Green Wing s02e03 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 3
So no recollection of anything in the 24 hours prior to the accident and patchy - I would say, 20 to 80% - during the previous eight weeks.
You know that I'm trying to get Mac to piece together what happened between him and me, and yet, at this very crucial time, there you go filling his head with your complete bollocks.
I've just been in the bush there having having sex with an attractive young lady.
- I hope you're not upset or jealous at all.
- No, not jealous.
(squeaky voice) ' Pregnancy can produce a number of conflicting emotions' - Act normal.
- Dr Secretan, good morning.
Good mummy.
Oh, Jesus! - Oh, hello.
You're in early.
- So are you.
(retches ) (groans, then spits ) There we are.
All done.
- I know what you're thinking.
- OK.
- But I give a surprisingly effective blow job.
- I'll be sure to pass that on.
Marvellous.
'Scuse me, he'll do full-frontal nudity if you want.
Yeah, only if there is no artistic justification and these two guys get to be my fluffers.
I don't get these documentary people.
They said they'd ring about what they wanted.
Oh, I forgot to say.
I got a call yesterday from the, uh, producer thingy.
- You did? - Yeah.
They've asked me to present something - a sort of token member-of-staff thing.
What? They said I look like that person from Animal Hospital.
- Rolf Harris? - No, no, no, no, no.
Trudy? Trude? You know, the blonde, sexy one.
I can't see it myself, but they are the professionals.
I was supposed to do that.
I got a special outfit and everything.
Oh, let's see.
Where is it? Oh, oh.
It's nice.
- So where's Guy? Missed the bus? - (both ) Banned.
- So a taxi, then? - (both ) Banned.
- Perhaps he's walking.
- (scoffs ) What, he's banned from walking? Not a bad idea.
It's all very well some court taking away his driving licence, but did they consider who they are letting loose on the pedestrian community? - What's a fluffer? - Come on.
I'll show you.
Right, thank you.
Pay attention, everybody, please.
OK, good morning, filmy people.
A few ground rules, one or two do's and don'ts.
As some of you may already know, my name's Joanna Clore, and I'm Sue White and everything comes through me.
That's not to say I've got bowel problems.
A bit of trapped wind.
What it does mean is that I am in charge of staff liaising and media What are you doing? Laying down the law.
You're not the sheriff in this town.
I am.
You can take your pointy star and shove it up your back crack! This is my area of expertise.
What? High-pitched squealing and scary eyes? I do liaising and organising.
Which is your specialist field? Being tall and menopausal? Right, that's it.
Get to your room.
You're not to speak to the film crew for the rest of the day.
D'you hear me? Come on.
OK.
I arrange things in this hospital.
I'm the lone arranger.
I make the impossible possible.
Yeah, and you'd think it was impossible, but Joanna here used to be a John.
Check out the big clown feet - huge.
And the, uh, stubble.
It's a dead giveaway.
Get to your room.
And she's still got a jobby-jabber.
Get inside.
Go away.
You know, I was thinking, those bits of my memory that seem to have got mislaid, they're probably wiped for good, but I'm very glad that I'm catching up.
- It feels like you and I probably got on well.
- Sorry, do I know you? - Very good.
- What's very good? That bit when you pretend to be mean to me - love that.
- Who are you? What do you want? - Ahem.
Um Are you going to be like this all the time? I may have to call Security.
Are you going to do this in theatre? - You can have too much of a good thing.
- Oh, ha-ha.
I know what's happened here.
You must be talking about my identical twin sister Caroline.
- Pardon? You're you're Caroline.
- No, no.
No, no.
I'm actually Baroline.
- Baroline? - Yes.
You see, it was an alphabetical thing.
I was born slightly earlier.
And and you are? Uh Dr Macartney.
Dr Macartney, pleased to meet you.
I hope we enjoy working together as much as my twin sister probably did.
- Thanks very much.
- See you later.
See you later.
Dr Statham.
All right, I'll be right with you.
- We can probably just pop those back on.
- Right.
Shit! Sorry.
Sorry.
Didn't you hear me honking? I was You It's OK, I'm a doctor and you'll be fine.
Look into my eyes.
What's wrong with you? Come on! Pulled out in front of me.
- Oh, sorry I'm late.
The kids.
- Took forever to get ready? - Yeah, and then the traffic.
- Was terrible? Yes, wasn't it? Then I had to stop off at Oh.
Well, who did I leave at the vet's, then? (chirrups ) Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss? - No pets allowed! - (Harriet screams ) (cat squeals ) Oh, for God's sake! Uh Here, look.
Just fly, it'll all come back to you when you get up there.
Ready? You'll be fine.
Here you go, OK? On the count of three.
One, two, three.
My-my testosterone levels have been pushed up to an enormous 896.
Oh, so that's that's quite high.
Yes.
My body has become considerably hairier.
I've I've had to move up a pant size and I feel a lot more grr.
Oh, dear.
Just lend yourself to me.
You see, I used to have an outlet, a highly charged sexy sex colleague, but she's seen fit to turn her sexy back, as have I, it's reciprocal.
Unfortunately now my love cup rather runneth over.
You know, the juices have nowhere to, um, dissipate.
- Can you feel that? - No.
- That? - No.
Oh, yeah, I'm coming through.
You call those backpacks? You should get a real deal, you loser! Slate 45, take one.
(man ) And action.
- Angela, what are you doing? - I was filming a continuity shot.
No, no, no, no, no.
That was dressage, was it? And what's this? A delusional woman finally losing her grip on reality? No, no, no, no.
This.
What's this? What's this? Cellulite? A wiggle.
You were walking with a wiggle.
I've never seen you wiggle.
- Haven't you? - No.
You don't have a wiggle.
- You're faking it for the camera.
- I don't think so.
I'm not the one who has to invent quirky habits to get attention.
And they all seemed to like it.
Ooh, men like wiggly bottoms.
Hold the front page! Angela, it's a documentary.
It's supposed to show what we're really like.
Why aren't you wearing unflattering slacks and some mismatched top, then? Oh, you are.
Shall we take another shoot? Whaaaat? - I want to report a murder threat.
- Right.
Who are you going to kill? - No, it's me.
I might be killed.
- Right.
I have got a video tape.
- Really? Is it Thumbelina? - No, I gave that back.
Guy has made a camcorder tape of him doing it with his well, with our mother.
(spits ) A tape? (clears throat) - Are you tugging my squirrel? - No.
Guy made a tape for a bet.
Did he? Right.
Well, why did he give the tape to the king of the elf people? - He thought I looked like a priest.
- Were you in a pulpit? No.
I had a black T-shirt on with a white T-shirt underneath.
He could kind of see that.
He was very, very drunk and he wanted absolution, and I looked a bit priesty.
And, to be fair, I was hiding from Karen and so I had a false beard and some glasses.
Even though he thought I was a priest, he threatened to kill me if I told anyone.
- Just as well you haven't told me, isn't it? - I know.
Chop, chop, chop it.
Cut.
Cut it.
That's, um Welcome to our humble palace of miracles.
At committee level I could have pooh-poohed your plan to disrupt medical science for the sake of televisual titillation, but luckily I gave you the benefit of any dubiety.
You stick with me and everything should run like the proverbial baby's bottom.
- Smoothly.
- And you are? Dr Alan Statham, con con consultant radiologist.
Oh, dear, it's a bit rude.
Should actually say cunt sult contuntant.
- But I've ordered a new one.
- Right.
I just thought, you know, murder threat, tell someone.
OK, right.
Just I've not been in here, OK? I've not told you anything.
We'll just leave it at that, yeah? OK.
Slow down, shortie! Where is this tape now? - Well, it's not in my pants.
- No? I-I can't give that to you.
- Don't do anything bad with it.
- No.
I also would like to say that I dabble in humorous writing.
Yes.
No.
There it is.
And should you require any addenda to your scripts, with an informed medical slant, yet at the same time having a slightly sardonic or satirical - Addenda? - Excuse me.
- Addenda? - Plural of addendum.
Addendum.
Yes, yes.
Would your contributions be in English or Latin? - Could be either.
- I think early Aramaic might be best.
- That's just - They've gone.
Oh right.
Vale.
Valete.
(sings ) Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Yes! - You're joking? - Yeah.
Then he said I was crap in bed.
I was fucking devastated! But it turned out what he was trying to say was that I'd crapped in the bed.
I had been very pissed that night.
So that was OK.
- Sue White wants you to go to her office.
- What? - Sue White wants you - Yes, I heard.
Tell the caber-tossing tart I have rank.
