Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s02e03 Episode Script
Rule #8: Timing Is Everything
1 Previously on "Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce.
" I'm having a baby.
I mean, if you think this is gonna get easier to break to Abby the longer you wait, you are seriously clueless.
I'm struggling right now, and I can't get right if I'm with you.
You're the sexy face of divorce.
We want to see you at gallery openings and fashion shows.
Did you say engagement party? Yeah, it's no big deal.
Just a few dozen friends.
I don't have time to plan an engagement party.
You have been living at my house for the past couple of months.
Come on, Jo.
All this bullshit about it being in my best interest to move out when it was really about you sliding back into crazy with Jake.
Will.
We have to talk.
Mmm.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Howdy, neighbor.
[giggles.]
["Forever Drunk" by Miss Li.]
I am stumbling out of bed With an aching head Hello? You came.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I had a fake date last night.
Which consisted of a five-course meal of edibles from which I hope one day to come down.
Oh my goodness.
I made the babysitter sleep over.
Good.
And I am just telling you all of this in the spirit of radical honesty.
Oh, are we still in the spirit of radical honesty? I enjoyed that so much the first time.
That is my pledge to you.
I am dedicated to the truth from here on in.
Wow.
Right? My honest truth to you is that I'm really glad that I'm doing Lilly's driving lesson because you are a terrible driver.
Thanks for picking up my slack.
It's a lot of fake dates lately.
Should I be worried? No, guy last night was so boring.
I am looking at your face.
So I'm sensing that I should tell them to tone it down with the fake date.
I'm just making sure that we're still We're great.
Come on.
- We are better than great.
- Aw.
We are? Yeah.
Okay.
Last night, I was trying to tweet about my dumb date.
I think I got Lils.
Did you see Daddy's here? Hi, Lilly Vanilly.
Daddy's gonna do your driving lesson today instead of me.
Daddy's doing it? - So much better.
- Yeah.
Why is it better? Mom, you almost killed a kid at school with your car.
True.
Whoo-hoo, I'm driving! Okay, call us when you get to the liquor store.
Yay.
Hey, how do you know Dr.
Harris? Which doctor? Who? No, not Doctor Who.
I wish.
No, this guy's on TV.
He's, like, an Oprah doctor.
Look, he's responding to your tweets.
That's so funny.
It is, and that's here's what you should say back.
[keyboard clicks.]
- That's hilarious.
- Yeah.
Okay, let's do it.
[car horn honks.]
All right.
Mirror, mirror on the wall - Wish me luck.
- Don't die.
Okay.
Oh, my God, this is so good.
[sighs.]
[upbeat music.]
Okay.
No, I understand.
Yeah.
No, it's okay.
All right, I should go.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
[phone beeps.]
- Well, that sounded great.
- You want to know why my father can't come to my engagement party? Because it's his girlfriend's son birthday, who must be pretty special to him because I didn't even know he existed until today.
Or the girlfriend.
He's a fool.
No, I'm the fool.
No, you're not.
It's perfectly natural to try.
He's your father.
Yeah, and he's half-drunk at lunchtime.
I'm sorry.
Can you try to forget it? 'Cause my family's gonna adore you.
My mother can't wait to meet you.
Mmm, me too.
I'm excited.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, is there something my mom can do to help with the wedding? - She keeps asking.
- Yeah, sure.
Why don't you have Jonathan give her something to do? It would mean so much more coming from you, though.
Let her know that you want her involved.
Mmm, does she know that I barely want to be involved? [chuckles.]
Fine.
I'll give it some thought.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
I got a letter wrote tonight Finally nothing elall right Why is everything so brown? Because they're baked.
You're in L.
A.
now.
You're in the land of sun and sea, and Baby Cakes, they're kicking our asses with the freaking harpy pastels.
We need more frosting.
- Hi, babies.
- The angles hey.
Hello, gorgeous.
Can I offer you a hot cruffin? - Oh.
- No, you cannot.
Stop preying on the newly bruised and single.
And you, do not have sex with him.
I believe all I offered was a cruffin.
Same difference.
What's going on, Sweet Cheeks? - How are you? - I'm fine.
Not bruised.
I'm fine.
Sad about the whole Marco thing, but he needs to figure things out on his own.
- Good.
- Let's talk treats.
Delia's engagement party.
The theme? Champagne Nights.
Meringue floats and cherry tarts.
And golden chocolate truffles.
[gasping.]
Excellent, but fix the colors.
- The colors are fine.
- The colors are crap! Phoebe, explain to Scott L.
A.
and its superficial prettiness, please Or explain to your friend here that it's better to get off my ass and deal with her stress, like maybe Tinder up a bloke and get laid? His answer to everything.
Love heals, Jo.
Go home.
I've got everything covered here.
He is so Mm-mm.
Trying too hard.
Jo? - Hmm? - You do look a little tense.
What's going on? Well, um, Zooey's still with Frumpkis and the beast of the southern wild, and the Paradiso isn't exactly homey.
- Have you talked to Abby? - Mmmmm.
Jo, she asked you to move out, not disappear.
Let's just say I'm off the Abby train for a bit.
- Okay.
- Lay your luscious lips around this.
[elevator dings.]
That was an annoyingly clever little Twitter chat you had with Dr.
Harris this morning.
Hi.
Oh, thank Annoying and clever? Is that good? As in you tire me with pith, - but he wants to go out with you.
- What do you mean? He didn't say that.
He asked to take it offline.
That's Twitter for "meet IRL.
" What's IRL? In Real Life.
Oh, that's that's cute.
[phone beeps.]
Wow, there are so many re-tweets.
Yeah, he's got 275,000 followers, and they're already calling you two #Habby.
It spiked this A.
M.
with 59% positive emotional content, which is crazy high, and then it dropped 30%.
Why? Because you didn't respond.
How do you We have our algorithms.
You get that many mentions and you're not even a couple? You two need to go out.
Uh Look, I-I was fine with all the photo-op dates, but this is This is feeling silly.
I can come up with my own dates.
Hey, face.
This doctor guy is a very social media savvy semi-celeb, and you're trying to drive traffic to your blog and the new vertical.
So if I were you, I'd start figuring out a way how to make that thing happen.
Try something new Door.
Okay.
To blow your mind Well, now you can't sit still You gotta do something all of the time now You know you got no guts And you got no will [phone beeps, microwave beeping.]
All you want Is another shrill now Oh.
TV: Pretty one of a kind Oh, my God.
Getting laid.
Quite nice to have 270 degree views.
No.
Uh-uh.
Gabby did a great job renovating Hm.
Very nice.
[buzzer blares.]
- Hey.
- Stop harassing me, stalker.
Well, you're not responding to my calls or my many, many stalker-y texts.
Well, maybe I need some space.
I just need you to talk to me, or at least acknowledge my existence.
Fine.
What do you want? Can we go for a walk please? Two minutes.
I just don't know where you stand on anything.
- I-I know, because - I can't I can't read you.
I've been all over the place, and I'm sorry about that, but I need you to stop for a second.
No, actually physically stop and just look at me for a second.
Um, look, Abby and I are are giving it another shot.
Okay? Okay, so that just complicates things that much more.
It's not complicated.
You're back with Abby.
Great.
I'm having a baby.
Great.
Okay, but this is also my baby, and it's another baby in the family.
Not in your family.
- It's my family.
- So let me ask you this.
What do you want, Becca? Because I want to be in your and in our child's life.
Always.
Okay.
That's what I want too.
Okay.
So how is Abby? How's she dealing with all this? - Was she freaked out? - Yeah, you know.
We both definitely still love each other.
I mean, her roommate, Jo Jake, I'm not I'm not asking about your relationship.
I'm asking how Abby is dealing with the baby.
