Gilmore Girls s02e03 Episode Script

Previously on Gilmore girls: You should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra with a huge bouquet of something that smells good.
Pot roast.
Max has asked me to marry him.
Yeah, I figured.
I haven't made my mind up about the 'yes' or 'no' part.
Where are you gonna live? - What? - Here? Hartford? Where are we gonna live? Where are we going to live? - You're going to have more kids? - Personal.
I mean, he wants kids, right? - Are you saying yes? - What? Are you saying yes? He asked me to marry him and I said yes.
I'm getting married.
Well, I think that's very nice.
- Yep.
- Yep what? There's nothing like a wedding to screw up a family.
There's nothing like a family to screw up a family.
You're throwing me a wedding shower, aren't you? It's a big night for me tonight, and it feels like you should be there.
- I'll see how it goes.
- Okay.
I'm getting married.
Oh, my God, here.
Wow, go with a crunch and a zing and a Hello! Our house is burning and you can save the cake or me.
What do you choose? That's not fair.
The cake doesn't have legs.
So how are we coming here? - Fran, so good.
This cake is amazing.
- Beyond amazing.
I should hope so.
We've been doing this for 112 years.
You don't look a day over 106.
No, I meant my family's been doing it for that long.
Right.
Okay.
- I'm glad we got that cleared up.
- The raspberries.
- So when is the big day again? - Two weeks from tomorrow.
- Have you picked a flavor? - I don't know.
They're all so good.
- You have to try them again.
- No, I've already eaten so many.
This is a very crucial decision, young lady.
Cake is the glue of the wedding so you will stand here and eat until you decide.
- Okay, if you insist.
- I do.
After all, what's more important than your wedding day? - It ain't Guy Fawkes Day.
- Yes.
I'll just go and see if there's anything else in the back.
Thanks.
How was it seeing Max last night? No gory details.
Like I've ever shared that part with you.
You've alluded you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.
- Chilton has taught you some big words.
- That's kind of the point.
It was really great.
I'm glad he's back.
He's on board with the small wedding thing? Yeah, we want fun, we want simple, we want fast.
We've been completely in sync, without that slightly gay, boy-band affiliation.
I printed up some sample invitations for you.
I made them on my computer.
All you have to do is pick out a quote for the front page - and I'll print them up.
- Okay.
'What is love? It is the morning and the evening star.
' - Sinclair Lewis.
- Sinclair 'Sappy' Lewis.
Fine, next.
'And all went merry as a marriage bell.
But hush! Hark! 'A deep sound strikes like a rising knell!' What is it with poetry? - Lord Byron.
- Byron and Lewis, together again.
Okay, last one.
'We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty.
' - Perfect.
- Mussolini it is.
Can I ask you an ethical question? Is it right to be sampling wedding cakes when Sookie's making yours for free? What is right, anyway? Who defines right? And if eating cake is wrong, I don't want to be right.
I'm bringing out a Mocha Crunch Creme.
So, ethics? Highly subjective and completely overrated.
That's my girl.
And here's a sample of some of my black-and-white shots.
Kirk, I didn't know you were into photography.
It's my passion.
- Ever shot a wedding before? - This would be my first official wedding gig, or photography gig, for that matter.
But I've got the eye, and my Nikon is state-of-the-art.
I've got a Nikon, too.
It's an N64 with 3-D matrix metering, - What have you got? - It's a Nikon.
I got to tell you, these are really good for amateur shots.
Thanks.
That's me and my parents on vacation in the Berkshires.
- Nice-looking family.
- And those are some self portraits.
Kirk, you're nude.
No, I'm wearing Speedos.
They're flesh-colored.
- Wait a minute.
I recognize this.
- Nice photo, huh? This is V-J Day.
New York, 1945.
I include it as an example of the excellence I aspire to.
- How much for your services? - How about $150 an hour? How about lunch and the cost of the film? - You won't be sorry.
- Done.
- I thank you.
- Bye.
- What time is it? - 10:00 - Three.
- I have to go.
- No! You're always going.
- I have to.
- Luckily, that'll all change soon.
- Yes, it will.
Two weeks from now, you won't have to go 'cause it's here you'll be going to.
- Going or going to? - I'd add the 'to.
' Going to.
You make me smarter.
- I am a teacher.
- Hey, don't.
