Growing Pains s02e03 Episode Script

"You can be sure the wok is at the correct temperature by sprinkling water on the surface, droplet should dance before evaporating.
" Yes, ballet or rumba? [SIZZLING.]
Perfecto.
Dad, look.
We got a deal for you.
-If you'll just order a pizza, we'll pay for it.
-Two toppings.
Are you saying you have no faith in your old dad's ability to cook a simple Chinese dinner? Yep.
-Hi, honey.
Hi, guys.
BEN AND MIKE: Hi, Mom.
-What's burning? -Me.
If anyone says one more thing about my cooking I may forget the whole thing.
-Hey, Dad-- -No one's going to say a word.
-What are we having? -Hacked beef.
Yum.
Sorry I'm late.
I was over at Annie's.
Oh, your new friend? Oh, Carol, I don't remember that sweater.
Oh, no, it's not mine.
It's Annie's, she loaned it to me.
Oh, no, call the nerd police.
She's out of uniform again.
Mike.
Are you wearing makeup? Just a little base, powder, blush, lipstick, mascara and eyeliner.
-Annie's? -Yeah.
She says with the right color and shading I have a beautiful face.
Hey, you know, she's right.
Mike, shut up.
You don't see me making fun of your friends.
Even the ones that drool.
You guys will be less hostile after some crispy fried duck lips.
I'm just glad I won't be around here with him tonight.
Oh? Yeah, Annie and I are going out, if that's okay.
Carol, usually we know your friends before you go out with them.
What's to know? She's a cheerleader.
She's on the drama club, very funny and very popular.
So, what's she hanging around with you for? -Mike.
-Hey, I didn't say it, he did.
Sorry, it sounded like you.
So is it okay? Where will you be going? Shopping for earrings since I just got my ears pierced.
Oh.
So is it okay? Sure, just be careful walking after dark.
Oh, don't worry, we won't be walking.
Annie drives.
[CHUCKLES.]
Annie drives.
I heard.
Hey, do you think she could pick up some burgers for us on the way over? I was going to take Carol to get her ears pierced.
At least one ear.
Well, honey, if it makes you feel any better, you can take me to get my ears pierced.
I'm serious, Jason.
Well, what I'm hearing is that I think you're a little bothered by the fact that Carol is making a friend who has some real influence on her.
Oh.
How wrong you are, doctor.
I want Carol to have plenty of friends.
I just wish she'd pick someone who wasn't a slut.
Come on, Maggie, you haven't even met the little tramp.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're defending a girl who makes our daughter up to look like Prince? Prince is very popular.
I know, I know.
I'm just worried about her, that's all.
I mean, Carol’s never had a friend who was so social.
Well, Carol’s also at the age where she's going to rebel a little.
And that may include picking some friends her parents don't always approve of.
Think how the parents of Mike's friends must feel.
-Mom, Dad, I'll see you in the morning.
-Okay.
[IN UNISON.]
Morning? Whoa.
-Hold it, Mike.
-Where are you going? Boner called, his parents don't want him home alone tonight -I'm gonna spend the night at his place.
-You're babysitting Boner? Hey, somebody's got to.
Shouldn't you tell us these things first? That's what I just did, Mom.
No, no.
That's not how it works.
Are you guys actually saying I can't go? Very good.
Dad? Mom, can you talk to him? You know the rules, Mike.
You have to ask in advance.
Please, oh, please, can I go to Boner's house? Maybe staying home tonight will teach you how and when to ask for something.
I don't-- You guys have gone too far this time.
You know what I'm gonna do? All right, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna stay like this until you let me go to Boner's house.
How do you like that? Well, maybe all that blood rushing to your brain will do it some good.
What didn't they let you do this time? Spend the night at Boner's.
I can't believe this, Annie Boyer is coming to my house and my stupid brother is sitting on his head.
Yeah, and I'm gonna stay just like this.
Mom, Mom.
What? What is it? -It's him.
-I'm not doing a thing, Mom.
