Girls5eva (2021) s02e03 Episode Script
Who U Know
1
Hey, what's up, Instagram Live?
- ALL: Hi!
- [CHEERS.]
It's Girls5eva, and we're here with a surprise first look at us in the stude! Here's one we've been working on.
It's an ode to the largest city in America that doesn't have a hit song about it! We saw a hole in the marketplace.
East Exchange Avenue ♪ Steers in my rearview ♪ Gonna hit what "USA Today" calls ♪ "The second-best zoo" ♪ ALL: 'Cause Cowtown is a wow town ♪ With a walkable downtown ♪ It's time to tap into your Fort Worth ♪ The home of Hagman and Meister ♪ - Kapshaw and Sheiffer ♪ - Kapshaw and Sheiffer ♪ ALL: Tap into your Fort Worth ♪ - It's time ♪ - Wait, the eyeball icon thing - is saying zero.
- [VOCALIZING.]
It's just us in here! It's just us in here! Oh.
Cease and desist, bitches.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪ Girls5eva ♪ [TWINKLING NOTE.]
Hey, Maria, you gotta get the Sirius station off Raw Dog Comedy.
It's 10:00 a.
m.
Lisa Lampanelli is on a "vaginal ruin" run.
Caroline? Gloria! Look at you up on that leg.
I saw your post on Facebook.
Oh, yeah.
I'm feeling so good.
Feeling so strong.
So what are you doing here? Making an appointment.
- My cap's loose.
- Oh.
Did you know that some vegan cakes have pits? Say no more.
I got you, okay? You stay put.
See you in six months, Logan.
- You didn't do anything.
- Sure I did.
- Dad's waiting.
- Don't I get a toy? Here.
Why don't you use this as a jammit - for your Crocs? - A what? Just go.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
♪ Ms.
Diaz? The dentist will see you now.
♪ Yesterday's Live was pathetic.
Well, it was a surprise.
I mean, next time we send e-vites? To whom? I lost my followers when they banned bots.
Summer lost her Summer-and-Kev fans.
- I'm a villain now.
- That's why I got lowlights.
Gloria's social is just timestamps of a murder podcast with the caption, "Very telling.
" I'M CALLIN' IT: the mini mall murders is Ryan Murphy's next "Crime Story.
" Starring Sarah Paulson as "Dress Bucket Cashier.
" Our album drops in a month! We need to make noise now! But what are we supposed to do? Tate's ghosting us.
We don't have a publicist.
We need one of those Amandas who wears all black and always looks pissed standing behind Adele.
Ooh.
I guess I could be our Amanda.
I have seen all their moves.
- Oh, yeah.
- Let's see.
Right now, our best play is to cross-pollinate with people who already have a huge following.
- Yes.
- Who do we know? Is anyone not blocked by Carson Daly? - No.
- No.
Is anyone willing to unblock Fred Durst? - No! - Absolutely not.
Oh! Lil Stinker is shooting a music video.
We know him.
We do.
'Sup, Stink Bugs, I got so many stars stinkin' by.
People gonna think we raising money for a disease that has infiltrated my inner circle and lit a fire under me to find a cure.
Wrong! I'm just popular.
We need to get in that video! Stinker didn't even put us in the one where he sampled us.
Boy, they all talkin' 'bout Stink ♪ Yo - Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ Although, I do think he likes us.
Yeah, he was so cool when we stole his spot at Jingle Ball.
Yeah, that's true.
When we got bumped in 2001, I mailed Enrique Iglesias a ticking piggy bank.
- Jesus, Summer.
- What? Some mailman got blamed for it.
It was fine.
We should just show up if we could figure out where they're shooting.
There's a brick wall.
I know from Scott's favorite dinner party story that every brick has a unique stamp.
Well, that's a good lesbian fact.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Screengrab.
Enhance.
Match it to a brickyard.
Get the distro logs.
I commented that we would be in the area and he said, "Sure, come by.
" - [ALL GASP, CHEER.]
- That works too.
His publicist - Amanda.
- [LAUGHS.]
Will DM the deets for tomorrow.
- [SQUEALS.]
- Oh, my gosh! I can't miss the charity ride.
It's been in the Google Calendar for months.
I know, it's just that this video would be huge for the group.
But it's 9A to Nyack.
It's all part of Declan's boy-chelorette party.
His what? I don't know.
I'm just quoting him here.
Okay.
Um Don't worry about Max.
I'll figure it out.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
You gotta work this set today, you single bitch.
Last time I flirted, I became a Christian Internet harlot.
I am just focusing on work today.
How open should my mouth be in the shot? Like Or Two.
- Ew, we were bringing kids? - Scott had a thing, and my sitter sold a pilot, and my brother's on a casino bus.
But it'll be okay.
I loaded my phone with shows.
- Girls5eva! - Oh! - That's us.
- Hi.
I'm Stinker's Amanda.
Well, then kill it.
- Call sheets.
Call sheets.
- Thank you.
You guys look amazing.
Don't send a fucking orchid! Just check in with security.
A PA will get you to set, okay? - Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
- Issa Rae as "Hot Welder.
" - [GASPS.]
Olivia Wilde as "Opulent Dining Room Wife.
" Keanu Reeves as "Motorcycle Best Friend.
" Where are we? Where are we? Girls5eva, Girls5eva [GASPS.]
Number 81.
Right under "Acrobat Waiter.
" We are "VIP Party Guests.
" [ALL GASPS.]
VIP.
We are finally getting what we are owed.
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES.]
Oh, my God, Caroline just texted.
First she came in, now she's texting? "Should I take Advil or Tylenol?" Oh, God.
What do I say? Has to be perfect.
What's the sexiest pain reliever? Bayer, right? No devices on set.
No I didn't get a chance to press send.
"Chef's Table" wasn't over.
No, no, no.
I need that for my kid.
Standard procedure.
