Hacks (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

Sorry, what what did you say? - I didn't say anything.
- Oh, thought you did.
So what what's up? Is this a two-bedroom? 'Cause I can list it as a two-bedroom if there's a closet in the storage area.
- Is that my condo? - For now.
Depends on how good your lawyer is.
I can't really afford one.
My best option's Jimmy's cousin who works in environmental law and said she'd help me if I get coffee with her son who wants to "get into comedy," which is worth is worth it.
Ah, there she is.
Wow.
Gorgeous.
- Hi, Deborah.
- I am so sorry that we are late.
We had to stop at an outlet mall because someone uh, thought that you could sleep on jersey sheets.
You must be the tour manager.
- Yep.
Name's Alice.
- Everybody calls me "Weed.
" I know what you're thinking, but I don't touch the stuff.
That's a nickname Pete Wentz gave me.
And once Pete gives you a nickname, it it sticks.
I don't know, it sounds like it sticks 'cause that's how you introduce yourself.
You security? No, this is Ava, the defendant.
Oh, she's suing me.
- I think as a bit.
- It's not a bit.
Not my business.
Number one rule: Weed stays outta the drama.
All right, we're supposed to be on the road 0700 hours.
We're already 30 behind schedule, but I know Phil's gonna make that up for us.
Best driver in the biz.
And Danny here's gonna get your car back to Vegas.
You'll sit on a towel? Yes, ma'am.
- Load it up! - Jesus.
Here we are, huh? Oh! Welcome to paradise.
Very nice Pete and I used to play dice right here.
You know him? Now, he's fucking funny.
Woman's obsessed with Pete Wentz.
The customizations went great, and we got the soda machine.
- Oh, Damien, you did good.
- Yep.
Got a lotta snacks.
- We got tons of booze! - Oh, that's awesome, but actually I won't be having any of that stuff.
I'm doing no drugs, alcohol, junk food, screen time trying to be good, you know, make a big change in my life, so Yeah.
I don't know what you were like before, so that's not really gonna register for me.
Here's the pisser.
Oh, which reminds me the number one rule on the bus.
No number two.
- I don't know.
- I heard the number one rule is "Weed doesn't get involved in the drama.
" Oh, there you go.
Say it louder for the folks up front.
Here's your bunk, kid.
Oh, uh - Sorry, this is where I sleep? - Yeah.
It's, uh, it's tight.
Less of a bed.
More of a sliver.
You don't sleep on your side, do you? 'Cause that's probably not gonna work dimension wise.
It's not the Ramada, but you got your privacy.
Sorry, um, I wanna be a team player here, but, I mean, why is it so small because of this tanning bed? It's not a tanning bed.
That's my regenerative LED light therapy bed.
Okay.
And where do you sleep? Me, I'm up in the passenger seat.
I'm an upright sleeper.
- Isn't that uncomfortable? - No way.
After 30 years on the road, that's the only way I can sleep.
At home, the only thing you'll find in my bedroom is a La-Z-Boy.
I'm gonna outlive all of you.
Horizontal sleeping is terrible for you.
- Blood pools up it's poisonous.
- Huh.
Interesting that's not more widely known.
Yeah, well, that's the mattress industry for you.
You see, they're stuffing beds into boxes now, sending them through the mail? What's that about? Think it's just about people getting beds, but, hey, is there a place I can store my stuff? Yeah, you got a hook.
Right there.
- A hook? - Here's your room, Deb.
Holy shit! Yes, very nice.
Much better master bedroom than the last time I was on one of these things.
Oh, um, you actually shouldn't say "master bedroom" anymore 'cause the term is rooted in slavery.
Not your problem to solve.
Lunch 1300 hours! Let's go Phil! Can I get you something, Miss Loretta? Oh, no, I'm not hungry.
Come on, come shopping with us.
You can help me pick out a outfit for Edna's birthday celebration.
You never take my fashion advice.
Well, you don't really know that much about women's bodies, you know? Come on, it'll be fun.
