Funny Woman (2023) s02e03 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 3
1
The following programme
contains strong language.
# RITA PAVONE: Il Geghege
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SIREN APPROACHES)
(GUNSHOT)
(GUNSHOT)
(SONG CONTINUES)
I'm feeling rather disappointed.
I'm feeling rather disappointed.
Miss Straw persuaded me,
against my better judgement,
to bring you, Mr Gardiner, and um
(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.
(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.
Back to Television Centre,
and let her into the writing room.
It has clearly proved a distraction.
This experiment has not worked.
This experiment has not worked.
We've got loads of great ideas.
Yeah.Show him the cards, Tone.
Er Alright, well
No, no, the other card. Ah.
Mm.
This little holiday is over.
You have no concept, no script,
and currently no Sophie Straw.
You have no concept, no script,
and currently no Sophie Straw.
If you do not deliver
a show ready for air by the 30th,
I will pull the entire project
from the schedule.
And where the hell is she, anyway?
And where the hell is she, anyway?
(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
Kir royale?
It'd be rude not to.
Bottoms up.
Bottoms up.
Pardon?
It means
well, something about
(CLEARS THROAT) ..bottoms.
But it doesn't really travel.
You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.
You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.
I hope you will remember
the making of this film
as a time of
as a time of
intellectual stimulation.
(SIGHS)
Most of the time I've just been
pouting and saying, 'Non.'
pouting and saying, 'Non.'
The way you said it - perfection.
I'm getting all hot and bothered.
I'm getting all hot and bothered.
Would you like to go outside?
You are the most beautiful woman
I have ever met.
You're well above average.
You're well above average.
Oh, you're doing
that look from scene 39.
Are you acting, or?
Are you acting, or?
(SOFTLY) Crikey.
Oh.
Your body is here
..but your heart is across
La Manche, with someone else.
Am I right
Sophie Straw?
Sophie Straw?
There is no-one at home.
I'll show you where my heart is.
These movie stars are always late,
aren't they?
Marilyn Monroe wouldn't turn up
till the end of the week,
and I read Marlon Brando does
turn up, but on a different planet.
and I read Marlon Brando does
turn up, but on a different planet.
Well, maybe Mademoiselle Straw
is never coming back.
You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!
Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'
You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!
Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'
Mine went with,
'Can-can it be love?'
Shit, Den's coming. Hide the papers.
Shit, Den's coming. Hide the papers.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Morning, chaps.
Morning.Good morning.
Not the bin,
that's the first place he'll look!
Den doesn't go through bins.
He's not you.What's that?
Den doesn't go through bins.
He's not you.What's that?
Verrucas.
Uh
Are they funny?
Yeah, er
For the swimming pool ep.
Yeah, er
For the swimming pool ep.
Oh.
(SINGSONGY) I'm back!
Ah.
Hey! Bonjour.
Bonjour, mes amies.
Oh.
Bonjour, mes amies.
Oh.
(BOTTLE CLINKS)
Dennis.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
So, who'd like presents, then?
Ooh!Ooh!
Presents?
For Tony and June, I got
Camembert cheese.
Ooh! Oh, God!
Camembert cheese.
Ooh! Oh, God!
And for Bill
Yes?
Oh.
Is it a shit in a bag?
It's snails.
Is it a shit in a bag?
It's snails.
They're a delicacy.
Hm.
And for Dennis
And for Dennis
..a pair of his-and-hers
cognac glasses.
Um Thank you.
Uh The boys have made progress.
Yeah, while YOU were on holiday.
I was working!
Well, you'll like this one.
I was working!
Well, you'll like this one.
Barbara fancies the lifeguard at
the local pool.But she can't swim.
So she has to take these lessons
with these snotty kids.
So she has to take these lessons
with these snotty kids.
I'm not spending the whole episode
in a swimming cossie.
We were thinking wetsuit,
snorkel and flippers.Mm.
Yeah, that's funny. But, lads
Yeah, that's funny. But, lads
I don't think they'll let us build
a swimming pool in Studio Five.
Alright, fair point, that's one of
Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.
Alright, fair point, that's one of
Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.
Well, maybe the uhnext one.
Barbs has got a crush
on a football fan.
Yeah, she really wants
to impress him with what she knows,
but she can't remember
the rules for offside.
but she can't remember
the rules for offside.
A player is offside if,
when the ball is passed,
he's closer to the opponent's
goal line than both the ball
he's closer to the opponent's
goal line than both the ball
and the second-to-last
opposing player.
Hm.
Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me
a proper Blackpool education.
Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me
a proper Blackpool education.
(GRUNTS)
(NOISY CLATTERING) (CLEARS THROAT)
Another one of Tony's.
Yeah.
Cos Bill's too busy with
his 'book'and his 'agent'
Cos Bill's too busy with
his 'book'and his 'agent'
to give us ideas.Why are
you doing inverted comma fingers?
I have got a 'book' and an 'agent.'
I am having a baby, which fills
my head up quite a lot, actually.
I am having a baby, which fills
my head up quite a lot, actually.
You know, it doesn't
stop me from bringing ideas.
Lads.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know I love your stuff.
You know I love your stuff.
I'm not saying it's not working.
It's just (EXHALES)
..it just feels like
everything Barbara's doing
is because she's chasing a fella.
is because she's chasing a fella.
It was the same with Lanagan
and Curry.Hey, no!Shut up!
No. No.
Fuck off!Lanagan and Curry?
I'm just saying that I think
we need to, you know, find some
modern, original, fresh ideas, and
it's not just about chasing trouser.
modern, original, fresh ideas, and
it's not just about chasing trouser.
# CILLA BLACK: A Man And A Woman
(Un Homme Et Une Femme)
# CILLA BLACK: A Man And A Woman
(Un Homme Et Une Femme)
(BLOWS MELODY OF 'A MAN AND A WOMAN
(UN HOMME ET UNE FEMME)' ON WHISTLE)
(VOCALS IN FRENCH)
(VOCALS IN FRENCH)
Hiya.
Hmm.
What? We're only popping downstairs
to have our tea.
Sorry. Dinner.
Sorry. Dinner.
First, a small, informal party.
Oh.
(GASPS) Ooh.
Can I chooseall of them?
Can I chooseall of them?
I think this one.
(CHUCKLES)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Wow.
Who's this party for, then?
You
You
and a few of my friends.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
The cream of the movie business
is here to meet you.
Hollywood beckons, baby!
Hollywood beckons, baby!
Hey, good to see you.
Yeah, yeah. Hi.
Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,
are in the laundrette
Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,
are in the laundrette
as they watch their washing
go round and round.
I wish we could change the channel.
I wish we could change the channel.
One good win on the horses,
and I'll buy a washing machine.
And a telly.
And you can buy
some more new white shirts.
And you can buy
some more new white shirts.
Why?
Cos you left your red undercrackers
in that wash.
(CHUCKLES) There's my line.
Feel free to blow your own trumpet.
Uh
Feel free to blow your own trumpet.
Uh
Are you having a go?
No, no, no.
It's It's not bad.
Not bad?
(SCOFFS) Can we just Can we just
get on with the next scene?
(SCOFFS) Can we just Can we just
get on with the next scene?
Den, mate, come on, it'sit's
late! You know, I'm not peak energy.
It's bound to sound shit
when it's Tony saying it!
It's bound to sound shit
when it's Tony saying it!
Why are you picking on Tony now?
No, no, fair enough.
How's the book going, mate?
You know how the book's going, mate.
Bill won't be revolutionising
the literary world
any time soon, put it that way.
Oh.
any time soon, put it that way.
Oh.
One minute it's a work of dark,
blistering brilliance, and the next
it's a libel case waiting to happen.
Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too
mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?
Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too
mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?
Mucky? You can talk.
What do you mean?
I've seen you in the papers sucking
face with Jean-Paul.Look, can
we just -Look, enough! Enough!
See, comedy, it's like maths.
And one part of this equation
is completely wrong. Sophie.
And one part of this equation
is completely wrong. Sophie.
You what?
I mean, it's the character.
You what?
I mean, it's the character.
It's not quite right for you.
When Sophie is in full flow, she
has us all in the palm of her hands,
and we're just not getting that now.
and we're just not getting that now.
And it's not your fault, Sophie.
Oh, well, thanks for that, Dennis.
Yeah, obviously it's the writers'
fault.No. This is my fault.
I should never have
let it get this far.
I've been distracted.
And I apologise.
We have all the right ingredients.
But Just Barbara,
it's the wrong recipe.
But apart from the central idea
of the show being fatally flawed,
But apart from the central idea
of the show being fatally flawed,
we're golden, are we?
MARJ: See, it's only
the women who are starkers.
And I bet you any money that's
the geezer who made my granddad
go over the top at the Somme.
go over the top at the Somme.
Don't be rude about
Pandora's objets d'art.
What brings you here, then, Marj?
What brings you here, then, Marj?
So um (CLEARS THROAT)
..can you come to the demo?
It's tricky.
It's tricky.
I would, but my Agent
wants me to stay apolitical.
A political what, chicken?
Marj, can't we just have
a nice drinkie and a natter?
Marj, can't we just have
a nice drinkie and a natter?
Fair do's, yeah.
So, go on. How was your
petit French adventure?
So, go on. How was your
petit French adventure?
(LAUGHS) Well, I didn't
get to do much acting.
Mostly, I was just sat there
being primped and preened
like a prize poodle -
three people just for my hair.
like a prize poodle -
three people just for my hair.
And I had to do loads of press,
but all the papers wanted to ask me
about was Jean-Paul Solo.Oh!
God, what a drag, man!
God, what a drag, man!
And now I'm back on Just Barbara.
I mean
it's so difficult.
Oh, I know.
At least you understand, Marj.
I do.
At least you understand, Marj.
I do.