She comes to my office.
Ah, she said you'd say that.
She said to say, she's got something on her desk Well, she made me write it down.
Something to do with your son putting his undersized sausage in your catering-sized oven and it getting burnt, and it all being hilariously caught on camera.
Yeah.
She wants to show it to you as she's thinking of sending it to You've Been Framed.
So that's good, isn't it, because you get GBP250 for every clip they show.
(Joanna moans ) (squeals ) She's a bit overexcited cos her cookery clip might be shown on You've Been Framed.
(Caroline) I'm just saying it's a male-dominated workplace.
Bollocks! I've got a few other points you could prove.
- There are women everywhere.
- (Mac) Crunching underfoot everywhere.
Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have.
It's pointless.
It really hurt.
It's like working with Germaine Greer.
She was all right in her time.
Bit tall.
- (Mac) Big mouth.
- Yeah, not a hindrance.
Not a hindrance at all.
Because, you see, I've got a great big cock.
- (Caroline) Guy, shush.
- And massive testes.
(Mac) Dr Todd, a little fiddly bit coming up now, so if we can just They're like cricket balls.
They're like tennis balls.
Well, no, boules.
They're like boules de pétanque.
You know, huge, throbbing nut sacks.
Massive quivering gonads.
What? What are you staring at? Mr average ginger bollocks.
They're like two tiny Scotch eggs.
You've got no balls at all.
(Caroline) You're right.
I'm a great big freak.
They're like that, sort of.
You insane Caledonian bitch! I want to tear your face off and eat it.
Please, please give me the tape back.
I-I'll give you money.
What do you want? - Put them in.
- Bugger off! I desire you to put them in.
Let's play ' find the lady accidentally having sex with her son' .
Ready? - That one.
- Sorry! - That one.
- Oh, dear.
That one.
Just tell me what you fucking want! (sucks ) - A couple of things.
- Yes? You to know your place.
Yes.
And? I want to fly, like a bird like a plane.
- Well, that's impossible.
- Oh, now, come on, eh? You, the ' lone arranger' , the ' one that makes the impossible possible' .
It was a figure of speech.
Like a tiny bird woman, I want to glide in the air.
Now leave me.
I must rest my scary eyes.
The teeth! They were my grandmother's.
She used to lick the dog's balls with them.
(barks ) It's just such a rush.
Whizz! It's a real surge of whoosh.
A bit da-da, a bit oo-ah.
One more minute and those babies might not have made it.
It's making those split-second decisions and getting it right that makes my job so satisfying.
Aaah, aaah.
And cut.
- Yes! - Wow! You are brilliant.
- Thanks.
I am feeling a bit horny.
- Blood makes you horny? - No, putting my hand up women.
- Oh.
- And delivering babies.
It's amazing.
- Right.
- Want some action in the delivery room? - Please.
Let me lead you in.
I knew she could act, but I didn't know Angela could do slut.
Yeah, and talking of doing sluts, I went down on a Guide leader the other night.
- She gave me a special badge.
- And we're back.
What was that, then? Vag badge? - Advanced cock knotting.
- Oh.
No.
No, no, you naughty No, you may not You may not smack my bare bottom, you It's absolutely Oh, dear.
You've caught us.
We thought you were away.
While the cat's away, we thought we mice would have a play.
Yeah, not in the mood, Alan.
Possibly the worst day of my life.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh.
- It's Quim, uh, Kim, isn't it? - Yeah.
Kim.
Kim, Kim, Kim.
Tell you what, if you and I were related, you would be my kith and Kim.
Yes, you see.
I don't suppose they'd let us have a kith, would - Are you trying to be funny? - Hm.
Yes, well Careful, because when the rapier of my wit is fully unsheathed, I can make a woman laugh until she fills her shoes with piddle.
You don't say.
(mutters ) So I've got it.
I've got it.
There it is.
That's fine.
- Can I help you? - Well, no, you know, nothing.
Just, um, enjoying the you the view view of you, not, um Do you want a closer look? Well, yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Oh, dear.
I think we're probably married now.
I just said, ' I do' .
Well, seeing as we're married, perhaps we should have a kiss.
Do you think? Kiss kiss me so she sees.
- OK.
Are you ready? - Oh, my God! - Close your eyes.
- Wait! Joanna, look.
We're doing kissing.
Mm.
No.
What's No, don't.
- What's going on? - She's - He tried to have me on my desk.
- Is it true? - She stapled me.
- Did you try to have her on this desk? No, why would I have her on the why try No.
- All right.
- Get out, Alan.
Come on.
Don't come back or I'll prosecute.
Plenty more ties like this Yes, what do you want, freak? I was just about to watch a really hot video.
- Oh, look, I haven't got time for games.
- Funny.
You did when you filmed this.
(French accent) Monsieur, you must be more careful with your camcorder tapes.
- Not exactly a pair of lookers.
- How did you get that tape? How? How, how, how, how, how, how? How do you solve a problem like Maria? Listen to me, OK? - If anyone else sees that tape, I'll - You'll what? - I'll kill you.
- Really? - I'll shoot your pointy face off.
- That's highly unlikely.
I could, however, be persuaded to postpone distribution.
- Well, what do you want? - Two things.
Firstly, secret of fire.
And? Let's keep the Trodd from entangling herself in the lion's mane.
Set the lion free, free.
Right.
You want me to get an actual lion No, I want you to keep Dr Macartney away from Dr Caroline.
I know! I'm playing your game.
It's such an easy game to play.
' Oh, look at me.
I'm mad and I'm Scotch.
' - You weren't there then.
- Yeah.
Deep-fry yourself.
Half Swiss beats mad Scotch any day of the week.
Right, listen to me.
Do anything.
Marry her if you have to.
I was thinking of marrying her at some point.
Dream on.
Just keep them apart, would you? Or this starts doing the perv circuit.
Oh, shitting Jesus! Just do it.
I must rest.
Do my bidding.
- You take that back, Mr Boyce.
- No.
- I insist that you take it back.
- No.
- Take it back, please.
- No.
- You take it back.
- No.
- You take it back.
- No.
Take it back, take it back, take it back, take it back, take it back All right! You're not a pedant.
- Properly.
- I'm sorry.
You're not a pedant.
- Bloody.
You said bloody.
- You're not a bloody pedant.
Good.
Thank you.
Now, then.
Where were we? Well, ten minutes ago it was one minute past 12 and I made the heinous - Heinous.
- .
.
heinous error of saying good morning.
The rest is history.
Well, Mr Boyce, where would history be without its great sticklers for detail? Would Louis Pasteur have said, ' Good morning' if it was clearly the afternoon? - I think he would have said, ' Bonjour' .
- No.
Forgive me.
He would have said, if it was a minute past midday, ' Bon après-midà .
I don't think he would have said anything to you, let alone given you the time of day.
- That is disrespectful.
Take that back now.
- No.
All right, well, I've got all day.
Right, everybody leave.
Go on.
Right, see you in five minutes, yeah? Not you, Mr Boyce.
You stay here until you take it back.
- I'm not going to take it back.
- (mumbles ) I'm glad You should have learnt your lesson.
Hm? I've got things to do.
You, stop.
Where are you going? - You said stick with you until I take it back.
- I didn't mean follow me around.
- So, take it back.
- All right.
I take it back.
You take it back.
- No.
- In that case, I take back my take back.
So, does that mean I do have to stay with you? No, no.
- So take it back.
- No, I won't.
Oh, dear.
Shall we open up another one of those, uh, thingumajigs? Wait.
I know this one.
Is it, um, body? Body? Body.
Body.
Body.
Well, I think we'll soon have one of those through here - Good, good, good.
- .
.
in the - Cinema? - .
.
theatre.
Theatre, right.
Doh.
Huh.
- What? - What? Oh, it's just a bit weird.
- What? - What, the Oh, just seeing you be nice to her, you know.
You know, the ' sarcastic witch' .
Your words.
Not mine.
You probably won't remember.
No, I'd never say anything like that.
Well, normally you wouldn't, no, but you really hated her.
- Why would I hate her? - Beats me.
I got on well with her, but Well, actually, she did use to criticise you a lot.
All the time, actually.
She used to call you clumsy in theatre, arrogant, emotionally sterile.
No, I'm not clumsy in theatre.
No, you're not.
That's the whole point.
She'd call you arrogant and emotionally sterile in social situations.
She said you were a bike-obsessed, fop-haired git, which is - Really? Really? - Yeah.
It's all right, though.
It's no big deal, is it? - We have to work together.
