How Do You Want Me? (1998) s02e03 Episode Script
Nude Modelling Module
(Snoring) (Phone rings) Oh! Ah, hello, wait.
Hello? Hello? Come back.
Come back, I need your money.
Hello, lan Lyons Photography, good morning.
Ah, Mr You haven't got the cheque? OK.
Could I just put you on hold for one second? I've got someone coming through on line six.
(Hums upbeat tune) Ah, hello, yes, erm actually, we've changed our computer system here and all the outgoings have been delayed.
A lot of people have been saying that.
Listen, since you're on the phone, have you ever considered having a portrait commissioned? How about immortalising a pet? We're doing a special deal on kittens, between the ages of tiny and quite small, if they're accompanied by a mature cat.
âÂ" What do you think? âÂ" It's really good.
You know you spelt photography "Photgraphy", don't you? Oh, shit.
It's almost the biggest word.
Oh, you've got a nude modelling module.
Oh, no, I won't do that.
I mean, I won't have to.
They'll forget.
Wonder why Sue Digby's selling her sewing machine.
I tried to put one of these up on the church door but that vicar's a bit feisty for a vicar.
Mm.
That's a really good idea.
The irony is the better you teach them, the less they'll need you and you'll get even less work.
âÂ" You don't want me to point out the ironies? âÂ" Not quite so fanatically, no.
I don't what else to do.
I've saturated the market for couples grinning in brandy glasses and little kittens in baskets licking their bollocks.
I've decided what to do in the school holidays.
Don't tell me.
Have your family round all the time.
I'd find that distressing.
âÂ" I'm going to write a novel.
Isn't that exciting? âÂ" Good.
âÂ" Do you have the application though? âÂ" Yes.
I only mention it because you start postcards and don't finish them.
That's different.
Leaving messages in guest books and giving up before the end of the sentence.
I've got things to say.
I've got insights.
Want to give me a sample insight? âÂ" You don't think I've got insights, do you? âÂ" I do.
âÂ" I've got more insights than you.
âÂ" Yeah? Hi.
Can I plaster your window with these leaflets? Yeah? Yeah? Look at that for insight.
Hiya.
âÂ" Did you run here? âÂ" Oh, no, stairs.
Oh! âÂ" Really good response to the course.
âÂ" Great.
Really good.
Loads of people signing up.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Erm Michael Angel.
Lives with his auntie, very odd.
âÂ" Todd Armitage and friend Scrunter.
âÂ" Oh, good luck.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Oh, no.
I'm sure they've calmed down now.
âÂ" Nigel Nash âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
He used to keep rats.
âÂ" Can I just read this list? âÂ" Sorry, go on.
Peter Hubner from the offâÂ"licence, Wayne O'Toole, Clive Stobo, Fireman John, who's really elated Mostly men.
Are you sure most of them aren't there for the nude modelling module? That's just a Trojan Horse thing.
I'm not gonna do that.
Anyway, the point is it's the money, isn't it? âÂ" How's the writing? âÂ" Haven't started yet.
I'm still organising myself.
Excuse me.
Ah, I see you're using 18 megs of modem and er Scanlan's novel gusher.
Shouldn't you be preparing your first "photgraphy" lesson? All right, everybody, erm your picture, or your image goes through the hole here and gets sort of stuck on the back of the camera.
That's if you've got this kind of camera.
If you don't, it'll go somewhere else.
Erm What's your opinion of the new APS technology? Erm well, that's good and bad, isn't it? It's, er It's like, erm You know, at the moment it's all a bit Oh Er but it has to pass, you know, like, the acid test.
Often the case with new technologies is that they'll come in and the old technologies will all be sort of sitting there like wise, old, ancient women, helping them out while they fall around finding their way and eventually the two of them kind of join.
Er, are there any other questions? âÂ" I âÂ" Yes, yes, come forth with your question.
Right, erm Hello.
Just what sort of things should I be photographing? âÂ" That's up to you, really.
âÂ" Up to me.
âÂ" Norks.
âÂ" (Both giggle) âÂ" Sorry, what did you say? âÂ" Nothing.
âÂ" You said norks, didn't you? âÂ" No.
Yes, you did.
So just watch it, all right? Watch it.
Helen, to get back to your question, the best photographs are of things or people that engage you somehow.
(Boys) Norks! âÂ" Right, OK âÂ" (Boys) Norks! OK, right, er, Scrunter Your name's Scrunter, isn't it? Come here.
Come here.
Er, now, come here.
You stand in that bin.
Stand in that bin.
Stand in the bin.
There.
OK? All right? Right.
Right OK.
So we'll be doing more theory and then soon you'll all be able to go out on your first, erm âÂ" you know âÂ" Mission.
No, actually.
