCKER, DOUG?
OH, I AM SO EMBARRASSED!
OH!
THE NOTES WEREN'T FOR ME?
NO WAY!
BUT THIS IS GREAT!
THAT MEANS THE GUY
I WROTE THEM TO NEVER GOT THEM.
NO WONDER HE IGNORED ME.
OH, DOUG, I'M SO HAPPY!
SO THAT'S HOW I GO
MY FIRST KISS
AND, ACTUALLY,
IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
DON'T TAKE I
THE WRONG WAY, DOUG.
I MEAN, YOU'RE OKAY
BUT, FRANKLY, I FIND YOU
INCREDIBLY PLEBEIAN.
THANKS, I THINK YOU'RE,
UH THAT, TOO.
YES, WE'RE SO WRONG
FOR EACH OTHER.
SO, BEEBE, WHO WERE
THE NOTES FOR ANYWAY?
HUH?
SO, AS IT TURNED OUT,
I GOT TO MARCH NEXT TO PATTI
AND BEEBE GOT TO MARCH
NEXT TO THE PERSON
SHE REALLY SECRETLY ADMIRED
SKEETER.
SO I WAS SAVED--
SAVED FROM HAVING
SOME GIRL HANG AROUND
AND WRITE ME LITTLE NOTES
AND TELL ME I'M CUTE
AND TELL EVERYONE
HOW GREAT I AM.
I'M TOO YOUNG TO SETTLE DOWN.
IT'S A BIG WORLD AND I WAN
TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT IT
BEFORE I GET SHACKLED UP
TO A LIFE OF MONOGAMY.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT,
PORKCHOP?
Doug:
THIS WEEK, MY AUNT BETTY ANN
CAME TO VISIT.
SHE WORKS AT A TV STATION
IN BLOATSBURG
AND BARELY HAS TIME TO SEE US.
WELL, HERE I AM!
I COULD JUS
EAT YOU ALL UP!
DOUGIE, I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW YOU'VE GROWN.
OOH, YOU'RE SO BIG
FOR YOUR AGE.
NOT REALLY.
I ALMOST FORGOT.
I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
GUESS WHAT?
LITTLE DOUGIE'S
GOING TO BE ON TV.
ON TV?
CONGRATULATIONS.
BETTY ANN, YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE.
DOUG,
IT'LL BE SO WONDERFUL.
I REMEMBER MY OWN DEBUT.
WHAT?
ME, ON TV?
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
Patti:
IT'S THE DOUG FUNNIE SHOW,
STARRING DOUG FUNNIE!
AND NOW, PUT YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER FOR
DOUG FUNNIE!
LET'S GET BUSY.
THAT'S RIGHT, SUGAR,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
ON THE BESTES
SHOW IN TOWN--
COWPOKE PETE'S
KIDDIE CORRAL.
HUH?
KIDDIE CORRAL?
THAT'S THE SHOW
AUNT BETTY ANN
WORKS ON.
WHAT A THRILL TO SEE
LITTLE DOUGIE WUGGIE
ON THE BIG TV WEEVEE.
BUT THAT'S A BABY'S SHOW.
GEE, TOUGH BREAK, DOUG.
ONE WORD OF ADVICE:
IF THE TODDLERS
ASK HOW OLD YOU ARE
TELL THEM YOU'RE
IMMATURE FOR YOUR AGE.
Kids:
HOWDY, PETE!
WELL, A ROOTY TOOT TOO
AND A YIPPEE YAHOO!
HOWDY HI-HO TO
ALL YOU WRANGLERS OUT THERE.
THIS IS COWPOKE PETE!
THIS WEEK ON KIDDIE CORRAL
YOU'LL SEE DOUG FUNNIE
THE BIGGEST LITTLE BABY
IN THE WORLD.
YAHOO!
( honking )
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, FLAPJACK?
( screaming )
DON'T SWEAT IT, DOUG.
NOBODY OVER THE AGE OF SIX
WATCHES THAT SHOW ANYWAY.
YESTERDAY'S KID COULDN'
HOGTIE FLAPJACK.
WHO KNOWS?
IT MIGHT BE FUN.
HUH?!
