Hap and Leonard (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Previously on Hap and Leonard 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 You're supposed to count to 100, Jezebel.
I know! Start all over, all the way to 100.
- I will! - No peeking! - [Huffs.]
1 - [Birds chirping.]
2, 3, 4 - [Vehicle approaching.]
- 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, - 11, 12 - Daisy.
Daisy! Daisy, get the children! - 13, 14 - Daisy: Let's go.
Come on, hurry up, now.
- Go! - Boy: Come on.
Hurry, children, let's go.
- 26, 27 - Come on, babies.
Come on.
[Truck rumbling.]
28, 29 30, 31, 32 - [Door squeaks.]
- Come on, children.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
[Front door closes.]
[Gate squeaks.]
[Basement door closes.]
[Wood beam clatters.]
Where's Jezzy? - [Children murmur.]
- Where's Jezzy? 98, 99, 100! [Fire crackling.]
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 [Crow cawing.]
She ain't for you is all I'm sayin'.
[Shifts gears, engine turns off.]
Woman looks at me like I'm James Garner.
She black.
Yeah.
[Truck door creaks.]
Black and beautiful.
And you ain't.
Never stopped me and you.
Me and you ain't you and her.
- Somethin' ain't right.
- [Glass shards crunching.]
You didn't think Krazzee Judy was right for me, either, as I recall.
Oh, please.
I told you she is crazy.
No, you told me her name is crazy.
You didn't tell me she was a contortionist.
Name one contortionist that ain't crazy.
How many contortionists you know? - One, and she's crazy.
- [Pounding.]
She used to do this thing with with her legs where Damn.
[Chuckles.]
Len.
[Tense music playing.]
[Exhales sharply.]
There goes your alibi.
Who in the hell wanna kill a old man? Maybe it was an accident.
You drive into the pond by accident, you get out.
Well, maybe he had a heart attack.
Maybe the seat belt broke.
[Sighs.]
Maybe it wasn't an accident.
I don't know.
Either way, the end result gon' be the same my black ass goin' to jail.
[Sighs heavily.]
Yeah, come on.
Help me get him outta here.
Oh, hell no.
I ain't touching no dead.
That's bad mojo.
Man, I thought you didn't believe in that shit.
I don't.
He did.
[Sighs.]
I tell you what's worse mojo is leaving him here and not calling the cops.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Hmm.
Sheriff Valentine? This is Leonard Pine and Hap Collins.
We want to report another dead body.
Mm-hmm, we the last ones see him alive.
No, sir, we ain't got no alibi.
Just two Samaritans don't know whether to check they ass or scratch they watch.
- Have a nice day.
- [Book splashes.]
[Laughs.]
That was good.
You make that up? I watch a lot of TV.
Come on, I got an idea.
[Water splashing.]
- [Strained voice.]
Push! - Goddamn it! My sciatica acting up! Come on, push! [Grunting.]
[Metal creaking.]
Keep going.
Leonard: Keep going.
Go.
[Creaking.]
Go.
[Exhales deeply.]
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Wanna say a few words? Nah, I'm good.
[Book splashes.]
Aah! Ow! Ah! Somethin' down here.
Hey.
Ow.
The hell is this? Give me a hand here.
- Yeah, take - Hold on, hold on.
- Wait, wait.
You got it? - Yeah.
- [Grunts.]
- Okay.
Hap: [Grunts.]
I got it.
Pull it up now.
- [Groans.]
- That's it.
[Tense music playing.]
[Clanks.]
I don't remember a damn thing in Chester's lunchbox about no gate.
At least now we know what happened to the hands.
I'll ask Florida to take another look.
She made copies of everythin'.
- Why? - [Clank.]
Why'd she make copies? Or why should I ask her to take another look? - Either/or.
- Well, she's our lawyer.
She's my lawyer, Hap.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What? Illium's dead, and this gate is the only thing standin' between me and jail.
I don't need your lil' pecker gettin' in the way of that.
[Dog barking in distance.]
[Door bells jingle, indistinct conversations.]
[Door closes.]
Howdy.
Dare I hope this is a social call, Miss Grange? I'd like you to recuse yourself from the Leonard Pine case.
Now why on earth would I do that? Because you are not an impartial judicial authority on the case.
What say now? 40 years is a long time.
Most people don't remember what they were doin' 40 years ago.
Hell, most people don't remember what they were doin' 40 minutes ago.
But I guess if your daddy was run over by some drunk-ass teenager, 40 years might feel like 40 minutes.
