Happy Endings s02e03 Episode Script

The Neckercisor heats all the key neck muscles for maximum neck fitness.
¿I mentioned you've got a great pair of abs bottom your neck? Bye bye Muffy neck.
You'll be thanking me.
**** **** isn't it stupid, right? Oh yeah, big time.
But thanks to that **** I landed my firm the Neckercisor account is doubling our business.
Penny have saved the day.
************ Penny do you realize that's not a normal thing anyone should ever use? Honey, don't use a negative statement, ***** the conversation.
It's something we learnt in our couple's improve class.
(All groan) Calm down.
The rules of improv are totally applicable to relationships-- Support your partner, never say "no," always say "yes," and For example, I am a doctor performing a very dangerous surgery.
Yes, and I am a nurse admiring your medical integrity.
So it's not the comedy kind of improv.
Oh, this is a lot better than when you were doing couples yoga.
(Tv playing indistinctly) This is a weird super bowl party.
I mean, trust me, I was against couples' improv at first, but once I got there, I discovered I was a natural.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
(Nasal voice) I think we should go to the moon.
(Normal voice) It's Kennedy.
(Man) - Hey, take it easy.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Crowd scoffs) This will not do at all.
I couldn't find a parking spot.
It is so crowded in here.
What is that thing on your neck? Don't care.
Back to my thing.
(Pounds table) What is going on at Emma's? Oh, Emma's made the "time out Chicago" hot list, so it's full of tourists.
Ugh.
Tourists ruin everything-- This place, The Vatican.
(Penny) Not all tourists are bad.
In fact, one very special tourist will be joining us tomorrow-- My mom.
Ohh.
What?! Dana's coming? Awesome.
She makes everything better.
Oh, my God, you guys, look at this text she just sent me recently.
"Sail the oceans of your dreams "and be the discoverer of great places.
Happy Columbus Day.
" Damn.
She even makes Columbus Day sound cool.
I love my mom.
We're like the gilmore girls, but we came first, so we're better, plus my mom's this cool touring cabaret singer as opposed to whatever mom gilmore did.
- Uh, she worked at an inn.
- She worked at an inn.
With her best friend Sookie St.
James.
They talk so fast on that show.
and that is why I am one of the few people who can say they played sudoku with Neil Sedaka.
(All laughing) God, the life of an artist is so exciting.
Well, you're an artist now, too.
I love that you and Brad are taking that couples' improv class.
- Mm! - And, Alex - Uh-huh? - Is there something a little bit different about you today? No.
Just, uh, doing some neck work.
(Squeaking) Yeah.
Do you know that historically, men prefer a specific neck-to-shoulder ratio? - That's not true.
- Well, I think you've never looked better.
Hey, Davey.
You look a bit down.
Why so sad en la fache? Well, my food truck didn't make it onto "time out Chicago's" hot list.
Ohh! Robbed.
I know.
All the food trucks-- They have some kind of ethnic flair.
What do I have to offer? I'm just a boring white guy.
Davide, America is a melting pot, correct? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.
Why don't you go on one of those ancestry web sites and do a little research? You never know what kind of chunks might be floating around in your stew.
You're right.
Maybe it just so happens I have some unidentified stew chunks.
So what are you doing in town? Well, I don't wanna make a big deal out of it, but I've got a huge gig-- Opening act at the Eastcomm Arena! (All gasp) - What?! - God, it sounds like things are going so great.
(Whispers) - They are.
- Doesn't Chris miss you when you're on the road though? (Normal voice) Oh, you know how your stepdad is.
After seven years, he's used to it, and he's got his own stuff going on.
- Still doing the whole cash-for-gold thing - Sure.
And loving every minute of it.
Oh, my God, Penny Hartz.
I just had the best idea.
What? You, me, singing at the Eastcomm Arena - together, just like we used to - Yeah.
- When we had our singing duo! - Yes! "Two Hartz beat as one.
