Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e03 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Okay. We've got to get
this newspaper out
by tomorrow.
How are we doing? Front page?
I've almost finished
my investigative piece
on the water fountains
in the halls.
Some of the fountains
hardly give you any water.
Others squirt
all over your face.
All right, Stinky!
Give it a try.
(SCREAMS)
Thanks.
Good work. Sounds
like an expose to me.
Stop the presses!
I got the story
that's going to rock P.S. 118
at its very foundation.
Here you go,
you odd-headed editor.
Don't change a word.
Helga, did you check
your sources?
Of course
I checked my sources.
Like, four times.
Remember
The Weekly Word's motto,
"All the facts, all the time."
Isn't there any room
in this newspaper
for reporting
on the whole story?
Like, what's beyond the truth?
Principal Wartz got pretty mad
at our last edition
when you said
his best friend
was a squirrel.
Hey! I have pictures
to prove it!
Okay. Let's put
this paper to bed, folks.
We're on a deadline.
(COPIER WHIRRING)
Hot off the presses!
The Weekly Word.
Blasted freedom of the press.
How do you
explain this, Arnold?
"Leftover lunches
used over and over.
"The Lunch ladies feed us
left over food."
Helga said
she checked her sources.
Hey! I did check 'em. Look.
For several days in a row,
I asked the lunch lady
what was for lunch,
and every time she said,
(IN NASAL VOICE)
"Same old thing."
-Helga!
-Arnold, I don't like
this paper sullying
the good name
of our cafeteria.
You better clean up
this scandal sheet post haste
and decide what kind
of paper you're putting out.
Truth or fiction?
HELGA: Every single word
of it was true.
Why? Don't you believe me?
Well, I don't think
it lived up
to the high standards
of The Weekly Word.
High standards? Hah!
Kids don't care
about high standards.
They wanna read
good, juicy stories.
Stories they can
sink their teeth into.
But Helga,
what you wrote isn't accurate.
You can't just
stretch the truth
when it's convenient.
I want our newspaper
to report just the facts.
Facts schmacts.
I think you're jealous
because my stories grab people
more than your stories.
Maybe we should
part ways, copy-boy.
There's room in this school
for more than one newspaper,
you know.
What exactly does that mean?
I think your pansy publication
could use some competition.
I'll show you how it's done.
People will be lining up
to read what I write.
See you
in the funny papers, bucko.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
HELGA:This newspaper is
going to redefine
what journalism is all about.
We're going
to blow the competition
out of the water.
Staff?
Listening.
You provide the pictures
and I'll provide the stories
to go along with it.
You got it, boss.
Start typing the obituary
for a certain football head
and his so-called newspaper.
(LAUGHS)
You know, Arnold,
this just might be
our greatest issue ever.
New bike ride, very popular.
Extra, extra.
Read all about it!
Arnold in love with a tree!
Read all about it
in the Pataki Press.
Only five cents.
She's charging five cents?
Extra extra!
Hot off the press!
Football head loves
an elm tree.
Read all about it!
I do not love an elm tree.
What's Helga talking about?
KID 1: Hey, I want one.
KID 2: I want it!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Helga made that all up
and pasted some pictures
together to make it look real.
Calm down, Arnold.
Everyone knows
it's some dumb,
made-up story.
It's not worth
getting upset about.
What?
"Gerald plays
with little sister's dolls"?
That's not true.
Calm down.
(DOOR OPENING)
It's not worth
getting upset about.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
All right. Enough's enough.
We have to do
something about Helga
and her bogus stories.
I gotta get Sid on the line.
(PHONE RINGING)
(YAWNS)
Gotcha.
We're gonna beat
Helga's bogus stories
with the truth.
This will be
our best issue yet, Gerald.
No made up stories
like in the Pataki press.
Oh, Phoebes. This is
what journalism's all about.
Digging and snooping
for what the competition
has cooked up.
Isn't that unethical?
Who has time for ethics?
We've got a paper to put out.
Let's see.
What's their big story?
"New playground equipment
a huge success." Hmm.
HELGA: Extra, extra!
Read all about it.
The new jungle gym is
unsafe and rusty.
Read the Pataki press.
Only five cents!
That's our story.
How did she
Extra, extra!
Hot off the press!
