House of Fools (2014) s02e03 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 3
# Today's the day that I display my skills as a director # I wrote the script on the wings of this moth, # I only hope it doesn't fly off # # Imagine if it did fly off # # How awful if it does fly off # # Will you look at that prick? # He wrote his script on the back of an effing insect # That's what I said, you heard me right, # On a moth he found on a window ledgea window ledge.
# All right, Dr Corncob? Oh, dear, why do I always lose my scripts? It's so depressing at my age, 36, I bet Scorsese never has this trouble.
No, I bet he doesn't.
I wonder if that's because, like, he doesn't write his scripts on insects? You know what I mean, maybe it's that, you know, he writes on, on something more solid like a van door, or a lathe, something like that? I spilt me, spilt me tea.
It doesn't matter though, does it? You can't say that that matters.
Not really, no.
So, Vic, this script, what was it for? Well, Julie asked me to do it, it's a promotional video, an advert if you like, for the bistro.
Oh, right, shush, shush.
Look, there's Erik on the TV, yeah.
And in showbiz news, Norwegian teen pop sensation Mags Flahonnoman has arrived in the country today, causing mass hysteria amongst people who like him.
His whereabouts are being kept secret by his manager, Don Draper from Mad Men.
That's not Erik, that's teen pop sensation Mags Flahonnoman.
I know, but, wow, he doesn't half look like Erik, doesn't he? He does, doesn't he? Are you sure you didn't have twins? Would you? Yeah, I think I'd like to return the compliment.
There you are, sir.
Erm, excuse me.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, yeah.
Hair, yeah.
Yeah? Something different.
Come on.
You, you've had a metal plate fitted.
I have, I've had a metal plate fitted.
Yeah.
Yeah, I won a scratchcard and I thought I'd treat myself.
I've had a steel plate put in.
Are you finished, by the way? I'm finished, thank you.
Right, well, I better go and tell Julie I haven't got the script any more.
You're going nowhere, fellow me lad, not until you've sorted that moth out in there.
My panties are drying in the kitchen, yeah? And I don't want a moth, like, gnawing at them and licking them, and all that and everything, like that, you know what I mean? All right, I'll go and fettle it with me 12-bore.
No, you won't, Vic.
I don't want my panties covered in shots.
Go on, get in there and sort it out.
Oh! Bad news, Bob.
What, what? Bad news.
What, it really is, isn't it? Yeah.
What, it's not me panties, is it? What, all of them? Well, there's one pair left, you know, your silver ones with "slut" written on the back of them.
Oh, right, my Friday nighters.
Yeah.
And it's grown, Bob, I mean it's really grown.
Yeah? Have a look.
Let me have a look.
It's horribleit's horrible, like .
.
like you.
My sentiments exactly.
Look, it's in there and it can't get out.
We'll just leave it in there until it melts.
Melts? What about my Friday nighters? Oh, shit, I was going to wear them for bums and tums as well.
Well, anyway, I ain't got time to hang around here.
I have to get downstairs and start directing this movie.
Look, excuse me, excuse me.
You've lost your script, haven't you? Gaaaahhh! Yeah, that's hurt, hasn't it? Right, I'll just go and tell her that you've let her down, then.
Ooh, I haven't let anyone down.
You're not going anywhere until you sort out this moth.
It's getting angry.
Oh! I can't wait for Vic any longer, I have to do it myself.
Rightaction.
Hi, I'm Julie.
This is my bistro.
What's my surname? You don't need to know that, you won't be able to pronounce it anyway, it's Czechoslovakian, yeah.
How old am I? I'm 42, I'm 25, she's 71, she could be 18.
Here's someone else.
Hello, everybody, and first of all, a big congratulations to Julie for managing to keep the bistro open throughout the duration of the series, while selling absolutely nothing.
So, congratulations to you, Julie, you twat.
This is my head waiter, Bosh, he gets a little fuzzy in the head because of too much Ritalin.
Bosh, why don't you introduce all these lovely people to the bar area, with a flourish? OK, follow me to the bar area and I'll show you around.
After all, what else are you going to do? Over here, it's a quite simple bar.
In this section here we have beer, wine, spirits, and over here is one of the oldest Oh, I really need a real director, where's Vic? Quick, Vic, the conch.
Summon Beef.
These are our lands, seize their leader.
Whoa, oh, oh, hang on son, who are you? Well, I heard the conch, I just came and did my line.
Oh, are you doing the Captain Cook story in the studio next door? Wrong studio, mate.
Oh, shit, I've been waiting for hours for that.
I bet I've missed me scene now, I came all the way down from Grantham.
Turned down a part in Scott And Bailey as a mischief maker.
Oh.
Tits! Look, look, son, we've got the part of a copper coming up soon, later on in the third act.