I mean, I am trying to get
the British bosses
to stop paying women poverty rates,
but you
you are the one
who's really suffering,
you are the one
who's really suffering,
what with your showbiz shindigs
and whatnot!
Well, this is a fun cocktail hour.
Bunking in a flat
that looks like the inside
of Princess Margaret's head,
Bunking in a flat
that looks like the inside
of Princess Margaret's head,
and, oh, working on a comedy show!
Oh, no, wait,
that was your dream, remember?
Oh, you should serve some fish
with them chips on your shoulder.
Oh, you should serve some fish
with them chips on your shoulder.
Coming from
the professional Northerner
with a stick of rock up her arse.
You and your placards.
'What do we want?
Marj to shut her big old gob.
Marj to shut her big old gob.
When do we want it? Now.'
Do you know what?
It's no wonder people
admire your arse so much,
seeing as you can speak out of it.
Oh, do they?
seeing as you can speak out of it.
Oh, do they?
One of my many talents.
(SINGS WITH COCKNEY ACCENT)
Maybe it's because you're a Londoner.
Oh, I can't do any m Oh, my God!
Oh, I can't do any m Oh, my God!
What is that?!Oh, it's just
Samantha. I told you about her.
Just don't be so dramatic!
Oh, sorry. No, sorry,
I didn't realise there were
two snakes living in this flat.
I didn't realise there were
two snakes living in this flat.
Oh, you don't want me on this march.
You just want a celebrity.
Argh, I'm done. I am done.Well,
I haven't finished talking to you.
Well, I've finished
listening to you!
Well, I've finished
listening to you!
Well, give me that coat back,
because it's mine!
Well, you left it there,
so I thought you didn't want it!
No, I do want it, actually,
and it's mine anyway! (SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Cocking hell, what have you done?!
Was that expensive?Uh
Marj, this is not like your flat.
Was that expensive?Uh
Marj, this is not like your flat.
Everything in here is expensive!
Give it a
OK, well, well, where do we get
another one - outer space?
I don't know!
I don't know!
But I know someone who might.
# I wonder if one day that
# I wonder if one day that
# You'll say that you care
# If you say you love me madly
I'll gladly be there
(BELL RINGS)
DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.
(BELL RINGS)
DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.
Right, this is us.
# I wonder if one day that
# I wonder if one day that
# You'll say that you care
# If you say you love me madly
I'll gladly be there
# If you say you love me madly
I'll gladly be there
# Like a puppet on a string
We should look a bit more upmarket.
This is what we need.
# Like a puppet on a
# String #
(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.
I am being Well, put it down.
(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.
I am being Well, put it down.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
Yeah, I know.
JustAs if you haven't
sodding stopped crying about
You know, it was expensive, so
Yeah, I know. You have said.
You know, it was expensive, so
Yeah, I know. You have said.
(SIGHS)
There you go, my darling.
What's up with your mates, then?
They having a 'who can be most
miserable' competition or what?
Actually, they've got a condition.
They're both big babies.
The blonde one -
Oh, no, she just looks like her.
Look, ifif it was my fault
Look, ifif it was my fault
then you can tell her
that I will pay her back my share
at a shilling a week
for the rest of my life.
Diane, can you please tell
the person sitting opposite me
Diane, can you please tell
the person sitting opposite me
that I have paid for the lamp
in full, and that's that?
Even though
it cost about as much as a bungalow.
Even though
it cost about as much as a bungalow.
Oh, my God, did the movie star
have to pay for something
out of her own pocket -
didn't get it for free? Oh!
I can't do anything right.
WOMAN: Greta!
I can't do anything right.
WOMAN: Greta!
Greta! You're on.
What? No, I was on last night.
Where's the stripper?
Couldn't get a babysitter.
Couldn't get a babysitter.
(GROANS)
Oh, don't mind me.
Pearls before swine.
Yeah, too late now.
You don't deserve me.
Are you ready for this?
(COUGHS NOISILY)
Right, let's do it.
Right, let's do it.
(SINGS BADLY) You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy
when skies are blue.
You make me happy
when skies are blue.
You never know, dear
(GROANING)
At least if you boo me off,
I can go for my fag break.
At least if you boo me off,
I can go for my fag break.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Come off it, come off it.
Listen,
I wasn't gonna say anything.
Listen,
I wasn't gonna say anything.
But I think I will. Sophie Straw
is here, ladies and gentlemen.
She's a real singer!
Let's get her up for a song.
Come on! Come on, Soph,
give us a song! Up you come.
Come on! Come on, Soph,
give us a song! Up you come.
Ah, you're alright,
I'm OK. Thank you.Oh.
Too grand.
No, I'd do it for two grand.
Too grand.
No, I'd do it for two grand.
(LAUGHTER)
There you go.Or um
Or three packets of cheese and onion.
That we can do, that we can do!
That we can do, that we can do!
Ooh!
One, two
Oh, there you go!
If you'd said four, you would've
put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)
If you'd said four, you would've
put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)
Alright, I'll do one.
Ooh, fab.(CHEERING)
You Are My Sunshine -
they love it here.I know that one.
You Are My Sunshine -
they love it here.I know that one.
BOTH: You are my
SOPHIE: (OFF-KEY) ..sunshine!
(LAUGHTER)
Cheeky sod, she's had me!
Cheeky sod, she's had me!
I thought that was the way to do it.
How dare you!
(GRUNTS) Um
Let's do it properly.
OK.
BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.
BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.
You make me happy
Ooh!
Woo!
(SINGS) When skies are grey.
Woo!
(SINGS) When skies are grey.
Jeez, it's like
being at the Palladium!
BOTH: You'll never know, dear
how much I love you.
The moves, ladies and gentlemen!
how much I love you.
The moves, ladies and gentlemen!
Please don't take my sunshine
Oh, my God, I need a priest!
BOTH: ..away.
ALL: Please don't take
ALL: Please don't take
my sunshine away.
(APPLAUSE)
Sophie blooming Straw!
(APPLAUSE)
Sophie blooming Straw!
(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE)
Oh, my God.
So, I was thinking, maybe
come up and help me.
So, I was thinking, maybe
come up and help me.
Come on.
They don't want
Come on, you two.
(EVERYONE SINGING 'JOSHUA')
Up you get.
Up you get.
I'm really sorry.
No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorrier.
I didn't mean what I said. I just -
You're just sorry.
I just got to a point
ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,
ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,
Josh-u-osh-u-ah!
The show's gonna be about Barbara
and her friend, who is a woman.
So, two women?
Uh
So, two women?
Uh
A woman and another woman?
Yeah, and it's not Just Barbara.
It's Barbara Plussomeone.
And it's going to be about work,
and adventures, and friendship,
And it's going to be about work,
and adventures, and friendship,
and pants, and all of the things that
girls do when men aren't looking.
And yes, there can be dates,
and relationships,
And yes, there can be dates,
and relationships,
but it's not all about
trying to impress blokes.
So, who's the friend character?
Um
So, who's the friend character?
Um
Someone that's not
as giddy as Barbara,
a little more down to earth,
and not afraid to tell her
when she's getting too big
for her kinky boots.
But who's the straight one?Why does
there have to be a straight one?
But who's the straight one?Why does
there have to be a straight one?
Just checking, umthis means
you want us to flush weeks
of solid work down the crapper?
you want us to flush weeks
of solid work down the crapper?
Yeah, right before studio?
Chaps.
I knew he would take her side.
When he starts with 'chaps',
he's already made up his mind.
Let's try it.
(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my
Let's try it.
(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my
You won't have to junk everything.
You'll have to junk everything.
(GRUNTS)
You'll have to junk everything.
(GRUNTS)
Weeks of my life
..gone!
How about a British sitcom
about two women?
How about a British sitcom
about two women?
I mean, we're half the population,
and who's writing that show?
Not Johnny Speight, I don't think.
Or Galton and Simpson.
Or Galton and Simpson.
We could be the first.
Well, it's a blatant appeal
to our egos.
Well, she's not stupid.
But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?
Well, she's not stupid.
But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?
Well, I do have someone in mind.
Hey!
Ah, Greta.Yes.
Greta.
Hey.
Greta.
Hey.
I'm Dennis Mahindra,
I'm the Director.
Nice.Um
I'm not familiar with your work.
Have I seen you somewhere before?
The Rose & Crown?
Have I seen you somewhere before?
The Rose & Crown?
Um Or my uncle's market stall
on a Saturday morning,
where I do a lot of my best work.
Right. Right.
Um Why don't you come on through?
We could maybe read a page or two
from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.
We could maybe read a page or two
from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.
So, can you read from there?
(CLEARS THROAT)
In your own time.
Read? Not much call for reading
in the East End.
Read? Not much call for reading
in the East End.
Um Anyway, OK.
HelloBaba
Baba
Baba
Hello, Baba
Barbara.
What a magmagni
What a magmagni
magnifi -
Magnificent.
What amagnificent dress.
What amagnificent dress.
Is it shellfishselfish
Is it from Selfridge?
Thank you, Greta. Um
Sophie, could I have a word?
Sophie, could I have a word?
We only learn to read the words
we use.
We only learn to read the words
we use.
Rickets, eels
polio!
Um She She
has some presence.
Certainly some potential there.
(LAUGHS)
I'm just not sure how this is
going to work on a technical level.
Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent
dress. Is it from Selfridges?
Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent
dress. Is it from Selfridges?
So, Barbara, you admit to taking
the dress from the lost property
at the bus station?
(LAUGHTER)
Can I read?!Oh
(LAUGHTER)
Can I read?!Oh
Well, yeah, we like this one, Den.
Yeah, can we keep her?
Please can we keep her?
GRETA: Huh?
Yes.
GRETA: Huh?
Yes.
Yes. But just not today.
I've gotta get back to the boozer.
Busy lunchtime -
the strippers are in. But yeah!
Well done, Greta!
Well done, Greta!