Arnold doesn't bathe anymore!
Read all about it!
It's not true.
Helga will say anything
to sell a paper.
(SNIFFING)
It's not true, Stinky.
But it must be
on account of we had to pay
a nickel to read about it.
Arnold, don't worry.
We'll get
our revenge. Come on.
I got something to show you.
Gerald, why are we here?
Trust me.
Who was that?
That was Sid. Look.
Wow. Sid took these?
GERALD: Yup. And he did it
with his throwaway camera.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking, Arnold?
Yeah. Sid's getting to be
a pretty good photographer.
No! We can get Helga
with these pictures.
Tell her that if she doesn't
stop publishing
these bogus stories
that aren't true in her paper,
we'll print
these real pictures
in our paper.
But that's blackmail.
Exactly.
I don't wanna do it.
I don't wanna
stoop down to her level.
MAN: So, if we knock
this wall down, boom,
then this wall down, boom,
then the real wrecking work
can start. (LAUGHING)
Boom, boom, smash! (CACKLING)
Phoebe! I've got the biggest
newspaper scoop ever
to hit PS 118.
The school's going
to be closed down
and then torn down.
(PHOEBE GASPS) What? No!
And then,
they're going to build
a huge amusement park here
on this very spot.
I can't believe it.
Believe it.
I have many documents
to prove that it's all true.
An amusement park
instead of a school? But why?
HELGA: Who cares?
This will sink Arnold
and his little do-goody rag
once and for all.
Come on, Phoebe.
We have work to do.
So do we, Gerald.
Come on, let's go see Wartz.
(CHUCKLES) Sounds good.
I'll talk
to the superintendent
and I'll get back to you.
I'll be waiting
for you, my brother.
You got my number. (LAUGHS)
Hey, Arnold!
What's happening,
bro? (CHUCKLES)
Principal Wartz,
what was that about?
Is PS 118 gonna be
knocked down?
Well, the demolition fellas
are gonna be doing some work
(CLEARS THROAT)
on the school.
Oh, dear. Look at the time.
I'm late for an appointment.
How's this, Phoebe?
"The library is to be leveled
"and replaced
by a Ferris wheel."
Construction
of the water slides
Do you think it's really true?
There's only one way
to find out. Come on.
Keep the motor running.
Okay, pal?
Okay. Here's his house.
It's our last hope
to get this story straight.
I already bought cookies
from those other girl scouts.
We're not selling cookies.
We're from
the school newspaper.
Is it true that the school's
to be torn down?
Oh, yes. Walls are going down.
An amusement park is going
to be built in its place?
(CHUCKLES) Who
in the heck told you that?
Sounds like
a childhood dream to me.
But no one's building
any amusement park.
That's crazy talk.
But you said
walls are going down.
Walls are going down because
we're adding to the school.
Building more classrooms.
Really? Can we quote you?
Are you the paper
that cost me a nickel?
No, we're the other one.
The honest one.
Oh, that one.
Yeah, sure. What the heck.
There's no time to lose,
Gerald. Let's go to press!
(TYPEWRITER CLATTERING)
(SIGHS) We did it, Arnold.
We're gonna scoop Helga
with the real story.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Read all about it.
Our school's being torn down
for a new amusement park.
Come on, read all about it!
Can't you comprehend
what I'm shouting
or do you have
gravel in your heads?
Our school's going down
and an amusement park's
going up.
That's not what
this paper says.
Give me that paper.
Wartz says I'm a liar?
You believe this trash?
KIDS: Yeah.
(KIDS CHANTING YEAH)
Nobody believes anything
that's in your paper.
We'll see about that.
Extra, extra. Price reduced.
Only two cents now.
Uh, Rhonda has webbed feet.
Exclusive photos.
Get out of here!
No more lies, Helga.
No more lies.
(KIDS CHANTING "NO MORE LIES")
Why is everyone so upset?
All I wanted to do was
publish good, juicy stories
that dove
deeper than the truth.
You pushed
the truth too far, Helga.
Oh, phooey.
(KIDS CONTINUE CHANTING)
Extra, extra!
Read all about it!
The Weekly Word,
the truth about
what's happening
at PS 118.
Well, this has been
another great issue
of the Weekly Word.
We need the weather
Here's your weather report,
football head.