" Until you got remarried a few times and we were one Hartz, and one Hartz-Hoffman-Johnson beat as one.
Well, that's a heck of a lot better than "two Hartz beating as one Johnson.
" (All laughing) It is shorter, though.
I'm thinking chicken for lunch.
Yes, and steak.
- Yes, and pork.
- Okay, that's not a meal.
You can't have pork and steak at the same time.
You're not the king of england.
(Imitates British accent) Oh, maybe I can.
Let them eat cake.
That's Marie antoinette, and that's France.
Can you stop with the couples' improv, please? No, to keep our edge, we need real world practice, okay? Our final performance is next week.
Oh, cool.
Put me down for no tickets.
Uh, hey, uh, table for three.
All right, let me just get your name, and it looks like the wait will be an hour and 45 minutes.
- Great.
An hour and 45 minutes.
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause of all the tourists in here, huh? Well, I just wanna let everybody know that I will come to your town and eat at your crappy restaurants! - So get used to this face - Yep.
- America! (Brad) - All right, let's go.
- I am never coming back! (Woman) - Excuse me.
Is this a limo tour or something? Limo tour? No-- Yes, and You can experience the city the way the rich and famous do-- In a super old limo.
How much does it cost? Uh, $60-- 60 bucks.
And will this very attractive mixed race couple-- Clearly from out of town-- be-- Be joining us as well? (Both) Yes! And I will retrieve the money from my pocket right now.
- Come on, guys.
- Great.
So that's 60 bucks a head, $80 if your head is larger, which you fall into that category.
Calls 'em as I sees 'em, and what I sees is quite a melon with a visor on.
What a great day with your mom.
I mean, she just inspires everybody, even strangers.
My heart melted when she convinced our cabbie to find his birth father.
Pen, right? Pen? Pen? Oh.
(Chuckles) There you are.
Hi.
You gotta stop using that Necksercisor, Al.
You're just jealous because your neck is skinny, okay? Like the ad says, "you better neck yourself before you wreck yourself.
" I wrote that.
It's nonsense.
You can't "neck yourself.
" Can't I? Can't I, though? (Beep) Hey, Penny, it's Chris.
(Singsongy) - Aw, he misses my mom.
- Hope you're doing okay.
I'm sure your mom told you about the divorce by now, but I hope you and I can still stay in touch.
All right, take care.
(Beep) (Whispers) Oh, my God.
(Door opens and closes) I'm sorry.
Sit down, ladies, 'cause I'm about to blow your minds.
Did some research, and I am 1/16th (Whispers) Navajo.
(Normal voice) Yeah.
Yeah, I'll just give it a minute to sink in.
Oh, Chris is such a jerk.
I never liked him anyway.
Oh, except for that one time he did take us to that cool corn maze at the state fair.
That was legit.
But this is un-legit.
Illegit? Hey, guys.
(Door closes) Dave-o, how did the research go? Pretty great.
I found out that I am 1/16th Navajo.
What? That is the lottery of ancestry.
Mom, can we talk? Ooh, like an old-fashioned Gab Sesh? (Gasps) Is this about your sexuality? Because I just read that scientists have discovered something called the "J" spot.
Now that's three beyond "G," so, you know, you do the math.
(Laughs) Kablowie! - You know what? Actually, guys, give us a second.
- Okay.
- Bye, Dave-Dave.
- Bye.
Look at this cutie.
Look at those purple pants.
Chris left me a voice mail.
You guys are splitting up? Oh! Did I forget to tell you about that? (Laughs) Come on.
I'm moving past it.
This is captain Dana of the "SS Freshstart" telling detective Penny (Imitates British accent) Not to give it a second thought.
- Mom-- (Normal voice) - Oh! Plus I've been too busy (Singsongy) Buying us matching halter pantsuits for our duet.
(Normal voice) Come on.
Sing it with me.
