Franklin and Bash (2011) s02e03 Episode Script
Jango and Rossi
Whoo! Oh, man.
That is the way to start a Monday, huh? Yeah! Yeah, they don't make 'em like this anymore.
Actually, they're brand-new.
Yeah, they are.
How much? Well, because stanton infeld recommended you $15,000.
Whoa.
Whoo! H-h-how much for one? Each.
$15,000 each.
How much for it with a aaa discount card? Really? Give us a second.
come on.
We got equity partner bonus money.
It's burning a hole in my pocket.
And if we don't spend it, it's gonna burn our junk.
Let's do it.
Come on.
Yeah.
All right.
We'll take 'em.
We'll take 'em.
We'll take 'em.
If you could tow back the prius, that would be great.
We have to do the paperwork.
Okay.
We can do the -- I forgot.
Pindy.
The cheese guy.
Hey! What about the bikes? Uh, do you guys deliver? Not if you don't sign the papers.
We'll come back for them.
Just hold on to them.
Hang onto them.
Yeah.
Hanna! Evanthia.
What a pleasure.
Who do we have here? This is lulu.
What a lovely dress.
I saw one just like that at cabazon.
I doubt it.
I don't shop outlets.
Are you looking for your ex-husband -- No, I'm looking for you.
It's my understanding That you're handling my custody case.
Custody case? Yes.
Some bitch is trying to take lulu away from me.
And you want to stop them? Evanthia, darling.
Stanton.
How's my favorite You want me to clear the room? Hello, damien.
Aunt evanthia.
Damien and hanna are going to handle your case.
Oh.
I know.
I'm excited, too.
Well, we're off to the grill, but first, I've got something I want to show you In my office.
Awesome.
I got it here somewhere.
I found it on my car windshield a couple of years ago.
It's a franklin and bash Well, sorry, but, uh, we -- we can't honor that.
It says good for three years.
We're here now.
I need the discount.
In fact, I'm gonna need all the help I can get To pay for legal fees.
Here, can I trade you a tillamook? I'll tell you what, If we decide to take your case -- And I'm not saying we are -- You don't pay us at all, Most specifically not in backpack cheese.
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
I robbed a pizza place.
And I-I did it because I'm taking care of my dad, Who has emphysema, And I lost my job and -- and we were short on rent.
Tell them about the gun.
I carved a gun out of hard cheese And -- and then I coated it in a dark-colored rind.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
And guess what.
Uh, you got rid of it by eating it? You guys are really smart.
Wow.
It was a good size.
It wasn't like a Saturday night special.
It -- it was like a .
45.
The gun was that? It was a hard cheese.
It was a valgrana.
Try it sometime with a cold apple sliver.
Sidebar? Excuse us.
Do you have any goat cheeses in there? No, I don't -- I don't work in goat cheeses.
What? It's not like we'd be kicking him to the curb, right? Pindy can handle this.
He can't take an escalator alone.
He's not ready to take off the water wings.
Hey.
You guys got to take infeld's ex-wife.
We don't got to do anything.
Then I need you to do me a favor.
Right.
Because you're always helping us out? I have a problem.
Yeah.
It's one of those deep family secrets.
I may have hit on my aunt.
yes.
Well, it happened to me thanksgiving of 1999, After trivial pursuit and six gin fizzes.
We're not blood related.
Because that would make it weird.
Hanna will help you.
Come on.
You take our case, we'll take yours.
Simple felony, you can plead it out.
And pindy will be your second chair.
Sweet.
You -- whoa, he just took that way too fast.
Which wife you think it is? Could be any of them -- bitchy, drunky, stabby Well Oh, no.
Really? Evanthia.
I wish you'd told me.
I think we just got hosed.
d ooh, what a mixture d d such a vivid picture d d ooh, what a mixture d d if I must say so myself d How many times was infeld married? Five times.
Wow.
Really? No wonder he's got to keep working.
Evanthia's fragile.
Hanna says after infeld broke her heart, His ex went a little nutty.
And infeld's normal? Okay.
Favorite villainesses you'd like to -- Vilfs.
I got it.
Uh, famke janssen in "goldeneye.
" Crushes a dude with her thighs.
Yeah.
You? Cruella de vil, "101 dalmatians.
" Really? Absolutely.
She's fashionable, determined.
Yeah, but she's a smoker.
Yeah, but I don't think she'll get cancer.
It's animation.
About four months ago, I found her wandering on barrington avenue.
Filthy, starving, no tags.
Clearly she had been on the streets for weeks, So I put her in my car and brought her home.
Can I get you anything to drink? No, thanks.
No.
Sorry.
Did you try to find lulu's owner? Of course.
I put up signs in the neighborhood, But no one claimed her.
I knew they wouldn't, Because she'd been missing for a while.
So, where are hanna and damien? Oh, well, hanna claims that her nephew is graduating.
And karp is In rehab.
Poor guy.
Oh.
Well, looks like I traded up.
You know, I could go for a gin fizz.
So, is this where you and stanton lived? Lived, fought So, you are the second wife? And fourth.
So nice we did it twice.
So did you think about maybe putting the dog In an animal shelter? Lulu suffered enough.
I wasn't about to dump her off again at the pound.
And I've rescued animals before and found them good homes.
Anyway, two months later, This crazy woman comes up to me in gelson's Claiming the dog is hers.
Did she have any proof that that was her dog? Just these.
That's the woman who stole lulu.
She's gonna need more than this to prove ownership.
Thank you.
Hey.
Look who it is.
Ted rossi.
Haven't seen you in the water in a while.
Hey, yeah.
I took up jiujitsu.
It's great for the core.
Check it out.
Try it.
Wow, that's Believe you know my partner in defending crime, eric jango? Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
How are you? Hey.
We haven't met.
I don't need to touch your stomach.
No, you shouldn't.
I'm actually quite a fan of your work, though.
Thanks.
And you must be mrs.
Dutton.
Ms.
Dutton.
There is no mr.
Dutton.
Day's not over.
It's a little creepy.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you inside.
It's nice to meet you both.
See you inside.
Uh, counsel Your client stole the dog.
It's actually really plain and simple.
Last chance to settle.
He's adorable, little jango fett.
Put you in my pocket.
It's weird seeing you guys representing zsa zsa.
Isn't it? A little bit.
I mean, after years of looking after all the little guys.
Now Now what? Now you're on their side.
See you in court.
Ha ha.
They're rodeo clowns.
Oh, yeah.
This isn't even gonna be fair.
I know.
I know.
What are you doing? I'm moving up my basketball game from Friday to Wednesday.
This will be over by then.
I still can't believe you play basketball.
I can't believe you get facials.
You get picked last a lot? It doesn't matter when you get picked, okay? It's defense.
Ladies and gentlemen, This is a simple case of stolen property.
Evanthia steele took a dog that did not belong to her.
And by the way, the dog's real name -- maxine.
Kerry dutton Searched her santa monica neighborhood tirelessly For maxine.
Her property, hmm? Her stolen property.
Now we're gonna prove to you That max was lured to a fancy part of town With a promise of a better life, Given a new foofy haircut, pampered lifestyle, Leaving behind not only those most loyal to her, But also her own true identity.
Now, I understand we all lose our way from time to time, Forget where we come from and what's most important.
But to those that loved us, we owe it to them to come home.
Pushing the basketball game back to Friday? Yep.
Huh! Hey, I'm sorry, sir, But I-I lost my job after I broke my arm.
And my father is ill.
All right, all right.
Whatever, just don't shoot.
May I? I'm really starving.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Try the pepperoni.
Nah, I'm a mozzarella man.
Ooh, it's good.
Good, good.
Take this and go, huh? Thank you.
Now, you have a nice day.
And again, I'm so very sorry for this, okay? Okay, great.
Great.
Ah.
Deep dish.
I love it.
Ugh.
Ugh.
That is very hard for me to watch.
I'm not that mad man, I swear.
