Five Bedrooms (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

Previously on Five Bedrooms
Don't you want our baby to
grow up with its father?
Over four randoms?
Look who's just dropped in.
Xavier, this is
my son, Harpreet.
As much as I love the
idea of being able to say
I was successfully matchmade
by a pair of
60-something-year-olds
Oh, it's it's cool. I get it.
I I think I'd be
interested regardless.
You're going to love him.
If you'd asked me a year ago if I
wanted to cohabit with another man,
I would have laughed
you out of the room.
And I'm looking at you,
and I want to wake up with you.
BEN: There's a look I've
been getting my whole life.
And I get it pretty
often in the house.
I call it the "Ben,
you're a dickhead" look.
And in the early
stages of the reno,
I was getting it a fair bit.
I mean, it's not that I don't
appreciate it with my whole heart,
but, uh, could you
be any more specific
than "between two
and seven months"?
Look, there's nothing
to worry about.
I'm staring at a hard
biological nine-month deadline,
and I am gonna meet it.
She's second trimester, so it's
more like four or five months.
Five months?
Yeah. That's what I meant.
But once we got into it,
fair to say they all had
a bit of a turnaround.
Ains got so energised, she
hopped on the tools herself.
She's kicking. She's kicking.
Which, of course,
meant my mate Simmo
- Wait for it.
- ..was suddenly very available to lend a hand.
Oh, there! (LAUGHS)
I can't actually
feel anything, Ains.
Harry was in a bit of a love
bubble, so he wasn't home much.
Oi. Hazza?
What do you reckon?
I mean, I probably don't
have the most educated eye,
but, um it seems to
have gotten slightly less
shed-like?
Oh, cheers, mate.
Yeah, I know every second
you're here chatting to me
is a second you could
be in a pretty energetic
naked situation, so, uh.
(SNAPS FINGERS) I
appreciate that.
Are you planning on unveiling
your lover to us at any point?
Yeah, yeah, of
course. He's just, um
he's working at the bar
most nights this week.
But I'll text you. I will.
I'll I will. I'll text you.
For Lizzie, the renovation site
became a bit of a confessional.
I'm happy for him. It's not
like I'm not happy for him.
But I'm just surprised that
he's disappeared so completely.
- Yeah, you miss him.
- No, I Oh!
Ah! Jesus!
Don't you think it's a
bit weird that none of us
have met the boyfriend
and the mother has?
Well, it's OK if you miss him.
- It's actually quite beautiful.
- Mmm.
- Need any more help?
- No, no. No, I'm good. Thanks.
Then there was Heather.
You see, Heather
had never seen me
full-throttle working before.
Turns out she liked to watch.
(NAIL GUN FIRES)
And I liked that
she liked to watch.
Oh!
Ben?
Can I get you to come inside and
help me move something heavy?
(CHUCKLES) How heavy?
Pretty heavy.
Come here, girl.
(BOTH KISS)
Uh-uh!
Leave it on.
And maybe all that
appreciation went to my head.
(LAUGHS)
'Cause in the end, I
did get a bit cocky.
Chuck us the wrench, mate.
- (CRUNCH!)
- Arggh! Yarggh! Fuck! Arggh!
Benny! Talk to me. What
did you hit? Your shoulder?
- All on your shoulder?
- (GROANS)
And that's when it came back.
- Try not to move too much.
- The look.
Do you want a beer?
"Benny, you're a dickhead."
Oh. Sorry!
- Oh, thank God! Are you OK?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Do they know what
you've done? Or
We're just waiting for
the X-rays to come back.
BEN: It's just
it's my sublux.
I used to do it playing
footy all the time.
You know, day or
two, light duties,
couple of Panadol, good as gold.
It was my fault. It
was such a dodgy throw.
- It wasn't, mate!
- It had spin on it.
Who chucks a bloody wrench to a
man on a ladder with spin on it?
I'd take a step back and question
the idea of throwing tools at all.
WOMAN: Sorry about the wait.
- That's alright. (GROANS)
- Sorry.
OK, Ben.
It's all a bit of
a mess in there.
Unfortunately, looks like you're
gonna have to have surgery.
Probably a full reconstruction.
Right.
Alright. Well, obviously,
you'd rather not, but, uh.
Fridgey had his reco,
what, two, three years ago?
He's never been better.
That was on his knee, but.
Yeah, but a reco's
a reco, mate. Right?
No, not really.
Do you have private
health insurance?
Yep.
Pretty sure. I got
a card in my wallet.
- Just chuck us my wallet.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, what's that?
- That's your Medicare card.
Oh, right. Well, I know something definitely
comes out of my account every month.
