Gossip Girl (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1
GOSSIP GIRL: Good evening, followers.
For those who might have been
living under a rock,
maybe you haven't heard.
There's a new Queen of Constance.
Over a million views and counting
on your last four TikToks.
Tega reacted and Lil Huddy parodied you.
"Besting" is spreading faster
than chlamydia through Tisch.
Still no response from Julien?
But at least there's nothing
about your mom's
grade-buying scandal either.
You've bested even that.
If Julien isn't coming for me,
then my reign will be
as boring as hers was.
Which is why you need
a worthy romantic interest
with which to share your throne
and cause immaculate pain to
on a daily basis.
Candidate number one is ready
to meet if you are.
- Um. Hi, I'm Skylar.
- Uh-uh.
You're B.G. until I upgrade you.
Skylar Goodwin, 13,000 followers.
She's a senior at Spence, lacrosse
captain, student body vice president
No, too on the nose. Swipe left.
(HUFFING)
Can you believe it?
Our first public date.
Not a hotel fuck
or a vestibule duck in days.
- Those weren't all bad.
- (MAX WOLFE AND AUDREY HOPE CHUCKLE)
Hey, Stacey. My usual table, please.
Sorry, Max. We're booked up.
- Excuse me?
- Maybe next time, try Resy?
Did you just Resy me?
It doesn't matter.
We'll go somewhere else.
Yeah. Let's go.
GOSSIP GIRL: Which brings me
to a question for all of you.
Who are you now that things
have been turned inside out?
Let's make a carbonara
like the Roman gods intended.
Ingredients
The classic carbonara has no cream.
It's egg, cheese, and a type of bacon
called guanciale.
Okay. I may have
undercooked it a little bit,
so, uh, I hope
you like doughy over dente.
(NICK LOTT CHUCKLES)
The pasta's not the only thing
that's doughy.
You've cooked every night this week.
The effort hasn't gone unnoticed.
- (ZOYA LOTT CHUCKLES)
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
ZOYA: Honestly,
I'm just glad I actually get
cooking videos again
after my For You page
was contaminated with deHaanTok.
- Mm.
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- Everything okay?
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
Yeah. Sorry. Just work stuff.
I have a huge court case in the morning.
- Hmm.
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
("DARKSIDE" BY AMBER MARK PLAYING) ♪
There's so much stressing 'bout ♪
All the doubts in my head ♪
Monet's "Who Wore It?" TikToks
are now officially
a trend called "besting."
- She does look good.
- Are you really going to keep
playing pacifist while Rome burns?
I'm taking the high road.
There's no such thing
as a one-sided war.
Tell that to the Romans.
GOSSIP GIRL: But don't worry, Julien.
Imitation is the sincerest form
of battery.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Only two more days together.
(SIGHS) I'll fly up from the
campaign trail as soon as I can.
All I have to do is stand
and smile by my mom, anyways.
Maybe I could sneak
a hologram of myself in.
Obie! And Grace.
It's so nice to see you.
Yeah.
We're at our usual spot
if you wanna join.
- Feels like forever
- Actually, we're just gonna go
hang by the bar.
GOSSIP GIRL: And after all,
a new world order
only means one thing, new problems.
That was weird, right?
Mm. Understandably. I mean,
we did get her wasted
and put her meltdown
on every platform we could find.
Which is exactly what you need
to be doing to Monet, by the way.
Devalue that currency, girl.
Everyone is looking to you to respond.
Dakota even talked about it on Drew.
I don't care about some fake war
with a fake rival.
What I care about are my friends
and mending those relationships,
including Obie. And Grace.
It would be easier to stop
the polar ice caps
from melting. You wanna do that next?
You didn't have to make it awkward.
Look, just because
she apologized for what she did
does not mean
that I'm ready to forgive her.
So, can we talk about your mom?
'Cause I really wanna make sure
- that she likes me.
- She's going to love you.
I wanna make a good impression.
And you'll have
the perfect opportunity to.
I was able to wrangle
an hour of her schedule
for us to have tea with her
before she's surrounded
by donors and diplomats
at the big Amnesty International
fundraiser at the Guggenheim.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Wherever you may have landed
after the shakeup,
I hope it's on two feet.
Because sources tell me
this ground won't stay stable for long.
Till then, good night. And good luck.
When I died, your atmosphere
Brought me back to life ♪
You make me feel a little lighter ♪
The dark side gets a little brighter ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (DISHES CLATTERING)
- (GASPS)
Dad?
- Kiwi? (LAUGHS)
- How did you get in?
(GRUNTS) I still have a key.
And look, I made your favorite.
Banana pancakes.
You didn't have any bananas,
or syrup, so I improvised.
What are you doing in the city?
Big textile convention
at the Javits Center.
I was able to land a meeting
with a distributor
who has a line on some
second-run Turkish fabric,
which I can turn over
for a sweet markup.
Wow. That's great, Dad.
I'm sure you're busy educating
future presidents all day
and becoming
the next Harper Lee at night,
but any chance you can squeeze in
some Kiwi catchup time this afternoon?
Of course! Do you wanna come by
the school around 3:00?
You can meet my friends,
see where I work.
That sounds like a date.
Mm!
So good!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Four-point-four-eight!
Four-point-four-eight!
Is that a bad thing?
- I was a 4.22 last week.
- Oh, so it's a good thing.
No! Of course not. A low rating means
that they're jealous of what they
picked you up from or witnessed.
Ticking up is bad. It's very, very bad.
No table at Odeon? No comps at Dame?
- Waiting in line at Ostbahnhof?
- You waited in line?
See? Thank you. She gets it. Diagnosis?
Your cachet's based on everyone's desire
to fuck you.
Now that you've gone
from Élite to Baby-Sitters Club,
you might as well have moved to Austin.