Anybody? âÂ" Assignment.
âÂ" Yes, that's right.
Your assignment.
And then by module eight, you'll all be able to take stunning photographs.
Er, when does the nude modelling module come in? Er in due course.
Fairly soon? No.
You don't begin by taking pictures of naked people.
You have to build, you know, from modules one and two and so on.
Can it not be Tuesday week, please? I have to be somewhere.
âÂ" (lan) Hello! âÂ" Hi, gorgeous.
Hey, I've been counting how many words there are in novels, right? It varies incredibly.
Guess how many are in Midnight's Children.
Er, is that the Salman Rushdie version, or the one published by Barry Finkelhouse of the Trouser Press? 210,000, right, whereas, in Catcher In The Rye, there's only 55,000.
I mean, why would you write 210,000 when you could get away with 55? Call me crazy but I don't think you had a very good day writing.
No, it was fine.
I'm just easing my way in.
How did your first lesson go? Er it went as well as a big helicopter crash.
âÂ" Might be.
âÂ" Should be.
I'm an interesting, dynamic character.
But to a novelist, everybody's interesting, even the dullest man.
âÂ" So you're in with a chance.
âÂ" Hmm.
They just kept gazing at me.
What do you expect? I don't know how you do it day after day, having them sit there sucking the blood out of your head.
Mmm.
âÂ" Helen was there.
âÂ" Oh, was she? Oh, good.
In her photos everyone's always standing at an angle.
I'm sure she needs her eyes tested.
The class was all priapic monsters.
MildâÂ"mannered Peter Hubner turned out to be Mr PhotoâÂ"NerdâÂ"GestapoâÂ"Interrogator.
Well, maybe if you were more sure of your teaching material, darling.
No offence.
(Gasps and burps) âÂ" Do you want one? âÂ" Er, no thanks.
(Rustling) (Knocking) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Ah, hello Suzanna.
âÂ" Sorry to disturb you.
âÂ" No, I was just reading the local paper there.
I see the Snowle Museum's got itself some historic shoes.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" Getty Museum must be sick as a dog.
Well, I hope you don't mind but, you see, I really wanted to be a photographer and I was thinking maybe I could sit in and watch you.
Sure.
Although you might find it dull just watching me sit in the chair a lot.
I don't mind.
Er well, what kind of photographer would you like to be? âÂ" I don't know.
âÂ" Well, you're very young, aren't you? âÂ" Yes.
âÂ" How young are you? âÂ" 17.
âÂ" Mm, right, that's a complex age, isn't it? Everything's quite, er fun but it makes you feel bad.
Can I do anything for you round the studio? Er, no, it's all been done, really.
Erm you could do some little jobs.
Maybe you could do my next booking.
âÂ" Is that after lunch? âÂ" It is, yes.
Three o'clock after lunch on Thursday, next week.
OK.
So, erm maybe you could come back then.
Oh, you don't want me to stay? No, it's not that.
It's just that it might be a bit dull for you, âÂ" just kind of sitting there with nothing âÂ" I could polish your helmet.
Er, I don't really have any cleaning stuff.
Erm Erm You know, I thought you were really good with Scrunter the other day.
He's such an embarrassment.
Right, yes, thank you.
Yes, yes.
Something else, yeah.
Right, well, I'm actually heading home because it's my turn to, er buy the meat.
OK.
âÂ" I thought you might need a distraction! âÂ" Thank you.
You can go back to work now.
Tell me if I go near any power lines! Yes! I thought you might want to use some anecdotes and details of mine for your novel! I've heard them all already! I never told you I got my hair caught in a tree in Ballydehob.
That'd be a really good chapter! I've caught my own hair in plenty of places of my own, thank you! What about my theory about how country people will be executed and mastered by city dwellers who are higher up on the evolutionary scale? All right, so building on modules one and two, this is module three and what we're gonna do now is look at, well, banal objects, really.
Take this bus shelter.
It looks dull but you can make it interesting depending on your approach, you know, framing it an interesting way and finding angles.
âÂ" I think I've found some.
âÂ" You could use that graffiti.
The spelling's awful but you could do that.
Erm right, has anyone heard from Wayne or Clive Stobo? âÂ" Er, Clive can't come.
âÂ" Why? Said he couldn't face it.
Isn't it all a bit dark? It's not.
Has anyone got any proper questions? âÂ" You said the nude modelling would be soon.
âÂ" Yes, it will.
âÂ" How soon? âÂ" I don't know, OK? âÂ" Can you just take photographs? âÂ" You are gonna arrange it? âÂ" Yes, I am.