No spoilers.
The window's closing on Caroline here.
Sir, uh, this is a "Sliding Doors" moment.
Oh, good, so it'll work out either way.
- Come on.
- [GROWLS.]
Next.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
It's like she's gonna see three dots and then nothing.
Just relax.
That always calms me down when men say that.
Maybe, uh, you can draw while mommy's working.
♪ Go nuts.
Okay.
I mean, that text could've been the start of us getting back together.
Okay, ladies.
Frowns upside down, but then slightly down because we are not goons.
We are VIPS in a Stinker video.
Okay, VIPs, cheers your drinks as the camera dollies by! Playback.
Action on rehearsal.
[LIL STINKER'S "WHO U KNOW".]
Tell me who you know ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ ♪ Cut! That's the shot.
Let's squirt it! [BELL RINGS.]
No, no, no, no, no, that was too fast! I didn't even get to cheers.
I only got my mouth open this wide.
We'll look like extras and not featured talent.
All right, I'm gonna take a leap here and the Amanda side of me will clean it up later.
- Playback! - Follow me.
- Action! - [MUSIC PLAYS.]
Tell me who you know - I'm coming! ♪ Tell me who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ They pull up anywhere, it's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yeah, yeah, let's go ♪ Tell me who you know ♪ - Cut! - [BELL RINGS.]
VIP guests should stay seated.
Let's go again.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Jingle Ball 2.
0.
Girls5eva, these ladies hate rules like me.
We are habitual line-steppers.
Straight renegades.
Put it on the TV.
You're gonna use it? Amazing.
Summer, you're gooning like you won a corn contest.
We need to play this right.
Stinker! Girls5eva had so much fun, but we have a day.
We're featured artists in Drake's visual cologne story.
- You understand.
- Cool.
Olivia Wilde's still in traffic, so I think I could put y'all in another setup.
What's your stance on fancy dresses and general abundance? Let me see if I can move a few things.
Oh, Girls5eva can make it work.
Let's squirt it! [SQUEALING QUIETLY.]
Did you just get us Olivia Wilde's part? It's official.
I'm hired as Girls5eva's publicist.
I'll hip-pocket us until the album drops, then I start taking 20.
I'll drop it down to ten when I also become our lawyer.
Mommy! Let's get you all over to hair and makeup.
I want space buns, okay? Hey, will you watch Max for a minute? I'm just gonna go get him some food.
Okay.
Okay, sir, come.
I want pizza! I want pizza! I want pizza too.
This dude looks like a little lil me.
He's tech-avail New York, but I know the mom.
[SNAPS.]
Hired.
Stylish people with needles, make this dude a tiny suit.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I know, this is great, but I'ma need something else.
There is no kid food here.
It's all tartare and Roger Federer's frosé.
But where's Max? Is he with Gloria? Where's Gloria? - Max is in Wardrobe.
- I Amanda-ed him into the video.
You're welcome.
He's gonna be "Little Lil Stinker.
" What? He's four! But he plays three to a small seven.
I solved your problem, Dawn.
Set is the perfect babysitter.
You're fired.
Only he can do that! - I understand.
- You're very good at your job.
But I need my phone because I'm on call - for my practice.
- Ma'am, I can't help you.
I'm a dentist, and I will fix your snaggle.
What if I witnessed a crime? You know, phones are police now.
What was that? - Hey, what are you doing? - I need my cell phone! - I can't, all right? - Gloria! Gloria.
Hi, sorry, sir.
Gloria, come here.
You think you're King Turd of Phone Mountain? Hey! What is wrong with you? I need to reply to Caroline.
Oh, my God, you are such a hypocrite.
Huh? You are always pushing me to move on from Kev.
And you are still obsessed with your ex from, like, ten years ago.
Apples and oranges.
That means nothing.
They're both fruits.
They sit next to each other at the grocery store.
There is a big difference because Caroline is the one.
- Is she? - Mm-hmm.
Come on, you look really hot today.
You need to get out there and flirt.
I don't feel like it.
I'm bad at it, okay? - I have no game.
- What? I have seen you flirt a zillion times.
You J-O'ed all of O-Town.
You blowfished Hootie.
You ran the table on the cast of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" I know, but those were guys.
I had zero investment.
Barely any of those experiences even implanted because they weren't significant to me! Gloria? Eddie.
[CHUCKLES.]
Picture more hair.
I filmed that caffeinated-tampons commercial.
[TOGETHER.]
Tamperx? Did we sploink, Ed? I still think about you.
Sorry, bud.
I don't recall.
Sure you were a gentleman.
See? It's just not up there.
But with women, oh, I care.
And then I get weird, and I talk a lot, and then I shank it.
Okay, well, how'd you get Caroline? She came on to me.
I have never once successfully picked up a woman.
Ah.
Gloria, we are not leaving here today unless you have a phone number.
- Please don't make me do that.
- Come on.
Think of the words of Tamperx.
[PUNCHY MUSIC.]
Perk Your Snerk with Tamperx! ♪ [SIGHS.]
I'll try it.
[SQUEALS.]
Okay, how long are your arms? Let's see.
Hey, there you are, buddy! Hi, you okay? They're making me a tiny suit.
- Oh.
- He is a love.
- Abigail, PA.
- I hope I didn't step a line, but he seemed hungry, so I gave him biscuits and a plicky egg.
Oh, so you got some food? Who wants to learn some moves, little man? It's your boy J.
Swerve.
Boom.
Hey, Mr.
Swerve.
I'm Dawn, the mother.
Oh, killa.
What's up? Ms.
Solano, we should get you to hair and makeup.
Ma'am, we have got him all sorted.
Bye, Mommy.
[MURMURS.]
Bye, mommy.
Bye.
Okay, little man, are you a kinesthetic learner or a social-interpersonal? Okay, is an indoor backpack a sign that you might be She's cute.
