Friends from College (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Okay, this is everything to sign, wherever there's a tag, and we're done.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, come on, Lisa.
Don't How am I going to know where to sign? You're delaying the divorce by making it harder for me to sign.
You get that, right? - Is this even legal? - To remove the tabs? Yeah.
Are you okay? Oh.
You don't have to worry about me anymore, you're free.
You can move on with your life.
I know I am.
Peace! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Pretty devastating for me, but I guess for you it's just another Tuesday.
Oh, I wish it was Wednesday.
That much closer to the weekend.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Alright, you can hit me.
- You know you can hit me.
Oh! - No.
Yes! Right in the nuts! Below the belt! That grazed my dick a little bit.
Can I interrupt for a minute? Oh, yeah, if this is about the pillows, that was totally his idea.
It wasn't.
- It wasn't - Come on.
You were like, "Let's do the pillow fight.
" and I was like, "No, dude, don't.
" Of course it's wonderful to have this energy here.
Listen, I'm hosting a small dinner party tonight and I have some friends that I would love you to meet.
But I know it's last minute, so I won't be offended if you can't make it.
Yeah.
I'll swing by.
Oh, wonderful.
I'm, uh I'm so pleased.
- 7:00? - Yeah.
- You need me to bring anything? - Oh, no, it's not necessary.
It's being catered.
- But if the spirit moves you.
- Okay.
Are your friends into onion dip? Um Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Actually they prefer jalapeño poppers.
[LAUGHING.]
Alright.
Okay.
Sure.
Done and done.
[HEELS CLACKING.]
Hiya, big boy.
Charlie? [PASSES GAS.]
- [GASPS.]
- Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
I was trying to surprise you.
Mission accomplished.
What's with the trench coat? - Oh, shit! - Oh, this old thing? Was this gonna be a sexy surprise thing? I've always had that fantasy.
Oh.
Then you were gonna be disappointed anyway.
Ta-da! - What is this? - I wanna join you for weekend soccer.
But you always make fun of me and my friends for that shit, remember? - "Enjoy your recess"? - I want to enjoy recess as well.
Don't you want me to play soccer with you? - You're always saying.
- Yes! I'm so pumped, really? - Yeah! - Oh! - Oh.
- Jogo bonito.
- What does that mean? - The beautiful game, try it.
- Oh, okay.
- Jogo bonito! Jogo bonito! [TRILLS TONGUE.]
Jon took the kids this morning for his half of the week.
And I'm going to be at home without them for the first time ever.
How do you feel about that? It's gonna be a ghost town.
Should I stay in? I mean, if I stay in, it's gonna be depressing.
Should I go out? Crash a book club? Book a hotel with Ethan? Is that something you've been considering? What? No! It was a joke.
Do they beat the sense of humor out of you in your PhD program? I'm just trying to figure out what to do tonight.
Oh, you know what? That's what you can tell me, is what to do tonight.
Is it possible that you're transferring your anxiety about your separation onto your plans for this evening? [IMITATES BUZZER.]
Wrong answer.
In or out? Out.
In.
Out, in, out, in, out In! Stay in.
You would say that.
[SIGHS.]
Guy walks into a therapist's office.
"Am I a teepee or a wigwam? Am I a teepee or a wigwam? Am I a teepee, am I a wigwam? Am I a teepee or a wigwam?" Therapist says, "You're too tense.
" What? Well, just earlier you had said I didn't have a sense of humor.
I love jokes.
I mean, jokes can be a kind of therapy.
I just don't often bring them into my practice, but I really believe in their power to heal.
Hey, Marianne.
What are you up to tonight? Max.
I don't know Max.
I don't know.
It feels kinda young.
You said young and hip.
That's why we came to this store.
- So, wait a second.
This is cool? - Yeah, it's fast fashion.
You just wear it for as long as it's cool, and then you throw it away and you destroy the Earth.
- Are the pants shorts? - Are they shorts or pants? Can I Excuse me.
You know how young these kids are? - Gray hair is cool.
- You know, I like this sweater.
You know, I like this It's so tight.
You look like a French sailor.
You know, Max, it feels really soon for me to be dating again.
I literally just signed my divorce papers.
After beating yourself up for like a year.
If it helps, don't think about it as a date.
- Okay? - Yeah, that's good, because I can't.
I can't think about it as a date, it terrifies me.
Alright, think about it, we're going out to dinner with one of my clients.
It's just so exhausting, Max.
To tell all of your old stories again to a complete stranger.
Dead man's shoes? Who wants to hear dead man's shoes again? I wanna hear dead man's shoes.
I love that story.
Could hear that a thousand times, it's one of your best.
No, no, no.
- I love that I do love - No! - It's a good story.
