Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e03 Episode Script
The Devlin Made Me Do It
Guys, look.
l'm Superman, and l can fly.
l'm Spider-Man, and l can climb walls.
l'm Garfield, and l hate Mondays.
-Lookit, l'm Devlin.
-Who the hell is Devlin? He's the greatest stuntman who ever lived.
-Devlin's a loser.
-Yeah.
l'll show them.
Devlin's no loser.
And neither am l.
Oh, man.
Loser.
Hurry.
Hey, you know, if you want to just borrow it bring it back later.
Stupid helmet.
-Any time! We need this? -''Evidence, do.
'' No.
Peanut, have you ever seen any thingies on Avenger? Swingy thingies? Diddle-diddle-dee.
You mean, num-num-- -Juniors, yeah.
-Nope.
There's got to be something here somewhere.
Maybe they're retractable.
Wait.
l think l see a panel.
Harvey, there's an Ernie Devlin here-- Take a seat.
Bring it.
So, Mr.
Knevlin, what brings you here? -You ever heard of imitatable acts? -Good movie.
Esther House.
Some stupid kid decided to imitate my deep ravine jump.
Ravine.
Yeah, whatever.
They say these kids see my stunts on TV and they go out and try to do them.
You ever heard of something so stupid? Yeah, l've broken it all.
Arms: six times.
Leg: 12 times.
Clavicle, ribs.
Country Club.
l broke the.
-Ass.
-You can break that? lt says right here, ''Diagnosis: Fractured ass.
'' Esther House.
Which reminds me, Birdman, you're.
Ernie Devlin? lt's me, Phil.
Ken.
Seb.
Ben.
-Phil.
-l didn't know you knew each other.
-Yeah, from my time at the carnival.
-Bearded lady.
God, the times we shared.
-Get this catheter out of me! -l almost forgot about that.
You know, this man's forgotten more about pain than you'll ever remember about pain.
About forgetting about.
-Wait.
He can't feel pain? -No, he feels pain, just not that kind.
So, if l were to do something like.
He laughs at that.
-That.
-How about this? For God's sake, we'll be here all night.
Give me that thing.
You're killing him ! Contact.
We ride.
See you, nutmeats.
Very nice to meet you.
Hi.
Good to see you.
Hi, there.
That guy's a jerk.
-Freezoid.
-Hey, Harvey.
Stan, l was thinking about a settlement.
Mr.
Freezoid? Harvey, come on, did you see that poor kid? The condition he's in, it's all because of.
Stan Freezoid.
All because of the incredibly irresponsible behavior of your client.
Bobby? You, there.
What's your story? l'm Ernie Devlin, and l don't question it.
l like that.
Don't budge, l'm taking your mind.
Mind encryption perhaps? Metal plate.
Scungee river jump, '76.
Your parachute deployed too early and you crashed on the rocks and-- Mr.
Birdman? Harv, he's faking it.
l'm watching him scratch his nose.
Look.
No, he stopped.
No, wait.
That was a twitch.
l'd like to call little Bobby to the stand.
Raise your right hand, please.
That's good enough.
Have you ever watched that program where they fix up a Victorian home? Yeah, sure.
After watching that program, did you feel like fashioning a window box or hanging drywall? No.
Or when you see someone on TV driving a luxury German automobile a sexy model in the passenger seat, do you want to do the same? Yes.
Bobby, isn't television safe for the good kids? The ones who go to bed on time and don't file frivolous lawsuits.
The kids who understand our simple voluntary TV rating system.
TV-Y, TV-Y7, TV-Y7 FV for Fantasy Violence! How much clearer can we make it, Bobby? Bobby who can stand! -You saw him scratch his nose? -Yes.
When they were prying his wheelchair off the truck, he went like.
Mr.
Devlin, would you-- Would you say-- Your Honor-- This is completely-- l'll freeze your ass! Do you hear me? Death! -Sorry.
What? -That's okay.
Would you please tell me what is this? lt's my hot-meat-sandwich mix.
Old Dirty Carny.
Now, that's advertised during your show, isn't it? And that's a show targeted to children, right? -Kids like meat.
-Yeah, sure.
And this.
Yeah, that's my theme park Devland.
Would you say, Mr.
Devlin, these rides are appropriate for children? And one more.
What about this? '"Ernie Devlin lnstructional Home Video Series.
'" Yeah.
''Vol.
1 : Wheelies.
'" ''Vol.
2: Bus Jumping.
'" ''Vol.
3: Fundamentals of Stock Market lnvesting.
'" And here's the interesting one: ''Vol.
4: How To Jump A Ravine On Your Bicycle.
'" ''Comma Bobby.
'' Mr.
Devlin, there are safety lessons on each one of those tapes, aren't there? -Yeah.
-Of course there are.
And remember, kids, always wear your helmet.
They don't need no helmet.
Ernie, we did peer pressure last week.
You know what, kids? No matter what anybody tells you, sex is better without a-- Jimmy.
l'm so drunk right now, Sandy, you ain't a half bad slice of.
ls it hot in here? Or was l just engulfed in flames? And broads.
Water.
l'm gonna win! lf we can just keep der Spuzzmocker off the stand.
-Who? -Spuzzmocker.
The Tapir.
The one who waxed Hitler.
He's after me.
There's an animal trying to kill you? Odd-toed ungulate who speaks German.
Come on! Ernie, tell me a little bit about your prescriptions.
Azusa, '72.
Local doc gives me something for the pain and sweats, but not for the rash.
Pretty soon l had scripts from all over the Four Corners region.
Some fake, some with a modest copay.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury who doesn't love the carnival, the laughter of children the smiles of the toothless ride operators? But what about the tears? The tears of a stuntman when no one's around? We never said, ''Mr.
Trickrider ''l know you busted your ankle last night so don't bother entertaining me tonight.
'' We demanded that he do it again until he was so broken so pumped full of pills that he lost touch and encouraged children to mimic his stunts.
ls he guilty? He's crazy guilty.
But more importantly, he's crazy.
My client is not guilty by reason of insanity.
Excuse me.
An insanity defense can only be used in criminal cases.
Yeah, fine.
-Ernie, l'm sorry we lost the case.
-That's all right.
Me and Bobby worked out a deal.
Whenever he wants to, he can ride my bike.
And his lady.
Three-minute egg.
Give me that! Your egg? Wait.
That's it! Remember the rash of thefts from the community fridge? Vaguely.
You see, apparently he was worried someone was going to steal his lunch.
So he put it under the bird for safekeeping.
So, my friend you're not a single parent expectant mother after all.
Jesse? English
l'm Superman, and l can fly.
l'm Spider-Man, and l can climb walls.
l'm Garfield, and l hate Mondays.
-Lookit, l'm Devlin.
-Who the hell is Devlin? He's the greatest stuntman who ever lived.
-Devlin's a loser.
-Yeah.
l'll show them.
Devlin's no loser.
And neither am l.
Oh, man.
Loser.
Hurry.
Hey, you know, if you want to just borrow it bring it back later.
Stupid helmet.
-Any time! We need this? -''Evidence, do.
'' No.
Peanut, have you ever seen any thingies on Avenger? Swingy thingies? Diddle-diddle-dee.
You mean, num-num-- -Juniors, yeah.
-Nope.
There's got to be something here somewhere.
Maybe they're retractable.
Wait.
l think l see a panel.
Harvey, there's an Ernie Devlin here-- Take a seat.
Bring it.
So, Mr.
Knevlin, what brings you here? -You ever heard of imitatable acts? -Good movie.
Esther House.
Some stupid kid decided to imitate my deep ravine jump.
Ravine.
Yeah, whatever.
They say these kids see my stunts on TV and they go out and try to do them.
You ever heard of something so stupid? Yeah, l've broken it all.
Arms: six times.
Leg: 12 times.
Clavicle, ribs.
Country Club.
l broke the.
-Ass.
-You can break that? lt says right here, ''Diagnosis: Fractured ass.
'' Esther House.
Which reminds me, Birdman, you're.
Ernie Devlin? lt's me, Phil.
Ken.
Seb.
Ben.
-Phil.
-l didn't know you knew each other.
-Yeah, from my time at the carnival.
-Bearded lady.
God, the times we shared.
-Get this catheter out of me! -l almost forgot about that.
You know, this man's forgotten more about pain than you'll ever remember about pain.
About forgetting about.
-Wait.
He can't feel pain? -No, he feels pain, just not that kind.
So, if l were to do something like.
He laughs at that.
-That.
-How about this? For God's sake, we'll be here all night.
Give me that thing.
You're killing him ! Contact.
We ride.
See you, nutmeats.
Very nice to meet you.
Hi.
Good to see you.
Hi, there.
That guy's a jerk.
-Freezoid.
-Hey, Harvey.
Stan, l was thinking about a settlement.
Mr.
Freezoid? Harvey, come on, did you see that poor kid? The condition he's in, it's all because of.
Stan Freezoid.
All because of the incredibly irresponsible behavior of your client.
Bobby? You, there.
What's your story? l'm Ernie Devlin, and l don't question it.
l like that.
Don't budge, l'm taking your mind.
Mind encryption perhaps? Metal plate.
Scungee river jump, '76.
Your parachute deployed too early and you crashed on the rocks and-- Mr.
Birdman? Harv, he's faking it.
l'm watching him scratch his nose.
Look.
No, he stopped.
No, wait.
That was a twitch.
l'd like to call little Bobby to the stand.
Raise your right hand, please.
That's good enough.
Have you ever watched that program where they fix up a Victorian home? Yeah, sure.
After watching that program, did you feel like fashioning a window box or hanging drywall? No.
Or when you see someone on TV driving a luxury German automobile a sexy model in the passenger seat, do you want to do the same? Yes.
Bobby, isn't television safe for the good kids? The ones who go to bed on time and don't file frivolous lawsuits.
The kids who understand our simple voluntary TV rating system.
TV-Y, TV-Y7, TV-Y7 FV for Fantasy Violence! How much clearer can we make it, Bobby? Bobby who can stand! -You saw him scratch his nose? -Yes.
When they were prying his wheelchair off the truck, he went like.
Mr.
Devlin, would you-- Would you say-- Your Honor-- This is completely-- l'll freeze your ass! Do you hear me? Death! -Sorry.
What? -That's okay.
Would you please tell me what is this? lt's my hot-meat-sandwich mix.
Old Dirty Carny.
Now, that's advertised during your show, isn't it? And that's a show targeted to children, right? -Kids like meat.
-Yeah, sure.
And this.
Yeah, that's my theme park Devland.
Would you say, Mr.
Devlin, these rides are appropriate for children? And one more.
What about this? '"Ernie Devlin lnstructional Home Video Series.
'" Yeah.
''Vol.
1 : Wheelies.
'" ''Vol.
2: Bus Jumping.
'" ''Vol.
3: Fundamentals of Stock Market lnvesting.
'" And here's the interesting one: ''Vol.
4: How To Jump A Ravine On Your Bicycle.
'" ''Comma Bobby.
'' Mr.
Devlin, there are safety lessons on each one of those tapes, aren't there? -Yeah.
-Of course there are.
And remember, kids, always wear your helmet.
They don't need no helmet.
Ernie, we did peer pressure last week.
You know what, kids? No matter what anybody tells you, sex is better without a-- Jimmy.
l'm so drunk right now, Sandy, you ain't a half bad slice of.
ls it hot in here? Or was l just engulfed in flames? And broads.
Water.
l'm gonna win! lf we can just keep der Spuzzmocker off the stand.
-Who? -Spuzzmocker.
The Tapir.
The one who waxed Hitler.
He's after me.
There's an animal trying to kill you? Odd-toed ungulate who speaks German.
Come on! Ernie, tell me a little bit about your prescriptions.
Azusa, '72.
Local doc gives me something for the pain and sweats, but not for the rash.
Pretty soon l had scripts from all over the Four Corners region.
Some fake, some with a modest copay.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury who doesn't love the carnival, the laughter of children the smiles of the toothless ride operators? But what about the tears? The tears of a stuntman when no one's around? We never said, ''Mr.
Trickrider ''l know you busted your ankle last night so don't bother entertaining me tonight.
'' We demanded that he do it again until he was so broken so pumped full of pills that he lost touch and encouraged children to mimic his stunts.
ls he guilty? He's crazy guilty.
But more importantly, he's crazy.
My client is not guilty by reason of insanity.
Excuse me.
An insanity defense can only be used in criminal cases.
Yeah, fine.
-Ernie, l'm sorry we lost the case.
-That's all right.
Me and Bobby worked out a deal.
Whenever he wants to, he can ride my bike.
And his lady.
Three-minute egg.
Give me that! Your egg? Wait.
That's it! Remember the rash of thefts from the community fridge? Vaguely.
You see, apparently he was worried someone was going to steal his lunch.
So he put it under the bird for safekeeping.
So, my friend you're not a single parent expectant mother after all.
Jesse? English