Why did you pick a pizza joint to rob? Well, I always heard pizza joints Had lots of cash around.
Really? Yeah.
Oh.
Well, since the gun was, um, a dairy product, We can probably get the weapons charge dismissed.
Plus, it's your first offense.
Best case, we get robbery Reduced to misdemeanor assault.
You get three years' probation and no jail time.
Wow.
You guys are amazing.
Yeah, we are dynamic, aren't we? We're like a dynamic duo.
We're not a duo of any kind.
Oh, you can't deny that there are two of us.
Watch me.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
You want anything? No.
I'llGetBlack.
So you didn't take lulu to the pound? I think lulu was dumped by her owner In a nice, safe neighborhood Hoping someone would pick her up.
She's lucky the coyotes didn't get her.
Ms.
Steele, the paloma bag you're carrying -- Is that real? It is.
A gift from my ex-husband.
I guess it holds some sentimental value.
Do you know how much that bag costs? Yes.
Uh, somewhere around 75 grand.
Gun to your head.
A thief says, "hand over your paloma bag or your dog lulu.
" Which is it? Objection.
This case is not about a stolen bag.
What opposing counsel doesn't understand Is a dog isn't property like a car or a purse, Albeit a very perfect paloma bag, Which we'll discuss later at great length.
Overruled.
SoThe bag or the dog? That's easy.
I can live without a bag, but not without my dog.
And I'll do anything to keep her.
No further questions.
Cold and flu germs can live up to 48 hours on hard surfaces.
You're an embarrassment to the american bar association.
I aim high.
Nice suit.
Thanks.
His compliment isn't genuine.
My partner is known for his biting sarcasm.
Is that true? Not at all.
When we're done, I'm gonna buy that suit from you for a million dollars.
Damien.
What are you doing with this turd of a case? Hey, just because lady justice is blind Doesn't mean she cannot hearSir.
Who's that guy? He's nobody.
Look, let's just do this quick So we can get back to our lives.
Misdemeanor with probation.
Love to, but this is a real crime.
Your client's robbery has gone viral.
My boss wants to make an example out of gentleman jim So that others don't get the idea That if they just steal with good manners and a squirt gun, They won't do any jail time.
I'm sorry, damien.
But that poor sap's going away for five years.
Did he just say five years? Who's gonna take care of my father if I'm gone for five years? Relax.
It's just a preliminary hearing.
I shouldn't have listened.
"listened"? Who told you that lucky louie's Had a bunch of cash lying around? No one.
This was my master plan.
Oh, and it worked great.
Jim, if someone put you up to this, he's a co-conspirator.
And if you give us his name, we can get you a lighter sentence.
No way.
No way.
Maybe I make cheese, but I'm no rat.
The plaintiff would like to call Mr.
Patrick meisner to the stand.
Objection, your honor.
There is no patrick meisner on the witness list.
Your honor, sorry, We attempted to deliver a new witness list last night, But our messenger was pulled over for speeding.
And who knew? He had two priors, so Haven't heard that one before.
It's so lame we're okay with it.
Thanks.
Bush league.
Mr.
Meisner, will you please remind the jury where you work? The east valley animal shelter in woodland hills.
Is it true that evanthia steele, Who says she found the dog in santa monica, Drove 15 miles to your rescue center in woodland hills? Yes, that's correct.
Wow.
Really? And where did she tell you she found the dog? In woodland hills.
Woodland hills? Why not las vegas? Now, why would a westsider Venture into your center in the valley With a missing pet? Well, sometimes dog owners embed a computer chip in the dog With a name and address.
If the dog doesn't have this, It makes it very easy for the finder To claim the dog as theirs.
Objection.
Speculation.
Sustained.
Did this dog have a chip in it? No, it did not.
Mr.
Meisner, how many days are required Before someone can claim ownership of a lost pet? On what day did ms.
Steele arrive to claim maxine? She was at my door when I opened On the morning of the 10th day.
Thank you, mr.
Meisner.
No further questions, your honor.
Your honor, given ms.
Steele is on record Saying she'd do anything to save that dog, We would like that dog placed in custody of a third party.
What? Counselors in my chambers.
You may step down.
Well, we were wrong.
I guess you guys do take the "hail mary" cases, huh? 'cause you got no shot at winning this one.
Yeah.
Nice loafers.
Thanks, they're italian.
Really, that's the best you've got? I'm tired, all right? Stanton, I saved that dog's life.
I'm sure you did.
But my lawyers don't believe me.
Oh, well, they'll come around.
If only you had come around the house more.
Well You know I want to, darling.
But emotions -- They get complicated the morning after.
Yes, but there's something to be said About living in the moment.
And at this very moment, We must save your beloved lulu.
Oh.
They can't be serious.
The prosecution is calling ms.
Steele a flight risk? Yes, she is a desperate woman Who has said that she can't live without this dog.
That sounds like a flight risk to me.
Your honor, that is ridiculous.
Given what I've heard in testimony today, I'm going to agree with the plaintiff.
The dog will be placed in the custody Of the los angeles animal control shelter Until custody can be determined.
Your honor, you can't put lulu in the county pen.
She's too pretty.
Well, if defense is so concerned about the dog, They could take custody until verdict is reached.
Why don't you? We have cats.
You would.
Franklin and bash, your call.
The dog goes with you or to the pound.
We'll take it.
Him.
Her.
Shut up.
They don't even know the gender of the dog.
You can't take it 'cause you have cats.
Yes, seven of them.
Ugh! You have cats! Yeah.
You look like a cat.
Meow, mother Oh, god, how can he stand the smell? This is where he makes his cheese.
That doesn't answer my question.
You get it.
No, you get it.
Get it.
No.
Get it.
Oh, god.
You're wasting your time.
I'm not talking.
What are you making? Camembert.
It's his specialty.
The secret to a good camembert Is turning the molds every six hours To allow the whey to drain evenly.
Actually, the secret to a good camembert Is a decent cabernet to save its sorry ass.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.
Listen -- the jury has to understand Why you robbed lucky louie's.
You needed rent money so you and your sick father Wouldn't end up on the street.
But to establish that, We have to put you on the stand.
That I can do.
Good, but once you're on the stand, The prosecution can cross-examine you.
And then if they ask you whether you worked alone, You have to tell them the truth.
I stand corrected.
The vintner owes a debt of gratitude to the artisan.
Well, we'll leave you to your cheese.
Bye.
His name is charlie hillenbran.
He's a food vendor.
I sell my cheese to him.
He said there was this pizza joint.
The owner had a lot of cash around And no gun on the premises.
Keep going.
Chuck said that the owner, lucky louie, was rich And that the pizza joint was a tax write-off.
And as long as I didn't use a deadly weapon And was respectful, if I was caught, They'd let me go with just a slap on the wrist.
And you guys -- you guys saw the video.
I-I was very respectful.
It might not be enough to make chuck a co-conspirator.
Did you give him a cut of any of the money you stole? No.
Insurance fraud maybe? Maybe.
We need to find out more.
Did you really find the dog in santa monica And take her to woodland hills? Yes.
I kept seeing her on montana avenue Either left in a hot car or tied to a meter While that woman was in yoga class.
Sometimes for hours while she was just flirting with men.
I had seen enough, and I rescued her.
Some people would call that stealing.
And by some, I mean everyone.
I saved this dog's life.
Okay.
All I wanted was for lulu to be in a better home.
Now Do you want to take this case Or should I talk to stanton about new counsel? Take the dog.
Oh.
Lulu, you're gonna have a sleepover with these nice men.
Okay.
Oh, lulu.
Oh! Oh.
Okay.
Oh, thank you.
That's fun.
All right.
Lulu, come on.
Lulu.
Come, girl.
Okay.
Bye.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Ohh.
A dog's tongue is not just its washcloth, But also its toilet paper.
So when it's "kissing" you, It's basically rubbing used toilet paper All over your face.
Oh, she's so cute.