- No, that hat! I do not want to date in a world where a person can wear that hat.
It's Max Moda by Justin Theroux.
He's really cool.
- Jesus Christ.
- It looks good in the mirror.
Put it away.
What do you think? Does this look like a double XL to you? I don't know what size it is, but it's the right one.
The war's over.
Slim cut won.
- I look like a white sausage.
- I feel like it's very slimming.
You're right.
No, you're right.
This is it.
I like it.
- What's not to like? You look fantastic.
- I'm gonna take it.
- Good.
- And it's only $5.
- Great.
- Sold.
We're good.
- It was too tight.
- Yeah.
But it looks good in front now.
That's what it needed.
Now you just throw on a blazer.
- Jogo bonito! - [ALL.]
Jogo bonito! What's up? [CHEERING.]
- Guys, this is Lisa.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- She's a little Severino for the day.
You play college ball or just high school? Elementary, mainly, I'm really bad.
I look athletic, but I am not Sure, you're not.
- She's gonna be fine, gonna be great.
- Okay, guys, let's warm up.
- [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Drill! - Alright, drill, drill, drill! This looks intense.
Maybe I should watch No, no, no, it's cash, it's cash.
Come on! Hustle the fuck on! - Go, go, go! - Put that down, let's go.
- Let's jump in.
- Okay.
- So what do you do? - I'm a trauma surgeon.
Oh, wow! That's so cool! Bet you have, like, really crazy stories.
I'm sorry.
I gotta focus on the game.
- Okay.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Here we are.
- Pick it up.
Pick it up.
Here, Liz, to me.
Back to me.
[WOMAN CHEERS.]
Doctor in the house! [DOCTOR.]
All right! - Sorry.
She just - God damn it! - She knocked me down.
I don't even - No, no.
It's not your fault, it's not your fault.
Just Why were you trying to have a conversation with her in the middle You know what, we're cool.
It's good.
Here we go.
Fuck! Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Ahh! Alright! Lawyer in the court.
This is the gavel, I am a lawyer.
Handball, that's a P-kick.
- Wait, what? What's a P-kick? - Yeah.
Penalty kick.
It's alright, Lis, - it's not your fault, it's just a game.
- I know that.
Cool, fuck.
Shit.
Here we go.
But that was all body, I didn't touch it.
Bro.
It hit your arm.
That's a handball.
It's all connected, Lis.
It's kind of confusing.
- It's fine.
- It didn't hit my arm.
You sure? You sure it wasn't incidental? I just said, it wasn't a handball, why don't you believe me? 'Cause it kind of looked like a handball, - and we try to be our best selves here.
- Yeah.
She knocked me down! No one was trying to be their best self then! Babe, why don't you calm down? Go get some water or something, cool off.
- It's gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I need to cool down.
Get real cool.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Hey! Hey, hey! What are you doing here, honey? Oh, where are your parents, huh? Hello, is this Is this anybody's baby, it's a girl I think.
I'll help you, I'm a lawyer.
Hey, let's see what's here.
Oh, my God, your baby is so beautiful.
She has your face.
- She does? - The eyes and nose.
It's uncanny.
Get something to eat? Let's see if there's some food.
Oh, look, look, look! Hey lady! What are you doing with our son? I [STAMMERING.]
I just found him outside, just all alone.
He must have wandered.
Why didn't you wait there? He was hungry.
What was he doing outside all by himself? - I don't know how this happened.
- You were on your phone! Thank you.
Thank you for taking such good care of him.
It's all This is Here's Thank you.
[BOTH SPEAKING IN YIDDISH.]
Thank you again.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I don't owe you an explanation.
Oh, my God, thank God you came.
- There's a weird energy here.
- Yeah! Hey, Giorgio, you have a table for three? Of course, Mrs.
Delmonico.
- I'll have a table for you momentarily.
- Thank you.
- Hi! - Hi, nice to see you.
Good to see you, too.
- What's up? - You guys Sam! Mark and I heard that you and Jon are splitting up.
If there is anything that you need, we're here.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- Come here.
- It's gonna be okay.
- Aren't you sweet? - Thank you.
- Of course.
- Have a good night.
- Thank you.
Aw.
It's great you have so much support in the neighborhood.
Are you fucking kidding me? She just had a fucking pity orgasm.
Fuck her! You witnessed the best moment of that woman's life.
She's doing cartwheels in her mind right now.
- Fuck that bitch.
- She seemed really nice.
Grow up, you loser.
That woman's a fucking monster.
That kind of behavior is why women hate other women.
- Amen.
- Guys, I don't know if I can stay here.
I can't go anywhere without people making sad faces at me.
It's like everywhere I go: the gym, the kids' school, the dry cleaner Look at you! Look at your face.
