Duncanville (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs.]
Ooh.
[growls.]
- Mommy.
- Aaaaaaah.
- Duncan.
- Duncan.
- [screaming.]
- What's wrong, Jing? Did you have that dream about the woman with no eyes that stares at you? No, worse.
I've outgrown my room.
- But you love this room.
- Sure, 41/2-year-old me did, but that was months ago.
I'm a totally different person.
I can balance on one foot now.
- How does she do that? - Well, Jing, what would you like? Something more mature, like maybe warrior princess, unicorns obvi, but I wouldn't rule out rapping chipmunks.
Say no more.
This weekend I'm gonna give you an amazing room makeover.
You're a plumber, Dad.
You dig hair out of toilets.
Hire a contractor.
I dig lots of stuff out of toilets! And I can do anything a contractor does, - just not legally.
- Thanks, Daddy.
I'll more in with Kimberly till you're done.
Sister sleepover.
No, I need my privacy in case a boy calls.
[laughter.]
- That's great.
- Oh, we're sorry, honey.
- It's gonna happen someday.
- Have you heard something? Is it the kid who came to our door selling seeds? Because I felt like we made a connection.
Let's go, Kimberly.
You're making a fool of yourself.
Hey Duncan, wanna remodel Jing's room with me? Be the master's apprentice? Oh, I'd hate to, but Mom's already trapped me into doing something with her.
I'm cashing in an old IOU Duncan made for me last Mother's Day.
So we're going bowling, 'cause that was always our thing.
It'll be just like old times.
Mother and son hangin' and bowlin' and Dunkie.
- Ooh - Ah.
Ugh, I had it.
Slow and steady wins the race, Dunkie.
Head on a swivel.
Check side, rear, front, side, rear, front, side, rear, front - I'm gonna barf.
- Good.
That means you're safe.
Careful.
You almost bumped that car full of nudists drinking hot tea.
Okay, there's the bowling alley.
Use your signal and patiently wait your turn.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Okay, ready? Wait for it.
Now take your well-earned left turn and ease this baby into a spot far from unmarked white vans.
Forget it.
I'm not walking that far.
Mom, my name's Duncan.
- Dunkie's cuter.
- Ugh.
Hold out your hands.
This is what I used to do for your bottom.
Ugh.
[all cheering.]
- Aw, man.
- What's wrong? Don't you like bowling anymore? - I love bowling.
It's just that - Is it the noise? The watery pizza? The broken claw machine? The sweaty guy in the tank top who keeps kissing his ball? [laughter.]
Oh, I get it.
You think I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
Well, don't you worry your sweet powdered bottom about that.
Let's hit some pins! Ugh.
Yes.
Three.
[cellphone buzzing.]
Ooh, ahh.
[laughter.]
Something popped in my chest.
He does like bowling.
Just not with me.
I came in like a wrecking ball ♪ I never hit so hard in love ♪ All I wanted was to break your walls ♪ [grunts.]
Yeah, I wre-e-e-ecked you ♪ [grunts.]
Yeah, I wre-e-e-ecked you ♪ Wow.
I've never been in your room longer than Jing, get out of my room.
Let's lay some ground rules here.
Don't touch my computer.
Don't touch my makeup.
Don't touch my phone.
This is gonna be fun.
So what do girls do at sleepovers? I've never been on one.
We do each other's hair, nails, and you can never go wrong with dishing hot gossip - or trashing good friends.
- Won't that hurt their feelings? You have so much to learn.
Let's start with hot gossip.
Tara likes Ryan.
But Ryan likes Amber.
But Amber's just using Ryan to make Daniel K.
jealous.
But here's the twist.
Daniel K.
is in love with Ryan.
Your turn.
Well, opossum is nice to beaver, beaver is nice to ladybug, but opossum is also nice to ladybug.
It's all crazy, and I'm, like, drama.
- Do you know any real people? - I know you, but you don't seem to have a love life.
Ouch.
You catch on quick.
[whimpering.]
Honey, why are you crying.
And have you seen my good nail gun? It's over, Jack.
It's all over.
Can't we at least wait until the kids leave for college? No.
Duncan's childhood is over.
He's outgrown me.
Just like he's outgrown this little hoodie and his one-eyed teddy bear and his baby teeth and the hair from his first haircut.
Aw, look how cute he used to be.