Today is sunny
and 70 degrees.
Tomorrow, cloudy
in the morning
with increasing winds.
And then a meteor will
black out the sun,
casting the earth
into eternal night.
Heavy sleet and hail will
pour down upon us.
And all will be doomed.
Helga.
Hey, I was just
trying to juice it up.
Facts, Helga. Facts.
Okay, let's get cracking.
We're on a deadline.
(RATTLING)
WOMAN: What's
all that racket down there?
Hey, get that stick
away from my fence!
Hey! You're not
the boss of me!
I can do whatever I want.
You're just a mean old lady
who lives alone
and you're mean!
Hey!
You need to learn
some manners, young man.
You mean old lady!
What are you playing,
your little wussy
kick ball game? (LAUGHS)
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
I wouldn't play
if you asked me. (CHUCKLES)
Hey guys.
Maybe we should ask Harold
to play kickball with us.
Are you kidding?
Harold's the biggest, meanest,
nastiest bully around.
Yeah. I mean, he's a slob.
Yeah. And a bully!
It was just a suggestion.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hey, how come
they didn't ask me
to play with them?
I would have played.
'Cause I always gotta be mean.
Why do I always
gotta be so mean?
Why? Why? Why? Ow.
I hurt my head!
So what if I'm alone?
I don't need nobody
to play with.
I'll just throw
these rocks at
At that trashcan!
Oh, yeah!
This will be great!
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
(WHIMPERING)
Huh, huh!
There's some kind
of animal behind that can.
I'm scared. I'm scared, mommy!
Harold, what's wrong?
That can!
There's a monster
behind that can! (CRIES)
Look, it's just a kitten.
Huh? I knew that.
You were scared.
I'm not scared
of a dumb, mangy cat.
I could beat it up so easy
it's not even funny.
Come on, Harold.
It's just a little kitten.
It must be lost.
Look, it's got a collar on.
I guess we should try
to find the owner.
What do you wanna waste
your time doing that for?
Somebody owns this cat.
Let's look around
for a name tag.
Here, hold him for me.
I don't wanna hold it.
Come on, Harold.
Just for a second.
What if he goes on me?
Dumb old cat.
Probably got fleas.
I hate cats!
(MEWLS)
Sure got funny looking ears.
(PURRING)
And weird colored eyes.
He is cute though.
(KITTEN PURRS)
I mean, in a dopey way.
Well, I don't see
a name tag or anything.
I guess I'll take him home
until we can find the owner.
Whoa. We both found
the dumb cat.
I can take
him home too, you know.
Okay. You take him home
and I'll make up some flyers
and try to find the owner.
Well, I hope you're happy now.
I'm taking you home,
all right?
I guess I'm gonna
have to take care of you
and play with you
and feed you
Feed you.
That reminds me, I'm hungry.
Oh, I feel like a
Like a cup cake.
That's probably 'cause
you look like a cup cake.
All chocolate colored
with that creamy spot
on your chest.
Hey! That's a good name
for you. Cupcake!
You like that?
(MEWLS)
Okay. From now on,
I'm gonna call you Cupcake.
HAROLD: You're so little.
Guess you don't have
anybody in the world.
You're all alone.
No other cats
or nobody to play with.
I know what that's like.
Sometimes I
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
WOMAN: Harold?
What?
If that animal makes
on the rug,
you're gonna
have to clean it up, mister.
All right, all right,
I'll clean it up. (GRUMBLES)
Don't worry, Cupcake.
I'll take care of you.
It's just you and me.
We don't need anybody else.
(INAUDIBLE)
(SNORING)
What did you say, Cupcake?
(CUPCAKE WHINES)
A little faster? Okay.
Whoa, now I'm all dizzy.
Are you dizzy, Cupcake?
(CUPCAKE MEWLS)
How's it going, Harold?
Whoa, pretty good.
I'm all dizzy!
What do you want anyways?
I was just noticing
that you've gotten
pretty close
to that cat we found.
Cupcake!
Right. Cupcake.
Anyway, I just want to remind
you that, sooner or later,
you're gonna have
to give the cat
Cupcake!
Right. Cupcake.
To his rightful owner.
Aw, that will never happen.
Look. Me and Cupcake
gotta go now.