I just, um
can't remember the name.
OK, well, if you have health
insurance and you're covered,
we can get you in straightaway
to see an orthopaedic surgeon.
I can recommend a
former boss of mine.
And if he's not?
Well then you go
on the waiting list.
How long's that?
Could be anywhere from
three months to a year.
Well, I'm definitely covered.
You know, they send me stuff
in the mail all the time.
I can see the bloody
logo. It's, um
Anyway, it's all at home.
I don't chuck anything out.
Good. OK. Well, I'll
write you the referral.
But you will need to
find those details
before you see the surgeon.
- OK?
- Sweet.
In the meantime, we'll
get you a brace and
Excuse me. ..uh, and
some pain relief.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.
OK. Oh.
- Do you need to cancel tonight?
- No.
I can manage if you do.
You can't do birth
classes on your own, Ains.
Well, I wouldn't be alone.
Lachlan really wants to come.
In fact, iscoming. I
said he could come.
OK, I knew your
face would do that,
and if you don't want to
be there, that's fine,
but Mel's banned him from
coming to her classes
and he really wants
to be involved.
Oh, I'm coming.
Now I'm coming even harder.
OK, but I expect you to
come in the spirit of peace,
because I can't handle
conflict right now, Heather.
Don't make me separate
the two of you.
Won't come from me.
I won't start it.
No, but you'll
finish it, Heather,
and that's what
I'm worried about.
Oh, here we go. Here we go.
What about
that one?
(INHALES SHARPLY) It's
from a gym in Wodonga.
Maybe cancel it, mate.
PFS Health Insurance!
- Mmm!
- (LAUGHS)
- Arggh! Jesus!
- Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.
- God!
- Here we go.
- And the winner is
- (GROANS)
Uh"Dear Mr Chigwell,"
yadda-yadda-ya.
"We are writing to
advise you that your"
"membership has expired."
It's dated 21 October 2013.
(SIGHS)
- Mate.
- Fuck.
Listen.
I've got insurance
on the business.
Could we just say my
business was doing your reno?
I'm not sure that'd hold water.
Or.
Could we just say it happened
on the Fordham Crescent job?
- Last week?
- Yeah, but I don't want you to be doing anything dodgy.
Nah, I've been paying
those premiums for years.
Plus, you remember when Bucket
snapped his fingers in the semifinal?
- Yeah.
- He just said he did it on site on the Monday. He was fine.
BEN: God love him, Simmo didn't have a
"Benny, you're a dickhead" face at all.
And we really could have used
one in the room that day.
Alright.
I don't want you lying for me.
Now, you did
Yeah, no, no, no.
You didn't see anything. You're
just going off what I said happened.
Mate, whatever. I just I can't
have you losing a year of your life
'cause some fool put
spin on a wrench chuck.
It's alright.
Wow! It's big.
HARRY: I didn't imagine your introduction
to the house would be like this.
- He's here, he's here.
- XAVIER: Like what?
Oh, my God! Javier!
Hello. (LAUGHS)
Did you invite him over?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Jeez!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Ho ho! The man
himself! At long last!
- Hello.
- Sweet. Javier!
Oh. It's, uh it's Xavier.
Oi. You mind if I
call you Javier?
Uh, please. No,
it's a lovely twist.
He's, uh, off his face on
oxy. It's just hit him.
Half his luck. Yeah, hey, I'm
so sorry about your shoulder.
Oi, listen, don't get spooked, but
we're all a bit obsessed with you.
I even joined Insta
so I can follow you.
And I only follow three people.
You, Michelle Obama, Nicky
Winmar. That's it. (LAUGHS)
- Well, that feels like an honour.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
This is Heather.
Ah, yes, the living legend.
- What?
- HARRY: And Ainsley.
- Oh!
- Oh! Hello.
I am gonna go out on a limb here
and say you are
the pregnant one.
(LAUGHS) A risk-taker! Electric!
So lovely to meet you!
And, uh and this is Liz.
- Hey.
- XAVIER: Liz.
- The real estate agent, yes?
- HARRY: Oh, no.
No, that's that's Ainsley.
This is Liz, the lawyer.
Oh, yeah, well, part-time
lawyer, part-time receptionist.
- Full-time sensation! (LAUGHS)
- (HARRY LAUGHS)
Liz is like the, uh
the Grace to my Will,
or the Will to my Grace, even.
I'm not sure which
one of us is which.
Uh, I'm I'm sure I
mentioned her several times.
Yeah. Oh, look, look.
I I smoked a lot
of pot in my 20s,
so I have a memory like a sieve.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
OK. Liz, lawyer.
