Happy! (2017) s02e03 Episode Script
Some Girls Need a Lot of Repenting
1 Previously, on "Happy!" [GROANS.]
New private school? 8,000 per quarter.
Believe it or not, I'm counting on Nick.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
The kids will wait here until you sound the horn.
Then they run out to the eastern meadow.
[MUFFLED HOLLERING.]
I have removed all of the skin from your body.
I will determine your time of death down to the hour.
Call the goddamn Feds.
Take the goddamn deal.
I I've seen it happen a thousand times.
Guys can't take the pressure.
They just crack.
Let's go ahead and kill the idiot.
[ALL GRUNTING.]
You're Blue's personal lawyer, Geno.
I would love to know what you and Sonny had to talk about.
He's got blackmail on everyone.
It's on video tape.
He knows what people wish for.
The dark stuff.
The stuff they don't even tell their shrinks about.
Tell me where he keeps the tapes.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CHOIR SINGING.]
This joyful Eastertide Away with sin and sorrow My love, the crucified Has sprung to life this morrow I thought they were only supposed to do that on Ash Wednesday? It's kind of a regular thing here.
Some girls need a lot of repenting.
[CHOIR SINGING.]
What's the matter? Haven't you ever been to mass before? - No.
- That explains it.
Explains what? Why Santa picked you.
You have sin in your heart.
Remember that you are dust.
[SLOWED SPEECH.]
And to dust you shall return.
[ECHOING.]
This is gonna pinch.
- Just a little.
- [WHEEZING LAUGHTER.]
You could be little forever.
[DRILL WHIRRING.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
- [HOLLERS.]
My thumb! You broke my fucking thumb! You goddamn little [DING.]
Shot of bourbon, shot of tequila, Bloody Mary back, and a pineapple juice for the lady.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[THROATY SIGH.]
That ass is thicker than a bowl of porridge.
"That ass" is someone's daughter.
Uh-huh.
Somebody's mama, too, I bet.
All right, Le Dic, what the hell are we doing here? You know I'm trying to stay sober.
Make changes in my life.
I can see that.
Moved out of that apartment-sized Petri dish you called a home.
You got yourself a summer shirt that makes you look like an unemployed homosexual.
Fatherhood becomes you, Nicky.
How's the missy? Hey, Hailey's great, you know.
She's starting her first day at her new school You sound like a goddamn wet nurse.
I don't give a fuck about your daughter's school.
I'm here to talk shop.
I got a job for you.
- [WHISTLE BLOWING.]
- Flag on the play.
This is a direct violation of the bylaws.
"Consorting with a criminal element.
" I wanna thank you for your offer, but as I told you before - I'm out of the game.
- Attaboy, Nick.
No.
You told Nick no killing, maiming, battery, bribes, blackmail, fraud, kidnapping, carjacking, or arson.
Yeah.
I had to stop at nine on account of your handicap.
The job I got for you is a simple B and E.
Bacon and eggs? Sign me up! "Breaking and entering," you say? - I do say.
- So why are you talking to me? There are plenty of "B and E" guys out there.
There sure are, but none as good as you.
Oh, stop with the flattery.
I can't help it, you're the best.
I am pretty good.
No, not "pretty good.
" The best.
Like James Bond.
Only better 'cause you're American.
All right, everything you say is true.
Even still, fact remains I got a daughter now.
Can't do it.
It pays, Nicky.
- 2K.
- Don't do it, Nick.
I know we need the money for Hailey's school but it's not worth your soul.
My soul ain't worth $2,000.
Yes! My soul is worth $3,200.
- Hmm.
- Final offer.
[WAILING.]
No! Details in here.
Dead drop's at the shipyard, 1600 hours.
Go with God.
You broke Father Eddie's thumb in two places.
What do you have to say for yourself? It was an accident.
[IMITATES BUZZER.]
Wrong answer.
- How old are you, Hailey? - Almost 11.
Well, that's practically a grown-up.
I hold grown-ups accountable for their muck-ups, but Jesus gives us another option: repentance.
I'm sorry.
Better.
Oh, there, now.
First day at a new school.
No friends.
You feel isolated.
It's only natural.
Here.
Read this.
[AUSTERE MUSIC.]
"Zipporah cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it.
" Oops! Wrong place.
Hang on.
Proverbs.
"Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe.
" That means you mustn't act out in fear, Hailey.
It may seem we're all alone.
Nevertheless, there's someone watching us.
Protecting us.
[PHONE DINGS.]
Hmm.
I haven't seem you smile like that since Bell Biv Devoe made the big comeback.
I got a nice text, that's all.
- You got laid.
- Dr.
Reddy, he can hear us.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Out like a light.
Now dish, sister.
I met somebody.
He's pretty great.
[GIDDY LAUGH.]
Okay, I've got to drain the monkey, so I'll be right back.
You rinse him out, and then I want to hear everything.
Okay? [CHUCKLES.]
[UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC BUILDS.]
[BLOWS.]
[LENGTHY STRETCHING NOISES.]
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ECHOING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALARM SOUNDING.]
[WATER GUSHING.]
[COUGHING, GAGGING.]
Amanda, what are you doing? You're drowning him! What's the matter with you? [EXCLAIMS.]
Timmy, wake up! - - [ELEGANT MUSIC.]
And so, for 40 days, Jesus took to the desert with no food and no water.
Nothing to distract him from asking, "Am I ready to die for what I believe in?" I'm only sorry that my husband's hay fever was so severe he couldn't be here today.
But I know what he'd say to all these beautiful boys and girls.
"Imagine you were Jesus starving in the desert for 40 years.
" - Boo! - [CROWD BOOING.]
And now, imagine how happy Jesus would be if he had all these yummy treats to eat! Yay! [APPLAUSE.]
Happy Easter! Go, go, go.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[CHILDREN CHEERING.]
[MEN VOCALIZING.]
[CHILDREN CLAMORING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[HOARSE GASP.]
- [CHILDREN SHRIEKING.]
- [GASPS.]
[ALL GASPING, CHATTERING.]
[SCREAMS CONTINUE OVER TV.]
[SIGHS.]
I'd forgotten how much I love working with children.
Mm, those puffy white marshmallow minds.
So corruptible.
You're a true gem, Smoothie.
Although never mind.
- What? - Nothing.
No, no, please.
I thrive on feedback.
Well, why dark chocolate and not milk? I mean, it's America's favorite.
Kids can't get enough of the stuff, and frankly, neither can I.
I'm afraid that you would find the detail of my execution and planning rather tedious.
Be that as it may, dark chocolate has a higher melting point than milk fat-based chocolate, and that assists with cauterization.
