Fresh Meat (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

1 There's no wonder there's a recession on if all these companies are just giving away so many pens.
I think you're only meant to take one.
Yeah, Kingsley, let's all take one of things, like good little communists.
Sorry, I forgot we're living in Cuba.
Where next, Howard? Howard, what are you doing? I've got blood on my sleeve.
I don't want BP to see it.
We're not talking to BP.
Not after they did that massive oily shit all over the Gulf of Mexico.
Yeah, but Kings, in their defence, that was miles away.
And they're giving away free Howard? Mouse mats.
Oh, well then.
If you'll excuse me, this cat is going to gets his paws on the mouse mats.
Fine.
Come on then.
Let's meet the Fockers.
And behave yourself, OK? Some of these guys may well want a piece of me.
They kill the planet.
Someone's got to tell them.
Someone is telling them.
His name is Sting.
Anyway, it's America's fault.
If the Yanks are actually upset about the Gulf of Mexico, they should start cycling.
A-hem.
Nobody called or anything, so I tidied up.
I also defragged the hard-drive.
I also did an aerial map of the office.
Oh.
Yes.
Why did you do that? Nobody called.
Where's this stuff going, Jee? Oh, er, just pop it on my desk, Deh.
Oregon, this is Derek.
He's going to be working with us from now on.
Hi.
I was sitting there.
I'm hot-desking.
Any chance of a cup of tea? Oooh, I'd murder a cup of tea.
So could I.
So I guess I'll just make some.
I brought my own mug.
And there's the BP summer internship scheme for particularly promising students.
I'm particularly promising.
Well, I can give you a form if you want? Yes, please.
Thanks.
What's the green form? Can I have a green form? It says there's an application pack.
Can I have one, please? Yeah, we like to let people read about the internship before Can I have one, please? OK.
I get it.
You ask for stuff while he steals the mouse mats.
No! I want a pack.
I do.
I mean, he is stealing mouse mats, but I'm not stealing anything, they're free.
I'm not a part of this.
I've got a built in mouse-pad on my laptop.
I don't need a mouse mat.
Er, any chance of a photo? I'll be in a photo.
Wait, what's that? Oh, that's not my blood.
I work in an abattoir.
This is a cable knit jumper, it just sucks it up like Weetabix.
Yeah, not this guy.
He's too on message for a Geology student.
Take him away, would you? No, no, no please! Sure.
Come on.
This guy's good.
Let's have a photo with this one.
Me? Yeah, come on.
So, you're interested in working for BP? Um, not really.
Don't believe all that stuff you read.
Not everything wrong with the world is our fault.
Yeah, I know.
Some of it's Shell.
Hmm, exactly! Anyway, if the Americans are really upset about the effects of deep water drilling, they should start cycling.
What did you say your name was? Kingsley.
Macauley.
We have similar names.
Mm.
Yeah, sort of Of course it's not an arm.
It looks very arm-y, though.
Which bit of the abattoir is this from, Howard? The animal bit or the industrial accidents area? Leg, yes.
Wing, yes.
Arm, a limb too far, my friend.
I won't eat something that could punch me.
It's 100% probably not an arm.
Oregon, is that you? No, it's us, we're home! What does she mean home? She doesn't fucking live here.
Hey, where were you? Just at the Union.
Yeah, I was talking to Heather.
We were going to go for a run at seven? Yeah, me and Kingsley went for a quick drink because Tuesday's my night, Kingsley! You know the rota.
If you want to see Heather, you wait till Wednesday.
Erm, well, it couldn't be helped, we had some good news.
Are you pregnant? If so, get rid.
Seriously.
Don't even flinch.
Just, get rid.
No.
God, no.
No.
Just, I've been invited to some BP drinks thing at the end of the week.
What! How? Like what "thing"? It's called, Students to Watch.
It's no big deal, although they only select 15 students from the entire country or something.
Oh, he's getting all excited about it.
I'm not, I'm, whatever, maybe I'll go, maybe I won't.
Who knows? Well, presumably you know.
BP? Are you serious? I had a photo taken with a guy and we got talking.
And now you're in the club.
Oooh, now you get to go round killing seabirds and putting bets on which Chinese kids are going to die first in the sweat shops.