- Mom.
- What? I know what you're doing, and you don't have to babysit me.
I'm fine it was practically a mutual breakup.
These are stale.
Honey have you even talked to Wilson at all? No, I blocked his number.
- Marcus.
- Marcus! Okay, don't say "Marcus" in unison to me.
Talking is not going to change anything.
He has a job.
I have a career.
- It's never going to work.
- Oh, okay.
Well, can, um, can I keep talking to him? No! Okay, I won't.
- But if Roman Reigns - Mm! Ever goes to the AEW, can I at least DM him? Sure, Mom.
If Roman Reigns gets to AEW, you can DM my ex-boyfriend.
Whoo! Okay.
- And thank you, baby.
- Mm-mm, girl, these spicy cashews is good.
- I-I'ma take these to go.
- Gimme one.
- Enjoy.
- Mm-mm.
You're on high blood pressure medicine.
Hurry up.
I got us eating for 30 no more, no less.
Butts in seats, axles moving at 14:00! - Got it! - We know! - Okay.
So that is the diner.
- I called ahead.
They do not have Nancy's organic cottage cheese.
But I'm going to go to that grocery store where they do have it, and the manager promised me that they will plate it for you.
Oh, fabulous, thank you, Damien.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm gonna run over to that cell phone store.
Could you grab me something to go, like whatever vegan option they have? You know, the veggie burgers at these places can really surprise you.
That's why I started taking Ape-Brain nootropix, and I'm thinking better, I'm pumping better, I'm feeling better.
- Hi.
- Oh, uh, Hi.
I'm, uh, I'm looking for a new phone.
Uh, so like an upgrade? Mmm, no.
Downgrade.
I just need a phone that doesn't have access to email, internet, social media just like a dumb phone, basically like a brick.
Okay, uh Ah.
So this is a really basic flip phone.
I got it as a buyback from a lady who got it for her husband who needed really big buttons 'cause of his dementia, but he just, d um, doesn't need it anymore.
I love it.
Crazy.
All right.
Where is she? I think she went to go get a new phone.
I don't know, I wasn't listening.
- The girl talks too slow.
- Oh, speaking of phones, I want everybody's phones collected at the show tonight.
I don't want anybody recording material that I'm still working out.
Show's nowhere near ready.
Yeah, the Faraday bags have not arrived yet, but it is Okay.
I have it all worked out.
- You're nine minutes late.
- We got a problem? You gonna be an issue for me? Oh, sorry, sorry.
I just I saw this water bottle, and I needed to get it.
All right, guys.
This tour schedule is one of the most ambitious I've ever seen, and it only works if we stick to the itinerary.
We got it? - Got it.
- Okay.
Can can - Okay.
Sorry.
- Jesus Christ.
Let's go, Phil.
Hmm.
Could I maybe take out one of your creams from the fridge just to store something temporarily? Absolutely not.
Okay, sorry.
Was just looking for a spot for my kombucha.
Kombucha doesn't need to be refrigerated.
It's made in a bathtub.
Well, actually, if it's not kept cold, it'll keep fermenting in the bottle and it can explode.
Oh God, fine here.
Give it to me.
Thanks.
Oh! Hm.
You were right, it did explode.
So I went from sitcom star to being the crazy lady who burned down her ex-husband's house.
But I didn't do it.
Yeah.
The only thing I've ever burned was a bridge with "Hollywood Squares" when they put me in the upper left.
Come on, you'd laugh if you knew how bad the upper left was it was next to Paul Lynde, and he had the worst pastrami bur Hello, Deborah.
We miss you.
And we wanted to tell you someone was a very brave boy about getting his anal glands expressed today.
The vet says no more spraying them with perfume anymore, unfortunately.
9:00 a.
m.
, QVC check in-call send an answer to Dr.
Scholls emails and you need to get pellet ice.
Damien, you're talking in your sleep again.
