Friends s02e03 Episode Script

So how was Joan? Broke up with her.
Oh, why? Don't tell me.
Because of the big nostril thing? They were huge! When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
They were not that huge.
I'm telling you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.
How many women will you reject over superficial, insignificant things Hold it.
I gotta side with Chandler on this one.
When I first moved here, I went out with this girl.
Really hot.
Great kisser but she had the biggest Adam's apple.
Drove me nuts.
-You or me? -I got it.
Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
You guys are messing with me, right? Yeah.
We are! That's a good one.
For a second there, I was like, whoa! The One Where Heckles Dies You name one woman that you broke up with for an actual real reason.
Maureen Rasillo.
Because she doesn't hate Yanni is not a real reason.
Hello, Mr.
Heckles.
You're doing it again.
We're not doing anything.
You're stomping.
It's disturbing my birds.
You don't have birds.
I could have birds.
We'll try to keep it down.
Thank you.
I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
All right, bye-bye.
Okay, Janice.
Give me Janice.
That wasn't about being picky.
We'll give you Janice.
I miss Janice, though.
Hello, Chandler Bing! Oh, my God! Oh, Chandler! Now! Now! That's it.
There! Faster! Stop with the broom! We're not making noise! We won.
We did it! Mr.
Heckles! -How did this happen? -He was sweeping.
They found a broom in his hand.
-That's terrible.
-I know.
I was sweeping yesterday.
It could've been me.
Sweeping.
You never know.
Never know.
It's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building.
Go into the light, Mr.
Heckles! Okay, Phoebe.
I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help.
Here we go.
That's fine, go ahead and scoff.
There are a lot of things I don't believe in but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Such as? Like crop circles or the Bermuda Triangle or evolution.
What, you don't believe in evolution? Not really.
You don't believe in evolution? I don't know.
It's just, you know.
Monkeys, Darwin, it's a nice story.
I just think it's a little too easy.
"Too easy"? Too The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is "too easy"? Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Excuse me.
Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe.
Evolution is scientific fact, like the air we breathe Iike gravity.
Don't get me started on gravity.
You don't believe in gravity? Well, it's not so much that, you know, I don't believe in it.
Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
Pushed.
It's lsaac Newton and he's pissed.
There she is.
And over there, that's the other one.
This is Mr.
Buddy Doyle, Heckles' attorney.
He'd like to talk to you.
What can we do for you? All right, kids, here's the deal.
According my client's will he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine.
" What about his family? He didn't have any.
Okay, so let's talk money.
All right, there was none.
Now, let's talk signing.
You be noisy girl number one.
You be noisy girl number two.
I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us.
Isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life without even knowing it? Would you look at this dump? He hated us! This was his final revenge! I've never seen so much crap! Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.
Check this out.
Can I have this? How can you not believe in evolution? I don't know, just don't.
Look at this funky shirt! Pheebs, I've studied evolution my entire adult life.
And we've collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species.
I mean, you can literally see them evolving through time.
Really? You can actually see it? You bet! In the U.
S.
, China, Africa, all over! See, I didn't know that.
Well, there you go.
So now the real question is, who put those fossils there and why? Look at this! My Big Book of Grievances.
Hey, there's me! "April 1 7th, excessive noise Italian guy comes home with a date.
" You're in here too.
"April 1 8th, excessive noise Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry cleaning.
" Well, that's excellent.
Look at this lamp.
Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
I think we have enough regular lamps.
What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girlie clock or anything.
Which, by the way, I also think is really cool.
Look, it doesn't go with any of my stuff.
Well, what about my stuff? You don't have any stuff.
You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? Yes, you do.
You think of it as your apartment and I just rent a room.
While you "mmm" on that, I'll go find a place for my new lamp.
Okay, Pheebs.
See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs! Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs? Maybe the Overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Tell me you're joking.
Look, can't we say that you believe in something and I don't? -No, Pheebs, we can't.
No, what's that all about? What is this obsessive need to make everybody agree with you? I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Is there blood coming out of my ears? Check it out.
Heckles' high-school yearbook.
He looks so normal! He's even kind of cute.
"Heckles, you crack me up in science class.
You're the funniest kid in school.
" -Funniest? Heckles? -That's what it says.
Heckles was voted class clown, and so was l.
He was right! Would you listen to that? I'd call that excessive.
What? Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet.
He was in the scale modeler's club and I was There was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
So? You were both dorks.
Big deal.
I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me Heckles and me.
Me Me and Heckles.
Hey, would you knock it off! Have you been here all night? Look at this.
Pictures of all the women Heckles went out with.