- You'll be fine.
- She seems civil enough now.
- Yeah, yeah.
Doesn't she? That's because she's putting on a really good front.
It's probably because you've been unwell, but that was what was making me laugh.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway, yeah.
Right.
That was nice.
Gentle, but firm.
Yeah.
Um Uh, what I wanted to say was - Yeah? - Um Doof! Why don't me and you have an open relationship? You mean see other people? Yeah.
But I don't want to see other people.
Do you want to see other people? Me? Um Uh, I've not really thought about it, to be honest, but, yeah, if you want.
How often would we see each other? I don't know, maybe once every year.
- What? - Well, ten months, then.
Once every ten I mean, it's just It's fluid, you know? That's the point.
- So what do you think? - I'm going to say no.
Yeah, but it could be once every two days.
It would depend on circumstances, yeah? I mean, think about it and get back to me.
Oh, love you.
I've decided you can leave.
You don't have to take it back.
No.
I'm not leaving until I take it back.
Everything's back.
I release you from all future take-backs.
- It's not and you can't.
- I can.
You can't be here.
- I can and I will.
- You shan't.
- Could.
- You wouldn't.
- I wod.
- You wodn't.
- I nod.
- You nodn't.
- I did do.
- You didn't do.
Now look away, I'm - You peed.
You ped.
- I peedn't! I pedn't! - You pedant! - No, I You pedant.
- No.
Take it back.
- No, you take it back.
- No, take it back.
- You take it back.
No, don't you No! - Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I, um - This is difficult.
- Really? Yeah.
I just wanted to say that I know that there was maybe something going on between us before the accident.
- You know? - Yeah.
Well, I know that I behaved in a certain way and you behaved in a certain way.
I think that maybe there was like a misunderstanding.
- A misunderstanding? - Yeah, maybe we got our wires crossed.
I'm sorry.
It was probably my well, it was definitely my fault.
Basically what I'm saying is it shouldn't have happened.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, absolutely, yeah, yeah.
I thought maybe we could start again with a clean slate, put all that shit behind us.
What do you think? If you say so.
Great.
Cool.
Penny for your thoughts? Yeah, yeah.
I used to box.
I used to box in the navy, yeah.
Ow! What the hell were you thinking of? Making a bloody tape! Yeah, all right, good point, but I needed proof for a bet.
Bet? What bet? You had a bet? Let me finish.
For a bet-ter way of improving my technique.
I do it with my golf swing as well.
I video that.
To check the stance and the grip and the position of the shaft on impact.
See where you're going wrong.
- You're sicker than I thought.
- Yeah.
And how did that evil Scottish harpy get her talons on it? Frankly, this is the disgusting bit - I gave it to a priest, and the bastard seems to have fucked me over.
You gave it to a priest? I was pissed at the time.
Confessing seemed like a good idea.
You don't expect to get shat on by the clergy, do you? - This is a nightmare.
- Yeah.
I'm going to be her gimp for the rest of eternity.
(phone rings ) (phone stops ) (phone rings ) (phone stops ) (phone rings ) (phone stops ) Having trouble making her look real? What is she doing working in a hospital? Working? Not since you've been here.
- Wasted.
- What? She is completely wasted.
I think she had a couple of vodkas this morning.
I mean, she just ticks every box.
Face: yes.
Voice: yes.
Body: yes.
It's almost unheard of, isn't it, having all three.
- Hello.
- Hiya.
Guess what? Patrick's going to Toronto.
- Bye.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Next week.
To make a part-improvised doc-rom-com.
He wants me to go with him, the madman.
It is not mad.
It is about the sanest thing I've ever done in my life.
- That is worrying.
Do they let you drive? - The crystals are aligning for me right now.
We're almost there with the funding and now this angel has just fallen into my lap.
- Sometimes you just get a gut reaction.
- I'm getting a strong one as we speak.
Toronto sounds so exciting.
Just part of me thinks I should just bloody go! Well, you can't miss out on a doc-rom-com-pompom.
- No.
No pompoms.
- Are you sure? Maybe you play a cheerleader.
- That's a good idea.
- Or a poncho.
I know she's sworn us to secrecy, but I've got to tell you.
You and Caroline before the accident, you know.
- What? We took cocaine together? - No, no, no, no.
Big buddies, yeah.
Interesting, in that I just heard a slightly different story from Guy.
- Who do you trust more? Me or Guy? - It's a tricky one.
- Well, I'd swear on my penis.
- Hm, then I would be forced to believe you.
Plus, of course, if I ask you, who would you trust more? Guy or anyone else in the world? It's not going to be Guy.
- I didn't even need the penis thing.
- Not really.
See ya.
Oh, here we go.
Coming up to the big 500.
490.
One, two, three, four Whoa! Ah, now you've dropped the rope.
Shit! - What did you do that for? You ruined it! - Sorry, sorry.
You know what I've done? I have thrown a spanner in the works.
Why would anyone want to do that? Shit.
I'd better go and ask my old friend Caroline Todd, cos apparently, apparently, we used to get on really well.
- Yeah, I can explain about that.
- Leave it.
Leave it.
This is ridiculous.
You find something you can't have, so you have to destroy it.
- But that isn't it.
- Save it.
Save it.
- Jealousy does terrible things.
- It's not jealousy.
- What was it, then? - Well - What was it? - I can't say.
- Ah! Finally run out of excuses.
- No, no.
All right.
I was blackmailed into it.
Brilliant.
There's one left right down at the bottom of the dirty, mucky little barrel.
Blackmail? Yeah, love it.
Brilliant.
I was! You Kim, get me Sue White's file and look for dirt.
Anything.
Arson, abuse, pilfering, embezzlement.
- (phone rings ) - Yeah? And I want a chandelier.
- A chandelier.
- (Sue) A motorised one.
Oh, don't be rid I'll see what I can do.
I shall drive it through the hospital waving at people.
Are you sure you mean a chandelier? Parp, parp.
Wave.
Right.
What have we got? Anything? - Oh, wait.
There's a complaints file.
- I knew it.
(both ) Argh! Damn, she's good.
Parp, parp, parp.
Wave, wave, wave, wave.
Parp, parp, parp.
Honk, honk.
- What's that? - It's a card.
Ah.
What's the occasion? Um, nothing, you know.
Just me getting out of the lift, I suppose.
- So can I have it now? - No, not yet.
Not yet.
- No, because I'll give it to you - (lift bell rings ) .
.
now.
Oh, yeah.
It jams sometimes.
No, don't open it yet.
Hello.
Can I get some help, please? We're stuck in the lift.
Please.
Quickly! - Can I have the card? - No, not yet.
- Go on.
I want to open it.
- It's best if you open it later.
No.
You'll spoil it.
- Give me the card! - There you go.
Ah, a sad little puppy face.
' So sorry you're leaving.
' Sorry I'm leaving? (groans ) Oh, my stomach.
Argh! ' Dear Karen, I do really like you, but I think we should stop seeing each other.
' Oh, my God.
I've got cancer.
That's what it is.
Argh.
' Completely.
No offence.
Yours sorrowfully, Martin.
Kiss.
' - That is bizarre.
Do you know what? - What? Somebody has Tipp-Exed out my original message, OK, and written their own message in there, forged my writing.
What I mean, why would somebody do that? It's just evil! - That's probably Guy, just - (lift bell rings ) What's that? - All right? - Fine.
And you? Yeah, good.
I wanted to say to you, please ignore what I said earlier about us wiping the slate clean.
- Apparently it was never dirty.
- Wasn't it? No.
No, sadly a rogue anaesthetist persuaded me that we were sworn enemies in a previous life.
I now believe that to be a fabrication.
Oh, it is.
It is.
Yeah, yeah, a complete fabrication.
Good.
That's good.
Cool.
(sobs ) Ow! Bloody ow! Ow! You've got the weirdest foreplay of any woman I know.
I have got a bone to pick with you, Dr Secretan, - I don't do surgery.
I just knock 'em out.
- .
.
about you lying to Mac.
Me? Lie? Oh, it's his funny brain, isn't it? He's probably forgotten what I said.
- He remembers what you said, Guy.
- Maybe you've forgotten what he said.
- No, no.
I have an excellent memory.
- They're both quite good.
- What? - Oh, I thought you said mammary.
- Excellent memory.
- Gotcha.
You're like an elephant.
You're really winning me round now.
Not in a bad way.
You're not big, fat and grey.
Don't say she's not big, fat and grey.
She'll lower her standards.
It's Marvo the Memory Man.
