Frasier (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss.
If you're here for office hours,
mine are Tuesday night,
and I'm afraid you've missed
Dr. Cornwall's by
13 years.
It's me, dummy.
Roz!
- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
- (LAUGHS)
What are you doing in Boston?
Well, you know Alice started
grad school in Providence.
- Brown?
- RISD.
She'll be okay.
Anyway,
she broke up with her boyfriend,
so I came out to see her tonight,
and she canceled on me
at the last minute
'cause she has a date.
Wait a minute, your daughter
- blew you off for a guy? Well
- (SCOFFS)
as a friend, I'm sorry to hear that,
but as a firm believer
in behavioral genetics,
- I'm thrilled.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
How do I look?
Rich.
Just what I was going for.
- (FRASIER LAUGHS)
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Ah, Roz. (LAUGHS)
- Hey.
- Hey, Roz.
- Hey.
Thank you so much
for letting me tag along.
- Of course.
- I'm only a little afraid to ask,
- but what is the plan?
- Ooh! Well,
hold onto your hat, it's gonna
be a real barn burner tonight.
- We'll start with cocktails here.
- Okay.
And then the five of us
will be heading to
- Boston's most exclusive
- Uh-huh.
- late night
- All right.
art gallery opening
for newly named MacArthur Genius
Vincente Ennui
for his work in charting
America's decline
through the tectonic shifts
in interior decor.
Maybe I'll catch an early flight home.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Well, maybe not fun,
but, come on, it'll be.
Wait, Freddy, are you going to this?
This doesn't seem like you.
Oh, yeah, no, I just met
one of the bartenders working the event.
We're so compatible. It's crazy.
Like, I'm a libra,
she has box seats at Fenway.
And the art history department
will be there.
The most attractive department
on campus.
Their haircuts are so angular.
It's an artsy crowd, but
I refuse to be sidelined
as a stodgy stuffed shirt with some
boorishly folded pocket square. Here.
Now
that says "free spirit," doesn't it?
Them I get, but you, Olivia?
Look, I know it sounds terrible
Maybe I call it early.
Might be nice just to have
a free night instead.
Ooh, a free night.
I just had a dream about one of those.
I dreamt that I got off my shift early,
and then someone got me a Diet Coke,
just because.
That's terrible. Don't you
take time for yourself?
Oh, please. I see her at the bar
all the time.
I work there.
Hold on, Eve.
You are surrounded by capable men.
They must help you out
with the baby all the time.
Um
They help with John plenty.
Here you go. Yeah.
They really can be so thoughtful.
It'd be so easy
for them to pass the buck,
but they're always happy
to lend a helping
Yeah, okay. Thanks, fellas.
Look, I'm-I'm fine.
I'm gonna take John home.
Would I like some more free time? Sure.
Would I, uh, like to go to
the dentist every couple years?
(CHUCKLES) Who doesn't?
- (JOHN CRYING)
- It's okay, sweetheart, it's okay.
ROZ: That's it, Eve.
You and I are going out,
and I am going to give you
the girls' night
that you deserve.
- Girls' night?
- What about the art gallery?
Yeah, and I don't have a sitter.
That's why these gentlemen are
going to happily watch him for you.
- Uh Oh, I don't
- Is it even legal
for us to look after a baby?
You're watching the baby tonight.
This woman needs a break.
Look at her. She's a wreck.
- I don't know about wreck.
- She looks like hell.
This is my most expensive top.
You three men Really?
That is your most expen
You're helping tonight, and that's that.
Eve, come on, let's get you dressed.
Okay, uh
He needs to be in his crib by 8:00,
and call me if you need anything.
(LAUGHS) So girls' night, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Haven't had one of those in a while.
It's usually just me and those
two grumpy Muppets over there.
Would you like to join us?
Yes, I really would. No take-backs.
ALAN: Well, this is a disaster.
All right, I'm just gonna
take this guy out,
let him crawl around on the rug.
No, no. No. No.
Not on my expensive, hand-woven rug.
This place is entirely
too dangerous for a baby.
This is much better for a baby.
There's no reason why
we should all lose our evenings.
We just need one person
to stay at home and supervise.
Well, I can't miss a gallery
opening just because of a baby.
I did that with Freddy.