I like her.
My ticker's going, and my knees are weak, and I wanna buy her a horse.
Okay, well, go.
Go, don't even think about it.
Just go! Do it! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What do you need? Are you looking for snacks or diarrhea stuff? - Neither.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm Gloria.
Girls5eva.
81st on the call sheet.
Funny they call it the "call sheet.
" We can't make calls in here.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Interesting story.
The only feature I don't use on my phone is the phone.
'Cause I like podcasts.
Do you like podcasts? Who do you think did the mini mall murders? The what? The unsolved Kenosha mini mall murders of 1971.
The slayings! But what do you do when you find one body with eight severed pinkies? Nothing for months if you're the North Kenosha PD.
- Can you get me out of here? - Let's go.
Next door at Dress Bucket, it was worse.
They couldn't even test for DNA because the officer had vomited all over the scene.
Detective Rollins found dead in his own car, by his own hand! [DRILL WHIRRING.]
Bladder analysis [DRILL WHIRRING CONTINUES.]
Not as the Foot Locker ref Brains on the highway.
[DRILL WHIRRING.]
Semen was a match.
Which brings us back to Clancy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm working.
Yep.
Shit.
[LOUNGE MUSIC.]
Amanda! - [LAUGHS.]
- Is this ours? Well, there's bourbon.
I explained to production that if we had Olivia's part, we should have her dressing room.
This set is putty in my hand.
Oh, there you guys are.
Wow, God, I guess I don't need to change under my triple-XL Giants jersey.
Is Max learning the dance? [SIGHS.]
He's with J.
Swerve.
Guys, do I really just let him be in this video? Oh, my God, yes! Dawn, I loved sets as a kid.
Right, you did that off-brand "Mickey Mouse Club.
" [CHEESY, PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
- [TOGETHER.]
- The Ricky Rats! Ricky is a uniquely-designed rodent.
If you look closely, his ears are different.
- He only wears one glove, and - They're here.
Turn it off! I warned you it was too close.
Turn it off.
[TAPE BUZZES.]
Dawn, it was so much fun.
And yeah, I missed some school, but if I need to know how to make a big W, I just look it up.
What if Max is amazing and he wants to do this his whole life? This business can be a shit show.
Is he gonna have to put sunscreen on a producer's back during an indoor meeting? I mean, is he gonna see a deepfake of himself hooking up with Gargamel? I mean, that stuff sticks with you.
Oh, those are mainly the gifts of the female experience.
Then there's the uncertainty.
One minute, your cassingle comes preloaded into every Subaru Impreza.
The next, Don Imus is calling you "the poor man's Fergie.
" God, I remember that.
You end up working for your brother because you spent what should've been your college years guest hosting "BattleBots" and touring the greatest parts of the former Soviet Union.
Wait, do you not like what we do? No, no.
I love it.
I just thought for my son.
I want Max to be - Boring? - Yeah.
Just, like, nice and uncomplicated.
- Mm.
- Like Scott.
[SIGHS.]
Scott falls asleep in three minutes.
He knows his days off years in advance.
He's reading a book about the history of Chicago.
Ugh.
- I want that for Max.
- Girls5eva, Issa Rae canceled so we'll have to shuffle things around.
The dining room scene is next.
Then we'll move on to Little Lil Stinker.
No! Um Uh, Max is out.
I'm not having him become someone who ever has to set the record straight in a memoir.
- [SHEEPISH LAUGH.]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You should talk to the one in the vest again.
Forget murder [GASPS.]
Talk about jeans.
Everybody's got an opinion.
- Go, go, go, go! - No! Enough! I am done! So, uh you get to force me to grow and change and it's really hard and I hate it and I don't get backsies? I think I know what I need for myself, okay? Oh, yeah, you think you're so smart just because you're a doctor and I left school when we were doing maps.
But you're the baby here.
I am post-op, but I will punch you! Try me, because I will punch you so hard, they're gonna think that you're the 16th victim of the mini mall murders.
There were 16 victims! The Clancy cousin in Sacramento! You shit-bird! Now you four don't need to do exactly what Olivia Wilde woulda done.
Make it your own.
- You look amazing.
- I do look amazing.
Hey, Wickie, when we get rolling, would you tell Summer to pass me the watches? - Thanks.
- That's so weird, Gloria telling someone else what to do.
Oh, wait.
[BELL RINGS.]
That's not weird.
Ladies, I only take on clients that leave their nonsense at the door.
- Playback! - Hey.
Focus up.
Let's go.
Action! All of the homies have jets ♪ I fly, but my charter's a flex ♪ And I know the pilot, it's Brett ♪ And he left my chain in Tibet, bye-bye ♪ Everywhere an exit row ♪ Got "Soul Plane" stripper poles ♪ Dad like, "Who your contacts, boy?" ♪ I shake hands with so and so, make bands ♪ Yeah, let's talk about who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ Yeah, they pull up anywhere ♪ It's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yo, I get Wilde with Olivia ♪ You heard what I said? ♪ I'm Reeving Harleys with Keanu, yeah ♪ We was in "Bill & Ted" ♪ You can catch me outside ♪ In the trenches, denches ♪ From Zendaya to Zen-nighta ♪ Forgot to mention ♪ And cut.
- That's the sauce.
- [CHEERING.]
- [BELL RINGS.]
- That was dope.
- [SQUEALING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Good think you protected Max from all this joy.
Get the tiny suit! - Yes! - [LAUGHS.]
He's gonna have so much fun! Okay, bud.
Just look right at this camera and do the move that J.
Swerve taught you.
- [MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Let's go.
Shuffle, shuffle.
Drop the mic.
- Shuffle, shuffle.
- Go ahead, bud.
Look right into the camera.
Shuffle, shuffle.
Drop the mic.
Shuffle, shuffle.
No, not at me.
Over here.
In the camera.
Shuffle, shuffle.