You don't fancy doing that, do you? Oh, yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
Yeah.
£32? 20 what? 28 quid.
It's going to pay your fare back to Grantham, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'd love that, yeah.
Oh, good.
There you are.
The only thing is, I haven't had anything to eat yet cos I've been in the wrong studio.
You don't have a luncheon voucher, or? Well, uh, I tell you what, Morgana who plays Julie's just stood out there.
Go and have a word with her and she'll sort you out with a luncheon voucher, take you down to wardrobe and get you all sorted out and kitted out.
Morgana, can you take David down to wardrobe and sort him out with something to eat? Cheers.
Nice enough chap, wasn't he? Yeah, come on, Vic, summon Beef.
These are our lands.
Seize the You did it better that time as well.
No, please, Vic, Vic, come on, summon Beef.
# I'm a soldier I am off to Afghanistan # I just love those Muslim ladies # You'll have to agree just looking at me # They'll be lining up to have my bab-ies.
# All right, Beef? All right, Beef, I love your shirt.
Yes, yes, it's made from camouflage.
Actual woodland bits and pieces.
I'm surprised you can actually see me.
Anyway, why did you summon me with your horn? What is the nature of your crisis? Right, well, you see, the thing is, I've got to get down to Julie's bistro to make a movie.
A movie? Yeah, still pictures that move to depict real events.
You know, I myself starred in several sexual horror films.
Yes, there was The Sexorcist.
Nightie Of The Living Dead, and who could forget Paranormal Sacktivity.
All financed by the impressionist Alistair McGowan, before he went insane.
That's brilliant, very good, Beef.
But the problem is, we've got a monster moth trapped in the kitchen and You know, we thought with you having lived in Africa and that, you might know what to do, you know? There, there, there, there.
That is a very angry moth.
What have you been feeding him? Bob's panties.
Yeah, my panties.
Oh, my God, well, we need to becalm him.
You know what this means, don't you? What? We must remove our panties.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh.
Oooh! Oh, stop it, you two! Get these panties off! Bosh, can you stop waving it around? I mean the camera, not your Little Dorrit.
Right, Julie, WTF, OMG, it's time for you to say stuff, Julie.
What? Action! Hi, I'm Julie, and this is my bistro.
Julie's Bistro.
Julie What's with the tiny hands? It makes the bistro look bigger.
And these.
Right, you open the door, Beef, and I'll throw 'em in, OK? Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
Let me see those panties.
David? Yeah.
Who the hell's David? I mean, your name's Bob, am I right? Yeah, I'm Bob, yeah.
OK, well, who the hell is David? Is it David Walliams? No.
It is, it is.
I thought I heard a noise! It isn't David Walliams! It is! I've seen you looking at pictures of him.
It is not David Walliams.
Listen, I can do an impersonation of David Walliams.
All right.
Would you like to see it? Yeah, I would, yeah.
The computer says no.
No, it's nothing like it.
Yes, it was.
"Co, computer said no.
" It's like that.
No, no, no.
Who was that? Well, would you look, the computer's switched off.
Oh, it's nothing like David! No.
Yes, David Walliams, you know, "computer said no".
With, like a lisp, "computer said no".
It's not, it's like "the computer says no".
No, that's Terry Wogan! That's Terry Wogan, innit? Well, it's the same thing, innit? That's Terry Wogan.
No, they're not the same person.
No, it's not, it's terrible.
Anyway, who's this David? All right.
It's Dickinson? Yeah.
Cheap as cherries.
Oh, listen to me, cheap as cherries.
"It's as cheap as cherries.
" Oh, it's just Wogan again, innit? Anyway, let me see your panties.
Oh, you're kidding.
They're nice.
I bet they cost a fortune.
It's a shame that no-one's ever going to see them though, innit? Yeah, well, you know, I'm not bothered because I know I'm wearing them.
They make me feel really special Yeah, but, they are really small, Vic.
There's not going to be much nourishment in there for the moth, is there? No.
Fear not.
Yeah? Yes? Get a load of this one.
What? Well no-one's perfect.
Now a lot of celebrities dine at Julie's Bistro, such as Barry Gibb.
He's always here, he likes cappuccinos.
This is Taylor Swift, she's a lovely lady but she does tend to block the toilet up every now and again.
Oops, shouldn't say that, should I? This is Tony Robinson and the Time Team.
"I wouldn't mind poking around in your trench", that's their main joke.
Genesis, they come together in their van.
It says, "No tools left in the back of this vehicle overnight", on the back door.
Nothing else much to say about them really, but they're nice lads.
And finally, Alistair McGowan, before he went insane.
Yes, you too could dine at Julie's Bistro with the stars.
How was that, Bosh, what do you think? Was it all right? I don't know, Julie, I wasn't watching.
Right, let's do this.