I swore it'd never happen again.
Yeah. And like I said,
I'm meeting this bartender.
Oh, yes, Lady Fenway.
Dad. She has a name.
She definitely has a name.
Alan, why can't you take him?
(HISSES)
Dear God.
You can't hiss at a baby.
Right, well, I'm disqualified.
Really, why can't you take him?
Well, it's more complicated
than it seems.
Also, and not to be discounted,
- I don't want to.
- FRASIER: Oh
All right, all right.
Th-There's got to be
some sort of a solution.
Well, King Solomon would suggest
No!
Oh, my gosh.
This baby is so cute.
Whose is he?
Oh, well, we're all pitching in
- to watch him.
- LACY: (LAUGHS) Aw.
Well, what a bunch of sweethearts.
Table nine saw you
watching this little fella
and sent over squash blossoms.
You guys are heroes.
This is fascinating.
I've seen women in this very bar
caring for a baby to no applause,
and yet, we turn up with a child,
and suddenly everybody loves us.
God, it's a shameful double standard.
Really, really cool.
You know
we could just go to the gallery,
we could take John with us, and, uh
to ensure that you gentlemen
have a lovely evening,
I can take the baby for all of us.
No, no, no, no, Dad, Dad, Dad,
I can't let you do it.
You've done so much already.
Please, let me. I'll watch
Oh, what you're doing is so transparent.
For shame.
A round on the house.
I shall look after the baby.
You just hissed at the baby.
Well, look, we've only had him
five minutes,
I've already got a free drink.
By my calculations, if I spend
a three-hour evening with John,
I'll have
I'll have died.
Please, let me take him.
For God's sakes,
I mean, he's better than
the perfect pocket square.
No, Dad, the Sox could go
all the way this year.
All right, all right,
all right. I have it.
- We will timeshare the baby.
- FREDDY: Of course.
That's-that's genius. Wait, wait.
Isn't John supposed to be
in his crib by 8:00?
True, but if he's in his crib,
then he can't be exposed
to arts and culture.
Yes, that is most important
to expose them
during the early years,
or something like that.
Let's do this. For John!
Alan.
Oh.
Mmm.
It's really good.
Ah, I'm usually stuck
with stuffy academics.
Oh, it's so nice
to be out with the girls.
- (EVE LAUGHS)
- OLIVIA: All right.
(CLEARS THROAT) Let's get nasty.
(LAUGHS)
Honest thoughts about 17th-century poet
Anne Bradstreet? Go.
Who?
Exactly. (LAUGHING) We're so bad.
So what kind of trouble
do you want to get into next?
Probably the kind of trouble
that wraps up by 10:30.
Oh, come on.
I remember what it was like
raising Alice.
Got to vent some of that
single mom frustration.
Yeah, we can't end the night yet.
We haven't even named our group chat.
Ooh, "Text and the City."
Nah, we're better than that.
I love being out with you guys,
but I just feel bad
that I left the guys with John.
They had this big night out planned.
They're probably miserable.
It's not easy
being a full-time professor
and looking after this cherub
at the same time.
I do my best. I do my best.
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
Ah. Oh.
This is my son.
- Excuse me. Sorry.
- It does take a village.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS) Sorry about that, just
had to change this little guy.
- You are so sweet.
- Well
I can't believe you watch him
almost every night.
Yeah. Neither can I.
Although, my evenings
are gonna start freeing up
around, uh, April ninth.
That's opening day at Fenway.
Is it?
I don't want to put the guys out.
Maybe we call it a night.
Don't worry about them.
This is your chance
to cut loose, you know?
Get a guy's number, do a flaming shot,
wake up on a boat with a sailor
who only speaks Cantonese.
That is way too specific to be made-up.
How about I do one of those
things, then we call it a night?
- Deal.
- Coward.
We're gonna get you a guy's number.
Oh, I know this cool spot.
It's an immersive theater
where the actors
interact with the audience.
Is there any possible chance
those are fancy words
for "male strip club"?
It's a great spot, I promise.
There's an illegal speakeasy
in the back. It's wild.
Okay, let's go break some rules
and get some numbers
and get this mom rage out.
Road Dogs, load up.
I'll keep playing with it.