I want to keep her.
Well, judging by the way the case is going, She's gonna have to start learning to live On the other side of the tracks again.
Okay, strategy 2.
0.
Go.
Evanthia didn't steal the dog, she rescued it.
Yeah, right.
Your client's a thief.
It's better than being an animal abuser.
You're right.
We got to hit kerry dutton hard For being a neglectful owner.
We show that the dog-jacking Was a crime of necessity.
That the dog's life and welfare was in grave danger.
This is a hail mary.
Carmen, you got to find someone To support our claim that the dog was neglected.
Okay, check old boyfriends, roommates, anyone.
How can it still be shedding? It's literally everywhere.
Pindy, first of all, it is a she.
Second of all, yorkies don't shed.
That hair's probably left over From peter's manscaping bonanza.
What's wrong? I used to think jango and rossi were wannabes.
Now maybe they're right.
Maybe we have sold out.
No way.
We swapped gentleman jim's case Without thinking twice about it.
As a favor to karp.
Was it that? Or did we just not want to be bothered by the great unwashed? We used to be true believers.
Peter, we're still the same guys.
We still have the same values.
We still fight for the little guy.
The only difference is this time, The little guy happens to be a yorkie Owned by a super-rich white lady from the westside.
Damn.
Please deliver this to mr.
Karp's office.
Thought the woman was a -- Oh.
Well, look what the dog dragged in.
This dog kept us up all night sick.
Let me guess, you fed it sushi.
Pigs in a blanket.
Yorkiepoos -- they have a very delicate constitution.
You think jango and rossi did this To throw you off your game? Man, that would be kind of brilliant.
It would.
All right.
What happened yesterday? No offense, sir, but your ex-wife is bucknuts crazy.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Hold it right there.
Evanthia is a wonderful woman with a big heart.
She's just had a tough go since we split up.
Anyway, she finds it very hard to find someone With my lovemaking skills.
Especially my ability To find the very elusive female k-spot.
G-spot.
"k.
" it's above the "g.
" Getting there is part architecture, part instinct.
You see, the difficulty of finding the k-spot Can only be eclipsed by the recipient's ability To withstand the intensity of its discovery.
First you -- Sir, I'm just gonna say words until you stop.
Go on.
Go on.
Oh.
Later.
Jango and rossi have submitted a new witness for today.
You got to be kidding me.
The dog?! The dog.
The judge isn't gonna allow that, right? Come on.
They're messing with us.
They're in our heads.
What? I think you give evanthia all this free legal counsel To alleviate the guilt you feel for breaking her heart.
Am I right? Thank you, hanna.
That'll be all.
Okay.
Your honor, when the plaintiff's counsel Are done getting their phone numbers, we're good to go.
And if they need a closer, I can help.
Your honor, the plaintiff would like to call Maxine the dog to the stand.
Come on, your honor.
Oh, good lord, why don't you Just grow two more inches and call yourself franklin? Mr.
Franklin! I'm sorry, your honor.
That might be the only chance I ever get To make a short joke at someone else's expense.
Your honor, the defense has claimed That the dog is not property, but rather something That forges a more emotional attachment.
Approach.
May I? Are we really doing this, folks? Your honor, it's very simple.
Evanthia steele Claims that she's bonded with this dog.
Let's put it to a taste test.
Why not let the dog choose its master? Your honor, this is crazy.
And if we're saying it's crazy Request denied.
Move on.
There you go.
Oh, no! Toto! Lulu, lulu! Max! Yes! Yes! Oh! Your honor! There will be order in this court! Mommy misses you.
Mr.
Rossi, mr.
Jango, I am holding you in contempt.
We didn't do anything -- oh, you meant them.
Force of habit.
The jury will disregard that stunt And let it have no bearing on your decision.
Your honor, we request that the bailiff Be allowed to search ms.
Dutton In order to see if she is hiding a lamb chop Or some bacon treats on her person.
Request denied.
Okay, I'll do it.
We'll do it, your honor.
Denied.
This court is in recess until 3:00.
Why don't you shrink an inch and call yourself jango? Maybe I should have hired them.
Psst.
Mr.
Hillenbran? That's me.
Somebody told me You could hook a girl up with some bulk cheddar.
Oh, yeah? Who? Jim sweeney.
You a cop? No.
Why would you think I was a cop? Why, did you do something wrong? No, but jim sweeney did.
Yeah, I know.
He said you told him Lucky louie's was an easy mark.
Who are you? An investigator for franklin and bash.
Yeah, I've seen their bumper stickers on tombstones.
Ask me anything.
Did you tell jim That louie didn't keep a gun on the premises? I did, but I didn't tell jim to rob the place.
Why should I believe you? Because louie is not only a friend of mine, He's a business partner.
Business partner? Yeah, I'm a minority owner of lucky louie's.
Now, why in the hell would I tip someone off To steal money from my own business? Depressed, huh? How'd you know? Oh, whenever you're in a funk, you watch laughing babies.
They bring me so much joy.
You can't buy publicity like that.
Where you headed? To talk to another one Of kerry dutton's old boyfriends.
Of which there seem to be many.
Anyway, lulu has been fed.
Yes, she has.
But you're gonna have to put her out.
Oh, I was unaware that hell had frozen over.
Pindy, she's like a tiny little lassie.
Uh, lassie contracted toxocariasis And killed half the crew.
Okay, wow.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It links to groupon.
What does? The viral video from lucky louie links to groupon.
We need a subpoena.
We have to open the books on lucky louie pizzeria.
But the judge instructed the jury to ignore what lulu did.
Yeah, but, you know, you can't erase a memory.
The jury now sees kerry as lulu's choice.
Evanthia, it's not over.
It feels like it.
Lulu being here made this house not feel so lonely anymore.
You know, you and stanton seem to get along well.
We get along because we're not married anymore.
Okay, well, you know, we may not get You and stanton back together, But we're gonna get you back with lulu.
Hear, hear! Really? Yeah.
Oh.
Here's to that.
It's carmen.
Hey.
I got some bad news.
Okay.
How long did you and stanton date? About six weeks.
Really? Mm-hmm.
He was talking about this k-spot.
He -- he told you about that? Yeah.
You don't even know what it is, do you? No, I have no idea.
I found one of kerry's old boyfriends.
Evanthia -- she's not getting her dog back.
The prosecution would like to call Mr.
Louie gianelli to the stand.
Hmm.
I'm good.
Nice call subpoenaing lucky louie's books.
Just doing my job, partner.
Let's beat this dick.
One last question, mr.
Gianelli.
When mr.
Sweeney pointed his gun at you, Were you aware that the gun wasn't real? No.
Did you find anything gentlemanly About someone pointing a loaded weapon at you And demanding your hard-earned money? Objection.
Argumentative.
Sustained.
Mr.
Gianelli, were you scared for your life When jim sweeney pointed in your direction What you believed to be a deadly weapon? Yes, but I was more scared That I wouldn't see my wife again.
No further questions, your honor.
Gentlemen.
Uh, mr.
Gianelli, according to your books, Business wasn't great The first half of last year, correct? Yeah, that's correct.
We were down about 20%.
And how's business been the last couple of months? It has picked up.
Knock on wood.
Actually, according to your records, Business picked up almost 15% Since the robbery was caught on your security cameras And went viral, isn't that correct? Yeah, I guess so.
Even the blind pig finds the acorn.
Would I be accurate if I said That getting that robbery on camera Might have been one of the best things To happen to you and your business? Objection.
Withdrawn.
Mr.
Gianelli, do you have business partners? Yeah, I-I've got 10 investors.
Did you discuss with your partners Ways to stimulate the business? Oh, sure.
All the time.
Like the new deep dish pizza Half-price night Getting someone gullible to rob your store With a cheese gun for publicity? Objection -- argumentative.
Sustained.
Mr.
Gianelli, did your business partner charles hillenbran Suggest to mr.