But more important and forgive me for my admittedly high-minded flight of fancy dark chocolate was the original food of the gods.
The Greeks called it marta Should have gone milk! Oh, well.
On to the next.
I have a few ideas I'd like you to get started on.
I'm afraid that isn't possible.
I have something I need to attend to this afternoon.
Really? May I ask what that is? It's personal.
Smoothie, you have no personal life.
That's what makes you special.
Little bunny eye.
It's so cute.
I want one.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY, LAUGHS.]
I'm just joshing ya! You little so-and-so! [LAUGHING.]
I don't.
You, take the afternoon, all right? Company morale, that's what I say.
Bright-eyed and cotton-tailed tomorrow, Smoothie! The show must go on [TELEPHONE RINGING, BEEPS.]
Mr.
Shine, I have Kap Gostynski from the network? More golf.
We were able to recover four of the veneers.
The remaining ones should pass through his stool comfortably.
Timmy's mom and dad say they won't press charges.
Oh, thank heavens.
But they're not happy campers, Amanda.
Timmy almost drowned.
- I hate to do this, but - Doctor, please.
I think you need to take, you know, some time off.
Long time off.
You're firing me.
They're gonna kill me on Yelp for this, Amanda.
You don't give me any choice.
- Yelp? - [SIGHS.]
You know all right.
- Ten years.
- Hmm? I did everything I was supposed to do.
Raised my little girl alone.
It was never about me.
I had to be strong for her, for everyone.
- I was the rock.
- I love The Rock.
Now there is something inside me, you know? Something I don't understand.
I think maybe I'm done being everyone's bitch, Dr.
Reddy.
Maybe it's time for someone else to pick things up for a change.
Okay, okay.
Real good.
So if you can just drop off your keys, that I don't understand what's happening to me.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Amanda.
- [GASPS.]
Uh - May I? - Of course.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Hmm? Feels like we're breaking our promise to Hailey.
Well, we're not.
You heard Le Dic.
We're not killing, maiming, battering, bribing, blackmailing, defrauding, kidnapping, carjacking, or - Arsoning.
- Exactly.
So if it ain't on the list aww, crap.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
"B and E" my balls.
But don't you ever feel bad about taking peoples' stuff? Like like, picture them coming home and being like, "Whoa, where's my stuff?" You know, I I've been grading you on a curve because, I mean, it's hard going from being a little girl's imaginary friend to a big strong man's imaginary friend, so let me be candid about what I expect from somebody in your position.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I don't want a mother.
I don't want a wife.
And I definitely do not want a conscience.
I had two of them three things.
It wasn't fun.
But what I do want is a partner.
Ah-nuh [WHISPERS.]
Silent partner.
You know, someone who's gonna be there when I need him and disappears when I don't.
And I really feel that that arrangement, gonna be beneficial for both of us.
Right, this is all for my benefit.
You see, right there.
Already, you're growing.
- That was sarcasm.
- I did sarcasm? Yeah, you did and very well.
Now flutter aside.
[GASPS, EXHALES.]
Come in, noodle.
You must be the new pool boy.
My husband said you were coming by.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
As I live and breathe.
Happy, do you know who that was? - Bebe Debarge.
- Who? Only the last great movie start, that's who.
"Operation Bim-bot," "Bride of The Blob," She was the gym coach in "Jacuzzi Police.
" Happy we're robbing Hollywood royalty.
Ms.
Debarge, I'm your biggest fan.
Oh, do you know my work? Oh, yes.
I owned the poster.
You know, the one of you in the gold bikini tossing your hair.
I'm sure I can't recall.
I used to admire it nightly, if you know what I mean.
Oh.
I never tire of hearing those stories.
Well, your husband's a lucky man.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, I'm a lucky woman.
Oh, are you.
Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa! Holy sh I mean, jeepers! Poor guy.
Imagine having to lug that thing around all day.
I don't have to imagine, Hap.
Uh, yeah, Nick.
I've seen it.
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
[MUSIC DARKENS.]
Happy, Bebe's husband is BOTH: Sonny Shine! [MACHINE BEEPING SLOWLY.]
[HOARSE GASP.]
[HOLLERS.]
[STAMMERING.]
[GROANING.]
Morning, Scaramucci.
I was kite surfing at Lake Atitlán in Guatemala over the holidays superb conditions so I didn't get the chance to make your acquaintance.
Warden Kilpatrick.
Seems like you've been taking advantage of some of our extracurricular activities.
Sodomy.
Sodomy.
Murder.
Sodomy.
[GRUNTS.]
[STAMMERING.]
What happened? I was gonna ask you the same thing.
I'm sure you understand, it's hard to imagine how one guy fought off six members of the Dimitrov crime family.
Vasiliev's skull was cracked against the toilet seat [BLOOD DRIPPING.]
Popov drowned.
He had enough water in his lungs to kill him ten times over.
- Ivanov - [SCREAMS.]
The Lebdevs? - [GRUNTING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
All of them [IMITATES SLICING.]
At the same time.
I I don't know.
Amnesia's common around here.
[GATE BUZZES.]
You've got a visitor.
Your niece.
- [GATE OPEN.]
- Maybe she can jigger a memory or two loose.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
You got five minutes, Detective.
No, no, absolutely not.
Get away, get away.
[CHILDISH VOICE.]
But, Uncle Blue, I came all this way to give you a hug.
Ah! - How's it going? - [GROANS.]
You want me to fluff a pillow for you? Get you some ice chips? Fuck you, Meredith! Like a daughter, I treated you.
I know.
I owe you big time.
- That's why I'm here.
- [SLAPS HAND.]
How's the deal with the Feds coming along? Not looking good, I hear.
Go to hell.
Geno Sarcuzzi.
I'm sure you recognize Shine Tower.
Attorney-client privilege ain't what it used to be, huh? You trusted him.
He belongs to Shine.
I spoke to Geno earlier today.
There's no deal, Blue.
- But - [HOLLERS.]
You can make one with me.
- Give me Sonny Shine.
- Oh, Merry.
I would rather die in here than suffer the shame of owing you anything.
- [YELPS.]
- Good luck with that.
[COUGHING, GROANING.]
Fuck! When I get out of here, Merry and I will Ah! I'm gonna cut you to ribbons! - [COUGHING.]
- Okay, just calm down.
Get off! Get off.
There, there, now.
We're not going anywhere.
[MACHINE BEEPING QUICKLY.]
- [SINISTER MUSIC.]
- No, no, no [GROANING.]
- Ah! - [THUDDING.]
Ah Get on the ground! Get on the ground now! Even as Jesus hung dying on the cross, he offered comfort to Dismas, the Penitent Thief beside him.