âÂ" When? Nobody's gonna see anybody naked unless you start taking photographs now! Some of us don't want to carry on coming if there's not any chance of âÂ" There'll be some nudity next week! I promise! âÂ" Not a bloke though? No, not a bloke! Do you do anything to your eyes to make them so sparkly and nice? No, I don't, no.
Right.
âÂ" Oh, hi, how are you? âÂ" Hello, Lise.
Fine.
You'll never guess, Tizzy LeighâÂ"Barrett bought a spangly top this morning.
You know the shortie thing? Well, I warned her it might ride up but she was adamant.
âÂ" Hey, shouldn't you be writing? âÂ" I know.
It's going a bit slow.
I'm so sick of the sound of the typewriter.
I keep veering between being Jilly Cooper and Virginia Woolf.
Am I in it? Not you as well.
I had to promise Mum I wouldn't put in when she got drunk and abusive at Warren's confirmation.
âÂ" Oh, Lisa, I've got some horrible news.
âÂ" What? (Low) Jill, can you remind Mrs Hunt she still owes us for her leggings.
âÂ" What's horrible? âÂ" I'm leaving lan's photography course.
Oh, why? Well really, don't tell lan but it's just all a bit grim.
The boys are desperate about this nude business.
Lan gets ratty with them.
Did he tell you he's forbidden Peter Hubner to speak in class now? âÂ" No.
âÂ" And Suzanna's really getting on my nerves, âÂ" stuck to lan the whole time, like a limpet.
âÂ" Who? (Whooshing) Suzanna Groves.
What was that noise? (Whooshing) Lan seems to be letting off fireworks.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" I don't know.
He's trying to entertain me.
Erm what about Suzanna? (Whispers) Have you told her? Well, go and tell her.
Look, she's leaving now.
Run and tell her.
Run.
Mmm? Sorry, Lise.
What was I talking about? Oh, Suzanna.
Oh, I know she's sweet and nice and innocent but she's obsessed with lan.
(Whooshing) It's like he's got a stalker.
I'm being defensive cos I'm under attack.
I don't deny it's nice to have attractive company in the studio.
There, I said it.
Go on, grab a big fish and hit me with it.
I just wondered what she does around there.
âÂ" Wipe down your surfaces? Sliced.
âÂ" Look, she's only been there a couple of hours.
I don't ask if Derek has been rummaging through your medicine balls.
âÂ" Ah, so that's what this is about? âÂ" No.
You're paying me back because he was obsessive about me.
No, but there are parallels.
Well, if there are parallels, you've got to do what I did to Derek.
Just tell Suzanna very firmly that you don't love her.
OK but I don't want to lose anybody else.
They're haemorrhaging like flies.
It doesn't matter.
I'll support you financially again.
No.
I want to do this thing.
I just don't want to be sat there alone with Wayne O'Toole and his sweaty instamatic.
âÂ" So I have a favour I want to ask you.
âÂ" What? âÂ" It gives me no pleasure whatsoever to ask it.
âÂ" What? Would you provide me with some very simple unclothed photographic assistance? âÂ" I do hope you're joking.
âÂ" Life photography has an honourable history.
I'm not going to enter into this conversation.
We can't sweep our bodies under the carpet! âÂ" Well, you do it, then.
âÂ" No, they said a woman.
Where am I going to get a naked woman by Tuesday? Suzie, drink? Pork scratching? âÂ" Hello, lan.
âÂ" Ah, Suzanna.
MmâÂ"hm.
What can I get you to drink? âÂ" Nothing, thanks, I'll share yours.
âÂ" Share mine? I saw this couple doing it and they looked really nice.
Is that appropriate for us, do you think? Erm, or, er lunch.
They do a very, very good omelette.
Well, it's not but it's like an omelette.
âÂ" I'm OK.
I already had a sandwich with Mum.
âÂ" Oh, with Mum.
Good.
Erm well, Suzanna, I asked you here, really, to talk about us and how we're going and all that sort of thing and where we're going is nowhere.
I don't know what you thought was going on between us but well, maybe I should ask you.
Erm Well I love you.
âÂ" Ah, yes.
âÂ" And I can tell that you find me attractive.
Maybe but there's a big gap between that and jumping into a glandular relationship.
Well, yeah but I can tell you like having me round the studio.
I'm happily married, Suzanna, and you're 17.
You know, you're 17 but, I mean, that might be OK but I really do have to jump on stamp on this thing right now.
Can't can't I help out any more? No, I love Lisa quite a lot and I'm not interested in you.
No, look They say be brutal.
I had to be brutal.
Please don't cry.
âÂ" What can I do to stop you crying? âÂ" I only want to be with you.
(Sobs) You you're draping your hair in the beer.
Can't I be a part of your life? You could do the nude modelling.
The lads are getting a bit restless.
That would help.
That would How dare you? I'm not just some cheap tart.