Sweeney That if he was convicted of robbing lucky louie's, He would get off light? Objection.
Watch it, atticus.
Your honor, mr.
Gianelli is not on trial here.
And I ask that mr.
Karp's questions be stricken.
Your honor, we're trying to present an affirmative defense Of a legal impossibility.
Our client couldn't have committed a crime Against a person who planned the crime.
It's impossible.
Overruled.
But, mr.
Karp, Unless you are ready to present some proof To support legal impossibility I am, your honor.
I would like to enter into evidence What has previously been marked as exhibit "b.
" Mr.
Gianelli, is this a receipt from stonebridge security? Yes, it is.
And what did you purchase at stonebridge security? Security cameras.
Can you read the date when you put the cameras in? It's March 29, 2012.
Ah.
How fortuitous.
After eight years in business and no previous burglaries, You install security cameras Three days before mr.
Sweeney robs your store On April 2, 2012.
Agree or disagree? I guess that's why they call me lucky louie.
No further questions, your honor.
What percentage of a dog's memory is its sense of smell? So it's fair to say that if enough time has passed, A dog would remember someone by smell Before recognizing them visually? Oh, sure.
Some dogs are better than others, like hunting dogs.
And is a yorkshire a hunting dog? In the 19th century, they were bred in yorkshire, England, To catch rats.
Thank you, sir.
No more questions.
Your honor, we'd like to call to the stand mr.
Andre carson And we'd like to enter exhibit "d" into evidence.
Objection.
I believe your honor Rejected maxine as a witness just yesterday.
Yes, your honor, but this is not a witness, This is evidence in support of our next witness' testimony.
Let the court reporter transcribe this correctly, Because chances are I will never say it again -- Since franklin and bash respected this court And followed proper procedure, I will allow it.
Your honor, we haven't had a chance To interview this witness here.
Your honor, we messengered over The witness list to the plaintiff's counsel, But mr.
Jango's mother refused to sign for it.
I guess he lives with his mother, Which is weird, but -- Your honor, it's a duplex, And my mother would have signed for anything.
I'll allow it.
We have proof that this man, andre carson, Is the real owner of lulu.
But that's not even the dog's real name.
Or maxine.
Ladies and gentlemen of the court, We present to you, lady bow wow.
No, the dog stays.
Stay! Good girl.
Objection! Oh, you go.
Objection! After you.
Oh, um, your honor, this is a case of ownership Between ms.
Steele and ms.
Dutton, not mr.
Carson.
This witness goes to the plaintiff's credibility, Your honor.
I'll allow it.
The bailiff will swear the witness.
I'll be right back, lady, okay? Go sit with evanthia.
Kerry and I dated for two years, And then we broke up when I was in europe on business.
Kerry has her issues.
Objection.
Relevance.
Sustained.
And what happened to lady bow wow While you were in europe? Well, I was in France and I got a call from the housekeeper.
She said she went to the grocery store.
And when she got home, the dog was gone.
She assumed lady got out and ran away.
Did she run away? No.
I'm pretty sure kerry stole her.
She had a key she never gave back.
Objection! Sustained.
Mr.
Franklin, do you have proof to support that accusation? That's a good question, your honor.
Let me ask mr.
Carson.
Mr.
Carson, do you have any proof that this is your dog? Any papers of any kind? I looked for those papers last night.
I think kerry stole those, too.
Kerry stole those, too.
Objection! He even said "I think.
" Mr.
Carson, has kerry dutton, your old girlfriend, Ever borrowed anything and never given it back? Objection.
Overruled.
They object a lot.
Yes.
She liked to wear my dress shirts.
She's wearing one of them now.
Really? Can you prove that? Well, the dry cleaner puts my name on the inside collar.
Your honor, we'd request That the plaintiff remove her shirt, please.
In private of course.
Yeah, I guess.
Objection! This is totally -- You know what?! He can have his shirt -- Whoa.
Hello.
And who leaves their dog with their housekeeper? Unless they're sleeping with her! I'm guessing these are some of the issues? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have issues with, um -- with mindy and lisa and brenda.
I don't even like your stupid dog.
Order in this court! Control your client.
Uh, your honor, if we could just request a moment.
Who's brenda? Your honor, yesterday ran into ms.
Dutton's lap, It was the scent of mr.
Carson's shirt That the dog picked up on, not the person.
Speculation.
Even if the shirt she was wearing belonged to him, That's not proof of ownership, your honor.
Your honor, we're in the process Of tracking down the dog's papers, And we're confident we'll have them by tomorrow.
Given the plaintiff's apparent mental instability And the dog's comfort level with mr.
Carson Here comes the pain.
I am taking this case from the jury And allowing custody of lady bow wow to andre carson Until the defense can provide papers proving ownership.
And the next time you four want to out-jackass each other, Do it out of my courtroom.
Court's adjourned.
Yes, your honor.
Fantastic.
Thank you.
Are you sure you're okay? Like I said last night, I took lulu away from kerry Because I wanted her to have a good home.
Now I know she does.
Thank you for everything.
Of course.
Here.
I want you to have this.
No.
I-I couldn't.
Please.
Yeah, thank you.
Besides, I saw one just like it at target.
Hey, what do you say we call this one a tie? They say ties are kind of like kissing your sister, But in this case, my sister's hot.
Well, in that case, You should bring her by the house sometime.
Sure.
Hey, we heard you guys might be having a party this weekend.
Yeah.
We could clear our schedules.
Hey, when you're ready, the phone will ring.
All right.
Get out of here.
You enjoy being taller, don't you? So much.
Ohh.
Has the jury reached a verdict? We have, your honor.
To the charge of robbery, not guilty.
To the charge of assault, not guilty.
To the charge of petty theft, guilty.
Oh, god! No! No! No, no, no, this is good news.
Petty theft is just a misdemeanor.
It's probation.
There's no jail time.
This is what we wanted.
This is good.
Fantastic.
It's very good.
How much do I owe you? This one's on us.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not.
We charge a fee now at infeld-daniels.
I want 12 wheels of your camembert.
You got it.
And I'm gonna throw in my suit for you.
Sarcasm.
I got two lawyers I want to recommend to you.
Yeah? Why don't you make a hockey stick Out of some parmesan and shove it up your ass?! We should do this more often.
Oh, can we? Listen, fair warning, if I pull my ear like this, It means don't stick around.
You're hooking up with evanthia tonight? Well, we have been known to reunite occasionally.
It's none of my business, But do you think that's a good idea? I mean, if evanthia's holding out hope That she still has a chance with you Unless you're hoping You still have a third chance with her? She ended it with you.
I haven't got this far, hanna, By taking no for an answer.
Evanthia! Stanton? What the he-- you stole the dog again? Who's that? We brought you a rescue.
Her name's tabatha.
Hey, I used your razor.
What? Oh.
What's up? Um, andre said I could have visiting rights, so I don't really need that dog.
Maybe one of you should take it.
No.
No pets or children allowed in my Allergies.
I remember.
When I brought that bichon home when we were first married.
Yeah.
I remember.
Sweet.
Uh-huh.
I better be going.
Liverpool playing man u.
On theDish.
UmEvanthia Evanthia As always.
Always good to see you, stanton.
Hmm.
Andre! Andre! Andre! I don't know if I care for this new normal -- Being equity partners, making rain, Having to handle corporate jackasses.
It's about taking the right cases.
We have to change the culture, not have the culture change us.
Well, then I don't want to get motorcycles.
Why not? 'cause.
Dude, riding a motorcycle Is emblematic of all things rebel.
And we are nothing, if not total badass rebels.
Right, but we were badasses to begin with.
We don't need motorcycles to prove it.
Come on, boy.
You better not be talking to me.
Come on, skeletor.
We're not calling it skeletor.
We're not calling her clapton.
Okay, well, how about no name because we're not keeping it Until we just find a good home for her, right? Hello.
How you doing? Jared? Yes, peter.