KNOCK, KNOCK.
HEY, AUNT BETTY ANN,
THIS IS SKEETER.
HELLO, SKEETER.
ARE YOU JOINING DOUG
ON HIS TELEVISION DEBUT?
HUH?
I GAVE DOUG TWO TICKETS.
I'D LOVE TO
BUT I'M HAVING MY TEETH
DRILLED THAT DAY.
WHAT A KIDDER.
HE WAS JUST SAYING
HOW COOL IT WOULD BE
TO SEE A REAL LIVE
TV SHOW.
RIGHT, SKEET?
EVEN THOUGH SKEETER WAS COMING,
I STILL FELT NERVOUS.
WE WERE BIGGER THAN EVERYBODY.
WE'D STICK OU
LIKE A PAIR OF SORE THUMBS.
THAT'S DISGRACEFUL.
THEY'RE TWICE AS OLD
AS ANYONE ELSE.
WE'RE ONLY
SIX YEARS OLD.
NO FIVE.
Kids:
YEAH!
SKEET, THANKS
FOR STICKING WITH ME.
NO PROBLEM.
IT'S GREAT TO KNOW
THAT EVEN IF SOMEBODY SEES THIS
WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
SORRY, DOUG, BU
I COULD ONLY FIND ONE.
( honk, honk )
WELL, A ROOTY TOOT TOOT AND
A HOWDY HI-HO, WRANGLERS!
Kids:
HOWDY, PETE!
ARE YOU READY FOR
A ROOTIN'-TOOTIN' TIME
WITH COWPOKE PETE
AND FLAPJACK THE CLOWN?
YOU GOT YOUR BRANDING IRONS?
THEN FLAPJACK AND I SAY
SPEAKING OF FLAPJACK,
HAVE YOU KIDS SEEN HIM?
( chaotic yelling )
ARE YOU KIDS SURE YOU
DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS AT?
Skeeter:
HE'S IN THE BARREL!
THE BARREL, THE BARREL!
HE'S UNDER YOUR
( laughs weakly )
THIS WAS GREAT.
MY BEST FRIEND WAS NO HELP
AND MY AUNT WAS BLOCKING
MY ONLY EXIT.
IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE.
( kids cheering )
GUESS WHAT, KIDDIES?
IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF
YOU LITTLE WRANGLERS
TO COME DOWN HERE
AND PLAY ROMPER ROUNDUP.
YAY!
ALL RIGHT!
WHICHEVER ONE
OF YOU LITTLE RUSTLERS
CATCHES MY LUCKY COWBOY HA
WILL BE THE ONE TO PLAY!
HUH?
WHEE, WE GOT US
A RINGER HERE!
GO GET HIM, FLAPJACK.
SKEETER, WHAT'S GOING ON?
COOL, MAN.
YOU GET TO GO UP
AND PLAY ROMPER ROUNDUP!
( Doug screaming )
DON'T WORRY!
NOBODY WE KNOW
WATCHES THIS SHOW!
( laughing )
Today's weather
Roger:
NOT SO FAST,
YOU MORON, GO BACK.
IT IS!
IT'S FUNNIE!
Flapjack, looks like
we roped us a whopper.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
COWBOY?
DOUG.
WELL, NOT TODAY.
TODAY YOUR NAME'S HOSS.
OLD FLAPJACK
WILL GET YOU READY
for Romper Roundup!
HOSS?
OOH, THIS IS PRICELESS.
DUH, YEAH, PRICELESS.
( laughs: )
GO GET 'EM, HOSS!
PARTNER, ALL
YOU GOTS TO DO
IS RIDE THE BRONCO
AROUND THEM BARRELS
CATCH SQUEALER
AND ROPE AND HOGTIE FLAPJACK,
IN 60 SECONDS.
YOU GOT ALL
THAT, HOSS?
AND IF YOU DON'T DO
IT RIGHT AT FIRST
TELL HIM, KIDS!
All:
YOU GOT TO DO IT OVER!
YEE-HAW, RIDE 'EM, COWBOY!
GO GET 'EM, DOUG!
COME ON, HOSS!