Oh, boy.
Listen, honey, Duncan's 15 now.
It's normal.
He'll appreciate you again in his forties when his wife leaves him - and he needs you to watch his kids.
- I can't wait that long.
There's gotta be something we can enjoy together.
I wonder if he still plays his little xylophone.
[xylophone clanging.]
Yeah, that's jazz, man.
Annie, take it from the neediest man alive.
You've gotta be patient.
He'll find his way back to you.
Not if I find my way back to him first.
I put a GPS tracker on his hoodie.
Thanks for the wise but completely wrong advice.
See ya.
- Hug me.
- Ahh! Well, the night's young, and this Dew's got me feelin' good.
What's next? [distant sound.]
What was that? If it's in the woods, it's gotta be good.
[all panting.]
- I'll bet it's a spaceship.
- We can protect the adorable alien inside from the government.
I'll get him wasted and teach him how to cuss.
A stock car track.
That's cool too, right? Deadbeat dads goin' 200 miles an hour? Uh, yeah.
- Mia, you work here? - Papa Mom sponsors a car, so apparently part of my below-minimum-wage job now is to make sure nobody messes with it.
- Can I mess with it? - Yeah, sure.
Ugh.
Look, I'm a race car drivin' guy.
Meer-shwer-hrr-frow.
Those are some great racing sounds.
- Is he your driver? - Please say yes.
Please say yes.
Please say yes.
Hang on, let me just take a look at my paystub.
Yes.
♪♪ Ah, only good things will come of this.
[tires screech.]
Hi, I'm Dirty Duncan Harris.
When I have a big race, Papa Mom's Pizza gives me the fuel I need.
Mmm.
Tastes like Amurica.
And cut.
Duncan, baby, beautiful! Hey, Duncan, I brought our ten beautiful multi-racial kids to visit you on set.
I am truly blessed.
I can't provide for all them kids.
[phone beeping.]
He's gotta be around here somewhere.
Mom? What are you doing here? - Not letting you outgrow me.
- Duncan! The race has started.
Vroom-vroom already.
- How do you start this thing? - Ugh.
Flip the rocker switches, hit the clutch, and throw it into first.
Huh? Drive.
[tires squealing.]
Side, rear, front.
Wait your turn.
Wait your turn.
Forget all that crap.
We're racin' now! Ahh! Uh-uh-uh! [engines revving.]
Faster, Dunkie.
Swift and crazy wins the race.
- There's a car in front of us.
- Not if you bump his ass there ain't.
Since when are you a psycho driver? Since I thought I lost my baby boy forever.
I have a brother? Oh, cool, but you should probably tell Dad.
[cheers and applause.]
Oh, my God, we won.
Thanks, Mom.
I've reconnected with my son.
[cheers and applause.]
[chitters.]
[slurping.]
Mom, would you like a victory sip? Oh, wow, gravy tastes so much better out of a trophy.
Well, congratulations, you two.
Jealousy doesn't look good on you, Jack.
[glugging.]
I didn't know you were so into racing, Mom.
Oh, I'm not.
I'm into winning.
- Especially with my son.
- With her crazy competitive side and my ability to sit, we're a great team.
We ride together, we die together.
- I wanna die with Kimberly.
- Aw.
I thought I was dying alone.
Wait.
Who do I get to die with? - You can die with me too, Daddy.
- Thanks, honey.
Mwah.
I'm sorry, Jack, I was so busy talking about Duncan and I being race car drivers that I forgot to ask how your little girl's room was coming along.
Well, I'm hell on wheels too.
Pastel color wheels.
Pick one, Jing! What's speaking to you? Cherub's Nipple Pink or Bunnies' Blood Blue? What paint store do you shop at? Surprise me.
And take your time, Daddy.
We're having fun doing sister stuff.
Today I learned to throw shade, and we talked to Grandma on the Ouija board.
She's in pain.
[giggling.]
There are 500 shows on 600 streaming services and whatever Quibi was.
Why are you watching "Hector The Detector" for the fourth time? I find something new every time I watch it.
And I wanna give you a peak into my world.
Watch with me.
Let's see what's in the mailbox.
It's mail.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
Calm down.
Mail should be in the mailbox.
That's where it belongs.
It's fun to laugh.
How come you never laugh? Laughing gives you wrinkles.
I'd rather be hot than happy.