Drop the mic.
- Wrong camera, buddy.
- Shuffle, shuffle - J.
Swerve, J.
Swerve! - I need you to cool it, man.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
I can't work with this kid.
I'm sorry, what did you say? This isn't gonna work.
Sorry.
Really? [LIGHT MUSIC.]
He's boring, just like his father.
Hi.
Can I play with another receipt? Yes, honey! Oh, yes.
♪ Keanu Reeves has a family emergency.
Pfft, publicist-speak for "Botox settled weird.
" Wait, what's Botox? He's supposed to play "Motorcycle Best Friend.
" So I go to Stinker, "You're only gonna have two motorcycles in your whole video?" Cut to they're bringing in more motorcycles for us.
Cross-pollination achieved.
I have reached peak Amanda.
We're all over this video! Hey, ladies, I just wanna say, no cap, thank you for being here for me today.
- Oh.
- Y'all are awesome.
Everybody else is cowards.
- Cowards? - Yeah, well, uh, I don't know how big a thing it's gonna end up being.
How big what a thing? Well, you know, it could be a yittle-blip, like Camila Cabello's blog, or it could take me down.
It's in Twitter's hands now.
At least you and Matt Damon are still here.
[CRIES OUT.]
What did you do, Little Stinker? Y'all don't know? What, y'all don't have a publicist? Well, uh, see, a couple nights back, I was passed out in the backseat of my Tesla in self-driving mode, and well, I guess I plowed through some graves at Arlington Cemetery.
Doesn't help that the dashcam footage leaked yesterday and my penis was a little bit out.
But the coke was making me hot.
Good gravy, Stinker.
[SIGHS.]
Well, that's why everyone kept dropping out today.
That's why that Harlem Globetrotter ran away from me.
50/50 on that one, babe.
I think being a publicist is mostly about having a phone.
Oh, J.
K.
Rowling just tweeted in support of you, Stinker.
[GASPS.]
Shut it all down.
I'm going to France.
- That's a wrap! - [BELL RINGS.]
Today was for nothing.
This is so unfair.
We will never get this level of hair and makeup again.
No, no.
I refuse to let this day be for nothing.
We are shooting a year's worth of social media posts while we look like this! Dawn, get over here! I'm going to get my phone.
- Guard the rack! - Yes! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
ALL: It's album-drop day! [CHEERING.]
We got the shot.
Let's move it.
Come on.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS.]
Congratulations to the Dodgers on their World Series victory! Congratulations to the Astros on their World Series victory! Congratulations to the Mets Hey, don't waste time on the Mets! Our hearts go out to the families and animals - in the disaster zone.
- Okay, we're out.
We're clear, we're clear, we're clear.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
Get the hat.
Guys, I know I'm late to the party, but I finally watched "Mr.
Robot.
" America can finally sleep, for tonight, through citizen journalism, I have solved the mini mall murders.
I got this.
I got this.
Turn it turn it around.
- Go, go! Get it, get it! - On this National Siblings Day, I'd like to formally announce severing ties with my brother, Richard McManus.
Big news.
I'm in love! Big news.
We're moving in together! ♪ Big news.
Me and name-added-in-post are engaged! ALL: Craft breweries causing a major rebirth ♪ Tap into your Fort Worth ♪ [SQUEALING, CHEERING.]
We did it! Gloria, I, uh I took the liberty of putting my number in your phone.
Well, I don't know your passcode, so I put it on your phone on a Post-it.
- You gave me nothing earlier.
- Well, I'm a professional.
I was at work, but we're wrapped, so So wait.
- I'm not bad at this? - No, you are.
It's just cute.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[SQUEALING.]
Thank you, Summer.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I just needed a push to move on.
Oh.
Don't make me cry.
I want these lashes to last three days.
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES.]
Chips and dip, Caroline texted! - Ugh.
- A lot.
I didn't write her back, so she spiraled.
Wait, which Muppet is that? I don't know.
That's her snerk! - Oh.
- I'm back in! Oh, Gloria.
Nope, don't you say a word.
I've been waiting so long for this.
Then you are not allowed to say one word the next time you think baby Summer needs to grow.
- Deal.
- Okay.
- Deal.
Love you.
- I love you.
Hey, guy dressed entirely in swag from canceled shows, get off your ass and take me to my ex-wife's.
♪ Aw, go perk your snerk, baby girl.
Yeah, let's talk about who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ Yeah, they pull up anywhere ♪ It's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yo, yeah, yeah, let's go ♪ Tell me who you know, with me, you drink for free ♪ Tell me who you know, we got our own tequila ♪ Drink up ♪ We will shake hands, small talk, make plans ♪ ♪ Yo, Flat Stanley knows me ♪ Yo, sour candy knows me ♪ Yo, creepy hand from The Addams Family knows me ♪ Yo, the king of prom knows me, huh ♪ Spider-Man Tom knows Stank, what ♪ Your mom - Mommy ♪ But also my mom knows me, shucks ♪ All of the homies have jets ♪ I fly, but my charter's a flex ♪ And I know the pilot, it's Brett ♪ And he left my chain in Tibet, bye-bye ♪ Everywhere an exit row ♪ Got "Soul Plane" stripper poles ♪ Dad like, "Who your contacts, boy?" ♪ I shake hands with so and so, make bands ♪ Yeah, let's talk about who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ Yeah, they pull up anywhere ♪ It's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yeah, yeah, let's go ♪ Tell me who you know, with me you drink for free ♪ Tell me who you know, we got our own tequilas ♪ We will shake hands, small talk, make plans ♪ ♪ Shoot, Luke Cage knows me ♪ Auntie, Robert Roberts knows me ♪ Maile, Naruto knows me ♪ Bro, the Wyld Stallyns know me ♪ Whoa ♪ - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
[BISCUIT CRUNCHING.]
