Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s02e03 Episode Script

Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme gimme gimme a man! ♪
DOOR SLAMS
I'm back!
- Hi, Linds, hi, Lindy, hi. - Hi.
How did your audition go?
Really well but I was doing
the monologue from Peter Pan
and I forgot Tinkerbell's name.
It's Tinkerbell.
The first line is Tinkerbell,
Tinkerbell, so I mimed it.
I don't think they noticed.
- Tom, does the bowl need bleaching?
What's that smell? - Close your eyes.
Uh! Ugh, what's that?
- It's a little puss-puss. - Ugh!
No wonder the flat's so rank.
- Look at its eyes. - The only place
for them is the middle of the road!
Bin it!
Ah!
- You're so catist.
- It'll crap everywhere, Tom.
Kate Winslet could crap on the sofa
and I'd still tell her to get out.
Demous is staying.
- De what?
- Demous. That's what I'm calling her.
No, I always said if I had a pet
I'd call it Elaine.
You call it Elaine and I'll call it
Demous. My agent told me there's
a part going on Coronation Street.
- The Battersbys are getting a cat!
- Oh, Tom, you'd be brilliant.
I know No, not me,
it's for the cat!
This cat could earn us five grand
a week. Hey, do you wanna stroke it?
- No. - Come on, Lindy. Demous, this
is Lindy, OK? Hold out your hand.
The one without the warts!
Piss off!
Designer clothes and claws
don't go together. Bin it!
I pity you
and your attitude to pets, Linda.
Pets have made this nation. They've
made us what we are today. Pets
win prizes!
Tom, I ain't a pussy person.
When people see me, they don't
think cat. They think dog.
- Come on. I need you to write me a
letter. I'll dictate, you scribble.
- No, I won't.
Write it or I'll batter the cat!
Demous, run for your life.
OK, who's it to?
It's to this gorgeous hunk
out of the paper.
- CLEARS THROA
- Dear Freddie, my name is Linda.
I have gorgeous red hair
and a figure like Raquel Welch in
Journey To The Centre Of My Earth.
And a face like Jabba The Hut.
- Write what I say
or I'll sit on the cat. - All right.
I was so sad
when I read your interview
and how you never get no visitors
and that you're so lonely in there.
So, if you want me to come,
then honey, I am all yours.
All my love, Lindy.
Kiss, kiss, love heart, kiss.
Kiss, kiss, love heart, kiss.
Ahh, that's quite sweet.
Is he in hospital?
- You haven't done the envelope yet.
Here. - OK, go on.
- Windrush. - Windrush. - 9292. - 9292.
- Wormwood Scrubs. - Wormwood
Oh, I've just about heard it all
now.
Are you so desperate you're trawling
though prisons to find a partner?
You're just jealous
cos you never thought of it first!
They're all up to your tricks
in there, you know. Yes.
But once they get on the outside,
it's bye bye bottom, hello breasts.
- Do we know what he's in for?
- I dunno.
- Look at him - he's gorgeous. - I want
no part of it. Where's Fluffybuns?
At least I lay my affections
on human beings, you weirdo.
It's quite normal to like
fluffy animals. Look at Richard
Gere.
Yeah,
Cindy Crawford was a right dog!
- Right. I'm gonna go post me letter.
See ya. - Bye.
What's so fascinating out there?
Michael Owen doing naked star jumps?
Have you no sense of occasion,
you homophobic harlot?
I've let Demous out
for the first time.
I remember when I went out for the
first time! I was six months old.
Daddy tied me to the back of Aunty
Sue's Alsatian to go down the shops.
Little sign in me hand - 40 B&H.
Oh, look! She's nibbling
on an herbaceous border.
Ahhh.
Oh, look! She's washing herself!
Lickety lick, lick, lick, lick
Blimey, if I could do that,
I'd never go out!
Tom! Does it say Wormwood Scrubs?
Read it to me, please,
read it to me.
Yes, it's a visiting order.
- YES! I'm going
to be a prison visitor. - Shut up!
Shut up. Freddie Windrush?
The same Freddie Windrush
as in Freddie "the stick" Windrush?
The stick? That must mean
he's nice and lanky.
When I was Reggie Kray's chiropodist
in Dead Men Don't Wear Mauve,
I read up on East End killers
and if I'm not mistaken,
- Mr Windrush is in for some brutal
batterings. - No! Did he get life?
- I think he did. - Oh, that's dreadful.
There's always conjugal visits!
- Linda, he's a monster!
- But he's my monster!
- He's killed people!
- It was probably an accident!