Did clapton just pee on my leg? No But skeletor did.
Come onSkeletor.
That is the way to start a Monday, huh? Yeah! Yeah, they don't make 'em like this anymore.
Actually, they're brand-new.
Yeah, they are.
How much? Well, because stanton infeld recommended you $15,000.
Whoa.
Whoo! H-h-how much for one? Each.
$15,000 each.
How much for it with a aaa discount card? Really? Give us a second.
come on.
We got equity partner bonus money.
It's burning a hole in my pocket.
And if we don't spend it, it's gonna burn our junk.
Let's do it.
Come on.
Yeah.
All right.
We'll take 'em.
We'll take 'em.
We'll take 'em.
If you could tow back the prius, that would be great.
We have to do the paperwork.
Okay.
We can do the -- I forgot.
Pindy.
The cheese guy.
Hey! What about the bikes? Uh, do you guys deliver? Not if you don't sign the papers.
We'll come back for them.
Just hold on to them.
Hang onto them.
Yeah.
Hanna! Evanthia.
What a pleasure.
Who do we have here? This is lulu.
What a lovely dress.
I saw one just like that at cabazon.
I doubt it.
I don't shop outlets.
Are you looking for your ex-husband -- No, I'm looking for you.
It's my understanding That you're handling my custody case.
Custody case? Yes.
Some bitch is trying to take lulu away from me.
And you want to stop them? Evanthia, darling.
Stanton.
How's my favorite You want me to clear the room? Hello, damien.
Aunt evanthia.
Damien and hanna are going to handle your case.
Oh.
I know.
I'm excited, too.
Well, we're off to the grill, but first, I've got something I want to show you In my office.
Awesome.
I got it here somewhere.
I found it on my car windshield a couple of years ago.
It's a franklin and bash Well, sorry, but, uh, we -- we can't honor that.
It says good for three years.
We're here now.
I need the discount.
In fact, I'm gonna need all the help I can get To pay for legal fees.
Here, can I trade you a tillamook? I'll tell you what, If we decide to take your case -- And I'm not saying we are -- You don't pay us at all, Most specifically not in backpack cheese.
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
I robbed a pizza place.
And I-I did it because I'm taking care of my dad, Who has emphysema, And I lost my job and -- and we were short on rent.
Tell them about the gun.
I carved a gun out of hard cheese And -- and then I coated it in a dark-colored rind.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
And guess what.
Uh, you got rid of it by eating it? You guys are really smart.
Wow.
It was a good size.
It wasn't like a Saturday night special.
It -- it was like a .
45.
The gun was that? It was a hard cheese.
It was a valgrana.
Try it sometime with a cold apple sliver.
Sidebar? Excuse us.
Do you have any goat cheeses in there? No, I don't -- I don't work in goat cheeses.
What? It's not like we'd be kicking him to the curb, right? Pindy can handle this.
He can't take an escalator alone.
He's not ready to take off the water wings.
Hey.
You guys got to take infeld's ex-wife.
We don't got to do anything.
Then I need you to do me a favor.
Right.
Because you're always helping us out? I have a problem.
Yeah.
It's one of those deep family secrets.
I may have hit on my aunt.
yes.
Well, it happened to me thanksgiving of 1999, After trivial pursuit and six gin fizzes.
We're not blood related.
Because that would make it weird.
Hanna will help you.
Come on.
You take our case, we'll take yours.
Simple felony, you can plead it out.
And pindy will be your second chair.
Sweet.
You -- whoa, he just took that way too fast.
Which wife you think it is? Could be any of them -- bitchy, drunky, stabby Well Oh, no.
Really? Evanthia.
I wish you'd told me.
I think we just got hosed.
d ooh, what a mixture d d such a vivid picture d d ooh, what a mixture d d if I must say so myself d How many times was infeld married? Five times.
Wow.
Really? No wonder he's got to keep working.
Evanthia's fragile.
Hanna says after infeld broke her heart, His ex went a little nutty.
And infeld's normal? Okay.
Favorite villainesses you'd like to -- Vilfs.
I got it.
Uh, famke janssen in "goldeneye.
" Crushes a dude with her thighs.
Yeah.
You? Cruella de vil, "101 dalmatians.
" Really? Absolutely.
She's fashionable, determined.
Yeah, but she's a smoker.
Yeah, but I don't think she'll get cancer.
It's animation.
About four months ago, I found her wandering on barrington avenue.
Filthy, starving, no tags.
Clearly she had been on the streets for weeks, So I put her in my car and brought her home.
Can I get you anything to drink? No, thanks.
No.
Sorry.
Did you try to find lulu's owner? Of course.
I put up signs in the neighborhood, But no one claimed her.
I knew they wouldn't, Because she'd been missing for a while.
So, where are hanna and damien? Oh, well, hanna claims that her nephew is graduating.
And karp is In rehab.
Poor guy.
Oh.
Well, looks like I traded up.
You know, I could go for a gin fizz.
So, is this where you and stanton lived? Lived, fought So, you are the second wife? And fourth.
So nice we did it twice.
So did you think about maybe putting the dog In an animal shelter? Lulu suffered enough.
I wasn't about to dump her off again at the pound.
And I've rescued animals before and found them good homes.
Anyway, two months later, This crazy woman comes up to me in gelson's Claiming the dog is hers.
Did she have any proof that that was her dog? Just these.
That's the woman who stole lulu.
She's gonna need more than this to prove ownership.
Thank you.
Hey.
Look who it is.
Ted rossi.
Haven't seen you in the water in a while.
Hey, yeah.
I took up jiujitsu.
It's great for the core.
Check it out.
Try it.
Wow, that's Believe you know my partner in defending crime, eric jango? Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
How are you? Hey.
We haven't met.
I don't need to touch your stomach.
No, you shouldn't.
I'm actually quite a fan of your work, though.
Thanks.
And you must be mrs.
Dutton.
Ms.
Dutton.
There is no mr.
Dutton.
Day's not over.
It's a little creepy.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you inside.
It's nice to meet you both.
See you inside.
Uh, counsel Your client stole the dog.
It's actually really plain and simple.
Last chance to settle.
He's adorable, little jango fett.
Put you in my pocket.
It's weird seeing you guys representing zsa zsa.
Isn't it? A little bit.
I mean, after years of looking after all the little guys.
Now Now what? Now you're on their side.
See you in court.
Ha ha.
They're rodeo clowns.
Oh, yeah.
This isn't even gonna be fair.
I know.
I know.
What are you doing? I'm moving up my basketball game from Friday to Wednesday.
This will be over by then.
I still can't believe you play basketball.
I can't believe you get facials.
You get picked last a lot? It doesn't matter when you get picked, okay? It's defense.
Ladies and gentlemen, This is a simple case of stolen property.
Evanthia steele took a dog that did not belong to her.
And by the way, the dog's real name -- maxine.
Kerry dutton Searched her santa monica neighborhood tirelessly For maxine.
Her property, hmm? Her stolen property.
Now we're gonna prove to you That max was lured to a fancy part of town With a promise of a better life, Given a new foofy haircut, pampered lifestyle, Leaving behind not only those most loyal to her, But also her own true identity.
Now, I understand we all lose our way from time to time, Forget where we come from and what's most important.
But to those that loved us, we owe it to them to come home.
Pushing the basketball game back to Friday? Yep.
Huh! Hey, I'm sorry, sir, But I-I lost my job after I broke my arm.
And my father is ill.
All right, all right.
Whatever, just don't shoot.
May I? I'm really starving.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Try the pepperoni.
Nah, I'm a mozzarella man.
Ooh, it's good.
Good, good.
Take this and go, huh? Thank you.
Now, you have a nice day.
And again, I'm so very sorry for this, okay? Okay, great.
Great.
Ah.
Deep dish.
I love it.
Ugh.
Ugh.
That is very hard for me to watch.
I'm not that mad man, I swear.
Why did you pick a pizza joint to rob? Well, I always heard pizza joints Had lots of cash around.