Stay longer.
I can't.
Take me upstairs and see if you can get me into Mensa.
It'll take me forever to get back and I gotta get up early and let the painters in.
- Do you have to be there while they work? - What do you mean? Isn't your apartment gonna be all paint fumy? - Yeah, so? - So maybe you should stay here.
- Here? - Yeah.
Instead of driving back and forth all weekend, sleep over.
It's gonna be your place, too, soon enough.
Look at it like a trial run.
- A trial run? - It'll be fun.
- You think you're ready for me? - I'm always ready for you.
- Full time? - I insist.
He was not wearing Speedos.
- Don't talk about the photo.
- The man was buck-naked.
Offer rescinded if this conversation proceeds.
- I'll be back.
- Bye, honey.
- So what are we doing tonight? - I'll do whatever.
- What movies haven't we seen? - Just about all of them.
They all stink this year.
They definitely do underestimate our intelligence.
- Plus they stink.
- There are at least five featuring someone doing something disgusting with a cow.
They should at least do something disgusting with a different animal.
We could watch Holy Grail on tape again.
Okay, but I am not talking in an English accent all evening.
- No fun.
Hey, tomorrow night - Life of Brian? Max is staying over.
- Really? - First time.
And to kind of celebrate, he and Mom wanted to go on a double date.
But tomorrow's our anniversary.
- No, it's not.
It's on the 24th.
- That was our old anniversary.
We broke up, and got back together on the 6th so using the 24th wouldn't be an accurate count of how long we've been together.
Unless you consider our time apart as a temporary moratorium on our relationship.
You know, like the time kept passing, and we were on a sabbatical.
- Yeah, it's complicated.
- Very.
- So a double date? With adults? - No, just with Mom and Max.
What will it be? Like, dinner and dancing? Yes, and then we'll enjoy brandy and cigars.
- No, we'll probably just grab a bite.
- All right, we could do that.
Hey, let's have two anniversaries.
We can celebrate twice a month.
They're well spread apart, the 6th and the 24th.
- We can't do that.
- Who's gonna stop us? - Twice a month? - Dare to be different.
Twice a month it is.
Why won't you let me help? - Because you're a danger to the process.
- That's not true.
- I've got numerous scars.
- I cut you that one, two times and I've helped you tons of times.
You've helped me twice and both times you cut me.
- I do like watching you cook.
- I like you watching me cook.
- What's that weird smell? - It's food.
It smells weird? No, just weird for this house.
It smells great.
- Rory, can you get that? - What? Right down there, with the shiny handle.
- Did you know we had that? - Not a clue.
Come on.
- Hey, it's on fire! - It's the broiler.
Wow! What fallout shelter have you guys been living in? He has much knowledge.
- We'll form a cult around him.
- Build a statue many stories high.
- Grow our hair long and stop bathing.
- Please don't.
- Are we eating at the table? - Wherever.
- TV? - I'll get a tape.
- Can I at least grab some dishes? - Far away from me.
Alarmist.
- You don't learn very fast, Injun.
- How fast do you learn, Billy Jack? - Fast enough.
- 'Billy Jack, I'm gonna kill you - 'if it's the last thing I do.
' - He so jinxed himself with that one.
He should've said, 'Billy Jack, I'm gonna kill you 'or buy myself a lovely chenille sweater.
' Either way, he wins.
How many times have you seen this movie? I'm out of digits.
You can't see a Billy Jack movie too many times.
Who's the guy Billy Jack All right, you cats.
Very slowly now.
- Let's do some jumping jacks.
- Spread out.
One.
- It's the counting part.
- He means it, Daniel.
Here comes my favorite and my least favorite line all rolled into one.
I'm gonna cut your bowels out.
- Three.
- Comeuppance time.
You talk through the whole movie and when I say something, you shush me.
You're talking through parts we talked through last time.
- We haven't seen those parts in a while.
- Now it's clear.
- Max? - What? The phone? - Whoever's closest answers.
- House rule.
You're both closer.
I'd have to walk farther, around the coffee table.
- My foot's asleep.
- Plus you're taller.
- With longer legs.
- Even if we all left for the phone - at the same time - I got it.
You're in charge.
I'm gonna like having him around.
- Do you want a refill? - Sure, same thing.
- We wore him out.
- We tend to do that.