Leading him into the kingdom of Heaven and making Saint Dismas the first saint.
Can anyone name some other saints? What about Saint Nick? Nice, Dagny.
Sister, how did Saint Nick become Santa Claus? That's a good question.
Saint Nick was the bishop of Myrna, but he always took care of the town's children.
[CHILDREN HUMMING "JINGLE BELLS".]
I know we all love Christmas, girls, but now's not the time to Oh, what the hey.
Oh what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh, hey Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open [DARK MUSIC.]
You, me, under the bleachers.
5:00.
Psycho.
Our mom said she has PMS-D.
Don't look at me like that.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC.]
Mmm [GROANS.]
[GAGGING.]
[VOMITING.]
[GROANING, GASPING.]
[CONNIVING MUSIC.]
Damn it.
No way Sonny's shvantz is that big.
I should have guessed this was Sonny Shine's house.
He's always got the coolest stuff.
If you want it, take it.
We can't steal from Sonny Shine! He's a beloved childhood icon! He's a virus made of sewage.
Agree to disagree.
Look, Hap, remember what I said what I want out of an imaginary friend? - [SIGHS.]
- Hmm? - "A silent partner " - Mm-hmm.
"Who helps you out when you need him - and disappears when you don't.
" - Exactly.
So keep your eye on Bebe.
Let Daddy go to work.
Bentgrass, wind North-North-West, seven miles per hour.
Humidity [SNIFFS.]
- 65%.
- Ugh, I know.
My hair's been so frizzy lately.
Look, Louis, you know I'm a straight shooter, so I'm gonna level with you.
The Network loves you.
Sonny Shine plus Easter, total slam dunk.
But we're bumping on some of the specifics.
Really? It's a pretty standard script.
It's seven hours long.
There's over 300 roles in it.
Well, we can get that down a scosh.
[FRANTIC BLOWING.]
And then there's the language.
Not the cursing so much, but we're not supposed to say "Chinaman" anymore.
Well, didn't get that memo.
Your script uses it 34 times.
All in reference to George Takei, who is of Japanese descent.
[CLUB WHACKING BALL.]
What if we cut out the last 60 pages? [IRRITATED MUTTERING.]
But that's the climax! The three magic wishes! We don't need them.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Kap [GRUNTS.]
Mulligan.
The three wishes are the crux of the whole piece.
They're a little pat.
[GRUNTS.]
Mulligan.
They're not pat.
They're classics.
[GRUNTS.]
And they speak to the child in all of us.
The secret longing that we all have.
Surely even you [GRUNTS.]
Must have some unfulfilled wishes.
[LAUGHS.]
Please, Sonny.
I run the third-largest network in the nation.
I have more money than I know what to do with.
My wife and mistresses are, well, not friends, but on good terms.
I have everything a man could wish for.
What about the things a man shouldn't wish for? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[CLUB WHACKS BALL.]
You know, the ones that keep him awake at night, or come to him in his dreams.
I mean, surely even you must have one of those, Kap.
Whoa.
Ooh-la-la.
This room is très exotique.
Well, thank you.
I'll pass the compliment to Otho, my decorator.
[GASPS.]
You can see me? Well, of course, my little piglet.
Haven't we met before? Riding the green fairy with Price Rainier at The Coconut Grove? The Green Fairy.
Green Fairy.
I don't know who that is.
Well, butter-bean, who do you know? Uh, do you know Hailey Hansen? I can't say that I do.
Oh, we were together for ten years, - but that ended recently.
- Aww, there, there.
Well, you came to the right place, darling.
Oh, Bebe knows all about I mean, all about heartbreak.
La grande tristesse.
I have a new partner now, but it's not the same.
He can be a real prickly pear.
"He"? Oh.
Well, that's okay.
Bebe's open-minded.
I mean, I care about him, I do.
But there's something holding me back.
It's it's her.
[SIGHS.]
It's Hailey.
You're looking at it the wrong way, poodle.
You see, in this life, everyone is searching for something.
[MYSTERIOUS JAZZY MUSIC.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- Ah, yes.
Something.
Searching for happiness.
Searching for meaning.
Searching for a higher power, searching for God.
Well, guess what? There is no meaning, no happiness, no God.
Just the human connection.
Each other.
If Hailey doesn't want you, the hell with her! [LAUGHS.]
Find your connection somewhere else.
[SCOFFS.]
I should have been a TV detective.
[WOOD CREAKING.]
Take it from Bebe.
You see, I have been married - seven times.
- Seven? Lady, you must be great in in the kitchen.
There was Johnny, Jimmy, Joey, Rudolph, Henry, Mario, and now Louis.
And you know what? I loved each one of them dearly.
[GRUMBLES.]
In fact, I keep all of their rings here on a chain.
Jackpot.
[ITEMS CLATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
How do I get one of these? Kegels.
Each one of these rings represents a brand new chapter in my life.
That's the key to happiness, kiddo.
Keep moving, man.
[PLAYING CHEERFUL PIANO MUSIC.]
Gray skies are gonna clear up Put on a happy face Brush off the clouds and cheer up Put on a happy face? Take off that gloomy mask of tragedy It's not your style You look so good that you'll be glad You decided to smile [SCATTING.]
Pick out a pleasant outlook Or stick out that noble chin Wipe off that full-of-doubt look And slap on a happy grin BOTH: And spread sunshine All over the place And put on your happy face [CACKLES.]
Come on, come on! [UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[HOLLERING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey! [GRUNTS.]
[WIRE VIBRATES.]
Sir, let go of Mr.
Shine's penis.
I can explain.
[GRUNTING.]
- [HEAD IMPALES.]
- Sorry.
- Hold it! - Stop! [PEPPY EXCLAMATION.]
[SLOW JAZZY FLOURISH.]
Whoo! Ya-hoo! Huh! [PANTING.]
Huh? Ah-ha! [GRUNTING.]
[TASER CRACKLING.]
[TASER CRACKLING.]
[JAZZY FLOURISH.]
[JAZZY FLOURISH.]
[LAUGHS.]
[TASER CRACKLING RHYTHMICALLY.]
[GROWLING.]
BOTH: And spread sunshine All over the place And put on a happy - Put on a happy - Hap-hap-happy BOTH: Put on A happy face Ha! [MEN GURGLING.]
And spread sunshine All over the place And Ah [CHUCKLES.]
Put on a happy Face [SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS.]
Ooh [EXCLAIMS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
- Looking for these? - [ITEMS CLATTER.]
Beta? How the hell am I supposed to play these? Gave up on Sonny Shine, huh? [SARCASTIC MIMICKING.]
"Keep our head down.
- Play it day by day.
" - Yeah, well, what about you? I thought you were "out of the business.