So you're saying
now that the world knows
he's in a relationship, he's boring?
LUNA LA: Exactly.
Maybe you need your very own
Manhattan Maxploration.
That helped me
when my image needed updating.
No. No. You can't explore
a barren ground.
This is absurd. But nothing
I can't fix by end of the day.
- How?
- How?
By helping you do what you do best.
Throwing a party.
A debaucherous, drug-fueled,
who's-who and who's-under-who,
proving, in sheep's clothing
or out, you are still the Wolfe.
You don't even have to partake.
You just have to present.
From participant
to promoter is a level up.
I get to meet your dad?
The man behind your origin story?
The one who begat the woman
who begat a revolution?
Mm. These days, he mostly begets
refurbished furniture,
but you'll love him.
Everyone does. Apparently,
that gene skips a generation.
Shubin's been stonewalling me
ever since I sent in the tip
that got Burton fired.
Speaking of, hot goss
on the new head teacher.
- She's like our age.
- Which "our"? Yours or mine?
MIKE: Don't know. Totally crazy.
DUVALL: Oh, my God. I know. That's
- Greetings! Headmistress Duva
- WENDY: Teacher.
Uh. Teacher Du Uh.
Head Teacher Duvall.
Jordan Glassberg, computer science.
I loo I look forward
to working with you.
Hi, Jordan. And you must be Kate.
How'd you guess?
Oh, Mike and I have been
friends since grad school.
He's been, uh, filling me in
on where the bodies are buried.
- Oh. (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES) That's so good.
OBIE: So, when does Tiff get in?
This morning. She's taking
the train down from Exeter,
so I guess, like, 10:00?
She's literally
the coolest friend I have.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
Great! You're here.
Yeah, and I'm in the middle
of a conversation
- with my girlfriend.
- That's who I was talking to.
Hot chai with vanilla sweet cream foam?
My favorite order. How'd you know?
You mentioned it was
your go-to afternoon pick-me-up
over New Year's Eve,
and I'm a good listener.
Yeah, because you and Monet
were trying to sabotage her.
I was just
Let's just finish this up inside.
Less (INHALES) noisy.
Maybe "crash and burn"
is a good place to stop.
I'm getting contact basic, anyway.
(SIGHS) If she's here to stay,
as it appears she is,
I need her to like me,
or our entire friend group falls apart!
Look what Monet has done.
Everything's fallen apart.
I'm a Met step five. What are you?
Seven. We can't be seen together.
Let me get in good with Grace,
and then I'll tackle Monet.
That's right. Twelve dozen
of the Kumamoto oysters,
and then six cases
of the Larson Blanc de Blancs.
This is clearly reserved seating.
PIPPA: And this is your first warning.
Three of these, and you have to use
the teacher's entrance for a month.
(SIGHS)
You said you had updates for me?
Yes. We found you the perfect candidate.
Tiff Meyers. An ambassador's daughter,
a regular on Forbes 21 Under 21,
rumored dalliances
with both Jojo and Auli'i.
She wrote a viral essay at 14
on renewable energy
that was presented by Kamala
herself on the Senate floor.
She's the power lesbian of solar power.
BIANCA BREER: There's just one problem.
Her best friend is someone you know.
How is that a problem?
(MONET DE HAAN GROANS)
GRACE BYRON: You
have a good day at school.
OBIE: See you later.
- Hi, Grace!
- Gracie!
Oh, I just wanted to ask
if you wanted to hang out today
after school.
Mine, not yours. Do you even
Home school.
- How lucky!
- That tracks.
I just wanted to know
if you wanted to go
shopping with me at the same time.
It's just, you know, we haven't spoken
since the whole misunderstanding
in Hudson.
And I have so regretted my part
in Julien's manipulations.
That was your idea, Monet. And
- But which I agreed to, so
- Right.
These are both such lovely offers.
Perhaps we can combine them?
Oh. Oh, well,
the personal shopping experience
that I booked for us at Reformation,
um, only allows two at a time.
- That's too bad.
- Mm.
Okay. I can see if, um, they can expand.
But please watch my back
for any fountains.
I didn't push you
We'll see you at 3:00.
- Great.
- Great.
- Okay.
- Can't wait.
Perfect.
Good luck, bitch. She only has room
for one bestie, and it's going to be me.
I'll make sure of it. Girls!
You want in the door tomorrow,
you walk through those doors in this.
GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like this armistice
is armed and dangerous.
What was once peace
- is about to be blown to pieces.
- (SIGHS)
How's Operation Feed and Forgive
working out for you?
Mm, I think I'm one more
TikTok recipe away
from being ungrounded.
So, what do you say
to a celebratory sleepover
at my house? You, me,
a two-person in-PJs
reading of an Alice Childress,
directed by and starring me, of course,
but with occasional supporting
performances from you?
Maybe we should stick to my house?
Okay, I know my dad
was kind of an asshole, but
I mean, your dad probably
isn't even around that much
right now, what with his big promotion.
Why'd you say it like that?
- Okay.
- (BELL RINGING)
Don't freak, but my dad checked
with his lawyer friend
at your dad's firm,
she says they haven't promoted
anyone all year.
They're in a hiring freeze.
Wait, did you ask him to do that?
Shan, my dad's not a liar.
He was on the phone all of last night
preparing for a case
he's in court for right now.
Forget it, Z. I wasn't trying
to start something. I just
Yes, you were. And I'll finish it.
(PHONE RINGING)
RECEPTIONIST: Outten and Golden.
Hi, Bradley. This is Zoya Lott.
Um, I was wondering if you knew when
my dad was coming out of court today.
RECEPTIONIST: No court dates today.
Your dad took the morning off.
Let me transfer you to his cell.
(LINE RINGING)
(CELLPHONE VIBRATING)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
GREYSON DE HAAN: Nicholas!