No.
I'm sorry.
Erm friend of mine, trouble at home.
MmâÂ"hm.
âÂ" Oh, I don't know.
âÂ" (Door closes) Oh, I'd better go.
All right, bye.
Pack your bags! Pack your bags! We're going to Australia now! I heard what happened.
How? Ask a stupid question.
âÂ" Yes, I did.
Yes.
But only to calm her down.
âÂ" Oh, yeah, that really works.
To calm a woman down, you ask her to take her clothes off in front of men? It was an emergency.
I didn't know what to do.
âÂ" The point is I don't want to live here.
âÂ" Oh, it'll be all right.
Come on.
I mean, at least now she knows you're not the man for her.
Come here.
Everybody in the village, they're all talking about it now.
âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" I won't get any work.
Oh, come on, cheer yourself up.
Light some more fireworks.
They're all gone.
âÂ" Can I read this? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Oh, come on.
âÂ" It's only rough.
Yeah, obviously.
Where's the rest? Three pages? âÂ" They're very closely typed.
âÂ" In a fortnight? It's not so easy, you know? You should have a go some time.
You've been reading that for ages.
Is it really that bad? âÂ" Mmm? âÂ" So is revenge sweet? What revenge? "A green vein snaked its way across his stomach, "pallid and domed like a poached egg.
" âÂ" What? âÂ" Well, it's me, isn't it? âÂ" It was a general stomach.
âÂ" With a green vein? Which we both know I possess.
âÂ" Oh, you wanted to be in it, don't overreact.
âÂ" So it is me? My stomach is "pallid and domed like a poached egg".
You can't have it both ways.
If you want to be in it, it has to be the truth.
What about the other truths about me, the nice truths? It's not as if I said you had a wobbly, scaly bottom, is it? Well, I'm sure that's going to appear on page four maybe, if you get that far.
Men have written about women's bodies like that for years.
I mean, what do you want me to say? "Hello, darling, nice day writing?" "Yes, thank you, darling, I described your face as 'a fat child's arse' "and your testicles as 'a national disgrace.
"' "Well done, darling.
I've brought you some broth.
" I'm so sorry.
I forgot you were used to blind adoration these days.
Right, well, I've had a quick look down the High Street and nobody seems to be coming.
âÂ" No problem.
âÂ" They're probably all here getting a minibus.
Er, although there has been a bit of a mixâÂ"up lately.
âÂ" I think some of them think it's bonsai night.
âÂ" How did you hear about me? Oh, I just rang all the art colleges in Sussex.
I had trouble getting sense out of a few.
There's seems to be heavy use of recreational drugs, at least at switchboard level.
Don't often do photographic.
That's all a bit sleazy, usually.
Yes, yes, it is.
It is.
It does tend to bring out the beast in the men.
Not these men, or women.
They're all purists.
As far as they're concerned, they could be photographing a naked woman or a wardrobe Erm so are you comfortable with your Well, you are, it's your thing, your body.
But do you think, "Oh, my God, there's a vein, or two tummies or a big clump of nodules?" âÂ" I'm OK.
âÂ" You're OK.
You're OK.
OK.
âÂ" You're OK.
All right.
OK.
âÂ" Well, you've paid.
Do you want to photograph me? Er, no, no, I don't.
I mean, yes, I do.
Of course I do but it's just that somebody might come through the door.
Isn't that what you want? No.
No, it isn't.
No, because you'd be there, all bare, bare like a fruit.
Bare, naked fruit.
Somebody would come in.
No.
No.
âÂ" No.
No.
Absolutely no âÂ" What are you doing? I'm sorry.
This has been a bad week for me.
I'm sorry.
Listen, why don't we just call it a day here? I'm sorry, I don't think anybody's going to come.
âÂ" You know, I'm sorry.
âÂ" That's fine.
I really am.
I'm very sorry.
Er and thank you very much.
I know it was cold and everything.
You're only wearing those thin moccasins and best of luck in all your future work.
Anyway, I can't thank you enough for coming out and everything Thank you.
Thanks.
Eugh.
Mmm.
(Knocking) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
Yes, but no class.
She's just left.
The village has obviously united against me as a despoiler of 17âÂ"yearâÂ"olds.
Aw, never mind, darling.
I've written a short story.
âÂ" What, in a day? âÂ" Mmm.
I'm speeding up.
I felt a bit guilty last time, so this time it makes you uncomplicatedly heroic, just like in real life.
âÂ" I can handle a bit of reality.
âÂ" Uh "His eyes twinkled as though lit from within.
" That's true.
That's very me.
That is very me.
Look.
I do do that.
I do.
I do.
I roll my shoulders like a lion.
âÂ" I do that.
âÂ" (Knocking) Oh, hello, Mr Groves.