(Both) ? for our duet ? why aren't you doing harmony? (Both harmonizing) ? for our du et ? yeah.
for our duet you know what? That sounded good! I'm excited! Tomorrow night! I'm gonna go try my suit on.
Okay.
- Watch your step, stranger.
- Thanks.
And welcome to Chicago.
Now here's a fun fact-- Chicago was originally nicknamed "The Window City," but another city had that nickname first, so thanks a lot, Omaha.
Really? That doesn't sound right.
Uh, yeah (Stammers) Yes, it is true.
We are from Omaha, - and that - Yeah.
Is a true fact.
We're called "The Window City" because of our famous window museum.
It's a lot of just looking right through To other parts of the museum.
- Oh.
- Mm.
See? I know things.
So let's go see the Sears Tower, huh? And I'll show you how it got its new nickname, "The Beers Tower.
" (Laughter) It's 'cause you're gonna buy me beers there! (Laughs) Yeah.
(Alex) So your mom isn't devastated? No, she's taking it amazingly well.
I'm sorry.
I can't move on until we address this jacket.
Let's do it.
So this is definitely a Navajo thing, and you feel good about that? It's a metaphor.
Each fringe represents a tribe, each bead, a white man's broken promise.
Plus it's reversible.
And this is all helping you with a new sandwich? Yes, and it is great.
Buffalo meat, green chilies, and corn, although I couldn't find the Navajo word for "sandwich," so I'm calling it "seit'aad," which is an actual sand witch.
A real witch who lives in the sand.
She who buries her victims in the many dunes.
Okay, I'm ready to move on now.
Yeah, it's weird.
My mom is, like, totally unfazed by this divorce.
Sounds like maybe she isn't dealing with her feelings.
Okay, aside from the jacket, Dave isn't completely off base here, okay? Sometimes spinning something in too positively of a way can have a negative effect.
Like how you sold me on that Necksercisor, and now I can't move the upper part of my body.
I told you to stop using that thing, like, a hundred times.
- Did you, though? - I don't know.
Maybe you guys are right.
I think you need to get her to be honest with herself, no matter how hard it is.
It's like my people say, "coyote is always out there waiting.
" - Is it like that? - You tell me.
(Laughs) Oh, I got this.
- All right.
- Ohh.
Max, are you actually paying for something out of money from your own wallet? Well, I am flush from giving all those tours today.
Shouldn't we get a cut of that? Your cut is that you're building a strong relationship through improv.
Plus you have money.
Why do you need a cut? It's the principle of the thing.
- Plus maybe I have a boat fund.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
I haven't thought about how my boat will have an antique mahogany steering wheel - and be called "yeah, buoy.
" - Fine.
I'll give you a cut.
Nope.
Improvising.
Keep your head in the game, dudes.
I don't need you guys.
I can do it myself.
No, you can't.
We're the talent.
Watch me, by which I mean, don't, 'cause you won't be there to watch me 'cause I don't need y'all.
Oh, well, then we don't need you as a dinner companion.
Come on, boo.
- You ain't right in here.
- Right in here and in here.
(Instrumental "torn" playing) ? I'm all out of faith ? this is how I feel hi.
I'm cold and I'm ashamed laying naked on the floor jump in! illusion's never changed into some-- (Beep, music stops) - Ah-- - Mom I think we need to have a serious talk.
(Gasps) - Did you find your "J" spot? - Mnh-mnh.
I hope you used a bite stick, because they were very specific about that in the article.
No, we need to have an honest discussion about the fact that you're getting a divorce.
Oh, that.
Come on.
It's for the best.
- Now, listen, let's talk about the show.
So-- - No, no, forget about the show! You and your husband of seven years are splitting up! Excuse me, miss, remember what I taught you? Shouting is bad for your vocal cords, and we have our gig tomorrow, so if you're gonna be angry, you're gonna have to sing your angry thoughts.
Go ahead.