- Thanks for coming in.
- NICK: Hey.
- Mr. De Haan.
- Huh. Call me Greyson.
Yeah. Shall we?
NICK: We shall. We shall.
- (BELL RINGS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Yeah, no, it was
totally crazy. "Get out"
- "of our way!" (LAUGHS)
- (DUVALL LAUGHING)
You don't think he'd actually
Tell her you sent the tip in
that got her predecessor fired?
You know him better than we do.
How well do you know him, by the way?
The only one
with job security here is you,
and the only thing you care
about is a one-sided rivalry
with Magic Mike?
Duvall told me this morning
to "use less words,"
and if I was "always this much energy."
But what do we do?
Convince Mike sending in
the tip was impulsive,
that you're deeply passionate
about your beliefs,
and sometimes you get carried away.
He'd never believe me!
He'd see right through it!
You could talk to him maybe?
Hearing it from someone else could
- DENNIS KELLER: Hey!
- Dad! You're early!
Uh, Jordan, Wendy.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Keller.
- Pleasure is mine.
- Do I seem like a lot to you?
KATE KELLER: Should we grab a bite?
There's a really great halal cart
Oh! Got us a reservation
at Rosa Mexicano.
Only the best for my Kiwi.
Uh, let me grab my purse.
Might be expensive.
Uh, you guys will talk
to that student for me, right?
You can count on us, Kiwi.
- (BELL RINGING)
- Hmm.
Jordan you should use less words.
(MUTTERING) "You can" Six words.
GIDEON WOLFE: (SIGHS)
Are you sure about the Bottega?
I think your father would prefer
the Etro.
Nope! No, no, no.
Hey, look, Pops is gonna love
whatever you wear, I promise.
You look great!
I don't know what makes me more nervous.
My first night away with your father
since the separation,
or whatever's happening here.
MAX: Um, all you have
to worry about is being late.
- All right.
- Okay?
Uh, have fun, boys. And don't
touch the Haring.
- He's been through enough.
- Okay.
OBIE: (GROANS) I'm nervous, Ak.
What if Grace's mom doesn't like me?
I'd be more nervous you won't like her.
Charlotte Byron makes
the Tea Party look like
well, uh, a tea party.
Didn't she campaign for Trump?
OBIE: What, like your dad
and my parents would have
if they were from here?
Look, Grace is not like that,
all right? She's like one of us.
I know you are nervous
about making a good impression.
AKI MENZIES: You
like Grace, and I get it.
- Yeah.
- Don't stress.
You know if I could be there
for support, I would, all right?
I get it. Your boyfriend's party
takes precedence.
I think he needs you
a lot more than I do.
I don't care if your cousin's
getting married.
You're the only bartender
in the tri-state area
who can make a half-decent Vesper.
So get your shit together
and be here by 6:00.
Your ratios are all off.
If I wanted CBD, I'd go to CVS.
We normally have more, but Lucas Hedges
just bought the bulk of it.
He's hosting a rager
in Brooklyn Heights.
We have pre-rolled joints
we can give you on discount.
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
Well, I can guarantee you
that, uh, there's never been
a rager in Brooklyn Heights,
and that pale-faced ginge
wouldn't know the difference
between dank and ditch, okay?
So you can give him your mids
and me your fire,
or I'll put your number on Telegram
and you'll be doing frat runs
the rest of your life.
(SIGHS) Okay. Ladies, hi.
So, I think there might be
a little bit of confusion
on where you are right now.
See, Mr. Wolfe has been one of
your most consistent customers.
So I think whatever inventory
you're thinking of
handing over to Hedges,
you can redirect.
We'll pay double?
- Sold.
- Sold.
("YOUR AGE" BY RINA SAWAYAMA PLAYS)
Not a secret, not a problem ♪
- Not a symptom or cure ♪
- (PAPARAZZI CLAMORING)
Only one of us is walking out
of here Grace's friend. Okay?
How does it look?
- GRACE: Almost ready!
- We can both be.
Why does everything have to be a battle?
I really like the emerald green.
Do you really think
that they want puppies and hugs?
No, that's for Hillary Duff.
Do you want to be dueting
with your younger self
ten years from now,
showcasing just how little
happened in between?
Or do you wanna keep grabbing
those brass rings
until you have full fucking grills?
I want neither of those things.
Okay. So, when I'm done with you,
that wish will be my command.
Why do you even wanna be
her friend anyway?
She's not big on social media,
and her mom redistricted Virginia.
Why do you? She's dating your ex.
- (SIGHS)
- And she's basic as fuck.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Oh!
I know what you're feeling. It's
a little out of your wheelhouse.
But I think you've never looked better.
But is it me?
Yeah, Julien has a tendency
to only think about herself.
What about Hmm!
- This is more you. Am I right?
- That is so cute.
It is. So try it on.
And then we'll head over
to everyone's fave,
Scotch and Soda!
(SIGHS SHARPLY)
ZOYA: You didn't answer my call.
NICK: Excuse me? I was
- I was in court.
- Not according to your office.
They said you took the morning off.
So is honesty really the best policy?
- Let's find out.
- (NICK SIGHS)
I didn't wanna say anything
until I was sure it was happening.
The promotion,
it just isn't enough money.
I've started looking for a new job.
And I had an interview in the
employment litigation department
at Debevoise and Plimpton.
Dad, why didn't you just tell me that?
I'm, like, always burdening you
with bad news.
So I wanted to make sure
this was solid before sharing.
It's still not done,
but I'm meeting one of the
partners at a charity event
- at the Guggenheim tonight.
- (SIGHS)
Z, it's fine. We just have to be
patient with each other.
Trust takes time to rebuild,
for both of us.
Do you know what my favorite
thing about Kate is?
- Her sense of duty.
- God. (EXHALES)
Obviously, she can be intense,
but her intentions are good.