Oh, sorry.
Um, I haven't found the right time to tell her yet.
- There's been a lot going on.
- Seriously? I haven't found the right moment.
What a great start for you two.
I'm sure she's going to be thrilled when she finds out you're sitting on this little time bomb.
What if she flips out, Jake? How are you going to support me when Abby tells you it's her or our baby? - It's your party.
- Yeah.
I mean, you have to wear the red one.
We can't both be wearing red.
I'll wear something else.
Oh, come on.
How about you guys all wear red? You'll be so easy to spot.
Then I'll know exactly where to bolt when I get attacked by Gordon's people.
Oh, they're gonna love you.
Have you met his mother yet? Is she sweet? Yeah, we're having dinner tonight.
I mean, she seems fine.
I just you know, I don't do mothers or family gatherings or family, you know.
Well, who's coming from your side? Nobody, thank God.
What about those cousins in Valencia? The ones that invited you to, like, 100 different baby showers? - Phoebe, that was eons ago.
- I know.
It would be a little odd to reach out to them now.
But family is important.
People are important.
You realize that when they start disappearing on you.
- I know, I know.
- Okay.
- Classic cocktail look, check.
- Oh, nice.
And I got a new pair of shoes, and if you don't like them, I'm just gonna return - them right now.
- Abby, back me up here.
Delia has these lovely cousins in Valencia Drop it.
Seriously, just - Look at that.
- Oh, yes.
Those are yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Right? - Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Guess who I had a Twitter chat with? Who? Dr.
Harris from CNN, that sexy doctor.
Oh.
He is such a ladies' man.
Yes, but he is a yummy ladies' man.
What about Will, though? Will is gonna hate this.
He's a little bitty baby bear, and he's gonna die.
Oh, he's fine.
He gets it.
No, it's just like a you know, it's a photo-op.
- It's a re-branding thing.
- Right.
Of course.
So I mean, it's fine.
So, Jo just didn't want to shop? Well, now that she's off the Abby train What happened? She is mad that, um, she had to move.
Change is hard.
Sure, but, you know, maybe you guys should talk it out.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
I mean, we're totally fine.
Look, I'm texting her right now.
"Hi, Jo.
" Well, this is a fun date.
[laughs.]
Blah blah blah.
Talking's for dates who are too scared to screw.
God! Hello? Let the driving lessons commence.
I want pictures this time.
Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Hello.
- Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
Um, okay.
Um - Um, hey, you okay? - Yeah.
- You look - Nope.
Okay.
Evidence.
Let's get you out by the car before it's wrecked.
- You have the cutest legs.
- Mmm, I know.
They're like mini-showgirl legs.
[laughs.]
Hey, do you have cable? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, this is the Paradiso.
Paradise with an O for "Oh, so many channels to distract you from your desperate, sad lives.
" [giggles.]
- Is this weird to ask? - Hmm? "Game of Thrones" is on tonight, and Stop.
Sorry, I know that was weird.
Hells no.
How do you feel about pizza? It's one of the four essential food groups, - along with chocolate - Mm-hmm.
Your vagina, and booze.
You, sir, may very well be my perfect man.
[laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
[door opens.]
Hey, how was it? [sobbing.]
- Should I - No, stop.
Stop.
- What happened? - Driving lesson disaster.
We should talk.
Hey.
So Lily knows.
Oh, God.
I knew Zooey would tell her.
Oh, no.
It wasn't Zooey.
We haven't been exactly stealth, and Lily is not a kid anymore.
She is a driver.
She is.
What'd you tell her? Everything but the truth.
I lied.
All of these lies, Abby.
I think we need to tell them before Latvia.
- Tell them what? - I think we tell them now.
That we're dating? Yeah.
Well, then we need to talk to Betsy Brown - Both: Braun.
- Maybe.
Jake, I know you're not into the whole therapy thing, but this is - Our kids are suffering.
- I know, but And this we can't take them on this crazy ride.
- Abby.
Abby, listen to me.
- No, Jake.
No, you listen to me, Jake.
We need help.
Becca is pregnant, and you needed to know that in case that's a deal-breaker.
A baby.
Your baby with Becca.
We were careful, but obviously not enough.
When did you see her? I mean, I'm assuming you saw her Today.
She just told you? I mean, she must be a few months in.
Yeah.
She is.
- That's crazy.
- It's crazy.
It is.
I mean, Jesus, what a mess.
I know.
Look, it's a lot, but it does not have to change things between us.
It's a complication.
A complication? Seriously? It's a child, Jake.
- It's your child.
- Okay, fine.
"Complication" is the wrong word, but we can deal with this together.
We can.
Of course we can I mean, I just don't I need to digest.
I'm sure you do too.
I mean, you just found out.
Right? Right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Have you ever been as an adult? Uh, no.
I've never really had the desire.
Oh, Iran is such a beautiful country.
Oh, you have to go.
Such a rich culture.
Gordon, do you remember that exquisite rug I brought back? [phone beeps.]
Mom, Delia was basically raised here in Los Angeles.
I know, I know.
You told me that.
- It's just that I have actually been there - - Do you remember that, Gordon? - - That really hot summer? - And it's just such a fascinating place.
Is everything okay? I'm afraid not.
I have to go back to the office.
Now? What's so important? It's crazy.
It's a legal 911.
It's a custody battle.
When children are involved, it's Well, surely it could wait until the morning.
- You have to eat.
- No, I'm sorry.
It can't.
[cheerful music.]
[Abby laughing.]
I'm not used to having my picture taken.
You must be the draw.
Oh, not unless my work paid them to be here, which is entirely possible.
Evening, Doc.
- Christian.
- Ms.
McCarthy.
Harris told me to expect someone special.
- Thank you.
- I've got your table waiting.
This place is beautiful.
Actually, we're not eating in here.
Oh.
[chuckles.]
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
Thanks again for helping out with my mom.
She's, uh, she's doing great.
She's doing great? That's good.
This guy.
My mom was sick, couldn't get a diagnosis.
He figured it out in, like, ten minutes.
Well, it was a few text messages.
I'm gonna make you the meal of your lives, dude.
Sit and enjoy the chef's table.
Thanks.
We're eating here.
[laughs.]
You are not what I expected at all.
- What did you expect? - I don't know.
You're sexy like Jon Hamm, and you heal people for a living nationally on television.
- Obviously you're a jerk.
- Obviously.
And a sexist.
Aw! I shouldn't have held the door for you.
- That was it, wasn't it? - Well, whatever.
On the internet, I am the black widow.
You know I wanted my husband dead? Yeah, I heard about that.
Well, according to the internet, I'm a womanizer.
I heard about that too.
No judge.
Yeah, well, I was kind of a slut for a while.
I mean, after the marriage was over with.
- But a safe slut.
I'm a doctor.
- Yeah.
Well, no one wants their sperm running around town willy nilly.
What what's that? Sorry, nothing.
It's ex-husband stuff.
Listen, you're very, um, you don't edit much at all, do you? [laughs loudly.]
'Cause, like, I hope you don't mind my saying, - but you're stunning.
- Thank you.
It is such a relief for me to meet a woman my age who's not trying to look like she's 25.
Well, that's a losing battle, isn't it? I mean, it can be hard here.
People view aging as a preventable disease.
Ugh, they do.
There's some patients, they say, "What am I doing wrong? I just have lines in my face.
" Right? Right? You should get credit for being alive and functional.
Absolutely.
Look, I like you, and I know this is a fake date, but I feel like I should explain what the Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fake for you maybe.
This is a real date for me.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You do know that I'm I am writing? You're writing, and I'm reading what you're writing.
So write whatever you want.
Well, maybe not about my micropenis.
[laughs nervously.]