I'll get the door, Beef.
Quickty.
Sorry, what? Quickty.
Sorry, what, Vic? Quickty, it's me new way of saying quickly.
Oh, right, it's really good, isn't it? Right, I'll get the doorquickty! Hold your horses, who the hell gave you permission to use his word willy-nilly? Oh, well, do you mind, Vic? Well, I was hoping to just keep it for meself, you know, to make meself look cool, you know.
Eg, there goes the Olympic swimmer Arthur Nugent swimming really quickty.
Yeah, oh, I understand, I won't use it, then.
Right, I'm going to do this really quackly.
That's even better, isn't it? Good heavens, that thing's colossal.
It's taken them, it's taken it, it's taken it.
Yeah.
Oh, he's .
.
he's eaten them quackly, hasn't he? It seems calm.
Yeah, but how long till he needs feeding again, Vic? We need more panties.
Hey, Vic.
Yeah, hi, Vic.
Hi.
All right, kids? Erik, I really think you could be a little bit more respectful Yeah, I, I thought.
.
Yeah, I've got Beef round I know how it appears No, I understand, yeah.
You treating me like Yeah, yeah, cool.
Yeah, no, but I, I am after all your father, aren't I? Ooh, ooh.
All right, all right.
You nailed that one.
We are just taking a bag of Rachel's knickers down to the launderette.
Why, is it her birthday? Party, guys.
No, hold on, hold on, I've got one as well.
I've got one.
Hey, I hope you've got a really powerful industrial detergent cos you'll need it for Rachel's knickers! That kind of joke? Hey, Vic, aren't you meant to be downstairs making a promotional film for Julie? Yeah, I'm supposed to be down there right now.
Will there be a superstar in it like Brian Ferry? They have a point, getting a pop star to endorse the bistro's not a bad idea.
You could use that Max Flahonnoman character.
In fact, that prick looks just like him.
Hold on, that's me son.
Only by birth.
I tell you what, why don't you two come with me and help me make this movie? Yeah, hey.
Best day of my life, ever.
Whoa, don't be so hasty, little lady.
I'll take those to the laundromat.
Oh.
Thank you, Beef.
Yes.
Good idea.
Ooh, I was right, wasn't I? .
.
about the detergent! God, I hope he likes his food savoury.
Urgh.
Well, I'm just saying.
There we are.
OK, kids, now all you've got to do is just sit here and pretend to be Mags Flahonnoman and his girlfriend, OK? Yeah, I'm Mags Flahonnoman and my life is amazing.
Have, have you got a line? I am the girlfriend of Mags Flahonnoman, get used to it, bitch.
Good girl.
Julie.
Oh, it's really you, fondle, fondle, sniffy, sniffy.
Yeah, look, look, I'm sorry about the delay, but it's all been worthwhile because Oh, it's all right.
.
.
because over there, don't look.
Oh, I'm not.
I've managed to get Mags Flahonnoman in the movie.
That's Erik, isn't it? Well, that's what I thought, but look.
It's really him.
Yeah.
In, in my bistro? Yes.
In my film? Yes.
And everyone wants to be here to find him.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, how can I thank you? Do you want a quick go on my thrupneys? Oh, you're all right, thanks, Julie, I think I'll leave it.
How about a quick butter on my Bilbo Baggins? Not at the moment, thank you.
Not now? No, thank you.
OK.
Bosh, let's make a movie.
It seems calm.
Have you got a cold, Beef? I have, yes.
Oh, that's a shame.
I've spilt me tea again.
Yeah.
So, um, those movies you made in Africa, Beef, did you make a lot of money from them? No, not through the acting, but I was working on a film called Zulu with Michael Caine.
Now, not a lot of people know this but Michael Caine has naturally frizzy hair, so I came up with a lotion which keeps his hair flat, at bay, but with a little kink, much like the man himself! Yes, within, I don't know, within no time at all, I patented that lotion and it became the global phenomena which it is to this very day.
Hold on a minute, what global phenomenon? What's it called? Frizz Ease, named after my mother.
Frizz Ease? You're the man behind Frizz Ease? Yes.
Oh, well, I've always wanted to meet you, how do you do? I'm good, nice to meet you.
Nice tooh, wow, I've been using your product for years.
You? Yeah.
But you don't have curly hair.
You have hardly any hair at all, that's why you wear that ridiculous cheap toupee.
Oh, my God! I could be a pop star, I have written a beautiful song.
I want to hear it.
Now, woman.
Quiet.
# Walking down the street in Africa and I see a box on the floor # I pick up the box and look inside of it # It's a head # A child's head and I scream # I scream but what can you expect # Picking up a box in Africa.
# I love it.
Do you want to dine with the stars? I do, and I bet you do too.
That's why Julie's Bistro is a celebrity dining experience destination.