# The warmth of your love
# Is like the warmth of the sun
# And this will be our year
# And this will be our year
# Took a long time to come
# Don't let go of my hand
# Now darkness has gone
# Now darkness has gone
# This will be our year
# Took a long time to come
# And I won't forget
The way you held me up
# And I won't forget
The way you held me up
# When I was down
# And I won't forget the way you said
'Darling, I love you'
You gave me faith to go on
You gave me faith to go on
# Now we're there
And we've only just begun #
I like 'Luck Be Two Ladies'.
Is Luckby in London?Exactly,
that's why it's a shit idea.
Is Luckby in London?Exactly,
that's why it's a shit idea.
It's good, it should hint at where
they live.Maisonettes Of Mayhem.
Oh, my God.
(GASPS) House Of Hairspray.
Barbara's Bedsit.
No, it should um
Barbara's Bedsit.
No, it should um
It needs to include both us girls.
Yes, exactly.
Two Funny Fannys!
Ugh.Oh, sorry.
You should never
have 'funny' in the title.
You should never
have 'funny' in the title.
It's just asking for a kicking.
Mm.
Right, come on, we've got
They're girls. They're women.
They're girls. They're women.
They're birds.
(GASPS) Dolly Birds.
Oh, Bird Bath.
Tony!
Oh, Bird Bath.
Tony!
What kind of show is that?
Come on, they live in a flat.
It's called Flat Birds!
Flat Birds.
(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.
(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.
That's really good.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
I love it.
Oh, my hat.
So, whatOh.
Er (CLEARS THROAT)
Come on, Bill. We're this way.
What?
Night-night.
See you tomorrow. Lots to do.
See you tomorrow. Lots to do.
Yeah, cheers for that, Flat Bird.
(LAUGHS)
Edith'll be wondering where you are.
It's fine, Dennis, I know.
I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.
I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.
See you tomorrow.
Good day's work.
Good day's work.
Bye.
DRIVER: Evening.(TAXI DOOR CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TAXI DEPARTS)
(TAXI DEPARTS)
(FAINT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
Can I help? (LAUGHS)
No, no, no.
I'm cooking tonight,
before my late shift.Ooh.
And I thoughtlet's have Italian.
And I thoughtlet's have Italian.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, lovely.
I know all about pasta.
Oh, yeah?
I've had it twice.Oh, yeah!
Didn't normally
look like that, though.
Didn't normally
look like that, though.
Where'd you get this?
I picked it up in Soho.
Blimey.
What were you doing down there?
Oh, the boss sent me -
on an errand, you know?
Oh, the boss sent me -
on an errand, you know?
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
Do you normally go to this
much trouble for your um
you know.
My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)
you know.
My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)
No. Then again,
I've never met a Marj before.
Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?
I dunno.
Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?
I dunno.
About 5'2", lovely.
I am 5'4"!
(CHUCKLES)
Do you mind? What you doing?
Just checking you're real.
Hang on, wait.
Let me see ifthis works.
What are you?
Let me see ifthis works.
What are you?
No, no, no, I just wanna
see if it works. Trust me.
I (CHUCKLES)
It's what we call in the trade
a kissing step.
It's what we call in the trade
a kissing step.
Oh, OK, a kissing step. Yeah, oh.
Mm.
Yeah, works.It works? Oh!
Yeah, good job. Brilliant.
That's good to know.
(CHUCKLES)
That's good to know.
(CHUCKLES)
Fancy a nightcap at mine?
We could have
some late-night ideas for the show.
I'm out of whisky, but June has got
some pear liqueur from Christmas
I'm out of whisky, but June has got
some pear liqueur from Christmas
Hmm.
Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,
but I'm cream crackered.
Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,
but I'm cream crackered.
I need my beauty sleep.
Oh.
See you, then.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Dennis!
Helloagain.
Helloagain.
Um Sorry, I know it's late.
But umI just
But umI just
..wanted to let you know that
..I'm not with Edith.
And II never will be.
And I know that things are
And I know that things are
..different between us.
And
And
I should probably move on too.
But I just wanted to say
But I just wanted to say
..good night.
Dennis.
I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.
I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.
I couldn't.
Because I still had
a headful of someone else.
('I WILL WAIT' BY THE FOUR BUDDIES
PLAYS FAINTLY)
# CREAM: Sunshine Of Your Love
# It's getting near dawn
# It's getting near dawn
# When lights close their tired eyes
# I'll soon be with you, my love
# Give you my dawn surprise
# Give you my dawn surprise
I'll be with you, darling, soon
# I'll be with you
When the stars start falling
# I'll be with you
When the stars start falling
Evening.
Evening.
Nice night for it.
Isn't it?
# To be where I'm going
# To be where I'm going
# In the sunshine of your love
Got one! Dirty pervert.
Got one! Dirty pervert.
Fucking Christ!
Bastard pigs!
You're under arrest.
You're under arrest.
You're not obliged to say anything,
but anything you do say
will be taken down and may be given
in evidence.Your trousers?
(GRUNTS)
# I've been waiting so long
# To be where I'm going
# To be where I'm going
# In the sunshine of your love #
# In the sunshine of your love #
(BIRDSONG)
(WHISPERS) You alright?
(WHISPERS) You alright?
(WHISPERS) Yes.
Are you?
Mm.
(SOFTLY) I thought
that if we did this,
it might go away.
(WHISPERS) Well
it hasn't.
Do we have to still wait three years?
What happens now?
(WHISPERS) I'll see you
in the rehearsal room.
Just for inspiration.
Morning.
Just for inspiration.
Morning.
Apparently, fondue sets
are last year's groove.
Oh, no. Just when
I bought 'em for all my friends.
Oh, no. Just when
I bought 'em for all my friends.
Youare wearing yesterday's shirt.
Where's Bill?He's always late
on days that have a Y in it.
Where's Bill?He's always late
on days that have a Y in it.
Morning.
And here she is arriving at
a slightly different time to Dennis.
And here she is arriving at
a slightly different time to Dennis.
Dennis.
Morning.
Where's Bill?
Oh, the telekinetic link between us
must be playing up.
Oh, the telekinetic link between us
must be playing up.
I haven't the foggiest.
Morning, everyone.
Morning.
Where's your mate?
Where's your mate?
Oh, I give up.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, that'll be Ted wanting
to know how we're getting on.Oh.
Oh, that'll be Ted wanting
to know how we're getting on.Oh.
Sensationally. Great concept.
Amazing actresses,
incredible writers.Oh!Hello? Yeah.
Ooh, what time do they get here?
(LAUGHTER)Easy.
Ooh, what time do they get here?
(LAUGHTER)Easy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Feel free to tell us
what happened with you two
last night, if you like.
Or not.
Oh, righty ho.
Oh, righty ho.
What did he say?
Uh, that wasn't Ted.
It was Bill.
It was Bill.
Oh, what, has he fallen asleep
on a bus again, has he?
Wh-Where is he, Den?
Wh-Where is he, Den?
Vine Street Police Station.
Fucking hell!
(GASPS)
I have told him again and again!
I know, Tony.
Fuck! Sorry.
I know, Tony.
Fuck! Sorry.
It's OK. Heard worse at Holy
Communion. So, what's happened?
Look, he needs a lawyer.
I don't suppose he has one?
Look, he needs a lawyer.
I don't suppose he has one?
Bill? A lawyer?
Of course he doesn't have a lawyer.
He doesn't even have curtains.
I need to make a call.
He doesn't even have curtains.
I need to make a call.
'Stop taking risks,' I said!
'It's Russian roulette.'
He's not just shot himself
in the knackers,
He's not just shot himself
in the knackers,
he's shot me in the knackers
as well! It is over!
It's not over.
It is!
(DIALS PHONE)
His career and mine.
(DIALS PHONE)
His career and mine.
Fucking hell.
Hi, it's Sophie.
I need to ask a favour.
I need to ask a favour.
Bill.
Bill.
I'm your lawyer, Pandora.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Sophie's mate?
Yeah, Soph called,
so I whizzed back from Scotland.
Yeah, Soph called,
so I whizzed back from Scotland.
Oh, so I've spoilt your holiday
on top of everything else.
Oh, God, no, no. I've already shot
three grouse, filleted a fisherman,
drove the bloody Land Rover
into a loch, so (LAUGHS)
drove the bloody Land Rover
into a loch, so (LAUGHS)
..I've pretty much done
the Highlands for this season.
I see you've had a bit of a run-in.
(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape
arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.
(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape
arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.
That's what they'll say, isn't it?
Doubtless, slippy bastards.
Look, I'm not saying it isn't
a cushy gaff I've got here,
Look, I'm not saying it isn't
a cushy gaff I've got here,
but if you could get me out,
that would be even better.
Yes, they don't want
to give you bail.
They think
you're going to do a runner.
What, in these trousers?
What, in these trousers?
So, we're trying to get you in front
of a judge as soon as possible.
Now, is there anyone else you'd like
me to contact? Your family, or?
Now, is there anyone else you'd like
me to contact? Your family, or?
Oh, your parents
don't know you're?Alive?
No.
I'm going to do my damnedest
to get your case heard quickly.Hm.
Smashing. I'll get
to prison much faster, then.
Smashing. I'll get
to prison much faster, then.
Yeah. I'm going to pull
every string I've got.
(WHISPERS) And that's
quite a lot of strings.
Pandora?
Pandora?
There is something else.
MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks
and your stupid pasta!
MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks
and your stupid pasta!
Wait, please!
Oh, and here's your step, which
it's a rubbish step,
anyway, actually.
No real carpenter would get away
with that kind of shoddy work.
No real carpenter would get away
with that kind of shoddy work.
Actually, can you just clear off
before I call the police?
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, wait, sorry.
Sorry, you are the police.
I'm so sorry, Marj.
I thought you'd stop seeing me
if you knew I was a cop!
I'm so sorry, Marj.