Ben, I've been, um, speaking
with my friends in orthopaedics.
They all say your surgeon
is one of the best.
Also one of the most expensive.
Yeah, well, that's
not a problem, because
I'm covered.
And I think
Heather doubted me for a
sec, but all's forgiven now,
and, uh, yeah, I'm
booked in for next week.
Oh, good.
BEN: Yep. I thought I had
it all sewn up nicely.
Aside from the light
insurance fraud.
Everything felt pretty airtight.
Oi.
That is some good-lookin' facial
hair you've got there, mate.
- Thank you.
- (LAUGHS) Is that natural?
- Uh, yeah.
- Or you have to work for it?
Little bit of work.
No-nothing too much Oh!
You right there,
mate? You Timber!
There we are. Oop! Now
we're going the other way.
OTHERS: Whoa!
Lovely to see you,
Heather. How are you?
I'm very well, Lachlan. Thank
you for asking. Yourself?
Couldn't be better.
Nice pants.
Thank you.
Buy them specially?
- I did.
- Gonna wear them to the birth?
Actually, I was thinking more
skin-to-skin for the birth.
- You realise I'll be in the room?
- I do.
Alright! Should we hit the road?
Uh, actually, I'm quite keen
to get a look at the
nursery, if I could,
just to see how
it's coming along.
Ben!
BEN: Yeah, probably seems
like there's a ton of work,
but that's a bum steer,
'cause it's really just the
phrip phiperals.
Phiper What am
I trying to say?
- Uh, peripherals, yeah.
- Yeah.
It's mostly the peripherals.
Are you OK?
Feeling pretty good,
yeah. Thanks for asking.
He's on pretty strong
pain medication.
He has to have a
shoulder reconstruction.
Isn't a reconstruction
isn't that months of healing?
Please don't stress about it.
Well, I'm sorry, Ains, but
this is my baby's nursery.
I'm genetically hard-wired
to stress about it.
What's your worry in particular?
- Uh
- Is it the waterproofing or the double glazing?
Uh, my concern is
that my daughter
is already very responsive
to her environment,
and there's very little time and
clearly a huge amount of work
for one part-time labourer.
I'll get it done.
I'll go round the
clock if I have to.
Well, I don't think
anyone's in a position
to afford an
around-the-clock labourer.
Nah.
No charge.
Simmo.
It's it's too much. (LAUGHS)
Just what you do.
(ALL EXHALE SLOWLY)
Good. And coming up one arm.
Breathe in. Two, three, four.
And down. Two, three, four.
Look, I'm not questioning
his motives
- Well, you are.
- ..but he clearly has feelings for you.
- He doesn't!
- So what if he does?
- Heather!
- And breathing in. Two, three.
Hold it if you can.
So what if he's motorboating
her morning, noon and night?
How does that concern you?
Well, Heather, that general area has
to sustain my child's life, so
You have no claim to
those breasts, Lachlan.
No talking now. Just exhaling.
Two, three, four.
Look, in the interests of full
disclosure, there was a time
when Simmo did
express some interest.
- I knew it!
- That was a long time ago!
He's clearly got an agenda.
He's overestimating
what he can achieve,
and frankly, in renovation
terms, that is a health hazard!
OK, you're benched. Red
card. I'm subbing in. Go.
Inhaling, gently.
- Benny!
- (DOG BARKS)
Oi! Benny, where are ya?
- Benny!
- BEN: What?
- What's up, mate? You alright?
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- What are you doing?
- Come on.
- Where are we going?
- Quick!
(STOPS ENGINE)
- Simmo?
- (SIGHS)
Talk to me, mate.
Listen, I don't want
to worry ya, but
I just had a visit from an
insurance lady at the site.
- Yep?
- (SIGHS)
Uh.
She asked me to take her round
show her where
you had your fall,
or where we said
you had your fall.
She asked me heaps of questions.
What kind of questions?
Well, she wanted to know why
you didn't go to the hospital
till four days after the
date we put on the form.
Oh (SQUEAKS)
What did you say?
Mate, I'm so sorry.
You know how I kind
of have a panic
if I have to do a breathalyser
or a licence check,
even if I'm fine?
(SIGHS) I was like that.
Um
It's it's it's
alright. We just
say we didn't think it
was that bad at first.
Mate, I'm so sorry.
At one point, she asked
me if I needed to sit down
and take a couple
of deep breaths.
Mmm.
(SIGHS)
It was actually really helpful.
- Was it?
- Yeah.
Oh. Hi. I'm Sharon
Prateki. I'm from VicCover.
Just looking for,
um, Ben Chigwell.