But who's dining in Julie's Bistro this evening? Let's take a look.
Why, it's teen pop sensation Mags Flahonnoman.
Excuse me, I've been sent from the station to inform you that a television crew, and a large gaggle of the younger set are on its way.
Something to do with a pop person, you, I presume? Is that all right, Vic? Yeah, it was good.
Yeah, it was really good.
Well done.
Oh, thank you.
It saved a wasted journey.
Yeah.
I've never actually seen the show before.
Is it for CBeebies? No, it's for grown-ups.
You're kidding, honestly? Yeah.
'King 'ell.
We've run out of knickers, what else does it eat? Well, they're always pecking at light bulbs, aren't they? Grab me that lamp.
Quackly! Here! Oh! Beef, I'm sorry.
Beef, I'm sorry, I didn't Oh, you bastard.
Come on! Now, stop this.
I mean, what are we like? We've got a common enemy there that we need to address, and we're here fighting like a couple of squaddies.
I'm sorry, mate, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I'm live from Julie's Bistro in the town centre to exclusively reveal the whereabouts of pop star Mags Flahonnoman, and here he is.
Mags, tell us, what are you doing in this mid-range eatery? And everyone wants to know who is the mystery lady friend? I didn't expect this.
I'm embarrassed.
Hey, you don't know what you're talking about, cos you're a non-regular member of this cast.
What you on about? That's Erik, that's Bob's son.
So, there we are, Julie, exactly as I planned.
Your bistro on live television across the nation.
Oh, Vic, swoon, swoon, I am so grateful.
Well, it turns out the whereabouts of the real Mags Flahonnoman still remains a mystery.
This is a pretty disappointed Steph McGovern reporting live from an anonymous mid-range bistro.
Now time for the sport with Prakeeshka Numeri Dartarathamendi.
Ooh! Sheila! It's Steph.
Same thing.
Don't go, please stay and have a drink.
I'm going to get you the news event of the year, right here in this bistro.
Really? Yeah.
Go on.
Get that down you.
Do you know what, I've got a hunch about this moron, I reckon we should stay around for a bit.
Vic! Bob! Do you want to go on a massive adventure? Yes.
Beef, do you want all your dreams to come true? Yes! Then fetch your whip, stand back.
Argh! Look, it's flying towards the moon to drink from its light.
Shut up.
Beef, just sit back and enjoy the adventure.
# We're three hip guys on our way to the moon # We got no supplies cos we'll be back soon # Got to thank you, Mr Moth, this is a dream come true # Flying # Flying # Flying # To the moon.
# Giddy up, you wanker! You're back with me live at Julie's Bistro where an enormous moth-type creature has just emerged from this building, carrying three local men on its back, presumably to take them up to its lair and stick probes up their arses.
Julie's Bistro is now the centre of the world's attention.
Oh, this is brilliant, isn't it, lads? It's like the snowman, you know, with Aled Jones.
Or like, on Avatar when they're riding round on the dragons.
You need to shut up.
Hey, Beef, see that planet over there? Oh, yeah.
Do you know what it is? Uranus.
Yeah, but you're not allowed to call it that any more.
So what do you call it? Your arse hole! Oh, what was that, I missed it? It doesn't matter.
I've got one.
Yeah? What do you call a female moth? I don't know what do you call a female moth? A myth! What was that? I missed that one as well.
It doesn't matter.
Hey, lads, listen, if Julie opened her bistro on the moon, there wouldn't be much atmosphere, would there? Right, back to the plan.
Hold on tight, we're going home.
# We're two hip guys flying back from the moon # We got no supplies cos we'll be back soon # Got to thank you, Mr Moth That was a dream come true # Flying # Flying # Flying # From the moon.
# We're back, live outside Julie's Bistro where the enormous moth-type creature is hurtling towards the town as I speak.
There is panic in the streets.
Look, lads, we're nearly home.
Sorry, I didn't hear that Vic, what was Shut up! Look, there's the bistro and there's loads of people surrounding it, just as I planned.
Here we go.
It's heading straight for the scientific research facility on Government Hill.
We're all going to die a horrible, horrible death.
Thank you.
The eyes of the nation have centred on this little bistro.
'It's certainly put this restaurant on the map.
' This is Stephanie McGovern reporting from Julie's Bistro.
Time now to go back to the studio with Anita Bush.
Julie I think this may be the most famous bistro in the whole of the world.
Oh, but isn't it just huge amounts of fun though, is it? Hmm? Oh, look, there come our heroesand Bob.
# Didn't we have a lovely day? # The day we rode an insect # But what happens next? # We all hold hands # And listen to Mags Flahonnoman # # Walking down the street in Africa watching all the people going by # Suddenly I look down at the floor and I see a box # A box! # And being the curious girl that I am # I pick up the box and look inside of it # It's a head # A head! # A child's head # A child's head! # And I scream, I scream but what can you expect # Picking up a box in Africa? # Africa.
# Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
# All right, Dr Corncob? Oh, dear, why do I always lose my scripts? It's so depressing at my age, 36, I bet Scorsese never has this trouble.
No, I bet he doesn't.
I wonder if that's because, like, he doesn't write his scripts on insects? You know what I mean, maybe it's that, you know, he writes on, on something more solid like a van door, or a lathe, something like that? I spilt me, spilt me tea.
It doesn't matter though, does it? You can't say that that matters.
Not really, no.
So, Vic, this script, what was it for? Well, Julie asked me to do it, it's a promotional video, an advert if you like, for the bistro.
Oh, right, shush, shush.
Look, there's Erik on the TV, yeah.
And in showbiz news, Norwegian teen pop sensation Mags Flahonnoman has arrived in the country today, causing mass hysteria amongst people who like him.
His whereabouts are being kept secret by his manager, Don Draper from Mad Men.
That's not Erik, that's teen pop sensation Mags Flahonnoman.
I know, but, wow, he doesn't half look like Erik, doesn't he? He does, doesn't he? Are you sure you didn't have twins? Would you? Yeah, I think I'd like to return the compliment.
There you are, sir.
Erm, excuse me.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, yeah.
Hair, yeah.
Yeah? Something different.
Come on.
You, you've had a metal plate fitted.
I have, I've had a metal plate fitted.
Yeah.
Yeah, I won a scratchcard and I thought I'd treat myself.
I've had a steel plate put in.
Are you finished, by the way? I'm finished, thank you.
Right, well, I better go and tell Julie I haven't got the script any more.
You're going nowhere, fellow me lad, not until you've sorted that moth out in there.
My panties are drying in the kitchen, yeah? And I don't want a moth, like, gnawing at them and licking them, and all that and everything, like that, you know what I mean? All right, I'll go and fettle it with me 12-bore.
No, you won't, Vic.
I don't want my panties covered in shots.
Go on, get in there and sort it out.
Oh! Bad news, Bob.
What, what? Bad news.
What, it really is, isn't it? Yeah.
What, it's not me panties, is it? What, all of them? Well, there's one pair left, you know, your silver ones with "slut" written on the back of them.
Oh, right, my Friday nighters.
Yeah.
And it's grown, Bob, I mean it's really grown.
Yeah? Have a look.
Let me have a look.
It's horribleit's horrible, like .
.
like you.
My sentiments exactly.
Look, it's in there and it can't get out.
We'll just leave it in there until it melts.
Melts? What about my Friday nighters? Oh, shit, I was going to wear them for bums and tums as well.
Well, anyway, I ain't got time to hang around here.
I have to get downstairs and start directing this movie.
Look, excuse me, excuse me.
You've lost your script, haven't you? Gaaaahhh! Yeah, that's hurt, hasn't it? Right, I'll just go and tell her that you've let her down, then.
Ooh, I haven't let anyone down.
You're not going anywhere until you sort out this moth.
It's getting angry.
Oh! I can't wait for Vic any longer, I have to do it myself.
Rightaction.
Hi, I'm Julie.
This is my bistro.
What's my surname? You don't need to know that, you won't be able to pronounce it anyway, it's Czechoslovakian, yeah.
How old am I? I'm 42, I'm 25, she's 71, she could be 18.
Here's someone else.
Hello, everybody, and first of all, a big congratulations to Julie for managing to keep the bistro open throughout the duration of the series, while selling absolutely nothing.
So, congratulations to you, Julie, you twat.
This is my head waiter, Bosh, he gets a little fuzzy in the head because of too much Ritalin.
Bosh, why don't you introduce all these lovely people to the bar area, with a flourish? OK, follow me to the bar area and I'll show you around.
After all, what else are you going to do? Over here, it's a quite simple bar.
In this section here we have beer, wine, spirits, and over here is one of the oldest Oh, I really need a real director, where's Vic? Quick, Vic, the conch.
Summon Beef.
These are our lands, seize their leader.
Whoa, oh, oh, hang on son, who are you? Well, I heard the conch, I just came and did my line.
Oh, are you doing the Captain Cook story in the studio next door? Wrong studio, mate.
Oh, shit, I've been waiting for hours for that.
I bet I've missed me scene now, I came all the way down from Grantham.
Turned down a part in Scott And Bailey as a mischief maker.
Oh.
Tits! Look, look, son, we've got the part of a copper coming up soon, later on in the third act.
You don't fancy doing that, do you? Oh, yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
Yeah.
£32? 20 what? 28 quid.
It's going to pay your fare back to Grantham, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'd love that, yeah.
Oh, good.
There you are.