I thought you'd stop seeing me
if you knew I was a cop!
They beat him up -
badly - and you didn't step in.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
Look, you're right.
I should've helped.
I should've stepped in.
I should've helped.
I should've stepped in.
But I wasn't brave enough.
Look, the first time
I came home in blue, my mum cried.
Look, the first time
I came home in blue, my mum cried.
She was so proud.
And I thought by joining that
maybe I could
make a difference or something.
maybe I could
make a difference or something.
Yeah, well, it's a goodgood job
I didn't see you in that uniform,
cos I bet you looked
a right tit in that helmet.
If you'd have
just told me the truth, then
I'm keeping this
stupid step, anyway,
just for high shelves and that.
(WHIMPERS)
(ORCHESTRAL VERSION
OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)
(ORCHESTRAL VERSION
OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)
You not dancing?
Oh, no, I'm not dancing -
two left feet, me.
Oh, no, I'm not dancing -
two left feet, me.
I'm just gasping for a cuppa.
Oh, I think we can squeeze
one more out of this.Thanks.
Milk?
Yes, please.
Milk?
Yes, please.
Have you come far?
You're not from around here.
Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm just looking for family.
Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?
Oh, no.
Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?
Oh, no.
Not me. Sophie's. Sophie Straw?
I'm a friend of hers,
and I heard her mum works here,
so I thought I'd pop in
and say hello.
so I thought I'd pop in
and say hello.
Wait, you're not Gloria, are you?
Oh, yes, I can see the likeness.
You must get that a lot.
You must get that a lot.
I don't broadcast it.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.Oh.
I'm Lynda. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
It is very complicated, isn't it?
Family.
Especially yours.
Must've been so difficult keeping
a secret like that for so long.
Who are you? What do you want?
I'm a friend of Sophie's.
Who are you? What do you want?
I'm a friend of Sophie's.
Well, if you're from the press,
I've got nothing to say.
And there are tables need clearing.
You can ring me
if you change your mind.
You can ring me
if you change your mind.
Might be a relief - to get it off
your chest after all these years.
We will be running the story
about your famous daughter,
We will be running the story
about your famous daughter,
with or without your help.
Not that we want
to put you under any pressure
..but we need to finish the script.
He's in good hands.
He's in good hands.
So what?
He's still gonna go to jail.
No.
I can't be funny, not now.
And don't say I wasn't funny anyway.
Really? It was an open goal.
Really? It was an open goal.
I can hardly breathe,
let alone put words down.
(DOOR OPENS)
We need some fucking ideas.
We need some fucking ideas.
Ray and Alan would've
spunked out an episode by lunchtime.
Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis
Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis
..fetch me a fish paste sarnie.
These two birds, then.
These two birds, then.
What they gonna do today?
Put on makeup?
Make a tea?
Oh, that's exciting.
Cheers, Bill.
Cheers, Bill.
OK.
What if it's funny foods?
Um Saveloys.
Um Saveloys.
Pancakes!
It's Pancake Day.
And the girls have
a right old ding-dong
And the girls have
a right old ding-dong
about the right way to cook 'em.
Well, we put 'em together.
So, one of 'em wants
to get dolled up and go out,
and the other one
wants to make pancakes.Yeah.
and the other one
wants to make pancakes.Yeah.
So they have to get dolled up
AND make pancakes at the same time.
Yeah.
This is good.And th
BOTH: Shh! We're working.
BOTH: Shh! We're working.
Yeah.
Alright.
Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -
get out of your horse-hair wig.
Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -
get out of your horse-hair wig.
No, no, no.
Stay as long as you like.
Never seen the place
looking so tidy.
Didn't you have a single orgy?
(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!
Didn't you have a single orgy?
(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!
No, goodness, no. Um
No, I best get back to Marj's.
The more shoulders she has to cry on,
the better.
The more shoulders she has to cry on,
the better.
Poor thing.
That's odd.
This looks like an original.
I swear the one I bought was some
old cheap toss from Portobello.
I swear the one I bought was some
old cheap toss from Portobello.
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
So, what happens with Bill now?
So, what happens with Bill now?
Well, I've managed
to get the trial set for Monday.
And what are his chances?
Not remotely tremendous.
Not remotely tremendous.
There's talk of the law changing,
but we're not there yet.
Best hope is for a lenient judge.
There's not many of those
to the pound.I feel so powerless.
Yes, that's because all the power in
Britain is with a bunch of posh boys
Yes, that's because all the power in
Britain is with a bunch of posh boys
who went to school in top hats
and dry-humped themselves to sleep.
Yes, I'm rather running out
of strings to pull,
Yes, I'm rather running out
of strings to pull,
so if you do have
any chums in high places,
now would be the time to call.
TED: Absolutely not!
(SOPHIE SIGHS)
Miss Straw (EXHALES)
..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner
are of no personal interest to me.
..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner
are of no personal interest to me.
But he is charged with a crime,
and I cannot, and I will not,
have this corporation,
or any of its most prominent talent,
anywhere near it.
or any of its most prominent talent,
anywhere near it.
(INHALES) You are to stay
as far away from this as you can.
Now, that is not advice.
That is an instruction.
I see.
Sophie, I am trying to protect you.
The question is
will you listen to me?
Don't I always?
Oh, by the way, the show has changed.
Oh, by the way, the show has changed.
It's about two women,
and it's called Flat Birds.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)Oh, it's
those blooming newspapers again.
Oh, don't go giving them
your opinion, Marie.
Oh, don't go giving them
your opinion, Marie.
It only encourages them.
How many times do I have to
How many times do I have to
Oh.
Well
Well, you've got some nerve.
What do you want?
Marie, can I come in?Anything you've
got to say, you can say out here.
Really, I can't.
PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?
No, it's a media circus, all for
PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?
No, it's a media circus, all for
Oh, here she is - Sophie Straw
arriving to take the stand
in the trial of Writer Bill Gardiner.
BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.
BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.
Therefore a significant
custodial sentence must be imposed.
We have to consider
the safety of innocent citizens.
We have to consider
the safety of innocent citizens.
Miss Erskine-Aubigny,
do you want to reply?
Miss Erskine-Aubigny,
do you want to reply?
Your Honour, we do not agree
that a custodial sentence
is appropriate in this case.
My client has
professional obligations
My client has
professional obligations
of an extremely pressing nature.
(SCOFFS)To explain more,
I call Barbara Parker
(SCOFFS)To explain more,
I call Barbara Parker
more widely known as Sophie Straw.
(MUTTERING)
Don't play the room, Sophie.
No, don't, I mean it.
Don't play the room, Sophie.
No, don't, I mean it.
The Judge won't take kindly
if we push him.
YourWorship.
YourWorship.
Honour.
Honour.
Your Honour.
I have known Mr Gardiner
for quite some time,
and I consider him
a very close personal friend.
and I consider him
a very close personal friend.
I can say that he is very sorry,
and he will not reoffend.
and he will not reoffend.
I can say that,
and you might let him off.
I can say that,
and you might let him off.
But in saying that
I'd be leaving out who, and what,
Bill Gardiner truly is.
Bill Gardiner truly is.
Your Honour -Sophie, no.
And what Bill is
That's enoughis the funny,
talented person who co-wrote
the exploding bathroom scene
in Jim And Barbara.
the exploding bathroom scene
in Jim And Barbara.
He's brave, passionate, clever,
scratchy, downright stubborn,
scratchy, downright stubborn,
and his favourite food
is crisp sarnie and saveloy.
Your Honour.
Keep to the point, please,
Miss Straw!But right now, though
Keep to the point, please,
Miss Straw!But right now, though
you're all here
to pass judgement on this man
because of who he likes to cuddle.
Which is, quite honestly,
nobody's business.
Which is, quite honestly,
nobody's business.
The court has now
heard the arguments.
I mean, I'm sure none of you lot
would like people poking about
in your bedrooms, rifling through
your knicker drawer.Your Honour!
in your bedrooms, rifling through
your knicker drawer.Your Honour!
Miss Straw makes a valid point about
personal freedom and hypocrisy
Your Honour.Now, the law is going
to change soon, and we all know that.
Your Honour.Now, the law is going
to change soon, and we all know that.
And all I'm saying
is I reckon you lot,
if you don't get a grip sharpish,
you're going to end up on the wrong
side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!
you're going to end up on the wrong
side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!
(GASPS)
This is a court, Miss Straw,
not Speakers' Corner.
In conclusion
In conclusion
..I beg you to please
look up at this man and
and really see him.
and really see him.
He might act like
he doesn't give a tuppenny bit,
but he is loving, he is loyal,
but he is loving, he is loyal,
and he is beautiful.
Bill hasn't hurt anyone,
but he is the one
who is being broken.
but he is the one
who is being broken.
Sophie. Sophie.
Yeah.
And-And that's all I have to say.
And-And that's all I have to say.
Beg your pardon, Your Wigship.
(MURMURING)
(MURMURING)
No jail time!
Wahey!Yes!
Just a £50 fine.What an insult.
I'm worth so much more.
Just a £50 fine.What an insult.
I'm worth so much more.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, here she is. To Pandora.
To Sophie!
To Bill!To everyone.Well done.
At least now I know how my book's
gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!
At least now I know how my book's
gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!
Let's get the hell out of here
before the Judge comes back and
arrests us all for loitering.Yeah!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hang on, hang on, I'm coming.
(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?
(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?
We need to have a chat, love.
The three of us.
We need to have a chat, love.
The three of us.
# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: Won't Be Long
# Baby, here I am
# A-by the railroad track
# Oh, waitin' for my baby
# He's a-comin' back
# A-comin' back to me
# On 5:03, yeah
# And it won't be long
# No, no, it won't a-be long
# No, no, it won't a-be long
# I get so lonesome
Since he's been gone
# There ain't a thing
Worth mentioning
# There ain't a thing
Worth mentioning
# No, a-been goin' on
# And that's a-why I know #
The following programme
contains strong language.