The laughing stops now.
Mmm.
Hee-hee.
Sorry, I just thought about Hector and the mail.
Ugh.
Good night.
Huh? [snoring.]
[groans.]
[groaning.]
[giggles.]
Mail.
[twangy upbeat music.]
Fake high.
Go low, Dunkie.
[grunting.]
- Yeah! - Whoo! And that's the Kansas City shuffle.
- I can't get ahead of him.
- Get me close.
♪♪ "Frogger" it, baby.
♪♪ Last lap.
We're never gonna win this.
[whistles.]
♪♪ - Uh, that don't seem fair.
- Yeah, is anyone gonna say anything? [cheers and applause.]
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
Ugh, ugh.
Ugh, if you ain't fast, you last.
Bow to your gods.
Your wives are mine now.
Thanks for teaching me that vulgar celebration dance, Mom.
[grunting.]
- Everyone loves a cocky winner.
- Duncan and Annie, that was an incredible montage of victories.
Just the right amount to qualify for the 24 Minutes of Oakdale.
Thank you, Jimmy Don.
And I just want to say as a mama I am so proud of my boy.
- Give it up for Team Mama's Boy.
- Team what? [cheers and applause.]
ALL: Mama's Boy.
Mama's Boy.
Mama's Boy.
Mama's Boy.
Mama's Boy.
Dunkie, we're a hit.
- ALL: Mama's Boy.
Mama's Boy.
- [groans.]
You awake? You awake? - Stop.
- Oh good, you're awake.
What are you doing up so early? You mean what are we doing up so early? We're having breakfast.
- Ugh.
- Hurry up and eat so I can finish your "Hector the Detector" tattoo.
[gasps.]
Finish? Augh.
Don't worry.
It's permanent.
Ahh! Ahh! It's fun screaming with you.
Ugh.
- When are you gonna be done with - Ohh, I can't decide what to build.
- It's too hard.
- I thought you were almost done.
This morning you had a color wheel.
I was going to do a princess castle, but then I worried that that would reinforce the idea that women need a man to be happy.
Then I thought Wonder Woman, but would that make her feel bad, because Jing can't do what Wonder Woman does.
She kills Nazis, and a five-year-old can't compete with that.
Then I thought space station, but I don't want her to live out of state.
I'm in over my head.
Maybe it's time to call a contractor.
First of all, women do need a man to be happy.
And we don't have time to call a contractor.
Give me your pen.
- This is what we're doing.
- I love it.
But I had this idea for vaulted ceilings and You're not in charge anymore.
Turn in your nail gun.
Thank you for your leadership.
♪♪ Mmm, I think you made Duncan's mom a little too sexy.
I don't think I made her sexy enough.
Here's my original design.
[all groan.]
- Dang, son, what's wrong with you? - That is anatomically impossible.
Yeah, her back would break.
Oh! That is the worst thing I've ever seen.
[full mouth.]
Trust me.
It's not.
[gulps.]
This is humiliating.
Isn't there a better name than Mama's Boy? You gotta embrace it, man, it's your moniker.
- Or as I called it, "money-ker.
" - Heh, clever.
Once the public knows you as something, you're branded.
Look, your hashtag's already trending.
Or as I call it, "spending.
" [chuckles.]
- I call everything something else.
- Ooh, Wolf.
I love it.
You really know how to paint a woman.
Mom, I've been thinking.
Maybe it's time we get out of racing.
You know, like, quit while we're solidly in the middle.
No way! I would never quit on you! I don't mind.
I I quit on you in bowling.
And that was the worst day of my life.
[music.]
I wanted to step in front of a speeding train, but now look at us.
We have a thing again.
Now let's go get our urine tested for drugs together.
For drugs.
Together.
Ba-donk.
Ba-damn.
♪♪ Your urine test says you're drug-free but peri-menopausal.
Oh, wait, that's mine.
[laughs.]
God, we laugh together, don't we, Dunkie? - I'm going to the car.
- Let's go together as a team.
- Ugh.
- Already racing, huh? - Hey, Mrs.
H.
- Oh, hi, Bex.
So how ya doin', huh? Jack? The kids? Uh, the the race is about to start, Bex.
Okay, uh, how do I put this lightly? Every moment Duncan sits in that car with you - is a humiliating nightmare.