No, I'm kidding.
It's like an eggplant.
I just really want to get to know you, so give me all you have.
[sighs.]
- Knock knock.
- Hey.
Hey.
What happened at dinner? Eh, I had to get out of there before I lost it.
Gordon's mom wanted to talk about all things Persian.
- Tell me she has a rug.
- She has two! And forget about the amazing pistachios she had while she was there.
She's trying to connect.
That's sweet.
Yeah, well, why doesn't she ask me about law school? And my Manolos, for crying out loud.
Did you tell her that? I hated my in-laws at first.
They were too pushy, too loud, but after my parents died, they saved my bacon.
- Hmm.
- And they're kosher.
- Keep an open mind.
- Oh, I am.
- I am done here.
- Hmm.
Not me.
I got to stay long enough to support my web of lies.
Hey, kid.
Getting married is about family.
- That's why people do it.
- Yeah.
- You know that, right? - I know.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
We're all that we need When everything is wrong Okay, you go first.
Okay, um Married ten years, divorced for five.
We don't really talk that much.
No kids.
And you? I was married 17 years.
Two kids.
Divorced.
Um Well, not quite divorced yet, but paper-worked.
Crazy part is paperwork done, we turned a corner, and we're getting along, like, a lot, and then today, I find out bang that he knocked up his ex-girlfriend.
So that's happening.
A baby.
His baby with this very young woman who he's not even dating anymore, and - That's rough.
- It's crazy.
- Yeah, I know.
- I mean, that is life.
Right? I mean, you just have to roll with the punches.
[both laugh.]
Right.
You just have to roll with the sucker punches.
Oh, my God.
[crying.]
Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, no.
It's okay.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay.
It happens.
No, not to me it doesn't.
That was a first.
I was fine, and then my feelings just sat down on the table, so Listen, would said feelings care for a chocolate souffle? What do you say? No, I think I should just go home, but this has been really nice.
I did edit.
I'm so sorry.
My ex and I, we are We are exploring being together again, so it's just a confusing time.
Basically means I'm living a lie again, and my dates have to be fake, which means involving nice, great people like you, which isn't fair, - and now the whole baby thing.
- Hey, listen.
Listen, I appreciate you telling me this.
- Yeah.
- Okay? - I'll keep it under my hat.
- Okay.
A not-actually-divorced woman has to make a living somehow, - right? - I guess.
It's just so up in the air right now.
I know.
Can I at least walk you out? That would be great.
Thank you.
[slow pop music.]
- Okay, so - I get it.
Flowers.
I'm thinking cream and silver with just a hint of scarlet.
- Hmm.
- And for the gift table, - gorgeous, gorgeous garlands.
- Oh.
And I saved the best for last.
- Okay.
- Are you ready? Mm-hmm.
Look.
- What is this? - It's the Banais of Valencia.
I know that you didn't think they were your kind of people so I vetted them myself, so trust me, Delia, they are dear hearts.
You are going to love having them.
How did you even find them? Well, turns out there's not that many Banais in Valencia.
You invited them? Seriously, Phoebe? Even for you, this is childish.
Violating.
What does that mean, even for me? I mean you don't know when to stop.
Helping's only helpful if you're not going completely rogue and doing things on your Forgive me for caring about you, Delia.
I just see the pain that you have with the loss of your mother.
Okay, no.
No, this is about you and your bad taste in men.
Okay? I did divorce number one and number two for you.
Let me tell you something.
Marco did you a favor, okay? You don't have to pay me for number three.
Deal with your own pain, and leave mine the hell alone.
[tense music.]
Paparazzi pictures of your date are on the site.
- Yeah? Are they nice? - Yes.
You both look very rich and well-groomed.
We're using 'em as click bait, so we need you to tease your column.
- So get tweeting.
- Okay.
Well, I don't know what to say.
Seriously, it was a disaster.
- I blew it.
- Really? - That's fantastic.
- What? As a twist.
The pictures make it look like a love match.
My fail fills you with glee.
Admit it.
It does, but it's also good for your story.
Fine, I will write about my epic meltdown in 140 character or less.
#Datefail.
- And thousands of angry women's days - just got a little brighter.
Aw.
So it's like a public service.
[clicks tongue.]
So for the party, we're going to have to substitute the apricot for the cherry.
[wild giggling.]
Can you get your face out that God awful device? You know, you're lowering your I.
Q.
every time you look at that thing.
What? Hey, listen to this.
Listen to this.
So I said my spirit animal is Khaleesi, and Adam was all, "You can mother my dragon anytime.
" [giggles.]
I'm gonna invite him to be my date to this thing.
I can invite him.
He can be my date, right? I don't know, but, I mean, you have just met the guy, so it's probably not the best idea.
Well, I'm not talking to Abby, and Delia's gonna be occupied, and Phoebe's throwing the party, so she's gonna be nuts.
I need a date so I don't get stuck doing - the small talk thing.
- You can talk to me.
I'm inviting him, and you were so wrong about the phone, by the way.
This machine is amazing.
I can Tinder up a boyfriend like that.
Fine.
Will you and your Tinder man be enjoying apricot tarts, or should we do mini dong dongs instead? I'm never suggesting you have sex again.
Ever.
Too late.
I'm practically engaged.
Truth.
The baby news upset me more than I realized at first.
I get that.
It's upsetting.
I just didn't think we could handle something so big, you know, when we're so new and raw, but then I realized that you have handled things so differently from the way you would in the past.
- I have? - Totally.
You went through stuff all the time that you didn't tell me about till after the fact or unless you absolutely had to, so, and this time you came right to me, - and that gives me hope for us - Okay.
That we won't have to hide things this time.
No, I know.
Abby, I think I need to Wait, wait.
- Jake, I'm not done.
- No, hold on one second.
No, Jake.
You did it right, Jake, but I have not shared something because I thought that you would be hurt or Okay.
The night that I broke up with Will after you and I were back together, things got physical.
He hit you? Oh, no.
The other kind of physical.
Okay.
I was spun.
I was emotional.
I'm not making excuses.
It was not I was wrong.
Okay, and this is the night you went to talk to him? Yes.
I'm so sorry.
I hope you can forgive me, and if something like this was ever going to happen again, which it's not, I will not keep it from you for even a day.
Damn.
Okay.
So you're not perfect.
God knows I'm not.
This is I forgive you, Abby McCarthy.
[blows.]
Thank you.
Wow.
I just feel like if we can communicate like this, I do think we can get through it.
The baby Me too.
I know you have a lot on your plate, so when the Banais get here, I will keep them entertained.
They are my responsibility.
- I will make sure that - Oh, Phoebe.
Please don't.
I will take care of them.
You have done enough.
[cork pops.]
Whoo! I'm going to find Gordon.
Oh, swanky.
All right.
Now this is what I'm talking about.
Oh, I'm getting my shrimp on.
Have you ever seen this much shrimp before? Let's pretend we both have.
That's a oh, take it easy there, hoss.
Had a few pre-game cocktails, milady, - so I'm just adding a base layer.
- Got it, got it.
- All right.
- All right.
So this must be the Tinder Lothario - that I've heard so much about.
- Yeah.
Hey, I'm Scott.
Oh, cool.
I'm Adam.
Quite the charmer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How are you? Okay, you're still upset with me, because you haven't been returning any of my messages.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm just busy.
I've been dating someone.
Oh, my God.
How did that happen? Why, does it seem impossible? Not at all.
I just didn't know.
There's a lot going on for both of us.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- I miss talking to you.
- Yeah.
Well, you should.
I'm awesome.
Yeah, you are.
So you go first.
[giggles.]
Tell me more about this guy, and oh, and I have to tell you about the incredibly surreal Jake news.
Okay.