# RITA PAVONE: Il Geghege
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SIREN APPROACHES)
(GUNSHOT)
(GUNSHOT)
(SONG CONTINUES)
I'm feeling rather disappointed.
I'm feeling rather disappointed.
Miss Straw persuaded me,
against my better judgement,
to bring you, Mr Gardiner, and um
(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.
(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.
Back to Television Centre,
and let her into the writing room.
It has clearly proved a distraction.
This experiment has not worked.
This experiment has not worked.
We've got loads of great ideas.
Yeah.Show him the cards, Tone.
Er Alright, well
No, no, the other card. Ah.
Mm.
This little holiday is over.
You have no concept, no script,
and currently no Sophie Straw.
You have no concept, no script,
and currently no Sophie Straw.
If you do not deliver
a show ready for air by the 30th,
I will pull the entire project
from the schedule.
And where the hell is she, anyway?
And where the hell is she, anyway?
(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
Kir royale?
It'd be rude not to.
Bottoms up.
Bottoms up.
Pardon?
It means
well, something about
(CLEARS THROAT) ..bottoms.
But it doesn't really travel.
You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.
You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.
I hope you will remember
the making of this film
as a time of
as a time of
intellectual stimulation.
(SIGHS)
Most of the time I've just been
pouting and saying, 'Non.'
pouting and saying, 'Non.'
The way you said it - perfection.
I'm getting all hot and bothered.
I'm getting all hot and bothered.
Would you like to go outside?
You are the most beautiful woman
I have ever met.
You're well above average.
You're well above average.
Oh, you're doing
that look from scene 39.
Are you acting, or?
Are you acting, or?
(SOFTLY) Crikey.
Oh.
Your body is here
..but your heart is across
La Manche, with someone else.
Am I right
Sophie Straw?
Sophie Straw?
There is no-one at home.
I'll show you where my heart is.
These movie stars are always late,
aren't they?
Marilyn Monroe wouldn't turn up
till the end of the week,
and I read Marlon Brando does
turn up, but on a different planet.
and I read Marlon Brando does
turn up, but on a different planet.
Well, maybe Mademoiselle Straw
is never coming back.
You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!
Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'
You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!
Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'
Mine went with,
'Can-can it be love?'
Shit, Den's coming. Hide the papers.
Shit, Den's coming. Hide the papers.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Morning, chaps.
Morning.Good morning.
Not the bin,
that's the first place he'll look!
Den doesn't go through bins.
He's not you.What's that?
Den doesn't go through bins.
He's not you.What's that?
Verrucas.
Uh
Are they funny?
Yeah, er
For the swimming pool ep.
Yeah, er
For the swimming pool ep.
Oh.
(SINGSONGY) I'm back!
Ah.
Hey! Bonjour.
Bonjour, mes amies.
Oh.
Bonjour, mes amies.
Oh.
(BOTTLE CLINKS)
Dennis.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
So, who'd like presents, then?
Ooh!Ooh!
Presents?
For Tony and June, I got
Camembert cheese.
Ooh! Oh, God!
Camembert cheese.
Ooh! Oh, God!
And for Bill
Yes?
Oh.
Is it a shit in a bag?
It's snails.
Is it a shit in a bag?
It's snails.
They're a delicacy.
Hm.
And for Dennis
And for Dennis
..a pair of his-and-hers
cognac glasses.
Um Thank you.
Uh The boys have made progress.
Yeah, while YOU were on holiday.
I was working!
Well, you'll like this one.
I was working!
Well, you'll like this one.
Barbara fancies the lifeguard at
the local pool.But she can't swim.
So she has to take these lessons
with these snotty kids.
So she has to take these lessons
with these snotty kids.
I'm not spending the whole episode
in a swimming cossie.
We were thinking wetsuit,
snorkel and flippers.Mm.
Yeah, that's funny. But, lads
Yeah, that's funny. But, lads
I don't think they'll let us build
a swimming pool in Studio Five.
Alright, fair point, that's one of
Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.
Alright, fair point, that's one of
Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.
Well, maybe the uhnext one.
Barbs has got a crush
on a football fan.
Yeah, she really wants
to impress him with what she knows,
but she can't remember
the rules for offside.
but she can't remember
the rules for offside.
A player is offside if,
when the ball is passed,
he's closer to the opponent's
goal line than both the ball
he's closer to the opponent's
goal line than both the ball
and the second-to-last
opposing player.
Hm.
Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me
a proper Blackpool education.
Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me
a proper Blackpool education.
(GRUNTS)
(NOISY CLATTERING) (CLEARS THROAT)
Another one of Tony's.
Yeah.
Cos Bill's too busy with
his 'book'and his 'agent'
Cos Bill's too busy with
his 'book'and his 'agent'
to give us ideas.Why are
you doing inverted comma fingers?
I have got a 'book' and an 'agent.'
I am having a baby, which fills
my head up quite a lot, actually.
I am having a baby, which fills
my head up quite a lot, actually.
You know, it doesn't
stop me from bringing ideas.
Lads.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know I love your stuff.
You know I love your stuff.
I'm not saying it's not working.
It's just (EXHALES)
..it just feels like
everything Barbara's doing
is because she's chasing a fella.
is because she's chasing a fella.
It was the same with Lanagan
and Curry.Hey, no!Shut up!
No. No.
Fuck off!Lanagan and Curry?
I'm just saying that I think
we need to, you know, find some
modern, original, fresh ideas, and
it's not just about chasing trouser.
modern, original, fresh ideas, and
it's not just about chasing trouser.
# CILLA BLACK: A Man And A Woman
(Un Homme Et Une Femme)
# CILLA BLACK: A Man And A Woman
(Un Homme Et Une Femme)
(BLOWS MELODY OF 'A MAN AND A WOMAN
(UN HOMME ET UNE FEMME)' ON WHISTLE)
(VOCALS IN FRENCH)
(VOCALS IN FRENCH)
Hiya.
Hmm.
What? We're only popping downstairs
to have our tea.
Sorry. Dinner.
Sorry. Dinner.
First, a small, informal party.
Oh.
(GASPS) Ooh.
Can I chooseall of them?
Can I chooseall of them?
I think this one.
(CHUCKLES)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Wow.
Who's this party for, then?
You
You
and a few of my friends.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
The cream of the movie business
is here to meet you.
Hollywood beckons, baby!
Hollywood beckons, baby!
Hey, good to see you.
Yeah, yeah. Hi.
Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,
are in the laundrette
Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,
are in the laundrette
as they watch their washing
go round and round.
I wish we could change the channel.
I wish we could change the channel.
One good win on the horses,
and I'll buy a washing machine.
And a telly.
And you can buy
some more new white shirts.
And you can buy
some more new white shirts.
Why?
Cos you left your red undercrackers
in that wash.
(CHUCKLES) There's my line.
Feel free to blow your own trumpet.
Uh
Feel free to blow your own trumpet.
Uh
Are you having a go?
No, no, no.
It's It's not bad.
Not bad?
(SCOFFS) Can we just Can we just
get on with the next scene?
(SCOFFS) Can we just Can we just
get on with the next scene?
Den, mate, come on, it'sit's
late! You know, I'm not peak energy.
It's bound to sound shit
when it's Tony saying it!
It's bound to sound shit
when it's Tony saying it!
Why are you picking on Tony now?
No, no, fair enough.
How's the book going, mate?
You know how the book's going, mate.
Bill won't be revolutionising
the literary world
any time soon, put it that way.
Oh.
any time soon, put it that way.
Oh.
One minute it's a work of dark,
blistering brilliance, and the next
it's a libel case waiting to happen.
Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too
mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?
Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too
mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?
Mucky? You can talk.
What do you mean?
I've seen you in the papers sucking
face with Jean-Paul.Look, can
we just -Look, enough! Enough!
See, comedy, it's like maths.
And one part of this equation
is completely wrong. Sophie.
And one part of this equation
is completely wrong. Sophie.
You what?
I mean, it's the character.
You what?
I mean, it's the character.
It's not quite right for you.
When Sophie is in full flow, she
has us all in the palm of her hands,
and we're just not getting that now.
and we're just not getting that now.
And it's not your fault, Sophie.
Oh, well, thanks for that, Dennis.
Yeah, obviously it's the writers'
fault.No. This is my fault.
I should never have
let it get this far.
I've been distracted.
And I apologise.
We have all the right ingredients.
But Just Barbara,
it's the wrong recipe.
But apart from the central idea
of the show being fatally flawed,
But apart from the central idea
of the show being fatally flawed,
we're golden, are we?
MARJ: See, it's only
the women who are starkers.
And I bet you any money that's
the geezer who made my granddad
go over the top at the Somme.
go over the top at the Somme.
Don't be rude about
Pandora's objets d'art.
What brings you here, then, Marj?
What brings you here, then, Marj?
So um (CLEARS THROAT)
..can you come to the demo?
It's tricky.
It's tricky.
I would, but my Agent
wants me to stay apolitical.
A political what, chicken?
Marj, can't we just have
a nice drinkie and a natter?
Marj, can't we just have
a nice drinkie and a natter?
Fair do's, yeah.
So, go on. How was your
petit French adventure?
So, go on. How was your
petit French adventure?
(LAUGHS) Well, I didn't
get to do much acting.
Mostly, I was just sat there
being primped and preened
like a prize poodle -
three people just for my hair.
like a prize poodle -
three people just for my hair.
And I had to do loads of press,
but all the papers wanted to ask me
about was Jean-Paul Solo.Oh!
God, what a drag, man!
God, what a drag, man!
And now I'm back on Just Barbara.
I mean
it's so difficult.
Oh, I know.
At least you understand, Marj.
I do.
At least you understand, Marj.
I do.
I mean, I am trying to get
the British bosses
to stop paying women poverty rates,
but you
you are the one
who's really suffering,
you are the one
who's really suffering,
what with your showbiz shindigs
and whatnot!