Everything she does, she does
because she deeply cares.
- Jordan
- She cares so much.
- Which is why she
- She sent you to talk her up to me.
- No. No, of course not.
- Yeah.
Totally and completely.
Why am I not surprised?
What the fuck was that?
What do you want from me? I'm a lot!
I have to save my own job too.
(SLURPS)
(CELLPHONE VIBRATES, CHIMES)
Reservation for Keller.
Right this way. The other member
of your party's already been seated.
- Other member?
- My girlfriend, Theresa.
Can't wait
for my two fave girls to meet.
- DENNIS: Hey.
- Sweetie.
- WAITER: Here you go.
- MONET: Mm!
(GASPS) How'd you know
this is my favorite?
Oh, I just had a feeling.
Only one bagel, though.
Can't be late to meet my mom and Obie.
It's been so nice spending the afternoon
getting to know you.
MONET: You know,
your mom is super impressive.
Is it true that at the age of 25,
she became the mayor of Big Stone Gap?
- You know Big Stone?
- Yeah. It's, um
There's a movie called Big Stone Gap
starring Ashley Judd and Patrick Wilson.
Yeah! It's
It's one of my fave rom coms.
Mine too! Patrick Wilson is so dreamy.
The dreamiest!
Um, Obie mentioned
that you used to ride.
When I was younger,
my grandma had this horse
Obie didn't mention my accident?
Jules! How could you forget
about Grace's accident?
- Um (CHEWS)
- BIANCA: Found it! Found it.
Sorry. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. She
- BIANCA: Grace fell
- Mm. She fell.
Her favorite horse, Buttercup,
stepped on her face.
favorite horse, uh,
Buttercup, stepped on her face.
I lost my front tooth and could've died.
- Never rode again.
- MONET: Mm.
That's horrific.
MONET: But I'm so glad
you're finding new hobbies.
You're into soap carving, right?
BIANCA: She won a competition
last year at
MONET: Yeah, I saw that you won
a championship
- (CELLPHONE DISCONNECTED)
- at
Gothenburg! Monet? (GASPS) She hung up?
- GRACE: Gothenburg.
- Yeah.
It was in Gothenburg.
I love Sweden!
We should do a girls' trip
to the fjords this summer.
- I'd love that!
- So would I.
And then (CLEARS THROAT) T and I
are planning a cruise to Jamaica.
I gotta tell ya, she's put a
spring back into my step.
And you in mine, Den.
Your father is quite the character.
Indeed he is.
Ah! Don't you even think about it.
I gotta get to my meeting.
But I want to tell you
how happy it has made me
having lunch with my two girls.
I will see you later.
- (KISSES) Bye, sweetie.
- Bye. Thank you.
(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)
Um Jamaica.
I know you don't know me at all,
but I'm I'm not the kind of woman
who has blinders on.
He told me about his past, how
hard it was for you and your mom.
But he's turned a corner, truly.
He's in therapy. Did you know that?
I didn't know that.
MONET: Oh! This pic of you
and your twin brother
is so cute! Are you two close, G?
"G"?
Not really. Jake and I shared a womb
for nine months, but not much else.
Monet, we've been doing this
for twenty minutes.
I'm already late
to meet my mom and Obie.
But I'm so loving your looks.
Come on, just one more.
- OMG. You know Tiff Meyers?
- She's my best friend.
I'm seeing her tonight. Why do you ask?
What a coincidence!
I have had the biggest crush
on her from afar for ages.
- She's like the me of Exeter.
- That is a coincidence.
Do you think
that you could introduce us?
Um, sorry, my mee-maw taught me
to never get involved
in other people's relationships.
If it goes badly, you could lose
a friend. I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me?
I just spent the entire day
pretending that you don't have
the taste of a 25-year-old mom
from Tenafly, and for what?
That's what you guys were doing?
- You two are unbelievable.
- No, no, no! I wasn't It
- The I had nothing to d
- (MONET CHUCKLING)
How lovely to be dragged down
by you again.
I'll bounce back. And faster.
- Synthetics usually do.
- MONET: (GASPS) Ooh
She's waking up.
("ALL THE FEELS"
BY SCAVENGER HUNT PLAYING) ♪
Tell me, is this real ♪
Well, this party has flatlined.
Time of death, 7:32 p.m.
It's early still.
Yeah, and a lot of people already came.
Yeah, pre-game, Hope. Pre-game.
They're not coming back.
And what's worse,
my friends from Berlin are in town,
and they didn't invite me to the reunion
they're apparently having without me.
I mean, what, did our summer at sea
mean nothing to them?
AUDREY: Well, it says here
that they're going
to that charity event at the Guggenheim
that Grace's mom is in town for.
Yeah, so?
AUDREY: So maybe
we're thinking too small.
I mean, why be a local sensation
when you can be a global one?
I mean, if you're trying
to get your rep back up,
all you need to do
is do what you do best,
cross borders and boundaries.
I feel like I'm Hallucinating ♪
(CELLPHONE KEYPAD CLACKING)
- STAFFER: Senator.
- CHARLOTTE: Thanks.
I'm a Bowman Brothers straight,
one rock, but I assumed
you'd prefer a Coke
mixed with orange soda?
You know about Spezi?
I have a great staff.
Since anyone in my orbit
is under a microscope,
I have to. I know a lot about you.
Anything that I should, uh,
I should be afraid of?
I have a strong aversion to drama.
As you should.
I'm pretty turned off by it as well.
Doesn't mean you're not still
surrounded by it.
The smallest bit of scandal,
even on the periphery,
can sink my reelection plans.
I'm not saying I don't approve.
Your family's reputation precedes them.
I'm only asking that perhaps
you keep this in mind
regarding the company you keep.
(DOOR OPENING)
- Hi!