He's very, very Open bar.
Sweet baby Jesus.
Hold my shrimp, babes.
Hi.
Babes? Is that the Yeah, that's my friend.
You got a problem with that? Uh, no, he's cute.
Young.
How old is he? Wow, coming from the baby dater? That's amazing.
Just open up your mouth, and the hypocrisy just flows out.
I wasn't trying to insult you.
You didn't have to try.
It's your resting state.
Excuse me.
Have you seen Jo's new beau? Whoo! He's quite the He's quite the live-wire.
Oh, my God.
Well, hey, maybe he'll distract from my crazy relatives.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just heard from the Banais of Valencia, and they can't make it after all.
So what a relief.
What? Are you serious? I didn't even want to invite these people, now they're rejecting me.
What? No Hmm.
I thought you'd be relieved.
Oh, Phoebe.
Just stop thinking.
It's not your strong suit.
Delia.
I'm going to go get something else to drink.
It's okay, Phoebe.
Oh, no, there's going be a significant amount of renegotiating.
You should see what Delia's clients use to bargain with.
And that's why I get everything in writing.
[both chuckle.]
Delia, could I steal you for a moment? Mom, we talked about this.
I know, dear, but it's just a little gift.
No, it's okay.
It's fine.
Oh my gosh, what is this? Oh, what did you do? - You shouldn't have.
- Oh, it's my pleasure.
I did a little research on the wedding customs in your country.
- Aw.
- Uh-huh.
Oh my gosh, it's a Yes, yes.
Well, you'll have to forgive my pronunciation.
It's a termeh.
It's part of the traditional Persian wedding spread, right? I know usually the mother of the bride gives it to her daughter, but I just wanted you to have something to remember the wedding by.
Um Would you excuse me for just a moment? Yes, I [sighs.]
Hey, you okay? That looked abrupt.
Yeah, well, that's just kind of my personal brand.
I'm really sorry that I was such a bitch to you earlier.
I'm just so on edge.
Hey, it's I know.
It's okay.
Thank you, though.
I mean, I did overstep my boundaries.
No, no.
Banais of Valencia are the least of my concerns.
It's just Gordon's mother.
It's like she thinks she's marrying off the prodigal son to the Princess Jasmine.
Okay, well, maybe she's coming on a little bit strong, but I think she means well.
And she doesn't even know me.
Gordon said she hated Courtney.
What do you want to bet it started out like this? All affection and "Let me be your mom," and oh, it's a setup.
Mmmmaybe, maybe not.
Look, Delia, our backgrounds are not that different.
Nobody told us that sometimes, people stay, and they do their best to love us.
And you were right about everything.
I am messed up about Marco, and I try to fix everybody else's stuff 'cause I don't have the first clue to fix my own, but look, I am so proud of you for making this huge open-hearted leap.
[exhales sharply.]
Get up.
God.
[giggles.]
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Where's Shrimp Boy? - Mmm.
Don't know, don't care.
[loud thud.]
Attention, party people! I just want to thank all you kick-ass people for kicking ass! Are you out of your mind? Especially you two, - the happy couple.
- Adam.
You guys are gonna be so happy.
Adam, what the hell are you doing? And you know what? [crowd screams, glass shatters.]
Right here.
Get down from here! What are you doing? Get down from there.
Get down from there now.
I'm ashamed you were ever inside of me.
- Get down.
- All right, mate.
I think it's time for you to say good night.
- Yo, easy, bro.
- As they say, it's not a real party until somebody's forcibly removed.
Ow.
I bruise easy, okay? Take it easy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm gonna go.
What the hell was that? Don't tell me I missed all the fun.
How about you? You okay? You seem a little dazed.
Yes.
Jake dropped a huge bomb on me yesterday.
- Was it a baby-shaped bomb? - Yeah.
Good, I'm glad he finally manned up and told you.
I mean, Max and I both told him to Well, how long have you known? Uh, not 100% sure How long have you known? Um, I'm gonna say a while.
Abby, wait.
For what it's worth, he was trying Abby Oh, shit.
[door slams.]
Oh gosh, I'm sorry, - I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
No.
He, like, ruined the party.
- Forget it.
- I'm so sorry.
No.
It's not like he melted the butter sculpture.
- You have a butter sculpture? - Jo.
- Oh.
- Look, the next time you decide to Tinder date, will you call me first? I could've told you that was gonna end in a disaster.
The guy's a classic number one.
Number one? What's a number one? - I've done my fair share of swiping.
- Okay.
You can pretty much break down the types of guys that date older or divorced women.
Oh.
- Number one.
- Do tell.
- Young guys.
- Okay.
Like, under 30 young.
They age up because they figure you're a sure thing.
You do not under any circumstance - bring them out in public.
- Go on.
- He's a toy.
- Okay.
- He's a boy.
That's it.
- That's fascinating.
Number two, the never-been-married guy.
Nine times out of ten, creepy like a serial killer.
- Pass.
- Okay.
Number three, newly divorced and looking to unearth his long-buried libido.
He's charming, but he's gonna stop messaging you as soon as he bags a 26-year-old.
- Oh, that freaking prick.
- Number four, just divorced.
Lonely and looking to reconstitute a family.
He will be your instant boyfriend, and then he will attach to you like a barnacle and suffocate you.
I'm just I'm so happy that we're having this conversation.
So from now on, I'm number one-ing in private.
Oh, no violence.
And you're right, because it's live.
So she's not gonna No, right.
Um, Carol, I'm sorry about I I really appreciate your gesture.
That was lovely.
I understand I overstepped.
The thing is that I just I barely remember my mom or Iran, but um, you made a wonderful man who I love, and we have that in common.
So let's just take it slow.
Okay.
Thank you.
Good.
Would you maybe help me with the seating arrangement for the reception? You know where the bodies are buried, right? Put mortal enemies together.
Oh, I'd love to.
- Yes? - Yes.
Okay, good.
That's good.
Good.
This is the part where you hug.
- He's such a control freak.
- So bossy.
[chuckling.]
[dog barks.]
Hey.
How dare you? How what? You let me sit there and commend you on your growth as a person? On how open and honest you were? How long have you known that Becca was pregnant? Shh, the kids are sleeping.
Calm down.
No, I how long have you known? Answer the damn question.
- Whoa.
About a month.
- Oh my God.
But she didn't know if she was going to keep it, and there was no reason to tell you.
So you then, like old times, decided that it was better for me not to know while we're talking about future? And radical honesty? You knew that you might be a father again.
You knew that our kids might have a half-sibling.
- It's unbelievable - Just Jesus Christ, okay? You know, it hasn't been exactly easy to share with you, Abby.
I've been very clear.
I am in.
I am all in, and you're the one with one foot out.
- What? - Just like old times.
I don't I'm trying to think.
I'm trying to think and just slow things down, and you as usual just want to dive in.
- Damn the consequences.
- No, you're not A baby.
- That is a huge omission.
- I know.
You didn't tell me about Will until you had some moral epiphany because I told you about Becca.
Will does not affect the rest of our lives.
Oh, no, Will affects my life, because here I am again wondering if I can trust you.
Again.
Well, then that just goes both ways, because I can't do this anymore, Jake.
I can't keep letting you "yes" me to death while you sidestep feelings.
- That's not what happened.
- That's what killed us.
Okay, fine.
It's my fault.
It's all my fault, Abby.
Yeah, you know what? It kind of is.
[scoffs.]
The orange was the size of a watermelon to me Well at least that is my memory Sunshine made my bare feet burn upon the road Far away we'd roam - Freeze! - Geez! [laughs.]
Boys would laugh and tease about my black feet They'd tell stories that would warm my soul Motorbikes and chrome - But Jimmy could not wait to get home - Homebird sing Fly me high on an angel's wing
" I'm having a baby.