Well, this is a fun cocktail hour.
Bunking in a flat
that looks like the inside
of Princess Margaret's head,
Bunking in a flat
that looks like the inside
of Princess Margaret's head,
and, oh, working on a comedy show!
Oh, no, wait,
that was your dream, remember?
Oh, you should serve some fish
with them chips on your shoulder.
Oh, you should serve some fish
with them chips on your shoulder.
Coming from
the professional Northerner
with a stick of rock up her arse.
You and your placards.
'What do we want?
Marj to shut her big old gob.
Marj to shut her big old gob.
When do we want it? Now.'
Do you know what?
It's no wonder people
admire your arse so much,
seeing as you can speak out of it.
Oh, do they?
seeing as you can speak out of it.
Oh, do they?
One of my many talents.
(SINGS WITH COCKNEY ACCENT)
Maybe it's because you're a Londoner.
Oh, I can't do any m Oh, my God!
Oh, I can't do any m Oh, my God!
What is that?!Oh, it's just
Samantha. I told you about her.
Just don't be so dramatic!
Oh, sorry. No, sorry,
I didn't realise there were
two snakes living in this flat.
I didn't realise there were
two snakes living in this flat.
Oh, you don't want me on this march.
You just want a celebrity.
Argh, I'm done. I am done.Well,
I haven't finished talking to you.
Well, I've finished
listening to you!
Well, I've finished
listening to you!
Well, give me that coat back,
because it's mine!
Well, you left it there,
so I thought you didn't want it!
No, I do want it, actually,
and it's mine anyway! (SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Cocking hell, what have you done?!
Was that expensive?Uh
Marj, this is not like your flat.
Was that expensive?Uh
Marj, this is not like your flat.
Everything in here is expensive!
Give it a
OK, well, well, where do we get
another one - outer space?
I don't know!
I don't know!
But I know someone who might.
# I wonder if one day that
# I wonder if one day that
# You'll say that you care
# If you say you love me madly
I'll gladly be there
(BELL RINGS)
DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.
(BELL RINGS)
DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.
Right, this is us.
# I wonder if one day that
# I wonder if one day that
# You'll say that you care
# If you say you love me madly
I'll gladly be there
# If you say you love me madly
I'll gladly be there
# Like a puppet on a string
We should look a bit more upmarket.
This is what we need.
# Like a puppet on a
# String #
(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.
I am being Well, put it down.
(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.
I am being Well, put it down.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
Yeah, I know.
JustAs if you haven't
sodding stopped crying about
You know, it was expensive, so
Yeah, I know. You have said.
You know, it was expensive, so
Yeah, I know. You have said.
(SIGHS)
There you go, my darling.
What's up with your mates, then?
They having a 'who can be most
miserable' competition or what?
Actually, they've got a condition.
They're both big babies.
The blonde one -
Oh, no, she just looks like her.
Look, ifif it was my fault
Look, ifif it was my fault
then you can tell her
that I will pay her back my share
at a shilling a week
for the rest of my life.
Diane, can you please tell
the person sitting opposite me
Diane, can you please tell
the person sitting opposite me
that I have paid for the lamp
in full, and that's that?
Even though
it cost about as much as a bungalow.
Even though
it cost about as much as a bungalow.
Oh, my God, did the movie star
have to pay for something
out of her own pocket -
didn't get it for free? Oh!
I can't do anything right.
WOMAN: Greta!
I can't do anything right.
WOMAN: Greta!
Greta! You're on.
What? No, I was on last night.
Where's the stripper?
Couldn't get a babysitter.
Couldn't get a babysitter.
(GROANS)
Oh, don't mind me.
Pearls before swine.
Yeah, too late now.
You don't deserve me.
Are you ready for this?
(COUGHS NOISILY)
Right, let's do it.
Right, let's do it.
(SINGS BADLY) You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy
when skies are blue.
You make me happy
when skies are blue.
You never know, dear
(GROANING)
At least if you boo me off,
I can go for my fag break.
At least if you boo me off,
I can go for my fag break.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Come off it, come off it.
Listen,
I wasn't gonna say anything.
Listen,
I wasn't gonna say anything.
But I think I will. Sophie Straw
is here, ladies and gentlemen.
She's a real singer!
Let's get her up for a song.
Come on! Come on, Soph,
give us a song! Up you come.
Come on! Come on, Soph,
give us a song! Up you come.
Ah, you're alright,
I'm OK. Thank you.Oh.
Too grand.
No, I'd do it for two grand.
Too grand.
No, I'd do it for two grand.
(LAUGHTER)
There you go.Or um
Or three packets of cheese and onion.
That we can do, that we can do!
That we can do, that we can do!
Ooh!
One, two
Oh, there you go!
If you'd said four, you would've
put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)
If you'd said four, you would've
put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)
Alright, I'll do one.
Ooh, fab.(CHEERING)
You Are My Sunshine -
they love it here.I know that one.
You Are My Sunshine -
they love it here.I know that one.
BOTH: You are my
SOPHIE: (OFF-KEY) ..sunshine!
(LAUGHTER)
Cheeky sod, she's had me!
Cheeky sod, she's had me!
I thought that was the way to do it.
How dare you!
(GRUNTS) Um
Let's do it properly.
OK.
BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.
BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.
You make me happy
Ooh!
Woo!
(SINGS) When skies are grey.
Woo!
(SINGS) When skies are grey.
Jeez, it's like
being at the Palladium!
BOTH: You'll never know, dear
how much I love you.
The moves, ladies and gentlemen!
how much I love you.
The moves, ladies and gentlemen!
Please don't take my sunshine
Oh, my God, I need a priest!
BOTH: ..away.
ALL: Please don't take
ALL: Please don't take
my sunshine away.
(APPLAUSE)
Sophie blooming Straw!
(APPLAUSE)
Sophie blooming Straw!
(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE)
Oh, my God.
So, I was thinking, maybe
come up and help me.
So, I was thinking, maybe
come up and help me.
Come on.
They don't want
Come on, you two.
(EVERYONE SINGING 'JOSHUA')
Up you get.
Up you get.
I'm really sorry.
No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorrier.
I didn't mean what I said. I just -
You're just sorry.
I just got to a point
ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,
ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,
Josh-u-osh-u-ah!
The show's gonna be about Barbara
and her friend, who is a woman.
So, two women?
Uh
So, two women?
Uh
A woman and another woman?
Yeah, and it's not Just Barbara.
It's Barbara Plussomeone.
And it's going to be about work,
and adventures, and friendship,
And it's going to be about work,
and adventures, and friendship,
and pants, and all of the things that
girls do when men aren't looking.
And yes, there can be dates,
and relationships,
And yes, there can be dates,
and relationships,
but it's not all about
trying to impress blokes.
So, who's the friend character?
Um
So, who's the friend character?
Um
Someone that's not
as giddy as Barbara,
a little more down to earth,
and not afraid to tell her
when she's getting too big
for her kinky boots.
But who's the straight one?Why does
there have to be a straight one?
But who's the straight one?Why does
there have to be a straight one?
Just checking, umthis means
you want us to flush weeks
of solid work down the crapper?
you want us to flush weeks
of solid work down the crapper?
Yeah, right before studio?
Chaps.
I knew he would take her side.
When he starts with 'chaps',
he's already made up his mind.
Let's try it.
(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my
Let's try it.
(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my
You won't have to junk everything.
You'll have to junk everything.
(GRUNTS)
You'll have to junk everything.
(GRUNTS)
Weeks of my life
..gone!
How about a British sitcom
about two women?
How about a British sitcom
about two women?
I mean, we're half the population,
and who's writing that show?
Not Johnny Speight, I don't think.
Or Galton and Simpson.
Or Galton and Simpson.
We could be the first.
Well, it's a blatant appeal
to our egos.
Well, she's not stupid.
But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?
Well, she's not stupid.
But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?
Well, I do have someone in mind.
Hey!
Ah, Greta.Yes.
Greta.
Hey.
Greta.
Hey.
I'm Dennis Mahindra,
I'm the Director.
Nice.Um
I'm not familiar with your work.
Have I seen you somewhere before?
The Rose & Crown?
Have I seen you somewhere before?
The Rose & Crown?
Um Or my uncle's market stall
on a Saturday morning,
where I do a lot of my best work.
Right. Right.
Um Why don't you come on through?
We could maybe read a page or two
from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.
We could maybe read a page or two
from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.
So, can you read from there?
(CLEARS THROAT)
In your own time.
Read? Not much call for reading
in the East End.
Read? Not much call for reading
in the East End.
Um Anyway, OK.
HelloBaba
Baba
Baba
Hello, Baba
Barbara.
What a magmagni
What a magmagni
magnifi -
Magnificent.
What amagnificent dress.
What amagnificent dress.
Is it shellfishselfish
Is it from Selfridge?
Thank you, Greta. Um
Sophie, could I have a word?
Sophie, could I have a word?
We only learn to read the words
we use.
We only learn to read the words
we use.
Rickets, eels
polio!
Um She She
has some presence.
Certainly some potential there.
(LAUGHS)
I'm just not sure how this is
going to work on a technical level.
Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent
dress. Is it from Selfridges?
Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent
dress. Is it from Selfridges?
So, Barbara, you admit to taking
the dress from the lost property
at the bus station?
(LAUGHTER)
Can I read?!Oh
(LAUGHTER)
Can I read?!Oh
Well, yeah, we like this one, Den.
Yeah, can we keep her?
Please can we keep her?
GRETA: Huh?
Yes.
GRETA: Huh?
Yes.
Yes. But just not today.
I've gotta get back to the boozer.
Busy lunchtime -
the strippers are in. But yeah!
Well done, Greta!
Well done, Greta!