Oh, look, I'm sorry. He's
not here at the moment.
Uh can I help? I'm
Heather. I live with him.
Oh. Are you his,
um, partner or?
- Yeah. Yes, I am.
- OK.
Well, we just need to chat through
the details of Ben's accident.
Assess the hospital
record, X-rays, etc, etc.
- Right.
- All very standard.
Um, if you could
get him to call me.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Um, there isn't any question
of his injury, is there?
'Cause, uh, as a
practising nurse,
I can assure you, he
sustained a serious injury.
I saw the whole thing.
Oh, you were present at
the time of the accident?
Yeah, yeah, um we're
renovating the shed.
He was a good, I don't know, nine
feet up a ladder when he fell.
Jesus. I mean, the sound
of that shoulder snapping.
If it was on TV, they would have
put up a warning first. (LAUGHS)
Oh, hang on. Here he is. Ben.
- Uh, Sharon, isn't it?
- Mmm.
Ben, this is Sharon. She's
from the insurance people.
Mr Chigwell, your
partner tells me
that the accident occurred here?
On these premises?
What?
Oh, that's
No, it's not. It's, uh
I might have buggered
some of the forms.
I'm sorry, I'm not great
with, um paperwork,
or dates or addresses, and
it was hard to tell when,
or where
the accident actually happened.
It's a simple question, Ben.
Did the accident occur
on these premises?
Yep. Yeah, it did.
OK.
Well, your claim
suggested otherwise,
so this is now a much
more complicated process.
What does that mean?
I'm gonna have to refer your
case to our legal department.
We take all fraudulent
claims very seriously,
and there are
significant penalties.
Someone will be in touch.
And, Ben, you have definitely
committed a criminal act.
(SIGHS)
On the upside, you
haven't yet had surgery
or received any compensation,
so you won't be facing some
of the more severe charges,
but you can still be
charged under the.
Workplace Injury Rehabilitations
and Compensations Act,
in the fraud section.
Worst-case scenario?
- Up to two years' jail.
- (SIGHS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
I'd better call Joe.
Sorry? Who's Joe?
Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry.
It's, um he's my brother.
He's a big-shot lawyer.
You've got a big-shot lawyer
standing right in front of you.
Ben, the first call that you
need to make is to the insurer.
You need to withdraw that claim.
And then I think you should go
in and make a full confession
as soon as possible
before charges are laid.
It's just, when I had my
legal stuff last time,
I didn't tell Joe and
he was pretty angry,
and he always said, anything
ever happened again,
I had to call him
straight off the bat.
Ben, forget your brother
and do what the sensible,
intelligent woman
is telling you to do!
(DOOR CLOSES)
BEN: Of course,
I couldn't sleep,
so, about 3am, I went the
late-night email to my brother.
(SIGHS)
"Bit of a problem, mate.
Could be up on charges again."
"I don't know yet.
It seems likely."
"And you always said
you wanted the heads-up"
"if anything like
that happened, so"
"maybe give us a call?"
(SIGHS)
"You know, it'd be
great to catch up."
(SIGHS)
(HOLD MUSIC PLAYS)
(LAUGHS)
I'm sorry about the wait. He's
just he's a busy fella.
How long since you've seen him?
Probably Mia's birthday.
She'd have been 10, maybe 11.
- (HOLD MUSIC ENDS)
- Arse hat! How are ya?
WOMAN: Ben, it's Bethany
Marks for Mr Chigwell.
Are you happy to hold
for another few minutes?
No worries. Thank you, Bethany.
(HOLD MUSIC PLAYS)
(GROANS)
- 'Arse hat'?
- Yeah. It suits him.
Where exactly is he?
I'm not sure. I mean, he he
pretty much lives in hotels.
Done a bit better than me
on the financial front.
Yeah, I'm getting that sense.
(CHUCKLES)
- (HOLD MUSIC ENDS)
- MAN: You fuckin' knob-end!
(LAUGHS) Good to hear your
voice, mate. How are you?
Yeah, a little bit of insurance fraud
this time, eh, you bloody idiot?
Uh, hey, Joey, just
just so you know,
I've got my, um
legal eagle here
with me - Lizzie.
Uh, hello, Joseph. It's nice to
meet you, albeit over the phone.
Um s-sorry.
What was your name?
Oh, it's Liz.
Liz Wendell.
Right. And you're
representing my brother?
Well, no, um, I've not
been formally engaged, no,
but I I have been
advising Ben to this point.
Yeah. She's my housemate, mate.
And she also happens
to be a a legal gun.
Um OK, sorry.
Um, Lisa, who are
you with? Which firm?