We were just talking about elephants.
Have you seen the size of his ears? That's why he has long, girlie hair.
You're the one with the big nose that you keep sticking into other people's business.
With your donkey face, long trunk and hairy-caterpillar eyebrow.
All right, all right! Do I go round saying you look like a Harrier jump jet? - I don't know.
Do you? - I don't know.
Do I? Memory like a sieve.
- It's the drink.
- I can handle my drink.
Oh, yes.
This from a man who thought Martin was a priest.
Excuse me? You mistook Martin for a priest.
Excuse me? OK.
You staggered up to me, you went, ' Oh, I've just met a really nice priest' , you pointed at Martin, you fell over.
Excuse me.
( door shuts ) Aha.
Dr Angela Hunter.
Hunter by name, Angela by nature.
- I have a hypothetical question.
- I have a hole punch.
So let's not get bigheaded.
What would happen if a paediatric registrar were to resign? Well, he, she, or indeed it, would have to serve a minimum eight weeks' notice, unless otherwise stated in their contract.
- Any way of bringing that time down a bit? - To how long? Just over three hours.
Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree, hm? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question.
The others were rhetorical.
This is a chance of a lifetime.
If it doesn't happen now, it may never happen! - Are we still on the rim thing? - No! My career change.
So are you going to be able to help me, or should I go straight to Joanna? Well, I think you'll find Joanna is currently my bitch.
I am top dog, so to speak.
But as it happens, I may, may, may be able to facilitate an early release.
- Really? - Yes.
But I would, however, have to ask you to inform Dr Macartney of Dr Todd's tragic hereditary disease.
You know me.
There are certain times when I have absolutely no scruples whatsoever.
I can't believe you're just letting her It's just Look, can't you How did you get in? Angela can't go, just like that.
Alas, she has gone to a better place.
It's telly.
She hasn't died.
Not died.
I know you're busy.
We're all busy, and arguably I am busier than any.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that, comparatively, on the scale of busy-ness importance, consultant: hm, director: er.
Nevertheless, despite my busy-ness, I have managed to pen for you a rather amusing medical ditty as follows - A is for appendectomy, B is for barium - No.
I knew you would say Right.
Bird songs of Northern Europe.
The corncrake (twitters ) Go away.
(sighs ) - Yep, it's a terrible thing.
- Hm, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If I find out who told Sue White about that tape Yeah, I know.
It's a mystery.
We should sleep on it.
I just think Two people knew about it.
Me.
The priest.
I'm the victim, so that rules me out.
Ah, yes, but does it? Yes, it does.
No, because on Miss Marple you wouldn't be ruled out.
- It's always the one you least suspect.
- Forget Miss Marple.
- No, because she's a very talented detective.
- She looks like a scrotum in a hat! There are many strings to my bow.
The final string I offer you is this: shadow puppetry.
Wolf! See? Very eff with the light and everything.
Well, all right.
What's this? - It's your hand.
- Bloody ignorant Irish ponce! Fuck off! - I think he's gone.
- Would would that you had were.
No.
I think we need to concentrate on finding the identity of the priest.
Oh, no.
Forget the priest.
The priest is going to be gone, out of the country.
Not necessarily.
I'd remember that face anywhere.
- Really? - Yeah.
What was his name, now? Father Martin O'Dear.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, dear.
What? So you think I'm the priest? You think I'd betray you? I'm sorry it's come to this, Martin.
We're friends and we're family.
- I wish things could've been different.
- They could.
No, they can't.
This hurts me.
- It's gonna hurts me too, isn't it? - Yeah.
Fly! You little Scotch midge.
Go on, swivel.
(phone rings ) Hello? Is my passport ready? - Do you want to sign Angela's leaving card? - Do I have to? You're the only one who hasn't, so she'll probably notice.
- I haven't got time.
- It's only going to take a minute.
No, it'll take at least half an hour.
It always does.
Yeah? Why? Because I have to write the wittiest thing on the whole card, OK? I see.
Too late.
I've already done that.
- Here.
- Oh, you have.
Oh, that's not fair.
You can't get wittier than that.
- I know.
- Well, can I put that too? I'm not sure it works if you put the same thing twice.
Damn you.
I could Tipp-Ex out ' Mac' and put ' Caroline' .
- I'd have to think of something else.
- Don't care.
OK, how about putting an arrow that says: ' I told Mac to say this because he couldn't think of anything better.
' - I love you.
- I love you too.
Uh, no.
I mean, you know, I-I love you for helping me with that really good suggestion.
- I know what you meant, yeah.
- Good, good.
(Martin ) Hiya, Mac.
OK.
That is the worst ' going to the toilet' I've ever seen.
Yeah, Guy said that he was going to phone the gays.
- Which gays? - Well, all of them.
The thing about the gays is they're probably more scared of you than you are of them.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Cheers.
Yeah, that does make me feel slightly better.
- Shall I cut you down? - Yeah, if you could.
Then I can get that tape back off Sue White.
- What tape? - The, you know, the tape that Oh, shit! I've done it again.
You have got a rubbish vagina.
And your cock is as thin and pointy as a pencil.
(Statham ) Ow! Bye-bye, doggy dick! (Statham ) Ow! Oh, Dr Macartney, now, this is a late visit.
Yeah, yeah.
It's about a tape.
A haaandbaaag? No, no, a tape.
I know.
I've just always wanted to say that.
Sue White, I need the tape of Guy and Joanna.
No.
Oh, Dr Macartney, there are so many things I would give you, though.
- Yeah.
Shall we just start with the tape? - But why, oh, why? I'm going to give it back to them and they're going to destroy it.
- But - You can do this Sue.
You can do this.
Just show me, show me, show me that you have a heart.
- Oh, I admire your power.
- Yeah.
Ah, now.
Aha! My opinion regarding your nether regions still obtains.
You-you have magical powers.
You do.
You are a Yes? Yes? A queen, crazy crazy with power, but you have a heart.
Set them free.
Set them free.
It's in my pants.
I want what's in your pants.
Ah! No.
Excuse me.
Who is that? Just someone.
I'm going to let him buy me a drink.
- You can't.
- I can.
You dumped me.
I can do what I like.
But I didn't realise other people would be interested.
It came as a bit of a shock to me, actually.
Well, you're undumped.
Oh, that's romantic.
- Aren't you going to say something to him? - Yes.
Um, excuse me.
Set meal C for two, for one, please.
- For one? - Yes, for one.
Just me, alone, nobody else.
Obviously if she were here, she'd probably have pork balls, but, no, not any more.
She'd probably rather be having dirty sex with her own son again.
Bye.
- So, Caroline, this is it, our fond farewell.
- Yep, well, I'm happy for you.
Are you? How mature of you.
I thought you'd be seething with jealousy.
But, no, thanks.
We must finally be true friends.
You must really like me.
No, you're right.
I hate your success, I hate your wiggle and I hate your flicky hair.
- Now you're just saying that.
- No, I mean it.
I know.
You're the perfect girlfriend.
Easy, easy.
- See you.
- See you.
Take it easy.
Oh, God.
It already feels a bit weird now she's gone.
I feel very emotional.
I feel a bit a bit sad.
- I just want a hug.
- No.
Give us a hug? - Give us a hug? Please.
Hug? - No.
No? (groans and sighs ) Tired.
Very tired.
I've been, uh I've been in front of the camera all day.
- Right.
- Yes, I've been filming.
Probably, yes.
We wrapped.
I have to say, the director - bit of a tit.
A bit of an oafish, Irish-bog person.
I had a song prepared and he wasn't prepared he wasn't prepared, because he was, ' Oh, no.
Oh, no, we haven't got time for the song.
' I beg your pardon? What is the song, you ask? I think your food's almost ready.
A is for appendectomy B is for barium C is for cystitis, defibrillate is for D That's how it goes.
E is for echocardiography.
It's quite complex, isn't it? F is for fucking director.
G is for gobshites.
He he-he is a bastard is H.
I is bloody pissed off! J is for jiggly jugs and K is for kicking arse.
And lady lips is L.
And M is mmm N is nnn And O Ohh! Penis is for P.
Q is for queer.
No! I'm not queer.
Not me, no.
R is for rectum.
S is for shits and slits and and tiny tits is T.
And U is a bastard.
And V is for vagina.
And V, W, X W is for wanky wank and Y-fronts is for Y.
And x-ray is for and Z No, don't don't push.
No, A is an arsehole, B is a bastard.
And C is for Oh, cock off! Go away.
Shoo! Stop.