Really? Yeah.
Oh.
Well, since the gun was, um, a dairy product, We can probably get the weapons charge dismissed.
Plus, it's your first offense.
Best case, we get robbery Reduced to misdemeanor assault.
You get three years' probation and no jail time.
Wow.
You guys are amazing.
Yeah, we are dynamic, aren't we? We're like a dynamic duo.
We're not a duo of any kind.
Oh, you can't deny that there are two of us.
Watch me.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
You want anything? No.
I'llGetBlack.
So you didn't take lulu to the pound? I think lulu was dumped by her owner In a nice, safe neighborhood Hoping someone would pick her up.
She's lucky the coyotes didn't get her.
Ms.
Steele, the paloma bag you're carrying -- Is that real? It is.
A gift from my ex-husband.
I guess it holds some sentimental value.
Do you know how much that bag costs? Yes.
Uh, somewhere around 75 grand.
Gun to your head.
A thief says, "hand over your paloma bag or your dog lulu.
" Which is it? Objection.
This case is not about a stolen bag.
What opposing counsel doesn't understand Is a dog isn't property like a car or a purse, Albeit a very perfect paloma bag, Which we'll discuss later at great length.
Overruled.
SoThe bag or the dog? That's easy.
I can live without a bag, but not without my dog.
And I'll do anything to keep her.
No further questions.
Cold and flu germs can live up to 48 hours on hard surfaces.
You're an embarrassment to the american bar association.
I aim high.
Nice suit.
Thanks.
His compliment isn't genuine.
My partner is known for his biting sarcasm.
Is that true? Not at all.
When we're done, I'm gonna buy that suit from you for a million dollars.
Damien.
What are you doing with this turd of a case? Hey, just because lady justice is blind Doesn't mean she cannot hearSir.
Who's that guy? He's nobody.
Look, let's just do this quick So we can get back to our lives.
Misdemeanor with probation.
Love to, but this is a real crime.
Your client's robbery has gone viral.
My boss wants to make an example out of gentleman jim So that others don't get the idea That if they just steal with good manners and a squirt gun, They won't do any jail time.
I'm sorry, damien.
But that poor sap's going away for five years.
Did he just say five years? Who's gonna take care of my father if I'm gone for five years? Relax.
It's just a preliminary hearing.
I shouldn't have listened.
"listened"? Who told you that lucky louie's Had a bunch of cash lying around? No one.
This was my master plan.
Oh, and it worked great.
Jim, if someone put you up to this, he's a co-conspirator.
And if you give us his name, we can get you a lighter sentence.
No way.
No way.
Maybe I make cheese, but I'm no rat.
The plaintiff would like to call Mr.
Patrick meisner to the stand.
Objection, your honor.
There is no patrick meisner on the witness list.
Your honor, sorry, We attempted to deliver a new witness list last night, But our messenger was pulled over for speeding.
And who knew? He had two priors, so Haven't heard that one before.
It's so lame we're okay with it.
Thanks.
Bush league.
Mr.
Meisner, will you please remind the jury where you work? The east valley animal shelter in woodland hills.
Is it true that evanthia steele, Who says she found the dog in santa monica, Drove 15 miles to your rescue center in woodland hills? Yes, that's correct.
Wow.
Really? And where did she tell you she found the dog? In woodland hills.
Woodland hills? Why not las vegas? Now, why would a westsider Venture into your center in the valley With a missing pet? Well, sometimes dog owners embed a computer chip in the dog With a name and address.
If the dog doesn't have this, It makes it very easy for the finder To claim the dog as theirs.
Objection.
Speculation.
Sustained.
Did this dog have a chip in it? No, it did not.
Mr.
Meisner, how many days are required Before someone can claim ownership of a lost pet? On what day did ms.
Steele arrive to claim maxine? She was at my door when I opened On the morning of the 10th day.
Thank you, mr.
Meisner.
No further questions, your honor.
Your honor, given ms.
Steele is on record Saying she'd do anything to save that dog, We would like that dog placed in custody of a third party.
What? Counselors in my chambers.
You may step down.
Well, we were wrong.
I guess you guys do take the "hail mary" cases, huh? 'cause you got no shot at winning this one.
Yeah.
Nice loafers.
Thanks, they're italian.
Really, that's the best you've got? I'm tired, all right? Stanton, I saved that dog's life.
I'm sure you did.
But my lawyers don't believe me.
Oh, well, they'll come around.
If only you had come around the house more.
Well You know I want to, darling.
But emotions -- They get complicated the morning after.
Yes, but there's something to be said About living in the moment.
And at this very moment, We must save your beloved lulu.
Oh.
They can't be serious.
The prosecution is calling ms.
Steele a flight risk? Yes, she is a desperate woman Who has said that she can't live without this dog.
That sounds like a flight risk to me.
Your honor, that is ridiculous.
Given what I've heard in testimony today, I'm going to agree with the plaintiff.
The dog will be placed in the custody Of the los angeles animal control shelter Until custody can be determined.
Your honor, you can't put lulu in the county pen.
She's too pretty.
Well, if defense is so concerned about the dog, They could take custody until verdict is reached.
Why don't you? We have cats.
You would.
Franklin and bash, your call.
The dog goes with you or to the pound.
We'll take it.
Him.
Her.
Shut up.
They don't even know the gender of the dog.
You can't take it 'cause you have cats.
Yes, seven of them.
Ugh! You have cats! Yeah.
You look like a cat.
Meow, mother Oh, god, how can he stand the smell? This is where he makes his cheese.
That doesn't answer my question.
You get it.
No, you get it.
Get it.
No.
Get it.
Oh, god.
You're wasting your time.
I'm not talking.
What are you making? Camembert.
It's his specialty.
The secret to a good camembert Is turning the molds every six hours To allow the whey to drain evenly.
Actually, the secret to a good camembert Is a decent cabernet to save its sorry ass.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.
Listen -- the jury has to understand Why you robbed lucky louie's.
You needed rent money so you and your sick father Wouldn't end up on the street.
But to establish that, We have to put you on the stand.
That I can do.
Good, but once you're on the stand, The prosecution can cross-examine you.
And then if they ask you whether you worked alone, You have to tell them the truth.
I stand corrected.
The vintner owes a debt of gratitude to the artisan.
Well, we'll leave you to your cheese.
Bye.
His name is charlie hillenbran.
He's a food vendor.
I sell my cheese to him.
He said there was this pizza joint.
The owner had a lot of cash around And no gun on the premises.
Keep going.
Chuck said that the owner, lucky louie, was rich And that the pizza joint was a tax write-off.
And as long as I didn't use a deadly weapon And was respectful, if I was caught, They'd let me go with just a slap on the wrist.
And you guys -- you guys saw the video.
I-I was very respectful.
It might not be enough to make chuck a co-conspirator.
Did you give him a cut of any of the money you stole? No.
Insurance fraud maybe? Maybe.
We need to find out more.
Did you really find the dog in santa monica And take her to woodland hills? Yes.
I kept seeing her on montana avenue Either left in a hot car or tied to a meter While that woman was in yoga class.
Sometimes for hours while she was just flirting with men.
I had seen enough, and I rescued her.
Some people would call that stealing.
And by some, I mean everyone.
I saved this dog's life.
Okay.
All I wanted was for lulu to be in a better home.
Now Do you want to take this case Or should I talk to stanton about new counsel? Take the dog.
Oh.
Lulu, you're gonna have a sleepover with these nice men.
Okay.
Oh, lulu.
Oh! Oh.
Okay.
Oh, thank you.
That's fun.
All right.
Lulu, come on.
Lulu.
Come, girl.
Okay.
Bye.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Ohh.
A dog's tongue is not just its washcloth, But also its toilet paper.
So when it's "kissing" you, It's basically rubbing used toilet paper All over your face.
Oh, she's so cute.
I want to keep her.