I don't know, maybe it's time we wallpaper Carol’s room in rubber.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call Boner and break my best friend's heart.
Why does he have to be related to me? Why can't I have a normal brother who's not a total embarrassment? Hey, that's what I'm here for.
Boner, look, I'm sorry.
I just can't make it, all right? My family needs me.
Yeah, all right, let me ask.
Hey, Dad? You're busy.
Yeah, Bone, should be fine.
I'll call you if it's a hassle.
Okay, bye.
-Hmm.
These are good, you want one? -No, thanks.
-Dad, about tonight, I'd really-- -Yeah, about tonight.
Look, would you please do me a favor and try not to tease your sister tonight, okay? -Carol? -Yeah, that sister.
She's got a new friend.
So try to be a little sensitive, okay? Hey, Dad, guys are supposed to be tough, not sensitive.
Oh, really? Well, then explain Alan Alda.
I can't.
Let me let you in on a little secret, Mike.
Women go crazy for sensitive guys.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Yeah, you remember those classic movies I bought and I forced you to watch? -Yeah.
-Remember Casablanca? Yeah, with that old guy with the lisp? Bogie.
Yes.
Well, do you remember how Carol and your mom cried at the end? Yeah.
They cried, as all women do, not because Bogie's a tough guy, which he was but because he was also sensitive.
-Sensitive, huh? -Mm-hm.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Needs work.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.
See you later.
-Carol, wait.
CAROL: Hi, Annie.
Annie, this is my mom.
Mom, this is Annie.
Nice to meet you, Annie.
-Jason.
-Thanks, you too.
And this is my little brother, Ben.
Did you bring more clothes for Carol? -Ben.
-It's okay.
-I have a little brother too.
-And this is my father.
-Hi, Annie.
ANNIE: Hi.
Well, it's nice to meet the artist who painted Carol’s face.
-Dad.
-It's okay, I have a father too.
[MIKE CLEARS THROAT.]
-Oh, and that's Mike.
-Hi.
See you later, Mike.
Oh, right.
Yeah, I have to go out and change.
I was just in the garage fixing the Porsche.
Heh-heh.
Mike, we don't have a Porsche.
Right, Porsche, Ferrari.
Who can keep them straight? Come, I brought a couple of hot sweaters I want you to try on.
Oh, great.
So you guys can just hang around here tonight.
Mom.
This one makes you look so sexy.
Really? -What do you wanna do tonight? -I thought we were going to the mall.
-We did that this afternoon.
-We could see something at the Sixplex.
-Anything you wanna see? -No.
I've seen them all.
-Me too.
-Where else? -I don't know.
-I don't know either.
-We don't have to go out.
-You mean, stay here? -We could.
-For the night? -Hey, that would be fun.
-Yeah.
Ha-ha.
Carol’s gonna have her own friends we shouldn't worry unless there's something to worry about.
You sound so smart when you agree with me.
Don't push your luck.
-Sweet and sour shrimp? -Oh, let me.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's good.
Oh, this can't be.
I followed that recipe to the letter.
I had water dancing like Baryshnikov here.
Honey, I think you used salt instead of sugar.
Oh, that's impossible.
Oh, it's okay.
I mean, it could happen to anybody.
I mean, it looks exactly alike.
It's an easy mistake.
So you've done it too, huh? You've got to be kidding.
[LAUGHS.]
-This color would look good on you.
-Not as good as it looks on you.
-Not true.
-Let's face it.
All these look better on you.
Carol, your father and I are getting Chinese takeout from Wok-Around-The-Clock.
-I thought Dad was-- -He was.
-Would you set the table for me, please? -Sure.
Are you sure you don't mind hanging out here? No.
-Ladies.
-Hi.
What do you want? Not a thing.
I was just out for a fresh of breath air.
-Vicious sweater, Annie.
-Thanks.
It's nice to have a boy's point of view.
Yeah, well, that's me.
Heh-heh.
All boy.
Some might even say a man.
Some might even say a sensitive man.