- Let's put a pin in that for now.
- There you are, darling.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
We've made good use of our
time together. Haven't we, Otto?
I'm glad he's accompanying us
- Yeah.
- to tonight's event.
Mm! Looking good.
I'll be back by 10:00.
Just gonna shake hands and pray.
- Good luck.
- Bye, Z.
(DOOR CLOSING)
ZOYA: Hey, Dad. You forgot your
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
(PHONE RINGING)
SHAN BARNES: Uh-oh. What now?
My dad. He made me feel crazy,
like like I was wrong
for assuming something.
But he just lied to me again!
SHAN: Ooh, should we ambush him
with a polygraph machine?
- I have zip ties in my bag.
- No, I have a better idea.
I'm gonna go to that party thing
tonight, catch him red-handed.
I'd like to see him lie to me then.
SHAN: Good luck.
GOSSIP GIRL: You can't just play
the hand you've been dealt.
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
GOSSIP GIRL: When your back's
against the wall,
there's only ever one way out.
- You have to mount an offensive.
- (PHONE RINGING)
Hey, are you, um, are you busy tonight?
I need your help.
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)
PROTESTORS: Bye, bye, Byron!
Bye, bye, Byron!
Bye, bye, Byron! Bye, bye, Byron!
- (CHANTING CONTINUES)
- Is it always like this?
JAKE BYRON: Occupational hazard,
given our mom's unpopular stances
on refugees' rights among the liberals.
- Hope my sister warned you.
- Not to worry, Jake.
His family deals with this all the time.
Except he's usually on the
other side of the barricades.
Hey, Senator Byron. Fuck you!
- (SPITS)
- (GASPS)
PROTESTORS: Bye, bye, Byron!
Bye, bye, Byron!
Bye, bye, Byron! Bye, bye, Byron!
- (PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (GUESTS CHATTERING)
(GROANS) Nice to see a friendly face.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- Thank you again
- for doing this.
- Yeah, it's
- quite a scene out there.
- OBIE: Yeah.
How can I help you avoid one in here?
Well, I promised Grace's mother
that there would be no drama.
And of course
- GUEST: So good to see you!
- OBIE: Divide and conquer?
All right. Look, oh, and, um
One more thing.
I I didn't tell Grace
that I invited you,
just because I thought
that she might think it's weird.
Um Don't worry, I
I'm Keisha McGuire's guest,
so her and I go way back.
- Thank you.
- JULIEN CALLOWAY: Mm.
OBIE: Uh, why are you here, De Haan?
And what will it take for you to leave?
An introduction to your
girlfriend's friend, Tiffany Meyers,
the future Lorraine to my Habsburg.
After what you pulled,
why would I do that?
Because I will pull much worse,
right here, right now, if you don't.
In front of everyone, including
Who was it? Your future mother-in-law.
- Look
- What?
- Just an introduction?
- That's it, king.
- Mm-hmm?
- Okay.
(GASPS) We're clashing tones.
We can't meet like this!
I'll be back in 15.
- Oh, my God.
- OBIE: What do you
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (SIGHS)
- Well, how exactly is this gonna work?
Just see and be seen
with your sea people,
and everyone will be talking
about you by morning.
Proximity isn't prominence, Hope.
Well, get in good with them now,
go out with them later,
and give 'em a night to remember.
What's this I hear about a night
to remember?
- Jules, what are you doing here?
- I'm a guest of a guest.
And my host wouldn't really like it
if things got out of hand,
so could the pocket pharmacy
close for tonight?
This is supposed to be
a dignified affair.
- All yours.
- Oh, thank you.
I cannot believe that you
just handed those to her.
I can't believe you think
I'd still keep my stash in there
- after that Rafa incident.
- (AKI CHUCKLES)
- (BOX RATTLES)
- Yeah.
Jules? Wait, you're here?
This is an event.
I go to events. You do not.
Why did you ask Grace to get you in?
Well, my dad lied to me. So
I'm gonna catch him in the act,
make sure he doesn't do it again.
Okay. Do you really think
that this is the place for that?
This isn't a debutante ball
or a school fundraiser.
Look around.
This is politics. The stakes are
- Jules.
- Obie?
- Have you seen Zoya?
- Have you seen Monet?
This is exhausting!
Yeah. Now you know how I always feel.
(SCOFFS)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- KATE: Dad?
What happened to your key?
- (SIGHS)
- (SOFT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
You owe me an explanation.
My dad is in town
for a textile convention
- and he has a key?
- No, an explanation
for why you sent your minions
to sweet-talk me.
Wait, how do you know where I live?
It's on the contact list.
Don't change the subject.
What are you so afraid of?
That I'll tattle on ya?
Yes! Of course, I'm afraid!
I thought I was doing the right thing,
and you're the only one
who knows I did it,
and you haven't talked to me
since I've done it, so
So, wh What do you want from me?
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
I'm sorry, I wouldn't usually answer
- an unknown number, but I
- But you're gonna use it to stall?
KATE: Hello?
Ah. I understand. Yeah.
I can be there in 15 minutes.
Thanks. (INHALES DEEPLY)
And now I have to go.
- MIKE: Sure you do.
- It's my dad.
- Sure it is.
- Don't believe me? Come with.
Fine, I will.
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Maximus. What are you doing here?
I could ask you the same thing.
If memory serves, you weren't
coming stateside till summer.
Ale, this is my boyfriend, Aki,
and my girlfriend, Audrey.
Spreading the love as usual, I see.
Audge, Ak, these are my friends
from my endless COVID summer
on the Azimut in the Aegean.
- AUDREY: Enchanté.
- Nice to meet you all.
I've heard a lot about you.
Max, didn't you say you made
some amazing memories on that trip?
From what little I remember, yes.
What do you say
we make some new ones tonight?