Well, judging by the way the case is going, She's gonna have to start learning to live On the other side of the tracks again.
Okay, strategy 2.
0.
Go.
Evanthia didn't steal the dog, she rescued it.
Yeah, right.
Your client's a thief.
It's better than being an animal abuser.
You're right.
We got to hit kerry dutton hard For being a neglectful owner.
We show that the dog-jacking Was a crime of necessity.
That the dog's life and welfare was in grave danger.
This is a hail mary.
Carmen, you got to find someone To support our claim that the dog was neglected.
Okay, check old boyfriends, roommates, anyone.
How can it still be shedding? It's literally everywhere.
Pindy, first of all, it is a she.
Second of all, yorkies don't shed.
That hair's probably left over From peter's manscaping bonanza.
What's wrong? I used to think jango and rossi were wannabes.
Now maybe they're right.
Maybe we have sold out.
No way.
We swapped gentleman jim's case Without thinking twice about it.
As a favor to karp.
Was it that? Or did we just not want to be bothered by the great unwashed? We used to be true believers.
Peter, we're still the same guys.
We still have the same values.
We still fight for the little guy.
The only difference is this time, The little guy happens to be a yorkie Owned by a super-rich white lady from the westside.
Damn.
Please deliver this to mr.
Karp's office.
Thought the woman was a -- Oh.
Well, look what the dog dragged in.
This dog kept us up all night sick.
Let me guess, you fed it sushi.
Pigs in a blanket.
Yorkiepoos -- they have a very delicate constitution.
You think jango and rossi did this To throw you off your game? Man, that would be kind of brilliant.
It would.
All right.
What happened yesterday? No offense, sir, but your ex-wife is bucknuts crazy.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Hold it right there.
Evanthia is a wonderful woman with a big heart.
She's just had a tough go since we split up.
Anyway, she finds it very hard to find someone With my lovemaking skills.
Especially my ability To find the very elusive female k-spot.
G-spot.
"k.
" it's above the "g.
" Getting there is part architecture, part instinct.
You see, the difficulty of finding the k-spot Can only be eclipsed by the recipient's ability To withstand the intensity of its discovery.
First you -- Sir, I'm just gonna say words until you stop.
Go on.
Go on.
Oh.
Later.
Jango and rossi have submitted a new witness for today.
You got to be kidding me.
The dog?! The dog.
The judge isn't gonna allow that, right? Come on.
They're messing with us.
They're in our heads.
What? I think you give evanthia all this free legal counsel To alleviate the guilt you feel for breaking her heart.
Am I right? Thank you, hanna.
That'll be all.
Okay.
Your honor, when the plaintiff's counsel Are done getting their phone numbers, we're good to go.
And if they need a closer, I can help.
Your honor, the plaintiff would like to call Maxine the dog to the stand.
Come on, your honor.
Oh, good lord, why don't you Just grow two more inches and call yourself franklin? Mr.
Franklin! I'm sorry, your honor.
That might be the only chance I ever get To make a short joke at someone else's expense.
Your honor, the defense has claimed That the dog is not property, but rather something That forges a more emotional attachment.
Approach.
May I? Are we really doing this, folks? Your honor, it's very simple.
Evanthia steele Claims that she's bonded with this dog.
Let's put it to a taste test.
Why not let the dog choose its master? Your honor, this is crazy.
And if we're saying it's crazy Request denied.
Move on.
There you go.
Oh, no! Toto! Lulu, lulu! Max! Yes! Yes! Oh! Your honor! There will be order in this court! Mommy misses you.
Mr.
Rossi, mr.
Jango, I am holding you in contempt.
We didn't do anything -- oh, you meant them.
Force of habit.
The jury will disregard that stunt And let it have no bearing on your decision.
Your honor, we request that the bailiff Be allowed to search ms.
Dutton In order to see if she is hiding a lamb chop Or some bacon treats on her person.
Request denied.
Okay, I'll do it.
We'll do it, your honor.
Denied.
This court is in recess until 3:00.
Why don't you shrink an inch and call yourself jango? Maybe I should have hired them.
Psst.
Mr.
Hillenbran? That's me.
Somebody told me You could hook a girl up with some bulk cheddar.
Oh, yeah? Who? Jim sweeney.
You a cop? No.
Why would you think I was a cop? Why, did you do something wrong? No, but jim sweeney did.
Yeah, I know.
He said you told him Lucky louie's was an easy mark.
Who are you? An investigator for franklin and bash.
Yeah, I've seen their bumper stickers on tombstones.
Ask me anything.
Did you tell jim That louie didn't keep a gun on the premises? I did, but I didn't tell jim to rob the place.
Why should I believe you? Because louie is not only a friend of mine, He's a business partner.
Business partner? Yeah, I'm a minority owner of lucky louie's.
Now, why in the hell would I tip someone off To steal money from my own business? Depressed, huh? How'd you know? Oh, whenever you're in a funk, you watch laughing babies.
They bring me so much joy.
You can't buy publicity like that.
Where you headed? To talk to another one Of kerry dutton's old boyfriends.
Of which there seem to be many.
Anyway, lulu has been fed.
Yes, she has.
But you're gonna have to put her out.
Oh, I was unaware that hell had frozen over.
Pindy, she's like a tiny little lassie.
Uh, lassie contracted toxocariasis And killed half the crew.
Okay, wow.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It links to groupon.
What does? The viral video from lucky louie links to groupon.
We need a subpoena.
We have to open the books on lucky louie pizzeria.
But the judge instructed the jury to ignore what lulu did.
Yeah, but, you know, you can't erase a memory.
The jury now sees kerry as lulu's choice.
Evanthia, it's not over.
It feels like it.
Lulu being here made this house not feel so lonely anymore.
You know, you and stanton seem to get along well.
We get along because we're not married anymore.
Okay, well, you know, we may not get You and stanton back together, But we're gonna get you back with lulu.
Hear, hear! Really? Yeah.
Oh.
Here's to that.
It's carmen.
Hey.
I got some bad news.
Okay.
How long did you and stanton date? About six weeks.
Really? Mm-hmm.
He was talking about this k-spot.
He -- he told you about that? Yeah.
You don't even know what it is, do you? No, I have no idea.
I found one of kerry's old boyfriends.
Evanthia -- she's not getting her dog back.
The prosecution would like to call Mr.
Louie gianelli to the stand.
Hmm.
I'm good.
Nice call subpoenaing lucky louie's books.
Just doing my job, partner.
Let's beat this dick.
One last question, mr.
Gianelli.
When mr.
Sweeney pointed his gun at you, Were you aware that the gun wasn't real? No.
Did you find anything gentlemanly About someone pointing a loaded weapon at you And demanding your hard-earned money? Objection.
Argumentative.
Sustained.
Mr.
Gianelli, were you scared for your life When jim sweeney pointed in your direction What you believed to be a deadly weapon? Yes, but I was more scared That I wouldn't see my wife again.
No further questions, your honor.
Gentlemen.
Uh, mr.
Gianelli, according to your books, Business wasn't great The first half of last year, correct? Yeah, that's correct.
We were down about 20%.
And how's business been the last couple of months? It has picked up.
Knock on wood.
Actually, according to your records, Business picked up almost 15% Since the robbery was caught on your security cameras And went viral, isn't that correct? Yeah, I guess so.
Even the blind pig finds the acorn.
Would I be accurate if I said That getting that robbery on camera Might have been one of the best things To happen to you and your business? Objection.
Withdrawn.
Mr.
Gianelli, do you have business partners? Yeah, I-I've got 10 investors.
Did you discuss with your partners Ways to stimulate the business? Oh, sure.
All the time.
Like the new deep dish pizza Half-price night Getting someone gullible to rob your store With a cheese gun for publicity? Objection -- argumentative.
Sustained.
Mr.
Gianelli, did your business partner charles hillenbran Suggest to mr.
Sweeney That if he was convicted of robbing lucky louie's, He would get off light? Objection.