I'm I'm not, um,
with a firm presently.
Uh, my background is family law.
But I have been liaising with
several insurance fraud specialists,
who unanimously suggest
the same strategy.
Right. And, uh
what is that strategy?
Well, that Ben go
immediately to the insurer
and make a full and
frank confession.
- Hello?
- Ben?
I told you to contact
me straightaway.
I couldn't have
been any clearer.
Yeah, well, I I came to
you pretty much straightaway.
Uh, Lisa, would Ben
be allowed to have
a lawyer present while making
this, um confession?
Well
well, no, the the insurer
hasn't agreed to that,
so he'd be going on his own,
but I'd be working closely
with him to craft a statement.
Yeah. Um OK, Lisa, that's
that's not gonna work.
- It it's locked in, mate.
- Sorry?
Sorry, what what what
do you mean, locked in?
Well, I've managed to secure
a time on Thursday at 3pm.
OK, um
yeah, you're you're
gonna need to cancel that.
Um OK, here's
what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna start calling around.
You need an experienced
criminal lawyer, Benno.
I'm gonna jump on a plane.
By the time I land,
I'll have it all sorted.
And in the meantime, Ben
do not fucking sign anything!
OK, it's it's
Liz, by the way.
As in Elizabeth. It's not Lisa.
Yeah, he's he's
not big on goodbyes.
OK, I'm sorry, Ben, I know
that he's he's your brother,
but he is an absolute prick.
Yeah, a good lawyer would have
checked the call had ended.
(JOSEPH HANGS UP)
BEN: I don't know if it was out
of the goodness of her heart
or just a determination
to smash my brother
No.
But Lizzie went on
an absolute mission
to prove her idea would work.
No.
OK, Ben, don't ramble, just keep
it really simple - to three things.
One, you panicked.
Two, you were on a lot of drugs.
Three, you are deeply ashamed.
Righto.
OK, "I'm here today
because I was incorrect"
"about the date and
location of my accident."
Good.
Uh, "I was in a lot of
pain, so I was panicking."
"I was on drugs, and"
Do you think I should specify
prescription drugs with my record?
- No.
- "My partner's a nurse. There's no mucking around"
No, no. You're rambling,
Ben. Three words.
Panic, drugs, shame.
Panic, drugs, shame. Again.
She got the whole house
writing references.
LIZ: OK, just make it clear
that Ben's building the
nursery voluntarily,
so you'd be homeless
without him.
- He's a saviour, a Messiah.
- OK.
- You alright?
- Do I look alright?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm not sure how much
of the anger I'm feeling
belongs to Ben for
this current fuck-up
and how much of
it really is about
the last three
decades of my life.
I don't even know how you're
writing the reference.
I'm actually just
cut-and-pasting
the one I wrote for
Timmy's DUI, so
She even got Hazza to
make a return appearance.
It's good.
Could you just stress how
much medication he was on?
Uh, OK.
And obviously, how that may
have impaired his judgement.
OK.
Hey. Are are we OK?
Did I fuck up your first
meet cute with Xavier?
Because you
seem kind of angry.
- I'm not angry.
- You are bristling with anger.
No, I'm I'm bristling
with adrenaline.
I'm I'm trying to help
Ben avoid going to jail.
And it has nothing
to do with Xavier?
Harry, I'm really happy for
you. I just wasn't prepared for
how much I'd miss you,
and I feel shitty,
and I hate myself for that,
but I'm I'm in lawyer mode.
I can't make that emotional
gear change right now.
- I need to stay focused.
- (SIGHS) OK.
Is there anything
I can do to help?
No. Just write a decent
reference for Ben.
I did! You just
said it was good.
I lied.
- What's happening?
- I didn't wake you, did I?
No, nothing wakes me
anymore except my bladder.
(LAUGHS) Look. I
hope this is OK.
But I thought if I set up here,
I could knock off all the travel
time to and from the old girl's.
- Simmo.
- Yeah.
Uh, I just hope you're
not doing any of this
because you and
I have had, uh
(SIGHS)
History.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Ains.
I'm not gonna pretend
I'm not keen on you,
but I'm not doin' any
of this to have a crack.
My mum was a single mum.
So
Oh, yep.
Yeah. No, it's five minutes,
mate. There's no expectations.
Yeah, I can do any
time in the next, um
six to eight hours, probably.
Um
- You right?
- Yeah.
Look, I'd appreciate that,
but if we haven't heard
by the, uh, close of business,
then we'll call Ericsson.
- OK, bye.
- Yeah? Yeah?
Um, Bethany, uh, no
more calls, please.
(SIGHS)
- Cock muppet.