(Sighs) you're not addressing some serious emotional and practical issues I don't know why you're trying to bring me down I'm just keeping it positive but you're delusional, it's like that time you told me we were camping when really we got evicted but you learned how to build a garbage can fire and not every 9-year-old can do that mom, I'm worried about you.
This is the first time you've been on your own in years.
(Scoffs) Aren't you worried at all about money? I think it's time to think about getting a real job.
A real job? I'm playing at the Eastcomm Arena tomorrow night.
Hello.
Really? I want you to tell me the truth about this gig and not like your super positive spin version of it.
okay, it's a boat show but you never know who might be there to give me my big break record execs love boats - ? that's a fact ? - I knew you were spinning it.
well, I hope you leave this negative energy outside tomorrow when we do our duet - ? hey, hoo ? - Stop, stop, stop singing, okay? I'm not singing a duet with you tomorrow at a boat show! Okay? Mom, I think it would be really good for you to face reality.
There's nothing to be ashamed of, but you're 50, and your husband left you, and you have a career that isn't going anywhere.
(Melancholic melody) ? you're right ? what have I done my whole life has been a waste oh, it's good Hello, Max.
How's the tour business? Amazing.
I'm even thinking of expanding, starting a bike tour where I bring people around to show them famous bikes.
Oh, it's terrible.
I brought Scotty in to replace you guys.
It's just been a disaster.
This pedestrian mall that we're standing on right now is actually the site of the great Chicago fire of 1987.
Yes, and I hear if you put your ear to the ground, you can still hear the screams of the victims who are begging God for death.
The people who walked in there that day couldn't have known they were entering a mass grave, which is basically a pile of dead bodies they scoop dirt on top of.
It's not good.
I need you guys.
You're the best improvisers a fake tour guide could ask for.
(Sighs) I mean, you're my Wayne Brady Jane.
And you're my Greg Proops Brad.
- Not that easy.
- You're my Ryan stiles.
Oh-- Uhh! Yes! Oh, thank you, guys, so much for coming.
My mom is in a really dark place, and I know you guys are gonna cheer her up.
Brad, we should do that scene we did in class.
He was a blind magician, and I was a cellist who couldn't use adjectives.
Go.
Where's my rabbit? Describe it to me.
I can't use adjectives.
- Is this my rabbit? - No.
We'll play it by ear.
Hey, mom.
(Laughs) Look.
Everybody stopped by.
You got any more pub cheese and a bigger spoon? (Opening and closing drawers) Everyone wanted to wish you well before your big show.
(All cheer) Break a leg.
It's a boat show, people.
I'm singing at a boat show.
So now you get to perform for people and boats.
No.
I chased the dream too long, guys.
Oh, just once, I wanted that feeling of rushing offstage at Madison Square Garden, waving to my screaming fans as I'm driven away to my private plane.
(Chuckles) I guess I'll just have to settle for being booed offstage at a Bennigans, making my way past truck stop hoes, piling into a shared-ride van destined for Des Moines via crippling loneliness.
(Moaning) Ow.
Well, that is worse than anyone thought.
Uh, I mean, uh, uh, hang in there.
There's a silver lining that is Right around-- Does someone wanna jump in here? Dana, you know what they say.
(Breathy voice) Nizh-oh-nee-ay.
Oh, my God.
Dave, do you think you're a real Navajo now? Made a few friends at the American Indian center.
Have you? - Did that make you cry? - No.
Because you're not a real Indian, David! - Native American.
- Dana, I have a great idea.
What's that, skinny neck? (Gasps) - Don't think the name-calling's really-- - Oh, you want some? You think that improv is gonna save your marriage? Doubt it! Just wait until the laughter dies and all you're left with is pain, regret, and a Netflix account that you don't know the password to! (Laughs) And then there's Max.
Snarky, detached, gay Max.
I don't like it when people-- Well, let's see how cute that is when you're alone at 50.
(Claps hands) Okay, mommy's gotta skedaddle.
She's got a few boating enthusiasts to underwhelm.