The only thing is, I haven't had anything to eat yet cos I've been in the wrong studio.
You don't have a luncheon voucher, or? Well, uh, I tell you what, Morgana who plays Julie's just stood out there.
Go and have a word with her and she'll sort you out with a luncheon voucher, take you down to wardrobe and get you all sorted out and kitted out.
Morgana, can you take David down to wardrobe and sort him out with something to eat? Cheers.
Nice enough chap, wasn't he? Yeah, come on, Vic, summon Beef.
These are our lands.
Seize the You did it better that time as well.
No, please, Vic, Vic, come on, summon Beef.
# I'm a soldier I am off to Afghanistan # I just love those Muslim ladies # You'll have to agree just looking at me # They'll be lining up to have my bab-ies.
# All right, Beef? All right, Beef, I love your shirt.
Yes, yes, it's made from camouflage.
Actual woodland bits and pieces.
I'm surprised you can actually see me.
Anyway, why did you summon me with your horn? What is the nature of your crisis? Right, well, you see, the thing is, I've got to get down to Julie's bistro to make a movie.
A movie? Yeah, still pictures that move to depict real events.
You know, I myself starred in several sexual horror films.
Yes, there was The Sexorcist.
Nightie Of The Living Dead, and who could forget Paranormal Sacktivity.
All financed by the impressionist Alistair McGowan, before he went insane.
That's brilliant, very good, Beef.
But the problem is, we've got a monster moth trapped in the kitchen and You know, we thought with you having lived in Africa and that, you might know what to do, you know? There, there, there, there.
That is a very angry moth.
What have you been feeding him? Bob's panties.
Yeah, my panties.
Oh, my God, well, we need to becalm him.
You know what this means, don't you? What? We must remove our panties.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh.
Oooh! Oh, stop it, you two! Get these panties off! Bosh, can you stop waving it around? I mean the camera, not your Little Dorrit.
Right, Julie, WTF, OMG, it's time for you to say stuff, Julie.
What? Action! Hi, I'm Julie, and this is my bistro.
Julie's Bistro.
Julie What's with the tiny hands? It makes the bistro look bigger.
And these.
Right, you open the door, Beef, and I'll throw 'em in, OK? Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
Let me see those panties.
David? Yeah.
Who the hell's David? I mean, your name's Bob, am I right? Yeah, I'm Bob, yeah.
OK, well, who the hell is David? Is it David Walliams? No.
It is, it is.
I thought I heard a noise! It isn't David Walliams! It is! I've seen you looking at pictures of him.
It is not David Walliams.
Listen, I can do an impersonation of David Walliams.
All right.
Would you like to see it? Yeah, I would, yeah.
The computer says no.
No, it's nothing like it.
Yes, it was.
"Co, computer said no.
" It's like that.
No, no, no.
Who was that? Well, would you look, the computer's switched off.
Oh, it's nothing like David! No.
Yes, David Walliams, you know, "computer said no".
With, like a lisp, "computer said no".
It's not, it's like "the computer says no".
No, that's Terry Wogan! That's Terry Wogan, innit? Well, it's the same thing, innit? That's Terry Wogan.
No, they're not the same person.
No, it's not, it's terrible.
Anyway, who's this David? All right.
It's Dickinson? Yeah.
Cheap as cherries.
Oh, listen to me, cheap as cherries.
"It's as cheap as cherries.
" Oh, it's just Wogan again, innit? Anyway, let me see your panties.
Oh, you're kidding.
They're nice.
I bet they cost a fortune.
It's a shame that no-one's ever going to see them though, innit? Yeah, well, you know, I'm not bothered because I know I'm wearing them.
They make me feel really special Yeah, but, they are really small, Vic.
There's not going to be much nourishment in there for the moth, is there? No.
Fear not.
Yeah? Yes? Get a load of this one.
What? Well no-one's perfect.
Now a lot of celebrities dine at Julie's Bistro, such as Barry Gibb.
He's always here, he likes cappuccinos.
This is Taylor Swift, she's a lovely lady but she does tend to block the toilet up every now and again.
Oops, shouldn't say that, should I? This is Tony Robinson and the Time Team.
"I wouldn't mind poking around in your trench", that's their main joke.
Genesis, they come together in their van.
It says, "No tools left in the back of this vehicle overnight", on the back door.
Nothing else much to say about them really, but they're nice lads.
And finally, Alistair McGowan, before he went insane.
Yes, you too could dine at Julie's Bistro with the stars.
How was that, Bosh, what do you think? Was it all right? I don't know, Julie, I wasn't watching.
Right, let's do this.
I'll get the door, Beef.
Quickty.
Sorry, what? Quickty.
Sorry, what, Vic? Quickty, it's me new way of saying quickly.