" I was until someone sent Le Dic to recruit me.
You knew I needed money for Hailey's school.
You used me, Mer.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I did.
- Yeah.
'Cause you're the only one I can trust, you asshole.
You know, I really wish I could trust you, Mer.
I really do, but every time I try, I'm the guy who winds up with a knife in my back! I don't recall it being a knife, Nick.
And I think it was up your Silent partner.
Now, this very simple B and E of yours, it turned out not to be quite so simple.
Few guards showed up.
And? And I'm standing here with the tapes.
You do the math.
Damn it, Sax.
I want this guy so bad.
And deep down, I know you want it, too.
You can deny it all you want, but this fucker took your daughter.
- La-la-la Not listening.
- Mer.
I know that there is nothing you want more than to see Sonny Shine put away for life.
What the fuck are you talking about, "put away"? I want to tear him apart with my bare hands.
I want to feed his balls to him, and guess what? It's really not that down deep inside.
It's right on the surface.
But I'm a family man now, so you're on your own.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what is on these tapes.
My guess, jack shit.
And you don't gotta pay me for the job.
Let's just chalk it up to back rent.
Hey, by the way, next time you want a locksmith, try the fucking yellow pages.
Yeah, so long, skirt.
I'm close, Sax.
How close? [DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
Holy shit, Mer.
This is the best crazy-person room I've ever seen.
Nick, look at this place.
The woman is on the pipe.
So let's unravel this.
Sonny Shiny has got kompromat on Blue's lawyer.
And? And God only knows who else.
High-level politicals, and cops, media.
I think the proof is on these tapes.
This could be Ban Ki-moon face-fucking a chicken.
Secretary General of the United Nations.
I knew that.
Gosh, Mer, seems like you've got enough evidence in this room to bust everybody in this town but Sonny Shine.
- You don't get it.
- No? This is how he runs his empire.
The people on these tapes protect him.
- Uh-huh? - That's why he can't be touched.
He goes down, they go down.
It's his armor, Sax.
Without it, he's naked.
That's the only thing I've been able to picture for the last three hours.
Sax, we can take him down.
Oh, "we" can? Huh.
So that maybe somebody can get their police badge back? Huh? I mean, really, that's what this whole thing is about it.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - It was Do you have any idea how long this took me to build? I'm trying not to think about that 'cause I don't want to believe you're crazy as a fish with tits.
Now, look, I want this Mitch-Mitchell-looking motherfucker just as bad as you do.
But I ain't getting involved in nothing unless I know we got the goods.
Now these tapes of yours look at me.
Are they what you say they are? I wouldn't have gotten you involved if I didn't think we had a shot.
Well, you can stop thinking about me.
Start thinking about Hailey, 'cause she is the one priority.
She is the only priority.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Oh, shit, I was supposed to pick her up from school.
[STAMMERING.]
Stop, stop.
Under, under, under.
- I saw it.
- Down.
Jackass.
[SIGHS.]
[CLOCK TICKING SOFTLY.]
- [SIGHS.]
- There she is! [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Hailey, hey.
You ready to roll? What's that shit on your face? I'm repentant.
Okay.
Time to go.
I can't.
I have to meet my math teacher to get my syllabus.
It'll only take ten minutes.
Pretty cool.
Rabbit's foot? Wonder what happened to the rest of him? It's for luck.
Well, not so much for him.
[CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC.]
Tell you what, you do your thing and I'll meet you right back here.
Okay.
Ladies, I'm Nick Sax.
I need to talk to you about your, uh equipment.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Didn't think you would show up - without the bitch squad.
- I don't need them.
Let's make this quick, I have piano at [BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I'm gonna eff you until you love me! [YELPS.]
Let me go! [FABRIC STRETCHES.]
[SINISTER MUSIC.]
[CHOKING.]
Help! Help me! [SQUELCHING.]
[DISTANT SCREAMING, GROANING.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Hi.
You almost got hurt back there.
Aren't you a lucky little girl? [CHUCKLES.]
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING.]
Haven't seen you around here before.
- Who's your kid? - Big guy.
We're just visiting.
[GRUNTS.]
A little old, don't you think? He's young at heart.
Hey, how come you're the only imaginary friends here? Hailey's last school was full of them.
Between bullying and the internet, kids grow up fast here at St.
Melanie.
We're like white tigers around here.
A dying breed.
Eh, all right, Poindexter.
Make that piece of shit work.
We have no idea how high this thing goes.
Anybody could be on those tapes.
[BETAMAX PLAYER WHIRRING.]
[GEARS GRINDING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING, MOANING.]
Ah! A sex tape? Oh, fuck! - I don't believe it.
- Me, neither.
Look at that thing.
God, I hate the universe! Not, it's supposed to be blackmail.
- [GROWLS.]
- Where's Ban Ki-Moon? Where's where's the fucking chicken? Ah, baby! Bebe! [LAUGHING.]
- [HOWLING.]
- You got the wrong tapes.
Don't pin this on me, sister.
- You got bad intel.
- I did not.
These were the only tapes in that house.
Here's a thought for you: Maybe these so-called "blackmail tapes" only exist in the shit-nut yarn room in between your ears.
[INDISTINCT HOLLERING.]
- Fuck! - This is why I didn't want to be involved in your freak show in the first place! Oh, baby! - Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! - [BABBLING.]
What was that thing you said you had to do? - Math class? - Doesn't matter.
I took care of it.
I bet you did.
You know, we can talk about it.
Like your mitzvah? Fair enough.
Um ready to blow this clam bake? All right, you grab the cart.
It'll be weird if I do it.
Hey, hey, let's go.
[DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
Been a long day.
So you know.
[GRUNTS.]
- Nick? - Yeah.
Being your friend is complicated.
Yeah, you know, I mean, relationships are complicated.
That's the bitch about growing up.
Uh, come on, time to sleep.
- Good night, Nick.
- All right.
[WHISPERING.]
Man, she looks good.
Well, maybe I shouldn't.
Eh, maybe just once for old time's sake.
[GEARS GRINDING.]
- Oh - Oh, oh, oh! Ma [SIGHS.]
- Ah, fuck it.
- [GOOFY BABBLING.]
[BOTH SCREAMING, GRUNTING.]
Oh You can do it, Sonny! Yeah! Oh, oh, oh! - [STATIC.]
- [SNORING.]
[GROANS, YAWNS.]
Lucky eyes watch the sunrise.
[EXCLAMATION.]
What the ? [SINGING IN GERMAN.]
Deutschland, Deutschland Ãber alles Ãber alles In der Welt Holy guacamole, it's Dayglo Doug! Who the fuck's Dayglo Doug? Es stets zu Schutz [CROWD CHEERING.]
Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
New private school? 8,000 per quarter.
Believe it or not, I'm counting on Nick.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
The kids will wait here until you sound the horn.
Then they run out to the eastern meadow.
[MUFFLED HOLLERING.]
I have removed all of the skin from your body.
I will determine your time of death down to the hour.
Call the goddamn Feds.
Take the goddamn deal.
I I've seen it happen a thousand times.
Guys can't take the pressure.
They just crack.
Let's go ahead and kill the idiot.
[ALL GRUNTING.]
You're Blue's personal lawyer, Geno.
I would love to know what you and Sonny had to talk about.
He's got blackmail on everyone.
It's on video tape.
He knows what people wish for.
The dark stuff.
The stuff they don't even tell their shrinks about.
Tell me where he keeps the tapes.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CHOIR SINGING.]
This joyful Eastertide Away with sin and sorrow My love, the crucified Has sprung to life this morrow I thought they were only supposed to do that on Ash Wednesday? It's kind of a regular thing here.
Some girls need a lot of repenting.
[CHOIR SINGING.]
What's the matter? Haven't you ever been to mass before? - No.
- That explains it.
Explains what? Why Santa picked you.
You have sin in your heart.
Remember that you are dust.
[SLOWED SPEECH.]
And to dust you shall return.
[ECHOING.]
This is gonna pinch.
- Just a little.
- [WHEEZING LAUGHTER.]
You could be little forever.
[DRILL WHIRRING.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
- [HOLLERS.]
My thumb! You broke my fucking thumb! You goddamn little [DING.]
Shot of bourbon, shot of tequila, Bloody Mary back, and a pineapple juice for the lady.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[THROATY SIGH.]
That ass is thicker than a bowl of porridge.
"That ass" is someone's daughter.
Uh-huh.
Somebody's mama, too, I bet.
All right, Le Dic, what the hell are we doing here? You know I'm trying to stay sober.
Make changes in my life.
I can see that.
Moved out of that apartment-sized Petri dish you called a home.
You got yourself a summer shirt that makes you look like an unemployed homosexual.
Fatherhood becomes you, Nicky.
How's the missy? Hey, Hailey's great, you know.
She's starting her first day at her new school You sound like a goddamn wet nurse.
I don't give a fuck about your daughter's school.
I'm here to talk shop.
I got a job for you.
- [WHISTLE BLOWING.]
- Flag on the play.
This is a direct violation of the bylaws.
"Consorting with a criminal element.
" I wanna thank you for your offer, but as I told you before - I'm out of the game.
- Attaboy, Nick.
No.
You told Nick no killing, maiming, battery, bribes, blackmail, fraud, kidnapping, carjacking, or arson.
Yeah.
I had to stop at nine on account of your handicap.
The job I got for you is a simple B and E.
Bacon and eggs? Sign me up! "Breaking and entering," you say? - I do say.
- So why are you talking to me? There are plenty of "B and E" guys out there.
There sure are, but none as good as you.
Oh, stop with the flattery.
I can't help it, you're the best.
I am pretty good.
No, not "pretty good.
" The best.
Like James Bond.
Only better 'cause you're American.
All right, everything you say is true.
Even still, fact remains I got a daughter now.
Can't do it.
It pays, Nicky.
- 2K.
- Don't do it, Nick.
I know we need the money for Hailey's school but it's not worth your soul.
My soul ain't worth $2,000.
Yes! My soul is worth $3,200.
- Hmm.
- Final offer.
[WAILING.]
No! Details in here.
Dead drop's at the shipyard, 1600 hours.
Go with God.
You broke Father Eddie's thumb in two places.
What do you have to say for yourself? It was an accident.
[IMITATES BUZZER.]
Wrong answer.
- How old are you, Hailey? - Almost 11.
Well, that's practically a grown-up.
I hold grown-ups accountable for their muck-ups, but Jesus gives us another option: repentance.
I'm sorry.
Better.
Oh, there, now.
First day at a new school.
No friends.
You feel isolated.
It's only natural.
Here.
Read this.
[AUSTERE MUSIC.]
"Zipporah cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it.
" Oops! Wrong place.
Hang on.
Proverbs.
"Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe.
" That means you mustn't act out in fear, Hailey.
It may seem we're all alone.
Nevertheless, there's someone watching us.
Protecting us.
[PHONE DINGS.]
Hmm.
I haven't seem you smile like that since Bell Biv Devoe made the big comeback.
I got a nice text, that's all.
- You got laid.
- Dr.
Reddy, he can hear us.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Out like a light.
Now dish, sister.
I met somebody.
He's pretty great.
[GIDDY LAUGH.]
Okay, I've got to drain the monkey, so I'll be right back.
You rinse him out, and then I want to hear everything.
Okay? [CHUCKLES.]
[UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC BUILDS.]
[BLOWS.]
[LENGTHY STRETCHING NOISES.]
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ECHOING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALARM SOUNDING.]
[WATER GUSHING.]
[COUGHING, GAGGING.]
Amanda, what are you doing? You're drowning him! What's the matter with you? [EXCLAIMS.]
Timmy, wake up! - - [ELEGANT MUSIC.]
And so, for 40 days, Jesus took to the desert with no food and no water.
Nothing to distract him from asking, "Am I ready to die for what I believe in?" I'm only sorry that my husband's hay fever was so severe he couldn't be here today.
But I know what he'd say to all these beautiful boys and girls.
"Imagine you were Jesus starving in the desert for 40 years.
" - Boo! - [CROWD BOOING.]
And now, imagine how happy Jesus would be if he had all these yummy treats to eat! Yay! [APPLAUSE.]
Happy Easter! Go, go, go.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[CHILDREN CHEERING.]
[MEN VOCALIZING.]
[CHILDREN CLAMORING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[HOARSE GASP.]
- [CHILDREN SHRIEKING.]
- [GASPS.]
[ALL GASPING, CHATTERING.]
[SCREAMS CONTINUE OVER TV.]
[SIGHS.]
I'd forgotten how much I love working with children.
Mm, those puffy white marshmallow minds.
So corruptible.
You're a true gem, Smoothie.
Although never mind.
- What? - Nothing.
No, no, please.
I thrive on feedback.
Well, why dark chocolate and not milk? I mean, it's America's favorite.
Kids can't get enough of the stuff, and frankly, neither can I.
I'm afraid that you would find the detail of my execution and planning rather tedious.
Be that as it may, dark chocolate has a higher melting point than milk fat-based chocolate, and that assists with cauterization.
But more important and forgive me for my admittedly high-minded flight of fancy dark chocolate was the original food of the gods.