- You are doing it right now.
- I'm sorry.
It's just so sad.
It's like I'm gonna have to leave New York, but I can't move.
I have totally blown up my life and now I have nothing.
- You have us.
- It's a bummer.
I mean, yeah, you have us.
God, I should have just stayed in.
Stop worrying.
You can do anything you want tonight.
Isn't there something fun about that? - Yeah.
Come on! - Let's celebrate! Alright, fine.
But I reserve the right to bail at any moment without warning.
- You always do.
- Classic Sam goodbye.
What's that? It's like, when we're all out together, and suddenly you're not there.
Like we're not worthy of your presence or common courtesy of a goodbye.
Oh, yeah.
I do that.
So what do you want to do? I say we walk downtown and see what happens.
That's like 60 blocks.
Perfect.
I mean What are we gonna do? We're already doing it.
- It's not about the destination.
- I know, it's about the journey.
- No, it's not about that either.
- It's about getting some weed.
Let's get that weed.
Where we gonna get that weed? In my pocket.
Sorry I'm late.
It's really hard to get rolling in these clothes.
Ethan, baby! - Are you drunk? - Me? - Yeah.
- Well, you know, Felix is out of town, and I've also been kinda dieting for the wedding.
Thanks for noticing.
- You look great.
- You noticed? You like that? Good.
So, like, one or two drinks goes really to my head.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Uh - Are you ready for your date? - What? You said this wasn't a date.
It's gonna be great.
Just be your normal charming self.
Okay? - [YELPS.]
- Ah! Oh, my God! [MAX CHUCKLES.]
- Joanna! Oh my God! - I'm so sorry! - It's fine, it's totally fine.
- I'm so sorry.
Joanna! - Hi! - Hi, how are you? Oh, you really just got it, right? - Yeah.
Hi, I'm Joanna.
- I'm sorry - Joanna, it's nice to meet you.
- Yes.
- This is very nice, you guys - Are you drunk? - What're you gonna do? - I think the table's ready.
That's good.
Okay, yeah.
Party is all here.
Fantastic.
- Nice.
- The date is on, bro! The date is on! - Did you buy that fucking hat? - Yep! Everyone's so young down here.
Nice weed! Was that teenager judgmental about our weed? What does that even mean? Was she pro-weed or anti-weed? - I don't know.
- Oh! She thinks we suck.
- Ohh.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
- We need to find our own kind.
- What if we're all that's left? Oh, don't look now.
We have to go there.
This bitch gets it.
I love girls' night out! [POLISH DANCE-POP PLAYS.]
People are smoking inside.
Did we go back in time? Are they ghosts or are we ghosts? I don't know that we should be here.
So then my grandmother said, "No son of mine is gonna wear a dead man's shoes.
" - Wow, that's crazy! - Dead man's shoes.
We should do a greatest hits right now.
No, it's her turn to tell me a story.
- Go.
- Do I have to tell a story? You 100% do not have to tell me a story.
Thank you, I'm so tired of telling my stories.
Are you kidding me? Same here! By the way, I loved Boy Horse.
- Yeah, Max sent me the galleys.
- Oh, thanks.
And I thought it was hilarious.
How did you take something that's so old and fussy as centaurs, and make it young? You definitely You know.
It's a process.
I came up with the idea.
It's Oh, I didn't know you guys worked on it together.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
- What Quit it! Quit it.
If he's talking about writing, what he means is he helps me come up with the ideas, but you know, that's the way Max is, he's very hands on.
Yeah I mean, he's kinda hands off with me, but No, I totally get that, - when you have - 'Cause she's one of those writers that writes her own stuff, so - I don't have to be so hands on.
- Hey, Max.
- Would you do me a kindness? - Yeah? Would you have something to eat, please? Hey, Ethan, do you feel you should wear a tuxedo at your wedding that you can't fit into right now? That was tailored aspirationally? Hey, are you guys bored? I am so bored.
- You bored? - Yeah.
I wanna go dance.
Okay, let's do it.
Let's go dancing.
- Yes! She's the best dancer! - I'm a horrible dancer, really! I'm a terrible dancer too, we should definitely go dancing.
I was dreamin' when I wrote this Forgive me if it goes astray But when I woke up this mornin' Could've sworn it was judgment day Say, say, two thousand zero zero Party over, oops, out of time So tonight I'm gonna party Like it's 1999 I was dreamin' when I wrote this So sue me if I go too fast [POLISH DANCE POP PLAYS.]
- I gotta pee.
- What? Wait Oh.
Oh, no.
Hello? Hey, I'm locked in a closet! Hello? Hey, I'm in the closet! [MUFFLED SNORT.]
Oh, God.
I'm so high, I can't Oh, shit.