Well, we are Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.
- Electra Woman? - I think it's time to turn in.
- No, I'm awake.
- You don't look it.
- I'm waiting for the guy with the thing - Mom, get him to bed.
Okay.
Come on, honey.
- What happened to Billy Jack? - I'll explain it to you later.
Good night.
This is weird.
- What is it? - Nothing.
What are you doing? - Taking back Poland.
- Good luck with that.
- Mom.
- I have a boy in my room.
- So? - So I have a boy in my room.
- It's Max.
- I know.
- You like Max.
- No.
Yes, I do, but it's weird.
We've never had a man in the house like this up there.
- He's your fiancé.
- Very true.
So all you need to do is adjust.
It's like that time you got the green stripes in your hair.
- I hated those green stripes.
- Well, I'm tired.
I can think of a better example tomorrow.
No.
Wake up.
- We've not properly talked about this.
- About what? About having Max in the house.
The effect on you.
Don't cover up anything.
I don't have anything to cover up.
I like Max.
I know you do.
That's good.
But once we are married - nothing will ever be the same again.
- I know.
It won't be the'me and you secret club, no-boys-allowed thing' anymore.
- It'll be different.
- Not just different.
Our lives as we know them will be over.
- Mom, we're not dying.
- No, we're not dying.
But the life we had is gonna morph into this mutation that we - could never possibly have conceived.
- Like the giant ants in Them!? Yes, and I don't want it to be like giant ants that's why I'm talking about it now.
I am not anticipating being attacked by giant, man-eating ants - because Max is living here.
- Good.
- Good.
- Weirdo.
You can't walk around in the buff anymore.
I don't remember ever walking around in the buff.
- I know one time you did.
- Was I three? Somewhere around there.
- Does he hog the bed? - No.
- He's a very stay-on-his-side kind of guy.
- Good.
- He's cute.
He wears pajama bottoms.
- Stop there.
Not funny ones.
I hate funny bottoms.
I'm gonna call you Funny Bottoms from now on.
- Aren't you happy? - Yes.
- I'm happy.
- Then it'll be fine.
- You'll get used to it, having Max there.
- I know.
You're right.
I will.
I will get used to it.
Mom? You're falling asleep.
So? You need to be a big girl and go to your own room.
Okay.
- Fine, 10 more minutes.
- Thank you.
- More? - Abso-tive-o-lutely.
- What's up, Taylor? - I know of nothing up.
- What's up, Taylor? - I'm just happy.
That's what makes me nervous.
You're a paranoid man, Luke.
I feel very sad for you.
Over there.
- Can you clear that one off? - Why? 'Cause it's bigger.
We're three today.
- Three? - Max is with us.
Max? So when did Max become invisible to the human eye? He's on a paper hunt.
Max likes his three papers in the morning.
The Hartford Courant, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal.
- Three papers? - He likes to be well-informed.
Reading three papers all reporting the same news is a terrific use of trees.
You be nice, Luke.
I mean it.
- Hey, there.
- Max, buddy.
Top of the morning to you.
You look good today.
- Brown is your color, my friend.
- Thanks.
- So? - I got two out of three.
- Not bad.
- No one has The Wall Street Journal.
- This isn't a very financially-oriented town.
- Yes, it's more oriented to coffee.
I've got blueberry pancakes this morning.
- Bring them.
- Bring them twice.
- And you? - I'm gonna need a minute.
- Well, then hold off.
- Same here.
- I might run out of the pancakes.
- Go ahead, order.
- I'll just be a minute.
- It's okay, we'll wait.
I'm almost out and I can't make more.
- Set some aside.
- First come, first served.
- We'll take our chances.
- Yes, we'll wait.
Whatever.
- You didn't need to do that.
- We're happy to.
Yeah, that's still eggs and your basic breakfast stuff there.
- Just order.
- We're fine.
I want you guys to go at your normal pace.
My rhythm might not necessarily be your rhythm.
- What's this? - The lunch menu.
- I stop serving breakfast in an hour.
- Luke.
- I'll have poached eggs.
- Blueberry pancakes.
- Did we make it? - I set them aside.
Love you.
- What the hell are they doing out there? - What? Who is that? What are they doing, Taylor? - Looks like they're coning off the street.
- Taylor.