It's Girls5eva, and we're here with a surprise first look at us in the stude! Here's one we've been working on.
It's an ode to the largest city in America that doesn't have a hit song about it! We saw a hole in the marketplace.
East Exchange Avenue ♪ Steers in my rearview ♪ Gonna hit what "USA Today" calls ♪ "The second-best zoo" ♪ ALL: 'Cause Cowtown is a wow town ♪ With a walkable downtown ♪ It's time to tap into your Fort Worth ♪ The home of Hagman and Meister ♪ - Kapshaw and Sheiffer ♪ - Kapshaw and Sheiffer ♪ ALL: Tap into your Fort Worth ♪ - It's time ♪ - Wait, the eyeball icon thing - is saying zero.
- [VOCALIZING.]
It's just us in here! It's just us in here! Oh.
Cease and desist, bitches.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪ Girls5eva ♪ [TWINKLING NOTE.]
Hey, Maria, you gotta get the Sirius station off Raw Dog Comedy.
It's 10:00 a.
m.
Lisa Lampanelli is on a "vaginal ruin" run.
Caroline? Gloria! Look at you up on that leg.
I saw your post on Facebook.
Oh, yeah.
I'm feeling so good.
Feeling so strong.
So what are you doing here? Making an appointment.
- My cap's loose.
- Oh.
Did you know that some vegan cakes have pits? Say no more.
I got you, okay? You stay put.
See you in six months, Logan.
- You didn't do anything.
- Sure I did.
- Dad's waiting.
- Don't I get a toy? Here.
Why don't you use this as a jammit - for your Crocs? - A what? Just go.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
♪ Ms.
Diaz? The dentist will see you now.
♪ Yesterday's Live was pathetic.
Well, it was a surprise.
I mean, next time we send e-vites? To whom? I lost my followers when they banned bots.
Summer lost her Summer-and-Kev fans.
- I'm a villain now.
- That's why I got lowlights.
Gloria's social is just timestamps of a murder podcast with the caption, "Very telling.
" I'M CALLIN' IT: the mini mall murders is Ryan Murphy's next "Crime Story.
" Starring Sarah Paulson as "Dress Bucket Cashier.
" Our album drops in a month! We need to make noise now! But what are we supposed to do? Tate's ghosting us.
We don't have a publicist.
We need one of those Amandas who wears all black and always looks pissed standing behind Adele.
Ooh.
I guess I could be our Amanda.
I have seen all their moves.
- Oh, yeah.
- Let's see.
Right now, our best play is to cross-pollinate with people who already have a huge following.
- Yes.
- Who do we know? Is anyone not blocked by Carson Daly? - No.
- No.
Is anyone willing to unblock Fred Durst? - No! - Absolutely not.
Oh! Lil Stinker is shooting a music video.
We know him.
We do.
'Sup, Stink Bugs, I got so many stars stinkin' by.
People gonna think we raising money for a disease that has infiltrated my inner circle and lit a fire under me to find a cure.
Wrong! I'm just popular.
We need to get in that video! Stinker didn't even put us in the one where he sampled us.
Boy, they all talkin' 'bout Stink ♪ Yo - Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ Although, I do think he likes us.
Yeah, he was so cool when we stole his spot at Jingle Ball.
Yeah, that's true.
When we got bumped in 2001, I mailed Enrique Iglesias a ticking piggy bank.
- Jesus, Summer.
- What? Some mailman got blamed for it.
It was fine.
We should just show up if we could figure out where they're shooting.
There's a brick wall.
I know from Scott's favorite dinner party story that every brick has a unique stamp.
Well, that's a good lesbian fact.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Screengrab.
Enhance.
Match it to a brickyard.
Get the distro logs.
I commented that we would be in the area and he said, "Sure, come by.
" - [ALL GASP, CHEER.]
- That works too.
His publicist - Amanda.
- [LAUGHS.]
Will DM the deets for tomorrow.
- [SQUEALS.]
- Oh, my gosh! I can't miss the charity ride.
It's been in the Google Calendar for months.
I know, it's just that this video would be huge for the group.
But it's 9A to Nyack.
It's all part of Declan's boy-chelorette party.
His what? I don't know.
I'm just quoting him here.
Okay.
Um Don't worry about Max.
I'll figure it out.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
You gotta work this set today, you single bitch.
Last time I flirted, I became a Christian Internet harlot.
I am just focusing on work today.
How open should my mouth be in the shot? Like Or Two.
- Ew, we were bringing kids? - Scott had a thing, and my sitter sold a pilot, and my brother's on a casino bus.
But it'll be okay.
I loaded my phone with shows.
- Girls5eva! - Oh! - That's us.
- Hi.
I'm Stinker's Amanda.
Well, then kill it.
- Call sheets.
Call sheets.
- Thank you.
You guys look amazing.
Don't send a fucking orchid! Just check in with security.
A PA will get you to set, okay? - Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
- Issa Rae as "Hot Welder.
" - [GASPS.]
Olivia Wilde as "Opulent Dining Room Wife.
" Keanu Reeves as "Motorcycle Best Friend.
" Where are we? Where are we? Girls5eva, Girls5eva [GASPS.]
Number 81.
Right under "Acrobat Waiter.
" We are "VIP Party Guests.
" [ALL GASPS.]
VIP.
We are finally getting what we are owed.
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES.]
Oh, my God, Caroline just texted.
First she came in, now she's texting? "Should I take Advil or Tylenol?" Oh, God.
What do I say? Has to be perfect.
What's the sexiest pain reliever? Bayer, right? No devices on set.
No I didn't get a chance to press send.
"Chef's Table" wasn't over.
No, no, no.
I need that for my kid.
Standard procedure.
No spoilers.
The window's closing on Caroline here.
Sir, uh, this is a "Sliding Doors" moment.
Oh, good, so it'll work out either way.
- Come on.
- [GROWLS.]