Shut up about Deborah's schedule.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Sirius XM! Stop! Oh Oh my god fuck What happened? Did we hit something? Deborah saw a yard sale.
Oh, oh, fuck.
Kidding me? You are kidding me.
Oh that's nice.
Isn't that fun? Yeah.
- Excuse me, is this yours? - Yeah, yeah.
Yes, what are you asking for it? - Uh, I can do 250.
- Huh.
250.
They don't know what they've got.
This worth 20 grand.
Um, there's kind of a sizable nick on this side and some scratches here.
Gonna have to refinish the whole thing.
Um, would you take 150? Come on.
Please? - Yeah Okay, sure.
- Thank you! How're you gonna get this thing on the bus? Watch the finials.
Watch the finials! This was an unscheduled stop.
Do not get in your heads that there will be unscheduled stops.
If you need to make an unscheduled stop, you have to schedule it with me first.
Okay, we get it.
Deborah, where're we going with this? Right right there.
Hold on that's right in front of my bunk.
Are you kidding me? I know.
You're gonna have to move it every time I want to use my LED bed.
You know, I'll think about storing it under the bus, but only after we get a furniture pad.
- Mmm.
- So it's good here? - Yes, thank you, Phil.
- You got it.
Okay.
What's going on? Why is she being meaner to you than usual? I was mad and I got drunk and high, and I sent a very revealing email about her, and how she's suing me for violating my NDA.
- Ugh - I know I shouldn't have.
No, I just hate it when she doesn't keep me looped into new lawsuits.
So, yeah.
Pretty much ruined everything, - and she hates me now.
- I don't get it.
I mean, why doesn't she just fire you? She loves firing people.
I don't know, I guess 'cause I'm her joke writer and I'm funny.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
No, not to me.
Ah, I'm not trying to be rude.
It's just, I don't like comedy.
Like like all comedy? I mean, everyone's trying too hard.
It's like so awkward.
You are right, actually.
You guys see this? 50 cents.
- Cellphone? - Here you go.
You are number 19.
Remember that.
Okay.
- Next? - Hi, here you go.
All right.
You're number 20.
Please remember that.
And everyone, please remember your number to collect your phone after the show.
Thank you so much.
Oh, actually, I thought of a tag for that business manager run Just put it on an index card.
You sounded great out there.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, great, set.
Oh, uh, yeah.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're an excellent joke writer.
Believe me, those are hard to find.
Oh my God.
Uh, wow, that means so much coming from you.
Oh, Thanks.
Honestly, I was like obsessed with your Oxygen special when I was ten.
I used to tell your altar boy gangbang joke to kids at recess.
How did it do? Oh, killed! Definitely worth the suspension.
Oh God! Oh, come come sit.
Okay.
Sure.
- Oh, you've pretty hands.
- Ah.
No, really, you could be a hand model.
- Oh, they're so delicate.
- Thank you.
Oh, I am being so rude, Ava, it's Lori, right? Could you get Lori and I couple of ice waters from the bar? - Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks.
- And this is a great look.
- The overalls? Oh, yeah.
No, love that.
- Oh, cool.
- I should try that.
- What do you think? - Yeah, you should.
- That sounds fun.
- You can go now.
Okay.
Um thank you.
Oh, Josefina, you look really nice.
Thank you.
Can you button me up? Sure, yeah.
You know, if this is a move, I am gay.
I have a date.
Oh, I didn't know you were dating.
Well, I wasn't.
But with Deborah gone, I finally started having nights to myself, and I got tired of coming home to an empty house.
Was it scary to get back out there? It was at first, but once I made the choice, it was great.
And now I've had five dates with Vernon and I finally met his kids.
They all have the same haircut, but I don't know yet if it's intentional.
Huh, okay, well, you're all set.
Thank you.
I love those earrings, by the way.
- They're Deborah's.
- Oh Shh.
Don't tell her, or I'll tell her you were the one who put the marshmallow in the panini maker.
My lips are sealed.
- Have fun.
- Thank you.