The Greeks called it marta Should have gone milk! Oh, well.
On to the next.
I have a few ideas I'd like you to get started on.
I'm afraid that isn't possible.
I have something I need to attend to this afternoon.
Really? May I ask what that is? It's personal.
Smoothie, you have no personal life.
That's what makes you special.
Little bunny eye.
It's so cute.
I want one.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY, LAUGHS.]
I'm just joshing ya! You little so-and-so! [LAUGHING.]
I don't.
You, take the afternoon, all right? Company morale, that's what I say.
Bright-eyed and cotton-tailed tomorrow, Smoothie! The show must go on [TELEPHONE RINGING, BEEPS.]
Mr.
Shine, I have Kap Gostynski from the network? More golf.
We were able to recover four of the veneers.
The remaining ones should pass through his stool comfortably.
Timmy's mom and dad say they won't press charges.
Oh, thank heavens.
But they're not happy campers, Amanda.
Timmy almost drowned.
- I hate to do this, but - Doctor, please.
I think you need to take, you know, some time off.
Long time off.
You're firing me.
They're gonna kill me on Yelp for this, Amanda.
You don't give me any choice.
- Yelp? - [SIGHS.]
You know all right.
- Ten years.
- Hmm? I did everything I was supposed to do.
Raised my little girl alone.
It was never about me.
I had to be strong for her, for everyone.
- I was the rock.
- I love The Rock.
Now there is something inside me, you know? Something I don't understand.
I think maybe I'm done being everyone's bitch, Dr.
Reddy.
Maybe it's time for someone else to pick things up for a change.
Okay, okay.
Real good.
So if you can just drop off your keys, that I don't understand what's happening to me.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Amanda.
- [GASPS.]
Uh - May I? - Of course.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Hmm? Feels like we're breaking our promise to Hailey.
Well, we're not.
You heard Le Dic.
We're not killing, maiming, battering, bribing, blackmailing, defrauding, kidnapping, carjacking, or - Arsoning.
- Exactly.
So if it ain't on the list aww, crap.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
"B and E" my balls.
But don't you ever feel bad about taking peoples' stuff? Like like, picture them coming home and being like, "Whoa, where's my stuff?" You know, I I've been grading you on a curve because, I mean, it's hard going from being a little girl's imaginary friend to a big strong man's imaginary friend, so let me be candid about what I expect from somebody in your position.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I don't want a mother.
I don't want a wife.
And I definitely do not want a conscience.
I had two of them three things.
It wasn't fun.
But what I do want is a partner.
Ah-nuh [WHISPERS.]
Silent partner.
You know, someone who's gonna be there when I need him and disappears when I don't.
And I really feel that that arrangement, gonna be beneficial for both of us.
Right, this is all for my benefit.
You see, right there.
Already, you're growing.
- That was sarcasm.
- I did sarcasm? Yeah, you did and very well.
Now flutter aside.
[GASPS, EXHALES.]
Come in, noodle.
You must be the new pool boy.
My husband said you were coming by.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
As I live and breathe.
Happy, do you know who that was? - Bebe Debarge.
- Who? Only the last great movie start, that's who.
"Operation Bim-bot," "Bride of The Blob," She was the gym coach in "Jacuzzi Police.
" Happy we're robbing Hollywood royalty.
Ms.
Debarge, I'm your biggest fan.
Oh, do you know my work? Oh, yes.
I owned the poster.
You know, the one of you in the gold bikini tossing your hair.
I'm sure I can't recall.
I used to admire it nightly, if you know what I mean.
Oh.
I never tire of hearing those stories.
Well, your husband's a lucky man.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, I'm a lucky woman.
Oh, are you.
Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa! Holy sh I mean, jeepers! Poor guy.
Imagine having to lug that thing around all day.
I don't have to imagine, Hap.
Uh, yeah, Nick.
I've seen it.
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
[MUSIC DARKENS.]
Happy, Bebe's husband is BOTH: Sonny Shine! [MACHINE BEEPING SLOWLY.]
[HOARSE GASP.]
[HOLLERS.]
[STAMMERING.]
[GROANING.]
Morning, Scaramucci.
I was kite surfing at Lake Atitlán in Guatemala over the holidays superb conditions so I didn't get the chance to make your acquaintance.
Warden Kilpatrick.
Seems like you've been taking advantage of some of our extracurricular activities.
Sodomy.
Sodomy.
Murder.
Sodomy.
[GRUNTS.]
[STAMMERING.]
What happened? I was gonna ask you the same thing.
I'm sure you understand, it's hard to imagine how one guy fought off six members of the Dimitrov crime family.
Vasiliev's skull was cracked against the toilet seat [BLOOD DRIPPING.]
Popov drowned.
He had enough water in his lungs to kill him ten times over.
- Ivanov - [SCREAMS.]
The Lebdevs? - [GRUNTING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
All of them [IMITATES SLICING.]
At the same time.
I I don't know.
Amnesia's common around here.
[GATE BUZZES.]
You've got a visitor.
Your niece.
- [GATE OPEN.]
- Maybe she can jigger a memory or two loose.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
You got five minutes, Detective.
No, no, absolutely not.
Get away, get away.
[CHILDISH VOICE.]
But, Uncle Blue, I came all this way to give you a hug.
Ah! - How's it going? - [GROANS.]
You want me to fluff a pillow for you? Get you some ice chips? Fuck you, Meredith! Like a daughter, I treated you.
I know.
I owe you big time.
- That's why I'm here.
- [SLAPS HAND.]
How's the deal with the Feds coming along? Not looking good, I hear.
Go to hell.
Geno Sarcuzzi.
I'm sure you recognize Shine Tower.
Attorney-client privilege ain't what it used to be, huh? You trusted him.
He belongs to Shine.
I spoke to Geno earlier today.
There's no deal, Blue.
- But - [HOLLERS.]
You can make one with me.
- Give me Sonny Shine.
- Oh, Merry.
I would rather die in here than suffer the shame of owing you anything.
- [YELPS.]
- Good luck with that.
[COUGHING, GROANING.]
Fuck! When I get out of here, Merry and I will Ah! I'm gonna cut you to ribbons! - [COUGHING.]
- Okay, just calm down.
Get off! Get off.
There, there, now.
We're not going anywhere.
[MACHINE BEEPING QUICKLY.]
- [SINISTER MUSIC.]
- No, no, no [GROANING.]
- Ah! - [THUDDING.]
Ah Get on the ground! Get on the ground now! Even as Jesus hung dying on the cross, he offered comfort to Dismas, the Penitent Thief beside him.
Leading him into the kingdom of Heaven and making Saint Dismas the first saint.