Watch it, atticus.
Your honor, mr.
Gianelli is not on trial here.
And I ask that mr.
Karp's questions be stricken.
Your honor, we're trying to present an affirmative defense Of a legal impossibility.
Our client couldn't have committed a crime Against a person who planned the crime.
It's impossible.
Overruled.
But, mr.
Karp, Unless you are ready to present some proof To support legal impossibility I am, your honor.
I would like to enter into evidence What has previously been marked as exhibit "b.
" Mr.
Gianelli, is this a receipt from stonebridge security? Yes, it is.
And what did you purchase at stonebridge security? Security cameras.
Can you read the date when you put the cameras in? It's March 29, 2012.
Ah.
How fortuitous.
After eight years in business and no previous burglaries, You install security cameras Three days before mr.
Sweeney robs your store On April 2, 2012.
Agree or disagree? I guess that's why they call me lucky louie.
No further questions, your honor.
What percentage of a dog's memory is its sense of smell? So it's fair to say that if enough time has passed, A dog would remember someone by smell Before recognizing them visually? Oh, sure.
Some dogs are better than others, like hunting dogs.
And is a yorkshire a hunting dog? In the 19th century, they were bred in yorkshire, England, To catch rats.
Thank you, sir.
No more questions.
Your honor, we'd like to call to the stand mr.
Andre carson And we'd like to enter exhibit "d" into evidence.
Objection.
I believe your honor Rejected maxine as a witness just yesterday.
Yes, your honor, but this is not a witness, This is evidence in support of our next witness' testimony.
Let the court reporter transcribe this correctly, Because chances are I will never say it again -- Since franklin and bash respected this court And followed proper procedure, I will allow it.
Your honor, we haven't had a chance To interview this witness here.
Your honor, we messengered over The witness list to the plaintiff's counsel, But mr.
Jango's mother refused to sign for it.
I guess he lives with his mother, Which is weird, but -- Your honor, it's a duplex, And my mother would have signed for anything.
I'll allow it.
We have proof that this man, andre carson, Is the real owner of lulu.
But that's not even the dog's real name.
Or maxine.
Ladies and gentlemen of the court, We present to you, lady bow wow.
No, the dog stays.
Stay! Good girl.
Objection! Oh, you go.
Objection! After you.
Oh, um, your honor, this is a case of ownership Between ms.
Steele and ms.
Dutton, not mr.
Carson.
This witness goes to the plaintiff's credibility, Your honor.
I'll allow it.
The bailiff will swear the witness.
I'll be right back, lady, okay? Go sit with evanthia.
Kerry and I dated for two years, And then we broke up when I was in europe on business.
Kerry has her issues.
Objection.
Relevance.
Sustained.
And what happened to lady bow wow While you were in europe? Well, I was in France and I got a call from the housekeeper.
She said she went to the grocery store.
And when she got home, the dog was gone.
She assumed lady got out and ran away.
Did she run away? No.
I'm pretty sure kerry stole her.
She had a key she never gave back.
Objection! Sustained.
Mr.
Franklin, do you have proof to support that accusation? That's a good question, your honor.
Let me ask mr.
Carson.
Mr.
Carson, do you have any proof that this is your dog? Any papers of any kind? I looked for those papers last night.
I think kerry stole those, too.
Kerry stole those, too.
Objection! He even said "I think.
" Mr.
Carson, has kerry dutton, your old girlfriend, Ever borrowed anything and never given it back? Objection.
Overruled.
They object a lot.
Yes.
She liked to wear my dress shirts.
She's wearing one of them now.
Really? Can you prove that? Well, the dry cleaner puts my name on the inside collar.
Your honor, we'd request That the plaintiff remove her shirt, please.
In private of course.
Yeah, I guess.
Objection! This is totally -- You know what?! He can have his shirt -- Whoa.
Hello.
And who leaves their dog with their housekeeper? Unless they're sleeping with her! I'm guessing these are some of the issues? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have issues with, um -- with mindy and lisa and brenda.
I don't even like your stupid dog.
Order in this court! Control your client.
Uh, your honor, if we could just request a moment.
Who's brenda? Your honor, yesterday ran into ms.
Dutton's lap, It was the scent of mr.
Carson's shirt That the dog picked up on, not the person.
Speculation.
Even if the shirt she was wearing belonged to him, That's not proof of ownership, your honor.
Your honor, we're in the process Of tracking down the dog's papers, And we're confident we'll have them by tomorrow.
Given the plaintiff's apparent mental instability And the dog's comfort level with mr.
Carson Here comes the pain.
I am taking this case from the jury And allowing custody of lady bow wow to andre carson Until the defense can provide papers proving ownership.
And the next time you four want to out-jackass each other, Do it out of my courtroom.
Court's adjourned.
Yes, your honor.
Fantastic.
Thank you.
Are you sure you're okay? Like I said last night, I took lulu away from kerry Because I wanted her to have a good home.
Now I know she does.
Thank you for everything.
Of course.
Here.
I want you to have this.
No.
I-I couldn't.
Please.
Yeah, thank you.
Besides, I saw one just like it at target.
Hey, what do you say we call this one a tie? They say ties are kind of like kissing your sister, But in this case, my sister's hot.
Well, in that case, You should bring her by the house sometime.
Sure.
Hey, we heard you guys might be having a party this weekend.
Yeah.
We could clear our schedules.
Hey, when you're ready, the phone will ring.
All right.
Get out of here.
You enjoy being taller, don't you? So much.
Ohh.
Has the jury reached a verdict? We have, your honor.
To the charge of robbery, not guilty.
To the charge of assault, not guilty.
To the charge of petty theft, guilty.
Oh, god! No! No! No, no, no, this is good news.
Petty theft is just a misdemeanor.
It's probation.
There's no jail time.
This is what we wanted.
This is good.
Fantastic.
It's very good.
How much do I owe you? This one's on us.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not.
We charge a fee now at infeld-daniels.
I want 12 wheels of your camembert.
You got it.
And I'm gonna throw in my suit for you.
Sarcasm.
I got two lawyers I want to recommend to you.
Yeah? Why don't you make a hockey stick Out of some parmesan and shove it up your ass?! We should do this more often.
Oh, can we? Listen, fair warning, if I pull my ear like this, It means don't stick around.
You're hooking up with evanthia tonight? Well, we have been known to reunite occasionally.
It's none of my business, But do you think that's a good idea? I mean, if evanthia's holding out hope That she still has a chance with you Unless you're hoping You still have a third chance with her? She ended it with you.
I haven't got this far, hanna, By taking no for an answer.
Evanthia! Stanton? What the he-- you stole the dog again? Who's that? We brought you a rescue.
Her name's tabatha.
Hey, I used your razor.
What? Oh.
What's up? Um, andre said I could have visiting rights, so I don't really need that dog.
Maybe one of you should take it.
No.
No pets or children allowed in my Allergies.
I remember.
When I brought that bichon home when we were first married.
Yeah.
I remember.
Sweet.
Uh-huh.
I better be going.
Liverpool playing man u.
On theDish.
UmEvanthia Evanthia As always.
Always good to see you, stanton.
Hmm.
Andre! Andre! Andre! I don't know if I care for this new normal -- Being equity partners, making rain, Having to handle corporate jackasses.
It's about taking the right cases.
We have to change the culture, not have the culture change us.
Well, then I don't want to get motorcycles.
Why not? 'cause.
Dude, riding a motorcycle Is emblematic of all things rebel.
And we are nothing, if not total badass rebels.
Right, but we were badasses to begin with.
We don't need motorcycles to prove it.
Come on, boy.
You better not be talking to me.
Come on, skeletor.
We're not calling it skeletor.
We're not calling her clapton.
Okay, well, how about no name because we're not keeping it Until we just find a good home for her, right? Hello.
How you doing? Jared? Yes, peter.
Did clapton just pee on my leg? No But skeletor did.
Come onSkeletor.