(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
- This is great.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
This has turned out to be a lot
easier than I would've thought.
- Yeah, having a baby is easy.
- (LAUGHS)
Where's the baby?
I thought you had him.
I came over 'cause it's my turn
with John. Wait
All right, all right, let's not panic.
John.
- John.
- Dad, he's not a lost pet.
Come on. (STAMMERS)
You know what? Calm down.
I'm a firefighter,
I'm good under pressure.
Okay. (LAUGHS) Hi. Excuse me.
Have you, uh, have you seen a baby?
Please help me. I am freaking out.
Relax, here we are. Don't worry.
Alan
Huh?
That's not our baby.
Relax.
I offered to look after
Professor Columbus's child
for a moment, that's all.
- Oh, thank you.
- (LAUGHS)
And I must say, Alan, your grandson
is adorable.
Well, he takes after his Pop Pop.
Pop Pop?
Back at the bar,
you were hissing at the baby.
Now you're taking care of two of them,
and there's not even
a free drink involved.
What are you up to?
What sick game are you playing?
This has gone too far.
John was supposed to be
in his crib hours ago.
We need to take him home.
- Yes, Freddy's right.
- No, no, no, we can't go yet.
And why not?
(STAMMERS) I'm saying,
we can't just give up.
That's not the British way.
Did we give up in India?
Did we give up in Hong Kong?
Did we give up in Ireland?
Did we give up in Nigeria?
Canada? Boston?
Yes, in all those places.
But not straight away.
Now, look, if we can't have John,
we can still enjoy
the idea of John.
Gentlemen, I present to you
Schrödinger's Baby.
What the hell happened?
My theater used to be right here.
Well, now it's a Kaptain Kebab's.
"Boston's second-finest
nautical Middle Eastern fusion."
Why would they advertise that?
This is the worst.
Okay, which guys' number here
are you going to get?
What? We're still doing that?
- Yeah.
- I don't know, I think it's a sign.
Maybe we should call it.
No, it's a sign you gotta keep going.
I remember what it was like
to be a single mother.
You've got to take time for yourself.
Otherwise, you wake up
and your favorite theater
Has a C+ health rating.
I'd really rather not
talk to anyone here.
- Hey, you. Come here.
- Yes?
-Give her your number
-Can do.
I don't want this guy's number.
- Not a problem.
- Take his number.
- Terry, by the way. Hi.
- Hi.
No, I'm not that desperate.
- None taken.
- That's not what I meant, Terry.
- I shouldn't have assumed.
- Well, if you don't want it,
- I'll take his number.
- I'm open to that.
- No, only Eve.
- Sounds good.
- Terry, you should go.
- On my way.
Terry,
you should stay right where you are.
- Nowhere to be.
- Shoo, get out of here.
Roger that. Happy Friday, everyone.
Why won't you let me help you?
You need this.
It actually seems like you need this.
What is that supposed to mean?
Your daughter's in grad school,
she bailed on you for a date.
You're feeling
a little adrift and unneeded,
so you're dumping
all that energy onto me
as a way of feeling
necessary to someone.
I'm just gonna
leave my number right here.
Call me if any of you would like a date,
or an above-ground pool heater.
I do my best.
I do my best.
You're so good with that baby.
I know.
Can I get one little peek?
(LAUGHS)
No.
And my soothing baritone
can even lull the baby to sleep.
Do you hear that?
It's the sound of success.
I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
What are you sorry for?
I don't know, I just wanted to fit in.
(LAUGHS)
Look, you were right. I-I
I was so upset Alice didn't need me,
so I just got up
all in your life instead.
It's okay.
Yes, I do wish
I had more help in my life,
but it's not like I need
to get it all out or anything.
It does get overwhelming.
How did you balance it all?
Oh, screw balance. That's a myth.
You just hang on for dear life,
and suddenly they're grown
and you're desperate
to get the chaos back.
Yeah, nobody's good at balance.
I have a confession.
I do not have
many female friends outside of school.
- What? You?
- I find that very surprising.
That's why tonight was
so much fun for me.
Okay. You know what?
Those guys can watch John
a little longer.
Let's go check out the art gallery.
- OLIVIA: Yes.
- Road Dogs, load up.
You used our name!
We still need
to workshop it a little bit.