I don't think BP have sweat shops so much as petrol stations, but It's the same machine.
BP, Tesco's, Millets, all of 'em, Lush.
You can dress that shit up until it looks all sweet and lovely, but you can't stop it stinking.
Yeah.
I agree with that.
Strongly.
With what? None of us know what she's talking about.
She's basically just saying that you're now nothing but a puppet for the man.
Exactly.
Which man is this? The man The man who runs the whole thing.
The BP CEO is called Bob Dudley.
Not him.
We're talking about the guy behind the guy.
You know, the guy you don't see.
Right.
You mean Executive Director Iain Conn, then? Why are BP even interested in you, Kings? Is it some sort of affirmative action thing because you're poor? I don't know, OK, but they are.
Now let's just all eat some Is that an arm? Would you like some oil on it, Kingsley? Seeing as you love oil so much.
Seeing as you love covering animals in oil.
That's a waste because that's extra virgin You're extra virgin, you virgin-until-really-recently dickhead! Cool.
Well, this has gone really well.
You OK? Yeah, I'm fucking fab.
So, are we going for a run or not? Well, it's night time, and my arm's still a bit sore from OK, God, look! I am sorry that I broke your arm! But Jesus! Can we please get over it! I didn't mean it like that.
Sabine! Oregon's not home so you can have her arm! It may well not be an arm! Where is Oregon, anyway? Hi, Jee.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Tell her I'm still here.
Just in case any emails come in from the States or Exactly.
Tell her I'm here.
OK.
Yeah.
Will do.
OK, thanks.
Bye.
Jee, Jean.
Hi, hi.
It's Oregon, yeah.
I'm also still here.
Is that OK? Yeah, just the Tea Tree shower gel makes it go all tingly.
"Too on message for a Geology student.
" That's what the BP guy said.
Too on message.
What does that mean? I think what he's saying is that you don't really lay down a great vibe.
Well, no, I'm deliberately vibeless.
I'm the minister without vibe.
Look, everyone's got a vibe, Howard.
You know, yours is the whole NHS specs, chronic masturbator, Lord of the Rings fan vibe.
But I don't even like Lord of the Rings! Look, don't sweat it, How.
We don't even need these BP goons to vibe with us because we're mavericks.
We'll make our money by inventing something or money laundering, whatever.
It's just I get excellent exam results and a robust reference from the abattoir, but I lose out to the guy with the better haircut and less memorable handshake.
Why? What's your handshake? Yeah, stop doing that.
This is bonkers! BP give all management a Toyota Avensis and full life insurance! It's what Cobain died for.
I'm just saying, it's interesting.
In the event of my death, you'd receive a payout of ten times my annual salary.
Right, so what you're saying is give up on the dentistry, just marry and then kill you? You joke, but this is a really big opportunity.
I thought you wanted to make music.
I know.
I do, but maybe I could make music and work for BP.
They might have a house band.
Yeah.
I mean it's not exactly how The Prodigy met, is it? In the BP house band.
Well, no, sure but you could see, say, Moby or a couple of Mumfords working there? Yeah, yeah, agreed.
So, you know, it's a dilemma.
What should I do? You genuinely want me to tell you what to do? It's just a huge-y, Heather.
OK.
Well, music's not a reliable industry.
Very few people get a record deal, not many of them get a second album, and even then, the public doesn't hear your stuff because the radio's playing songs by the Black Eyed Peas.
You're right.
Fuck it.
I'm going to be an oil man.
I'm not spending twenty years sucking up to A&R men and trying to get people to stop listening to Jamie Cullum.
I'm going to use this Geology degree to make some bloody money, and then, when I'm rich as fuck, I'll hire the Black Eyed Peas to come to my 40th birthday, but not to play any music or anything, just so that I can tell them that they're shit.
You don't need to still be here, you know.
I can lock up on my own.
I think Jean just appreciates me staying, cos I've got editorial experience, so What? Have you? No, you haven't.
Jean's allocated her funding to the magazine I edit.
So, yes.
I have.
But I wanted to start up a magazine.
That was my idea! You've stolen my idea! Oh, apologies.