A small child wetting itself is an
accident. So is a pensioner
falling downstairs.
Murdering people is different!
You always put a dampener on things,
don't ya?!
When I meet a bloke, it's always,
"Oh, his breath stinks."
- AS LINDA: - Oh, he's a serial killer!
I've got to get cleavage blusher.
Where's me giro?
- We need that money for food!
- I've got a date on Friday.
You think I'm gonna eat?!
Hi!
Oh! Hi!
Gorr, you're a big piece,
aren't ya?
Thanks.
- 'Ere, I brought you some grapes.
- I ain't in hospital!
That's a shame!
I look fab in a nurse's uniform.
I used to have a uniform.
Straitjacket.
They said I was Psycho.
How can I be a film?!
That's funny cos my nickname
at school was Rosemary's baby
which was stupid
cos my mummy's called Queenie.
- Oh, you've got a tattoo.
What does it say? - Mummy.
Ah, were you close to your old girl?
No, it's short for mummification.
Bless!
Oh, I've got a bit of juice
dribbling down me chin.
Hmm, you've got a filthy mind!
Can I ask you something?
Yes, they are real.
- When I get out, will you help me?
- You're not leaving, you're a lifer.
- But say I did, you'd keep
the bed warm for me? - I dunno.
I'm quite shy and retiring.
I was gonna be a nun.
Loved the rosaries, the church,
the habit.
It was just the rug munching
I couldn't get into.
I ain't had a woman in five years.
Oh! Then, Freddie, yes!
I will keep the bed warm for you.
So, um, what do you get up to
in here, Freds?
I'm on an access course in anatomy.
- Specialised subject - the scar.
- Oh.
- I study photographs in the prison
library. - Oh, that reminds me.
I brought some snaps.
C'est moi.
They're laminated
so they're wipe clean.
Nice gash!
That's where I had my appendix out.
It's like a little smile, innit?
It's the same shape as the Trevi
Fountain. It's beautiful, baby!
Oh, oh!
Oh!
SHE MIMES TO SONG:
He walked into my life
And now he's taken over
And it's beautiful
It's so beautiful. ♪
BANGING AND RATTLING
Freddie!
- I told you I'd come, baby! - Promises,
promises. - Show me your gash, now!
- Mr Windrush! - Ooh-whah! - Ooh!
- Oh-ah!
There you go, lover.
I used to have a cat.
But it was bad.
- That's Tom's pride and joy. - Tom?
- The fella I live with. - What!
I thought you were my bitch!
Tom's bitch?! Not bent Tom Parsnip
from Stepney Green? I'll have him.
No, it's bent Tom Farrell
from Kentish Town.
- The fraudster with the frightening
fringe? - Not that sort of bent.
It rhymes with foamosexual.
If he grasses me up,
then he'll have to die.
- Oh, don't say that!
- Sorry, babe, habit of a lifetime.
I know!
We'll pretend you're someone else.
Oh, and we mustn't let him go near
the TV. You're probably on the news.
- Let's run away, babes. - Where to?
- I've got mates in Benidorm.
Oh, I love Italy!
- Nah, Spain, babe.
- Oh, yeah, that Benidorm.
I've ordered false passports.
Go on, get some sun
on your pasty skin.
- Morning. Oh! - Oh!
- Hello.
- Got any snout? - What?!
Hmm, Tom, this is Fritz,
my long lost German cousin.
Oiright?
But he's got a cockney accent?
- I can have one if I want one,
you nonce! - OK. OK.
You should be impressed.
You can't do one and you're English.
Yes, I can, listen.
TERRIBLE COCKNEY:
Apples and pears, strike a light.
- You're an actor, aren't you? - Yeah.
Yes! I've seen you on TV.
Do you want to see my showreel?
What we do in England is we record
everything we've done on TV.
- Come on. - No, Tom, the TV's broke!
- Is it?
It is now!
Fritzy's in a bad mood, aren't you?
Have you had a row with your agent?
Ahh. Mine's crap. I call every day
and she says to me,
"I'd get you work but no-one will
employ you." What's that all about?
Cheers, darling.
They're very tactile,
your distant relatives.
Germans are very misunderstood.
You should meet his mum, Helga.
She'd sit on your face
as soon as look at ya.
Yes, well, anyway, anyway.
What brings you here?
An audition? Any parts for me?
- What is this?!
- You're so like me! Keep it a secret
so no-one gets a look in! Very wise.
Sorry, Tom. I didn't mean to shout.
I'm on an anger management course
in the nick
of time!