And you're implying that I can't preside over this case without bias.
Yes, sir, I am.
With respect.
Let me be honest, Miss Grange.
I don't think about that night very much.
You need to recuse.
Judge.
You need to remember who I am.
[Snaps newspaper.]
Counselor.
Can I get ya somethin', Miss Grange? She was just leavin'.
Thank you, Miriam.
In fact, I am just leavin'.
[Crunches.]
- [Door opens, bells jingle.]
- You believe in reincarnation, Judge? - [Door closes.]
- Why? 'Cause next life, I'm comin' back as her.
[Chuckles.]
[Map rustles.]
If you gon' be out there in them streets actin' grown, you best know how to feed yourself.
Your grandma teach you how to cook? Nah.
My Uncle Chester did that.
He was the best cook on the block next to MeMaw.
[Sizzling.]
He couldn't touch her pies.
- [Bangs utensil.]
- But then again, she couldn't mess with his ribs, either.
[Chuckles.]
[Opens oven.]
- Put that on the table for me.
- Okay.
[Clatter.]
Hey, hey! Unh-unh-unh-unh, that's mine! Look, the rule is that you don't cook, you don't eat in this house.
Final.
Go on! [Groans.]
And after you make your breakfast, you're gon' tell me what's in this little box o' yours.
[Crunching.]
[Knock on door.]
[Knock.]
[Knocking continues.]
[Door creaks.]
Hanson: We have a warrant to search the premises.
[Box thuds.]
[Door creaking closed.]
Can't nothin' them cops do that Florida can't undo.
You might as well sit still till she come here.
I tell you, MeMaw.
It was easier for me being black in Vietnam than it is in my own damn country.
Now why you think Chester paid for that girl to go to school? So she could learn to fight the white man like a white man, in they courts.
[Scoffs.]
Old Chester paid for Florida's law school after he kicked me out, huh? I'll be damned.
Now, honey, if you gon' blame a dead man for the way things turned out, you might as well turn in.
[Laughing.]
You and Leonard need to go talk to Illium.
I know I told you yesterday that he'd do the right thing.
But now? I'm [Exhales.]
I-I'm not so sure.
I think we're gonna have to come up with something else.
- We don't have anything else.
- Well, we'll find something.
- You and Leonard? - Yeah.
[Exhales slowly.]
Ugh.
Don't do anything stupid.
Oh, now, that hurt.
That that that ugh.
Anything.
You hear me? Nothin'.
Yes, ma'am.
Dirty old man.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
[Engine rumbling.]
[Engine turns off.]
- [Car door closes.]
- [Dish clatters.]
[Police radio chatter.]
- Evening, all.
- [Car door closes.]
- Thanks.
- Apples from Florida's tree.
Oh, my, my.
Oh, put them gorgeous things in the kitchen.
I'm-a make us a apple pie.
[Chuckles.]
I'm taking you for lunch in Cooperstown.
What's in Cooperstown? Answers, I hope.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Door creaks.]
[Door slams.]
Calm down, Miss Grange.
We got a search warrant.
An anonymous tip, I suppose.
Best kind.
What is Sneed doing here? Doing his job.
He assaulted my client while in custody.
I suppose he was just doing his job then, too? Miss Grange, I'm sure you got some other work you could be doin'.
I think we can finish up things around here.
Illium Moon was Chester's associate, not Leonard.
- I can prove it.
- [Descending footsteps.]
So, why haven't you? Because Illium is afraid to talk to you.
[Door opens, closes.]
I wonder why.
Counselor, we're not all like him.
Lord, I wish that were true.
[Clattering in background.]
Let me finish what I'm doing here, then you can show me what you got.
[Chair creaks.]
[Sighs.]
Bobby Babbit.
Charles Brooks.
Bunt Jackson.
Brantley Jermaine House.
The only four whose first or last names start with "B.
" And they all lived in Cooperstown.
- Cooperstown? - Mm.
Thought maybe we could start by talking to their mothers, look for fences missing a gate.
[Scoffs.]
That's your bright idea, huh? Just drive around town, lookin' for a gate that ain't there no more.
Might as well just put that damn noose around my neck myself.
- What the - Goddamn! [Tires squealing.]
[Engine turns off.]
[Doors creak.]
[Truck door closes.]
[Hatch creaks.]
The hell you doing in my truck, you little piece of shit?! I was cleanin' it, and then I fell asleep.
Cleanin' my truck? With what, that nappy head o' yours? - Hey, Leonard - Hap, this this this spook ain't got no business in our business.