(Sighs) Check you later.
What did you do to her? That was like opposite Dana.
You guys are the ones that told me to get real with her.
We didn't say to break her spirit.
I don't like it.
Fix her.
You know how I said I want you guys to do a roast of me? - Please don't.
I can't handle it.
- It's in the works.
Guys, don't feel bad.
She's just acting out.
Alex, I think your neck looks jacked.
Dave, you are 1/16th Navajo, and don't let that white woman take that from you.
Brad and Jane, building a stable marriage through wordplay is nothing to scoff at.
And, Max, you are just an acquired taste Like goat cheese or Mr.
bean.
Mr.
bean? It was on the fly.
On the fly? Everybody else-- What am I gonna do about my mom, you guys? I broke her.
Do what you just did for us.
Spin the negative into a positive.
I am good at that.
I mean, I got that from her.
So-- So what you're saying is I need to pull a Dana.
I need to turn a garbage can fire into a 55-gallon s'mores machine.
Is that what I'm to hear? If any of that metaphor means making your mom feel better, then (Whispers) Yes.
You guys don't think I'll be alone at 50, right? Oh, come on.
You're not gonna make it to 50.
(Dana, amplified voice) ? illusion never changed ? into something real I'm wide awake and I can see my perfect sky is torn you're a little late ugh, Natalie Imbruglia-- She gets it.
(Music stops) We are a little late, aren't we, boatists? And then next thing you know, your perfect sky's torn.
Yeah, just like the ozone.
Why doesn't anybody ever talk about that anymore, huh? It's kind of a big deal.
Talk about boats! - We're all alone! - Not always.
- You came? - Mom, I totally screwed up.
I should never have criticized your positivity.
It inspires people, like how you told me I could have any job Barbie had.
I've had three so far.
Because of you, I'm a positive person, too.
It's why I'm good at my job and why when I was in that convenience store robbery, I just kept thinking, hey, at least I'm on tv, because I was, and I looked great.
- You sure did.
(Whispers) - Yeah.
But you know what? I think I could stand to be a little less of a dreamer, pen.
Oh, mom, it's what makes you special, and it's why everybody loves you, and it's why We all spread the word about the hottest show in Chicago.
- Here we go! (Gasps) - You guys came after all those things I said? Brought all these people to a stupid boat show? We wanted the old Dana back, - and boats aren't stupid.
You know why? - Why? They allow you to sail the oceans of your dreams and be the discoverer of great places.
(Both, amplified voices) Happy Columbus Day.
Come on.
Let's not leave the people waiting.
Now th lady right there-- That's a real famous singer.
(Massachusetts accent) And she often entertains at our family compound in Hyannis Port.
(Massachusetts accent) You want dueling Kennedys? You've got dueling Kennedys.
Martha's vineyard.
Cuba.
I thought I saw a man brought to life he was warm he came around (both) ? and he was dignified ? he showed me what it was to cry well, you couldn't be that man I adored you don't seem to know or seem to care what your heart is for (gasps) but I don't know him anymore there's nothing where he used to lie the conversation has run dry that's what's going on (cheering) ? nothing's fine, I'm torn ? I'm all out of faith this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn you're a little late I'm already torn all right.
(Cheers and whistles) (Penny) I'm torn.
Torn.
(Cheering) - Take a bow.
- Okay.
(Max) Miss Hartz, your private plane awaits.
(Squeals) (Cheering) No photos, please.
Very important.
No, please.
I don't wanna be on camera.
(Blows kiss) Oh, no, honey.
There's already a boat called "yeah buoy.
" No! Ugh! Guess I'm gonna have to rack my brain for days thinking of a new-- "Buoys on the side.
" Uhh! (Alex) Oh, what about "let's hear it for the buoys"? (Brad) Oh, that's adequate.
(Dave) How about "buoys in the hood"? (Penny) - "Backstreet buoys"? - Guys, these are all great ideas, but I cannot afford all these boats.