Lan, this is Suzanna's dad.
Hello? Hello? Come back.
Come back, I need your money.
Hello, lan Lyons Photography, good morning.
Ah, Mr You haven't got the cheque? OK.
Could I just put you on hold for one second? I've got someone coming through on line six.
(Hums upbeat tune) Ah, hello, yes, erm actually, we've changed our computer system here and all the outgoings have been delayed.
A lot of people have been saying that.
Listen, since you're on the phone, have you ever considered having a portrait commissioned? How about immortalising a pet? We're doing a special deal on kittens, between the ages of tiny and quite small, if they're accompanied by a mature cat.
âÂ" What do you think? âÂ" It's really good.
You know you spelt photography "Photgraphy", don't you? Oh, shit.
It's almost the biggest word.
Oh, you've got a nude modelling module.
Oh, no, I won't do that.
I mean, I won't have to.
They'll forget.
Wonder why Sue Digby's selling her sewing machine.
I tried to put one of these up on the church door but that vicar's a bit feisty for a vicar.
Mm.
That's a really good idea.
The irony is the better you teach them, the less they'll need you and you'll get even less work.
âÂ" You don't want me to point out the ironies? âÂ" Not quite so fanatically, no.
I don't what else to do.
I've saturated the market for couples grinning in brandy glasses and little kittens in baskets licking their bollocks.
I've decided what to do in the school holidays.
Don't tell me.
Have your family round all the time.
I'd find that distressing.
âÂ" I'm going to write a novel.
Isn't that exciting? âÂ" Good.
âÂ" Do you have the application though? âÂ" Yes.
I only mention it because you start postcards and don't finish them.
That's different.
Leaving messages in guest books and giving up before the end of the sentence.
I've got things to say.
I've got insights.
Want to give me a sample insight? âÂ" You don't think I've got insights, do you? âÂ" I do.
âÂ" I've got more insights than you.
âÂ" Yeah? Hi.
Can I plaster your window with these leaflets? Yeah? Yeah? Look at that for insight.
Hiya.
âÂ" Did you run here? âÂ" Oh, no, stairs.
Oh! âÂ" Really good response to the course.
âÂ" Great.
Really good.
Loads of people signing up.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Erm Michael Angel.
Lives with his auntie, very odd.
âÂ" Todd Armitage and friend Scrunter.
âÂ" Oh, good luck.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Oh, no.
I'm sure they've calmed down now.
âÂ" Nigel Nash âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
He used to keep rats.
âÂ" Can I just read this list? âÂ" Sorry, go on.
Peter Hubner from the offâÂ"licence, Wayne O'Toole, Clive Stobo, Fireman John, who's really elated Mostly men.
Are you sure most of them aren't there for the nude modelling module? That's just a Trojan Horse thing.
I'm not gonna do that.
Anyway, the point is it's the money, isn't it? âÂ" How's the writing? âÂ" Haven't started yet.
I'm still organising myself.
Excuse me.
Ah, I see you're using 18 megs of modem and er Scanlan's novel gusher.
Shouldn't you be preparing your first "photgraphy" lesson? All right, everybody, erm your picture, or your image goes through the hole here and gets sort of stuck on the back of the camera.
That's if you've got this kind of camera.
If you don't, it'll go somewhere else.
Erm What's your opinion of the new APS technology? Erm well, that's good and bad, isn't it? It's, er It's like, erm You know, at the moment it's all a bit Oh Er but it has to pass, you know, like, the acid test.
Often the case with new technologies is that they'll come in and the old technologies will all be sort of sitting there like wise, old, ancient women, helping them out while they fall around finding their way and eventually the two of them kind of join.
Er, are there any other questions? âÂ" I âÂ" Yes, yes, come forth with your question.
Right, erm Hello.
Just what sort of things should I be photographing? âÂ" That's up to you, really.
âÂ" Up to me.
âÂ" Norks.
âÂ" (Both giggle) âÂ" Sorry, what did you say? âÂ" Nothing.
âÂ" You said norks, didn't you? âÂ" No.
Yes, you did.
So just watch it, all right? Watch it.
Helen, to get back to your question, the best photographs are of things or people that engage you somehow.
(Boys) Norks! âÂ" Right, OK âÂ" (Boys) Norks! OK, right, er, Scrunter Your name's Scrunter, isn't it? Come here.
Come here.
Er, now, come here.
You stand in that bin.
Stand in that bin.
Stand in the bin.
There.
OK? All right? Right.
Right OK.
So we'll be doing more theory and then soon you'll all be able to go out on your first, erm âÂ" you know âÂ" Mission.
No, actually.
Anybody? âÂ" Assignment.
âÂ" Yes, that's right.
Your assignment.