Just hold That should not have been erotic.
Ach, well.
Two more minutes.
A haaandbaaag?
You know that I'm trying to get Mac to piece together what happened between him and me, and yet, at this very crucial time, there you go filling his head with your complete bollocks.
I've just been in the bush there having having sex with an attractive young lady.
- I hope you're not upset or jealous at all.
- No, not jealous.
(squeaky voice) ' Pregnancy can produce a number of conflicting emotions' - Act normal.
- Dr Secretan, good morning.
Good mummy.
Oh, Jesus! - Oh, hello.
You're in early.
- So are you.
(retches ) (groans, then spits ) There we are.
All done.
- I know what you're thinking.
- OK.
- But I give a surprisingly effective blow job.
- I'll be sure to pass that on.
Marvellous.
'Scuse me, he'll do full-frontal nudity if you want.
Yeah, only if there is no artistic justification and these two guys get to be my fluffers.
I don't get these documentary people.
They said they'd ring about what they wanted.
Oh, I forgot to say.
I got a call yesterday from the, uh, producer thingy.
- You did? - Yeah.
They've asked me to present something - a sort of token member-of-staff thing.
What? They said I look like that person from Animal Hospital.
- Rolf Harris? - No, no, no, no, no.
Trudy? Trude? You know, the blonde, sexy one.
I can't see it myself, but they are the professionals.
I was supposed to do that.
I got a special outfit and everything.
Oh, let's see.
Where is it? Oh, oh.
It's nice.
- So where's Guy? Missed the bus? - (both ) Banned.
- So a taxi, then? - (both ) Banned.
- Perhaps he's walking.
- (scoffs ) What, he's banned from walking? Not a bad idea.
It's all very well some court taking away his driving licence, but did they consider who they are letting loose on the pedestrian community? - What's a fluffer? - Come on.
I'll show you.
Right, thank you.
Pay attention, everybody, please.
OK, good morning, filmy people.
A few ground rules, one or two do's and don'ts.
As some of you may already know, my name's Joanna Clore, and I'm Sue White and everything comes through me.
That's not to say I've got bowel problems.
A bit of trapped wind.
What it does mean is that I am in charge of staff liaising and media What are you doing? Laying down the law.
You're not the sheriff in this town.
I am.
You can take your pointy star and shove it up your back crack! This is my area of expertise.
What? High-pitched squealing and scary eyes? I do liaising and organising.
Which is your specialist field? Being tall and menopausal? Right, that's it.
Get to your room.
You're not to speak to the film crew for the rest of the day.
D'you hear me? Come on.
OK.
I arrange things in this hospital.
I'm the lone arranger.
I make the impossible possible.
Yeah, and you'd think it was impossible, but Joanna here used to be a John.
Check out the big clown feet - huge.
And the, uh, stubble.
It's a dead giveaway.
Get to your room.
And she's still got a jobby-jabber.
Get inside.
Go away.
You know, I was thinking, those bits of my memory that seem to have got mislaid, they're probably wiped for good, but I'm very glad that I'm catching up.
- It feels like you and I probably got on well.
- Sorry, do I know you? - Very good.
- What's very good? That bit when you pretend to be mean to me - love that.
- Who are you? What do you want? - Ahem.
Um Are you going to be like this all the time? I may have to call Security.
Are you going to do this in theatre? - You can have too much of a good thing.
- Oh, ha-ha.
I know what's happened here.
You must be talking about my identical twin sister Caroline.
- Pardon? You're you're Caroline.
- No, no.
No, no.
I'm actually Baroline.
- Baroline? - Yes.
You see, it was an alphabetical thing.
I was born slightly earlier.
And and you are? Uh Dr Macartney.
Dr Macartney, pleased to meet you.
I hope we enjoy working together as much as my twin sister probably did.
- Thanks very much.
- See you later.
See you later.
Dr Statham.
All right, I'll be right with you.
- We can probably just pop those back on.
- Right.
Shit! Sorry.
Sorry.
Didn't you hear me honking? I was You It's OK, I'm a doctor and you'll be fine.
Look into my eyes.
What's wrong with you? Come on! Pulled out in front of me.
- Oh, sorry I'm late.
The kids.
- Took forever to get ready? - Yeah, and then the traffic.
- Was terrible? Yes, wasn't it? Then I had to stop off at Oh.
Well, who did I leave at the vet's, then? (chirrups ) Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss? - No pets allowed! - (Harriet screams ) (cat squeals ) Oh, for God's sake! Uh Here, look.
Just fly, it'll all come back to you when you get up there.
Ready? You'll be fine.
Here you go, OK? On the count of three.
One, two, three.
My-my testosterone levels have been pushed up to an enormous 896.
Oh, so that's that's quite high.
Yes.
My body has become considerably hairier.
I've I've had to move up a pant size and I feel a lot more grr.
Oh, dear.
Just lend yourself to me.
You see, I used to have an outlet, a highly charged sexy sex colleague, but she's seen fit to turn her sexy back, as have I, it's reciprocal.
Unfortunately now my love cup rather runneth over.
You know, the juices have nowhere to, um, dissipate.
- Can you feel that? - No.
- That? - No.
Oh, yeah, I'm coming through.
You call those backpacks? You should get a real deal, you loser! Slate 45, take one.
(man ) And action.
- Angela, what are you doing? - I was filming a continuity shot.
No, no, no, no, no.
That was dressage, was it? And what's this? A delusional woman finally losing her grip on reality? No, no, no, no.
This.
What's this? What's this? Cellulite? A wiggle.
You were walking with a wiggle.
I've never seen you wiggle.
- Haven't you? - No.
You don't have a wiggle.
- You're faking it for the camera.
- I don't think so.
I'm not the one who has to invent quirky habits to get attention.
And they all seemed to like it.
Ooh, men like wiggly bottoms.
Hold the front page! Angela, it's a documentary.
It's supposed to show what we're really like.
Why aren't you wearing unflattering slacks and some mismatched top, then? Oh, you are.
Shall we take another shoot? Whaaaat? - I want to report a murder threat.
- Right.
Who are you going to kill? - No, it's me.
I might be killed.
- Right.
I have got a video tape.
- Really? Is it Thumbelina? - No, I gave that back.
Guy has made a camcorder tape of him doing it with his well, with our mother.
(spits ) A tape? (clears throat) - Are you tugging my squirrel? - No.
Guy made a tape for a bet.
Did he? Right.
Well, why did he give the tape to the king of the elf people? - He thought I looked like a priest.
- Were you in a pulpit? No.
I had a black T-shirt on with a white T-shirt underneath.
He could kind of see that.
He was very, very drunk and he wanted absolution, and I looked a bit priesty.
And, to be fair, I was hiding from Karen and so I had a false beard and some glasses.
Even though he thought I was a priest, he threatened to kill me if I told anyone.
- Just as well you haven't told me, isn't it? - I know.
Chop, chop, chop it.
Cut.
Cut it.
That's, um Welcome to our humble palace of miracles.
At committee level I could have pooh-poohed your plan to disrupt medical science for the sake of televisual titillation, but luckily I gave you the benefit of any dubiety.
You stick with me and everything should run like the proverbial baby's bottom.
- Smoothly.
- And you are? Dr Alan Statham, con con consultant radiologist.
Oh, dear, it's a bit rude.
Should actually say cunt sult contuntant.
- But I've ordered a new one.
- Right.
I just thought, you know, murder threat, tell someone.
OK, right.
Just I've not been in here, OK? I've not told you anything.
We'll just leave it at that, yeah? OK.
Slow down, shortie! Where is this tape now? - Well, it's not in my pants.
- No? I-I can't give that to you.
- Don't do anything bad with it.
- No.
I also would like to say that I dabble in humorous writing.
Yes.
No.
There it is.
And should you require any addenda to your scripts, with an informed medical slant, yet at the same time having a slightly sardonic or satirical - Addenda? - Excuse me.
- Addenda? - Plural of addendum.
Addendum.
Yes, yes.
Would your contributions be in English or Latin? - Could be either.
- I think early Aramaic might be best.
- That's just - They've gone.
Oh right.
Vale.
Valete.
(sings ) Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Yes! - You're joking? - Yeah.
Then he said I was crap in bed.
I was fucking devastated! But it turned out what he was trying to say was that I'd crapped in the bed.
I had been very pissed that night.
So that was OK.
- Sue White wants you to go to her office.
- What? - Sue White wants you - Yes, I heard.
Tell the caber-tossing tart I have rank.
She comes to my office.
Ah, she said you'd say that.