Oh, right, it's really good, isn't it? Right, I'll get the doorquickty! Hold your horses, who the hell gave you permission to use his word willy-nilly? Oh, well, do you mind, Vic? Well, I was hoping to just keep it for meself, you know, to make meself look cool, you know.
Eg, there goes the Olympic swimmer Arthur Nugent swimming really quickty.
Yeah, oh, I understand, I won't use it, then.
Right, I'm going to do this really quackly.
That's even better, isn't it? Good heavens, that thing's colossal.
It's taken them, it's taken it, it's taken it.
Yeah.
Oh, he's .
.
he's eaten them quackly, hasn't he? It seems calm.
Yeah, but how long till he needs feeding again, Vic? We need more panties.
Hey, Vic.
Yeah, hi, Vic.
Hi.
All right, kids? Erik, I really think you could be a little bit more respectful Yeah, I, I thought.
.
Yeah, I've got Beef round I know how it appears No, I understand, yeah.
You treating me like Yeah, yeah, cool.
Yeah, no, but I, I am after all your father, aren't I? Ooh, ooh.
All right, all right.
You nailed that one.
We are just taking a bag of Rachel's knickers down to the launderette.
Why, is it her birthday? Party, guys.
No, hold on, hold on, I've got one as well.
I've got one.
Hey, I hope you've got a really powerful industrial detergent cos you'll need it for Rachel's knickers! That kind of joke? Hey, Vic, aren't you meant to be downstairs making a promotional film for Julie? Yeah, I'm supposed to be down there right now.
Will there be a superstar in it like Brian Ferry? They have a point, getting a pop star to endorse the bistro's not a bad idea.
You could use that Max Flahonnoman character.
In fact, that prick looks just like him.
Hold on, that's me son.
Only by birth.
I tell you what, why don't you two come with me and help me make this movie? Yeah, hey.
Best day of my life, ever.
Whoa, don't be so hasty, little lady.
I'll take those to the laundromat.
Oh.
Thank you, Beef.
Yes.
Good idea.
Ooh, I was right, wasn't I? .
.
about the detergent! God, I hope he likes his food savoury.
Urgh.
Well, I'm just saying.
There we are.
OK, kids, now all you've got to do is just sit here and pretend to be Mags Flahonnoman and his girlfriend, OK? Yeah, I'm Mags Flahonnoman and my life is amazing.
Have, have you got a line? I am the girlfriend of Mags Flahonnoman, get used to it, bitch.
Good girl.
Julie.
Oh, it's really you, fondle, fondle, sniffy, sniffy.
Yeah, look, look, I'm sorry about the delay, but it's all been worthwhile because Oh, it's all right.
.
.
because over there, don't look.
Oh, I'm not.
I've managed to get Mags Flahonnoman in the movie.
That's Erik, isn't it? Well, that's what I thought, but look.
It's really him.
Yeah.
In, in my bistro? Yes.
In my film? Yes.
And everyone wants to be here to find him.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, how can I thank you? Do you want a quick go on my thrupneys? Oh, you're all right, thanks, Julie, I think I'll leave it.
How about a quick butter on my Bilbo Baggins? Not at the moment, thank you.
Not now? No, thank you.
OK.
Bosh, let's make a movie.
It seems calm.
Have you got a cold, Beef? I have, yes.
Oh, that's a shame.
I've spilt me tea again.
Yeah.
So, um, those movies you made in Africa, Beef, did you make a lot of money from them? No, not through the acting, but I was working on a film called Zulu with Michael Caine.
Now, not a lot of people know this but Michael Caine has naturally frizzy hair, so I came up with a lotion which keeps his hair flat, at bay, but with a little kink, much like the man himself! Yes, within, I don't know, within no time at all, I patented that lotion and it became the global phenomena which it is to this very day.
Hold on a minute, what global phenomenon? What's it called? Frizz Ease, named after my mother.
Frizz Ease? You're the man behind Frizz Ease? Yes.
Oh, well, I've always wanted to meet you, how do you do? I'm good, nice to meet you.
Nice tooh, wow, I've been using your product for years.
You? Yeah.
But you don't have curly hair.
You have hardly any hair at all, that's why you wear that ridiculous cheap toupee.
Oh, my God! I could be a pop star, I have written a beautiful song.
I want to hear it.
Now, woman.
Quiet.
# Walking down the street in Africa and I see a box on the floor # I pick up the box and look inside of it # It's a head # A child's head and I scream # I scream but what can you expect # Picking up a box in Africa.
# I love it.
Do you want to dine with the stars? I do, and I bet you do too.
That's why Julie's Bistro is a celebrity dining experience destination.
But who's dining in Julie's Bistro this evening? Let's take a look.
Why, it's teen pop sensation Mags Flahonnoman.