If you must know, they are a county work crew here to install Stars Hollow's first traffic light and metered crosswalk.
- Hold it.
- Keep going.
You have no controlling legal authority over this matter.
Stuff it, Taylor.
Hold it.
Keep going.
And I will not stuff it.
What authority did you have to authorize this? You're supposed to inform local business owners of major projects per town rules, meaning me.
Not when it's a matter of dire public safety where the city charter clearly states that I can function unilaterally in the town's best interests.
Dire public safety? We haven't had an accident here in 10 years! You can't stop progress, Luke! Traffic light, huh? It's unbelievable.
Well, it could always be taken out with your bare hands or your teeth.
Yeah, I guess.
- Hey, did you get my invitation? - What? My wedding invitation for my wedding, because I'm wedding Max.
Yeah, it's in a pile upstairs somewhere.
Good.
So are you coming? You know, I have to make some calls about this thing before it's too late.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- I can barely walk.
- Bad shoes? - I ate a cow.
- You had a steak.
- Plus the sides.
- Four people, six baked potatoes.
You boys exaggerate.
- Am I exaggerating? - Nope.
- Ice cream.
- I'm right behind you.
How could they possibly eat more? - I'm kind of surprised.
- I know.
They're bottomless pits.
I mean at you.
You've known them long enough not to be so confused.
I'm not confused.
I'm just What do you mean? Their eating habits are just the start of what you have to get used to.
There's tons of stuff you should be aware of.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like, don't ever use the last of the Parmesan cheese.
And never get into a heavy discussion late at night 'cause that's when they're at their crankiest.
- And go with their bits.
- Their bits? Yes, like if you're eating pizza with them, and Lorelai decides that the pepperoni is angry at the mushrooms because they have an attitude and then she holds up a pepperoni and it asks for your opinion don't just laugh.
Answer the pepperoni.
Answer the pepperoni.
Don't let them near puppies, they'll want every one.
That one I knew.
And here's a big one.
If you ever think that they're doing something crazy, they're not.
After a while, their thinking becomes clear, but by the time it's clear they've done two other crazy things that you can't figure out.
So there's no catching up.
- You have much knowledge.
- You got that from Rory.
And does Lorelai know what kind of ice cream you like? - Yeah, chocolate chip.
I already told her - Chocolate chip.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Wow.
I'm so full.
Why did you let me eat so much? Yeah.
They'll blame you.
- It's past 11:00, guys.
- Okay.
- How're you doing? - I'm stable.
You're a lovely shade of puce.
Don't say puce.
It sounds like another word I don't want to hear now.
Sorry.
You know, they're still outside.
- Who? - Rory and Dean.
How long you think they'll be out there? - I don't know.
- So there's no time limit? Yes.
When they both get tired of saying, 'No, you're prettier' to each other, the night's over.
- Come on.
- What? - I'm going to be living here soon.
- I know that.
I just thought I should know what the procedure is - when stuff like this comes up.
- Stuff like what? Say you're not here, I come home, there's Rory and Dean in the dark all alone, after 11:00.
How do I handle stuff like that? Max, Rory is very low maintenance.
Kind of like that robot kid in Al.
Only way less mother-obsessed.
My God, that kid was so annoying.
I would have pushed him out of the car while it was moving.
What if I catch them one night making out on the couch? - Turn off the light? - You're not being serious.
Max, they're teenagers.
They can kiss a little bit.
Okay, what do I do if Rory comes home drunk? - Come on! - It happens.
Not to Rory, it doesn't.
I know, but theoretically, just in a make-believe world if she did, what would I do? - Nothing.
- Excuse me? You would do nothing.
I would handle it.
So basically, I have no role in Rory's life.
Max, Rory's done.
She's brought up.
She's Rory.
You don't need a role.
Fine.
I don't see the problem here.
Clearly.
So I should do nothing around here, ever.
- No, not nothing ever.
- What, then? Making the garlic bread the other night was really good.
So other than making garlic bread and answering the phone what else is my role around here? You're my fellow.
You're my guy, my old man.
- And what does that entail? - All things dirty.
- I'm not joking.
We're getting married.
- I know.
That means we'll take two separate lives and meld them together.
- How do you think that's gonna work? - I don't know.
- Have you given it any thought at all? - Not really.
But I will.
I'll start now.
How would you feel if I told you, 'I haven't thought about our future at alI'? Terrible.
I would feel terrible.
I'm sorry.
I mean it.
I'm sorry.
Please come here.
Remember, it's all those little annoying quirks that make me the fascinating woman you fell in love with.
Really not fair.
I've got a lingerie drawer full of not fair, mister.
Okay.
We didn't need to get into this tonight.
I definitely broke Dean's late-night cranky rule.
- Whose what? - Nothing.
Welcome, townspeople.
So you're going to spoil it right off the bat, Luke? - Why waste time? - What about dinner? - You don't eat at a bachelorette party.
- You got to eat.
You drink, dance, party, and drink some more.
I'll hurl before the night's half over.
- This is all very fascinating.
- Sorry, we'll keep it down.
- How about keeping it silent? - Way down.
- Or zipping it shut? - Little, tiny mice voices.
Townspeople, we should all be proud of the new addition to our streets.
I know many of you have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk for years What? and now your dream has come true.
- It's like Hitler's Germany.
- Luke! You're trying to brainwash us, telling us we want something that we don't and not giving us any choice.
- Shush, we're planning.
- I heard.
You're idiots if you don't eat first.
Everybody, let me segue into the informational portion of our gathering.
If I can turn your attention to the pole here you will see a yellow button with an instructional panel right above it.
My God, that's the biggest yellow button I've ever seen.
If you'll read the panel above the button, you'll learn how the system works.
'To cross street, push yellow button, wait for walk signal.
'When signal reads 'walk', step into street and proceed to the other side.
' - It's written for morons.
- In big, stupid letters, too.
I hate being infantilized.
Does no one here care about the spate of near-accidents we have suffered over the past year? Near-accidents, meaning they didn't happen.
Because they didn't, doesn't mean we shouldn't ward against them.
Lots of things don't happen that we don't ward against.
- Like? - Like everything.
So everything doesn't happen here, meaning nothing happens? It's not nothing happens.
Stuff happens.
It's that it's not everything that's Damn it, Taylor! Now for some interesting stats.
It's you, me, Miss Patty, Rory, Babbette.
Babbette, you're coming, right? - Doll, I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it.
- Babbette, no.
We're having Morey's parents over for dinner.
If you cancel on them last minute they'll stick a red hot poker up your you-know-where.
We'll miss you.
But stick your hand down the front of some guy's pants for me.
- I hope you're talking about a stripper.
- Whatever.
The length of the walk-signaI's duration has thoughtfully been timed to accommodate the pace of Stars Hollow's oldest living resident.
So to inaugurate the signal, our beloved Mrs.
Lanahan is going to push the button and lead the first historic group across the street.
- Ready with the camera, Kirk? - Rolling.
The cap is still on the lens, dear.
Thanks.
I'm not wearing a veil at the party.
The bride always wears a veil at the bachelorette party.
- I'm not wearing a veil at the wedding.
- You're not? I love veils.
- No, we're going cas.
- It's a big day.
You gotta have some pomp.
- Elope and get it over with.
- No one asked you.
Eloping was not out of the question.
But you don't get a wedding over with.
Why not? It's a bureaucratic civil ceremony, and a pointless one.
- Don't listen to him.
- He's just being Luke.
It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life.
Animals don't mate for life.
Well, ducks do, but who the hell cares what ducks do? People grow and evolve their whole lives.
The chances that you'll grow and evolve at the same rate as someone else are too slim to take.
The minute you say 'I do' you're sticking yourself in a tiny little box for the rest of your life but at least you had a party first.
Okay, I'm tired of you now.
We're gonna finish this conversation away from Crotchety Guy.
This place looks like fun.
- They'll never let me in.
- They will let you in.
This is a felony, you know, corrupting a minor.
We'll all end up in the pokey.
He's right.
We're all going to the pokey.
Don't say pokey.
It's creepy.
- Try to look older.
- How? Look like you're thinking about retirement, 401s.
You should've brought your fake beard and mustache.
Who invited Mr.
Snicklefritz? He heard us planning and wanted to come.
I did not know the evening included baby-sitting.
She's going to get in.
Sorry.
So my bachelor party's come to a screeching halt.
What? Why? There's been an accident.
I'm fine, but we're at the hospital.
My God, what happened? We were coming out of the restaurant, going to our next stop when my brother decides to leapfrog over a parking meter.