( squealing )
Cowpoke Pete:
AND REMEMBER, KIDS
WHOEVER PARTICIPATES
IN THE ROMPER ROUNDUP
GETS A COPY
OF THEIR PERFORMANCE
ON A "VIEW B RITE"
VIDEO CASSETTE.
IF THE VIEW AIN'T RIGH
IT AIN'T "VIEW B RIGHT"!
AT ALL BUSY BEAVER
DEPARTMENT STORES.
OH, DOUG, I'M
SO PROUD OF YOU.
I'LL GET US SOMETHING
TO EAT, OKEYDOKEY?
I'D LIKE TO DROP OFF
THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
I JUST HOGTIED A CLOWN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
DOUG?
YOU DID GREAT.
WHAT IF SOMEONE WE KNOW
HAPPENED TO SEE ME?
RELAX, MAN,
I ALREADY TOLD YOU--
NOBODY WATCHES THIS SHOW.
OH!
WHAT'S WRONG, SKEET?
HEY, FUNNIE
OR SHOULD
I SAY HOSS?
I REALLY ENJOYED
YOUR PERFORMANCE TODAY.
AND TOMORROW, I THINK
THE KIDS AT SCHOOL
WILL LOVE IT.
ROGER, YOU WOULDN'T.
DON'T BE MODEST, HOSS.
I COULDN'T DEPRIVE THEM
OF YOUR TALENTS.
AND IF I WERE YOU
I'D BRING A SADDLE
TO SCHOOL TOMORROW
BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE GOING
TO BE RIDING YOU ALL DAY.
THIS WAS WORSE
THAN I EVER IMAGINED.
STEP RIGHT UP.
COME IN FOR
THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.
RIDE THE "HOSS."
FASTER, HOSS, FASTER, FASTER.
HAVE I MET THAT FRIEND
OF YOURS BEFORE?
HE LOOKS
SO FAMILIAR.
WOW, MY WHOLE LIFE RUINED.
IT'S FUNNY HOW
ONE CRAZY ACT CAN DESTROY
YOUR ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR.
Roger:
EVERYBODY, QUIET!
THE SHOW'S ABOU
TO START.
YOU'RE IN FOR
A REAL TREAT.
I TRIED TO REASON WITH ROGER
ONE MORE TIME.
WHAT IS IT, FUNNIE?
A LAST REQUEST?
ROGER, I LIKE I
IN BLUFFINGTON.
I DON'T WANT TO MOVE.
DON'T WORRY, FUNNIE.
ONCE THESE KIDS SEE
YOUR PERFORMANCE
YOU'LL BE TREATED
LIKE A KING--
KING OF THE GOONS.
Betty Ann:
DOUGIE, YOO-HOO!
I'M SO GLAD I FOUND YOU
AND YOUR
LITTLE FRIEND, TOO.
WHEN I SAW YOU
AT THE HONKER BURGER
I JUST KNEW
YOU LOOKED FAMILIAR.
THEN IT HIT ME
LIKE A SACK OF FERTILIZER.
YOU WERE ON THE SHOW
LAST YEAR.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
OH, DON'T BE MODEST.
IT'S ALL HERE
ON YOUR TAPE.
BYE-BYE!
IT'S NOT EVERY BOY
WHO GETS A RECORD
FOR ROPING FLAPJACK.
Roger:
WAIT, DON'T!
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
ROGER ON KIDDIE CORRAL?
MY GOOFY GRANDMA
MADE ME DO IT.
SHE THINKS I'M STILL
A TWO-YEAR-OLD.
( squealing )
OW, OW, OW!
THAT NIGHT, ROGER AND I HAD
A SPECIAL SHOWING OF OUR TAPES.
OOH, NOW
IT'S GETTING GOOD.
THIS BOWL OF POPCORN
AIN'T BIG ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US,
ROWDY ROGER.
WATCH IT, HOSS.
I'LL ROPE
AND HOGTIE YOU.
I GOT THE RECORD.
WELL, ROOTY TOOT TOO
TO YOU, TOO.
WELL, YIPPEE TIE-YO
TIE-YAY TO YOU.
YOU'RE EATING
ALL THE POPCORN.
HOSS, DON'T MAKE
ME RIDE YOU.