Magazines are your idea? Are you going to sue Vogue or something? And Jean said that I could have that funding.
Oh, well.
Guess you can't.
Pancakes.
Anyone for pancakes? Can you believe Heather? Er, yeah.
She made pancakes! Right.
What a fucking bitch? Yeah, I know! Like, I know we're best mates and stuff, but that is not cool.
Pancakes are my thing.
I always make pancakes.
Not for me you don't.
You want pancakes? I'll make you pancakes.
I'll make you so many pancakes, you'll think it's pancake day.
Right.
Look forward to that then.
Where you going? Got a shift at the hotel.
Can I come? Can I do that? Well, I am the boss now, so I kind of can hire people Hire me! You should hire me! Go on, we'll have a wicked time, and we can get away from Heathsley.
Heathsley? Is that Heather and Kingsley? Yeah, Heathsley.
Or Kingthler.
Anyway, please Vod, go on.
Too much flour.
Look at him.
He thinks he's Ryan fucking Reynolds.
I can't believe BP were duped by that slick shit.
Yeah, well, BP can blow me.
I've already started coming up with invention ideas and, I've got to say, they're pretty strong.
What are the ideas? OK, so, the first one is a Tank-copter.
You basically put helicopter blades onto a tank so that it can fly.
Too heavy.
Yeah, I did think that it might be too heavy.
So my next one is an idea for a website, You can't have ?com.
It's got to be .
com.
Well, anyway You go onto howamIlooking?com, and then the computer screen becomes a mirror.
Like an actual mirror.
Can't be done.
Yeah, well, not with that attitude, no.
Not with any attitude.
Any more? OK, and hear me out.
An iPhone that is also a razor.
Won't work.
But look, it's so nearly there.
That's you just doing the noise.
Yeah, I realise that.
But what I'm saying is, please can you help me? I want to get started on the phone/razor, but I'm worried that I'll break my phone.
Right, OK, go to the Computer Sciences Faculty and ask for Sauron.
He's the best programmer there is.
Sauron? Like in Lord of the Rings? I don't know! I haven't seen it! I don't watch films about wizards and magical fucking jewellery! Jesus! Chill out! Tony? Oregon.
Firstly, thank you for agreeing not to sue me for breaking your nose.
Well, you should thank the legal system for being institutionally weighted in favour of women.
Yeah, OK, great.
Secondly, have you spent all your funding? Because I was thinking of setting up a magazine, and I've spent it.
Well, I don't believe you.
Why? Because you think I'm some kind of chaotic, senile flake? Erm It's spent.
Could you maybe ask around and see if there's any more? I see.
You want me to ask around.
Like your pet pig, snuffling in the dirt for truffles.
So, basically, the computer screen turns into a mirror That won't work.
OK, well, what about this? It's not easy.
I know it's not easy.
That is why I'm giving you Ј100 to work out how to do it.
You can count it, if you want.
It's all there.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Go on, count it.
50, 100.
See? I'm not pissing about, Sauron.
This is our passport to planet fucking minted.
Ssh! Oh, my God, this is brilliant! We're in a hotel, for free! Yeah, you get used to that.
Why don't you do the bathroom while I do in here? Yeah, OK.
Wow! Minibar.
Look, Vod! Tiny wine! We're allowed this, right? Not really.
Here's to What's a good nickname for us? Er, the clean The sisters of clean, the clean clan, the cleaning towers of No.
Why don't you work it out while you do the bathroom? Good idea, boss.
Hey, did you hear Heathsley last night? They had a fucking bath together, like they're a football team in the '80s, or something.
It's rank! I've cleaned the loo! Well, you've flushed it.
I might clean the bath by having a bath.
Like, give the bath a bath! OK, so I've found some funding.
Yes! Erm Oh, er Er OK.
You are the best, Tony! You are the bloody best! Yes.
So, have you given the magazine a title yet? Yes.
It's either The Definite Article, or Indefinite Articles, or Present Tense, or OK, because - and they're great names, by the way it might be better if it were called something Jewish.
Oh, right.
Why? Just think it'd be really classy if it were in some way linked to the Jewish faith.
Also, the funding comes from the Jewish Society, so it would help.
Oh.
OK.