It's OK. I was a supporting artiste
on Oliver Twist.
- Do you know it?
- No, no, no, Fritz. Stop it, Fritz.
Cheers, mate.
- How did you do that? - Me and cats
have an unspoken language.
It's easy.
- Fantastic! How did you do that?
- It's a secret! - Will you teach me?
- I'm gonna go pack.
- Pack? Where are you going? - Nowhere.
Pack -
it's German for put the bins out.
So, Fritz, you can teach a cat
to do almost anything?
Within reason.
I have morals, you know.
This is so exciting. You couldn't
have come at a better time.
I'm sorry. My show biz emotions
ran away with me.
That's all right, Tom boy.
I quite liked it.
CASTANETS RATTLE
- What on earth are you wearing?
- These old rags? I always wear them.
I wish my agent would ring.
She'd be so pleased with Demous.
She's doing all sorts -
even the cancan!
Fingers crossed,
she's heading for soap superstardom.
My liege, what news? I'd have been
fantastic in Pride and Prejudice.
- The passports are at Heathrow, babe.
- Sssh.
- Sssh! - That's very good.
Where's that from? Let me guess.
- I'm thinking cockney villains,
Helen Mirren in bat wing sleeves.
Long Good Friday! - Hey?
- PHONE RINGS
That'll be my agent. - Come 'ere.
Don't mention
the passports in front of the poof.
They didn't have a photo of you so
I said to use one of Su Pollard.
Aaah!
- All we need now is hard cash.
- How much?
First up I thought 20 quid.
Then I realised I was making my
calculations based on 1963 prices.
Taking into consideration
inflation and the fact that
we won't be wearing hot-pants
Speak for yourself!
..we really need
three and a half grand.
Bugger!
We get five grand
if the cat gets the part in Corrie.
Get training!
Hmmm Ha ha!
CASTANETS RATTLE
Put it this way,
the cat is heading for the top.
So what did you want?
An audition? For me?
A lifeguard?
..Of course I'm butch enough!
Get away from the wallpaper
with those flames!
It's not topless, is it?
Oh, no can do without a vest.
I've got a scar
following a mistaken tracheotomy.
I only went in to get my nails
filed Yes, I am suing!
For plastic surgery For the scar!
- DON'T! - Ooh! So call me back
when you've got a time for Demus.
Oh, and I'd better ask
How was your mother's thingy?
Er, funeral.
Yes. Oh, dear.
Well, time's a great healer. Bye.
You're in good shape, Tom.
It's only right a boy should
look after himself. Do much sport?
A bit of croquet in the country.
I recently shared a small room
with a country lad and we grew
tomatoes.
He'll be gutted -
I never said goodbye.
- Want to phone him? - He's deaf in one
ear. I don't know which one I'd get.
- Why are you telling me this?
- We understand each other.
Sometimes a man's gotta do what a
man's gotta do. Ain't that right?
Possibly.
Come to Daddy!
Oh, yes!
Fritz! I always said I'd never
do this with another actor.
Always talking about themselves. You
don't think I'm like that, do you?
It's just I've got a good handle
on myself. Self-obsessed? Me? Me?
- Don't speak! - You know,
a lot of directors say that to me.
Tonight I'm off to sunny Spain
El viva Es
..pana! ♪
..Espana por favor. ♪
Please be seated.
I've something to tell you.
Here, here! Take my hand.
We've known each other quite a time.
Been through a lot, thee and me.
Yes, Tom.
Every relationship changes, and from
now on we're going to be closer -
quite a bit closer.
Mummy told me
there'd be days like these.
Hush! Please don't say a word.
We're going to be
I can hardly say it.
- ..family. - Oh, Tom!
If you'd told me yesterday, we
could have had a future together.
But, Tom, I'm already spoken for.
I haven't fallen for you, you fool.
It's your cousin!
What? Not our Simon
with the dodgy eye?!
Everyone thinks he fancies them.
He can see both ends of a bus
at the same time!
No, it's Fritz!
- You always do it.
- What? What do I do?
Fall for straight blokes! Why can't
you homos stick to your own sort?
It ain't as if
there ain't enough of you!
Every bloke I try to get off with
is queer.
Fritz is gay!
Bollocks!
- He is! He's taking me to Spain.
- Yeah, right(!) - Yeah, right.
- He had me on this coffee table not
three minutes hence. - What? Bastard!
- Any room at the inn for an
ex-prossie? - Don't you start, Beryl!
- God, can't you be happy for me?! - No!
- You shagged my Freddie! - Fritz!