Look what he wrote on them.
"Vivian, too tall.
" "Madge, big gums.
" "Too loud.
" "Too smart.
" "Makes noise when she eats.
" This is me.
This is what I do.
I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
Heckles was a nut case.
Our trains are on the same track.
I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same.
Bitter Town Alone-ville, Hermit Junction! You know what we gotta do? Get you out of here.
I'll buy you breakfast.
What if I never find somebody? Or worse, what if I found her but I dumped her because she pronounces it, "supposably"? Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.
How do you know that? How? I don't know.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You guys will all get married and I'll end up alone.
Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays? I don't know what we'll be doing.
I mean, what if we're over at her folks' place? Yeah, I understand.
You can come over and watch the Super Bowl.
Every year, all right? You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this.
I'll see you, man.
"Supposably.
" Supposably! Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.
Hi.
It's me.
Oh, my God! Janice? You called Janice? Yes.
Janice.
Why is that difficult to comprehend? You remember Janice, right? Yes.
She was smart, she was pretty and she honestly cared about me.
Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
Oh, my God! Jeez, look how fat she got.
-Hey, it's everybody! -Hi, Janice.
Janice, you're.
Yes, I am.
-ls it? -ls it yours? You wish, Chandler Bing! You are looking at a married lady now.
Congratulations.
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
You couldn't tell me on the phone? And what? Miss the expression on your face? Oh, no! Janice likes to have her fun! You know what we haven't played in a while? Hide the lamp.
Monica, let it go.
Did you know I'm allergic to shellfish? Then you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
It's scary scientist man.
Okay, Phoebe, this is it.
In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts.
A briefcase of facts, if you will.
Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
Before you even start, I'm not denying evolution.
It's just one of the possibilities.
It's the only possibility.
Ross, could you just open your mind, like, this much? Didn't the brightest minds in the world believe the Earth was flat? And up till 50 years ago, you thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this whole mess of crap came out.
Are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny, tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? There might be a teeny tiny possibility.
I can't believe you caved.
You just abandoned your whole belief system! Before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you.
But.
How are you gonna go into work tomorrow? How are you going to face the other science guys? How are you going to face yourself? That was fun.
So who's hungry? I am.
Me too.
Let me just get my coat.
What happened? It was an accident, I swear.
I was putting on my jacket and the thing and the lamp and it broke.
Oh, please, Monica! You've always hated my lamp! And now all of a sudden, it's just magically, it's just broken? Phoebe, tell her? I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket.
But I want to believe you.
Hey, Chandler.
Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Neat.
I'm gonna die alone! Okay, you win.
Chandler, you are not gonna die alone.
Janice was my safety net, okay? And now I have to get a snake.
Why is that? If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing.
You know, a hook.
Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face.
So I figure I'll be "Crazy Man With A Snake.
" Crazy Snake Man.
Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies.
Kids will run past my place! "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout! You've got to get over this.
You won't end up alone.
Of course I will.
I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me and then I bitch that there aren't any great women out there.
You have just described virtually every man that we've ever gone out with.
You are not a freak.
You're a guy.
She's right.
You're no different than the rest.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Yes, he is.
You are totally different.
In a bad way? No, honey, in a wonderful way.
You know what you want now.
Most guys don't even have a clue.
You're ready to take risks, be vulnerable and intimate with someone.
You're not gonna end up alone.
You called Janice.
That's how much you wanted to be with someone! -You've made it! -You're there! You are ready to make a commitment! Don't know about that! What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break? I know you like this and I want you to have it.
It'll look good in our apartment.
Thank you.
That's fine.
You'll all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night.
This woman Allison from work.
She is great.
She's pretty, she's smart.
And I've been holding off asking her out in the past, because she has a unusually large head.
But I'm not going to let that stuff hang me up anymore.
Look at me.
I'm growing.
You can't recycle yearbooks, can you? I'll take that.
You want his yearbook? Some people said nice things about him.
Somebody should have it.
Gosh, this is so weird.
His whole life was in this apartment and now it's gone.
I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments for Mr.
Heckles.
He was kind of a pain.
He was, but he was a person.
You're all going to hell.
It's really not that big! -Taking that with you, huh? -Oh, yeah.
You coming? In a second.
Goodbye, Mr.
Heckles.
We'll try to keep it down.
My major was useless.
How often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher Wanted"? Sure.
My God, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office.
Maybe it's the lighting.
My head must look like a golf ball at work.
Don't get hung up on it.
Quick! List five things you like about her.
Nice smile, good dresser.
Big head, big head, big head!