Erm, Jewish.
Yeah, OK, why not? Exactly.
I'm glad you're pleased.
I'm thrilled, Tony.
And, erm, I'm really glad that we can be friends again.
Of course we can.
I thought after the whole threatening to sue me and oinking thing That was before.
That was angry Tony.
So who are you now? Now, I'm nice Tony.
I want to put all that behind us.
Great, well, as long as nasty Tony doesn't come back! He won't.
I promise.
We won't even tell him what we're up to.
What the hell are you doing?! I paid you to work, Sauron, not to go out on the mega-lash! I'm only having a half.
I couldn't give a fuck, mate! Go and work on the phone razor! I'm in the middle of a game.
Oh, are you, now? Other people are out there trying to crack the phone razor, as we speak.
I don't want to go home now.
You took my money.
I own you.
Go and work! I still have a fair bit of my Because I figured the suit says, "I mean business", but the tie says, "I also mean fun".
But not so much fun that I stop meaning business.
I mainly mean business.
Yeah, I think that's pretty clear.
I also got 12 business cards from that machine at the station and they clearly mean business.
What? Let me see.
I couldn't work out how to avoid having clip art on it, but it's a calculator, which is businessy.
"Kingsley Owen.
Student.
" What do you reckon? Students shouldn't have business cards.
That's weird.
But I have to wow them.
I think this will wow them.
Like, "Wow, this guy is weird!" Why are you being like this? I'm just following your advice.
I don't remember advising you to buy an ill-fitting polyester suit.
You said I should go all out for the BP thing.
No, I didn't.
I said music was difficult to get into.
I did not tell you to sell your soul away to the oil industry.
You made it very clear what you expected.
If it was up to me, I'd make music and live by the docks in Berlin, or something.
Well, you can't, because Berlin isn't by the sea.
Fine.
Not the docks, then.
The equivalent of the docks.
Right, so you want to live by the Berlin truck terminal? Are we having an argument? Are we now just another one of those couples that argue all the time? This is not an argument.
There is no argument, because you're just being a dick-jerky.
Right.
That's it.
I am now leaving.
Well, this is your house, so you're leaving your own house.
I'm going to a different bit of it where you're not, therefore proving that this is an argument, so piss off! So Have I created a new vibe? Yes, Howard.
Yes, you have.
And, erm, what vibe is this? Sort of special needs, line dancer vibe.
Why did you buy those glasses, and the? I panic bought.
This is the result of panic buying.
Don't take a photo of it! Oh, come on.
It's amazing! You look like a sort of trainee paedo.
Look, just help me! One of youse! Relax, Howard.
Look, tomorrow, we'll take the specs back and return all the clobber to River Island.
How do you know it's from River Island? I just know.
Are you there? I really want to talk to you.
I miss that, I miss talking to you.
Yes? Oh, sorry, I I didn't know you were Josie asked me to swap rooms because she doesn't like your noises.
I lived in Japan for a year, where walls are made of paper, so as long as it's not too loud, I'm fine with it.
So, what do you want to talk about? So then my family moved to Bunnik when I was nine, so I had to change schools, which was pretty traumatic, actually.
They always teased me, they always said, "Sabine zit je tegrienen!" It's like, whining Sabine.
New literary magazine.
Submissions urgently required.
I'll say.
The ones that have come in are shit, frankly.
We'll take submissions on anything.
Love, loss, bar mitzvahs, nature, anything at all.
I mean, all these submissions are by sexually frustrated boys who clearly want to have sex with you.
Oh, come on, Tony, I don't This one about the snake is about sex, the one about the tree is about sex, the one about the man having sex with the woman is about sex.
Are they anti-Semitic? No, but Then they can go in.
Chutzpah? Your magazine's called Chutzpah? Yes.
Meaning audacity in Yiddish.
Oh, yeah? Well, what's this in Yiddish? I imagine it's the same.
Not scared of a little competition, are you, Derek? Oh, it's on.
It is on! Mmm Yeah, I just I need another 30 seconds, OK? A micro-nap.
A power-blink.
You've been asleep for five hours.