She said to say, she's got something on her desk Well, she made me write it down.
Something to do with your son putting his undersized sausage in your catering-sized oven and it getting burnt, and it all being hilariously caught on camera.
Yeah.
She wants to show it to you as she's thinking of sending it to You've Been Framed.
So that's good, isn't it, because you get GBP250 for every clip they show.
(Joanna moans ) (squeals ) She's a bit overexcited cos her cookery clip might be shown on You've Been Framed.
(Caroline) I'm just saying it's a male-dominated workplace.
Bollocks! I've got a few other points you could prove.
- There are women everywhere.
- (Mac) Crunching underfoot everywhere.
Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have.
It's pointless.
It really hurt.
It's like working with Germaine Greer.
She was all right in her time.
Bit tall.
- (Mac) Big mouth.
- Yeah, not a hindrance.
Not a hindrance at all.
Because, you see, I've got a great big cock.
- (Caroline) Guy, shush.
- And massive testes.
(Mac) Dr Todd, a little fiddly bit coming up now, so if we can just They're like cricket balls.
They're like tennis balls.
Well, no, boules.
They're like boules de pétanque.
You know, huge, throbbing nut sacks.
Massive quivering gonads.
What? What are you staring at? Mr average ginger bollocks.
They're like two tiny Scotch eggs.
You've got no balls at all.
(Caroline) You're right.
I'm a great big freak.
They're like that, sort of.
You insane Caledonian bitch! I want to tear your face off and eat it.
Please, please give me the tape back.
I-I'll give you money.
What do you want? - Put them in.
- Bugger off! I desire you to put them in.
Let's play ' find the lady accidentally having sex with her son' .
Ready? - That one.
- Sorry! - That one.
- Oh, dear.
That one.
Just tell me what you fucking want! (sucks ) - A couple of things.
- Yes? You to know your place.
Yes.
And? I want to fly, like a bird like a plane.
- Well, that's impossible.
- Oh, now, come on, eh? You, the ' lone arranger' , the ' one that makes the impossible possible' .
It was a figure of speech.
Like a tiny bird woman, I want to glide in the air.
Now leave me.
I must rest my scary eyes.
The teeth! They were my grandmother's.
She used to lick the dog's balls with them.
(barks ) It's just such a rush.
Whizz! It's a real surge of whoosh.
A bit da-da, a bit oo-ah.
One more minute and those babies might not have made it.
It's making those split-second decisions and getting it right that makes my job so satisfying.
Aaah, aaah.
And cut.
- Yes! - Wow! You are brilliant.
- Thanks.
I am feeling a bit horny.
- Blood makes you horny? - No, putting my hand up women.
- Oh.
- And delivering babies.
It's amazing.
- Right.
- Want some action in the delivery room? - Please.
Let me lead you in.
I knew she could act, but I didn't know Angela could do slut.
Yeah, and talking of doing sluts, I went down on a Guide leader the other night.
- She gave me a special badge.
- And we're back.
What was that, then? Vag badge? - Advanced cock knotting.
- Oh.
No.
No, no, you naughty No, you may not You may not smack my bare bottom, you It's absolutely Oh, dear.
You've caught us.
We thought you were away.
While the cat's away, we thought we mice would have a play.
Yeah, not in the mood, Alan.
Possibly the worst day of my life.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh.
- It's Quim, uh, Kim, isn't it? - Yeah.
Kim.
Kim, Kim, Kim.
Tell you what, if you and I were related, you would be my kith and Kim.
Yes, you see.
I don't suppose they'd let us have a kith, would - Are you trying to be funny? - Hm.
Yes, well Careful, because when the rapier of my wit is fully unsheathed, I can make a woman laugh until she fills her shoes with piddle.
You don't say.
(mutters ) So I've got it.
I've got it.
There it is.
That's fine.
- Can I help you? - Well, no, you know, nothing.
Just, um, enjoying the you the view view of you, not, um Do you want a closer look? Well, yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Oh, dear.
I think we're probably married now.
I just said, ' I do' .
Well, seeing as we're married, perhaps we should have a kiss.
Do you think? Kiss kiss me so she sees.
- OK.
Are you ready? - Oh, my God! - Close your eyes.
- Wait! Joanna, look.
We're doing kissing.
Mm.
No.
What's No, don't.
- What's going on? - She's - He tried to have me on my desk.
- Is it true? - She stapled me.
- Did you try to have her on this desk? No, why would I have her on the why try No.
- All right.
- Get out, Alan.
Come on.
Don't come back or I'll prosecute.
Plenty more ties like this Yes, what do you want, freak? I was just about to watch a really hot video.
- Oh, look, I haven't got time for games.
- Funny.
You did when you filmed this.
(French accent) Monsieur, you must be more careful with your camcorder tapes.
- Not exactly a pair of lookers.
- How did you get that tape? How? How, how, how, how, how, how? How do you solve a problem like Maria? Listen to me, OK? - If anyone else sees that tape, I'll - You'll what? - I'll kill you.
- Really? - I'll shoot your pointy face off.
- That's highly unlikely.
I could, however, be persuaded to postpone distribution.
- Well, what do you want? - Two things.
Firstly, secret of fire.
And? Let's keep the Trodd from entangling herself in the lion's mane.
Set the lion free, free.
Right.
You want me to get an actual lion No, I want you to keep Dr Macartney away from Dr Caroline.
I know! I'm playing your game.
It's such an easy game to play.
' Oh, look at me.
I'm mad and I'm Scotch.
' - You weren't there then.
- Yeah.
Deep-fry yourself.
Half Swiss beats mad Scotch any day of the week.
Right, listen to me.
Do anything.
Marry her if you have to.
I was thinking of marrying her at some point.
Dream on.
Just keep them apart, would you? Or this starts doing the perv circuit.
Oh, shitting Jesus! Just do it.
I must rest.
Do my bidding.
- You take that back, Mr Boyce.
- No.
- I insist that you take it back.
- No.
- Take it back, please.
- No.
- You take it back.
- No.
- You take it back.
- No.
Take it back, take it back, take it back, take it back, take it back All right! You're not a pedant.
- Properly.
- I'm sorry.
You're not a pedant.
- Bloody.
You said bloody.
- You're not a bloody pedant.
Good.
Thank you.
Now, then.
Where were we? Well, ten minutes ago it was one minute past 12 and I made the heinous - Heinous.
- .
.
heinous error of saying good morning.
The rest is history.
Well, Mr Boyce, where would history be without its great sticklers for detail? Would Louis Pasteur have said, ' Good morning' if it was clearly the afternoon? - I think he would have said, ' Bonjour' .
- No.
Forgive me.
He would have said, if it was a minute past midday, ' Bon après-midà .
I don't think he would have said anything to you, let alone given you the time of day.
- That is disrespectful.
Take that back now.
- No.
All right, well, I've got all day.
Right, everybody leave.
Go on.
Right, see you in five minutes, yeah? Not you, Mr Boyce.
You stay here until you take it back.
- I'm not going to take it back.
- (mumbles ) I'm glad You should have learnt your lesson.
Hm? I've got things to do.
You, stop.
Where are you going? - You said stick with you until I take it back.
- I didn't mean follow me around.
- So, take it back.
- All right.
I take it back.
You take it back.
- No.
- In that case, I take back my take back.
So, does that mean I do have to stay with you? No, no.
- So take it back.
- No, I won't.
Oh, dear.
Shall we open up another one of those, uh, thingumajigs? Wait.
I know this one.
Is it, um, body? Body? Body.
Body.
Body.
Well, I think we'll soon have one of those through here - Good, good, good.
- .
.
in the - Cinema? - .
.
theatre.
Theatre, right.
Doh.
Huh.
- What? - What? Oh, it's just a bit weird.
- What? - What, the Oh, just seeing you be nice to her, you know.
You know, the ' sarcastic witch' .
Your words.
Not mine.
You probably won't remember.
No, I'd never say anything like that.
Well, normally you wouldn't, no, but you really hated her.
- Why would I hate her? - Beats me.
I got on well with her, but Well, actually, she did use to criticise you a lot.
All the time, actually.
She used to call you clumsy in theatre, arrogant, emotionally sterile.
No, I'm not clumsy in theatre.
No, you're not.
That's the whole point.
She'd call you arrogant and emotionally sterile in social situations.
She said you were a bike-obsessed, fop-haired git, which is - Really? Really? - Yeah.
It's all right, though.
It's no big deal, is it? - We have to work together.
- You'll be fine.
- She seems civil enough now.
- Yeah, yeah.