Some might even say I'm going to puke on my shoes.
I like your outfit too.
Ha-ha.
This? Yeah, well Don Johnson sends me these test clothes every month for my approval.
I guess I'll give these a thumbs up.
Mike? There's something hanging from your nose.
Carol, I get the distinct feeling that you want me to leave.
Now, if you do, just say the word and I'm gone.
I want you to know you don't have to be nice to Mike just because he's my brother.
-Okay.
-I gotta go set the table.
-I'm gonna change, I'll be right down.
-Okay.
Shari, guess where I am.
The Seavers.
Yes, Mike's here.
Yeah, I think he likes me.
Well, he changed his clothes and combed his hair.
No, Carol doesn't suspect a thing.
JASON: Come on, Maggie.
-I'll be there in a minute.
[HORN HONKS.]
Mike, Mike, Mike, I was wrong.
You should spend the night at Boner's.
And leave now.
How am I ever going to learn that darn lesson if I don't stay here tonight? Well, I don't want you learning any more this evening.
I think you should go.
Go and babysit your friend.
Yeah, but, M-- -Oh, thanks, Mrs.
Seaver.
-Boner.
-Yo, Mikey.
-Bone.
-What are you doing here? -My folks didn't want me to be alone so I asked Mikey here if I could stay over.
He didn't ask? -No, he didn't.
-No, no, I didn't ask.
And we all know what that means.
No asking, no getting.
I'm only gonna learn the hard way.
Boner, my friend, you'll have to go.
Oh, no.
But we're all human, Mike.
We all forget things.
I mean, why should your innocent friend suffer on account of silly me? -Hey, that's okay, Boner's tough.
-No, I'm not.
Mike, I insist.
Boner, please stay and enjoy the Seaver hospitality.
Watch TV, play games.
Keep each other busy.
-Maggie, what's holding--? -Let's go, Jason.
We don't have all night.
So I was crying and my dad said, "What's wrong?" -I was too embarrassed to tell him.
-Well, what was it? Something on TV.
I don't wanna tell you.
-You'll think I'm a ditz.
-No, I won't.
-You promise you won't laugh? -I promise.
Okay.
It was one of those long-distance commercials.
Are you kidding? They make me cry too.
-Are you kidding me? Which one? -The father and the son.
That's the one I was crying about.
I felt so stupid.
And we have to tell Carol because she has to know.
We can't tell Carol, it would break her heart.
But if we know, she should know, yes or no, you know? Believe it or not, I do.
I was right about Annie all along, see? Oh, this is no time to talk about who's right or wrong.
Why do you only say that when I'm right? After we pick up dinner, we'll come back, we'll warn Mike about Annie.
Maybe we'll have figured out a way to tell Carol.
-We can't go now.
-It's a minute there, a minute back.
Nothing will happen, especially with Boner there.
[SIGHS.]
Mikey, come on, let me in.
If you're really my friend, you'll spend the night at Eddie's.
Eddie's got a date tonight.
Come on, Mikey, at least let me in to get my sleeping bag.
All right, all right, but just for a second.
This is so you can make the moves on that chick? Of course not.
You know, Mike, this is totally uncool.
She's your sister's friend and-- Oh, wow.
-You were saying? -Mike, is Boner staying for dinner? No, he's leaving right now to go spend the night at Eddie's house.
Sure you can't get out of it? Eddie gets disappointed.
But thanks for stopping over and I'll see you in school Monday.
Carol, go ahead and try on the peach blouse I brought.
-I forgot the chopsticks.
-Okay.
-Call us when Mom and Dad get back.
-Yeah, sure, fine, no problem.
These are the good chopsticks? Uh.
Best we have.
Heh-heh-heh.
Annie, that blue thing you have on there, that's nice, what do you call it? A sweater.
Oh, good.
Yeah, that's catchy.
I'm not sure this one goes with my earrings, though.
-Earrings? -Here.
Tell me what you think.
Uh.
Yeah, yeah, those are earrings all right.