I mean, if you think this is gonna get easier to break to Abby the longer you wait, you are seriously clueless.
I'm struggling right now, and I can't get right if I'm with you.
You're the sexy face of divorce.
We want to see you at gallery openings and fashion shows.
Did you say engagement party? Yeah, it's no big deal.
Just a few dozen friends.
I don't have time to plan an engagement party.
You have been living at my house for the past couple of months.
Come on, Jo.
All this bullshit about it being in my best interest to move out when it was really about you sliding back into crazy with Jake.
Will.
We have to talk.
Mmm.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Howdy, neighbor.
[giggles.]
["Forever Drunk" by Miss Li.]
I am stumbling out of bed With an aching head Hello? You came.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I had a fake date last night.
Which consisted of a five-course meal of edibles from which I hope one day to come down.
Oh my goodness.
I made the babysitter sleep over.
Good.
And I am just telling you all of this in the spirit of radical honesty.
Oh, are we still in the spirit of radical honesty? I enjoyed that so much the first time.
That is my pledge to you.
I am dedicated to the truth from here on in.
Wow.
Right? My honest truth to you is that I'm really glad that I'm doing Lilly's driving lesson because you are a terrible driver.
Thanks for picking up my slack.
It's a lot of fake dates lately.
Should I be worried? No, guy last night was so boring.
I am looking at your face.
So I'm sensing that I should tell them to tone it down with the fake date.
I'm just making sure that we're still We're great.
Come on.
- We are better than great.
- Aw.
We are? Yeah.
Okay.
Last night, I was trying to tweet about my dumb date.
I think I got Lils.
Did you see Daddy's here? Hi, Lilly Vanilly.
Daddy's gonna do your driving lesson today instead of me.
Daddy's doing it? - So much better.
- Yeah.
Why is it better? Mom, you almost killed a kid at school with your car.
True.
Whoo-hoo, I'm driving! Okay, call us when you get to the liquor store.
Yay.
Hey, how do you know Dr.
Harris? Which doctor? Who? No, not Doctor Who.
I wish.
No, this guy's on TV.
He's, like, an Oprah doctor.
Look, he's responding to your tweets.
That's so funny.
It is, and that's here's what you should say back.
[keyboard clicks.]
- That's hilarious.
- Yeah.
Okay, let's do it.
[car horn honks.]
All right.
Mirror, mirror on the wall - Wish me luck.
- Don't die.
Okay.
Oh, my God, this is so good.
[sighs.]
[upbeat music.]
Okay.
No, I understand.
Yeah.
No, it's okay.
All right, I should go.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
[phone beeps.]
- Well, that sounded great.
- You want to know why my father can't come to my engagement party? Because it's his girlfriend's son birthday, who must be pretty special to him because I didn't even know he existed until today.
Or the girlfriend.
He's a fool.
No, I'm the fool.
No, you're not.
It's perfectly natural to try.
He's your father.
Yeah, and he's half-drunk at lunchtime.
I'm sorry.
Can you try to forget it? 'Cause my family's gonna adore you.
My mother can't wait to meet you.
Mmm, me too.
I'm excited.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, is there something my mom can do to help with the wedding? - She keeps asking.
- Yeah, sure.
Why don't you have Jonathan give her something to do? It would mean so much more coming from you, though.
Let her know that you want her involved.
Mmm, does she know that I barely want to be involved? [chuckles.]
Fine.
I'll give it some thought.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
I got a letter wrote tonight Finally nothing elall right Why is everything so brown? Because they're baked.
You're in L.
A.
now.
You're in the land of sun and sea, and Baby Cakes, they're kicking our asses with the freaking harpy pastels.
We need more frosting.
- Hi, babies.
- The angles hey.
Hello, gorgeous.
Can I offer you a hot cruffin? - Oh.
- No, you cannot.
Stop preying on the newly bruised and single.
And you, do not have sex with him.
I believe all I offered was a cruffin.
Same difference.
What's going on, Sweet Cheeks? - How are you? - I'm fine.
Not bruised.
I'm fine.
Sad about the whole Marco thing, but he needs to figure things out on his own.
- Good.
- Let's talk treats.
Delia's engagement party.
The theme? Champagne Nights.
Meringue floats and cherry tarts.
And golden chocolate truffles.
[gasping.]
Excellent, but fix the colors.
- The colors are fine.
- The colors are crap! Phoebe, explain to Scott L.
A.
and its superficial prettiness, please Or explain to your friend here that it's better to get off my ass and deal with her stress, like maybe Tinder up a bloke and get laid? His answer to everything.
Love heals, Jo.
Go home.
I've got everything covered here.
He is so Mm-mm.
Trying too hard.
Jo? - Hmm? - You do look a little tense.
What's going on? Well, um, Zooey's still with Frumpkis and the beast of the southern wild, and the Paradiso isn't exactly homey.
- Have you talked to Abby? - Mmmmm.
Jo, she asked you to move out, not disappear.
Let's just say I'm off the Abby train for a bit.
- Okay.
- Lay your luscious lips around this.
[elevator dings.]
That was an annoyingly clever little Twitter chat you had with Dr.
Harris this morning.
Hi.
Oh, thank Annoying and clever? Is that good? As in you tire me with pith, - but he wants to go out with you.
- What do you mean? He didn't say that.
He asked to take it offline.
That's Twitter for "meet IRL.
" What's IRL? In Real Life.
Oh, that's that's cute.
[phone beeps.]
Wow, there are so many re-tweets.
Yeah, he's got 275,000 followers, and they're already calling you two #Habby.
It spiked this A.
M.
with 59% positive emotional content, which is crazy high, and then it dropped 30%.
Why? Because you didn't respond.
How do you We have our algorithms.
You get that many mentions and you're not even a couple? You two need to go out.
Uh Look, I-I was fine with all the photo-op dates, but this is This is feeling silly.
I can come up with my own dates.
Hey, face.
This doctor guy is a very social media savvy semi-celeb, and you're trying to drive traffic to your blog and the new vertical.
So if I were you, I'd start figuring out a way how to make that thing happen.
Try something new Door.
Okay.
To blow your mind Well, now you can't sit still You gotta do something all of the time now You know you got no guts And you got no will [phone beeps, microwave beeping.]
All you want Is another shrill now Oh.
TV: Pretty one of a kind Oh, my God.
Getting laid.
Quite nice to have 270 degree views.
No.
Uh-uh.
Gabby did a great job renovating Hm.
Very nice.
[buzzer blares.]
- Hey.
- Stop harassing me, stalker.
Well, you're not responding to my calls or my many, many stalker-y texts.
Well, maybe I need some space.
I just need you to talk to me, or at least acknowledge my existence.
Fine.
What do you want? Can we go for a walk please? Two minutes.
I just don't know where you stand on anything.
- I-I know, because - I can't I can't read you.
I've been all over the place, and I'm sorry about that, but I need you to stop for a second.
No, actually physically stop and just look at me for a second.
Um, look, Abby and I are are giving it another shot.
Okay? Okay, so that just complicates things that much more.
It's not complicated.
You're back with Abby.
Great.
I'm having a baby.
Great.
Okay, but this is also my baby, and it's another baby in the family.
Not in your family.
- It's my family.
- So let me ask you this.
What do you want, Becca? Because I want to be in your and in our child's life.
Always.
Okay.
That's what I want too.
Okay.
So how is Abby? How's she dealing with all this? - Was she freaked out? - Yeah, you know.
We both definitely still love each other.
I mean, her roommate, Jo Jake, I'm not I'm not asking about your relationship.
I'm asking how Abby is dealing with the baby.
Oh, sorry.