- Why did he do that? - Middle child.
- Poor Jan.
- Anyway, he didn't make it.
Ouch.
How drunk was he? He's saying that the parking meters in Hartford are taller than the parking meters in Duluth, so he miscalculated.
I've got a concussion.
I'm good.
Let's drink! - Hold on a second.
You got a concussion? - A little one, though.
- What is he saying? - It's a mild concussion.
- We're taking him home.
- Take him home, then go hit a strip club.
- Excuse me? - I am telling you, this is your last chance to look at another woman's breastage.
Point well taken.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay, new rule for the evening: No calls to fiancés or boyfriends or anything else like that.
It's girls' night out! Plus Michel.
It's $12.
And it's 18 and over.
She's 18.
That's right, last week.
So it's a new 18, but it's 18.
You got some ID? Hey, sir, make way for Rory.
That's her name and her only name.
Rory.
Single name, she's that important.
Internationally known international supermodel and sometimes spokesperson for international products.
She's very big in Germany.
Ja, with the Lederhosen and such.
- $12.
- Thank you.
Danke schon, cutie.
This is a drag club.
It's called the Queen Victoria.
What did you expect? Tea and crumpets? Guys, I guess we're going to have to stand.
Wait, that one looks open.
Oh, my God.
What in Lucifer's reach is my mother doing here? - I invited her.
- You what? Just a little surprise for you.
I thought it would be a kick.
Excuse me, sir, you look just like my mother.
Hi, Grandma.
Come here often? I should say not.
How did you get in? Apparently, I'm an internationally known supermodel.
- Happy bachelorette party, Lorelai.
- Thank you, Mother.
In the future, when you plan something and tell a person to show up at 8:00 it is considered good manners for you to also show up at 8:00.
I didn't actually invite you, Mother.
Michel did.
- I feel much better now.
- Let's drink.
Looks like Emily's gotten a head start.
What are you drinking? Manhattan.
Good, too.
Not too sweet.
I ordered it from that nice chap dressed as Joan Crawford.
So is there no dancing here? I was hoping there'd be dancing.
You need to strut, Tony Manero? It is a weekend, and on the weekends, I like to move.
And the ladies, they like it, too.
Especially when you move out of town.
- Has she eaten? - Yeah, about a quart of wine.
- Hi, Mae West.
- What can I get for you? My dignity back.
A rum and coke, margarita, no salt, martini with olives, a Shirley Temple.
- Love her.
- I'll have her on the rocks, please.
And I'll have a giant Long Island Iced Tea.
Coming up.
Lorelai, how're you feeling? I'm tipsy, but just short of seeing pink elephants.
I mean about you getting married.
It's only a week away.
I'm fine.
I figured once I got the shoes to match the dress, the rest was just gravy.
I must say, I admire your composure.
The week before my wedding, I was a wreck.
- So was I, before all of mine.
- How many was that? There was Sinjen, John, Sergio, Sinjen.
Three men, four times.
You regret any of them? Sinjen was a letdown the second time but he was my Burton, and I was his Taylor.
I just wish I could've found a little Mike Todd in the middle.
I can't believe it was 34 years ago that I married Richard.
I remember it so distinctly.
- There's going to be a romantic story.
- My stomach was not my friend.
- It was full of butterflies, I couldn't eat.
- What a bummer.
I was actually weak in the knees, trembling all the time.
Really? When I wasn't actually with Richard, I was thinking about him constantly.
Imagining what he was doing, was he thinking about me making up little scenarios in my head about how we'd run into each other accidentally at the club and he would be playing golf, and I would walk by and he would be so distracted that he'd completely miss the ball.
Silly.
- It's sweet.
- I was in love.
It is wonderful to be in love.
But the thing I remember most was that for the entire week before my wedding I'd wait till my mother went to sleep, and I'd sneak out of bed and I'd put on my wedding dress and my tiara and my gloves and I would stare at myself in the mirror and think how very safe I felt how very right and wise and honored.
This is a very good drink.
I highly recommend it.
Okay, I've got to make a call.
- Are you calling Jackson? - No.
Well, yes, but it's only because I need to pick up something I left at his house that, if it's still there, I should Hi, honey, it's me.
And who are you writing to? - I just want to see if Dean's around.