Doesn't she? That's because she's putting on a really good front.
It's probably because you've been unwell, but that was what was making me laugh.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway, yeah.
Right.
That was nice.
Gentle, but firm.
Yeah.
Um Uh, what I wanted to say was - Yeah? - Um Doof! Why don't me and you have an open relationship? You mean see other people? Yeah.
But I don't want to see other people.
Do you want to see other people? Me? Um Uh, I've not really thought about it, to be honest, but, yeah, if you want.
How often would we see each other? I don't know, maybe once every year.
- What? - Well, ten months, then.
Once every ten I mean, it's just It's fluid, you know? That's the point.
- So what do you think? - I'm going to say no.
Yeah, but it could be once every two days.
It would depend on circumstances, yeah? I mean, think about it and get back to me.
Oh, love you.
I've decided you can leave.
You don't have to take it back.
No.
I'm not leaving until I take it back.
Everything's back.
I release you from all future take-backs.
- It's not and you can't.
- I can.
You can't be here.
- I can and I will.
- You shan't.
- Could.
- You wouldn't.
- I wod.
- You wodn't.
- I nod.
- You nodn't.
- I did do.
- You didn't do.
Now look away, I'm - You peed.
You ped.
- I peedn't! I pedn't! - You pedant! - No, I You pedant.
- No.
Take it back.
- No, you take it back.
- No, take it back.
- You take it back.
No, don't you No! - Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I, um - This is difficult.
- Really? Yeah.
I just wanted to say that I know that there was maybe something going on between us before the accident.
- You know? - Yeah.
Well, I know that I behaved in a certain way and you behaved in a certain way.
I think that maybe there was like a misunderstanding.
- A misunderstanding? - Yeah, maybe we got our wires crossed.
I'm sorry.
It was probably my well, it was definitely my fault.
Basically what I'm saying is it shouldn't have happened.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, absolutely, yeah, yeah.
I thought maybe we could start again with a clean slate, put all that shit behind us.
What do you think? If you say so.
Great.
Cool.
Penny for your thoughts? Yeah, yeah.
I used to box.
I used to box in the navy, yeah.
Ow! What the hell were you thinking of? Making a bloody tape! Yeah, all right, good point, but I needed proof for a bet.
Bet? What bet? You had a bet? Let me finish.
For a bet-ter way of improving my technique.
I do it with my golf swing as well.
I video that.
To check the stance and the grip and the position of the shaft on impact.
See where you're going wrong.
- You're sicker than I thought.
- Yeah.
And how did that evil Scottish harpy get her talons on it? Frankly, this is the disgusting bit - I gave it to a priest, and the bastard seems to have fucked me over.
You gave it to a priest? I was pissed at the time.
Confessing seemed like a good idea.
You don't expect to get shat on by the clergy, do you? - This is a nightmare.
- Yeah.
I'm going to be her gimp for the rest of eternity.
(phone rings ) (phone stops ) (phone rings ) (phone stops ) (phone rings ) (phone stops ) Having trouble making her look real? What is she doing working in a hospital? Working? Not since you've been here.
- Wasted.
- What? She is completely wasted.
I think she had a couple of vodkas this morning.
I mean, she just ticks every box.
Face: yes.
Voice: yes.
Body: yes.
It's almost unheard of, isn't it, having all three.
- Hello.
- Hiya.
Guess what? Patrick's going to Toronto.
- Bye.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Next week.
To make a part-improvised doc-rom-com.
He wants me to go with him, the madman.
It is not mad.
It is about the sanest thing I've ever done in my life.
- That is worrying.
Do they let you drive? - The crystals are aligning for me right now.
We're almost there with the funding and now this angel has just fallen into my lap.
- Sometimes you just get a gut reaction.
- I'm getting a strong one as we speak.
Toronto sounds so exciting.
Just part of me thinks I should just bloody go! Well, you can't miss out on a doc-rom-com-pompom.
- No.
No pompoms.
- Are you sure? Maybe you play a cheerleader.
- That's a good idea.
- Or a poncho.
I know she's sworn us to secrecy, but I've got to tell you.
You and Caroline before the accident, you know.
- What? We took cocaine together? - No, no, no, no.
Big buddies, yeah.
Interesting, in that I just heard a slightly different story from Guy.
- Who do you trust more? Me or Guy? - It's a tricky one.
- Well, I'd swear on my penis.
- Hm, then I would be forced to believe you.
Plus, of course, if I ask you, who would you trust more? Guy or anyone else in the world? It's not going to be Guy.
- I didn't even need the penis thing.
- Not really.
See ya.
Oh, here we go.
Coming up to the big 500.
490.
One, two, three, four Whoa! Ah, now you've dropped the rope.
Shit! - What did you do that for? You ruined it! - Sorry, sorry.
You know what I've done? I have thrown a spanner in the works.
Why would anyone want to do that? Shit.
I'd better go and ask my old friend Caroline Todd, cos apparently, apparently, we used to get on really well.
- Yeah, I can explain about that.
- Leave it.
Leave it.
This is ridiculous.
You find something you can't have, so you have to destroy it.
- But that isn't it.
- Save it.
Save it.
- Jealousy does terrible things.
- It's not jealousy.
- What was it, then? - Well - What was it? - I can't say.
- Ah! Finally run out of excuses.
- No, no.
All right.
I was blackmailed into it.
Brilliant.
There's one left right down at the bottom of the dirty, mucky little barrel.
Blackmail? Yeah, love it.
Brilliant.
I was! You Kim, get me Sue White's file and look for dirt.
Anything.
Arson, abuse, pilfering, embezzlement.
- (phone rings ) - Yeah? And I want a chandelier.
- A chandelier.
- (Sue) A motorised one.
Oh, don't be rid I'll see what I can do.
I shall drive it through the hospital waving at people.
Are you sure you mean a chandelier? Parp, parp.
Wave.
Right.
What have we got? Anything? - Oh, wait.
There's a complaints file.
- I knew it.
(both ) Argh! Damn, she's good.
Parp, parp, parp.
Wave, wave, wave, wave.
Parp, parp, parp.
Honk, honk.
- What's that? - It's a card.
Ah.
What's the occasion? Um, nothing, you know.
Just me getting out of the lift, I suppose.
- So can I have it now? - No, not yet.
Not yet.
- No, because I'll give it to you - (lift bell rings ) .
.
now.
Oh, yeah.
It jams sometimes.
No, don't open it yet.
Hello.
Can I get some help, please? We're stuck in the lift.
Please.
Quickly! - Can I have the card? - No, not yet.
- Go on.
I want to open it.
- It's best if you open it later.
No.
You'll spoil it.
- Give me the card! - There you go.
Ah, a sad little puppy face.
' So sorry you're leaving.
' Sorry I'm leaving? (groans ) Oh, my stomach.
Argh! ' Dear Karen, I do really like you, but I think we should stop seeing each other.
' Oh, my God.
I've got cancer.
That's what it is.
Argh.
' Completely.
No offence.
Yours sorrowfully, Martin.
Kiss.
' - That is bizarre.
Do you know what? - What? Somebody has Tipp-Exed out my original message, OK, and written their own message in there, forged my writing.
What I mean, why would somebody do that? It's just evil! - That's probably Guy, just - (lift bell rings ) What's that? - All right? - Fine.
And you? Yeah, good.
I wanted to say to you, please ignore what I said earlier about us wiping the slate clean.
- Apparently it was never dirty.
- Wasn't it? No.
No, sadly a rogue anaesthetist persuaded me that we were sworn enemies in a previous life.
I now believe that to be a fabrication.
Oh, it is.
It is.
Yeah, yeah, a complete fabrication.
Good.
That's good.
Cool.
(sobs ) Ow! Bloody ow! Ow! You've got the weirdest foreplay of any woman I know.
I have got a bone to pick with you, Dr Secretan, - I don't do surgery.
I just knock 'em out.
- .
.
about you lying to Mac.
Me? Lie? Oh, it's his funny brain, isn't it? He's probably forgotten what I said.
- He remembers what you said, Guy.
- Maybe you've forgotten what he said.
- No, no.
I have an excellent memory.
- They're both quite good.
- What? - Oh, I thought you said mammary.
- Excellent memory.
- Gotcha.
You're like an elephant.
You're really winning me round now.
Not in a bad way.
You're not big, fat and grey.
Don't say she's not big, fat and grey.
She'll lower her standards.
It's Marvo the Memory Man.
We were just talking about elephants.
Have you seen the size of his ears? That's why he has long, girlie hair.