Don't stay here too late.
You work too hard, Marcus.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Apparently, I wasn't the best mother.
In fact, I was officially the worst, according to the "National Enquirer.
" No, it's true, in '87, I was number one on their list of worst moms.
And that was the year Baby Jessica fell down that well.
But I thought, you know, they don't know a thing about me.
But then I made their list of best-dressed, so I thought, well, maybe they do know what they're talking about.
You don't have it written down anywhere? No, no, I do not, because I told you to remember it.
Um, uh, what's your number? He said he doesn't remember it.
- His cell phone number.
- Just dial it from my phone.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Shh! Shh! I'm following the buzz.
- How was the show? - Horrible.
Yes.
Not a great set.
Oh, yeah.
Only one show, right? You're only as good as your last show.
Where are we tomorrow night? OKC, sold-out house.
Oh, thank God.
I always do well there.
I need this.
Do you wanna work on the "National Enquirer" bit? No, I want you to work on it while I rest.
I haven't been sleeping.
It's not helping.
- I hear you, Deb.
- Not sleeping great myself.
This chair reclines way too much.
Oh fuck Passing on the Chobani ad Fuck.
Oh, shit! - What are you doing? - Fuck! What? What is going on? Have you seen a tennis ball canister? It was in my backpack, and it's really important.
Yeah, I threw that out.
What? Yeah, just some dirt in a tennis ball canister was rolling around the bus, so I tossed it.
Tha that dirt was my dad.
Those are his ashes! - What the fuck - Oh my God.
- You threw them out? - They were on the ground! Yeah, well, they probably fell out of my bag 'cause all I have for storage on this stupid bus is a fucking hook! Well, sorry.
I texted you.
- No, you didn't! - Yes, I did.
I sent you a photo.
I said, "Is this yours or can I throw it out?" Well, I never got it 'cause I have a stupid old flip phone that can't get pictures.
Oh, you should get a smartphone.
They're a game changer.
I know about smart phones! I'm trying to be a good person, you dumb bitch! What is happening? Why the fuck is my La Mer on the ground? We threw away Ava's dad's ashes.
Oh, Jesus.
- It was an accident.
- Where? Where did you throw them out? Uh musta been when I had supper at McDonald's, Burger King, or Wendy's.
Or? You don't fucking remember where you ate dinner? Yeah, I remember.
I ate at all three.
I like the fries at McDonald's, the burgers at Burger King, charbroiled, and the Frostys at Wendy's.
So, yeah, it's probably in the trash at one of those.
- Okay, we have to go back.
- I have to get it No, no.
Sorry about your papa.
That's my bad.
But we're way too far away.
We got to get to Oklahoma.
We can't double back now, or it's gonna throw the whole schedule off.
Oh my God, fine! Then just stop the bus and drop me off.
I'll call an Uber.
Uh, without a smartphone? Fuck! I'll hitchhike.
Just please stop the bus.
- Please, Phil, pull over.
- No, Phil, do not pull over.
- Please pull over! - Phil, do not pull over! - Please I need to get off! - Stop! Turn the bus around.
- Deb - Turn the bus around.
Phil! Turn it around! Girl, are you gonna play a word tonight? It's your turn.
- Is it? - I think so.
- I'm drunk.
- Me too.
Hello, we're home.
- "We're"? - "We're"? Oh my God, it's a little puppy.
Mom, Miss Loretta, this is Joe.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, don't crowd him, Loretta, - 'cause you'll make him nervous.
- Oh.
- Suckah! - Oh fuck you, bitch.
Gimme the dog.
Let me see, you baby When did you become a dog guy? Since I made the choice to be one.
Oh, look at his little doggy dick.
- Look at the little puppy - Loretta.
- Give me the dog back.
- I just wanted to see - if it was a boy - That wasn't me, that was her.
No, it's both of y'all.
She ruined it for the both of you.
I just wanted to see if boy or a girl.
- I said his name is Joe.
- See what you did? Joe can be a girl's name.