Next.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
It's like she's gonna see three dots and then nothing.
Just relax.
That always calms me down when men say that.
Maybe, uh, you can draw while mommy's working.
♪ Go nuts.
Okay.
I mean, that text could've been the start of us getting back together.
Okay, ladies.
Frowns upside down, but then slightly down because we are not goons.
We are VIPS in a Stinker video.
Okay, VIPs, cheers your drinks as the camera dollies by! Playback.
Action on rehearsal.
[LIL STINKER'S "WHO U KNOW".]
Tell me who you know ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ ♪ Cut! That's the shot.
Let's squirt it! [BELL RINGS.]
No, no, no, no, no, that was too fast! I didn't even get to cheers.
I only got my mouth open this wide.
We'll look like extras and not featured talent.
All right, I'm gonna take a leap here and the Amanda side of me will clean it up later.
- Playback! - Follow me.
- Action! - [MUSIC PLAYS.]
Tell me who you know - I'm coming! ♪ Tell me who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ They pull up anywhere, it's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yeah, yeah, let's go ♪ Tell me who you know ♪ - Cut! - [BELL RINGS.]
VIP guests should stay seated.
Let's go again.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Jingle Ball 2.
0.
Girls5eva, these ladies hate rules like me.
We are habitual line-steppers.
Straight renegades.
Put it on the TV.
You're gonna use it? Amazing.
Summer, you're gooning like you won a corn contest.
We need to play this right.
Stinker! Girls5eva had so much fun, but we have a day.
We're featured artists in Drake's visual cologne story.
- You understand.
- Cool.
Olivia Wilde's still in traffic, so I think I could put y'all in another setup.
What's your stance on fancy dresses and general abundance? Let me see if I can move a few things.
Oh, Girls5eva can make it work.
Let's squirt it! [SQUEALING QUIETLY.]
Did you just get us Olivia Wilde's part? It's official.
I'm hired as Girls5eva's publicist.
I'll hip-pocket us until the album drops, then I start taking 20.
I'll drop it down to ten when I also become our lawyer.
Mommy! Let's get you all over to hair and makeup.
I want space buns, okay? Hey, will you watch Max for a minute? I'm just gonna go get him some food.
Okay.
Okay, sir, come.
I want pizza! I want pizza! I want pizza too.
This dude looks like a little lil me.
He's tech-avail New York, but I know the mom.
[SNAPS.]
Hired.
Stylish people with needles, make this dude a tiny suit.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I know, this is great, but I'ma need something else.
There is no kid food here.
It's all tartare and Roger Federer's frosé.
But where's Max? Is he with Gloria? Where's Gloria? - Max is in Wardrobe.
- I Amanda-ed him into the video.
You're welcome.
He's gonna be "Little Lil Stinker.
" What? He's four! But he plays three to a small seven.
I solved your problem, Dawn.
Set is the perfect babysitter.
You're fired.
Only he can do that! - I understand.
- You're very good at your job.
But I need my phone because I'm on call - for my practice.
- Ma'am, I can't help you.
I'm a dentist, and I will fix your snaggle.
What if I witnessed a crime? You know, phones are police now.
What was that? - Hey, what are you doing? - I need my cell phone! - I can't, all right? - Gloria! Gloria.
Hi, sorry, sir.
Gloria, come here.
You think you're King Turd of Phone Mountain? Hey! What is wrong with you? I need to reply to Caroline.
Oh, my God, you are such a hypocrite.
Huh? You are always pushing me to move on from Kev.
And you are still obsessed with your ex from, like, ten years ago.
Apples and oranges.
That means nothing.
They're both fruits.
They sit next to each other at the grocery store.
There is a big difference because Caroline is the one.
- Is she? - Mm-hmm.
Come on, you look really hot today.
You need to get out there and flirt.
I don't feel like it.
I'm bad at it, okay? - I have no game.
- What? I have seen you flirt a zillion times.
You J-O'ed all of O-Town.
You blowfished Hootie.
You ran the table on the cast of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" I know, but those were guys.
I had zero investment.
Barely any of those experiences even implanted because they weren't significant to me! Gloria? Eddie.
[CHUCKLES.]
Picture more hair.
I filmed that caffeinated-tampons commercial.
[TOGETHER.]
Tamperx? Did we sploink, Ed? I still think about you.
Sorry, bud.
I don't recall.
Sure you were a gentleman.
See? It's just not up there.
But with women, oh, I care.
And then I get weird, and I talk a lot, and then I shank it.
Okay, well, how'd you get Caroline? She came on to me.
I have never once successfully picked up a woman.
Ah.
Gloria, we are not leaving here today unless you have a phone number.
- Please don't make me do that.
- Come on.
Think of the words of Tamperx.
[PUNCHY MUSIC.]
Perk Your Snerk with Tamperx! ♪ [SIGHS.]
I'll try it.
[SQUEALS.]
Okay, how long are your arms? Let's see.
Hey, there you are, buddy! Hi, you okay? They're making me a tiny suit.
- Oh.
- He is a love.
- Abigail, PA.
- I hope I didn't step a line, but he seemed hungry, so I gave him biscuits and a plicky egg.
Oh, so you got some food? Who wants to learn some moves, little man? It's your boy J.
Swerve.
Boom.
Hey, Mr.
Swerve.
I'm Dawn, the mother.
Oh, killa.
What's up? Ms.
Solano, we should get you to hair and makeup.
Ma'am, we have got him all sorted.
Bye, Mommy.
[MURMURS.]
Bye, mommy.
Bye.
Okay, little man, are you a kinesthetic learner or a social-interpersonal? Okay, is an indoor backpack a sign that you might be She's cute.
I like her.
My ticker's going, and my knees are weak, and I wanna buy her a horse.
Okay, well, go.
Go, don't even think about it.