Oh! Yeah, sorry,
there is no smoking here.
(CLEARS THROAT)
LUC: And we don't engage
in frivolities anymore.
- We've, uh, matured.
- What, from six months ago?
We're focused on the future.
We get high on making
a global impact now.
That's why we're here.
Luc's an intern at the ICC.
He's presenting a paper
on the proliferation of opioids.
Well, why not proliferate them
here instead?
This isn't a joke, Max.
We're not interested.
Here you go.
Aren't you happy? Your cachet falling
isn't because you've gotten boring.
It's because everyone else has.
No, they've just forgotten what fun is.
And it's up to us to remind them.
Now's our moment.
Don't forget to mention
my passion for protecting
the environment.
Uh, Tiffany, let me introduce you to
Monet De Haan.
No introduction necessary.
I've been following you
for years. Consider me a fan.
The feeling is mutual.
From tailing to trending
in record time. I'm impressed.
I was just waiting in the wings
for Julien's inevitable crash.
- (TIFFANY CHUCKLING)
- And now I'm waiting
for you to leave this conversation.
- Okay. Bye.
- Thank you.
All right.
The triad is dead in the water,
and De Haan is vaguely under control.
Little Z may be a time bomb,
but I'm keeping watch.
Grace's twin brother is kinda cute.
Do not even think about it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Zoya, what are you doing here?
You said you're meeting with partners
from an international law firm,
right? So where are they?
- They're, uh
- Uh! Hey, fam!
You know, have you seen
the view from the roof?
- It is lovely this time of year.
- February?
Don't you wanna introduce me
to your potential new bosses?
I haven't seen them yet.
It's a big space.
Big.
Yeah. And yet, small world,
there's Greyson De Haan.
What's he doing here? You would know
because, um, he's the one
you're here to see, aren't you?
NICK: I'm not here to meet Greyson.
I'm going to give you one more chance
to tell me the truth.
Z Zoya, can I talk to you
for a second?
Okay.
Can we save
the family showdown for home?
I'm sure whatever you think
your dad is doing
is worthy of this reaction.
But Obie really needs tonight
to go well.
And this this doesn't need
to happen here. Please?
All right.
You have them follow a dress code?
And other edicts.
I'll have to try that.
I do already have my teachers
taking my exams and writing my papers.
Mm! Not to mention pretending
to bestie-up
to Goody Grace Byron, right?
A woman after my own dark heart.
Talking about the same Grace?
(CELLPHONES VIBRATING, RINGING)
GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted,
the ascending Queen of Constance
forming an alliance
with the Empress of Exeter.
Is this just a simple meeting
of the minds,
or an international affair
in the making?
TIFFANY: Gossip Girl doesn't waste time.
- It's crazy, right?
- Hmm.
Although maybe not.
Are you proposing
what I think you're proposing?
You and me, as the power couple
of the ruling class.
Exponentially raising
our followers overnight.
Consolidating powers
across school lines.
Setting trends and striking fear
throughout the Eastern Seaboard.
- We would be
- Unstoppable.
So, how how should we seal
this alliance?
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
Okay. We've got plenty
to send to Gossip Girl.
Or not.
- We're good here.
- MONET: W
TIFFANY: Don't get me wrong.
You're smart, stunning,
cunning, and cruel,
but I'm not really into girls.
Excuse me? Everyone knows
that you're the supreme sapphic
- of the sleepover schools.
- Everyone thinks I am. But
I actually have a boyfriend.
Don't tell anyone, though,
'cause this is really working for me.
You're queerbaiting?
For cred?
Nobody cared about me
when I was straight.
I "became" a lesbian
and now I'm front of mind.
People are digging around a bit, though,
which is why I'm glad to have met you.
Now we can both get what we want.
Power and influence.
What's the problem?
You of all people understand
it's the illusion that matters,
- not reality.
- (SIGHS)
If you want, I can eat you out
every now and then,
as long as you let my boyfriend watch.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- What was it this time?
- Drunk and disorderly.
We brought him in about an
hour ago, but to release him,
- we're gonna need a copy
- Copy of his driver's license,
proof of residency, and 400 cash.
Already handed over at the desk.
There's also a 28-dollar processing fee.
Mm. Twelve more than Jersey.
You can wait in here.
Uh, now that you know I'm not a liar,
please feel free to leave.
It usually takes
a couple hours from here.
If it's okay with you, I'll stay.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Power is being talked about.
If I wanna get back on the map,
I need to get Luc and them
back on it first.
- Seems like a tall order.
- No. No, no, no.
Their inner wolves are just dormant.
It's my goal to have them
lurching out to their Lambos
like Leo by the end of the night.
- AKI: But how?
- MAX: In order to regain
my seat at the table,
we're gonna have to make
a scene at the table.
You ready?
He's never gonna tell me the truth,
no matter how many times I ask him.
He's just gonna keep up this lie.
So now your food, mortgage,
and tuition all come
from Big Pharma?
At least you have a good hookup.
It's not funny!
Okay? This is blood money.
SHAN: If you really want him
to admit the truth,
there is one way to do it.
But you're not gonna like it.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You sending that in to GG?
It's what you want, right?
MONET: (SIGHS) And yet, I'm hesitating.
Why?
Well, I I wanted a sapphic victory,
but I got a Pyrrhic one instead.
Turns out, she's a secret straight.
So we're like the Gen Z KStew
and RPattz.
What's the big deal with that?
You're using her, she's using you.
Oh, like you were using Grace.
You were using her, to get to Tiff.
I just wanna be her friend.
The only reason that you want
to get in good with Grace
is to get back into Obie's good graces.
It's okay. It's human nature
for us to convince ourselves
that the things we're doing
are noble when they're selfish.
But when it comes
to compromising my identity
I have to draw the line.
JULIEN: I can't believe
I'm saying this
- but I'm proud of you.