I'm sorry, Jose, but you're fired! You can't fire me! We're the Sparkle Sisters! You're treating this place like a fucking hotel! Stop eating those! You've eaten 65 pillow chocolates in the past two days.
Well, you've become everything that you hate, do you know that? Crushing the little guys.
The little guys who love the little chocolates because they fit perfectly in their little tummies.
Bollocks! Take a chocolate, then.
Yeah, but they come out of our wages, so What are you doing in here? Oh, I left my paper clip.
Yeah, here it is, look.
Argh! Maybe we get you some soft ones.
What do you mean, soft ones? There is something touching my eye.
It wouldn't matter if it was cotton wool, it would still feel like boiling shrapnel, because it's on my actual eye! Why are you wearing lenses? What? Why do you think, Kingsley? The same reason that Ed Miliband got work done on his adenoids, because life is a struggle for people like me.
It may be all right for you, with all your corporate parties and Cava, poster boy! I just got an invite, I'm not their fucking poster boy! No? Well, check out the Geology Faculty noticeboard! I believed in you, Sauron.
It's too difficult.
Of course it's not.
Look.
No, you don't need to demonstrate it again.
I understand the concept, I'm just saying it can't be done.
If you try and develop this without me, I will end you! I am not your Winklevosses! Do you hear me?! It's just so gay.
I guess that's the point, but, no, not for me.
How is it this glossy? It's going to make Chutzpah look like it's printed on bog roll.
Oregon, it's about content, not expensive colour printing.
Well, you said our content was shit.
Well, yes, but So basically, our magazine is just shit-covered bog roll.
Oh, Oregon.
This is just a dip.
In all creative endeavours, there are moments of Shakespeare probably finished Henry IV and was like, "Christ! How many more Henrys are there?" Come here.
No, no, don't.
I I don't need a hug.
A friendly hug.
A nice, friendly hug.
You're in it as well.
As a bystander.
I'm clearly standing by.
Hey, Kingsley, erm, I'm going to need your invite to the BP do.
How much? I take it the MOD didn't order a battalion of Tank-copters! Yeah, well, it turns out I'm the only one with any bloody vision in this country.
So, Kingsley, mate? They've airbrushed out my soul patch! Look.
They can't do that! Oh, yeah, I mean, that is outrageous.
I knew it! They just want some drone.
They want me to sell my soul to the devil.
I think they want you to sell your soul patch to the devil.
I'm not an oil man.
They can stick their internship up their arse.
Exactly! So give me the invite.
Come on.
I'm what BP want.
No, you're not.
Well, of course I am.
What's a tension-leg drilling platform then? It's a type of platform.
What does BP stand for? Britain Petrol.
Wrong.
OK, Howard, you may have more actual facts than me, but I've got stuff that BP need.
Like what? People with my accent make foreigners shit themselves.
If I'd been born 40 years ago, I'd be running India.
India was independent 40 years ago.
Well, maybe if I'd been around, it wouldn't be.
Howard, you should have it.
Kings! I repeated what you said about Americans taking up cycling.
That's why I got this.
That was my comment.
You stole my comment! I'm sorry.
You don't need to be more like me.
If anything, I should be more like you.
Well, now.
In that case Argh! Gentlemen Howard? Er, listen - er, any chance of getting me into that BP thing? He put a penis in Lips! Sorry? Derek.
He put an image of a male penis in his magazine and I found a university statute from the '70s explicitly banning photos of male penises! Right, well - thanks for coming round to let me know, but, erm, I've got a fair bit to get on with.
Oregon, it's been closed down.
I got his magazine closed down! Oh, my God! That's brilliant! Ha-ha! I know! We crushed gay and lesbian fiction! No, Tony, don't.
Oh, come on.
No - I said no! Do you know how hard I've been working on this? That doesn't mean we can have sex again! It bloody should! I've been going over statutes all night for you! Do you have any idea how dull that is? Well, I thought we were friends.
I mean, what happened to nice Tony? Oh, wake up! There is no nice Tony.
There's just this one, this car-crash of a man who gets his nose broken and has genre-defying homosexual magazines closed down because he thinks there might be a shag in it! And if you think that sort of behaviour sounds pathetic, try and imagine how I feel about it! Hi, it's me again.
I'm sorry for shouting at you.