But do they go with my sweater? Oh, oh, definitely.
Are you sure? Uh.
Well, just to be sure let me double check.
Wow.
I was hoping this night would end up like this.
-Yeah, but Carol might come back.
-Forget Carol.
I like your style.
-Annie.
-Carol.
Hey, Carol? -Oh, Mike, good, we have to talk.
-Yeah.
Now, I know this is shocking but Annie is using Carol because she's interested in you.
No.
Yes, I heard her on the phone.
I wanted to warn you before anything happened.
Because something like this could devastate Carol.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah.
The best thing would be for me to go over to Boner's right now.
Great.
-See you, Dad.
-Where are you going? -Boner's house.
-What? -Mom's idea.
-Don't give me that.
Carol, open the door.
Please? CAROL [VOICE BREAKING.]
: No.
I'm never coming out, ever.
She's trying on a skirt she doesn't like.
Okay.
Carol, I'm sorry.
Go away.
Carol, Chinese food.
Chinese food.
Chinese food.
You expect me to eat Chinese food? Okay.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV.]
MAGGIE: Dinner will be on the table in a minute.
MAN [OVER TV.]
: Remember long distance -Oh.
when a friend really matters.
I gotta go talk to Carol.
Don't mention Chinese food.
I gotta go outside.
["LOONEY TUNES" THEME PLAYING OVER TV.]
I'm surrounded by loons.
-Hey, Boner.
-Mikey, I won't bother nobody.
I'll just stay right here.
Boner, I kissed Annie.
Oh, man, that's fantastic.
What are you, nuts? That's horrible.
But I thought that's what you were after.
Boner, hitting on your sister's best friend is totally uncool.
Where you been? -But I-- -Carol saw us and she ran upstairs crying.
Oh.
So how was it? -How was what? -Well, you know, the kiss.
Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell, Boner but just between you and me, it was pretty hot.
Wow.
Show me.
I was so stupid to think somebody like you would want to be my friend.
I am your friend.
Annie, I'm not stupid.
I have a 4.
0 grade average, I'm a member of the Chess Club and president of the Future Nuclear Physicists of America.
I know why you're here.
Okay, you're right.
But I really like you too, I swear.
I never told anybody about those long distance commercials before.
Carol, this is the worst thing I've ever done.
If you hate me forever, I don't blame you.
Fine.
I will.
-Just one question, though.
-What? Anything to make it up to you.
Why Mike? Well, he's cute.
Yuck! But he can't kiss worth doodly.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I am.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Somehow Carol must've found out what Annie was up to.
Well, we better get up there and check on them.
-That's what I've been saying all along.
-So you agree? -Of course I agree, I said it.
-This is no time to be claiming credit.
Oh.
[CAROL AND ANNIE GIGGLING.]
-Carol? -Sweetheart, are you okay? Oh, Jason, they're both hysterical.
Carol.
Annie.
I know, Dad.
Chinese food.
I told you there was no reason to come up here.
I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Is it my fault that women find me irresistible? It's a curse.
Now, what would that sensitive guy with the lisp say? I guess he'd say, "I'm sorry.
" I got it.
Hey, Carol, Annie, can I talk to you both for a minute? -Mm-hm.
-Yeah.
All right, a great many things have happened to us tonight and I know that I have to do the thinking for all of us.
What is it, Mike? All right, look.
I'm no good at being noble, Carol.
But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans.
Yeah.
Now, you guys must remember this.
A kiss is just a kiss.
Mike, is this gonna take long? All right, the point is Annie, I'm sorry, but it can never be for us.
And, Carol, I'm really sorry that I kissed Annie.
-Forget about it, Mike.
-Yeah, it was nothing.
It was nothing? Forget about it? Hey, what about the tears? The heartbreak? Hey, what about my kiss? What about Alan Alda? Here's looking at you, kid.
That guy with the lisp is good.
Would you look at that? She's crying.
I don't get it.
What was I doing wrong? Play it again, Ben.