- Shit stick.
Your head's still too big.
Got another new chin.
Did you declare that?
(LAUGHS)
Lucky you got your little
broken wing there, mate.
- I could still take ya.
- Yeah?
You must be Elizabeth.
- Uh, Heather.
- Heather, mate.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Heather.
- Yeah!
- Yeah. Oh, God. Benno's told me a lot about you.
Oh, good. Yep.
- Uh, do you want to come in?
- Yeah, come in, mate.
- Yeah.
- Nice place.
Yeah.
Oh, you cheap bastard!
- Jesus, Ben!
- Fucking idiot!
- What? You started it.
- Jesus!
- I'm so sorry.
- It's alright. It's OK.
- It's alright. I've got it.
- Well, he started out the back.
- Joe, come
- JOSEPH: Sorry.
Sorry, mate. Um, Joe,
this is Harry and Ains.
- Welcome!
- Great to meet you.
- Sorry, Anne?
- Oh, Ainsley.
LIZ: Ains-ley.
Yeah, and this is, uh,
Lizzie, from the
Elizabeth Wendell. Hello.
Hello.
Uh, Joseph, I think we may
have got off on the wrong foot.
Uh, I'd like to apologise
for my language on that call.
OK. Well, um, I've got
some good news, actually.
Uh, I've managed to secure
the services of Robert Ishak.
BEN: Who's Robert Ishak?
- JOSEPH: Oh, he's the best
- He's the best.
LIZ AND JOSEPH: Criminal
lawyer in Melbourne.
Well, actually, in
the whole country.
And he's agreed to meet
with us today at 4:30.
Unfortunately, that
that won't be possible.
Ben will be in a meeting
with the insurer.
What?
- Yeah, it's this arvo.
- It's at 3pm.
Right. Sorry, I thought we agreed
there wasn't gonna be a confession.
Would anyone like a cup of tea?
- No, thanks.
- I'm fine.
Yeah. I might. (LAUGHS)
Um Benno, can we can
we have a little private
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah? Yep?
Just one second.
(DOOR CLOSES) - What's
happened? Was that for real?
Mate, why the hell would
you voluntarily go on record
when there's still a chance
Joe, just look, can you just
shut up for two seconds and
I don't know, tell
me how youare?
- How how I am?
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Um
well, I'm on the wrong
side of the world, Benno,
terrified my brother's
gonna go down for fraud,
and, mate, I can't keep
jumping on a plane every
You know what? I didn't
ask you to jump on a plane.
Yeah, but you knew the
second you sent that email
that I was gonna turn up.
- (SIGHS) Yep.
- (JOSEPH SIGHS)
Listen, mate, I've got
nothing against Liz.
I'm sure she's a really
great flatmate
I'm not doing this
'cause Lizzie told me to.
I want to do it because to me, it
feels like the right thing to do.
Yeah, but this is not
about feelings, mate.
It's about facts. And the fact
is, you could end up in jail!
Is that the right thing?
- For your daughter?
- Oh, mate.
To have her dad in jail
for the second time?
Nah.
Joe, it means a lot
that you came, alright?
But it'd probably
mean a whole lot more
if you just let me help myself.
Mate, the last time you
tried to help yourself
- HARRY: He is attractive.
- AINSLEY: Just how rich is he?
We're talking
millions, aren't we?
Yeah, probably. Do
you know what he does?
He invests in office blocks.
Right, so he buys office
blocks, ups the rent. That's it.
- You've already googled him?
- Just lightly.
What? Lose the face.
I Google everyone.
I like you in this
mode. (LAUGHS)
BEN: Righto.
We had a bit of
a back-and-forth.
Looks like we're all on
the confession train, so
I genuinely think that
that's the best option.
And I genuinely think it's a
disaster waiting to happen,
but, hey, the
money's on you, Liz.
Yeah. I don't know. The whole
drug defence is questionable.
- Why?
- Is it?
Yeah, well, it just
begs the question,
why didn't you come forward as
soon as they began to dissipate?
Well, we've anticipated that
and we've practised for
it, haven't we, Ben?
Huh? Yeah. Yep.
And the the
short answer is that
they didn't - I'm
still on drugs.
- Mate, you can't say that!
- That's not what we rehearsed.
- You can't Oh.
- Jesus Christ!
Well, what do
youthink I should say?
Listen, mate. It's not too
late to cancel this, alright?
You can still go and see Robert.
- No, I can't.
- But just don't ramble.
And if you can't remember all three,
just stick to shame. You're so ashamed.
We can be at his office
in about half an hour.
Shame!