# The warmth of your love
# Is like the warmth of the sun
# And this will be our year
# And this will be our year
# Took a long time to come
# Don't let go of my hand
# Now darkness has gone
# Now darkness has gone
# This will be our year
# Took a long time to come
# And I won't forget
The way you held me up
# And I won't forget
The way you held me up
# When I was down
# And I won't forget the way you said
'Darling, I love you'
You gave me faith to go on
You gave me faith to go on
# Now we're there
And we've only just begun #
I like 'Luck Be Two Ladies'.
Is Luckby in London?Exactly,
that's why it's a shit idea.
Is Luckby in London?Exactly,
that's why it's a shit idea.
It's good, it should hint at where
they live.Maisonettes Of Mayhem.
Oh, my God.
(GASPS) House Of Hairspray.
Barbara's Bedsit.
No, it should um
Barbara's Bedsit.
No, it should um
It needs to include both us girls.
Yes, exactly.
Two Funny Fannys!
Ugh.Oh, sorry.
You should never
have 'funny' in the title.
You should never
have 'funny' in the title.
It's just asking for a kicking.
Mm.
Right, come on, we've got
They're girls. They're women.
They're girls. They're women.
They're birds.
(GASPS) Dolly Birds.
Oh, Bird Bath.
Tony!
Oh, Bird Bath.
Tony!
What kind of show is that?
Come on, they live in a flat.
It's called Flat Birds!
Flat Birds.
(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.
(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.
That's really good.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
I love it.
Oh, my hat.
So, whatOh.
Er (CLEARS THROAT)
Come on, Bill. We're this way.
What?
Night-night.
See you tomorrow. Lots to do.
See you tomorrow. Lots to do.
Yeah, cheers for that, Flat Bird.
(LAUGHS)
Edith'll be wondering where you are.
It's fine, Dennis, I know.
I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.
I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.
See you tomorrow.
Good day's work.
Good day's work.
Bye.
DRIVER: Evening.(TAXI DOOR CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TAXI DEPARTS)
(TAXI DEPARTS)
(FAINT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
Can I help? (LAUGHS)
No, no, no.
I'm cooking tonight,
before my late shift.Ooh.
And I thoughtlet's have Italian.
And I thoughtlet's have Italian.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, lovely.
I know all about pasta.
Oh, yeah?
I've had it twice.Oh, yeah!
Didn't normally
look like that, though.
Didn't normally
look like that, though.
Where'd you get this?
I picked it up in Soho.
Blimey.
What were you doing down there?
Oh, the boss sent me -
on an errand, you know?
Oh, the boss sent me -
on an errand, you know?
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
Do you normally go to this
much trouble for your um
you know.
My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)
you know.
My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)
No. Then again,
I've never met a Marj before.
Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?
I dunno.
Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?
I dunno.
About 5'2", lovely.
I am 5'4"!
(CHUCKLES)
Do you mind? What you doing?
Just checking you're real.
Hang on, wait.
Let me see ifthis works.
What are you?
Let me see ifthis works.
What are you?
No, no, no, I just wanna
see if it works. Trust me.
I (CHUCKLES)
It's what we call in the trade
a kissing step.
It's what we call in the trade
a kissing step.
Oh, OK, a kissing step. Yeah, oh.
Mm.
Yeah, works.It works? Oh!
Yeah, good job. Brilliant.
That's good to know.
(CHUCKLES)
That's good to know.
(CHUCKLES)
Fancy a nightcap at mine?
We could have
some late-night ideas for the show.
I'm out of whisky, but June has got
some pear liqueur from Christmas
I'm out of whisky, but June has got
some pear liqueur from Christmas
Hmm.
Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,
but I'm cream crackered.
Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,
but I'm cream crackered.
I need my beauty sleep.
Oh.
See you, then.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Dennis!
Helloagain.
Helloagain.
Um Sorry, I know it's late.
But umI just
But umI just
..wanted to let you know that
..I'm not with Edith.
And II never will be.
And I know that things are
And I know that things are
..different between us.
And
And
I should probably move on too.
But I just wanted to say
But I just wanted to say
..good night.
Dennis.
I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.
I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.
I couldn't.
Because I still had
a headful of someone else.
('I WILL WAIT' BY THE FOUR BUDDIES
PLAYS FAINTLY)
# CREAM: Sunshine Of Your Love
# It's getting near dawn
# It's getting near dawn
# When lights close their tired eyes
# I'll soon be with you, my love
# Give you my dawn surprise
# Give you my dawn surprise
I'll be with you, darling, soon
# I'll be with you
When the stars start falling
# I'll be with you
When the stars start falling
Evening.
Evening.
Nice night for it.
Isn't it?
# To be where I'm going
# To be where I'm going
# In the sunshine of your love
Got one! Dirty pervert.
Got one! Dirty pervert.
Fucking Christ!
Bastard pigs!
You're under arrest.
You're under arrest.
You're not obliged to say anything,
but anything you do say
will be taken down and may be given
in evidence.Your trousers?
(GRUNTS)
# I've been waiting so long
# To be where I'm going
# To be where I'm going
# In the sunshine of your love #
# In the sunshine of your love #
(BIRDSONG)
(WHISPERS) You alright?
(WHISPERS) You alright?
(WHISPERS) Yes.
Are you?
Mm.
(SOFTLY) I thought
that if we did this,
it might go away.
(WHISPERS) Well
it hasn't.
Do we have to still wait three years?
What happens now?
(WHISPERS) I'll see you
in the rehearsal room.
Just for inspiration.
Morning.
Just for inspiration.
Morning.
Apparently, fondue sets
are last year's groove.
Oh, no. Just when
I bought 'em for all my friends.
Oh, no. Just when
I bought 'em for all my friends.
Youare wearing yesterday's shirt.
Where's Bill?He's always late
on days that have a Y in it.
Where's Bill?He's always late
on days that have a Y in it.
Morning.
And here she is arriving at
a slightly different time to Dennis.
And here she is arriving at
a slightly different time to Dennis.
Dennis.
Morning.
Where's Bill?
Oh, the telekinetic link between us
must be playing up.
Oh, the telekinetic link between us
must be playing up.
I haven't the foggiest.
Morning, everyone.
Morning.
Where's your mate?
Where's your mate?
Oh, I give up.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, that'll be Ted wanting
to know how we're getting on.Oh.
Oh, that'll be Ted wanting
to know how we're getting on.Oh.
Sensationally. Great concept.
Amazing actresses,
incredible writers.Oh!Hello? Yeah.
Ooh, what time do they get here?
(LAUGHTER)Easy.
Ooh, what time do they get here?
(LAUGHTER)Easy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Feel free to tell us
what happened with you two
last night, if you like.
Or not.
Oh, righty ho.
Oh, righty ho.
What did he say?
Uh, that wasn't Ted.
It was Bill.
It was Bill.
Oh, what, has he fallen asleep
on a bus again, has he?
Wh-Where is he, Den?
Wh-Where is he, Den?
Vine Street Police Station.
Fucking hell!
(GASPS)
I have told him again and again!
I know, Tony.
Fuck! Sorry.
I know, Tony.
Fuck! Sorry.
It's OK. Heard worse at Holy
Communion. So, what's happened?
Look, he needs a lawyer.
I don't suppose he has one?
Look, he needs a lawyer.
I don't suppose he has one?
Bill? A lawyer?
Of course he doesn't have a lawyer.
He doesn't even have curtains.
I need to make a call.
He doesn't even have curtains.
I need to make a call.
'Stop taking risks,' I said!
'It's Russian roulette.'
He's not just shot himself
in the knackers,
He's not just shot himself
in the knackers,
he's shot me in the knackers
as well! It is over!
It's not over.
It is!
(DIALS PHONE)
His career and mine.
(DIALS PHONE)
His career and mine.
Fucking hell.
Hi, it's Sophie.
I need to ask a favour.
I need to ask a favour.
Bill.
Bill.
I'm your lawyer, Pandora.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Sophie's mate?
Yeah, Soph called,
so I whizzed back from Scotland.
Yeah, Soph called,
so I whizzed back from Scotland.
Oh, so I've spoilt your holiday
on top of everything else.
Oh, God, no, no. I've already shot
three grouse, filleted a fisherman,
drove the bloody Land Rover
into a loch, so (LAUGHS)
drove the bloody Land Rover
into a loch, so (LAUGHS)
..I've pretty much done
the Highlands for this season.
I see you've had a bit of a run-in.
(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape
arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.
(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape
arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.
That's what they'll say, isn't it?
Doubtless, slippy bastards.
Look, I'm not saying it isn't
a cushy gaff I've got here,
Look, I'm not saying it isn't
a cushy gaff I've got here,
but if you could get me out,
that would be even better.
Yes, they don't want
to give you bail.
They think
you're going to do a runner.
What, in these trousers?
What, in these trousers?
So, we're trying to get you in front
of a judge as soon as possible.
Now, is there anyone else you'd like
me to contact? Your family, or?
Now, is there anyone else you'd like
me to contact? Your family, or?
Oh, your parents
don't know you're?Alive?
No.
I'm going to do my damnedest
to get your case heard quickly.Hm.
Smashing. I'll get
to prison much faster, then.
Smashing. I'll get
to prison much faster, then.
Yeah. I'm going to pull
every string I've got.
(WHISPERS) And that's
quite a lot of strings.
Pandora?
Pandora?
There is something else.
MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks
and your stupid pasta!
MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks
and your stupid pasta!
Wait, please!
Oh, and here's your step, which
it's a rubbish step,
anyway, actually.
No real carpenter would get away
with that kind of shoddy work.
No real carpenter would get away
with that kind of shoddy work.
Actually, can you just clear off
before I call the police?
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, wait, sorry.
Sorry, you are the police.
I'm so sorry, Marj.
I thought you'd stop seeing me
if you knew I was a cop!
I'm so sorry, Marj.
I thought you'd stop seeing me
if you knew I was a cop!