I know where that gate came from.
Wait a minute.
What, this gate? Mm-hmm.
Come on! - [Hatch slams.]
- Go on.
We can walk from here.
Boy, you better not be shittin' me! I ain't shittin' you.
[Dog barking in distance.]
Illium? [Crow cawing.]
Illium.
Illium Moon, it's Florida, Chester's friend.
[Cawing continues.]
[Sinister music plays.]
[Crunching.]
[Vehicle approaching.]
[Engine turns off.]
Hey, I left him a note.
I told him to call me.
Yeah, well, somethin' tells me it's a call he's not gonna make.
[Indistinct conversations in distance.]
Breechelle, Turquoise.
Look out your window.
Two men following behind a boy like they got somethin' on they mind.
- [Door squeaks.]
- Where's he goin' now? I'm tellin' you, this is bullshit.
- [Gate closes.]
- Well, think of it as a as a walk in the country, like golf.
We never played no damn golf.
Ah, I played miniature golf with Trudy once.
You did a lot of things with Trudy you shouldn't've done.
- Thanks for reminding me.
- Oh, you welcome.
[ Lowered voice .]
Dawnisha, Breechelle.
They comin' your way right now.
Mm-hmm.
I got 'em.
They comin' 'round back, Leelanee.
Told ya I could find it.
What the hell is this? The gate.
No.
That ain't the gate! Hey, that is the gate.
Ohh.
"Oh," nothin'.
Boy, get over here.
Listen, from now on, he's Starsky, and I'm Hutch.
Looky here.
And you Huggy Bear.
Huggy Bear don't do nothin', all right? He just do what he told.
- You got that? - Mm-hmm.
[Sighs.]
Hap, where's Chester's map? We got to find us some mothers to talk to.
Follow me.
[Creaks.]
Round up the girls, Dawnisha.
- [Sneakers scuff.]
- Oh, shit.
Hello.
[Rhythmic blues tune playing.]
[Women speaking indistinctly.]
Woman: Come on, now.
Hand over that boy, right now.
Come over here, child.
You good? We takin' you to Stella.
["Mr.
Big Stuff" playing.]
Look like a coupla perverts to me.
Oh, no, no, ma'am.
We're we're detectives.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, private investigators.
We we're we're working on this The only thing that's keeping you from getting your ass Jheri-curled up in here is me.
So how about speaking some truth to Stella? I-I know, ma'am.
See, we [Sighs.]
Here here it is.
Uh, we're looking for this.
See, uh the dead boy who was found under the house? We think he may have been tied to that gate.
I've seen this.
You have? Where? Hmm.
Um - Woman: Uh-oh.
- Woman: Mm-hmm.
Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff You're never gonna get my love Now I know all the girls I've seen you with Come on.
I'll show you.
I know you broke their hearts one after another now Bit by bit My grandparents on their wedding day.
You know where this was taken, ma'am? - That picture? - Mm-hmm.
No.
They're all dead now.
Oh.
- The whole generation of them.
- Mm-hmm.
[ Crying .]
And my Boomer, too.
Your Boomer? My son.
Boomer.
He's dead.
[Voice breaks.]
I know he is.
- [Crying softly.]
- Oh, Miss Stella.
We can't promise nothin', but we gon' be lookin' for all the lost boys around here.
And if your boy but one of 'em, we'll do our best to find him.
Okay? Okay.
Oh, hey, come here.
Okay.
[Vehicle approaches.]
[Brakes squealing.]
- [Engine turns off.]
- Hey, next time you wanna play private detective, do me a favor and leave me out of it.
I almost got my face raked off while you feelin' up on that old midget.
[Chuckles.]
Well, it worked, didn't it? Gate came from a church.
We didn't know that this mornin'.
Church ain't tell us who them bones is.
Damn sure ain't tell us where the killa at.
Uh, how do you know that? We haven't found the church yet.
[Engine starts.]
- Tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Ivan: I'm hungry.
- Leonard: Stop your bellyaching.
You'll eat soon enough.
[Brakes squeal.]
[Bird calling in distance.]
[Dog barking in distance.]
[Brakes squeal, gears shift.]
[Engine turns off.]
[Sighs heavily.]
[Dog continues barking.]
[Crickets chirping.]
You need to be with your own people.
I thought you were my people.
Yeah, well, you thought wrong.
Raul said you'd take care of me.
That ain't mean forever.
I ain't gon' be here forever.
You got kicked out or you ran away? Tell me the truth.