Can anyone name some other saints? What about Saint Nick? Nice, Dagny.
Sister, how did Saint Nick become Santa Claus? That's a good question.
Saint Nick was the bishop of Myrna, but he always took care of the town's children.
[CHILDREN HUMMING "JINGLE BELLS".]
I know we all love Christmas, girls, but now's not the time to Oh, what the hey.
Oh what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh, hey Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open [DARK MUSIC.]
You, me, under the bleachers.
5:00.
Psycho.
Our mom said she has PMS-D.
Don't look at me like that.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC.]
Mmm [GROANS.]
[GAGGING.]
[VOMITING.]
[GROANING, GASPING.]
[CONNIVING MUSIC.]
Damn it.
No way Sonny's shvantz is that big.
I should have guessed this was Sonny Shine's house.
He's always got the coolest stuff.
If you want it, take it.
We can't steal from Sonny Shine! He's a beloved childhood icon! He's a virus made of sewage.
Agree to disagree.
Look, Hap, remember what I said what I want out of an imaginary friend? - [SIGHS.]
- Hmm? - "A silent partner " - Mm-hmm.
"Who helps you out when you need him - and disappears when you don't.
" - Exactly.
So keep your eye on Bebe.
Let Daddy go to work.
Bentgrass, wind North-North-West, seven miles per hour.
Humidity [SNIFFS.]
- 65%.
- Ugh, I know.
My hair's been so frizzy lately.
Look, Louis, you know I'm a straight shooter, so I'm gonna level with you.
The Network loves you.
Sonny Shine plus Easter, total slam dunk.
But we're bumping on some of the specifics.
Really? It's a pretty standard script.
It's seven hours long.
There's over 300 roles in it.
Well, we can get that down a scosh.
[FRANTIC BLOWING.]
And then there's the language.
Not the cursing so much, but we're not supposed to say "Chinaman" anymore.
Well, didn't get that memo.
Your script uses it 34 times.
All in reference to George Takei, who is of Japanese descent.
[CLUB WHACKING BALL.]
What if we cut out the last 60 pages? [IRRITATED MUTTERING.]
But that's the climax! The three magic wishes! We don't need them.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Kap [GRUNTS.]
Mulligan.
The three wishes are the crux of the whole piece.
They're a little pat.
[GRUNTS.]
Mulligan.
They're not pat.
They're classics.
[GRUNTS.]
And they speak to the child in all of us.
The secret longing that we all have.
Surely even you [GRUNTS.]
Must have some unfulfilled wishes.
[LAUGHS.]
Please, Sonny.
I run the third-largest network in the nation.
I have more money than I know what to do with.
My wife and mistresses are, well, not friends, but on good terms.
I have everything a man could wish for.
What about the things a man shouldn't wish for? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[CLUB WHACKS BALL.]
You know, the ones that keep him awake at night, or come to him in his dreams.
I mean, surely even you must have one of those, Kap.
Whoa.
Ooh-la-la.
This room is très exotique.
Well, thank you.
I'll pass the compliment to Otho, my decorator.
[GASPS.]
You can see me? Well, of course, my little piglet.
Haven't we met before? Riding the green fairy with Price Rainier at The Coconut Grove? The Green Fairy.
Green Fairy.
I don't know who that is.
Well, butter-bean, who do you know? Uh, do you know Hailey Hansen? I can't say that I do.
Oh, we were together for ten years, - but that ended recently.
- Aww, there, there.
Well, you came to the right place, darling.
Oh, Bebe knows all about I mean, all about heartbreak.
La grande tristesse.
I have a new partner now, but it's not the same.
He can be a real prickly pear.
"He"? Oh.
Well, that's okay.
Bebe's open-minded.
I mean, I care about him, I do.
But there's something holding me back.
It's it's her.
[SIGHS.]
It's Hailey.
You're looking at it the wrong way, poodle.
You see, in this life, everyone is searching for something.
[MYSTERIOUS JAZZY MUSIC.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- Ah, yes.
Something.
Searching for happiness.
Searching for meaning.
Searching for a higher power, searching for God.
Well, guess what? There is no meaning, no happiness, no God.
Just the human connection.
Each other.
If Hailey doesn't want you, the hell with her! [LAUGHS.]
Find your connection somewhere else.
[SCOFFS.]
I should have been a TV detective.
[WOOD CREAKING.]
Take it from Bebe.
You see, I have been married - seven times.
- Seven? Lady, you must be great in in the kitchen.
There was Johnny, Jimmy, Joey, Rudolph, Henry, Mario, and now Louis.
And you know what? I loved each one of them dearly.
[GRUMBLES.]
In fact, I keep all of their rings here on a chain.
Jackpot.
[ITEMS CLATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
How do I get one of these? Kegels.
Each one of these rings represents a brand new chapter in my life.
That's the key to happiness, kiddo.
Keep moving, man.
[PLAYING CHEERFUL PIANO MUSIC.]
Gray skies are gonna clear up Put on a happy face Brush off the clouds and cheer up Put on a happy face? Take off that gloomy mask of tragedy It's not your style You look so good that you'll be glad You decided to smile [SCATTING.]
Pick out a pleasant outlook Or stick out that noble chin Wipe off that full-of-doubt look And slap on a happy grin BOTH: And spread sunshine All over the place And put on your happy face [CACKLES.]
Come on, come on! [UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[HOLLERING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey! [GRUNTS.]
[WIRE VIBRATES.]
Sir, let go of Mr.
Shine's penis.
I can explain.
[GRUNTING.]
- [HEAD IMPALES.]
- Sorry.
- Hold it! - Stop! [PEPPY EXCLAMATION.]
[SLOW JAZZY FLOURISH.]
Whoo! Ya-hoo! Huh! [PANTING.]
Huh? Ah-ha! [GRUNTING.]
[TASER CRACKLING.]
[TASER CRACKLING.]
[JAZZY FLOURISH.]
[JAZZY FLOURISH.]
[LAUGHS.]
[TASER CRACKLING RHYTHMICALLY.]
[GROWLING.]
BOTH: And spread sunshine All over the place And put on a happy - Put on a happy - Hap-hap-happy BOTH: Put on A happy face Ha! [MEN GURGLING.]
And spread sunshine All over the place And Ah [CHUCKLES.]
Put on a happy Face [SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS.]
Ooh [EXCLAIMS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
- Looking for these? - [ITEMS CLATTER.]
Beta? How the hell am I supposed to play these? Gave up on Sonny Shine, huh? [SARCASTIC MIMICKING.]
"Keep our head down.
- Play it day by day.
" - Yeah, well, what about you? I thought you were "out of the business.
" I was until someone sent Le Dic to recruit me.