You're the one with the big nose that you keep sticking into other people's business.
With your donkey face, long trunk and hairy-caterpillar eyebrow.
All right, all right! Do I go round saying you look like a Harrier jump jet? - I don't know.
Do you? - I don't know.
Do I? Memory like a sieve.
- It's the drink.
- I can handle my drink.
Oh, yes.
This from a man who thought Martin was a priest.
Excuse me? You mistook Martin for a priest.
Excuse me? OK.
You staggered up to me, you went, ' Oh, I've just met a really nice priest' , you pointed at Martin, you fell over.
Excuse me.
( door shuts ) Aha.
Dr Angela Hunter.
Hunter by name, Angela by nature.
- I have a hypothetical question.
- I have a hole punch.
So let's not get bigheaded.
What would happen if a paediatric registrar were to resign? Well, he, she, or indeed it, would have to serve a minimum eight weeks' notice, unless otherwise stated in their contract.
- Any way of bringing that time down a bit? - To how long? Just over three hours.
Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree, hm? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question.
The others were rhetorical.
This is a chance of a lifetime.
If it doesn't happen now, it may never happen! - Are we still on the rim thing? - No! My career change.
So are you going to be able to help me, or should I go straight to Joanna? Well, I think you'll find Joanna is currently my bitch.
I am top dog, so to speak.
But as it happens, I may, may, may be able to facilitate an early release.
- Really? - Yes.
But I would, however, have to ask you to inform Dr Macartney of Dr Todd's tragic hereditary disease.
You know me.
There are certain times when I have absolutely no scruples whatsoever.
I can't believe you're just letting her It's just Look, can't you How did you get in? Angela can't go, just like that.
Alas, she has gone to a better place.
It's telly.
She hasn't died.
Not died.
I know you're busy.
We're all busy, and arguably I am busier than any.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that, comparatively, on the scale of busy-ness importance, consultant: hm, director: er.
Nevertheless, despite my busy-ness, I have managed to pen for you a rather amusing medical ditty as follows - A is for appendectomy, B is for barium - No.
I knew you would say Right.
Bird songs of Northern Europe.
The corncrake (twitters ) Go away.
(sighs ) - Yep, it's a terrible thing.
- Hm, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If I find out who told Sue White about that tape Yeah, I know.
It's a mystery.
We should sleep on it.
I just think Two people knew about it.
Me.
The priest.
I'm the victim, so that rules me out.
Ah, yes, but does it? Yes, it does.
No, because on Miss Marple you wouldn't be ruled out.
- It's always the one you least suspect.
- Forget Miss Marple.
- No, because she's a very talented detective.
- She looks like a scrotum in a hat! There are many strings to my bow.
The final string I offer you is this: shadow puppetry.
Wolf! See? Very eff with the light and everything.
Well, all right.
What's this? - It's your hand.
- Bloody ignorant Irish ponce! Fuck off! - I think he's gone.
- Would would that you had were.
No.
I think we need to concentrate on finding the identity of the priest.
Oh, no.
Forget the priest.
The priest is going to be gone, out of the country.
Not necessarily.
I'd remember that face anywhere.
- Really? - Yeah.
What was his name, now? Father Martin O'Dear.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, dear.
What? So you think I'm the priest? You think I'd betray you? I'm sorry it's come to this, Martin.
We're friends and we're family.
- I wish things could've been different.
- They could.
No, they can't.
This hurts me.
- It's gonna hurts me too, isn't it? - Yeah.
Fly! You little Scotch midge.
Go on, swivel.
(phone rings ) Hello? Is my passport ready? - Do you want to sign Angela's leaving card? - Do I have to? You're the only one who hasn't, so she'll probably notice.
- I haven't got time.
- It's only going to take a minute.
No, it'll take at least half an hour.
It always does.
Yeah? Why? Because I have to write the wittiest thing on the whole card, OK? I see.
Too late.
I've already done that.
- Here.
- Oh, you have.
Oh, that's not fair.
You can't get wittier than that.
- I know.
- Well, can I put that too? I'm not sure it works if you put the same thing twice.
Damn you.
I could Tipp-Ex out ' Mac' and put ' Caroline' .
- I'd have to think of something else.
- Don't care.
OK, how about putting an arrow that says: ' I told Mac to say this because he couldn't think of anything better.
' - I love you.
- I love you too.
Uh, no.
I mean, you know, I-I love you for helping me with that really good suggestion.
- I know what you meant, yeah.
- Good, good.
(Martin ) Hiya, Mac.
OK.
That is the worst ' going to the toilet' I've ever seen.
Yeah, Guy said that he was going to phone the gays.
- Which gays? - Well, all of them.
The thing about the gays is they're probably more scared of you than you are of them.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Cheers.
Yeah, that does make me feel slightly better.
- Shall I cut you down? - Yeah, if you could.
Then I can get that tape back off Sue White.
- What tape? - The, you know, the tape that Oh, shit! I've done it again.
You have got a rubbish vagina.
And your cock is as thin and pointy as a pencil.
(Statham ) Ow! Bye-bye, doggy dick! (Statham ) Ow! Oh, Dr Macartney, now, this is a late visit.
Yeah, yeah.
It's about a tape.
A haaandbaaag? No, no, a tape.
I know.
I've just always wanted to say that.
Sue White, I need the tape of Guy and Joanna.
No.
Oh, Dr Macartney, there are so many things I would give you, though.
- Yeah.
Shall we just start with the tape? - But why, oh, why? I'm going to give it back to them and they're going to destroy it.
- But - You can do this Sue.
You can do this.
Just show me, show me, show me that you have a heart.
- Oh, I admire your power.
- Yeah.
Ah, now.
Aha! My opinion regarding your nether regions still obtains.
You-you have magical powers.
You do.
You are a Yes? Yes? A queen, crazy crazy with power, but you have a heart.
Set them free.
Set them free.
It's in my pants.
I want what's in your pants.
Ah! No.
Excuse me.
Who is that? Just someone.
I'm going to let him buy me a drink.
- You can't.
- I can.
You dumped me.
I can do what I like.
But I didn't realise other people would be interested.
It came as a bit of a shock to me, actually.
Well, you're undumped.
Oh, that's romantic.
- Aren't you going to say something to him? - Yes.
Um, excuse me.
Set meal C for two, for one, please.
- For one? - Yes, for one.
Just me, alone, nobody else.
Obviously if she were here, she'd probably have pork balls, but, no, not any more.
She'd probably rather be having dirty sex with her own son again.
Bye.
- So, Caroline, this is it, our fond farewell.
- Yep, well, I'm happy for you.
Are you? How mature of you.
I thought you'd be seething with jealousy.
But, no, thanks.
We must finally be true friends.
You must really like me.
No, you're right.
I hate your success, I hate your wiggle and I hate your flicky hair.
- Now you're just saying that.
- No, I mean it.
I know.
You're the perfect girlfriend.
Easy, easy.
- See you.
- See you.
Take it easy.
Oh, God.
It already feels a bit weird now she's gone.
I feel very emotional.
I feel a bit a bit sad.
- I just want a hug.
- No.
Give us a hug? - Give us a hug? Please.
Hug? - No.
No? (groans and sighs ) Tired.
Very tired.
I've been, uh I've been in front of the camera all day.
- Right.
- Yes, I've been filming.
Probably, yes.
We wrapped.
I have to say, the director - bit of a tit.
A bit of an oafish, Irish-bog person.
I had a song prepared and he wasn't prepared he wasn't prepared, because he was, ' Oh, no.
Oh, no, we haven't got time for the song.
' I beg your pardon? What is the song, you ask? I think your food's almost ready.
A is for appendectomy B is for barium C is for cystitis, defibrillate is for D That's how it goes.
E is for echocardiography.
It's quite complex, isn't it? F is for fucking director.
G is for gobshites.
He he-he is a bastard is H.
I is bloody pissed off! J is for jiggly jugs and K is for kicking arse.
And lady lips is L.
And M is mmm N is nnn And O Ohh! Penis is for P.
Q is for queer.
No! I'm not queer.
Not me, no.
R is for rectum.
S is for shits and slits and and tiny tits is T.
And U is a bastard.
And V is for vagina.
And V, W, X W is for wanky wank and Y-fronts is for Y.
And x-ray is for and Z No, don't don't push.
No, A is an arsehole, B is a bastard.
And C is for Oh, cock off! Go away.
Shoo! Stop.
Just hold That should not have been erotic.
Ach, well.
Two more minutes.
A haaandbaaag?