Um, I haven't found the right time to tell her yet.
- There's been a lot going on.
- Seriously? I haven't found the right moment.
What a great start for you two.
I'm sure she's going to be thrilled when she finds out you're sitting on this little time bomb.
What if she flips out, Jake? How are you going to support me when Abby tells you it's her or our baby? - It's your party.
- Yeah.
I mean, you have to wear the red one.
We can't both be wearing red.
I'll wear something else.
Oh, come on.
How about you guys all wear red? You'll be so easy to spot.
Then I'll know exactly where to bolt when I get attacked by Gordon's people.
Oh, they're gonna love you.
Have you met his mother yet? Is she sweet? Yeah, we're having dinner tonight.
I mean, she seems fine.
I just you know, I don't do mothers or family gatherings or family, you know.
Well, who's coming from your side? Nobody, thank God.
What about those cousins in Valencia? The ones that invited you to, like, 100 different baby showers? - Phoebe, that was eons ago.
- I know.
It would be a little odd to reach out to them now.
But family is important.
People are important.
You realize that when they start disappearing on you.
- I know, I know.
- Okay.
- Classic cocktail look, check.
- Oh, nice.
And I got a new pair of shoes, and if you don't like them, I'm just gonna return - them right now.
- Abby, back me up here.
Delia has these lovely cousins in Valencia Drop it.
Seriously, just - Look at that.
- Oh, yes.
Those are yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Right? - Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Guess who I had a Twitter chat with? Who? Dr.
Harris from CNN, that sexy doctor.
Oh.
He is such a ladies' man.
Yes, but he is a yummy ladies' man.
What about Will, though? Will is gonna hate this.
He's a little bitty baby bear, and he's gonna die.
Oh, he's fine.
He gets it.
No, it's just like a you know, it's a photo-op.
- It's a re-branding thing.
- Right.
Of course.
So I mean, it's fine.
So, Jo just didn't want to shop? Well, now that she's off the Abby train What happened? She is mad that, um, she had to move.
Change is hard.
Sure, but, you know, maybe you guys should talk it out.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
I mean, we're totally fine.
Look, I'm texting her right now.
"Hi, Jo.
" Well, this is a fun date.
[laughs.]
Blah blah blah.
Talking's for dates who are too scared to screw.
God! Hello? Let the driving lessons commence.
I want pictures this time.
Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Hello.
- Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
Um, okay.
Um - Um, hey, you okay? - Yeah.
- You look - Nope.
Okay.
Evidence.
Let's get you out by the car before it's wrecked.
- You have the cutest legs.
- Mmm, I know.
They're like mini-showgirl legs.
[laughs.]
Hey, do you have cable? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, this is the Paradiso.
Paradise with an O for "Oh, so many channels to distract you from your desperate, sad lives.
" [giggles.]
- Is this weird to ask? - Hmm? "Game of Thrones" is on tonight, and Stop.
Sorry, I know that was weird.
Hells no.
How do you feel about pizza? It's one of the four essential food groups, - along with chocolate - Mm-hmm.
Your vagina, and booze.
You, sir, may very well be my perfect man.
[laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
[door opens.]
Hey, how was it? [sobbing.]
- Should I - No, stop.
Stop.
- What happened? - Driving lesson disaster.
We should talk.
Hey.
So Lily knows.
Oh, God.
I knew Zooey would tell her.
Oh, no.
It wasn't Zooey.
We haven't been exactly stealth, and Lily is not a kid anymore.
She is a driver.
She is.
What'd you tell her? Everything but the truth.
I lied.
All of these lies, Abby.
I think we need to tell them before Latvia.
- Tell them what? - I think we tell them now.
That we're dating? Yeah.
Well, then we need to talk to Betsy Brown - Both: Braun.
- Maybe.
Jake, I know you're not into the whole therapy thing, but this is - Our kids are suffering.
- I know, but And this we can't take them on this crazy ride.
- Abby.
Abby, listen to me.
- No, Jake.
No, you listen to me, Jake.
We need help.
Becca is pregnant, and you needed to know that in case that's a deal-breaker.
A baby.
Your baby with Becca.
We were careful, but obviously not enough.
When did you see her? I mean, I'm assuming you saw her Today.
She just told you? I mean, she must be a few months in.
Yeah.
She is.
- That's crazy.
- It's crazy.
It is.
I mean, Jesus, what a mess.
I know.
Look, it's a lot, but it does not have to change things between us.
It's a complication.
A complication? Seriously? It's a child, Jake.
- It's your child.
- Okay, fine.
"Complication" is the wrong word, but we can deal with this together.
We can.
Of course we can I mean, I just don't I need to digest.
I'm sure you do too.
I mean, you just found out.
Right? Right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Have you ever been as an adult? Uh, no.
I've never really had the desire.
Oh, Iran is such a beautiful country.
Oh, you have to go.
Such a rich culture.
Gordon, do you remember that exquisite rug I brought back? [phone beeps.]
Mom, Delia was basically raised here in Los Angeles.
I know, I know.
You told me that.
- It's just that I have actually been there - - Do you remember that, Gordon? - - That really hot summer? - And it's just such a fascinating place.
Is everything okay? I'm afraid not.
I have to go back to the office.
Now? What's so important? It's crazy.
It's a legal 911.
It's a custody battle.
When children are involved, it's Well, surely it could wait until the morning.
- You have to eat.
- No, I'm sorry.
It can't.
[cheerful music.]
[Abby laughing.]
I'm not used to having my picture taken.
You must be the draw.
Oh, not unless my work paid them to be here, which is entirely possible.
Evening, Doc.
- Christian.
- Ms.
McCarthy.
Harris told me to expect someone special.
- Thank you.
- I've got your table waiting.
This place is beautiful.
Actually, we're not eating in here.
Oh.
[chuckles.]
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
Thanks again for helping out with my mom.
She's, uh, she's doing great.
She's doing great? That's good.
This guy.
My mom was sick, couldn't get a diagnosis.
He figured it out in, like, ten minutes.
Well, it was a few text messages.
I'm gonna make you the meal of your lives, dude.
Sit and enjoy the chef's table.
Thanks.
We're eating here.
[laughs.]
You are not what I expected at all.
- What did you expect? - I don't know.
You're sexy like Jon Hamm, and you heal people for a living nationally on television.
- Obviously you're a jerk.
- Obviously.
And a sexist.
Aw! I shouldn't have held the door for you.
- That was it, wasn't it? - Well, whatever.
On the internet, I am the black widow.
You know I wanted my husband dead? Yeah, I heard about that.
Well, according to the internet, I'm a womanizer.
I heard about that too.
No judge.
Yeah, well, I was kind of a slut for a while.
I mean, after the marriage was over with.
- But a safe slut.
I'm a doctor.
- Yeah.
Well, no one wants their sperm running around town willy nilly.
What what's that? Sorry, nothing.
It's ex-husband stuff.
Listen, you're very, um, you don't edit much at all, do you? [laughs loudly.]
'Cause, like, I hope you don't mind my saying, - but you're stunning.
- Thank you.
It is such a relief for me to meet a woman my age who's not trying to look like she's 25.
Well, that's a losing battle, isn't it? I mean, it can be hard here.
People view aging as a preventable disease.
Ugh, they do.
There's some patients, they say, "What am I doing wrong? I just have lines in my face.
" Right? Right? You should get credit for being alive and functional.
Absolutely.
Look, I like you, and I know this is a fake date, but I feel like I should explain what the Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fake for you maybe.
This is a real date for me.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You do know that I'm I am writing? You're writing, and I'm reading what you're writing.
So write whatever you want.
Well, maybe not about my micropenis.
[laughs nervously.]
No, I'm kidding.
It's like an eggplant.