Boy, we sure got
a lot of great cat toys
for you, Cupcake.
I had to use almost all
the lunch money I bilked
out of those second graders,
but you're worth it.
"Found Kitten.
"Chocolate colored
with white spot.
"Call Arn Arnold?"
(YELLS IN ANGER)
Oh, no! That traitor!
Oh. Thurston.
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
Hello. Are you
the nice young man
who found my cat?
Happy anniversary, Cupcake.
It was one week ago today
that I found you.
Wha I mean that,
that we found each other.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh! What now?
Hello?
Harold, it's Arnold.
Listen. Remember
when I told you that,
sooner or later,
the cat's real owner
would show up.
Yeah.
Well She's here.
What are you talking
about, Arnold?
I'm the real owner.
Look, Harold.
I know this is hard for you
but we're coming over
right now to get the cat.
Oh, no. No! You're not
taking Cupcake away from me.
Harold?
(SIGHS) Don't worry.
He'll come to his senses
when we get over there.
I just can't wait
to have my Thurston back.
He's really the only friend
I have in the world.
ARNOLD: "Keep out.
Cupcake is not here.
"Go away"?
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Harold, it's me, Arnold.
We've come for the cat.
You're not
taking Cupcake. He's mine!
But Harold,
the cat's real owner is here.
Where?
Thurston!
I'm right here, baby.
What? That's the mean old lady
that threw water on me!
And you're that rotten kid
that always makes
such a racket.
I'm not giving Cupcake to her.
He's mine! Now go away!
Look, Harold,
if you don't give up the cat,
this could get serious.
Then let it get serious!
ARNOLD: Harold?
Come on, Harold.
This is getting ridiculous.
What's going on here?
Harold! This is
your mother speaking.
I do not want
that disgusting animal
in my house.
Now unlock this door.
His name's Cupcake
and he's not disgusting.
He spends half the day
licking himself.
That's disgusting.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Relax, everyone. Relax!
The police department is here.
This is Officer Pudney
of the local police.
I order you
to come out right now.
Come and get me,
copper lady!
Harold, you have to come out.
The whole neighborhood
is here.
The police are here.
You have to give up the cat.
I'm never giving up Cupcake.
Never, never, never!
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Poor Thurston.
I remember
when he was just born.
He was so little he could
fit in the palm of my hand.
(CRYING) You've got
to do something!
Don't worry, Cupcake.
I'll protect you.
We got enough canned liver
and chocolate chunkies
to last us for three weeks.
Okay.
OFFICER IN HELICOPTER:
Harold Berman!
What?
This is
Animal control Air one.
Come out with the cat
and your hands in the air.
I can't do both.
What? Oh. Well, come out
with your left hand in the air
and the cat in the
Other hand and No.
Put the cat in your left hand,
but keep your right cat
where we can see your Hand.
You're confusing me!
Harold.
Get back, Arnold.
Come on, Harold.
This is out of control.
(KITTEN WHINES)
He's not yours.
He belongs
to Mrs. Ryle down there.
That old lady is
mean and crazy.
She's not crazy.
She's just lonely.
And that cat is
her best friend in the world.
But (STAMMERING)
Cupcake needs me!
Look, Harold,
if you really care
about Cupcake
you should realize
that he must really
miss his owner.
He's lived with her
for his whole life.
She raised him
from the time he was born.
Harold.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Harold, I order you
to come out right now.
(WAILS)
Don't shoot me!
(WAILING) I'm just
a kid with a cat!
Thurston!
(SOBBING) Okay.
I'm gonna give you Cupcake.
Thurston!
Here. (WAILING)
Oh, Thurston.
And here's his plastic mouse.
(SOBBING) And his little
rubber veterinarian.
And his catnip.
(WAILING)
Well, thank you, young man.
I still think
you're a mean old lady.
And I still think
you're a rotten kid.
But I guess if you promise
not to steal him
I'll let you come
and play with Thurston.
Really?
Well, we better be going.
Goodbye, Cupcake.
(THURSTON MEOWS)
(THURSTON PURRS)
That was a really nice thing
Harold did.
Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of sweet
how much he loved that cat.
Kinda makes you rethink
Harold a little.
Maybe we should ask him
to play kickball with us.
Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Uh, not today.
Maybe next week or something.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)