- What? Where's that coming from? Also, what was the harsh version? Duncan hates being called "Mama's Boy.
" But the crowd loves it.
And if he had a problem with it, he would have told me.
Teenage boys love to share.
- Mrs.
H, may I turn your head? - Of course, always.
ALL: Rock-a-bye Dunkie on the blacktop ♪ Stop it.
You're making me sleepy.
Have I been so blinded by my desire for a connection with my son that I put my emotional needs ahead of what's best for him? - Yeah, I guess.
- Oh, Bex, I can always count on you to call me on my crap.
Let's finally have that lunch - we keep saying we're gonna do.
- I'd like that.
[engines revving.]
[applause.]
[groaning.]
Hurry up, get in.
The race is gonna start.
- Sorry, you're driving this one on your own.
- Are you sure? I know how much us being a team means to you.
Yeah, but I'm a mom.
And my job is to suffer so you can be happy.
Besides, we'll always be a team.
And when you're 40 and divorced, I'll watch your kids for you.
Good, 'cause there's gonna be ten of 'em.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Drivers, start your engines.
And I had Wolf make a few changes to the car.
- Damn straight I'm a Big Boy.
- Go get 'em, Dunkie.
[engines revving.]
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ahh! I want my mama! Aww, nuts.
There goes my lunch with Annie.
Ready, Jing? Ta-daaah ♪ ♪♪ - Ohh.
- You said you liked warrior princesses, so now you can sleep on Moana's boat under the stars at night.
And I built you a unicorn dresser, obvi.
And finding an outfit is a breeze with Hector the Detector.
Socks are for feet.
And I believe someone said rapping chipmunks.
[chipmunks chittering.]
- Awww, spit that nasty stuff! - Oh, my gosh.
You did everything I said.
- So do you love it? - No.
I wanna list it.
What's wrong with you? I would've killed for a room like this when I was your age.
But I had to bunk with Duncan, because Dad - needed a room for his scrapbooking.
- I thought I was into it.
Turns out, I was just high from the glue fumes.
I actually liked my old room, but I wanted to hang out with my cool big sister before she forgets all about me and only cares about boys who make her cry.
I had no idea you wanted to hang out.
I want your advice on fashion and boys, even though your love life is a disaster.
You're funny, and you smell good.
I want to be like you.
I knew I was perfect.
[camera shutter clicks.]
I can't wait to glue this in a scrapbook.
[inhales.]
Glue.
[engines revving.]
Ahhh! Something popped in my chest again.
Oh, Bex, I don't want to smother Dunkie, but his car is spinning wildly out of control.
And his engine's on fire.
I know nothing about being a parent, - but I think it's time to step in.
- Ahhhh! [loud thump.]
Ride or die, baby! [tires squealing.]
- Never give me my space again.
- That's all I wanted to hear.
- Now let's win this thing.
- Mama's Boy! [tires squealing.]
[twangy upbeat music.]
♪♪ And team Mama's Boy in a miracle comeback finishes sixth.
Yeah, it was crazy to think we could win.
I mean, we were so far behind when I jumped on the roof.
Oh, yeah, I was driving backwards for at least ten minutes.
Yeah, ugh, ugh, ugh.
Dance with me, Mom.
A good mother knows when it's time to let her son crotch chop alone.
Ugh, ugh.
Take that.
Take all of it.
That's my boy! [cheers and applause.]
Heads-up, do not order the cheesy-filled crust.
- Why not? - It is neither cheese nor crust.
But they're BOGO.
Come on, Mom.
It's our victory party.
Let's go get some sixth-place pies.
Go with your friends and celebrate, Duncan.
Thanks.
And let's go bowling again sometime.
- Also, I need your credit card.
- Already pinned it to your T-shirt.
[tires squealing.]
[music.]
Rrrr! Whoo-hoo! What a woman.
♪♪ Ow.
Huh? [static.]
Little sis to big sis.
Thank you.
Over.
This is big sis.
You're welcome.
Over.
What happened to Ryan and Daniel K? Over.
They're over.
Over.
Girl, that's not what I heard.
Over.
Guys, get off channel one.
It's for me and Mom.
Over.
Everyone off the channel and go to bed.
Over.
- I love you, sexy driver.
- I love you, construction man.
You can property my brother any time.
[smooching.]
DUNCAN: Oh, my God! Your walkies are still on!