And then by module eight, you'll all be able to take stunning photographs.
Er, when does the nude modelling module come in? Er in due course.
Fairly soon? No.
You don't begin by taking pictures of naked people.
You have to build, you know, from modules one and two and so on.
Can it not be Tuesday week, please? I have to be somewhere.
âÂ" (lan) Hello! âÂ" Hi, gorgeous.
Hey, I've been counting how many words there are in novels, right? It varies incredibly.
Guess how many are in Midnight's Children.
Er, is that the Salman Rushdie version, or the one published by Barry Finkelhouse of the Trouser Press? 210,000, right, whereas, in Catcher In The Rye, there's only 55,000.
I mean, why would you write 210,000 when you could get away with 55? Call me crazy but I don't think you had a very good day writing.
No, it was fine.
I'm just easing my way in.
How did your first lesson go? Er it went as well as a big helicopter crash.
âÂ" Might be.
âÂ" Should be.
I'm an interesting, dynamic character.
But to a novelist, everybody's interesting, even the dullest man.
âÂ" So you're in with a chance.
âÂ" Hmm.
They just kept gazing at me.
What do you expect? I don't know how you do it day after day, having them sit there sucking the blood out of your head.
Mmm.
âÂ" Helen was there.
âÂ" Oh, was she? Oh, good.
In her photos everyone's always standing at an angle.
I'm sure she needs her eyes tested.
The class was all priapic monsters.
MildâÂ"mannered Peter Hubner turned out to be Mr PhotoâÂ"NerdâÂ"GestapoâÂ"Interrogator.
Well, maybe if you were more sure of your teaching material, darling.
No offence.
(Gasps and burps) âÂ" Do you want one? âÂ" Er, no thanks.
(Rustling) (Knocking) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Ah, hello Suzanna.
âÂ" Sorry to disturb you.
âÂ" No, I was just reading the local paper there.
I see the Snowle Museum's got itself some historic shoes.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" Getty Museum must be sick as a dog.
Well, I hope you don't mind but, you see, I really wanted to be a photographer and I was thinking maybe I could sit in and watch you.
Sure.
Although you might find it dull just watching me sit in the chair a lot.
I don't mind.
Er well, what kind of photographer would you like to be? âÂ" I don't know.
âÂ" Well, you're very young, aren't you? âÂ" Yes.
âÂ" How young are you? âÂ" 17.
âÂ" Mm, right, that's a complex age, isn't it? Everything's quite, er fun but it makes you feel bad.
Can I do anything for you round the studio? Er, no, it's all been done, really.
Erm you could do some little jobs.
Maybe you could do my next booking.
âÂ" Is that after lunch? âÂ" It is, yes.
Three o'clock after lunch on Thursday, next week.
OK.
So, erm maybe you could come back then.
Oh, you don't want me to stay? No, it's not that.
It's just that it might be a bit dull for you, âÂ" just kind of sitting there with nothing âÂ" I could polish your helmet.
Er, I don't really have any cleaning stuff.
Erm Erm You know, I thought you were really good with Scrunter the other day.
He's such an embarrassment.
Right, yes, thank you.
Yes, yes.
Something else, yeah.
Right, well, I'm actually heading home because it's my turn to, er buy the meat.
OK.
âÂ" I thought you might need a distraction! âÂ" Thank you.
You can go back to work now.
Tell me if I go near any power lines! Yes! I thought you might want to use some anecdotes and details of mine for your novel! I've heard them all already! I never told you I got my hair caught in a tree in Ballydehob.
That'd be a really good chapter! I've caught my own hair in plenty of places of my own, thank you! What about my theory about how country people will be executed and mastered by city dwellers who are higher up on the evolutionary scale? All right, so building on modules one and two, this is module three and what we're gonna do now is look at, well, banal objects, really.
Take this bus shelter.
It looks dull but you can make it interesting depending on your approach, you know, framing it an interesting way and finding angles.
âÂ" I think I've found some.
âÂ" You could use that graffiti.
The spelling's awful but you could do that.
Erm right, has anyone heard from Wayne or Clive Stobo? âÂ" Er, Clive can't come.
âÂ" Why? Said he couldn't face it.
Isn't it all a bit dark? It's not.
Has anyone got any proper questions? âÂ" You said the nude modelling would be soon.
âÂ" Yes, it will.
âÂ" How soon? âÂ" I don't know, OK? âÂ" Can you just take photographs? âÂ" You are gonna arrange it? âÂ" Yes, I am.
âÂ" When? Nobody's gonna see anybody naked unless you start taking photographs now! Some of us don't want to carry on coming if there's not any chance of âÂ" There'll be some nudity next week! I promise! âÂ" Not a bloke though? No, not a bloke! Do you do anything to your eyes to make them so sparkly and nice? No, I don't, no.