They beat him up -
badly - and you didn't step in.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
Look, you're right.
I should've helped.
I should've stepped in.
I should've helped.
I should've stepped in.
But I wasn't brave enough.
Look, the first time
I came home in blue, my mum cried.
Look, the first time
I came home in blue, my mum cried.
She was so proud.
And I thought by joining that
maybe I could
make a difference or something.
maybe I could
make a difference or something.
Yeah, well, it's a goodgood job
I didn't see you in that uniform,
cos I bet you looked
a right tit in that helmet.
If you'd have
just told me the truth, then
I'm keeping this
stupid step, anyway,
just for high shelves and that.
(WHIMPERS)
(ORCHESTRAL VERSION
OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)
(ORCHESTRAL VERSION
OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)
You not dancing?
Oh, no, I'm not dancing -
two left feet, me.
Oh, no, I'm not dancing -
two left feet, me.
I'm just gasping for a cuppa.
Oh, I think we can squeeze
one more out of this.Thanks.
Milk?
Yes, please.
Milk?
Yes, please.
Have you come far?
You're not from around here.
Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm just looking for family.
Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?
Oh, no.
Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?
Oh, no.
Not me. Sophie's. Sophie Straw?
I'm a friend of hers,
and I heard her mum works here,
so I thought I'd pop in
and say hello.
so I thought I'd pop in
and say hello.
Wait, you're not Gloria, are you?
Oh, yes, I can see the likeness.
You must get that a lot.
You must get that a lot.
I don't broadcast it.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.Oh.
I'm Lynda. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
It is very complicated, isn't it?
Family.
Especially yours.
Must've been so difficult keeping
a secret like that for so long.
Who are you? What do you want?
I'm a friend of Sophie's.
Who are you? What do you want?
I'm a friend of Sophie's.
Well, if you're from the press,
I've got nothing to say.
And there are tables need clearing.
You can ring me
if you change your mind.
You can ring me
if you change your mind.
Might be a relief - to get it off
your chest after all these years.
We will be running the story
about your famous daughter,
We will be running the story
about your famous daughter,
with or without your help.
Not that we want
to put you under any pressure
..but we need to finish the script.
He's in good hands.
He's in good hands.
So what?
He's still gonna go to jail.
No.
I can't be funny, not now.
And don't say I wasn't funny anyway.
Really? It was an open goal.
Really? It was an open goal.
I can hardly breathe,
let alone put words down.
(DOOR OPENS)
We need some fucking ideas.
We need some fucking ideas.
Ray and Alan would've
spunked out an episode by lunchtime.
Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis
Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis
..fetch me a fish paste sarnie.
These two birds, then.
These two birds, then.
What they gonna do today?
Put on makeup?
Make a tea?
Oh, that's exciting.
Cheers, Bill.
Cheers, Bill.
OK.
What if it's funny foods?
Um Saveloys.
Um Saveloys.
Pancakes!
It's Pancake Day.
And the girls have
a right old ding-dong
And the girls have
a right old ding-dong
about the right way to cook 'em.
Well, we put 'em together.
So, one of 'em wants
to get dolled up and go out,
and the other one
wants to make pancakes.Yeah.
and the other one
wants to make pancakes.Yeah.
So they have to get dolled up
AND make pancakes at the same time.
Yeah.
This is good.And th
BOTH: Shh! We're working.
BOTH: Shh! We're working.
Yeah.
Alright.
Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -
get out of your horse-hair wig.
Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -
get out of your horse-hair wig.
No, no, no.
Stay as long as you like.
Never seen the place
looking so tidy.
Didn't you have a single orgy?
(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!
Didn't you have a single orgy?
(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!
No, goodness, no. Um
No, I best get back to Marj's.
The more shoulders she has to cry on,
the better.
The more shoulders she has to cry on,
the better.
Poor thing.
That's odd.
This looks like an original.
I swear the one I bought was some
old cheap toss from Portobello.
I swear the one I bought was some
old cheap toss from Portobello.
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
So, what happens with Bill now?
So, what happens with Bill now?
Well, I've managed
to get the trial set for Monday.
And what are his chances?
Not remotely tremendous.
Not remotely tremendous.
There's talk of the law changing,
but we're not there yet.
Best hope is for a lenient judge.
There's not many of those
to the pound.I feel so powerless.
Yes, that's because all the power in
Britain is with a bunch of posh boys
Yes, that's because all the power in
Britain is with a bunch of posh boys
who went to school in top hats
and dry-humped themselves to sleep.
Yes, I'm rather running out
of strings to pull,
Yes, I'm rather running out
of strings to pull,
so if you do have
any chums in high places,
now would be the time to call.
TED: Absolutely not!
(SOPHIE SIGHS)
Miss Straw (EXHALES)
..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner
are of no personal interest to me.
..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner
are of no personal interest to me.
But he is charged with a crime,
and I cannot, and I will not,
have this corporation,
or any of its most prominent talent,
anywhere near it.
or any of its most prominent talent,
anywhere near it.
(INHALES) You are to stay
as far away from this as you can.
Now, that is not advice.
That is an instruction.
I see.
Sophie, I am trying to protect you.
The question is
will you listen to me?
Don't I always?
Oh, by the way, the show has changed.
Oh, by the way, the show has changed.
It's about two women,
and it's called Flat Birds.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)Oh, it's
those blooming newspapers again.
Oh, don't go giving them
your opinion, Marie.
Oh, don't go giving them
your opinion, Marie.
It only encourages them.
How many times do I have to
How many times do I have to
Oh.
Well
Well, you've got some nerve.
What do you want?
Marie, can I come in?Anything you've
got to say, you can say out here.
Really, I can't.
PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?
No, it's a media circus, all for
PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?
No, it's a media circus, all for
Oh, here she is - Sophie Straw
arriving to take the stand
in the trial of Writer Bill Gardiner.
BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.
BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.
Therefore a significant
custodial sentence must be imposed.
We have to consider
the safety of innocent citizens.
We have to consider
the safety of innocent citizens.
Miss Erskine-Aubigny,
do you want to reply?
Miss Erskine-Aubigny,
do you want to reply?
Your Honour, we do not agree
that a custodial sentence
is appropriate in this case.
My client has
professional obligations
My client has
professional obligations
of an extremely pressing nature.
(SCOFFS)To explain more,
I call Barbara Parker
(SCOFFS)To explain more,
I call Barbara Parker
more widely known as Sophie Straw.
(MUTTERING)
Don't play the room, Sophie.
No, don't, I mean it.
Don't play the room, Sophie.
No, don't, I mean it.
The Judge won't take kindly
if we push him.
YourWorship.
YourWorship.
Honour.
Honour.
Your Honour.
I have known Mr Gardiner
for quite some time,
and I consider him
a very close personal friend.
and I consider him
a very close personal friend.
I can say that he is very sorry,
and he will not reoffend.
and he will not reoffend.
I can say that,
and you might let him off.
I can say that,
and you might let him off.
But in saying that
I'd be leaving out who, and what,
Bill Gardiner truly is.
Bill Gardiner truly is.
Your Honour -Sophie, no.
And what Bill is
That's enoughis the funny,
talented person who co-wrote
the exploding bathroom scene
in Jim And Barbara.
the exploding bathroom scene
in Jim And Barbara.
He's brave, passionate, clever,
scratchy, downright stubborn,
scratchy, downright stubborn,
and his favourite food
is crisp sarnie and saveloy.
Your Honour.
Keep to the point, please,
Miss Straw!But right now, though
Keep to the point, please,
Miss Straw!But right now, though
you're all here
to pass judgement on this man
because of who he likes to cuddle.
Which is, quite honestly,
nobody's business.
Which is, quite honestly,
nobody's business.
The court has now
heard the arguments.
I mean, I'm sure none of you lot
would like people poking about
in your bedrooms, rifling through
your knicker drawer.Your Honour!
in your bedrooms, rifling through
your knicker drawer.Your Honour!
Miss Straw makes a valid point about
personal freedom and hypocrisy
Your Honour.Now, the law is going
to change soon, and we all know that.
Your Honour.Now, the law is going
to change soon, and we all know that.
And all I'm saying
is I reckon you lot,
if you don't get a grip sharpish,
you're going to end up on the wrong
side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!
you're going to end up on the wrong
side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!
(GASPS)
This is a court, Miss Straw,
not Speakers' Corner.
In conclusion
In conclusion
..I beg you to please
look up at this man and
and really see him.
and really see him.
He might act like
he doesn't give a tuppenny bit,
but he is loving, he is loyal,
but he is loving, he is loyal,
and he is beautiful.
Bill hasn't hurt anyone,
but he is the one
who is being broken.
but he is the one
who is being broken.
Sophie. Sophie.
Yeah.
And-And that's all I have to say.
And-And that's all I have to say.
Beg your pardon, Your Wigship.
(MURMURING)
(MURMURING)
No jail time!
Wahey!Yes!
Just a £50 fine.What an insult.
I'm worth so much more.
Just a £50 fine.What an insult.
I'm worth so much more.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, here she is. To Pandora.
To Sophie!
To Bill!To everyone.Well done.
At least now I know how my book's
gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!
At least now I know how my book's
gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!
Let's get the hell out of here
before the Judge comes back and
arrests us all for loitering.Yeah!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hang on, hang on, I'm coming.
(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?
(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?
We need to have a chat, love.
The three of us.
We need to have a chat, love.
The three of us.
# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: Won't Be Long
# Baby, here I am
# A-by the railroad track
# Oh, waitin' for my baby
# He's a-comin' back
# A-comin' back to me
# On 5:03, yeah
# And it won't be long
# No, no, it won't a-be long
# No, no, it won't a-be long
# I get so lonesome
Since he's been gone
# There ain't a thing
Worth mentioning
# There ain't a thing
Worth mentioning
# No, a-been goin' on
# And that's a-why I know #