Panicked.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Shit.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
I'm Karen Staffieri. I believe
you know my colleague Sharon.
Sharon and Karen?
(LAUGHS) Jeez, you must have a bit
of fun with that around the office.
Not really.
But if you added in
a Darren, you'd
Also present, Pip Cole, who'll
be taking an audio recording
and notes for our reference.
I'll try not to speak too quick.
That's not necessary.
Meeting between VicCover
and Mr Benjamin Chigwell
in regards to claim AZF-34-C318.
I believe you've got
character references?
Yep. Uh there we go. (SIGHS)
And you've prepared a statement?
I have, Your Honour, yep.
I'm not a judge, Mr Chigwell.
Oh, sorry. Force of habit.
Fuck.
In your own time.
Um uh
(SIGHS)
(AMPLIFIED) OK. I'm
here today because
You don't have to
be so close to it.
- Sorry.
- (FEEDBACK)
(SIGHS)
I'm here because in my claim,
I was incorrect about the
date and location of, uh
Sorry.
I'm here because, um
uh, I lied.
I mean, I'm here today
because I lied.
(MACHINE BEEPS)
JOSEPH: Yeah, well, my
flight's at nine, so I can do
any time between
now and about seven.
OK. OK.
Yeah, OK, great. I'll
I'll wait to hear from you.
OK, yep. OK. Thanks, Bethany.
Liz, uh slight chance
I might need to step
away, uh, quite quickly,
so can can I
get your details?
To pass them on
to Bethany, my EA.
You know, so I can get updates.
S-sorry, what do you
need to step away to?
You've just got on a plane
on incredibly short notice
because your brother's
facing potential jail time.
And what could be more
important than that?
Well, it's it's
kind of related.
Why why do you make your
EA get people on the phone
10 minutes before you're
even ready to speak to them?
- I mean, what's that about?
- Well, that
that actually saves me
about 45 minutes a day.
Do you know how many people
I would cop that level
of self-importance from?
Four. The Prime Minister, the
Pope, the Queen and Beyonce.
- That's it.
- Really?
Mmm.
So that's a no, then, to
passing on your details?
And and this is no excuse,
but I was on a lot
of drugs at the time.
I I mean, not enough
to touch the pain, but
enough to do a
number on my head.
And
I just wasn't thinking right.
Oh, and I am so ashamed.
Nonetheless, Mr Chigwell,
you maintained the claim
for a significant
amount of time.
I'm ashamed of that too.
So are you saying that you
"weren't thinking right"
for that entire period?
Well, to be honest, I'm
still a bit zoned out now.
You know, just prescription
stuff, just Nothing suss.
Look, I and I know I'm
not supposed to say this, but
uh, I was em-embarrassed.
I was trying to be a hero, I
was trying to impress a lady,
and (LAUGHS)
You know, just to add a bit
of icing to the dickhead cake,
I'm already in a
relationship with her.
It's just Heather.
You've met her, Sharon. Karen,
you'd love her. She's a cracker.
She's kind and
clever and
I've never loved
anyone like her.
And usually if I get close
to something this good,
I stuff it up, but she's, um
she's still puttin' up with me.
And she's got a couple
of boys in their 20s
and a ex-hubby,
he's a lovely fella.
He's, um Yeah,
anyway, the point is
she's been let down by too
many men in her life, and
the thought of being
another one (SIGHS)
Just
well, bugger that.
(SIGHS)
So. (SIGHS)
Heather.
Yes?
Well, she she's a
bit of a departure
from Ben's usual, uh
lady friends.
In what sense?
Well, um
I didn't expect
her to be so, um
- Much older than Ben?
- No. No
Yet if a 50-year-old man was
dating a 37-year-old woman,
would anyone talk
about the age gap then?
Liz, you have just totally
jumped to a conclusion there.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What aspect of Heather
were you referring to?
Her curly hair.
Right.
So Ben has a history
of dating exclusively
straight-haired women?
Yep. I mean, sometimes,
um, it's a bit wavy.
But, um I mean, no
out-and-out curls like Heather.
(LAUGHS) I mean well,
not to my knowledge.
(SIGHS)
You know, you're not at
all what I was imagining.
Well, you're exactly
what I was imagining.
Really?
Actually
no. No, I was
expecting an older
version of Ben.
Huh.
You know, we were pretty much
identical when we were kids.
He was my best mate. (LAUGHS)
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, shit!
Sorry. (SIGHS)
Oh! I have to get this. Sorry.
Uh, Bethany?
Yeah.
OK, great. Yeah. I-I'm
travelling now. OK. Bye.
Um, sorry. I have to I
have to go. (LAUGHS) Sorry.