Help! Hey! Hey! Sir? Sir! Hey! Oh, that is so gross.
He - Have you seen Sam? - She pulled a "Sam goodbye.
" Classic.
Nick! I got a thing I've got to swing by, so - Should we Citi Bike uptown? - I mean, yeah.
Nick! - Hey.
- Hey.
- I am so sorry about - Charlie, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
It was Are you in a different jersey? Jerry and I trade at the end of the game, so we give them back at work.
Why? The pageantry.
Look I become a different person out there, on the soccer field, for some reason.
I get very self-righteous and I - Charlie, it's fine.
- I shouldn't said all that - It's really It's fine.
- All that about No.
Um I need to talk to you about something, and, uh - It's hard for me to talk about.
- Oh, God.
I screwed up, okay? I'm an idiot, you know.
Don't break up with me 'cause I'm an idiot, though.
Like - No.
- No, no, no.
- No, you're not, Charlie.
- Don't break up with me.
- You're not an idiot, it's - I am.
Look you know that I tried to have kids for a really long time, and I was never able to.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um I wanna try doing IVF again, and I wanna do it with you, if you want to do it with me.
I know this is really fast and it's probably out of the blue That's a "yes.
" - Really? - Yes! Also I I cheated.
Thank you.
Such a handball.
So clear.
But you are forgiven.
Champagne! This is exciting.
We'll be parents! I mean, I told him.
I'm gonna be a daddy.
I can't believe it! Do we have champagne? - Oh, you came! Everyone, this is Nick.
- What's up? - How's it going? I'm Nick.
- Hey.
Um, this is my friend.
Sorry about the bikes, we probably should have left them in the hallway.
We're super high.
- Better late than never, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
So Oh, what's up, dude? I know that dude.
It's why I invited him.
Is this an intervention? Madam, may I have some Flamin' Hot Cheetos? Oh.
I'm, um I'm not sure.
Let's see what we can find.
- Alright, cool.
- Cool.
I'll just put it here.
I'm sorry.
The night got away for me, but I'm here now so - Your friends seem cool.
- Do you have any idea how humiliating that was for me? Here I am, telling everyone about you, and then you show up four hours late with some rando.
Well, that's Marianne.
I know I I said I'd swing by and I swung by.
At this point in my life, I'm not really looking for a "swing by" relationship.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Oh, man.
- Oh, man.
That was awesome! - Can't hear anything.
- I feel like it's still ringing.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna walk home.
- It was lovely meeting you.
- Really nice meeting you.
This was fun.
Take care.
- I'll talk to you next week.
Bye.
- Okay.
- Bye.
See you later.
- Bye-bye.
What happened? I thought this was going great.
Yeah, she's cool.
- What's wrong? - You don't wanna know.
I don't want to know? It's the Sam bullshit? Ethan, you gotta move on.
It's not senior year anymore.
Expand your dating pool beyond the Dunster House B entryway.
Okay, I understand what you saying.
I feel you can move forward and you just getting pulled back into, like, the morass of Ethan and Sam.
You're trying to get pulled out and it just sucks you back in.
It's like you're Vietnam.
Viet-Sam.
I understand your point, I get the analogy.
- Ho Chi Sam trail.
- Okay.
- I get it.
- Don't walk down that trail.
- I understand.
- It's not Charlie, it's Sam.
I'm just not ready to date.
I told you that beforehand.
- I should've listened.
Yes.
- You should've listened.
- Alright, well - [PHONE BUZZES.]
Wait, I'm blowing up.
I'm blowing up.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, shit! - What? "I'm on my way home.
" Felix.
- Felix? - He's coming home early.
- Get home.
- He doesn't like when He likes charming drunk, like, fun.
And not He says I get belligerent and handsy.
Okay, Ethan.
- Let's get you home.
- Felix is handsy.
- Okay, bye.
Love you.
- Bye-bye.
- [MAX BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
- Quit it, man! - Would you quit it? I hate that so much! - Belligerent and handsy.
Alright.
- I'm so hungry.
- I bet you are.
I should have had something to eat.
- Yes.
- At the honeymoon! Okay, man.
Love you.
["BRICK" BY BEN FOLDS FIVE PLAYS.]
6:00 a.
m.
, day after Christmas I throw some clothes on in the dark The smell of cold Car seat is freezing The world is sleeping I am numb Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thank you, so much.
Someone peed in there.
Just Thank you.
Good night.
And we drive Now that I have found someone I'm feeling more alone Than I ever have before She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly They call her name at 7:30 I pace around the parking lot I walk down to buy her flowers And sell some gifts that I got Can't you see It's not me you're dying for And now she's feeling more alone Than she ever has before She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast, and I'm headed nowhere She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly