Haters Back Off (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
Today, I'm gonna be singing a song, 'cause I'm a singer.
A three, a two, a three, two, one.
Give my regards to Broadway Remember me to Herald Square Tell all the gang at 42nd Street That soon I will be there You've never sounded better, Miranda.
What the heck? That's not even me! - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
That's an impostor! If there's one thing I hate, it's impostitution.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wonder if there's a tiny, little version of me out there somewhere.
Uncle Jim, focus! Oh, Miranda, calm down.
It's not like Broadway is gonna see this, think she came first, then invite her to New York City, and then she's gonna become a legend instead of you.
Oh, my God! That could happen! We have to stop her! What do we do? [GASPING.]
It says contact her on Twitter.
- What's a titter? - I don't know! - [SCREAMS.]
What happened? - [SCREAMS.]
She hacked our system! - Oh, God! - [BETHANY.]
Yes, I did.
The computer will remain unplugged until you two go in the living room and clean up the clutter.
- What? - [GASPS.]
Bethany, we are trying to protect a multimedia international celebrity who is under attack by an impostor.
But you're right, we should focus on the clutter.
[HUFFS.]
I mean it.
You two have to clean up the living room.
You are so bossy now.
"Clean the living room," "fix my van," "flush your toilet.
" [GRUNTS.]
It never ends! You are lucky your liver's broken or I would never agree to this.
Kidney.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
You are testing my patience.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, clean, huh? Not mine.
- Not mine.
- Watch out! Oh, not mine.
- Okay.
- You think this is mine? No.
- [MIRANDA.]
Not mine.
- [JIM.]
Not mine.
- Mom, I made you a smoothie.
- Thank you, sweetie.
You're gonna be excited about what we're doing.
We're cleaning the house.
Do they know that? I told you things were gonna change around here.
- Done! - Now turn the Internet back on, Mom.
No.
The Internet will not be turned back on until you clean up this house, because that's what I said.
And when you say the things you said, then you stick to those things.
And I'm the mom.
Well, I'm the Miranda and I say I already cleaned everything up! And I'm the Uncle Jim, and I say we'll be getting our Internet elsewhere.
This is mine, and it goes right there.
Miranda, let's go.
Don't touch anything.
That is your sweater, Jim.
That is definitely your sweater.
What sweater? Where? - Bitch, you think this is my sweater? - Yes.
Let's see it.
Yes, it is my sweater.
- Thank you, Bethany! - Clean this up! Oh, it's too warm for a sweater.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- [SIGHS.]
That was so intense.
But I did it.
I unplugged the computer.
[GAGS.]
What is that? Fruit.
No, thank you.
[GROANS.]
[PATRICK.]
Username, @MirandaSings.
[SIGHS.]
It's so not fair.
She gets MirandaSings08 and I just have to have plain old MirandaSings? It's okay.
Maybe one day we'll think of a number to put after your name.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
Do you know what you want your first tweet to be? I've been doing some research, and I think the best tweets have three fundamental components.
- Did it.
- Oh.
"I am mad because someone else is posing to be me on Twitter.
" So good.
Miranda, this little girl stole your likeness.
This is no time for subtlety.
Patrick, take this dictation.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
@MirandaSings08, you think you're so good.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, I've got news for you.
You're not.
You're just a lousy, has-been loser with no friends.
Take down this video or we will find you and make you.
Hashtag, you're going down.
Ooh.
[SIGHS.]
That tweet's too long.
There's a limit on this thing.
Fine.
Uh, take out the boring words like, uh, "the.
" Yeah.
Or "with," "no.
" All that middle chunk right there, take it out.
Okay.
Read it back to me.
"@MirandaSings08.
You're so good.
" Ah.
Um, "We have lousy, has-been loser friends.
" Take down your video or we will find you and make you.
Hashtag, "you're going down.
" - Perfect.
- Tweet! - Oh, that was amazing.
- That was wonderful.
- Oh, no.
- What? - She blocked you.
- What? - Tweet her again.
- I can't.
Fine.
I'm gonna go home and use that computer before she blocks us there.
Hashtag, genius.
Oh, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
[SIGHS.]
Well, second worst.
I bit on a chip today the wrong way.
I hate when that happens.
There's still a chunk of it left in my gums.
You could've done that song so much better than her.
Yeah, obviously.
She's terrible.
Then why don't you? And show everyone that you're the real Miranda.
Did you not hear what I said? I have a chip stuck in my gum.
[SIGHS.]
That's right.
I forgot.
[SUCKING.]
Wait, wait.
[SUCKING.]
[COUGHS.]
[SWALLOWS AND GRUNTS.]
Got it.
Salty surprise.
Let's go! Emily, I have to go to work.
I'll be home later.
Actually, you don't have to go in today.
I called in sick for you.
Oh, but I'm not sick.
I mean, I have some organs failing, but that's different.
It's just easier for me to keep an eye on you this way.
Okay.
I'll get dinner started.
- No need.
I already took care of it.
- What do you mean? Tonight we're having kale, chia seeds and cauliflower salad.
Seeds and flowers? Emily, I'm not a ladybug.
This video's gonna be amazing.
Patrick, get the props.
Where's the camera? I'm looking for the camera.
Have you seen it? I know it was in here before we left.
Everything moved! What the heck? Mom, where'd you put the camera? They're gonna mess up everything.
It's okay, Mom.
Just ignore them.
This abrasive cleaning product could add atmosphere.
It says "Dangerous to breathe," but it'd look great on camera.
Oh! On second thought, why don't we go into your room where it's quieter? Mmm! Tastes like pine and poison.
Why am I crying? Oh, no, you didn't! Oh, no, you did not! Jim, what are you doing? Bethany, there is an impostor on the loose! I found her friends, but now I'm in a Twitter war with them, because they turned out to be a bunch of bullies.
Hashtag, real men cry.
- Jim, you can't talk - Oh, oh! They posted a link to the chat room.
Does anyone know how to set up a webcam? I might.
- In high school, I was in the - No, okay.
[LAUGHING.]
Ladies.
[CHOMPING.]
The lighting is much better in here.
Are you done? Let's see.
Oh, you got some ball dust on your face.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Did I get it? Still a little Now? Here.
[BLOWS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sorry.
I gotta adjust the, uh Yeah, okay.
And - [VIDEO CAMERA BEEPS.]
- action.
Oh.
Oh.
Give my regards to Broadway Mia broke up with him and now he wants to go out with Lilly, but Lilly won't do it because Hey, girls! Who is that? It's me, Uncle Jim.
I don't know if you've heard, but one of your friends is posing as Miranda Sings.
I need your help so I can go to her house.
Ew, creep! What? No.
No, I'm not a creep.
I told you, I'm an uncle.
Get out of here, creep.
Would a creep know Miranda's exact measurements? Height, 5'6".
Waist, 27.
Leg, 30.
Other leg, 28.
- We're signing off.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! Would a creep have a jar of Miranda's baby teeth? Hmm? - That's not creepy.
- Gross! You're disgusting.
You're a perv! No, you're a perv! Jim, who are you talking to? See what you've done? You've woken up my roommate! Tell all the gang at 42nd Street That 12-year-old's career is over.
Mom, don't steal my balls! Well, I'm starving! Emily won't let me eat anything.
- [EMILY.]
Mom! - Mmm? Come here.
- Did you put junk food into your mouth? - No.
- Mom.
- Yes.
- Spit it out.
- [SIGHS.]
What did I tell you about eating processed foods? Mom, what did I tell you about eating processed foods? [SIGHS.]
Not to.
"Not to.
" That's right.
Now come on.
It's time for your doctor's appointment.
You've already got, like, 200 comments.
Really? [SIGHS.]
You don't need to read these.
What are you doing? Get out of the way.
Let me read my comments.
What are you doing? Move! What? "Fake," "copycat"? They think I'm copying her? [JIM.]
Miranda! Miranda! @MirandaSings08 is a sly one, but I have several clues for how to find her.
[CHUCKLES.]
She posted another one? Ugh, she looks like garbage! That's me! Oh, my God! Are you even you? What? No, it's me! It's me, Uncle Jim.
Look, it's me! That's what she'd say.
That's also what I would say! It's me, Uncle Jim.
Let's measure.
[EXHALES.]
Thirty-two.
Phew! It is her.
- Obviously! - [PATRICK SIGHS.]
God, look what she's doing to us! Just calm down, okay? I have a plan.
While spying on these bullies from the chat room, I heard them talking about our target performing in a talent show today, which is our best bet to catch our impostor.
I've narrowed it down to seven schools having talent shows.
And it gets better.
On closer inspection, we find a pencil from the dentist.
She goes to the dentist? [SCOFFS.]
What a loser.
[LAUGHS.]
I know.
Now, she's not old enough to drive, so she must have walked.
Fact.
The average person can only walk 15 minutes.
All we need to do is find all the schools within 15 minutes of dentists.
Looks like Ava goes to Cedar Falls Middle School.
[STUTTERS.]
Uh, yes! I knew that.
Uh, which one of my clues led you there? I already know.
I'm just curious.
Maybe you can enlighten everyone else.
Oh, this one here where she's wearing a T-shirt that says, "Proud student of Cedar Falls" Cedar Falls Middle School.
Yes.
- Uncle Jim, you're a genius.
- Thank you.
All we need to do is find the impostor, figure out what she knows about Broadway and then expose her as a fake on stage in front of the entire school.
She thinks she can go to Broadway and become a legend in my place, she's got another thing coming.
[LAUGHING.]
I love it.
Let's go.
Perfect.
Oh, but I think that Miss Bethany took the van to the doctor? [SCOFFS.]
That figures.
We're in the middle of a crisis and Bethany goes to the doctor? She's such a brat! Patrick, you're pedaling us to the van.
You all want to get on my bicycle again? Yep, we're going.
It's only seven miles.
Let's go! [SIGHS.]
[BETHANY.]
She's worried about me, and it's really very sweet.
But it's also a little overwhelming.
So, I think you need to let her know, from a medical standpoint, that it's stressing me out, and it's doing more harm than good.
Actually, you're doing quite well.
Your blood work hasn't changed.
Your numbers are stable.
What? No.
You need to look at your clipboard again, because I think you'll find she's making me very sick.
Whatever Emily's doing seems to be working.
She's making me eat seeds.
I mean, what if one grows inside me and it comes out? I saw Alien.
Did you see Alien? Bethany, it's not so unusual that a child would like to mother a parent in a time of need.
You should listen to your daughter.
Let her take care of you.
Relax, avoid stressful situations Enough socializing, Bethany.
I need the van to expose a child.
- Oh, dear.
- You guys.
- We're in the middle of an appointment.
- No, it's done.
- Mom, give me the keys.
Come on.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
How are we supposed to get home? Oh, don't act like you're stranded.
You guys can hitchhike.
- No one is hitchhiking.
- [PATRICK.]
I'm sorry to interrupt, but we gotta get going if we wanna make it on time.
Raise your hand if you're hitchhiking.
- You're not hitchhiking.
No.
- What? I'm confused.
Are you hitchhiking or not, Mom? - Yes.
No? - No.
- She's not hitchhiking? - No, she's not.
Okay, come We need to go.
Are you hitchhiking or staying? No, I'm not hitchhiking.
Thank you.
Then we gotta go.
Come on, Emily, out.
- Out, out, out.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
[MIRANDA.]
Thanks for wasting our time, sir.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
All right.
This is the little girl we're looking for.
Her name's Fern and she's a 12-year-old impostitute.
Keep an eye out for her.
"Impostor.
" "Impostitution" is the adverb.
I think it's a noun.
That's what I said.
She's an impostitute.
Well, do you know her? I mean, why is she dressed like you? Because she's pretending to be me.
Why would she do that? Because I'm famous now! Where have you been, Mom? All right.
I got the duct tape and rope.
Let's go expose a little girl.
No.
Um, let's just stay and listen to music.
Yeah? Looks good.
Perfect.
[MIRANDA THROUGH SPEAKERS.]
Feeling stressed, Uncle Jim? Just imagine you're next to a waterfall.
[MAKES GURGLING NOISES.]
Do you hear the water? [GURGLING CONTINUES.]
How relaxing.
Now, breathe in.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Breathe out real hard.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
[WHISPERING.]
Here she comes.
I'll be right back.
Wait right there.
[WHISPERS.]
Okay.
[JIM.]
Hello, young lady.
Congratulations.
You've just won Student of the Month.
The plaque ceremony is right here in this bathroom.
- [FERN.]
Huh? - [JIM.]
Yes A-ha! We got you, copycat.
Oh, my gosh! You're Miranda Sings! I'm about to perform as you in my talent show.
Wanna come? Ha! You're not gonna perform anywhere, little girl.
- Tie her up.
- Give me that.
Would you prefer a bowline or a square knot? Patrick, just tie her up! A tiller's hitch won't cut off circulation.
Why are you tying me up? Is this for a video? That's hilarious.
Okay, I'll be asking the questions here.
Have you heard from Broadway? Did they contact you? What do you know? - What? - Answer the question.
Is this a game? I don't get it.
Quit changing the subject.
What has Broadway said to you? - Nothing.
- [GROANS.]
She's a tough cookie.
I don't think we're gonna crack her.
Fine, we'll have to go to part two of our plan.
Get ready to get exposed, little girl.
You're gonna love part two.
- She's not very good.
- No, she's not.
She's not you.
- Why are her shoes so loud? - Well, those are tap shoes.
- What? - They're for tap dancing.
What's tap dancing? It's what she's trying to do right now.
- Oh, I thought that was ballet.
- No, no.
- You're almost up.
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
I'm sure you're gonna do great.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I know last time you were on a stage, you got laughed at and humiliated, and your whole family left you.
But I'm sure this time I'm sure you'll be fine.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
I have to poop.
Mmm-hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What? Oh, there you are.
I pooped in the prop toilet! Wha Why would you do that? I thought it said "poop room"! [GASPING.]
Okay.
Okay.
Don't panic.
I've been through this before.
We simply walk away.
If anyone asks, we were at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Okay.
Good.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Occupied! Occupied! I need the bathroom set for the bully skit.
[MIRANDA AND JIM WHIMPERING.]
Of course.
Of course.
We'll have it right out to you.
One empty toilet coming right up.
Just give us a minute, yes.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, my God! What're we gonna do? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Think.
Think, Jim, think.
Okay.
I have an idea.
I am going to poop on top of your poop.
That way, they'll blame me, and no one will know you're under there.
Oh, thank you, Uncle Jim.
You're a real hero.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- Here.
I'll close my eyes.
- Please.
I won't look.
- Have you done it? I don't hear - No.
No? Okay.
- Can you hurry - Stop putting pressure on me, Miranda.
- I'm not trying to - Every time you talk, it goes back up! Do you have any coffee? [MIRANDA THROUGH SPEAKERS.]
Good job relaxing, Uncle Jim.
Now give yourself a little massage.
Squeeze the shoulders.
Squeeze the shoulders.
- Oh, you found a hairy patch.
- Okay.
All right.
No, no, no.
I think I should go in there.
I've seen Jim use duct tape and it's not pretty.
No way.
Somebody needs to stop them.
Well, if you're that concerned, then I'll go.
- No, I can do it.
- No, you can't.
[SIGHS.]
If you don't let me cheat off your test, you get a swirly! Oh, no! Scene! Yeah, scene.
[ANNOUNCER.]
Next up, Fern playing Miranda Sings.
Now! I'm going to tell you all a little story.
I'm gonna tell you a story about a little girl.
A little girl named Fern.
That's me.
I'm Fern.
And I love to impostitute celebrities and steal all their views on YouTube and go to Broadway in their place to become a legend instead of them.
Well, I'm about to blow your minds, 'cause I'm not Fern.
I am a victim of impostitution.
Because I am Miranda Sings! Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Did you hear me? I'm Miranda Sings.
So, hold the applause.
Don't actually hold it.
Do it.
Applaud.
No? Okay.
Hello? Oh, and also, I did not poop in the prop toilet.
I did! I did it! - I pooped in the prop toilet.
- [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
- Stop interrupting me, please.
- Oh, I'm trying to help.
You're not being very helpful right now.
Well, continue, Miranda.
- I am trying to continue, Uncle Jim.
- Well Anyways, since you haters don't believe me [JIM.]
Nor me! Stop talking.
Ignore everything that happened, 'cause I'm about to prove that I am Miranda and Fern is not.
Now, Patrick! [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING.]
This is the impostitute I was telling you all about! [AUDIENCE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, you're that little perv from the chat room last night.
- Ava, you know this man? - [AVA.]
No.
Yes, you do.
I showed you my jar of human teeth.
- What is going on? - Oh, don't worry.
There were lots of other little girls there, too.
Just stop interrupting! Patrick, tie him up! - You need to learn to listen.
- Tie me up? Yes, I'm trying to expose a little girl and you keep talking! And now to prove I'm the real Miranda, Uncle Jim will measure our chests and expose Fern for who she really is.
An impostor.
- No, she's getting away! - [EMILY.]
Miranda, don't! - [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
- Get off me! [INDISTINCT YELLING.]
That's enough! [EMILY.]
Mom, go back to the van! No, Emily! I'm the mother here.
You go back to the van.
Jim, Patrick, stop it! Miranda, get off of that poor little prostitute.
We're going home.
See, everyone? She called me Miranda.
Case closed.
- Now, Miranda! - Okay.
[THUDS.]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]