I just really want to get to know you, so give me all you have.
[sighs.]
- Knock knock.
- Hey.
Hey.
What happened at dinner? Eh, I had to get out of there before I lost it.
Gordon's mom wanted to talk about all things Persian.
- Tell me she has a rug.
- She has two! And forget about the amazing pistachios she had while she was there.
She's trying to connect.
That's sweet.
Yeah, well, why doesn't she ask me about law school? And my Manolos, for crying out loud.
Did you tell her that? I hated my in-laws at first.
They were too pushy, too loud, but after my parents died, they saved my bacon.
- Hmm.
- And they're kosher.
- Keep an open mind.
- Oh, I am.
- I am done here.
- Hmm.
Not me.
I got to stay long enough to support my web of lies.
Hey, kid.
Getting married is about family.
- That's why people do it.
- Yeah.
- You know that, right? - I know.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
We're all that we need When everything is wrong Okay, you go first.
Okay, um Married ten years, divorced for five.
We don't really talk that much.
No kids.
And you? I was married 17 years.
Two kids.
Divorced.
Um Well, not quite divorced yet, but paper-worked.
Crazy part is paperwork done, we turned a corner, and we're getting along, like, a lot, and then today, I find out bang that he knocked up his ex-girlfriend.
So that's happening.
A baby.
His baby with this very young woman who he's not even dating anymore, and - That's rough.
- It's crazy.
- Yeah, I know.
- I mean, that is life.
Right? I mean, you just have to roll with the punches.
[both laugh.]
Right.
You just have to roll with the sucker punches.
Oh, my God.
[crying.]
Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, no.
It's okay.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay.
It happens.
No, not to me it doesn't.
That was a first.
I was fine, and then my feelings just sat down on the table, so Listen, would said feelings care for a chocolate souffle? What do you say? No, I think I should just go home, but this has been really nice.
I did edit.
I'm so sorry.
My ex and I, we are We are exploring being together again, so it's just a confusing time.
Basically means I'm living a lie again, and my dates have to be fake, which means involving nice, great people like you, which isn't fair, - and now the whole baby thing.
- Hey, listen.
Listen, I appreciate you telling me this.
- Yeah.
- Okay? - I'll keep it under my hat.
- Okay.
A not-actually-divorced woman has to make a living somehow, - right? - I guess.
It's just so up in the air right now.
I know.
Can I at least walk you out? That would be great.
Thank you.
[slow pop music.]
- Okay, so - I get it.
Flowers.
I'm thinking cream and silver with just a hint of scarlet.
- Hmm.
- And for the gift table, - gorgeous, gorgeous garlands.
- Oh.
And I saved the best for last.
- Okay.
- Are you ready? Mm-hmm.
Look.
- What is this? - It's the Banais of Valencia.
I know that you didn't think they were your kind of people so I vetted them myself, so trust me, Delia, they are dear hearts.
You are going to love having them.
How did you even find them? Well, turns out there's not that many Banais in Valencia.
You invited them? Seriously, Phoebe? Even for you, this is childish.
Violating.
What does that mean, even for me? I mean you don't know when to stop.
Helping's only helpful if you're not going completely rogue and doing things on your Forgive me for caring about you, Delia.
I just see the pain that you have with the loss of your mother.
Okay, no.
No, this is about you and your bad taste in men.
Okay? I did divorce number one and number two for you.
Let me tell you something.
Marco did you a favor, okay? You don't have to pay me for number three.
Deal with your own pain, and leave mine the hell alone.
[tense music.]
Paparazzi pictures of your date are on the site.
- Yeah? Are they nice? - Yes.
You both look very rich and well-groomed.
We're using 'em as click bait, so we need you to tease your column.
- So get tweeting.
- Okay.
Well, I don't know what to say.
Seriously, it was a disaster.
- I blew it.
- Really? - That's fantastic.
- What? As a twist.
The pictures make it look like a love match.
My fail fills you with glee.
Admit it.
It does, but it's also good for your story.
Fine, I will write about my epic meltdown in 140 character or less.
#Datefail.
- And thousands of angry women's days - just got a little brighter.
Aw.
So it's like a public service.
[clicks tongue.]
So for the party, we're going to have to substitute the apricot for the cherry.
[wild giggling.]
Can you get your face out that God awful device? You know, you're lowering your I.
Q.
every time you look at that thing.
What? Hey, listen to this.
Listen to this.
So I said my spirit animal is Khaleesi, and Adam was all, "You can mother my dragon anytime.
" [giggles.]
I'm gonna invite him to be my date to this thing.
I can invite him.
He can be my date, right? I don't know, but, I mean, you have just met the guy, so it's probably not the best idea.
Well, I'm not talking to Abby, and Delia's gonna be occupied, and Phoebe's throwing the party, so she's gonna be nuts.
I need a date so I don't get stuck doing - the small talk thing.
- You can talk to me.
I'm inviting him, and you were so wrong about the phone, by the way.
This machine is amazing.
I can Tinder up a boyfriend like that.
Fine.
Will you and your Tinder man be enjoying apricot tarts, or should we do mini dong dongs instead? I'm never suggesting you have sex again.
Ever.
Too late.
I'm practically engaged.
Truth.
The baby news upset me more than I realized at first.
I get that.
It's upsetting.
I just didn't think we could handle something so big, you know, when we're so new and raw, but then I realized that you have handled things so differently from the way you would in the past.
- I have? - Totally.
You went through stuff all the time that you didn't tell me about till after the fact or unless you absolutely had to, so, and this time you came right to me, - and that gives me hope for us - Okay.
That we won't have to hide things this time.
No, I know.
Abby, I think I need to Wait, wait.
- Jake, I'm not done.
- No, hold on one second.
No, Jake.
You did it right, Jake, but I have not shared something because I thought that you would be hurt or Okay.
The night that I broke up with Will after you and I were back together, things got physical.
He hit you? Oh, no.
The other kind of physical.
Okay.
I was spun.
I was emotional.
I'm not making excuses.
It was not I was wrong.
Okay, and this is the night you went to talk to him? Yes.
I'm so sorry.
I hope you can forgive me, and if something like this was ever going to happen again, which it's not, I will not keep it from you for even a day.
Damn.
Okay.
So you're not perfect.
God knows I'm not.
This is I forgive you, Abby McCarthy.
[blows.]
Thank you.
Wow.
I just feel like if we can communicate like this, I do think we can get through it.
The baby Me too.
I know you have a lot on your plate, so when the Banais get here, I will keep them entertained.
They are my responsibility.
- I will make sure that - Oh, Phoebe.
Please don't.
I will take care of them.
You have done enough.
[cork pops.]
Whoo! I'm going to find Gordon.
Oh, swanky.
All right.
Now this is what I'm talking about.
Oh, I'm getting my shrimp on.
Have you ever seen this much shrimp before? Let's pretend we both have.
That's a oh, take it easy there, hoss.
Had a few pre-game cocktails, milady, - so I'm just adding a base layer.
- Got it, got it.
- All right.
- All right.
So this must be the Tinder Lothario - that I've heard so much about.
- Yeah.
Hey, I'm Scott.
Oh, cool.
I'm Adam.
Quite the charmer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How are you? Okay, you're still upset with me, because you haven't been returning any of my messages.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm just busy.
I've been dating someone.
Oh, my God.
How did that happen? Why, does it seem impossible? Not at all.
I just didn't know.
There's a lot going on for both of us.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- I miss talking to you.
- Yeah.
Well, you should.
I'm awesome.
Yeah, you are.
So you go first.
[giggles.]
Tell me more about this guy, and oh, and I have to tell you about the incredibly surreal Jake news.
Okay.
He's very, very Open bar.
Sweet baby Jesus.