Right.
âÂ" Oh, hi, how are you? âÂ" Hello, Lise.
Fine.
You'll never guess, Tizzy LeighâÂ"Barrett bought a spangly top this morning.
You know the shortie thing? Well, I warned her it might ride up but she was adamant.
âÂ" Hey, shouldn't you be writing? âÂ" I know.
It's going a bit slow.
I'm so sick of the sound of the typewriter.
I keep veering between being Jilly Cooper and Virginia Woolf.
Am I in it? Not you as well.
I had to promise Mum I wouldn't put in when she got drunk and abusive at Warren's confirmation.
âÂ" Oh, Lisa, I've got some horrible news.
âÂ" What? (Low) Jill, can you remind Mrs Hunt she still owes us for her leggings.
âÂ" What's horrible? âÂ" I'm leaving lan's photography course.
Oh, why? Well really, don't tell lan but it's just all a bit grim.
The boys are desperate about this nude business.
Lan gets ratty with them.
Did he tell you he's forbidden Peter Hubner to speak in class now? âÂ" No.
âÂ" And Suzanna's really getting on my nerves, âÂ" stuck to lan the whole time, like a limpet.
âÂ" Who? (Whooshing) Suzanna Groves.
What was that noise? (Whooshing) Lan seems to be letting off fireworks.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" I don't know.
He's trying to entertain me.
Erm what about Suzanna? (Whispers) Have you told her? Well, go and tell her.
Look, she's leaving now.
Run and tell her.
Run.
Mmm? Sorry, Lise.
What was I talking about? Oh, Suzanna.
Oh, I know she's sweet and nice and innocent but she's obsessed with lan.
(Whooshing) It's like he's got a stalker.
I'm being defensive cos I'm under attack.
I don't deny it's nice to have attractive company in the studio.
There, I said it.
Go on, grab a big fish and hit me with it.
I just wondered what she does around there.
âÂ" Wipe down your surfaces? Sliced.
âÂ" Look, she's only been there a couple of hours.
I don't ask if Derek has been rummaging through your medicine balls.
âÂ" Ah, so that's what this is about? âÂ" No.
You're paying me back because he was obsessive about me.
No, but there are parallels.
Well, if there are parallels, you've got to do what I did to Derek.
Just tell Suzanna very firmly that you don't love her.
OK but I don't want to lose anybody else.
They're haemorrhaging like flies.
It doesn't matter.
I'll support you financially again.
No.
I want to do this thing.
I just don't want to be sat there alone with Wayne O'Toole and his sweaty instamatic.
âÂ" So I have a favour I want to ask you.
âÂ" What? âÂ" It gives me no pleasure whatsoever to ask it.
âÂ" What? Would you provide me with some very simple unclothed photographic assistance? âÂ" I do hope you're joking.
âÂ" Life photography has an honourable history.
I'm not going to enter into this conversation.
We can't sweep our bodies under the carpet! âÂ" Well, you do it, then.
âÂ" No, they said a woman.
Where am I going to get a naked woman by Tuesday? Suzie, drink? Pork scratching? âÂ" Hello, lan.
âÂ" Ah, Suzanna.
MmâÂ"hm.
What can I get you to drink? âÂ" Nothing, thanks, I'll share yours.
âÂ" Share mine? I saw this couple doing it and they looked really nice.
Is that appropriate for us, do you think? Erm, or, er lunch.
They do a very, very good omelette.
Well, it's not but it's like an omelette.
âÂ" I'm OK.
I already had a sandwich with Mum.
âÂ" Oh, with Mum.
Good.
Erm well, Suzanna, I asked you here, really, to talk about us and how we're going and all that sort of thing and where we're going is nowhere.
I don't know what you thought was going on between us but well, maybe I should ask you.
Erm Well I love you.
âÂ" Ah, yes.
âÂ" And I can tell that you find me attractive.
Maybe but there's a big gap between that and jumping into a glandular relationship.
Well, yeah but I can tell you like having me round the studio.
I'm happily married, Suzanna, and you're 17.
You know, you're 17 but, I mean, that might be OK but I really do have to jump on stamp on this thing right now.
Can't can't I help out any more? No, I love Lisa quite a lot and I'm not interested in you.
No, look They say be brutal.
I had to be brutal.
Please don't cry.
âÂ" What can I do to stop you crying? âÂ" I only want to be with you.
(Sobs) You you're draping your hair in the beer.
Can't I be a part of your life? You could do the nude modelling.
The lads are getting a bit restless.
That would help.
That would How dare you? I'm not just some cheap tart.
No.
I'm sorry.
Erm friend of mine, trouble at home.
MmâÂ"hm.