- And thinking about you? - No, not you, too.
- No, it's I'll be quick.
- Hi.
- Hi, who's this? It's Trixie from the other night.
You never called me.
- Lorelai? - You got me.
What're you doing? I'm just hanging out.
What're you doing? I'm at a bachelorette party.
- Cool.
Whose? - Mine.
Yours? Wow.
I know, I'm still kind of wow about it myself.
Who's the lucky guy? You don't know him.
His name's Max.
- Right.
Max.
- You do know him? Rory mentioned him.
She didn't mention it was serious.
It wasn't.
We hooked up, and then it was going good and then we broke up 'cause one of us freaked out.
- You freaked out.
- I freaked out and then we got back together and it suddenly got very serious.
So is he worthy? - Is anyone? - Bono, maybe? Bryan Ferry? - Get serious.
- A young Tom Waits? Now you're talking.
- What's he like? - He's great.
Could you be a little more vague? I don't know, he's Max.
He's great.
What's his CD collection like? Don't read into his CD collection.
Jazz? Classical? What's the story? It's kind of a general collection.
Are we talking a dozen soundtracks, a few Beatles, a Bob Dylan - plus a generic - I said don't.
Alanis Morissette? A lot of people knee-jerked about her first one.
Cut them some slack.
- Dave Matthews? - A couple of his things are good.
- Buena Vista Social Club? - Stop it.
- Enya? - I'm going to hit you.
We're on the phone.
- I'll come over and hit you.
- You're at your bachelorette party.
- Right.
- So why are you calling me? Because you know me really well.
Yes, I do.
And I just wanted to tell someone who knows me really well that I'm getting married.
As someone who knows you really well, I say congratulations.
If you found the guy, I think that's great.
And you can picture me married, right? Yeah.
To the right guy, I can picture you married.
Thanks.
- You should get back to your party.
- Right.
- He's a great guy, Max.
- I'm sure he is.
- I was just kidding around.
- I know.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Bye.
- Can you put Trixie back on the phone? - Bye.
- Michel leave? - No.
He said he had to shake his thing.
So how's your guy? - How's Max doing? - Fine.
Everything's just fine.
I think I know what an aneurysm feels like before you have it.
Like a baseball the size of a cantaloupe in your head.
- Good one.
- What? - Baseball the size of a cantaloupe.
- Yeah.
Because a baseball can only be one size, so it's a Yogi Berra type thing.
Yogi Bear? No.
Forget it.
I feel like crap on toast.
Where were you after you broke off from the group? I sat at a table with Janet Jackson and Celine Dion.
Very nice guys.
By the way, your husband-to-be is out there looking annoyingly perky.
Slap him or I will.
What did I do? - You spoke at a normal volume.
- Sorry.
I'm just mad you're not more hung over.
- I tried.
I did.
- Liar.
I drank copiously.
People who've drunk copiously do not use words like 'copiously'.
Ask my brother.
How is Mr.
McMeterhopper? Ironically, he feels better than you.
- It's so wrong.
- He's fine.
I was going to drop my printer off at the house, but Rory wasn't there and guess who doesn't have his own set of keys yet? - I'm guessing it's you.
- It's still me.
Max, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
- Again.
- Again.
- You're mad.
- No.
A little.
- They're just keys.
- Try being without them and say that.
- I've lost my keys before.
- I haven't.
I never got them.
You'll get them.
I'm trying really hard not to read too much into this.
- Like what? - Like you don't want me having keys or coming in the house.
- Max, that's crazy.
- Well, I need keys.
I need an assistant.
You need to think about someone other than yourself for a few minutes a day.
Ouch.
That was too strong.
Maybe I am a little hung over.
This is not a good day for keys or communication.
- I'll just bring the printer by later.
- Bring it tomorrow.
- I'll bring it tomorrow.
- Okay.
I'll have the keys.
I can't believe schooI's already starting.
I used to hate school starting.
I once flipped the pages back on my mom's calendar and tried to convince her it was June and not September.
- Didn't work? - Oddly enough.
- I got an interesting call today.
- Yeah? Who? - Dad.
- Cool.
How is he? - I talked to him last night.
- He mentioned that.
- I was about to mention it myself.
- That's quite a coincidence.
- Did I not mention it last night? - No, not to my knowledge.