- Well, don't be too proud.
I'm going to give Tiff Meyers
the coming out she truly deserves.
- Do you have to do that now?
- Why shouldn't I?
Obie asked f
(LAUGHS) You know what?
- Hmm?
- Go for it.
DENNIS: I had 'em in the crosshairs.
I looked good,
I said all the right things,
bought 'em drinks,
and they still turned me down flat.
(SIGHS) I just want
my seat at the fucking table!
I upholstered the goddamn seat! (COUGHS)
What happened with Theresa?
By the time she showed up,
she took one look at me and she
(SIGHS) I guess I broke
my promise to her.
She's gone. Theresa's gone.
Uh, why don't you get some rest,
and we'll talk about this tomorrow?
- Hey.
- Hey.
DENNIS: She ever tell you
about how she used to bust
all the umbrellas in the house
pretending to be Mary Poppins?
She was always trying
to make everything perfect.
Always trying to fix everything.
But everything kept on breaking.
(CHUCKLES QUIETLY)
She tell you about that?
No. She never told me that.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS)
Apologies. They're rolling.
I hope this doesn't offend your newfound
globally responsible sensibilities.
This is not the place for that, Max.
Déjà vu. Didn't you say that exact thing
as you bent me over the Vespa on Hydra?
And, as I recall,
you were wrong then too.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I nearly forgot about Hydra.
Well, after taking
our entire supply of K,
I'm not surprised. Allow me
to refresh your memories.
(PEOPLE IN VIDEO MOANING)
The event is almost over.
And we did it. (LAUGHS)
Thank you, again.
I don't deserve that.
I owe you and Grace an apology.
I only spent time with her today
so that I could get closer to you.
I wanted us to be friends, like before.
And I shouldn't have used
Grace to do that,
and yet, that's my nature.
If I can't get what I want,
instead of letting it go,
I just figure out another way
of going after it.
Really been beating myself up
about that. But the truth is
I am sick of pretending
that I'm some great person.
I use people. I try to control things.
You should let everyone be
who they are too.
I'm just trying to make a good
impression on my girlfriend's family.
But what about the next time?
And the time after that?
Life around us is never smooth.
And you're only gonna be able
to hide that for so long
before it explodes all over you.
- I can't ever unsee that.
- (PEOPLE IN VIDEO MOANING)
I don't even know what that is.
- (CELLPHONE LOCKS)
- Those were exhilarating times.
A shame they're behind us now.
Ah, but see, they don't have to be.
I mean, what good is it
in saving Mother Earth
if you cannot revel
in her earthly delights?
(BOX RATTLES)
Don't mind if I do.
What the hell? For old times' sake?
See you on the other side.
(KATE SIGHS)
I wish I could say
he's not usually like this.
- Nah, you don't need to explain.
- I just He's my dad. You know?
He's given me everything.
He went broke
putting me through Barnard,
bankrupt sending me to Iowa.
I I owe him everything.
I'm the safest bet he ever made,
and I came up short.
Nah, you're too hard on yourself.
Mm. Not hard enough.
I'm a failed writer
turned failing teacher.
I took those frustrations out
on the head teacher
instead of dealing with them myself.
Then I felt so gross about it
that I convinced Jordan
and Wendy to convince you
that I'm not as bad a person
as I actually am?
I should probably get going.
- Of course.
- Um
You know
none of us are as bad
as we think we are.
No
- Some of us are worse.
- (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
- (CELLPHONE UNLOCKS)
- (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I'm sorry, my daughter is where?
Yeah, she's just around this corner.
Yeah, she just asked me
to get you. And look
Nick.
Greyson. Oh, God.
Z, please. Now's not the best time.
For the truth to come out? Why not?
What is going on, and where's Monet?
NICK: Z, please.
As his new boss, Mr. De Haan,
you should know
that my father's a liar.
He lied about his promotion,
he lied about why he was
coming here tonight,
and he even lied about working with you.
You decided to go with De Haan Pharma?
- No. I'm just
- Using me to leverage an offer
from Debevoise and Plimpton, right?
(SCOFFS) That's not how we do
business, Nick.
Consider my offer rescinded.
Wait, I I I thought
NICK: No. I I know what you thought,
but you were wrong.
And your stunt now cost me
not just one, but two jobs.
I didn't mean to lead you on, sir.
Nick, you leveraging me
for something better
that's how I do business.
My offer still stands.
And in fact, I'll double it.
("S.F.S" BY SAD ALEX PLAYING) ♪
- I accept.
- Okay.
Crying into a bottle I'll
try to be good Tomorrow ♪
- Oh!
- Oops! I'm so sorry!
(GLASSES SHATTERING)
Friend of yours, I presume?
- (GUESTS CHEERING)
- ALE: Go, go, go, go, go, go!
CHARLOTTE: What the hell is this?
Obie! Come join us!
Of course! These are your friends too!
Mom, this isn't Obie's fault.
- Uh yes, it is.
- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
'Cause I tried to stop it. (SCOFFS)
Cynical, clinical Cyclical
bitch With a love addiction, so ♪
- Kiss me ♪
- (CELLPHONES CHIMING)
GOSSIP GIRL: This just in.
Looks like Exeter's shining star
may not burn as bright as she thinks.
Or maybe that's just the light
reflecting from
- her pants on fire.
- (SCREAMS)
Know what makes me ♪
Why do you ask me to smile
When I don't wanna smile ♪
You told Gossip Girl I'm het?
Yes. Also that you're
a really bad kisser.
I think it might be too much tongue.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dyke.
- (GUESTS GASP)
You're not gonna
treat my friend like that.
- Well, your friend's a bitch.
- (CROWD LAUGHING)
- (GRUNTS)
- (GASPS)
(MONET GIGGLES)
When I said "war," I didn't know
I meant on the same side!