Just go! Do it! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What do you need? Are you looking for snacks or diarrhea stuff? - Neither.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm Gloria.
Girls5eva.
81st on the call sheet.
Funny they call it the "call sheet.
" We can't make calls in here.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Interesting story.
The only feature I don't use on my phone is the phone.
'Cause I like podcasts.
Do you like podcasts? Who do you think did the mini mall murders? The what? The unsolved Kenosha mini mall murders of 1971.
The slayings! But what do you do when you find one body with eight severed pinkies? Nothing for months if you're the North Kenosha PD.
- Can you get me out of here? - Let's go.
Next door at Dress Bucket, it was worse.
They couldn't even test for DNA because the officer had vomited all over the scene.
Detective Rollins found dead in his own car, by his own hand! [DRILL WHIRRING.]
Bladder analysis [DRILL WHIRRING CONTINUES.]
Not as the Foot Locker ref Brains on the highway.
[DRILL WHIRRING.]
Semen was a match.
Which brings us back to Clancy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm working.
Yep.
Shit.
[LOUNGE MUSIC.]
Amanda! - [LAUGHS.]
- Is this ours? Well, there's bourbon.
I explained to production that if we had Olivia's part, we should have her dressing room.
This set is putty in my hand.
Oh, there you guys are.
Wow, God, I guess I don't need to change under my triple-XL Giants jersey.
Is Max learning the dance? [SIGHS.]
He's with J.
Swerve.
Guys, do I really just let him be in this video? Oh, my God, yes! Dawn, I loved sets as a kid.
Right, you did that off-brand "Mickey Mouse Club.
" [CHEESY, PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
- [TOGETHER.]
- The Ricky Rats! Ricky is a uniquely-designed rodent.
If you look closely, his ears are different.
- He only wears one glove, and - They're here.
Turn it off! I warned you it was too close.
Turn it off.
[TAPE BUZZES.]
Dawn, it was so much fun.
And yeah, I missed some school, but if I need to know how to make a big W, I just look it up.
What if Max is amazing and he wants to do this his whole life? This business can be a shit show.
Is he gonna have to put sunscreen on a producer's back during an indoor meeting? I mean, is he gonna see a deepfake of himself hooking up with Gargamel? I mean, that stuff sticks with you.
Oh, those are mainly the gifts of the female experience.
Then there's the uncertainty.
One minute, your cassingle comes preloaded into every Subaru Impreza.
The next, Don Imus is calling you "the poor man's Fergie.
" God, I remember that.
You end up working for your brother because you spent what should've been your college years guest hosting "BattleBots" and touring the greatest parts of the former Soviet Union.
Wait, do you not like what we do? No, no.
I love it.
I just thought for my son.
I want Max to be - Boring? - Yeah.
Just, like, nice and uncomplicated.
- Mm.
- Like Scott.
[SIGHS.]
Scott falls asleep in three minutes.
He knows his days off years in advance.
He's reading a book about the history of Chicago.
Ugh.
- I want that for Max.
- Girls5eva, Issa Rae canceled so we'll have to shuffle things around.
The dining room scene is next.
Then we'll move on to Little Lil Stinker.
No! Um Uh, Max is out.
I'm not having him become someone who ever has to set the record straight in a memoir.
- [SHEEPISH LAUGH.]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You should talk to the one in the vest again.
Forget murder [GASPS.]
Talk about jeans.
Everybody's got an opinion.
- Go, go, go, go! - No! Enough! I am done! So, uh you get to force me to grow and change and it's really hard and I hate it and I don't get backsies? I think I know what I need for myself, okay? Oh, yeah, you think you're so smart just because you're a doctor and I left school when we were doing maps.
But you're the baby here.
I am post-op, but I will punch you! Try me, because I will punch you so hard, they're gonna think that you're the 16th victim of the mini mall murders.
There were 16 victims! The Clancy cousin in Sacramento! You shit-bird! Now you four don't need to do exactly what Olivia Wilde woulda done.
Make it your own.
- You look amazing.
- I do look amazing.
Hey, Wickie, when we get rolling, would you tell Summer to pass me the watches? - Thanks.
- That's so weird, Gloria telling someone else what to do.
Oh, wait.
[BELL RINGS.]
That's not weird.
Ladies, I only take on clients that leave their nonsense at the door.
- Playback! - Hey.
Focus up.
Let's go.
Action! All of the homies have jets ♪ I fly, but my charter's a flex ♪ And I know the pilot, it's Brett ♪ And he left my chain in Tibet, bye-bye ♪ Everywhere an exit row ♪ Got "Soul Plane" stripper poles ♪ Dad like, "Who your contacts, boy?" ♪ I shake hands with so and so, make bands ♪ Yeah, let's talk about who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ Yeah, they pull up anywhere ♪ It's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yo, I get Wilde with Olivia ♪ You heard what I said? ♪ I'm Reeving Harleys with Keanu, yeah ♪ We was in "Bill & Ted" ♪ You can catch me outside ♪ In the trenches, denches ♪ From Zendaya to Zen-nighta ♪ Forgot to mention ♪ And cut.
- That's the sauce.
- [CHEERING.]
- [BELL RINGS.]
- That was dope.
- [SQUEALING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Good think you protected Max from all this joy.
Get the tiny suit! - Yes! - [LAUGHS.]
He's gonna have so much fun! Okay, bud.
Just look right at this camera and do the move that J.
Swerve taught you.
- [MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Let's go.
Shuffle, shuffle.
Drop the mic.
- Shuffle, shuffle.
- Go ahead, bud.
Look right into the camera.
Shuffle, shuffle.
Drop the mic.
Shuffle, shuffle.
No, not at me.
Over here.
In the camera.
Shuffle, shuffle.
Drop the mic.
- Wrong camera, buddy.
- Shuffle, shuffle - J.
Swerve, J.
Swerve! - I need you to cool it, man.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
I can't work with this kid.