[Sighs.]
Kicked out.
[Scoffs.]
Bullshit.
You ran away, and probably just sayin' that 'cause it's easier.
Am I right? Am I right? [Scoffs.]
I'm telling you right now, that running away shit, it follows you like a goddamn shadow, sometimes in the front, sometimes in the back.
No matter what [Sighs.]
it's the first thing people see when you come in, and the last thing they see when you goin'.
Damn shadow, tell the whole story, no matter what lie you run and tell yourself in your own head.
Ain't no runnin' from your shadow.
You need to think on that.
[Handle clicks.]
[Truck door slams.]
[The Flatlanders' "You've Never Seen Me Cry" playing on radio.]
The windmills and the water tanks All stand on solid ground The country mailman mutters As he motors into town - [Service bell dings.]
- The sunlight came The sunlight went, the stars came out to see Mm-hmm.
Hang on.
Hey! Fill it up and check the oil.
The ocean, babe, is watered down - But these plains are high and dry - All right, what was you saying? Good enough.
We'll talk tomorrow.
A'ight.
All right, bye.
[Clank.]
[Gas pump clatters, lever clanks.]
Hey.
You know what's at the bottom of an abandoned quarry, under all that water? Rocks that nobody wants.
I don't give a shit about Leonard Pine.
I don't give a shit about you.
I don't give a shit about your lawyer.
You poke me [Can crumpling.]
[Can clanks.]
[Tense music playing.]
You got it? I got it.
Good.
Hurry it up, then.
[Pop.]
[Air hissing.]
[Engine starts.]
[Gears shift.]
[Service bell dings.]
Have a good evening, Judge.
[Organ playing.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Wrappers rustling.]
[Vehicle approaching, cash register beeping.]
[Car door closes.]
[Vehicle departs.]
[Cash register beeps.]
- [Crickets chirping.]
- What the [Bag thuds.]
[Dramatic music playing.]
[Panting.]
Hey, hey! Right here, asshole! [Brakes squeal.]
[Air brakes hiss.]
[Engine rumbling.]
[Brakes squeal.]
[Engine turns off, door creaks.]
[Insects chirping.]
You call a tow truck, Judge? Yeah.
I did.
Moron.
[Clicks tongue.]
You've been drinkin'.
Just fix it! [Can top fizzes.]
[Tools rattling.]
Some people learn the hard way, Judge.
And others? The hardest.
You oughta know that by now.
- [Car door slams.]
- Boy me and you fixin' to mix.
[Glass shatters.]
Goddamn! What did you do to my car?! My ca Ow! - Ow! - [Bones crunching.]
[Squealing.]
Ow, ow! Ow! G Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
[Grunts.]
- Ow.
- [ Glass crunches.]
[Rustling.]
You're makin' a big mistake.
[Grunts.]
Yeah, probably.
What do you want? I wanna tell you a story, Judge.
I want you to pay attention.
A long time ago lived an old man, and he had a dog.
Yeah, everybody said that that dog was sour.
And the old man should have him put down.
But old man loved that dog, hard as it was to love.
[Bird calling in distance.]
And then one day a little boy walked past the old man's house on his way to school, and the old man's crazy dog jumped up, bit him.
[Voice breaking.]
Right here.
Did you know a a dog bite could break a boy's heart? Well from then on, every time that boy walked past the house He told himself somethin'.
"Someday," he said He said, "Someday "I'm gonna go past his house, - and that dog" - [Whimpering.]
"that dog is gonna be all by hisself.
" [Sobs.]
[Gagging.]
[Coughing, gasping.]
[Gasping.]
[Panting.]
[Beau sobbing.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Beau panting.]
[Grunting.]
[Footsteps depart rapidly.]
[Panting.]
[Bird calls in distance.]
[Radio playing indistinctly.]
Anything else I can get you, Miss Grange? A chill pill'd be nice.
How 'bout a slice of cherry pie, instead? Even better.
- Thank you.
- Sheriff what can I get you? Oh, just some coffee.
Whoop.
Whoop, whoop.
There you go.
Thank you, ma'am.
Vermont maple syrup, just to sweeten it up a bit.
How good of a judge is my son Beau? Say, on a scale of 1 to 10, would you say? 2.
If I'm being generous.
Well, then how good of a lawyer are you? Same scale.
- 8.
- Mm.
Ahh.
And me? [Sighs.]
We all pay for our crimes, Miss Grange, and our misdemeanors.
Leonard Pine pays.