Excuse me, I've been sent from the station to inform you that a television crew, and a large gaggle of the younger set are on its way.
Something to do with a pop person, you, I presume? Is that all right, Vic? Yeah, it was good.
Yeah, it was really good.
Well done.
Oh, thank you.
It saved a wasted journey.
Yeah.
I've never actually seen the show before.
Is it for CBeebies? No, it's for grown-ups.
You're kidding, honestly? Yeah.
'King 'ell.
We've run out of knickers, what else does it eat? Well, they're always pecking at light bulbs, aren't they? Grab me that lamp.
Quackly! Here! Oh! Beef, I'm sorry.
Beef, I'm sorry, I didn't Oh, you bastard.
Come on! Now, stop this.
I mean, what are we like? We've got a common enemy there that we need to address, and we're here fighting like a couple of squaddies.
I'm sorry, mate, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I'm live from Julie's Bistro in the town centre to exclusively reveal the whereabouts of pop star Mags Flahonnoman, and here he is.
Mags, tell us, what are you doing in this mid-range eatery? And everyone wants to know who is the mystery lady friend? I didn't expect this.
I'm embarrassed.
Hey, you don't know what you're talking about, cos you're a non-regular member of this cast.
What you on about? That's Erik, that's Bob's son.
So, there we are, Julie, exactly as I planned.
Your bistro on live television across the nation.
Oh, Vic, swoon, swoon, I am so grateful.
Well, it turns out the whereabouts of the real Mags Flahonnoman still remains a mystery.
This is a pretty disappointed Steph McGovern reporting live from an anonymous mid-range bistro.
Now time for the sport with Prakeeshka Numeri Dartarathamendi.
Ooh! Sheila! It's Steph.
Same thing.
Don't go, please stay and have a drink.
I'm going to get you the news event of the year, right here in this bistro.
Really? Yeah.
Go on.
Get that down you.
Do you know what, I've got a hunch about this moron, I reckon we should stay around for a bit.
Vic! Bob! Do you want to go on a massive adventure? Yes.
Beef, do you want all your dreams to come true? Yes! Then fetch your whip, stand back.
Argh! Look, it's flying towards the moon to drink from its light.
Shut up.
Beef, just sit back and enjoy the adventure.
# We're three hip guys on our way to the moon # We got no supplies cos we'll be back soon # Got to thank you, Mr Moth, this is a dream come true # Flying # Flying # Flying # To the moon.
# Giddy up, you wanker! You're back with me live at Julie's Bistro where an enormous moth-type creature has just emerged from this building, carrying three local men on its back, presumably to take them up to its lair and stick probes up their arses.
Julie's Bistro is now the centre of the world's attention.
Oh, this is brilliant, isn't it, lads? It's like the snowman, you know, with Aled Jones.
Or like, on Avatar when they're riding round on the dragons.
You need to shut up.
Hey, Beef, see that planet over there? Oh, yeah.
Do you know what it is? Uranus.
Yeah, but you're not allowed to call it that any more.
So what do you call it? Your arse hole! Oh, what was that, I missed it? It doesn't matter.
I've got one.
Yeah? What do you call a female moth? I don't know what do you call a female moth? A myth! What was that? I missed that one as well.
It doesn't matter.
Hey, lads, listen, if Julie opened her bistro on the moon, there wouldn't be much atmosphere, would there? Right, back to the plan.
Hold on tight, we're going home.
# We're two hip guys flying back from the moon # We got no supplies cos we'll be back soon # Got to thank you, Mr Moth That was a dream come true # Flying # Flying # Flying # From the moon.
# We're back, live outside Julie's Bistro where the enormous moth-type creature is hurtling towards the town as I speak.
There is panic in the streets.
Look, lads, we're nearly home.
Sorry, I didn't hear that Vic, what was Shut up! Look, there's the bistro and there's loads of people surrounding it, just as I planned.
Here we go.
It's heading straight for the scientific research facility on Government Hill.
We're all going to die a horrible, horrible death.
Thank you.
The eyes of the nation have centred on this little bistro.
'It's certainly put this restaurant on the map.
' This is Stephanie McGovern reporting from Julie's Bistro.
Time now to go back to the studio with Anita Bush.
Julie I think this may be the most famous bistro in the whole of the world.
Oh, but isn't it just huge amounts of fun though, is it? Hmm? Oh, look, there come our heroesand Bob.
# Didn't we have a lovely day? # The day we rode an insect # But what happens next? # We all hold hands # And listen to Mags Flahonnoman # # Walking down the street in Africa watching all the people going by # Suddenly I look down at the floor and I see a box # A box! # And being the curious girl that I am # I pick up the box and look inside of it # It's a head # A head! # A child's head # A child's head! # And I scream, I scream but what can you expect # Picking up a box in Africa? # Africa.
# Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.