You know, like in "Little Women.
" - What? - You know.
Okay, no, I don't know.
Everybody read "Little Women" in school, baby.
I went to school with white folk.
It wasn't at the first two places.
It has to be here.
For Christ's sake! Phil, hold this.
I already went through that.
Ugh Ohh what the fuck? - Wait, what's that? - What's that, what's that? - What? - On your left under that shoe.
Yes! Oh my God, thank you guys so much.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, Damien? - Find us a bar.
- On it.
No dirty martini? Oh no.
Can't trust them to make a good martini here.
No, you only order white wine in a bar on the road, because a cheap red is always terrible, but a cheap white at least you can live with, 'cause it's chilled.
Ah.
Thank you for that.
I know you really don't owe me anything, so I appreciate it.
And I'm sorry I freaked out, I just things with my dad happened really fast, and I was just scared I fucked something else up.
And I'm sorry if I put us off our schedule.
I hope we can still make it to Oklahoma City in time.
It doesn't really matter if we have to skip that one.
Those poor people have seen enough bombings.
Oh, come on, we're only a few shows in.
I don't know.
Usually something, you know, clicks by now.
I mean, I'm not even gonna get a new residency in Reno with this.
My dad used to always want me to watch with him.
He loved basketball.
But I usually said no because I don't really care about sports and also the sound of the sneakers squeaking on the floor really bothers me.
You know, it's like eeh eeh eeh-eeh-eeh - I get it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, so I never really watched with him, which was dumb.
Should have just given him like two fucking hours of my day.
Anyway, point is, I do always remember this thing he told me about this one team.
Their motto was "Trust the process.
" And I remember thinking, like, "That's a good philosophy.
" You know, like every game, win or lose, it's just part of it.
You're on the path to something bigger, so the individual setbacks don't get you down.
So maybe just trust the process.
Oh, my God, will you just order a glass of wine or something? I'm trying to be good.
Well, then get back to being good tomorrow morning.
Don't make me drink alone.
I mean, what else are you good for? Oh, barkeep? - What can I get you? - I'll have what she's having.
Sure.
Also, sorry to eavesdrop, but that team you were thinking of is the Philadelphia 76ers.
Yes, right! - So did it work? - Did they win a championship? Oh, no, they blow it every year, they suck.
That's great.
That's good.
So, what are you going to do with that? Yeah, um, I'm not sure.
I mean, I know I want to scatter them, but I I don't know where.
Don't look at me.
I'm a mausoleum gal.
I'll be right back.
Palmetto Resort and Spa.
This is Ray.
Hey, Ray, it's Ava.
Room 358.
Lived there for a very sad amount of time.
Yeah, if you're looking for your night guard, It was in Lost and Found for two weeks, and then after that if it's not claimed No, I actually had a question for you.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with my dad's ashes, and I was wondering if I could ask what you did with your dad's? Oh, well we spread his ashes - The spa? - Spa's on the third floor.
Yeah.
We spread his ashes in Key West Florida 'cause that was like his favorite place in the world.
Did your dad have a place he loved like that? Um, honestly, no.
He worked a ton and didn't really get to travel.
I mean, I think that was probably a big regret of his, actually.
Well, I mean, you're driving across the country, right? Couldn't you spread a little bit of him in each state? So it's like he finally got to travel? Oh my God, that's such a good idea.
You're incredibly emotionally intelligent, Ray.
Yeah, well, the fact that you sound surprised is actually super condescending.
Okay, and another great read on the situation.
Okay, great, I have to go.
Sir, we've already given you so much lotion.
So here's the Grand Canyon, Dad.
- You're done? - Yeah.
I'm going to do a little bit in every city we go to.
Oh.
Except the far right strongholds.
- Cool.
- All right, this reroute killed us.
Let's bottle up Papa, ladies.
Hit the road, Jack! Jesus.
You know, it's probably good that your dad didn't live to see me take you for everything you're worth.
Yeah.