I could have sworn I did.
- Why did you call him? - Just to check in.
- At your bachelorette party? - Seemed as good a time as any.
- To catch up on calls? - Yeah, pretty much.
Seems like a weird time.
- Did he call just to fink on me? - No, he wanted to see what's up with you.
He thought it was weird, too.
Heaven forbid I ever use the phone again.
Was it when you told us you were calling Max? Somewhere around there.
Why did you say you were calling Max? Honey, some day when you're a little older you will be introduced to something that is extremely seductive but fickle.
A fair-weather friend who seems benign but packs a wallop like a donkey kick.
That is the Long Island Iced Tea.
The Long Island Iced Tea makes you do things that you normally wouldn't do.
Like lifting your skirt in public or calling someone you normally wouldn't call at really weird times.
I'm not looking forward to meeting it.
I'd definitely walk the other way.
- You know, Dad wants you to be happy.
- I know.
- And I really want you to be happy.
- I know, sweetie.
You are happy about all this, aren't you? - Don't I seem happy? - I guess.
Okay, then.
- I'll be in my room if you need me.
- Okay.
- What is that? - It's a huppah.
- A what? - A huppah.
You stand under it, you and Max.
It's for your wedding.
Did you make that? Yeah, I had some time, so Give me a hand.
- Luke, it's beautiful.
- Well, I saw a picture in a book.
The picture looks better.
It's got carvings.
Birds and flowers.
- Yeah, there's also a goat.
- A goat? I don't know what it stands for, but it was in the picture and you like goats, right? - Yeah, goats are good.
- Okay, so there you go.
What on earth inspired you to do this? You're getting married.
You can't just stand in the hot sun in the middle of a lawn that hasn't been mowed in weeks.
- I guess he doesn't mow? - No, Max isn't a mower.
Okay, you needed something.
Here it is.
I'll mow it if you want.
We got one of the Petes from the nursery to do that.
- Big Pete? - Little Pete.
- He's the better of the Petes.
- We've always thought so.
Aren't huppahs Jewish? Maybe.
Is it okay that Max and I aren't Jewish? It's okay by me.
I mean to stand under it.
God won't smite us or anything? I highly doubt it.
Plus God would probably have to get a license from Taylor to do any smiting in Stars Hollow on a weekend, so I'd say you're safe.
You know, I wasn't putting down Max.
He seems like a really good guy.
- He is, and you were putting him down.
- Well, I didn't mean to.
Did you mean all those things you said about marriage? What things? - Really want me to repeat them to you? - No.
I guess for some people marriage, you know, isn't the worst thing in the world.
I mean, it's probably better than being hobbled or something like that.
And people can evolve together, don't you think? - Maybe.
- Yoko and John Lennon did.
They just got closer and closer with time.
- At the end, they had the same face.
- It got a little spooky.
- But cool.
- Yeah, they were lucky.
I guess if you can find that one person who's willing to put up with all your crap and doesn't want to change you or dress you or make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right.
But that's only if you find that person.
Yeah, if you find that person.
No one has ever made me a huppah before.
Well, you only get married once.
Theoretically.
Yeah, you only get married once.
Pack.
- What? - Pack.
- What's going on? - We are hitting the road.
- What? - Pack everything.
What's going on? Why are we hitting the road? We haven't taken a road trip in forever, and the weather is perfect.
We can't take a road trip.
You're getting married this weekend.
- Do you have my blue swimsuit? - What about Max? - We need sunscreen.
- Mom, stop.
- What? - Are you and Max getting married? - No.
- Why? Because I didn't want to try on my wedding dress every night.
Where are we going? - We don't have to.
- Hot, cold, rocky, sandy, mountain, valley? - I didn't really have a particular spot.
- Packing for all contingencies.
Got it.
- Light layers.
- Yeah, light layers.
Do you need a book? - That Colette biography.
- I lost your place in it.
- It's okay, I have to start over anyway.
- You got it.
- And hurry.
- Are we going tonight? - First thing in the morning.
- Sevenish? Fiveish.
It'll be more like sixish.
Let's shoot for fiveish.
You are crazy, and I love it.
- Wow, totally deserted.
- We're the last ones left.
- So are we almost there? - We're almost there and nowhere near it.
All that matters is we're going.
- We're practically gone already.
- Look out, world.
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