âÂ" Oh, I don't know.
âÂ" (Door closes) Oh, I'd better go.
All right, bye.
Pack your bags! Pack your bags! We're going to Australia now! I heard what happened.
How? Ask a stupid question.
âÂ" Yes, I did.
Yes.
But only to calm her down.
âÂ" Oh, yeah, that really works.
To calm a woman down, you ask her to take her clothes off in front of men? It was an emergency.
I didn't know what to do.
âÂ" The point is I don't want to live here.
âÂ" Oh, it'll be all right.
Come on.
I mean, at least now she knows you're not the man for her.
Come here.
Everybody in the village, they're all talking about it now.
âÂ" Mmm.
âÂ" I won't get any work.
Oh, come on, cheer yourself up.
Light some more fireworks.
They're all gone.
âÂ" Can I read this? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Oh, come on.
âÂ" It's only rough.
Yeah, obviously.
Where's the rest? Three pages? âÂ" They're very closely typed.
âÂ" In a fortnight? It's not so easy, you know? You should have a go some time.
You've been reading that for ages.
Is it really that bad? âÂ" Mmm? âÂ" So is revenge sweet? What revenge? "A green vein snaked its way across his stomach, "pallid and domed like a poached egg.
" âÂ" What? âÂ" Well, it's me, isn't it? âÂ" It was a general stomach.
âÂ" With a green vein? Which we both know I possess.
âÂ" Oh, you wanted to be in it, don't overreact.
âÂ" So it is me? My stomach is "pallid and domed like a poached egg".
You can't have it both ways.
If you want to be in it, it has to be the truth.
What about the other truths about me, the nice truths? It's not as if I said you had a wobbly, scaly bottom, is it? Well, I'm sure that's going to appear on page four maybe, if you get that far.
Men have written about women's bodies like that for years.
I mean, what do you want me to say? "Hello, darling, nice day writing?" "Yes, thank you, darling, I described your face as 'a fat child's arse' "and your testicles as 'a national disgrace.
"' "Well done, darling.
I've brought you some broth.
" I'm so sorry.
I forgot you were used to blind adoration these days.
Right, well, I've had a quick look down the High Street and nobody seems to be coming.
âÂ" No problem.
âÂ" They're probably all here getting a minibus.
Er, although there has been a bit of a mixâÂ"up lately.
âÂ" I think some of them think it's bonsai night.
âÂ" How did you hear about me? Oh, I just rang all the art colleges in Sussex.
I had trouble getting sense out of a few.
There's seems to be heavy use of recreational drugs, at least at switchboard level.
Don't often do photographic.
That's all a bit sleazy, usually.
Yes, yes, it is.
It is.
It does tend to bring out the beast in the men.
Not these men, or women.
They're all purists.
As far as they're concerned, they could be photographing a naked woman or a wardrobe Erm so are you comfortable with your Well, you are, it's your thing, your body.
But do you think, "Oh, my God, there's a vein, or two tummies or a big clump of nodules?" âÂ" I'm OK.
âÂ" You're OK.
You're OK.
OK.
âÂ" You're OK.
All right.
OK.
âÂ" Well, you've paid.
Do you want to photograph me? Er, no, no, I don't.
I mean, yes, I do.
Of course I do but it's just that somebody might come through the door.
Isn't that what you want? No.
No, it isn't.
No, because you'd be there, all bare, bare like a fruit.
Bare, naked fruit.
Somebody would come in.
No.
No.
âÂ" No.
No.
Absolutely no âÂ" What are you doing? I'm sorry.
This has been a bad week for me.
I'm sorry.
Listen, why don't we just call it a day here? I'm sorry, I don't think anybody's going to come.
âÂ" You know, I'm sorry.
âÂ" That's fine.
I really am.
I'm very sorry.
Er and thank you very much.
I know it was cold and everything.
You're only wearing those thin moccasins and best of luck in all your future work.
Anyway, I can't thank you enough for coming out and everything Thank you.
Thanks.
Eugh.
Mmm.
(Knocking) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
Yes, but no class.
She's just left.
The village has obviously united against me as a despoiler of 17âÂ"yearâÂ"olds.
Aw, never mind, darling.
I've written a short story.
âÂ" What, in a day? âÂ" Mmm.
I'm speeding up.
I felt a bit guilty last time, so this time it makes you uncomplicatedly heroic, just like in real life.
âÂ" I can handle a bit of reality.
âÂ" Uh "His eyes twinkled as though lit from within.
" That's true.
That's very me.
That is very me.
Look.
I do do that.
I do.
I do.
I roll my shoulders like a lion.
âÂ" I do that.
âÂ" (Knocking) Oh, hello, Mr Groves.
Lan, this is Suzanna's dad.