You knew I needed money for Hailey's school.
You used me, Mer.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I did.
- Yeah.
'Cause you're the only one I can trust, you asshole.
You know, I really wish I could trust you, Mer.
I really do, but every time I try, I'm the guy who winds up with a knife in my back! I don't recall it being a knife, Nick.
And I think it was up your Silent partner.
Now, this very simple B and E of yours, it turned out not to be quite so simple.
Few guards showed up.
And? And I'm standing here with the tapes.
You do the math.
Damn it, Sax.
I want this guy so bad.
And deep down, I know you want it, too.
You can deny it all you want, but this fucker took your daughter.
- La-la-la Not listening.
- Mer.
I know that there is nothing you want more than to see Sonny Shine put away for life.
What the fuck are you talking about, "put away"? I want to tear him apart with my bare hands.
I want to feed his balls to him, and guess what? It's really not that down deep inside.
It's right on the surface.
But I'm a family man now, so you're on your own.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what is on these tapes.
My guess, jack shit.
And you don't gotta pay me for the job.
Let's just chalk it up to back rent.
Hey, by the way, next time you want a locksmith, try the fucking yellow pages.
Yeah, so long, skirt.
I'm close, Sax.
How close? [DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
Holy shit, Mer.
This is the best crazy-person room I've ever seen.
Nick, look at this place.
The woman is on the pipe.
So let's unravel this.
Sonny Shiny has got kompromat on Blue's lawyer.
And? And God only knows who else.
High-level politicals, and cops, media.
I think the proof is on these tapes.
This could be Ban Ki-moon face-fucking a chicken.
Secretary General of the United Nations.
I knew that.
Gosh, Mer, seems like you've got enough evidence in this room to bust everybody in this town but Sonny Shine.
- You don't get it.
- No? This is how he runs his empire.
The people on these tapes protect him.
- Uh-huh? - That's why he can't be touched.
He goes down, they go down.
It's his armor, Sax.
Without it, he's naked.
That's the only thing I've been able to picture for the last three hours.
Sax, we can take him down.
Oh, "we" can? Huh.
So that maybe somebody can get their police badge back? Huh? I mean, really, that's what this whole thing is about it.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - It was Do you have any idea how long this took me to build? I'm trying not to think about that 'cause I don't want to believe you're crazy as a fish with tits.
Now, look, I want this Mitch-Mitchell-looking motherfucker just as bad as you do.
But I ain't getting involved in nothing unless I know we got the goods.
Now these tapes of yours look at me.
Are they what you say they are? I wouldn't have gotten you involved if I didn't think we had a shot.
Well, you can stop thinking about me.
Start thinking about Hailey, 'cause she is the one priority.
She is the only priority.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Oh, shit, I was supposed to pick her up from school.
[STAMMERING.]
Stop, stop.
Under, under, under.
- I saw it.
- Down.
Jackass.
[SIGHS.]
[CLOCK TICKING SOFTLY.]
- [SIGHS.]
- There she is! [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Hailey, hey.
You ready to roll? What's that shit on your face? I'm repentant.
Okay.
Time to go.
I can't.
I have to meet my math teacher to get my syllabus.
It'll only take ten minutes.
Pretty cool.
Rabbit's foot? Wonder what happened to the rest of him? It's for luck.
Well, not so much for him.
[CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC.]
Tell you what, you do your thing and I'll meet you right back here.
Okay.
Ladies, I'm Nick Sax.
I need to talk to you about your, uh equipment.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Didn't think you would show up - without the bitch squad.
- I don't need them.
Let's make this quick, I have piano at [BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I'm gonna eff you until you love me! [YELPS.]
Let me go! [FABRIC STRETCHES.]
[SINISTER MUSIC.]
[CHOKING.]
Help! Help me! [SQUELCHING.]
[DISTANT SCREAMING, GROANING.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Hi.
You almost got hurt back there.
Aren't you a lucky little girl? [CHUCKLES.]
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING.]
Haven't seen you around here before.
- Who's your kid? - Big guy.
We're just visiting.
[GRUNTS.]
A little old, don't you think? He's young at heart.
Hey, how come you're the only imaginary friends here? Hailey's last school was full of them.
Between bullying and the internet, kids grow up fast here at St.
Melanie.
We're like white tigers around here.
A dying breed.
Eh, all right, Poindexter.
Make that piece of shit work.
We have no idea how high this thing goes.
Anybody could be on those tapes.
[BETAMAX PLAYER WHIRRING.]
[GEARS GRINDING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING, MOANING.]
Ah! A sex tape? Oh, fuck! - I don't believe it.
- Me, neither.
Look at that thing.
God, I hate the universe! Not, it's supposed to be blackmail.
- [GROWLS.]
- Where's Ban Ki-Moon? Where's where's the fucking chicken? Ah, baby! Bebe! [LAUGHING.]
- [HOWLING.]
- You got the wrong tapes.
Don't pin this on me, sister.
- You got bad intel.
- I did not.
These were the only tapes in that house.
Here's a thought for you: Maybe these so-called "blackmail tapes" only exist in the shit-nut yarn room in between your ears.
[INDISTINCT HOLLERING.]
- Fuck! - This is why I didn't want to be involved in your freak show in the first place! Oh, baby! - Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! - [BABBLING.]
What was that thing you said you had to do? - Math class? - Doesn't matter.
I took care of it.
I bet you did.
You know, we can talk about it.
Like your mitzvah? Fair enough.
Um ready to blow this clam bake? All right, you grab the cart.
It'll be weird if I do it.
Hey, hey, let's go.
[DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
Been a long day.
So you know.
[GRUNTS.]
- Nick? - Yeah.
Being your friend is complicated.
Yeah, you know, I mean, relationships are complicated.
That's the bitch about growing up.
Uh, come on, time to sleep.
- Good night, Nick.
- All right.
[WHISPERING.]
Man, she looks good.
Well, maybe I shouldn't.
Eh, maybe just once for old time's sake.
[GEARS GRINDING.]
- Oh - Oh, oh, oh! Ma [SIGHS.]
- Ah, fuck it.
- [GOOFY BABBLING.]
[BOTH SCREAMING, GRUNTING.]
Oh You can do it, Sonny! Yeah! Oh, oh, oh! - [STATIC.]
- [SNORING.]
[GROANS, YAWNS.]
Lucky eyes watch the sunrise.
[EXCLAMATION.]
What the ? [SINGING IN GERMAN.]
Deutschland, Deutschland Ãber alles Ãber alles In der Welt Holy guacamole, it's Dayglo Doug! Who the fuck's Dayglo Doug? Es stets zu Schutz [CROWD CHEERING.]
Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]