Oh, um uh
I'll get Bethany to organise
a car for you and Ben.
(SIGHS)
Un-fucking-believable.
How did you go?
Uh
I don't know - I was
pretty loose in there.
Where's Joe?
Oh, oh, he had urgent business.
He took off like a scalded cat.
He's gonna get his EA to
organise us a lift home.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
BETHANY: Ms Wendell,
it's Bethany here.
Just wanting to organise cars
for both yourself
and Mr Chigwell.
Terrific, Bethany. Just
one will be sufficient.
Actually, is Mr Chigwell there?
I understand he may be with you.
Am I under surveillance?
Not that I'm aware of.
- It's for you.
- Hey?
- Hey. This is Ben.
- Ben!
Are you available to meet right
now with surgeon Eunice Tran
at her consulting
rooms in Richmond?
Uh well, no, not really.
If it's about the
money, rest assured,
all associated costs
with the appointment
and any resultant surgery
have been met in
full by your brother.
- What?!
- That's right.
Uh, well, is he there?
Can can I speak to him?
I'm afraid he's on
a conference call.
Can I send a driver to
pick you up right now?
Yeah. Yeah. OK. No
worries. Thanks.
He's paid for my surgery.
Shut the gate!
I no, I would like to
withdraw my previous comments
in their entirety
without qualification.
- I can't let him pay for it!
- Oh!
Yes yeah, you
can. You you will!
- It could be 30, 40 grand.
- No, it's probably more.
But but if he wants
to he wants to do it,
then he can do it, so
you just let him do it.
HARRY: Oh, she's here.
OK. I have red, white, vodka and
miscellaneous processed food.
- Tell me everything.
- OK, some headlines.
He negged me all day. He
was astoundingly rude.
And then just
ridiculously generous.
Oh, and, uh, just
one more thing.
Harry told me the whole story.
And I've just spent
the past two hours
googling this Joseph Chigwell.
So far, I've found lots of
university pics from the late '90s,
video footage of a
keynote address he gave
at a conference in Dubai,
and photos of at least
two previous partners.
Show me fucking everything.
- Where do you want me to start?
- I want complete humiliation.
I want bad haircuts, dubious social
comments, weight fluctuations.
OK.
Too fast. Go
go back. Go back.
Go back.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
- OK.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
No, stop, stop.
(GASPS) It's Ben.
He's not going to jail! Oh, God!
Uh, he's he's got
a a $2,000 fine
and mandatory probity
training, but no charge!
- (SCREAMS) Yes!
- OK.
- Hey, Lizzie! (LAUGHS)
- (LIZ SQUEALS)
- Oh, God! Oh, sorry.
- No, no, no. It's alright.
It's alright. I've just gotta
Actually, do you want to, um
do you want to do the honours?
I haven't told Joe yet.
Oh oh, no, no. I couldn't
I couldn't impinge on Yes.
Well, just take it easy
on him. Yeah, yeah, it's.
(RINGING TONE) Yes. Yep.
BETHANY: You've reached Joseph
Chigwell's phone. Bethany speaking.
Hello, Bethany. It's
Elizabeth Wendell speaking.
I was wondering if Joseph
might be available.
Unfortunately, Mr Chigwell
just cleared customs.
Can I take a message?
Um, the message is that
his brother has indeed
avoided all charges.
Oh! Lovely. Well,
I'll be sure to
The chosen strategy was
entirely successful.
OK.
Just best possible outcome.
Uh, 2,000 bucks is
pretty steep in my book.
Six words, really.
"Ben got off. Liz was right."
Thank you so much, Bethany. I hope
you have a nourishing weekend.
- Ah! (LAUGHS)
- Ah!
Shove that up your arse, you
you "I get people on the
phone 10 minutes early."
"I'm sorry, Lisa. What
firm are you with?"
I amthe fucking
firm, bitch! Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Did I hang up the phone?
I did end the call! Whoo!
- Whoo!
- BEN: Go, Lizzie!
- You did it.
- We did it.
- She did it.
- Youdid it.
(ALL LAUGH)
Next time on Five Bedrooms
HARRY: It's Diwali tomorrow, and
in a bit of a historic first,
Mum has invited you all to
her house for the festivities.
And also
And you've, uh
you've told Akshay
Mama about Xavier?
You've told him
he's my boyfriend?
No, no, Harpreet. Everyone
will be there just as friends.
Is Xavier OK with this?
Oh, well, I haven't invited
him yet. But he'll be fine.
Will Manju ever tell the family?
I want to tell Akshay Mama.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Harpreet!
- I just wanted to see you because I have some news.