I'm not going to the BP thing.
It's not for me.
I'm not an oil man.
I realise that now.
I'm a musician.
Shut up, Sabine! Wait for me! What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing, more like? I'm his plus one, not you! No, I mean, what the fuck are you doing in a dress? Oh, I know.
It's Oregon's.
I hate it.
I feel like I'm off to marry Bryan Ferry or something.
You're fit! I can't deal with you being fit.
Change back.
You don't have to deal with it.
You won't be there.
You don't have an invite.
This is my invite.
This little bastard gets me in anywhere.
Come on.
Are you drinking in the dark? Not any more.
Hi, there.
Do you have your invite? Oh, yes.
Invite, please, sir.
Oh, dear! I appear to have left my invite on my desk, at BP headquarters.
You work for BP? Well, BP works for me.
It's invite only, sir.
Who's next? No, wait.
Silly me, here it is.
Here's my invite.
No, sir, that's Ј50.
Which is half an invite.
Look, has Heather spoken to you at all? What about? We had an argument and she won't return my calls.
Yeah, funnily enough, I've actually got better things to do than to sort out your relationships with my friends.
OK.
OK, forget it.
I got fired, by the way.
Thanks for asking.
Fired from what? Vod gave me a job, then fired me.
I'm useless, apparently.
What? No, of course you're not! You don't need to worry about job stuff now.
It'll all be fine.
Yeah, well, it probably seems like that to you, oil man! Your life's sorted, so I'm not going to that BP thing.
I gave my invite to Howard.
Why? I don't just want to take the first thing that comes along.
I want to experience life first - find out who I am.
You're a knob.
Right, thanks - good one.
Look - do you know how many people under 24 are unemployed? About 20% - and it's only going up.
You can't afford to take your sweet time over this.
When we leave this place, it's going to be fuckin'Darwinian out there.
So if there's something you want, that you want to be part of your future, then then you have to go after it right now.
Otherwise you might not get it.
Do you understand? Yeah.
Hi.
You didn't go? No, I couldn't, I was worried about us and I'm sorry.
I'm I'm really sorry.
The whole action of drilling for oil is very erotic.
Completely.
I find it erotic.
Mmm.
Must be an amazing feeling finding a gusher.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's it's wonderful.
I mean, I don't locate new wells personally, but, yeah, it's, er Sorry, what's your name? Violet.
Right.
You weren't at the careers thing, were you? No.
I don't get up early enough for that.
Because you could be exactly what we're looking for.
Hello.
Erm, I'm also here.
I'm Howard.
I'm with her.
Right.
Sorry, have we met? Er Yes, erm, at the geology fair, er, a guy made a comment about people taking up cycling if they don't like the oil industry? Right, Kingsley.
Yeah, erm, but it was actually my comment.
I'd said it to him.
I was a victim of comment theft.
It was a good comment.
I have got loads more OK, listen, I'm what you're looking for.
JP, piss off! Excuse me? I can help you people.
I'm a pioneer.
I don't give a flying fuck about native American land rights.
I'd drill anywhere.
I'd drill through an orphanage on the fucking moon! Seriously, you need me.
BP need to stop saying sorry and grow some balls.
Well, I'm those balls.
He thought that BP stood for Britain Petrol.
Yeah, and I checked the website.
I was extremely close on both words.
OK, guys, please just calm down.
If you're friends of Violet, then you're friends with me.
Ye We are very good friends with Violet.
OK, so - let's get drinks.
Talk internships.
Yes, please! That would be great.
I just wanted to thank BP for putting on such a good spread.
And to say well done for making a fortune flogging something that occurs naturally and therefore can't belong to anyone.
Hear, hear! JP, no! And let's hope there aren't any more accidents that Fuck! Oh, no! I'm so sorry, it was just an accident! Oh, Jesus.
Ignore it.
Pretend it never happened! Call security! Get her out of here! Actually, we don't know her that well.
Carry on stuffing your faces with sausages.
Ignore the oil spill! Who is she? Do you know her? I don't know her.
Get rid of these two as well! Vod! That is too loud! I made pancakes! Someone come and eat one of my fuckin' pancakes! I will have a pancake!