Hap Collins pays.
You.
Me.
My son.
Even the innocent we can't really protect.
Well - [Sets down cup.]
- Ahh.
Y'all be careful, huh? [Departing footsteps.]
[Door bells jingle.]
[Door creaks closed.]
[Liquid splashes.]
[Sighs contentedly.]
- You just know the way - [Door bangs.]
To hurt me, you know it Unh-unh-unh! Surefire way to get your pecker blown off.
- How'd you get in here? - Boy, didn't nobody tell you? Ain't safe to leave your door open in a white neighborhood.
What are you doing? Salt increases the, uh, conductivity.
[Whimpers.]
- So when you go - [Inhales sharply.]
you go real quick.
You gon' go.
[Stammering.]
- [Water splashes.]
- Uhh! - [Gasps.]
- Where's Ivan? - [Grunts.]
- Valentine tell you to snatch him? [Grunts, sniffles.]
[ Strained voice .]
He told us, all the cops, to nail you, make it stick.
[Grunts.]
Even if the case against Chester didn't make, he wanted you.
That boy ain't nothin' but a kid.
- He ain't got nothin' to do with this! - I know.
I know.
I-I went to Melton.
I took some bones.
You know, like trophies.
It was my idea.
I-I told Melton I'd shut him down if he didn't help me.
He got the kid to do it [Groans.]
to plant 'em in Chester's house.
Only the kid didn't do it.
[Grunts, inhales sharply.]
- Where is Ivan?! - Aah! - I'm about to rip this thing right off! - [Water splashes.]
I took him to Melton's.
That's the truth.
Boy, don't matter what you wash or how hard you wash it.
You ain't gon' never be clean.
[Whimpering.]
[Water splashes.]
But I kept it quiet Please, no! No, don't! [Screaming.]
[Panting.]
Copper Top.
Best battery you could buy.
[Rap music playing on stereo.]
[Gun cocks.]
- [Gunshot.]
- [Shouts indistinctly.]
- [Gun cocks, casing clatters.]
- Who next?! Y'all got 5 seconds to get outta here.
And don't come back! Now, look out! Look out! [Shouting indistinctly.]
- [Vehicles depart rapidly.]
- You heard me.
I ain't gon' say it again.
You keep on smilin'.
I'll shoot them teeth out your head! [Men speaking indistinctly.]
Oh.
Oh, shit.
MeMaw! MeMaw! [Pounding.]
- Open the door! - [Door creaks.]
Oh.
I'm about to have a duck fit.
What are you doin'? [Sets down shotgun.]
What you gon' do? Something I shoulda done a long time ago.
[Gun clanks.]
[Door creaks.]
[Door creaks closed.]
I just had coffee with King Valentine.
Oh? Do you want your friend to go to jail? Because he will.
As good as I am, as weak as their case is You keep harassing the judge, Valentine will see to it Leonard goes to jail.
[Scoffs.]
Three cops called me this evening to tell me what an asshole you are.
I got my hands full with Leonard.
I-I don't need to worry about you, too.
You're worried about me? What I need is you to be honest with me.
About everything.
No problem.
Total honesty.
Absolutely.
Where's Illium? Dead.
I know.
We found him at the bottom of his pond, Hanson and I.
Oh, you told Hanson about Illium? Well, he's trying to solve this case.
No, he he he's trying to frame Leonard.
Tell me you and Leonard had nothing to do with Illium's death.
We found him in the van, in [Inhales deeply.]
in the pond.
[Sighs.]
But but he was he was dead when we got there.
And you what, sunk the van? Yeah Thinking through our options, it that seemed the most reasonable thing to do at the time.
And and this was before we knew about our our new best friend Hanson.
Okay.
Okay what? [Train whistle blowing in distance.]
[Cassandra Wilson's "Easy Rider" playing.]
Tell me where my Easy rider's gone Tell me where my Easy rider's gone Easy rider's women [Liquid pouring.]
Always in the wrong Easy rider Died out on the road [Door creaks.]
[Click.]
Easy rider [Lighter clicks.]
- [Switch clicks.]
- Died out on the road [Hydraulic lift whirring.]
Just a poor boy Who ain't had nowhere else to go [Glass shatters.]
You know, there's gonna be a time When a woman don't need no man Don't burn no coal at all [Flames crackling.]
The train that I ride It don't burn no coal at all And the coal that my baby's burning Everybody, everybody Calls it the cannonball 4 and 5 Tell me where my And 6 Easy rider's gone And 7 8 9