Can't you even get his name right?
My God!
What? What?! "He's out!"
They got onto his sexuality
pretty quickly!
No, Tom. That's Freddie Windrush,
the most dangerous man in Britain.
Escaped from prison, on the run.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I read his life story - "Inside the
mind of a psychopathic loony tune."
- You said he was your cousin.
- Well, I knew you'd hit the roof!
Oh, I'm SO sorry, Linda(!)
Forgive me for over-reacting but
I've just been humped by Hoxton's
answer to Hannibal Lecter!
You're welcome to him! I don't want
nothing more to do with him!
- A £20,000 reward for his arrest?
- Really?
I hate to think what he's doing now.
Probably strangling some virgin
and drinking her blood for afters.
Ooh, must go. I've left some
kidneys in me slow cooker. Cheerio!
That's better!
I love a good tip-out.
All right, darlin'? Got any scars?
I heard shouting
when I was on the carzey.
I take it Tom's told you.
Vile!
Sorry it had to be like this.
His gash is bigger than yours.
Vile.
- Looking forward to Spain, Tom?
- Vile.
Stop doing that, it's very annoying!
What if Demous fails her audition?
We won't be able to afford it!
I'll rob a bank.
I can do it in my sleep!
I'd do anything for you, Tom.
I'll rob one now!
No, the thing is, Freddy - Fritz -
I've been offered a part in Harbour
Lights - silly to turn it down.
But it's shit!
You don't tell me nothing, no more!
Please come with me, Tommy, baby!
I don't think I can face life
without you!
Watch this -
performance of a lifetime!
Oi! Slag! I'm the daddy now!
Wipe 'em! Right, now get
in the bathroom and draw a bath!
- But I hate drawing!
- So do I. Can you do colouring in?
Shut it! And you, don't you piss
on my head and tell me it's raining!
Get in there! You worked up a sweat
earlier, you jailhouse slag!
But you said my BO turned you on!
It don't any more, do it? Go!
Consider it done. I am your
obedient puppy and no mistake.
If you touch your thing while I'm
not looking, you'll have something
else to look forward to. Get out!
Oh, Lindy, I'm so scared!
I feel like I'm in Charlie's Angels!
If there's £20,000 to be got,
I'll get it!
And me! I got 'im 'ere!
- Is this cruel? - Sod that, we're
skint!
PHONE RINGS
Hello, police station, Chantelle
speaking. How can I help you?
Hello. I'm calling
about Freddy "The Stick" Windrush.
- Oh yeah? - Listen, we've got him here
in our flat.
No! That's outrageous! Bye, then!
- Don't you want the address?
- Oh, go on, then. We're not busy.
69a Paradise Passage, Kentish Town.
Oh, tell us something we don't know!
- You already knew? - Yeah, darlin'.
Rapid Response are on their way.
They should be round
just about now.
- Where is he? - Bathroom!
GUNFIRE
Ooh!
- What were his last words? - Meow.
- What, Freddy said meow?
Freddy's fine. It was your cat.
- Write to me, Tom! Love ya! - What
about me? - Your pussy's in a mess!
Ugh!
Oh, he meant Elaine!
I had a bad dream, Lindy.
Come and get in with me.
I was the cat in Coronation Street
and everyone was horrible to me.
Audrey Roberts called me talentless.
Rita Fairclough said
I had an unconvincing purr.
Pair of what?
No, purr!
HE PURRS
Then Freddy tried to drown me
in Betty's hot-pot!
Poor Tom!
I wonder what brought this on?
What do you bloody think?
- This is like The Sound Of Music.
- So like it. Great analogy, Lind.
No, the kids get scared, get in bed
with the nun and she sings Downtown.
Just think. We could have been
£20,000 richer today.
What would you have done with it?
I'd have given some to you
and some to Daddy
and spend the rest on clothes
and world peace.
Really.
I would have bought a theatre
and starred in my own plays - people
would marvel at my showbiz genius.
Oh! I feel better now.
- Time for sleepykins! - Night.
- Night night!
I wonder who turned Freddy in? Maybe
a neighbour saw him smash the
window.
Oh, it's a concurrent caboodle
and conundrum.
- I saw Beryl earlier. - Mmm?
- Off on her holidays. AGAIN!
Fortnight in Mauritius.
On Concorde, if you please!
- Bet that cost an arm and a leg. - Mmm.
- Well, night, then! - Night! - Kiss
Percy.
I said,
"I bet that cost a pretty penny."
- She said, "Yeah, 20 grand!" - No!
Aaaargh!