Hold my shrimp, babes.
Hi.
Babes? Is that the Yeah, that's my friend.
You got a problem with that? Uh, no, he's cute.
Young.
How old is he? Wow, coming from the baby dater? That's amazing.
Just open up your mouth, and the hypocrisy just flows out.
I wasn't trying to insult you.
You didn't have to try.
It's your resting state.
Excuse me.
Have you seen Jo's new beau? Whoo! He's quite the He's quite the live-wire.
Oh, my God.
Well, hey, maybe he'll distract from my crazy relatives.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just heard from the Banais of Valencia, and they can't make it after all.
So what a relief.
What? Are you serious? I didn't even want to invite these people, now they're rejecting me.
What? No Hmm.
I thought you'd be relieved.
Oh, Phoebe.
Just stop thinking.
It's not your strong suit.
Delia.
I'm going to go get something else to drink.
It's okay, Phoebe.
Oh, no, there's going be a significant amount of renegotiating.
You should see what Delia's clients use to bargain with.
And that's why I get everything in writing.
[both chuckle.]
Delia, could I steal you for a moment? Mom, we talked about this.
I know, dear, but it's just a little gift.
No, it's okay.
It's fine.
Oh my gosh, what is this? Oh, what did you do? - You shouldn't have.
- Oh, it's my pleasure.
I did a little research on the wedding customs in your country.
- Aw.
- Uh-huh.
Oh my gosh, it's a Yes, yes.
Well, you'll have to forgive my pronunciation.
It's a termeh.
It's part of the traditional Persian wedding spread, right? I know usually the mother of the bride gives it to her daughter, but I just wanted you to have something to remember the wedding by.
Um Would you excuse me for just a moment? Yes, I [sighs.]
Hey, you okay? That looked abrupt.
Yeah, well, that's just kind of my personal brand.
I'm really sorry that I was such a bitch to you earlier.
I'm just so on edge.
Hey, it's I know.
It's okay.
Thank you, though.
I mean, I did overstep my boundaries.
No, no.
Banais of Valencia are the least of my concerns.
It's just Gordon's mother.
It's like she thinks she's marrying off the prodigal son to the Princess Jasmine.
Okay, well, maybe she's coming on a little bit strong, but I think she means well.
And she doesn't even know me.
Gordon said she hated Courtney.
What do you want to bet it started out like this? All affection and "Let me be your mom," and oh, it's a setup.
Mmmmaybe, maybe not.
Look, Delia, our backgrounds are not that different.
Nobody told us that sometimes, people stay, and they do their best to love us.
And you were right about everything.
I am messed up about Marco, and I try to fix everybody else's stuff 'cause I don't have the first clue to fix my own, but look, I am so proud of you for making this huge open-hearted leap.
[exhales sharply.]
Get up.
God.
[giggles.]
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Where's Shrimp Boy? - Mmm.
Don't know, don't care.
[loud thud.]
Attention, party people! I just want to thank all you kick-ass people for kicking ass! Are you out of your mind? Especially you two, - the happy couple.
- Adam.
You guys are gonna be so happy.
Adam, what the hell are you doing? And you know what? [crowd screams, glass shatters.]
Right here.
Get down from here! What are you doing? Get down from there.
Get down from there now.
I'm ashamed you were ever inside of me.
- Get down.
- All right, mate.
I think it's time for you to say good night.
- Yo, easy, bro.
- As they say, it's not a real party until somebody's forcibly removed.
Ow.
I bruise easy, okay? Take it easy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm gonna go.
What the hell was that? Don't tell me I missed all the fun.
How about you? You okay? You seem a little dazed.
Yes.
Jake dropped a huge bomb on me yesterday.
- Was it a baby-shaped bomb? - Yeah.
Good, I'm glad he finally manned up and told you.
I mean, Max and I both told him to Well, how long have you known? Uh, not 100% sure How long have you known? Um, I'm gonna say a while.
Abby, wait.
For what it's worth, he was trying Abby Oh, shit.
[door slams.]
Oh gosh, I'm sorry, - I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
No.
He, like, ruined the party.
- Forget it.
- I'm so sorry.
No.
It's not like he melted the butter sculpture.
- You have a butter sculpture? - Jo.
- Oh.
- Look, the next time you decide to Tinder date, will you call me first? I could've told you that was gonna end in a disaster.
The guy's a classic number one.
Number one? What's a number one? - I've done my fair share of swiping.
- Okay.
You can pretty much break down the types of guys that date older or divorced women.
Oh.
- Number one.
- Do tell.
- Young guys.
- Okay.
Like, under 30 young.
They age up because they figure you're a sure thing.
You do not under any circumstance - bring them out in public.
- Go on.
- He's a toy.
- Okay.
- He's a boy.
That's it.
- That's fascinating.
Number two, the never-been-married guy.
Nine times out of ten, creepy like a serial killer.
- Pass.
- Okay.
Number three, newly divorced and looking to unearth his long-buried libido.
He's charming, but he's gonna stop messaging you as soon as he bags a 26-year-old.
- Oh, that freaking prick.
- Number four, just divorced.
Lonely and looking to reconstitute a family.
He will be your instant boyfriend, and then he will attach to you like a barnacle and suffocate you.
I'm just I'm so happy that we're having this conversation.
So from now on, I'm number one-ing in private.
Oh, no violence.
And you're right, because it's live.
So she's not gonna No, right.
Um, Carol, I'm sorry about I I really appreciate your gesture.
That was lovely.
I understand I overstepped.
The thing is that I just I barely remember my mom or Iran, but um, you made a wonderful man who I love, and we have that in common.
So let's just take it slow.
Okay.
Thank you.
Good.
Would you maybe help me with the seating arrangement for the reception? You know where the bodies are buried, right? Put mortal enemies together.
Oh, I'd love to.
- Yes? - Yes.
Okay, good.
That's good.
Good.
This is the part where you hug.
- He's such a control freak.
- So bossy.
[chuckling.]
[dog barks.]
Hey.
How dare you? How what? You let me sit there and commend you on your growth as a person? On how open and honest you were? How long have you known that Becca was pregnant? Shh, the kids are sleeping.
Calm down.
No, I how long have you known? Answer the damn question.
- Whoa.
About a month.
- Oh my God.
But she didn't know if she was going to keep it, and there was no reason to tell you.
So you then, like old times, decided that it was better for me not to know while we're talking about future? And radical honesty? You knew that you might be a father again.
You knew that our kids might have a half-sibling.
- It's unbelievable - Just Jesus Christ, okay? You know, it hasn't been exactly easy to share with you, Abby.
I've been very clear.
I am in.
I am all in, and you're the one with one foot out.
- What? - Just like old times.
I don't I'm trying to think.
I'm trying to think and just slow things down, and you as usual just want to dive in.
- Damn the consequences.
- No, you're not A baby.
- That is a huge omission.
- I know.
You didn't tell me about Will until you had some moral epiphany because I told you about Becca.
Will does not affect the rest of our lives.
Oh, no, Will affects my life, because here I am again wondering if I can trust you.
Again.
Well, then that just goes both ways, because I can't do this anymore, Jake.
I can't keep letting you "yes" me to death while you sidestep feelings.
- That's not what happened.
- That's what killed us.
Okay, fine.
It's my fault.
It's all my fault, Abby.
Yeah, you know what? It kind of is.
[scoffs.]
The orange was the size of a watermelon to me Well at least that is my memory Sunshine made my bare feet burn upon the road Far away we'd roam - Freeze! - Geez! [laughs.]
Boys would laugh and tease about my black feet They'd tell stories that would warm my soul Motorbikes and chrome - But Jimmy could not wait to get home - Homebird sing Fly me high on an angel's wing