- JULIEN: Don't you love it?
- Oh, I do, Julien.
- SECURITY GUARD: Hey. Come on.
- (TIFFANY GRUNTING)
SECURITY GUARD: All right. Hey,
that's enough. Come on. Come on.
TIFFANY: You'll be hearing
from my lawyers!
MONET: Okay, worth it, I promise!
Oh, Obie, I'm sorry. I am who I am!
(MONET AND JULIEN LAUGHING)
- We're leaving.
- MONET: I'm going, I'm going.
I'm a cynical, clinical
Cyclical bitch ♪
With a love addiction I cannot quit ♪
So fucking sad All the time ♪
(ALL LAUGHING, CLAMORING)
I'm a cynical, clinical
Cyclical bitch ♪
With a love addiction, so Kiss me ♪
Do it. Do it!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHTER)
Know what makes me ♪
(ALL CLAMORING)
(CHEERING)
Know what makes me ♪
So fucking sad ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(DENNIS WHISTLING)
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey!
- She's up. Finally.
- (LAUGHS)
- How are you feeling?
- Oh, I'm feelin' great.
Gotta be at Penn Station
in a couple hours.
There's an estate sale I wanna hit.
Heard it through the grapevine
the owners have a collection
of antique velvet,
pennies on the dollar.
(SIGHS)
I know what you're gonna say.
But you don't need to worry.
Yeah?
This time, I remembered the bananas.
Thanks, Dad.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (LAUGHS)
- To everyone watching,
we are here to kill the "besting" trend.
And ask why it was ever a trend
in the first place.
Why do we love pitting women
against each other?
Why compete for space
when there is enough room
for us all?
I know I've been guilty of that.
We all have.
It's a story that's been told
long before hashtags, duets,
or feeds.
And who does it really serve?
It's time we finally stop that story
and start a real conversation.
Won't you join us? We go live in five.
(KISSES)
I feel like
I'm in a Black Mirror episode.
He's this, like,
completely different person
I don't even recognize.
I'm telling you, we
gotta do an exorcism.
I know a hot priest.
You know what would look fab with that?
Those Doc Martens
from the church lost and found.
(SNAPS FINGERS) I think
they're in the front closet.
- Go get 'em, girl. I'll wait.
- Okay.
Take it we're still not speaking?
Hold on.
(SIGHS) I'll transfer my signing bonus
to you directly.
And if my new salary holds,
I'll be able to buy the place
back from you fully
in the next couple of years.
Thank you, Davis. I appreciate it.
(MOUTHING) What the fuck?
- OBIE: Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Good morning, Senator Byron.
Would you like to, uh,
would you like to get a coffee
Won't be necessary.
I'll make this short.
Last night was unacceptable.
OBIE: And I'm I'm
I'm truly sorry. I
"Sorry" won't cut it. You've proven
you're a liability to my campaign.
- But I
- CHARLOTTE: But
my daughter's happiness
is more important to me.
Well, I I can assure you
I won't be inviting my friends
to any more events.
That goes without saying.
But one friend in particular
I'd prefer you extricate from your life.
I did, I could ♪
The driver just gave me his demo?
If his music is anything
like his ride, it stinks.
No, no, no, no. That is the sweet stench
of victory, my dear.
After I paid for my messy mates'
rides home last night,
Jed was the only car
that would pick me up.
- Four-point-one-two!
- (AUDREY AND AKI LAUGH)
Max Wolfe's back, baby.
So, what's next? A power table at Odeon?
- Cut the line at Ostbahnhof?
- MAX: Actually, no.
I think I'd rather just spend
the night with you two. At home.
I mean, what good is a bad reputation
if you can't spend it
with the ones you care about?
(LAUGHS)
If she found out what you did,
it wasn't from me, Keller.
I know. It was from me.
I don't want to be like my dad,
always saying I'll change tomorrow
and then never doing it.
I am who I am, so it was time
I owned up to that.
- I told her myself.
- Mm.
And she understood.
She said she would've done
the same thing.
Proud of you. Takes a lot
to own up to that kind of thing.
Um so let me own up
to something myself.
The reason I came over
last night was to tell you
not to worry about me.
I was kinda offended
you thought I'd actually do
something like that.
I jump to conclusions all the time
about everyone and everything.
It is such a character flaw.
I I don't know you very well, and
But I'd like you to.
Ninth Precinct, tomorrow morning?
- (KATE CHUCKLES)
- Or, uh,
maybe dinner tonight first?
GOSSIP GIRL: When the dust settles
I'd like that.
GOSSIP GIRL: and conflict
has become compromise,
we begin to see things
a little more clearly.
We need to talk about that TikTok.
Monet and I are putting
the conflict behind us. Look.
She even let me wear this. Small step.
Tomorrow I'm wearing heels.
No. I meant your whole "Stop
the Story" concept is blowing up.
- "Stop the Story"?
- LUNA: Your words, not mine.
It is catchy and catching on.
And with the right help,
a.k.a. mine, it'll relaunch you.
People want to know
your struggles, right?
Your pain. They're gagging for it.
What do you say? Hmm?
Ready to take your influence back?
GOSSIP GIRL: And in that clarity,
we find hope,
the chance at a brighter future.
Hey. I came back with the Docs
and you were gone.
So?
What do you think?
GOSSIP GIRL:
Even when the voices in our head
tell us to keep ourselves guarded.
Is something wrong?
No. Those boots slay.
Come on. Let's go.
(CELLPHONE KEYPAD CLACKING)
GOSSIP GIRL: Because hope is fragile.
And trust is elusive.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I was worried I wasn't
gonna see you before I left.
I'd never let that happen.
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
GOSSIP GIRL: Nobody is ever truly safe.
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
GOSSIP GIRL: Not even me.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.