I'm sorry, what did you say? This isn't gonna work.
Sorry.
Really? [LIGHT MUSIC.]
He's boring, just like his father.
Hi.
Can I play with another receipt? Yes, honey! Oh, yes.
♪ Keanu Reeves has a family emergency.
Pfft, publicist-speak for "Botox settled weird.
" Wait, what's Botox? He's supposed to play "Motorcycle Best Friend.
" So I go to Stinker, "You're only gonna have two motorcycles in your whole video?" Cut to they're bringing in more motorcycles for us.
Cross-pollination achieved.
I have reached peak Amanda.
We're all over this video! Hey, ladies, I just wanna say, no cap, thank you for being here for me today.
- Oh.
- Y'all are awesome.
Everybody else is cowards.
- Cowards? - Yeah, well, uh, I don't know how big a thing it's gonna end up being.
How big what a thing? Well, you know, it could be a yittle-blip, like Camila Cabello's blog, or it could take me down.
It's in Twitter's hands now.
At least you and Matt Damon are still here.
[CRIES OUT.]
What did you do, Little Stinker? Y'all don't know? What, y'all don't have a publicist? Well, uh, see, a couple nights back, I was passed out in the backseat of my Tesla in self-driving mode, and well, I guess I plowed through some graves at Arlington Cemetery.
Doesn't help that the dashcam footage leaked yesterday and my penis was a little bit out.
But the coke was making me hot.
Good gravy, Stinker.
[SIGHS.]
Well, that's why everyone kept dropping out today.
That's why that Harlem Globetrotter ran away from me.
50/50 on that one, babe.
I think being a publicist is mostly about having a phone.
Oh, J.
K.
Rowling just tweeted in support of you, Stinker.
[GASPS.]
Shut it all down.
I'm going to France.
- That's a wrap! - [BELL RINGS.]
Today was for nothing.
This is so unfair.
We will never get this level of hair and makeup again.
No, no.
I refuse to let this day be for nothing.
We are shooting a year's worth of social media posts while we look like this! Dawn, get over here! I'm going to get my phone.
- Guard the rack! - Yes! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
ALL: It's album-drop day! [CHEERING.]
We got the shot.
Let's move it.
Come on.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS.]
Congratulations to the Dodgers on their World Series victory! Congratulations to the Astros on their World Series victory! Congratulations to the Mets Hey, don't waste time on the Mets! Our hearts go out to the families and animals - in the disaster zone.
- Okay, we're out.
We're clear, we're clear, we're clear.
It's on.
It's on.
It's on.
Get the hat.
Guys, I know I'm late to the party, but I finally watched "Mr.
Robot.
" America can finally sleep, for tonight, through citizen journalism, I have solved the mini mall murders.
I got this.
I got this.
Turn it turn it around.
- Go, go! Get it, get it! - On this National Siblings Day, I'd like to formally announce severing ties with my brother, Richard McManus.
Big news.
I'm in love! Big news.
We're moving in together! ♪ Big news.
Me and name-added-in-post are engaged! ALL: Craft breweries causing a major rebirth ♪ Tap into your Fort Worth ♪ [SQUEALING, CHEERING.]
We did it! Gloria, I, uh I took the liberty of putting my number in your phone.
Well, I don't know your passcode, so I put it on your phone on a Post-it.
- You gave me nothing earlier.
- Well, I'm a professional.
I was at work, but we're wrapped, so So wait.
- I'm not bad at this? - No, you are.
It's just cute.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[SQUEALING.]
Thank you, Summer.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I just needed a push to move on.
Oh.
Don't make me cry.
I want these lashes to last three days.
[NOTIFICATION CHIMES.]
Chips and dip, Caroline texted! - Ugh.
- A lot.
I didn't write her back, so she spiraled.
Wait, which Muppet is that? I don't know.
That's her snerk! - Oh.
- I'm back in! Oh, Gloria.
Nope, don't you say a word.
I've been waiting so long for this.
Then you are not allowed to say one word the next time you think baby Summer needs to grow.
- Deal.
- Okay.
- Deal.
Love you.
- I love you.
Hey, guy dressed entirely in swag from canceled shows, get off your ass and take me to my ex-wife's.
♪ Aw, go perk your snerk, baby girl.
Yeah, let's talk about who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ Yeah, they pull up anywhere ♪ It's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yo, yeah, yeah, let's go ♪ Tell me who you know, with me, you drink for free ♪ Tell me who you know, we got our own tequila ♪ Drink up ♪ We will shake hands, small talk, make plans ♪ ♪ Yo, Flat Stanley knows me ♪ Yo, sour candy knows me ♪ Yo, creepy hand from The Addams Family knows me ♪ Yo, the king of prom knows me, huh ♪ Spider-Man Tom knows Stank, what ♪ Your mom - Mommy ♪ But also my mom knows me, shucks ♪ All of the homies have jets ♪ I fly, but my charter's a flex ♪ And I know the pilot, it's Brett ♪ And he left my chain in Tibet, bye-bye ♪ Everywhere an exit row ♪ Got "Soul Plane" stripper poles ♪ Dad like, "Who your contacts, boy?" ♪ I shake hands with so and so, make bands ♪ Yeah, let's talk about who you know ♪ Your contacts ♪ Let's talk about who you know ♪ ♪ 'Cause I know everyone ♪ Yeah, they pull up anywhere ♪ It's 'bout to be hella fun ♪ Yeah, yeah, let's go ♪ Tell me who you know, with me you drink for free ♪ Tell me who you know, we got our own tequilas ♪ We will shake hands, small talk, make plans ♪ ♪ Shoot, Luke Cage knows me ♪ Auntie, Robert Roberts knows me ♪ Maile, Naruto knows me ♪ Bro, the Wyld Stallyns know me ♪ Whoa ♪ - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
[BISCUIT CRUNCHING.]