Well, gentlemen,
that was one hell of an evening.
- To three men and their baby.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Okay, what do you think?
We quit while we're ahead?
- Yes, let's get out of here. Come on.
- Okay.
What the hell?
You have my baby here past 11:00?
No, no, no, no. It's actually
much worse than that.
Alan, I hope you've made peace
with whatever British God you worship,
because if that isn't my baby,
I'm gonna kill you.
Oh, my God,
they traded your baby for wine!
Do you really think we would
trade John for white zinfandel?
Or any wine?
I can explain. We just took John home.
He's safe and sound, asleep with David.
You just took him home?
Then why is all his stuff still here?
So that they could pick up chicks.
I should come clean, too.
I lied about having box seats at Fenway.
You what?!
Hold on.
So you took John home
two hours past his bedtime?
And you took credit for raising him?
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHTER)
Are you kidding me?!
I never ask for anything!
But what should I expect?
I'm raising a child alone.
I wait tables almost every single night.
Most of what I make goes
to the babysitter.
Yes, I don't pay rent.
Thank you so much for that.
But you're, what,
a multi-multimillionaire?
Well, most of it's tied up in assets.
I barely get any help
these days, and I asked
for one damn night off,
and you all can't even do that.
And I'm not quite sure you're
pulling off that pocket square.
We are all gonna have a talk
when we get home.
ROZ: Hmm. You let it out.
I knew you had it in you.
Hey, look, um, decided I
I'm prepared to be the bigger person
and look past your lie.
Alan?
- Alan?
- Sorry. what?
You all right?
Wouldn't say "no" to a drink.
Oh. Allow me.
Thank you.
So
you've sort of been
all over the place tonight.
First, you were repelled by John,
then you couldn't let him go.
Something you want to talk about?
Uh, looking after John
it stirred up a few things.
Hmm. Like what?
Well, you know I don't have
the closest relationship
with my children.
Um, my eldest daughter in
particular has never forgiven me for
what happened with her mother.
Right, right.
I know you haven't spoken since.
Oh, I've tried, but it's
it's-it's been years.
And then, about,
oh, well, four weeks ago,
I-I found out from another
relative that she's pregnant.
So, I called,
and her husband told me that
she still doesn't want to speak.
Now, part of me had thought when
something like this happens,
you know, all would be smoothed over,
and bygones would
finally be bygones, but, uh,
obviously not.
Which hurts.
I was, after all, her father.
You're still her father.
Listen, I'm sorry I got you wrapped up
- into all this nonsense.
- No, no, no. No.
Actually, looking after John,
I-I I felt better.
Probably why I didn't want it to end.
You know, it's the closest
I'll get to
what I'll be missing.
For what it's worth, um
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know, a few years back, I
I never really thought
I'd be in Freddy's life again,
but now, I can't imagine my life
without him.
So
I see that as your future, as well.
Hmm.
You're a good friend.
And, by the way,
Eve was way out of line
about the pocket hankie.
You know, I think it looks very dashing.
Thank you.
Thank you again for watching John.
How are you so good with him?
I've never seen him so quiet.
Oh, I just rubbed
a little whiskey on his gums.
I'm kidding. I laid out everything wrong
with the Game of Thrones series.
Passed right out.
What do you dopes have
to say for yourselves?
Roz, I, uh
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that
we are so disappointed in ourselves.
I mean, we have been proven
to be totally unreliable.
I dare say we have lost the privilege
of taking care of that baby
forever.
They tried so hard.
They did not. They're jerks.
And as punishment,
they're gonna trade off watching John
every week so that this woman
can finally have break.
But we're so untrustworthy!
Well, that is why David will be
watching you watch the baby
for the next four months.
There's a play
I really want to see in August.
Five months. And Alan,
obviously, you're off the hook.
We should just let the family
clean up this mess.
Oh. Right.
Uh, uh, just a minute, Roz.
I mean, um,
Alan devised this whole scheme,
and I think
he should be punished, as well.
As part of the family.
I don't care.
Thank you, Roz.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Ooh. Terry.
Almost done.
I'll be there in ten.
Really? Terry?
He was cute.
(DOOR CLOSES)
("TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING)
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.
(CHUCKLES)
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Thanks for watching, everybody!